Learning

Aging…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, even some casual conversation triggers thoughts that are deep and personal.

This week, as I was returning from an official trip, a chat with a co-passenger did so for me.

We were talking about her trip which was a precursor to returning back to India, after having spent a couple of decades in the US.

I was intrigued by why would they choose to do so! And what was the real reason behind it.

As I probed further and the lady opened up, it turned out to be quite profound. She and her husband were retiring and having seen their parents go through the same curve, they felt they needed to be among people whom they know. And be comfortable in life as they age.

It is a personal choice. Someone else in the same situation may choose to stay where they have built their lives.

But as I thought about it, I realised one thing. Most of us don’t plan actively about how we want to spend our lives as we age. We let it happen organically.

What we do plan is how to organise our finances and how will we take care of material aspects later in life.

Which is fine, as often that’s the easiest thing to do. And what worries most people.

But what about all the other things in life that will be different? Most of them difficult.

We will not be able to do the same things we were able to do even five years back, at any given point in time…

We will not be able to have the luxury of doing things we want to do beyond a few years from now…

We will not be in a position to do much after all! No one can predict how old age pans out.

And yet, we don’t plan for them. We don’t prepare ourselves mentally for that shift. We don’t think about growing old together and how it will pan out.

These things may not be easy to think about or plan for, but it might just be enough to have some guiding principles and ideas.

Often, an unconscious understanding is all that’s needed to tackle the most difficult phases in life…

Optimism

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It’s an infectious feeling and attitude. It’s also a cliche used when you want to sound positive…

What is optimism? And why is it that so many of us vouch for it but very few practice it?

This week, two incidents prompted me to think deeply about this word and feeling.

The first was our CEO addressing a room full of business leaders, talking about how he wants everyone to believe we can do magic together and that high levels of optimism is bound to win the day for us.

It came out genuinely from him, allaying apprehension about new bets and cementing belief in those bets. It did energise the group. At that moment.

Having delivered a few similar pieces myself over the years, I also know that it will only remain with a few in that group. Very soon, others will revert to their previous state of mind.

But why does that happen?

The second instance was a meeting of a newly formed group within our community to take up and resolve issues with the developer. On both sides, there were people who had past experience of doing this and were skeptics. And there were people who genuinely wanted to understand the other perspective.

As we spoke to their team, I could sense hints of optimism in a few threads. The overall tone sounded more positive than it ever had, and it gave us some hope.

But having been in similar situations earlier in life, I also know that the optimism will remain only for a short period. And will be replaced very quickly with either renewed skepticism or resignation to the affairs, as they are!

How do we end up like this so soon?

Perhaps the answer to both these questions is that we expect too much too soon. Or expect that suddenly things will change. And when that doesn’t happen, we tend to then slide back into the zone we were in before.

Maybe, we also are creatures of habit. Some of us have seen things not panning out so many times that we approach everything with caution.

Unlike a child who is always optimistic. Because it knows too little. Or maybe because it knows that the secret to progress is optimism!!!

The lie that stayed…

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The room was dark, with only a faint light from the outside street lamp filtering in. Kirit was lying on the bed, not able to sleep.

For a 9-year old, that is unusual. It was certainly for him. He was used to falling asleep as soon as he was tucked into the bed.

He was trying very hard to get to sleep. Shutting his eyes off with his hands, sometimes blocking his ears with the help of the pillow and the blanket. But sleep alluded him.

The reason for this rather disturbing experience for Kirit was what had happened in the day earlier.

He was with his family, visiting some family friends. A usual catch up, except that this was the same people they had been going on vacations with too. Close friends of his dad and mom, he had expected them to be there for every trip.

This time though, as they were getting ready to leave their house, his mother told him not to talk about the summer holidays. When he looked quizzed, she mentioned that for a change, they had planned a trip only for the three of them this time.

And she wanted him not to bring up a topic which may end up in an unpleasant conversation. Kirit was flummoxed. He didn’t know what to do.

Naturally, he raised a pertinent question. What should he say if they ask him first. To this, his dad had replied that he can say they hadn’t planned yet.

