Month: May 2021

Life Stages…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

A few weeks back, talking to my Uncle, my cousins and I were discussing the pandemic situation in general.

He was giving his perspective on things, focusing on the lighter side. We all found it very concerning that he was talking about it lightly and made a joke that as he is approaching retirement, his perspectives have become more unusual and alike the elders in the house.

However, thinking back to the conversation, I realised that he was talking about things from his perspective. And while we may debate on whose perspective is the right one, each one of us has his/her own…

As I dwelt further on this conversation, I realised that our reaction to the perspective was perhaps also because we were viewing the issue from a different lens than he was. After all, we are in a different life stage than he is in.

In Hinduism, the historical texts talk about 4 stages of life. Beginning with the learning stage, progressing to the household stage, leading to the retirement stage, and finally to sanyasa, where life is renunciated.

In modern view, we can perceive these life stages as different eras altogether.

Life begins with the carefree era generally till around 25 years of age in our society today. We rarely worry about anything but ourselves during this stage and enjoy everything that we can, with a carefree attitude. As we grow up from a toddler to a teenager, we keep learning and gaining. No responsibilities in general and lots of freedom to our thoughts and in our actions.

This is followed by the next 25 years of the responsible era, where we tend to take up a lot of responsibilities at work, in life and in general. This is where we get serious about our work and career, get married, have kids, build our fortune for whatever it is worth, and plan in advance for everything, as much as we can. It can be overwhelming at times but we generally try and give it our all, to maximise the output from these years.

For a lot of people, their lives culminates in the afterglow era over the next 25 years, where they bask in the learnings of life and walk into the sunset slowly. This is when they leverage all they have seen over the last 50-60 years and make sense of things in their own way.

For a few chosen ones, life continues into the golden era beyond 75, who have the privilege of watching life happen all over again and enjoying their extended time on the planet. This is also when many people go back to being like a child again and live life king size!

As we progress through these life stages, our perspectives change. That’s one of the reasons that thought processes don’t always match when people from different eras interact with each other. Or why our preferences are so different. Or why priorities change. Or why realisations differ.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Each one of us is entitled to where we are in our life’s stage and our perspectives, preferences, priorities and realisations.

It therefore is natural that we have divergent views about things as compared to our parents or elders or children. That’s also healthy I believe, for it keeps us all in a system of checks and balances and ensures the best outcome possible, generally.

What is most important though is to recognise that our views will differ but even in that divergence we have to attempt convergence!

Because that is what we owe to our family…

What Keeps us Going?

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Not just when we are doing what we are doing. But also when we are past that.

Is it the desire to achieve something? Or the love of doing that thing? Or the pressure or compulsion to complete what we started? Also, what makes some people continue well beyond their time to still go back and contribute and enhance their body of work? What makes them want to still do it even when others their age have hanged their boots?

This week, as I reflected on what separates the best from the rest, I looked back at some of the success stories of our times. It of course involved the famous athletes, artists and geniuses in other fields but also business people and others who achieved something significant in their life.

I also looked at my own experiences as well as of those whom I have personally known and observed. What made them tick in a specific situation that made them succeed? What made me go on and give it my all to achieve something?

Now, this is a question which probably doesn’t have one single correct answer.

For some of us, it is the desire that is overpowering and helps us tide over all the roadblocks. For others, it is the compulsion of the situation which pushes them to do that extra bit, try that one last time, before they make it.

But for whatever it is worth, what I realised is that it is almost always ‘Love’ that keeps us going even after everything is done and dusted!

I say that because while desire or compulsion can help us achieve a few wins, only love for something can push us to continue not just when the going is good or when we are winning but even when we are well past our prime. Because, it induces us to go out there and contribute again and again until we absolutely cannot.

And this applies to all of our life situations too…

We continue to work with our partner and in most cases, as the relationship progresses, love deepens and our contribution increases in tandem.

We continue to nurture our passion or hobby and as we get into later stages of life, the urge to do something in that area becomes more prominent as our love for it grows.

We invest ourselves in our children and continue to guide them and lead them in their life even after we know that they have grown up and are perhaps independent to do everything that they ought to do in life. Only because of our love for them.

And so on…

As for work, those of us who fall in love with what they do, tend to continue working far longer than the others and continue contributing to their field in whatever capacity they can.

That’s perhaps why they say, do something you love and you will never have to go back to work again!

False Narratives…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

They abound!

In every sphere of our lives.

At home, at work, in the society, within ourselves.

They are constructed in our minds. In our words. And in our actions also at times. And then some of them escape us and land with others and start a chain reaction. Once released into the open, they have a life of their own.

Sometimes these chain reactions help us stay afloat and live our lives believing and holding onto dear hope. And in other cases, they may drown us in sorrow and lead us to a downfall.

Sometimes, these chain reactions stop sooner than we want them to. On other occassions, they run amok beyond our wildest imagination and in spite of our best efforts to curtail them.

As long as they are limited to matters of personal interest or to trivial pursuits, these can serve as a reminder of the alternative or a check on whether we are doing the right things. In fact, some of them may be beneficial for us to meander through our lives, difficult as it is.

It’s when they go beyond the realm of personal or trivial, is when they can assume gargantuan proportions. They then permeate the society in myriad ways and channelise our lives in different directions depending on what we believe.

With the rising trend of easy internet access, tools to enable social connections, and unchecked platforms to spread whatever one believes in, all of this has just become EASY. And that’s what is worrying the most.

