Observations

Learning from Experience

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is such a cliched phrase. We often quote it, we often read it, we often hear it.

But do we practice it enough? Do we deliberately seek that wisdom?

As is often the case, we do know this subconsciously. We know that there’s much more our elders or just people who’ve had more experience than us can offer us.

Perhaps, as with those truisms that stay with us without being heeded enough, we ignore or overlook this powerful tool.

This past week, I had a couple of instances when I was reminded of this timeless adage.

The first, as is the wont for a dad, was a conversation with my girl about her learning. I was speaking with her about how these days kids don’t spend enough time with elders, and how it robs them of learning through from the wisdom their elders have.

As we discussed my childhood and how I learnt from my elders, I realized that I still have opportunities to do so. Somehow, in the humdrum of acting like a grown-up, I had unknowingly overlooked the fact.

It made me think about the benefits I could reap in different spheres of life by doing so. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me.

The second instance was a conversation with a neighbour about an issue we have been dealing with. He is quite elder to me but is also a friend.

As we were discussing the issue, he shared some insights from his past life which aptly fit the situation. And as I listened to him, I felt I was being immersed in something I had never known.

Just during the chat, talking about his experience, I learnt so much. And I believe, as we work through the situation we have in front of us, I will surely learn much more.

What a wonderful way to learn, I recalled after our chat…

There are so many other contexts, that I don’t know about or haven’t been exposed to yet. Hopefully, I will find enough opportunities to know and interact with experienced people on those topics.

All I have to do is to remain open to learn!

Expectations…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Vaibhavi was in a daze. She had just heard something that she wished she had unheard.

As she sat down, all she could think of was how this could happen to her. All her life, she had detested it. And yet, she couldn’t control herself from doing the exact same thing!

It had been thirty five long years since she had been at this home. Having landed in this home after her marriage to Sanjeev, she had adopted it lovingly and openly.

Though it was a new city for her, and the entire setting was new, she had readily accepted it. All because of the love she had received from Sanjeev and his welcoming family.

She had confidence that she would figure out her new life. That there will be many adventures along the way.

Reality however had turned out differently. Her mother-in-law wasn’t an easy boss to please, and expected the moon from Vaibhavi. She was always helpful and guided her well, but those expectations somehow showed up at the wrong times.

In front of guests, when she didn’t do something right. Or in front of the extended family, when she wanted to show who was in charge. Even in front of the children sometimes.

Vaibhavi had ignored it at first, taking it as the need to prove how good she was in everything she did. However, after a while, these loose comments started making her feel worse. It was as if in spite of all her efforts, there was always some shortcoming.

She had tried talking to her mother in law, explaining to her how she was trying her best. All she got was encouragement to try harder. She had felt slighted then. Her relationship with her mother-in-law was never the same again.

Vaibhavi had then decided that if there’s ever a chance when she has to be the mother-in-law to her son’s wife, she would pay heed to not behave like this.

After all those years, belying her own experience, she had today broken her own promise.

Her son had just been married for a few months and he and his wife were visiting for the first festive celebration.

As was customary, she guided her daughter-in-law on what needed to be done, and the rituals and customs they had been following for generations.

Her daughter-in-law had listened with intent, and had tried her best to do as was told. Of course, as a first-timer, there were some lapses.

On this, Vaibhavi had today morning called her out. Her daughter-in-law grinned sheepishly, expecting her to be excused for the minor lapse. Instead, she had received a small lecture on how she ought to do better, as there were high expectations.

She had listened to Vaibhavi quietly, nodding and absorbing. Once that lecture had finished, she just said, “Mom, you ought to cut me some slack too. This is my first time doing this. Please treat me as your daughter”.

This is what dazed Vaibhavi. And as she replayed the incident, she realized she had fallen into the same trap she had tried to escape from.

She got up, went over to her son’s bedroom and knocked on the door. Her daughter-in-law opened the door. Vaibhavi’s moist eyes were enough to break the ice.

She hugged her daughter-in-law as she would her own daughter, and apologised for the rant.

They both had tears in their eyes. Tears of unwanted expectations that had been drained now, and replaced by those of mutual affection!

Just decide.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is a simple enough statement or request. But often times, it isn’t. Or doesn’t seem so.

It does seem like good advice. Just get on with it. But when it’s your turn, often there’s hesitation!

And whether you are deciding or waiting for the decision, the lead up to it and the final act can be excruciating.

