Month: January 2021

Perspectives and our Feelings…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are perspectives that we have. About ourselves and our life, about others and their life, about things happening all around us. And then there are perspectives that others have about the same things.

On a recent road trip, with a long journey ahead of us, I engaged in some delightful conversation on myriad things with a friend. One of the things we talked about was perspectives. As I thought about the conversation later on, I realised that a lot of our life is governed by and around these perspectives. And it led to a couple of questions – “Would we have a different life if we change our perspective? And is it a matter of alignment of perspectives that leads to mutual feelings”?

Now, all of us are entitled to ours. That’s what makes us unique. But that is also what defines so much about what we feel and how we feel…

If we talk about our personal life, we base our decisions on what our perspective is about the present or the future. We take decisions based on that – like marriage, family, house, children’s education, what to spend on, and so on. These decisions could lead to further perspectives that may change our outlook but nevertheless each of our decisions are based on our current viewpoint.

Coming over to the professional life also, the decisions to work, to quit, to change a job, to continue, or to take up or shun additional responsibilities is based on the perspective we hold about our colleagues, the company, the outside market, etc.

However, whether in the personal or professional arena, these perspectives and the decisions resulting from them are also a function of what the other party holds. For example, certain decisions can be taken by a husband and wife only if they are both aligned. Otherwise, they would never be able to agree and come to the same conclusion. Similarly, in the case of an employee, her career choices depend on what is the perspective that others hold about her. If there is a misalignment, it leads to the contrary.

A times, we refine our perspective based on what the other party holds. And when that happens, the alignment leads to a joint or mutually convenient decision. For example, to become friends again after a fight. Or to continue in the same job even when you have another offer in hand. This alignment of perspectives leads to a feeling of happiness and progress. Whereas, when we disagree on our perspectives and there is no alignment, it leads to disagreements, disputes, and even separation in some cases. Generating a feeling of sadness and discontent.

Is this the case all around or are there exceptions? I don’t know. I haven’t thought so deeply. But what I did understand is that while we have the power to change our perspective, it is the alignment with others and the feelings it generates within us that we should be watching for. If the feelings are negative for a long time, perhaps it’s time to change. Either our perspective or our life or both!

Getting Together

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Man is a social animal. Aristotle said so and we all have displayed great affinity for it for as long as we have been alive. Very few of us have the will to stay away altogether from the society. With Covid nearing its anniversary celebrations in many places though, the last one year seems to have been a lost opportunity for social life.

However, this last week, with missus out of town and time on my hands, I spent time in getting together with friends and colleagues in various social settings. During a work trip, over a weekend party with fellow residents, and over a lazy Sunday afternoon at home. It was fun!

Not just because we could get together and have a good time but also because after a long hiatus, it felt good to be approaching normalcy.

It isn’t that we haven’t met people in these times. Most of us have spent time with family and friends as the pandemic has progressively become less deadly. But with the drudgery of work-from-home loneliness and with the umpteen precautions we have had to take, I have often felt that life has become slightly boring in general.

Before the pandemic, we used to meet our colleagues daily, work and perhaps have a bit of fun, apart from the various things that one could do socially over the week. Children had their school friends and those around their home to play with. Elders had visitors and a string of things to look forward to in their days. And as I think about it now, it made a huge difference to our lives. It gave us a sense of belongingness and togetherness.

With most of us working from home over the past months, life took a turn for the worse. While we get online and virtually meet others, in my opinion, there is still a distant and unspoken coldness about it, when compared to in-person interactions. And with those who are younger or older denied of their life’s daily pleasures, things have definitely grown dull all around.

And while the pandemic still isn’t behind us, these in-person get togethers that happened in controlled settings were a relief. It allowed us to speak out, hear others, laugh and joke around, and be ourselves again. Out of the confines of our boundaries, into the open.

To feel life flow through conversations again. To get to know each other that much more. And to feel happy about those moments passed with others.

In the new normal we will perhaps adopt more remote ways to work and interact. But I hope we also continue to create or get chances to get together with others, in a controlled environment, to create real memories…

Individual Identity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

After having dinner with a couple of friends this weekend, we went over to have a paan (betel leaf preparation). A casual conversation with the store owner bought about a new perspective!

We were standing and discussing about our hometown(s) when the store owner intervened in the conversation and asked us where we were from. That led us to ask him the same question, to which he answered Allahabad. We casually joked with him about the city, stating that it is where Amitabh Bachhan comes from and he must be happy to be from the same city. He confidently replied, “it is not I who is from the place that Amitabh comes from, it is he who comes from my place”!

His confidence was exemplary. Without a trace of hesitation he put across his point of view very simply but assertively. He reasoned that he considers Allahabad as his city, as he grew up there. And whosoever is from there, irrespective of the stature of the person, he considers them from his city and not vice versa.

On my way back, I recalled one such incident that happend with me. During the introduction round of my post-graduate batch, I had mentioned that I was from a town called Khandwa, which is famous as the place from where Kishore Kumar came from. A senior professor later retorted and asked me about why did I feel the need to qualify my hometown as such. I was not sure what led me to making that statement and relation then.

But as I reflected today, I realised it may have been because I wasn’t confident enough at that time about where I came from. Perhaps, looking at others who came from the big cities, I was intimidated. Or perhaps, I felt the need to qualify my statement to help others relate something to my place of origin and recall it later as easily as they would have remembered other places.

It was only later that I became comfortable in my own skin, irrespective of anyone’s presence or background; and confident enough to know that I can stand on my own in any kind of a setting. To see that level of confidence in the store owner today, was a refreshing feeling.