Because, these false narratives have the power to alter our reality and push us into directions which may not be worth turning to. Or they may compel us to act in ways that could be counterproductive for ourselves.

And that may cost us many a things!

So, how do we discern between the truth and the false?

No one is an expert in this subject. But hopefully with our own judgement and best intentions towards self and the ones we love, it is probably easier to understand the intention of the narrative and the direction it may take us into. And then asking ourselves a question – do I really want to go down that path?

For beginners, this hopefully may be enough to put us at a reduced risk of being sucked up in the whirlwind of these false narratives and the ensuing madness…

PS: COMMENTS WELCOME!

The Support System…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

All of us need one!

And all of us have one. Our Mother…

She takes the pain to bring us to life. Nurtures us in the initial years, harbours us in the early years, and hoists us in the later years.

She is the one who shapes us to what we become in life. Through her love and care. Through the values she instills in us. And through the constant nudging that we often find irritating but comforting.

As we grow up, she supports us through life. Helps us when we are going through the lows and picks us up and makes us feel special in those highs.

She gives us confidence to do things we probably won’t try on our own. Helps us try and challenge ourselves. Yet never pushes us in a direction we don’t want to go in.

She accepts our failures more readily than we sometimes do. And she exalts in our success like even we cannot.

She helps us set up our house, knowing that we may probably never go back to living with her again. She agrees with our choice of the life partner. And she does all of it selflessly, for she knows what we need.

She teaches us to be a good husband or wife. And how to be a better parent than she was.

Yes, she is very emotional and her sentiments drive her actions. But that’s important because none of us can function with just the mind and not the heart!

And that is what makes her special. And the best. For each one of us.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Unique Innocence

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are the bedrock of our vision. We do everything keeping them in mind!

We yearn for them when they are not around, live for them to be happy, work to provide them the best of what we can, take care of them at all times, and ensure that we bring them up to become someone who we would be proud of.

However, often, we try and impose ourselves on our children or worse still, try and force them down a path that we wish to choose for them due to whatever preconceived notions or beliefs…

Picture this –

You have a young kid who you figure out is a prodigy in the game of chess. You get him the best teacher you can, take him to multiple tournaments to hone his play and become the no. 1 kid on the chess circuit.

And then, when he comes up short against one tough opponent, you berate him. You realise that you are doing something wrong but you want the kid to win at all costs. To prove that your investment in his future is right.

But the kid doesn’t want to play now. Fearful of this one other prodigal talent, he almost decides to give up. The teacher you have hired tries to force him to learn better and prepare better. But he is not ready to engage.

When you look at this situation – what would most of us do? We would try and sit down the kid and get him back to playing again. In a lot of cases, without worrying about why he is behaving like this or what is the core issue.

Nothing wrong with this approach – that is how we adults are attuned to behave in our cut-throat competitive world…

Except for one – this will be the most insensitive thing to do and will most probably kill the kid’s appetite for learning further.

And will be the end of the dream that we fostered with his spectacular talent! More importantly, it will be a dreadful experience for the child!!!

This week, with so much floating around in the form of negative news, I decided to get some positivity and focused on reading up and watching a couple of good impressionable movies. One of them was ‘Innocent Moves’ on Netflix or titled as ‘Search for Bobby Fischer’ on IMDB (UK and US versions respectively).

It is one of those real-life child prodigy movies and for those of us who have seen ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, released on Netflix recently, it might seem familiar to some degree. Not going by the IMDB rating, I personally found the movie to be a brilliant showcase of various multitudes – parenting, child psychology, parent-children relationship, societal pressures and viewpoints, and so on.

The story I narrated above, is what happens in the movie. Till the intermission. Post that, it flips…

The father realises that he needs to let the kid be and stops talking about chess. Takes him fishing for 2 weeks. Lets him play baseball and other sports. Reasons with himself that it is more important to see his kid happy.

And then the kid picks back his interest in chess and goes back to playing with his buddies in the neighbourhood park. Enough to get the moves back and to go for competition once again, this time beating the other prodigy through the new skills he acquired.

Sorry, if I spilled the beans. But that’s how most movies related to sports play out. So it’s not much of a reveal I hope!

What I found interesting was the soft nudges in a few scenes which showed a different side of how a prodigal talent can be groomed. And all of those scenes inclined towards the humane touch and the unique innocence of children.

How a father chooses to let his kid be instead of forcing his dreams upon the child, how a friend helps him gain his confidence back, how a mother protects him from being thrown into the competitive ring, how a teacher lets go of his ego against a past opponent and understands that the child can go into a match not being his usual confident self, how the child realises that it is more important to make friends than opponents, and finally how he gives the kids he defeated some of the tips and asks them to just try and play without pressure.

There was a lot to learn for me! About what not to do…

How not to take away the innocence from our children. It is better to let them be and grow up naturally.

How not to push our children to do better always. It is ok to not be good in some cases or not up to our expectations.

How not to beat down a child in the case of a failure but to encourage him to learn and grow. Helping him understand that failure is but a stepping stone to success.

How not to force them on the path that we think is best for them early on. Doing multiple things is bound to help them realise their preference and interests and pick up what suits them more later on in life.

How not to push them to turn everything in life into a race and view others as a threat. It is sometimes better to let things float around and let them gain random experiences before they settle down in to a rhythm. And better to make friends than foes.

Lastly, how not to force them to be a competitive machine always but to remember being human in all situations!

Hope to carry these lessons forward as I continue on my journey of being a parent and let my daughter utilise her unique innocence to grow into whatever she desires to be…