Women

The Support System

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The lights were zooming in. There was applause in the hall, as Viraj was called on the stage.

She got up and started walking towards the stage. Some people shook her hand, some shouted her name, and some just smiled. She responded positively to everyone.

As she reached the stares, she hesitated. Not because she was unsure of herself. But because she suddenly remembered those who had made it happen.

It wasn’t just her win. It was a collective effort. By her team which consisted of her husband, son, and mother-in-law. They had all played their part in her success.

She looked back, to where they were seated. There were big smiles on that table!

She climbed up. There was more applause. As she received the award for the best functional leader in her company, she could hear her son shouting for her.

In that instance, her mind went back a couple of years. She had taken a sabbatical from the company she had been working for seven years, to rethink about her future.

She had been a steady performer and had always been happy doing the job entrusted to her. With timely promotions and pay hikes, she couldn’t complain much.

Over the last few months though, she had been feeling unsettled. She wanted to do more but wasn’t sure if she was ready to take up those responsibilities. Battling with this uncertainty, she dragged her feat for a while.

Anshul, her husband, knew her well. He had always supported her and there was no need for her to feel that ways. But as sometimes happens with the best too, self doubt had creeped in. He just advised her to take some time off and think through on her path ahead.

Heeding Anshul’s advice, Viraj decided to go for a three-month sabbatical. This three months, she spent time with herself. She traveled a bit and unwinded.

As her mind relaxed, and she got more time to reflect on things, it became clear that she wanted to lead the function she was in. She had the experience and the understanding of doing so. And she saw herself doing more complex things naturally.

The only hitch – their young son was autistic, needing time and attention. She had been managing with Anshul’s help till now. But if she took up a bigger role, she would have to devote more time at work. How would they be able to manage themselves.

She didn’t have an answer. She pondered over it but still had nothing. As had been their practice, she discussed this with Anshul. He asked for some time to think and pondered over it.

In a few days, he came back with a solution. His mother, who was on her own now after his dad’s demise, could shift with them. She would be at home, to give the attention their son needed. And Anshul would himself take it slower at his workplace over the next year or so to settle things down.

She was apprehensive of the plan, because it would change the setup. But Anshul convinced her that they will make it work. He also had a chat with Kush, their son, and explained to him the situation. He was a very understanding kid, and instantly liked the idea of spending more time with his grandmother.

Settled in her mind, Viraj joined back the company and talked to her boss about what she had in mind. It was as if he was waiting for her to claim the role, and it was agreed to.

Bracing herself for the change, Viraj dived deep into the role and gave it her all. Over the course of the next year and more, she established herself as a natural leader. Her team couldn’t be happier, her peers respected her, and her bosses had confidence in her.

No doubt, when the annual awards happened, she won the best functional leader award!

Beaming with joy, as she climbed down the stage, and headed for her table, her family was waiting to hug her and congratulate her.

After all, it was the support system that made this all possible…

All in a Day’s Celebrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrate days. We celebrate people on those days. We celebrate what those people achieved on those days.

But what we don’t celebrate enough is those same people and what they have achieved on other days of the year.

This week, as we celebrated the International Women’s Day and I checked my social media streams and general messaging getting flooded with messages, experiences, and comments, I was reminded of this stark reality.

I get it that there is a certain amount of respect that gets paid to women on the marked day. Or to mothers or fathers. Or to whoever we are celebrating.

But I find it disturbing when I hear about or observe the same set of people not keeping that feeling all through the year.

It’s as if we decide to take a short detour on our behaviour and mask our feelings for that day. And then, as soon as that short-lived, marketing-driven euphoria is behind us, we go back to our old ways. Of treating them as a second class citizen. Or of ignoring them.

Almost like we were obligated to do this once a year!

What if instead, we started believing what we are saying and doing a bit more? What if we genuinely chose to treat them as equals and not second guess them? What if we let them be in the drivers seat for any amount of time without worrying about where they are taking us?

I think it takes guts to accept we aren’t there yet as a society. We still have work to do.

We still need to believe more and trust more. And act in good faith. And not recede to where we were before.