Kirit was more confused now. He sensed this will be a lie, but his own parents were asking him to utter it. On the way, he tried to get some more discussion going, but his parents shut him off, saying the more he talks about it before, the difficult it will be for him to do what was being suggested.

It was of course difficult. Kirit had always believed in being a honest kid. He knew some kids his age were used to lying or resorted to it occasionally. He was proud he hadn’t done so. Until now.

He closed his eyes and prayed that the situation may never occur. God was perhaps not in a mood to listen though!

As soon as they got off and started playing, his friends Ahan and Deb asked him what were his holiday plans. They wanted to plan together. He looked sheepishly at his mom, who nudged him with her eyes.

Not too confidently, Kirit uttered the lie. He further asked them to clarify with his parents. He couldn’t take it anymore when his parents supported his version and lied too. Running to the bathroom, he closed the door and sobbed for a while.

That entire day, he was awkward. He expected someone to catch their lie. It was what he had learned in school. But by evening, when no one reacted adversely and feigned indifference, he realised that the lie had passed muster.

On the way back home, Kirit was quiet. He was reflecting on the situation and the behaviour. He had learnt something important today.

A lie well told and corroborated with can seem like a truth. And it wasn’t as bad as it was made out to be.

His conscience was still in conflict though. He kept on hearing his inner voice asking if he had done the right thing.

At first he tried ignoring it and carried on with his bed time routine. But when the question didn’t go away for a while, he firmly told his mind that since there was no fallout of the lie, it was ok.

Now in his bed, trying to get sleep, his mind had flipped and was constantly humming with ideas of where he may be able to lie and get away. His thoughts were racing at how he could use it smartly at school and home.

That was the reason for the struggle that night. The lie he had uttered in the day, had stayed with him in the night.

And the memory and change in behaviour for possibly all his life…

‘Freedom to Fail’

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These words contain a dichotomy. How can someone be given the room to fail?

And yet, they are magical. For in these words, lie the very essence of why someone succeeds…

A couple of weeks ago, I watched a new TV series on how India’s biggest watch company, Titan, came into existence.

It was a great reminder of the heroic power of entrepreneurship and the persistent belief to make it happen.

The biggest line that remained with me post the watch, was “freedom to fail”!

It was used by the protagonist to egg on his team after an abject failure. And by his mentor, silently, to convey his confidence in his protege.

In the past couple of weeks, as I often thought about it, I realised how important it is in our life too.

Ask a parent about how their child grew up. Most likely because they let her have the freedom to fail. When she was taking her first steps, or when she was rushing to make friends, or when she was trying to learn a new skill. They didn’t judge her or stop her from doing those things.

Ask a teacher about her best students. She allowed them to experiment and learn, rather than stopping them from anything. Even her worst students were allowed the freedom to fail, in the hope that they will rise some time.

Ask a husband about his wife. How they became successful in their marriage because they allowed each other the freedom to be themselves and fail at a few things when it came to each other’s expectations. And in doing so, how they learnt to stand by each other during the toughest times, even though they may have failed on a simple occasion.

Or ask anyone who succeeded in a corporate job, how they reached where they are. I doubt if we will find even one case where they would not have encountered a senior who had allowed them to falter and yet succeed in the longer run.

You see, it is this freedom to fail that gives anyone the confidence to succeed. That is why the child, the student, the spouse, or the teammate get past hurdles in life and learn to live.

And yet, the first thought that comes to mind when we hear these three words is, “oh, that’s strange!”.

It is perhaps our conditioning that needs to change…

Paradox of the Known

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We all know our race is evolving faster than ever. And we are all riding along the wave.

And yet, some of us feel we are on top while some of us feel the exact opposite.

Over the last couple of weeks, as I jostled with a new subject that I am studying, I found myself in this paradox. Between the unknown and the known.

I don’t have as much knowledge of this new subject, so it is of course an unknown. And I know I will have to build my know-how and expertise in it through my own efforts.

As I started studying the subject and its basics, it became evident to me that I could increase my pace of learning by using AI tools.

With these tools, we don’t just have all the information at our fingertips but also efficient ways of harnessing it.