I am talking about rather important decisions, not the routine stuff. Although, what is routine for someone could be a rather important one for another…

Keeping these complexities aside, I want to talk about this critical skill.

How do we decide and how soon is often a personal trait. It changes over time but not drastically.

As a leader, I have often been in these situations. And also observed others from near and far.

When you are called upon to decide, faced with a question that doesn’t have a straightforward answer, how do you move forward? Do you go with your gut and decide quickly, or do you follow a very structured approach?

As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of two teachings I received through my experiences.

The first was during my army days. As was the case on most days and in most situations, we were being trained to decide quickly. Under pressure, the focus was always on being on top of things.

The instructor in our first term had a simple rule – feel what your intuition and gut says, decide quickly and move on. By staying on with the decision, you won’t gain much.

The second was when I was starting my own business and deciding on how to do a lot of things that I had not done ever! And there was no one to help me decide.

A mentor then told me, there are only two ways to swim – to learn through a structured process with a coach, or to just jump and then fight it out. And I had chosen the second path, so I had to decide how I could stay afloat, while learning to swim.

These two teachings have stayed with me through these years. And they have shaped me on how to decide.

Perhaps, someone else with different life experiences, will have a different approach to deciding.

What’s important though, I have figured, is to get to the point where you can put self doubts, questions, and the shadow of future judgements aside. And then just decide…

Generation Gap!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Something that we often refer to when we don’t know how to bridge the distance between us and someone younger or older…

This is how I define the term. And have often used it accordingly. Mostly when I am referring to the age difference being a decade or more.

A couple of weeks ago, I however, had a most illuminating conversation with my daughter.

She was relaying to me how different kids respond when asked about their device usage. Sample this response to the following question –

“Do you have a phone or any other personal device like a laptop or an iPad?”

Kid in sixth grade: No, I don’t have a phone; I have a laptop (or an iPad) for school work.

Kid in fourth grade: Obviously, I have a phone; and yes I have an iPad (or a laptop).

My daughter told me this quite animatedly, which made me laugh. She too laughed along, amused that a kid just two years younger had a very different answer.

Amusement aside, what she was pointing to me almost seems like a generational gap!

As I wondered about it later, and relayed it to a friend over dinner this weekend, it occurred to me that the entire concept of the term is due to change.

With the rapid pace we are seeing in some areas of development, such scenarios won’t be too far off.

It led to a question – what happens when people just two or three years apart start feeling a difference in how each of them conduct themselves?

While growing up, as well as later in life, we often rely on our elder siblings, or cousins, or school/college seniors for guidance, learning, and a myriad of other things.

If the gap starts to form so early in life and continues to expand, how are these learning pathways going to cope with them?

How will we feel, how will we share, how will we shape up?

Or are we all going to rely on some AI to keep us feeling that we are in the midst of people who understand us???

Aging…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, even some casual conversation triggers thoughts that are deep and personal.

This week, as I was returning from an official trip, a chat with a co-passenger did so for me.

We were talking about her trip which was a precursor to returning back to India, after having spent a couple of decades in the US.

I was intrigued by why would they choose to do so! And what was the real reason behind it.

As I probed further and the lady opened up, it turned out to be quite profound. She and her husband were retiring and having seen their parents go through the same curve, they felt they needed to be among people whom they know. And be comfortable in life as they age.

It is a personal choice. Someone else in the same situation may choose to stay where they have built their lives.

But as I thought about it, I realised one thing. Most of us don’t plan actively about how we want to spend our lives as we age. We let it happen organically.

What we do plan is how to organise our finances and how will we take care of material aspects later in life.

Which is fine, as often that’s the easiest thing to do. And what worries most people.

But what about all the other things in life that will be different? Most of them difficult.

We will not be able to do the same things we were able to do even five years back, at any given point in time…

We will not be able to have the luxury of doing things we want to do beyond a few years from now…

We will not be in a position to do much after all! No one can predict how old age pans out.

And yet, we don’t plan for them. We don’t prepare ourselves mentally for that shift. We don’t think about growing old together and how it will pan out.

These things may not be easy to think about or plan for, but it might just be enough to have some guiding principles and ideas.

Often, an unconscious understanding is all that’s needed to tackle the most difficult phases in life…

Culinary Differences!?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, the simplest of things tell you a lot. For instance, food and our choices. And how we handle culinary differences…

This weekend, I flew to spend time with a friend in Dallas, while on a business trip to the US. I had not met him for a decade and we had a lot to catch up on. So, I was expecting long chats and fun and laughter.