Hopefully, sometime soon. Because, in my view, that’s the only way for us to truly rise up and get to a better, safer world.

Until that time, for those who don’t want to change or think it is beneath them, the annual celebration is a good reminder of where they came from on this earth in the first place!

Selfless Dedication

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was special. We got together to celebrate my maternal uncle and aunt’s fiftieth wedding anniversary!

The occasion itself was momentous. Not everyone gets to enjoy marital bliss for so long.

What made it more memorable was the time I spent with my cousins together. We were catching up with each other after a while.

As we tried to make the most of these two days, every hour spent having fun felt great. I thought it couldn’t have gotten better. But then something very special happened…

During the celebrations, when their grandchildren asked my uncle and aunt some questions, my uncle described my aunt’s unfailing dedication and contribution to home building. And how that was an important aspect of how their relationship strengthened.

How she, being a housewife, took it upon herself to raise the kids, took care of everyone in the extended family, and handled all the changes with aplomb, being at his side always.

It was so refreshing to hear those words. Not just because his love and care for her shone through those words, but also because it reflected the important contributions our mothers made to our lives.

I thought about how my mother, again a housewife, always put our interests first before hers. How she took extra efforts and care to ensure everything in my extended family always went on smoothly. How she continues to do so even now.

Selflessly dedicated. To us. To the family.

And yet, we don’t consider homemaking as a critical part of our lives as much today. Or don’t give it the importance it is due.

Yes, women now work more often than not. And that means many more responsibilities than before. Life’s more busy in general and that means many more things to take care of. But somehow, they cobble it together well.

It’s an amazing quality that women and moms have. I see the same attitude and spark in my wife. And many of the other women in the family I know or have observed closely. More superpowers to them!

Later that evening, as my mom and aunt danced gracefully to celebrate the occasion in their own style, we were all cheering from the sidelines.

For the performance of their lifetime…

Empathy and Care

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

In most things, we men are not as ripe between the ears as the women folk are…

Our wives are much better than us in most things. Our moms are way more perceptive than we can ever be. And our sisters are the elder one, even when we may have been born earlier.

I am sure there are numerous such anecdotes we can relate to. We have all heard about how women are great at making decisions or working through chaos to get to the right outcomes.

The reason? I think it has to do with empathy and care.

A few days back, as my wife and I were discussing something about our daughter’s behavior, I realized that she was looking at the matter through the eyes of our daughter. While I had been looking at it from only our eyes.

As we discussed more, and I looked deeper through her thoughts, it was all because of her empathy toward our daughter at all times.

My focus was on how our daughter should be behaving and therefore what we need to do to amend it. Whereas, my wife’s focus was on why she was behaving the way she had been and the gap that we need to fill – to help her get to where we want her to be.

We both care for our daughter and wanted to influence her toward the right path. My process was to point her directly to the path, my wife’s process was to stand with her and show her why the right path is the one to choose.

It isn’t that I am not empathetic. I think I am. But only when I want to be or when I think there is a need. She however, is so by nature.

Similarly, my mother’s perception of most situations is quite deep. Because she thinks empathetically about the people and the surroundings and cares. Whereas my father may only be looking at one angle and not considering all those aspects. I have seen it enough no. of times but hadn’t realized it until recently.

I could go on with more such examples but what I am driving to is this – most men are wired differently. We like to get to the point and stick to our opinions. We try and eliminate variables and focus on the main topic. And move on to the next problem or situation.

Women on the other hand, take their time to consider multiple things before deciding. They are not afraid to get into more complexities and while they may deviate sometimes, they always come back to the path.

Is it important then, for us men, to learn new ways? Of course, they can help us. But that’s not the point.

I think there must be contrasting views and approaches in most situations, coming from both men and women, for us to decide the best way forward. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we aren’t.

What’s important is to remember that we need not always be right. And our wife/mom/sister have an equally valid point of view, which must be considered and factored in the final decision!

Or better still, let them take the decision and follow along…

Made up, no more!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Mary was staring at the mirror. Looking at the dark spots and the aging lines on her forehead.

Her husband Akshay was standing behind her, admiring her. She appeared contented and he was happy for her.