So, the reasoning was that these tools will help me learn rapidly, improving my knowledge base. And help me identify best approaches and strategies to decide between two different things.

It will cut down on my unknown areas quickly.

But when I started using these tools, I realised that while my know-how started improving quickly, I was scratching the surface.

I understood the basics faster, but this knowledge gathering only equipped me so much. I still didn’t have the required depth to decide on which choice to make or didn’t develop an independent point of view on some of the aspects I was studying.

Then, I looked back at my life and it became apparent that this is how things have been all this time…

All through our life, we have learnt much more and in a shorter timeframe than before. We have more information available to us, and so we are generally better informed about things.

Yet, unless we have spent time on a subject matter and have gone through the grind to build our point of view, we haven’t succeeded in that particular endeavour.

And unless we have done that, we didn’t become an expert on the subject.

So, while we continue to have easy access to information, for the unknown to become well known, we still need to put in the time and effort!

And that’s the paradox of knowing our unknowns today and yet being aware of how to convert them to “known-knowns”.

The Fear Factor

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was holding my breath, trying to not look down.

At one end of a zip line between two mountains in the lower Himalayas, I was unsure of a lot of things. Fear was taking root in me.

Just behind me, the instructor was pushing me to let it go and literally, go! To overcome my fear and take inspiration from the views I was about to enjoy.

At nineteen years of age, not many people would be in such a scenario. But I was, and so were my other Army batchmates at the mid term camp.

As I contemplated my options, the only way forward was to go. So, I let my body loose and zipped through. Fear turned into exhilaration and by the time I touched the other end, I knew that I could do this again.

This lesson has remained with me all my life. And a mantra to use when in doubt…

This week, as I was talking to a couple of colleagues and then a friend, this theme recurred. Of deciding to let go and conquering fear to get to the other end.

I think all of us live in some or the other fear. Very few are truly fearless.

And those fears often hold us back. They cloud our judgement, make us overcautious, and reduce our chances.

Often times, it is easier to say than do. But in this case, saying makes it tougher. In our minds.

But what if we were able to always draw inspiration from the view we would uncover through the journey to the other side? What if we just let go and find for ourselves what lies beyond?

Conquering the fear factor.

We will either uncover a view not seen before, or fall flat and rise up again, never to make that same mistake. And that in itself is a win!

Here’s to unshackling ourselves and moving forward…

Why too serious?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are too many things in life that we take too seriously.

And in that quest of taking ourselves too seriously, we often forget to enjoy life…

The past week, a colleague who was also a friend, passed away. He had been battling cancer for a long time.

As I received the news and saddened by it thought about my last meeting with him, I couldn’t help but reflect on his journey.

Especially the past few years, and his approach towards life!

In the most testing times, he was still full of life. It was as if he had made a resolution to let nothing affect his zest for life.

When someone battling with life on a daily basis shows that commitment, you stop and take notice. You wonder at the bravery. You smile at the tenacity.

So did I. But I never looked deeply enough to understand how commendable it was.

For I, lost in my own thoughts and problems, was too seriously involved in my life.

It was only in his passing, did he leave me a lasting lesson. To not be too serious. And to enjoy life come what may!

As I thought about this aspect through the last week, it became clear to me that I can afford to loosen up.

To enjoy life even when things are not going my way. To enjoy life even if I am not feeling well. And to enjoy life even if there isn’t much left of it.

For in that enjoyment is the essence of life. To live it. To experience it. And to see it through…

All Heart!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I think from my heart. That’s when I do best. It’s my strength.

I have claimed this before in word and letter. And felt it for sure.

Yet, as it often happens with us mortal beings, we forget our strengths. And deviate from the usual path.

That’s what I realised over the past few days. Twice!

On both those occasions, I had the chance to think from my heart. The situations demanded that I do so.

Still, somehow my mind weighed heavier on my heart in those moments. And I chose ‘rationally’!

My mind was probably too determined, because even after the choice, it didn’t let go of its chokehold on the reason for the decision.

So, I continued to operate without a question. My heart tugged at me a few times in between, but my mind brushed it off.

Eventually, my heart gave up and my mind won!