I had also never spent considerable time with his family. Having met his wife a couple of times before, I knew her to be jolly by nature and did expect to have some good conversations with her too.

What surprised me though, as we spent time talking, eating, and repeating this schedule over two days, was the amount of discussion we had about food.

My friend’s wife is from Bengal, from the eastern part of India. As with most people from that region, she is naturally excited about food, Food is very dear to them and meal times are about enjoying a feast together.

I received this affection from her during my visit. There were multiple dishes prepared, elaborate lunches and dinners set up, and lots of good conversations happened over those meals.

We talked about how eating Bengali food is an acquired taste, due to the use of specific condiments and ingredients. And how it takes time for people from other regions to appreciate it.

I have eaten some nice Bengali food earlier, so it wasn’t completely new for me. What stayed though, was the way she explained how my friend, who like me is from the central part of India, had adjusted to this taste. And how he enjoys it now.

Later in the afternoon, she and I talked about how they enjoy different cuisines from other regions that they have been exposed to in the US. And how she has noticed, even within her family, there are people who adjust or take a liking to it, while others fret and eat, or simply refuse to try.

I could completely relate to it. Over time, I have seen similar things in my family and circle. I could say I can easily adapt to other cuisines but have been in settings where others find it difficult.

While until now, I had never paid much attention to this fact, ignoring it as a thing that just happens, this conversation made me think for a bit…

As it so happens, most of us are very used to the food we have had while growing up. It’s our comfort place. We crave it. We love it even though it is what we have everyday.

But when it comes to food from other regions or places, we are not always as open. We blame it on our palette or worse, make it sound inferior or very different than ours. Talk about biases!

It cannot be true that the taste of food in these other regions is never to our liking. I have seen older people adjust well to new cuisines relatively easily.

I feel, sometimes it is that our mind doesn’t want to accept that we can enjoy other kinds of food. Or maybe, sometimes it goes against our religious beliefs or health notions, and we avoid them.

But most times, we instantly close ourselves to new experiences and indulgences. We deliberately stay away from them, either viewing them with skepticism or simply fear of the unknown!

What we forget is that trying does us no harm. If anything, it may just propel us in a certain direction. Or repel us because something didn’t feel right. But shouldn’t be for the lack of trying…

Optimism

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s an infectious feeling and attitude. It’s also a cliche used when you want to sound positive…

What is optimism? And why is it that so many of us vouch for it but very few practice it?

This week, two incidents prompted me to think deeply about this word and feeling.

The first was our CEO addressing a room full of business leaders, talking about how he wants everyone to believe we can do magic together and that high levels of optimism is bound to win the day for us.

It came out genuinely from him, allaying apprehension about new bets and cementing belief in those bets. It did energise the group. At that moment.

Having delivered a few similar pieces myself over the years, I also know that it will only remain with a few in that group. Very soon, others will revert to their previous state of mind.

But why does that happen?

The second instance was a meeting of a newly formed group within our community to take up and resolve issues with the developer. On both sides, there were people who had past experience of doing this and were skeptics. And there were people who genuinely wanted to understand the other perspective.

As we spoke to their team, I could sense hints of optimism in a few threads. The overall tone sounded more positive than it ever had, and it gave us some hope.

But having been in similar situations earlier in life, I also know that the optimism will remain only for a short period. And will be replaced very quickly with either renewed skepticism or resignation to the affairs, as they are!

How do we end up like this so soon?

Perhaps the answer to both these questions is that we expect too much too soon. Or expect that suddenly things will change. And when that doesn’t happen, we tend to then slide back into the zone we were in before.

Maybe, we also are creatures of habit. Some of us have seen things not panning out so many times that we approach everything with caution.

Unlike a child who is always optimistic. Because it knows too little. Or maybe because it knows that the secret to progress is optimism!!!

The Yearning for Home.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all want a home. And we all yearn to go back to it. Whether we accept it or not.

Some of us yearn for it much sooner than others. But what is it that we yearn for? And why is it such a constant feeling?

This weekend, as I watched “The Odyssey” and reflected on some of the other conversations I had with a few friends, this topic kept coming back to me.

Well, one reason I think is generally true is that we revel in being amongst known people and in our comfort zone. And a home provides us just that.