As they looked at each other, Mary remembered their chat from a few weeks ago…

They had just returned from a party that night and as she sat down to take off her makeup, she realised she didn’t look like herself.

The thick layer of makeup had made her look younger, yes. But it had also given her an almost artificial cover. It was as if there was a thin sheet of plastic on her body, hiding her true self.

She reflected on her last twenty five years of having been used to putting makeup. That had started after college and while it was good for as long as it lasted, after almost turning fifty, she didn’t want to look all dolled up anymore.

She told Akshay in a straightforward manner, not wanting to put it nicely. To her surprise, he took it positively and encouraged her.

His words still echoed in her mind, “It’s not that you’re younger any more. Everyone knows this. So, why pretend if you’re not comfortable with it?”

The next week, as they were dressing to step out for a family get-together, she decided to skip any makeup.

When she got ready, she went up to Akshay. He saw her and knew she had taken his advice seriously. He smiled and hugged her. She looked much more graceful to him suddenly.

The next few days, Mary was very conscious about not putting on any makeup every time she went out. There were few compliments but she also knew that a few people were taking behind her back.

She didn’t get discouraged though. In her heart she knew she didn’t want to prove anything to anyone and was following her own mind. That confidence showed through in her and carried her forward.

Then, after a couple of weeks, it became natural for herself to not think about going out without makeup. And as time progressed, it became usual for people around her to notice her without makeup always.

They slowly started respecting her choice, more so for the move of looking natural. She could sense there were no more ‘behind-her-back conversations’ and she was accepted as she was.

And even if there were any murmurs, she didn’t care about them anymore. She was a free bird again, radiating from every pore of her body.

It was as if in those few weeks, she had rewritten the rule book on how other people perceived her!

“She”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There she was. A young girl, trying to do something which would make her feel proud of herself. She was trying to set up and run her enterprise all by herself.

Something she could call her own. Something that she wouldn’t have to leave behind…

Someone asked, who is she? Someone else asked, whose is she? Is she a daughter of a known businessman? Or a wife of one? Or perhaps a sister of a hot shot tycoon?

The answers were all negative. She was a nobody, had no history or affiliation with anyone known and just wanted to run things independently.

Yet someone else questioned, how is she? Is she alright or is she insane? Trying to do something independently, when in our society she needs a stamp of approval and support from some man in her life.

Others remarked, “she must be naive, for surely this is not how our world works”. Some joked in front of her about her vanity and others talked ill of her and called her names behind her back.

The detractors were not just men. There were women too. Those who were content living the life that was, in their mind, granted to them by their father/husband/brother/lover/son.

And yet, she ploughed on. She encountered obstacles after obstacles, one too many to trump normal people. But she resolutely marched ahead.

People tried to block her way, threatened her with dire consequences for not following the societal norms, made life difficult for her. But she continued with a strong head over her shoulders.

Men refused to work with her or under her. Women reluctantly accepted and joined hands. She however, forged forward with only her goal in her mind.

When she failed, everyone cheered. When she had some small success, people wrote it off as a fluke. They questioned the success she got. And yet, she did not lose focus.

After what seemed like a whole lifetime, the work she was doing became indispensible. People realized that they couldn’t do without her work being a part of their life. They reluctantly had to accept that she had triumphed in her mission and all their misgivings were misplaced.

She finally emerged from the shadows and took her rightful place on the podium.

The “She” here could be anyone – Rani Lakshmibai, Mother Teresa, Indira Gandhi, Margaret Thatcher, Nadia Comaneci, Lata Mangeshkar, Kalpana Chawla, Florence Griffith Joyner, Marie Curie, Marilyn Monroe, Serena Williams, or the countless other successful and known names I couldn’t name here.

Or this “She” could be your wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, aunt, or colleague! Perhaps nondescript, perhaps well known, nevertheless someone close to you who has done well in her life.

Whatever “She” chose to do, was or is being well done. May be better than what “he” could or can manage!

And yet, we keep on questioning. We keep on doubting. We keep on interrupting. We keep on downplaying. And we keep on discouraging.

The real question is, how are you acting??? And why???

