Bonds

Silence

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Tuhin and Pallavi were both sitting together. Without speaking a word…

That comfortable silence had prevailed for a long time. Engrossed in their phones, they were spending idle time in the same room but disassociated!

It wasn’t as if either of them had made any attempt at a conversation. Over the past year or so, every single conversation in a similar situation had resulted in an argument. So, silence had replaced conversation.

At first, Pallavi started avoiding getting into any chats over the weekend. She would intently engage herself in something else than spend time together. As a couple of months progressed, Tuhin too adjusted to the new normal.

With their weekdays completely occupied with office schedules and travel, there was anyways very little time to be together. So, the new normal didn’t hurt either of them.

With only the two of them and no kids or pets, it had been over a year that the so-called Sunday afternoon was being spent together without any word being spoken…

What had happened to their relationship? How did they not have anything to talk about?

Pallavi had thought about it sometimes. Tuhin had too. Just not together.

The silence had become too comfortable to be broken. It was easier to stay quiet, do their own thing, and go back to their regular schedules. It was as good a shield as someone would need when disassociating themselves.

That day, as she was getting up, Pallavi had an urge to talk. To ask Tuhin about the week that had passed by. To talk about plans for the next month.

Tuhin was engrossed in his phone though. The urge passed by…

She didn’t notice that Tuhin was staring at a blank phone screen. He was contemplating if he should talk to her too. But his contemplation ended without noticing her urge.

The moment that could have rekindled the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Not today.

Neither of them was sure if that moment would ever come…

The Yearning for Home.

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We all want a home. And we all yearn to go back to it. Whether we accept it or not.

Some of us yearn for it much sooner than others. But what is it that we yearn for? And why is it such a constant feeling?

This weekend, as I watched “The Odyssey” and reflected on some of the other conversations I had with a few friends, this topic kept coming back to me.

Well, one reason I think is generally true is that we revel in being amongst known people and in our comfort zone. And a home provides us just that.

But then, it wouldn’t explain the entirety of this feeling.

I think the main reason why we yearn for our home is because it grounds us. It makes us feel who we are. It provides us with an inner satisfaction of being in a place where we are looked after.

Most importantly, it envelopes us in a sense of belonging. Within the world. With our own place in it. With the comfort of knowing that we are safe there…

But that explains why a home is important for us in our lives. It doesn’t yet explain why we yearn for it.

I think the answer to the second part lies in the basic nature of us humans. We want something that we can call our own. We desire to be with it. And we plan to hold on to it and the feeling of being there.

And that’s why, wherever we may be around the world, that yearning keeps us going back to our homes. To the harbour that we are anchored to.

Isn’t it constraining us then? Someone may ask! I think it doesn’t.

Yearning doesn’t mean we can’t explore or be outside. It just means we are as normal as a person can be, and we have willingly agreed to keep that yearning at bay for a while as we seek out life…

Of commitments and promises…

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Our lives are full of these. We make many in a single week sometimes.

How many of them are for the long term or continue long enough to be considered golden?

This weekend, as my parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary, and we got together to spend time as a family, this question rang in my ears.

Forty five years is a long time. A lifetime for some. Kudos to them!

It isn’t easy to carry on for so long, unless there’s real commitment and promise on both sides…

Growing up, I was witness to that commitment and promise on a regular basis. Whether it was the small everyday things or the big decisions, it was visible.

Not that there weren’t arguments or disagreements. There were many. But at the end, the commitment to each other and the promise to be together saw them resolve those differences amicably.

When it felt like the commitment was being tested during tough times, their promise to stand by each other shone brighter. And when good times rolled by, the trust in each other was only strengthened.

Today, as we celebrated their anniversary, it wasn’t anything grand. A quiet family lunch, banter and anecdotes through the day, and conversations about random topics, interspersed with calls from others to wish them, rounded off our day.

But it felt so grateful that we could get together and spend time as a family, without having to worry much. To be able to take out time from our schedules and be with them in a wholesome manner!

As a child in the household, if you see such a strong example, you’re bound to be influenced. So was I. Valuing commitment and promises has held me in good stead, in my own personal life.

But as I reflected more on the topic, it came to my attention that this isn’t just true for personal but also the professional world.

We can only excel at something when there’s commitment from inside, and when we are promising ourselves that we will do our best. If any of these two don’t sync, either the process or the results fall short.

What we often forget though, is that any commitment needs to be nurtured, and promises need to be kept. It is when we do this long enough, is when we get the results we had hoped for.

Just as in relationships and personal life, so too in our work and professional spheres…

Talk!

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The one thing that we are gifted with. And the one thing we don’t do enough of.

Even when we can. Even when we should…

In fact, even though we have this clarity at the back of our minds, it’s surprising that other emotions or distractions stop us from doing so.