That clarity lasted only for a few days though. Through an interjection, which was like a jolt, I was snapped out of my state.

As soon as the fog lifted and the heart realised it had been tricked, I fell. I fell so hard that my heart wept. My eyes wallowed. And tears streaked down.

It was only then that I realised I had made an error in my choice in those moments. And how I had failed even after so much training and self awareness.

I realised how I had brushed off my heart’s pleas to reconsider. And how I had justified my choice to myself reluctantly.

But it was too late…

The choice had been made and the decision had kept me out of loop on the things that mattered more to me than what I left them for.

As I sat down on the second occasion, wiping my tears, it became clear to me that I need to retrain myself.

To believe in my strength. To acknowledge any nudge or thought that is asking me to reconsider my choices.

And to be all heart again…

Talk!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The one thing that we are gifted with. And the one thing we don’t do enough of.

Even when we can. Even when we should…

In fact, even though we have this clarity at the back of our minds, it’s surprising that other emotions or distractions stop us from doing so.

During the past two weeks, there were quite a few instances when I felt how this basic skill had helped me. And each time, as I realised its importance, I couldn’t believe that the realisation wasn’t the first time.

The first was when I had to talk about a recent failure at work. It was hard. Even though I had already communicated the mistake and the learning to some people via email.

But because I had already talked about it earlier, I had normalised the failure in my mind. Talking had helped me tide over the disappointment.

So, when I recounted the mistake and the learning, I wasn’t hesitant or defensive. And because the team had seen me come out honestly, I felt they appreciated that there was willingness to learn and do better.

The second was when I was having a conversation with my brother. We were talking about a personal decision that he was making. I wasn’t very sure about it when I heard it. So, I was pushing back.

My brother was however very clear about the reason for his decision. I could have shut up and let him decide but because we trust each other, I continued to ask.

As we discussed further, he was able to explain his rationale to me. We finally agreed that it was the best choice right now, decision taken. Only made possible because we talk a lot and there is trust between the two.

The last one was when my wife and I were having a frank conversation this weekend. We both believe in talking things out. In good times and in not so good times.

As we went deeper into the discussion, I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy one. But having an understanding that we only gain by speaking our minds, we didn’t say away.

Eventually, we talked about a couple of difficult things and asked each other uncomfortable questions. It wasn’t easy but we didn’t stop talking. And that helped us get to a better place from where we started.

Why am I recounting these? Because I think it’s important for us to talk more. To hear each other. And to build our bonds through real conversations.

After all, better said than done…

“Hard work”

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

An important but underrated quality! Something that we don’t appreciate often enough.

A lot of us talk about doing smart work. In today’s age, that is all that matters. Getting more done in lesser time with lesser resources.

But smart work often forces us to consider how to optimise. What if we didn’t know well enough what we are optimising?

I have often wondered about how for our kids, learning the right things is more important than learning to optimise. And how do we make that happen.

So, when our daughter had to go through a 2-month project in Grade 5, I was waiting to see how it pans out. And how the school guides the kids in their approach.

All through the project duration, we were informed and updated on a need to know basis. Naturally, our curiosity was heightened by the time the kids had to present their work.

The one thing I did observe during the first few weeks, and which became evidently clear in the last two weeks of the project, was that the project involved a lot of work.

Well, that was expected. What we didn’t know was how would the kids approach it and how would they come out on the other side.

So, with only a little idea of how things had come out, we went to the school for the exhibition. What I saw was quite fascinating!

The kids had done some really hard work to put things together. Their basic research was quite thorough and their exhibits were impressive.

What was more encouraging was the depth and breadth of the presentations. As we visited the exhibits and talked to them, the kids excitedly demonstrated their work. With a lot of pride.

The school had made them toil in their groups. They had been made to do things properly. And it was showing in how they were talking about it.

There were no optimisations. There were no shortcuts. Just plain, simple, old school approach to doing things deeply.

As the day came to an end, I could observe most of them were happy. With their effort. With themselves and for their group.

They had successfully cleared the test. More importantly, they had learnt the value of hard work.

And hopefully, lessons that will be embedded in their young minds forever…