The Real Power!!!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2020 is nearing its end. With this looming end, is the promise of the new. A new beginning. And hopefully restoration of the previous normal.

As we end the year, I thought it is in order to talk about why this year has been special. And no, I am not talking about the viral nature of the year!

This year has been strange in many ways. Whether it is the way we spent months altogether, how we socialised in the distanced and isolated world, or how we have tried to return to normalcy. But in my view, all of this strangeness has helped us understand one thing – who has the mettle to rise up when it’s time to.

And while almost the entire mankind rose to the challenge, I believe the real power was displayed by the womenfolk everywhere.

Right from the labs, where the basic premise on which the approved vaccines are based (mRNA technology), which was researched and developed by a lady, to the countless healthcare staff and people deployed on the frontline, we saw women leading the field and doing better or as well as their male counterparts.

But to me the most important area where women displayed that they can be in control of each and every situation was at home. In the way they handled and managed the shutdown of normal life and transition to the new messy setting.

From work, to working out, to taking care of the kids and household chores, to supporting the family in each and everything, women aced it all.

While they had ample and able support from a lot of their partners, and hats off to all of those who helped out, women were the master of the ceremony and they orchestrated it well all throughout.

Being on the other side, I worked under the supervision of my wife but also heard from the other women in the family, as well as observed those I could, to realise the enormity of this task. And it was gargantuan.

As the situation elongated and this new messy setting of having to deal with all things at the same time became the new normal for us, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that we have retained some sanity in our lives due to all the skills that were displayed by the fairer gender.

And as we enter the new year, I hope this exposition and exercise of power leads them to discover their true self and contribute in more meaningful ways and lead from the front in all matters of life.

Thank you mothers, aunts, sisters, wives, girlfriends, and daughters. And anyone else I missed out.

To women power then!!!

Suitability

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We Indians have many pre-conceived notions and beliefs. Some due to our traditions and some due to age old practices that are still prevalent today.

One of the biggest notions that I have encountered is that of getting girls married as early as possible. Even now, when girls are breaking all barriers and leading in most fields they chose to operate in, there is still this unsaid undercurrent that runs in most Indian families.

It is as if the prime responsibility of being a girl is to ensure that you get married. Hence, parents start searching for a suitable match as soon as they can and don’t sit still unless they find one. Or in a lot of cases now, until they accept the choice that their daughter has made for herself.

And while there are a few cases of girls choosing to marry when they believe is the right time for them, or placing career over marital decisions; in most cases, the tradition continues…

Therefore, those parents, who choose to let their daughters be and instead of pressurising her to get married, wait for the right time, unperturbed by the traditions and pressures of the society, deserve a special thank you.

For letting their daughter not be bogged down by an unworthy choice or a compromise. For letting her chart her own path in life. And for believing that even if she doesn’t get married, it doesn’t matter and is not the end of the world for her, for she has far greater powers in her to live a worthy life.

Because more than anything else, suitability is determined not by what the family wants but what the daughter wants. Unless she finds someone suitable and worthy enough to spend her life with, the family ought to support her choices and stand behind her. And even if she doesn’t find someone suitable, it’s fine.

I have seen a few cases in my family and have immense respect for them. And every time I meet someone like that, like I did this weekend, it inspires me with the thought that India is slowly changing and we are according more and more respect to the fairer and stronger gender…

More power to such girls. And ultra power to their parents!

Marriages and Happy Endings

~ Rishi

The past week, I was in my hometown for my cousin sister’s wedding. It was a grand affair, as weddings in India tend to be. As much as I will remember it for the fun we had, I will also recall it for the changing social moorings.

In our society, marriage is a landmark in a girl’s life. It’s almost as if she has been reborn into a new role with a new life.

Until marriage, she lives life carefree, like a starlet / diva, the favourite child. She is hinged to the support provided by her family. Suddenly, she steps over to a new life and world. Where she is expected to be responsible and cautious. She has to adhere to new norms and practices at the in-laws. And she probably doesn’t know anyone well enough (unless it’s a love marriage).