During the past two weeks, there were quite a few instances when I felt how this basic skill had helped me. And each time, as I realised its importance, I couldn’t believe that the realisation wasn’t the first time.

The first was when I had to talk about a recent failure at work. It was hard. Even though I had already communicated the mistake and the learning to some people via email.

But because I had already talked about it earlier, I had normalised the failure in my mind. Talking had helped me tide over the disappointment.

So, when I recounted the mistake and the learning, I wasn’t hesitant or defensive. And because the team had seen me come out honestly, I felt they appreciated that there was willingness to learn and do better.

The second was when I was having a conversation with my brother. We were talking about a personal decision that he was making. I wasn’t very sure about it when I heard it. So, I was pushing back.

My brother was however very clear about the reason for his decision. I could have shut up and let him decide but because we trust each other, I continued to ask.

As we discussed further, he was able to explain his rationale to me. We finally agreed that it was the best choice right now, decision taken. Only made possible because we talk a lot and there is trust between the two.

The last one was when my wife and I were having a frank conversation this weekend. We both believe in talking things out. In good times and in not so good times.

As we went deeper into the discussion, I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy one. But having an understanding that we only gain by speaking our minds, we didn’t say away.

Eventually, we talked about a couple of difficult things and asked each other uncomfortable questions. It wasn’t easy but we didn’t stop talking. And that helped us get to a better place from where we started.

Why am I recounting these? Because I think it’s important for us to talk more. To hear each other. And to build our bonds through real conversations.

After all, better said than done…

The Balancing Force

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This is one of the most intriguing questions , I think. How do you balance one side with the other.

And when it comes to relationships, it becomes all the more necessary. How do you achieve parity, love, and trust if you aren’t balancing each other?

Last week, I was having a deep conversation with a friend about this subject. We were talking about how the two people in a relationship must balance each other.

As we recounted our own experiences and shared them, I got a reaffirmation that this isn’t an easy thing to do…

Of course we hear about how some couples maintain their chemistry even after a long time and how for some, it dwindles away after a while. But then, chemistry is not just about balance.

We also hear of how one partner sacrifices for the other at times and that helps the two grow. Again, sacrifice must never be only about finding a balance.

And then there are anecdotes of how people accommodate to ensure longevity of the relationship. Again, it does help in getting to a balanced state but cannot be the only reason or outcome of the accommodation.

So, what is it then? As I thought more about this in subsequent days, I realised that the balancing force is not just about yin and yang. It’s as much about how the two come together to harness it.

The two individuals may be the best suited as a couple but if they cannot come together in moments of joy and sadness, in times that are difficult and easy, in places that are known and unknown, then they won’t be able to balance.

The two must not only come together but then join hands to harness the situation to their advantage. If and when they do, the forces balance each other and the outcome is one single, determined action. If and when they cannot or don’t, there is a fallout.

I am lucky to have found my counter-balancing force in my wife. She teaches me, supports me, and has my back. I believe, so do I. And that’s why it’s a strong relationship.

Hopefully, we can all find our balancing force, and if we have found one, stick around to see the magic happen!

Childhood Friends!

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This weekend was special, spent with my first and closest friend from my childhood days.

Special not only because meeting a childhood friend is precious. But also because we met after a longish gap. Last few years were lost to Covid and then my US stint.

Much water passed under the bridge in those years. We grew a few more strands of grey, our children became older, and our parents younger in spirit!

Even then, what was unmistaken was our bonding. We still got each other instantly. It didn’t feel like we were meeting after so long.

We were aided by the comfort of spending time with each other without hurry. It didn’t feel rushed because it wasn’t just for a few hours. We were staying in the same house, with our families, doing things together.

Those are the best things that I cherish about all of my childhood friendships. The bonds, the comfort, the trust, and the ease of being around.

It doesn’t feel shaky ever. Even if we don’t meet often.

It doesn’t feel difficult to continue being in touch. Even if we haven’t talked on the phone for a while.

It doesn’t feel that we have moved apart. Even though we have come a long way.

And it doesn’t ever feel like effort. Seems like our own self.

Sometimes I think if someone had told me all of these things when I was growing up, I could have formed more such friendships.

Then, I realize that I am lucky I have a few of these friendships from my school and college days still going strong.

Thankfully!!!

My Tribe…

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We live our lives surrounded by people. Some close, some just acquaintances.

It is very rarely though that we think about how those who are close to us are playing a great supporting role in propping us up.

Everyday. Every month. Every year hopefully.

I just finished reading Andre Agassi’s biography, Open. It is a good book, he comes out quite honestly about everything he had to go through to be the player he was.