As that conversation played in my mind again and again on the way back home, I felt that this extends to not only something as basic as our place of origin or what is our background but to all facets of our lives. We always try and relate ourselves with people, things, events, etc. In a lot of those cases, we belittle ourselves by choosing to associate ourselves with others just to fit in or to make ourselves relatable. We forget that there is an individual identity we own that makes us unique. That uniqueness defines who we are, with each of us standing out in a crowd, rather than looking all the same.

I believe, the ones who understand this fact faster in life, have an easier existence than those who take time to come to terms with it. Accepting one’s uniqueness frees us from the encumberances of the society and allows us to freely express ourselves. It also leads us on a path where we are not at odds in different settings, helping us to give our best to whatever we are doing. And lets us be.

Hopefully our young ones, who are much more confident in their skin on almost all things, would reverse this trend. After all, individual identity is what we all strive for and what they ought to discover sooner than later…

Persistent Resilience

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes, what happens in a matter of days or even hours, scars one for life. And while time heals and life adapts, some scars remain and are problematic to get rid of.

I have had some share of disappointments in life but one such situation has been quite problematic to dissipate from the annals of my mind. It was about what happened with my business venture and why I couldn’t succeed in it, in spite of putting in my best foot forward.

As I winded up my business in 2014, over that painstaking first half of the year, I often spent my days debating in the head what went wrong. I got into a shell and became reluctant to share my disappointment with others. And while life continued and physically and mentally I moved on after a few months, that scar remained.

It would later manifest and trouble me in unthinkable ways – reminding me of my failure and making me skeptical of my abilities, taking me down the what-if analysis road where the possibilities I had seen but not achieved stared at me and making me feel worse, making me question if I was indeed on the right path, and so on. And the more it dwelled in my mind, the stronger the devil became.

I tried to overpower it and got immersed in work to pull me out of it. I spent time with my family and on other things I liked to do, to move my mind out of those stray thoughts. And while I had some success, there were still times, though with reduced intensity, where those thoughts crossed my mind and tried pulling me down.

Until egged on by my wife, I decided to stop feeling sorry about what happened and accept that the mishap could have been worse and that it was a good life lesson for me. I took out the good things from that lesson and stopped blaming myself or anyone else. I made my peace. And then slowly, the scar started healing. It is still not gone, but it surely is not as visible as before.

Sure, I did lose out on some opportunities and fell back a bit. I could not live upto the promises I made to myself and to others. But then, I realised that there’s more to life than one failure. And if I apply myself persistently and be resilient, I would be able to achieve something better. Success delayed but not denied.

As I drove around with a good friend yesterday, we talked about our scars and how we are dealing with them. He had a huge setback in life but due to his resilience and the persistent efforts he has made, he has got out of that zone and is moving ahead. Another friend has had a disappointing 2020 but is now determined to start afresh and has pushed doubts out of his mind and resolutely started seeking new opportunities.

Talking about such dismal things at the beginning of a new year may not be the most appropriate time. But for a lot of us, this is perhaps the best time to move out of whatever disappointing zones we have around us and forge ahead resolutely with a clean mind. For a happy 2021 and beyond…

Upwards and onwards then!

Expectations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2021 has started and so have a lot of us with new resolutions, commitments, plans, and goals. The last year was a mixed bag with its share of highs and lows. But one thing that I realised it had in common for a lot of us was a mismatch in expectations.

So while traveling back after the year-end vacation, after this reflection crossed my mind, the train of thoughts ran in related directions. And as I reached home, I firmed up what I ought to focus on in this new year.

Setting right and realistic expectations!

Over the last few years, I have set up some expectations with everyone – be it family or friends or colleagues. And while these expectations are a natural result of what my experiences have taught me over the years, I realised that sometimes they aren’t aligned well, resulting in heartburn or disappointment. Hence the following resolutions…

With my spouse, I have often had expectations of she understanding me completely without me being explicit about the subject matter. Though there is the old school love and understanding that this thought stems from, and it does feel good when it happens, I realise that its not always possible for her to read my mind and I ought to be more communicative sometimes. That I believe will not only help us understand each other better, will also allow us more talk, which is always a wonderful tool to bond.

With my daughter, I have at times tried to make her behave like a grown up and does things like I want her to do. Again, it is a desire to make her do right things. But at times, it leads to curbing her playfullness or fun. And so, I will henceforth let her be her normal self at all times and enjoy her childhood, while willing myself to accept her actions and reactions as a child rather than as an adult.

With my parents, I expect them to listen to me now that I have grown up. But I sometimes forget that they have brought me up and know better than I do and more importantly, have their own world view which I ought to respect. Therefore, I will change my expectations to ensure that I let them choose and decide for themselves, while offering all help I can to make their life as comfortable as it can be.

With my family members and friends, I expect that we stay in touch regularly. But that expectation is for me to also live up to. And to ensure that I communicate with them as much as I can to stay connected and meet that expectation on both the sides.

With my junior colleagues, I have expected them to be able to match my wavelength and do things in the way I do them. I have also expected that they understand what I am doing or why I am doing so. But I realise that each individual is different and as long as they are positively inclined to contribute, I should let them go ahead in their fashion and guide them to the best possible outcome. Hence, going forward I will let them be in the driving seat more and more, while providing the support that is needed. And I will communicate more and convey my thoughts to them appropriately to ensure that we are better aligned at all times.

With others, I expect them to believe me with all sincerity, while at times not setting the stage for that belief to be formed. I also expect them to be honest with me. So in 2021, I am going to act more sincerely and try to build bonds and relationships wherever I can, automatically leading to that belief and honesty in conversations and actions with whomsoever I may deal with.

With such a long list, I am not sure whether I am expecting too much of myself. But then, new year resolutions are meant to be taken to stretch oneself. Hopefully, I will be able to live upto my own expectations!!!