So, when the marriage ceremonies end and the bride leaves the house, there’s a river of emotions running through everyone – the bride, her parents and siblings, and other near and dear ones. This often culminates in large bouts of crying and hugging and a general gloom about the daughter leaving for a different abode.

Let me confess a bit here. I have always been one whose eyes get moist in an emotionally charged atmosphere. I remember having a lump in my throat on a previous occasion when my cousin sister, elder to me, was being sent off. When I got married almost 10 years ago, I had a similar feeling but with a lower magnitude.

But somewhere in my mind, I have been troubled that apart from the grief of separation and distance, it also happens because somewhere we are considering that the daughter no more belongs to our house or that she is an outsider in the new house. Or that the son-in-law belongs to another household.

Which isn’t the right way of looking at it. Even if the social practice demands that the daughter-in-law stay with her husband, she still is a daughter of the house and should be treated like one. Although she has jumped ship to come to her husband’s side, henceforth she is going to be an integral part of the family and hence should be placed on the same pedestal as the son. Or for that matter, the son-in-law has agreed to live his life with the daughter and therefore has become an equal part of the family.

So last week, as the marriage rituals concluded and the last hour approached, I was expecting a prolonged farewell session.

Instead, to my surprise, it turned out to be a happy farewell. My sister’s mother-in-law took the lead and gave confidence to my uncle, aunt and others that she is going to be treated like a daughter and they needn’t worry about anything. Her assurance and confidence preempted the grief of separation and actually turned it into a celebratory send-off. Hats off to Aunty!!!

Not that others wouldn’t have tried or the assurances don’t work. Sometimes they do. I have heard of a couple of marriages where the farewell happened in a celebratory mode.

This however for me was the first time I was witnessing it live. And it was so refreshing. When I reflected back, I realised that in this case, marriage was just a ritual and the happy farewell was perhaps a by-product of the rapport that my sister and her in-laws had built up. And the knowledge of the fact implicitly comforted my uncle and aunt – that their daughter will continue to be a daughter on the other side as well.

Wish every marriage culminates in such a happy farewell. After all, it’s a celebration and the bride and groom are getting a new set of parents…

Women – the better halves!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Parenting has its gift of insights.

Yesterday, while with the family, a small incident led me to think about how important the role of a woman is in life…

My little one dotes on my wife – she is her mother, friend, guide, everything rolled into one. I am important, but just so. And so, every time there’s something that goes wrong, she tends to cling to my wife and I only play a supporting role at best.

My wife on her part, tries to do her best using all her abilities. But sometimes when the best isn’t enough, and I feel she is on the verge of exasperation and giving up, I get surprised as she comes up with one more trick up her sleeve and to my pleasant surprise, normalcy returns.

I cannot even imagine some of those tricks at times. And no, it’s not that I don’t try – I sometimes try too hard and fail. It’s a lot of times failing to empathise/sympathise with the little one. But it doesn’t come naturally to us dads.

So the minor incident yesterday led me to marvel at this trait of hers. And when I thought deeper, I could see that in my mother, sisters and aunts. In fact in some of my colleagues at work also.

Now that’s a spectacular trait – a woman, whatever her situation or circumstance, has the innate ability to sympathise and empathise with the child. And the same trait extends when she is with her husband, her father, her brother. Or in her career.

She might be busy like hell or totally focused on something else but you can count on her to immediately refocus, empathise and get to the root of the situation within a whisker, something we men can only wish for.

Not to say that men don’t empathise or sympathise – I am just making a comparison here in terms of whether it’s an innate ability or not. And hands down, women are better.

Honestly, that’s better off for us men too – otherwise who would understand us, allow us to be ourselves, handle all our idiosyncrasies and behaviour, and still take care of us. We would be lost without our moms, sisters, wife.

Same goes for the workplace – women are better co-workers, leaders, and influencers. And when we work with them and appreciate and respect what they bring to the table, we are better off and win together.

It’s time we understand and appreciate the women in our lives. And the others whom we work with. Specially now, when women are taking upon bigger responsibilities and managing not only the household but also their careers.

I am certainly learning to. Perhaps not so much when I was growing up or even after getting married. But definitely after becoming a father.

Kudos to the fairer and stronger gender!!!