One big thing that however has stuck with me was the mention of how he built his team, his tribe. And how important he considered them in his life, going to the extent of depending on them even in the most sensitive and difficult situations.

As I reflected on this revelation, it seemed to me that we mere mortals don’t do this enough.

We don’t think about our tribe enough. Or how important they are and how we need to keep them closer.

Going back to my own experiences, I realise now that places where I had an amazing set of people around me, I did amazingly well there.

In middle school, when in quick succession, I changed schools thrice in three years and didn’t have my good friends with me, I struggled to do my best. Then, as I moved to high school, I found an amazing set of friends and those years were way better.

In my work life too, places that got the best of me, including my first job and a couple of others, I had a great set of people around me. Whom I worked with, became friends with, and hung out with. That positivity reflected in my work at those places. And vice versa.

The biggest lift I have seen however has been in my personal life. Whenever I have drifted away from those who are close to me, physically or mentally, I have suffered.

Conversely, when I have paid attention to keep them close and given importance to what they say and how they keep me honest, I have flourished. Not just once but multiple times.

And so, to me this makes a lot of sense! Keep your tribe together.

And hopefully, as years go by, that bond yields much more than what went into forging it…

Filling the void…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Raj was sitting on the bench at the hospital. He had just heard the worst news possible.

His mom, aged all of sixty five, was in the last stages of her life, fighting a debilitating disease. She had been diagnosed with brain tumour recently and there was nothing much the doctors could do this late. The tumour had already spread to a large part of her brain.

As he sat, looking at the wall in front of him, and contemplating the future, he heard some commotion.

At the other end of the corridor, an emergency case had just come in. A lady, almost the same age as his mother, had just been rushed in.

She had met with an accident and suffered multiple injuries. A passerby had got her to the hospital and they were going to operate on her.

As he heard news about her condition, he felt a sudden emotion. A lady, his mom’s age, who was absolutely fine, was fighting for her life because of someone else’s mistake. He could relate this to his mom’s condition, who until a month ago had no inkling about her deadly disease.

Over the next few days, as he attended to his mom, he also kept track of the other lady. There was no one who had come forward as her next of kin. It was surprising but quite possible.

He decided in his mind that he would befriend this unnamed and unknown lady, once her condition improves. Not for any other reason but to give her company at this juncture in her life. For she needed it, just as his mom needed his support through this trial.

He told his mom about the entire episode and she was very supportive. After all, she knew that Raj’s heart was in the right place. She was proud of his feelings.

A couple of months passed by. Raj’s mom’s condition was only worsening and the doctors had no hope. They asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her days at home and she readily agreed. Leaving the unknown lady, still in a coma, behind. But Raj kept checking on her condition frequently.

Then one day, as he came in to his mom’s room, she looked at him for the last time and passed away. Raj knew this was coming but was still overwhelmed. He completed her last rites and bid her adieu.

Once the ceremonies ended, the next day he was again at the hospital. Sitting outside the intensive care unit, where the unknown lady was.

Waiting for her to awaken from her slumber!

Waiting to fill the void that was left in his life…

The Team Spirit.

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Three years to date, I called up my partner at my previous firm. I had decided to take up a new role.

I had been looking for a new challenge for sometime. And when I got something that made sense for me to pursue, I dialled up my manager’s no.

It was a direct conversation. He as well as the senior partner offered me some food for thought but I was clear about the move and it was both personally and professionally making sense for me. So, eventually we agreed amicably about the separation.

However, what I had not thought about was my team and how they would feel. And how I would feel about the fact that I was moving out, after having hired quite a few of them myself and having managed them for a while.

After running with this conflict in my head for a couple of days, I decided to be upfront about it. I called up each person on the team, breaking the news to them and talking about why I was moving on from what we had signed up for together.

Most folks accepted and wished me well. Some were surprised and told me that they would have wanted to continue working together for longer. I am sure, some thanked their stars for good riddance as well!

My heart wasn’t still contented. I had this guilty feeling about leaving those team members in the middle of an unfinished journey. With some of them, I had spent just shy of five years. It troubled me for a few days.

Then, I remembered those times when someone in the team, who I absolutely wanted in, had decided to move on. It was always difficult to let go but I was never one to hold back anyone. It had pinched me but work never stopped.

And I realised that while I was going out of the equation, work that my team was doing won’t stop. That they will continue to excel. I need not be guilty but should go out with the confidence of having done good by them.

With my worries put to rest, I enjoyed those last few days with my colleagues and friends and moved on to a new path. We remain in touch and with quite a few of them, I have maintained a great bonhomie.

Recalling those days and what came of all that time spent together is something I still cherish today and will continue to in the future. We may have moved in different directions but that team spirit lingers on somewhere…

The Cycle of Parental Love

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We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…