Month: July 2023

The Cycle of Parental Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Unstructured structures

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up, there were so many fun things that I (and by extension other kids around me) did.

All, well most of them, were unstructured. We didn’t plan for it or specially took out time for specific things.

Instead, we were allowed to let things flow. If our heart desired to go out and play, we did that. If we wanted to be ensconced within our home and play indoors, we did that.

No one guided us or pushed us to structure ourselves. Our parents didn’t ask us to enrol in classes or pursue specific interests. We were left to our own devices.

As we grew up, some of us naturally picked up hobbies or things we liked doing. And enrolled for lessons. Some pursued those lessons seriously while others did it for fun.

But there wasn’t any pressure on us. From any quarters. We were free to do as we pleased. Well, mostly.

When I look back, this unstructured way of growing up allowed me to be a free bird. And without posing any pressure, allowed me to pursue things that I enjoyed during those growing up years.

As I was discussing with a few friends last week, we went into a discussion on how today we are all pushing our children to pursue things in a more structured manner.

I am sure we do it to expose our children to new things and allow them to experience them. In most cases without any pressure, but in some with expectations or a push to get involved seriously.

But are we restricting our children to gain very specific guided experiences instead of the serendipitous encounters we had in our childhood?

Are we, by design, moving them into a more defined and constrained environment? And thereby, reducing the choices they may have?

This approach may help to lower the choices or improve the experiences that our children may get. But is it really going to help them in the long run?

Well, the jury is out. Hopefully will be able to write about it in a couple of decades, looking back further…

Mental Make-up

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I often get asked about how someone gets trained in the military academy or hear remarks about the physical aspect of the training. And I often tell people, it is all about mental toughness.

Well, that is what I learnt after spending time at the academy in India.

When we entered the academy, most of us weren’t physically fit. More importantly, we were mentally weak. The sergeants and officers tasked with training us and converting us into officers therefore had two specific objectives.

In the first few weeks, I recall that we went through a grueling schedule. Not being used to the rigor of the place, it was a challenge for most of us to meet the physical requirements of the training. But it was as much about the mental aspect.

When we thought we couldn’t run, we were made to do timed 5 km runs. When we thought we were hungry, we were forced to go without food. When we thought we needed sleep, we were made to stand outside in freezing cold in attention.

It was worse at best for us. But it was also necessary. For what use is physical strength if you don’t have the mental toughness to handle things.

As we progressed through the academy training, the mental toughness that we developed was what helped us ace tasks that we couldn’t even think were possible a few months back. By the time we graduated, we were all much more tougher overall.

I have realized that this is true in so many other things in life. If I am mentally tough and clear about what I want out of life in general or from a decision I take at any given point in time, it is much easier to navigate through things. If not, I remain confused or troubled.

Be it figuring out what I want to do in my professional life or what I aim for in my personal life. Clarity of thought is the most important aspect.

This past few weeks, as I have spent time meeting friends and family in India, I have often been asked questions about how I am settling down after relocation. Or what is my plan for the coming years when I plan to return. Or how do I see things panning out after I take that decision.

My answer always boils down to what I want in my mind. If I am clear about what I want of this stint outside India or how I plan to live my life when I return, I will always see things in the right perspective and take the right calls. If not, I will forever be confused and only trouble myself.

I may not have the right outcomes and change gears or my approach, and that is fine. But as long as I have an understanding of what I am doing and why am I doing that, things will pan out decently.

And if ever they don’t, well that’s a learning for me to carry along with through my life!

Not the same person…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The man looked around. He could see his colleagues applauding. With a big smile on his face, he strode toward the stage.

He had been chosen as the best performing sales person for the second year in a row. It was indeed a proud moment. His family was standing and cheering for him. So were some of his colleagues.

But only some…

Not as last year, when the entire team was on its feet, applauding him. Nor were some of the other peers standing, who had been good friends since they had started working in this organization a few years ago.

Going up to the stage, he kissed the trophy that was presented to him, and held his fist in the air. Signifying his win in yet another battle.

A battle he had made his own. Which he fought with his friends within the company and alienated them for. Which he fought without his team at times for he couldn’t afford to lose, bringing them down in the process.

Which he ultimately won after pulling some strings that weren’t the obvious ones to pull. After all, he knew how to get something if he really wanted to.

He got down, walked toward his wife, kissed her on the cheek and sat down. She noticed he did not hug her like last time nor was he holding her hand like he did every time he achieved something.

She wiped off her tears of joy, for they meant nothing to him. All the sacrifices she had to do to weren’t remembered. The smile on her face vanished and was replaced by a farcical grin.

As the ceremony closed, she could see that only a few people in his office approached him with real warmth. Most others just congratulated him quickly and went away on some or the other pretext.

From a simple boy, wanting to work hard and do good, he had transformed into a task master obsessed about winning. At all costs.

Winning had taken over him and consumed him. And he was not the same person anymore…

He had become a slave of victory in the professional arena. And in the process tasted defeat on personal grounds!

Notions and Perceptions

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

We often form notions and perceptions about people, places, or things.

Sometimes, they get formed after due diligence or experiences we have. Sometimes, without so, based only on hearsay.

These past few days, as I spent time in Kashmir on a holiday, I realised the false notions and perceptions a lot of us Indians hold about the region.

For those who don’t know, Kashmir has been a troubled part of India, with disputes running since the country’s independence. Off late, it had become infamous for terrorist activities and anti-establishment echoes.

While the situation has improved considerably and people are again returning in droves to this tourist heaven, the long held notions and perceptions haven’t changed much.

It was not surprising for me to note the same hospitality I had received in the state when I had visited it fifteen years back. But as I talked with my brother, for whom this was also his second visit, the feeling reverberated and that re-affirmed my thoughts.

Contrary to perception, most people in the valley are peace loving and cooperative. People here are genuine, well mostly. And they are very hospitable.

As I thought about my experience and the contrary nature to the notion most of us have, I realised that we make this mistake many a times in our daily lives.

We often accept what others perceive or tell us, without enough fact checking on our side. We follow the majority opinion, not wanting to be that one contrarian. We form our own notions based on someone else’s experience.

I have made these mistakes many a times. There have been times when thankfully I have been able to identify and correct that mistake. But I am sure there are many more such mistakes I don’t know about.

What if I start applying myself to understand a point of view better and without any bias always? What if I start to form any notions only after careful considerations?

I do think I will be a better person. And hopefully I will have the right perspective on those people, places, or things…