But then, it wouldn’t explain the entirety of this feeling.

I think the main reason why we yearn for our home is because it grounds us. It makes us feel who we are. It provides us with an inner satisfaction of being in a place where we are looked after.

Most importantly, it envelopes us in a sense of belonging. Within the world. With our own place in it. With the comfort of knowing that we are safe there…

But that explains why a home is important for us in our lives. It doesn’t yet explain why we yearn for it.

I think the answer to the second part lies in the basic nature of us humans. We want something that we can call our own. We desire to be with it. And we plan to hold on to it and the feeling of being there.

And that’s why, wherever we may be around the world, that yearning keeps us going back to our homes. To the harbour that we are anchored to.

Isn’t it constraining us then? Someone may ask! I think it doesn’t.

Yearning doesn’t mean we can’t explore or be outside. It just means we are as normal as a person can be, and we have willingly agreed to keep that yearning at bay for a while as we seek out life…

Maximizing Profits

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

This isn’t a business post. It is not linked to anything remotely business.

Why am I saying so? Because we instantly associate profits with business and work. But is that the only way to look at it?

The past few weeks, in multiple conversations with colleagues and friends, and in my thoughts, I came across this theme. How to maximize profits?

Well, you see, it is how our minds work. How we retain what we have been taught. And of course, how work consumes so much of our daily lives!

But we would be amiss to think about profits only in the context of our work or business. Of course, profits in that arena is what we all want to maximize. To gain more and faster. To prove that we are contributing meaningfully with the right impact. To ensure we can justify what we do.

Profit also comes in the context of our relationships. The positive mind may think of how we are benefitting each other in a relationship. The circumspect one will also think about how are we maximizing our closeness to someone to benefit in some form and shape.

There’s another angle though. How do we profit collectively and become better – a better family, a better community. How do we maximize this?

Then, there’s profit in the context of our health. How do we profit from healthy habits to elongate our chances of living more? Or how do we maximize our profits from the workouts we engage in, and if there’s enough return on investment of time and energy.

But here also there’s another angle. How do we maximize our profits and hit our goals while allowing ourselves to enjoy the little pleasures of life?

How could I forget money matters and profit in that context. How do we ensure we are maximizing our returns and adopting the right strategy for investing our hard earned money? Or how do we maximize both short-term and long-term profits.

Of course, there is another angle here too. How do we maximize our knowledge and hold on financial matters, such that profits are a by-product and not left to the skill of others only or luck.

If you look at all these aspects – relationships, health, financial matters, work or business – they are all interrelated. If we don’t handle them in the right proportion, profits from one domain could be at the cost of a great loss in another.

That’s a rather tricky thing to achieve…

‘Freedom to Fail’

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

These words contain a dichotomy. How can someone be given the room to fail?

And yet, they are magical. For in these words, lie the very essence of why someone succeeds…

A couple of weeks ago, I watched a new TV series on how India’s biggest watch company, Titan, came into existence.

It was a great reminder of the heroic power of entrepreneurship and the persistent belief to make it happen.

The biggest line that remained with me post the watch, was “freedom to fail”!

It was used by the protagonist to egg on his team after an abject failure. And by his mentor, silently, to convey his confidence in his protege.

In the past couple of weeks, as I often thought about it, I realised how important it is in our life too.

Ask a parent about how their child grew up. Most likely because they let her have the freedom to fail. When she was taking her first steps, or when she was rushing to make friends, or when she was trying to learn a new skill. They didn’t judge her or stop her from doing those things.

Ask a teacher about her best students. She allowed them to experiment and learn, rather than stopping them from anything. Even her worst students were allowed the freedom to fail, in the hope that they will rise some time.

Ask a husband about his wife. How they became successful in their marriage because they allowed each other the freedom to be themselves and fail at a few things when it came to each other’s expectations. And in doing so, how they learnt to stand by each other during the toughest times, even though they may have failed on a simple occasion.

Or ask anyone who succeeded in a corporate job, how they reached where they are. I doubt if we will find even one case where they would not have encountered a senior who had allowed them to falter and yet succeed in the longer run.

You see, it is this freedom to fail that gives anyone the confidence to succeed. That is why the child, the student, the spouse, or the teammate get past hurdles in life and learn to live.

And yet, the first thought that comes to mind when we hear these three words is, “oh, that’s strange!”.

It is perhaps our conditioning that needs to change…