The brighter side

I believe strongly in this saying, “Whatever happens, it’s for the good“. Something I learnt through personal experiences.

And yet, when something untoward happens, my mind first races to the negative side…

Why did this happen with me? How did I let it happen? What did I do wrong? And many such questions.

This weekend, when I missed my return flight from a longish business trip, it wasn’t a happy feeling. I felt like an idiot.

While I sorted out the mess and got myself booked again on another flight for the next day, my mind continued to swarm with negative thoughts. When I called up home to tell them of the mishap, it felt so bad I wanted to scream at myself.

But then, I calmed myself down. Sat down for a while and took some time to make peace with the fact that I could have done better.

In my sleep, I must have dreamt away those thoughts, for when I woke up, I felt neutral.

It took me longer to get back home but on the way I met a couple of good people, got some good me time at the right waking hours, and also got some work done.

Most importantly, I realized why the mishap had come to pass, and identified corrective actions, so that I do not let something similar happen again.

Maybe there are some other lessons or good that I don’t realize now or haven’t come true but will be revealed with time.

This has happened with me in the past too. I didn’t succeed in my business when I had put in so much effort. I didn’t get through a competitive exam when I wanted to pass badly. I had to give away my childhood dream due to an injury. But each time, I realized that mishap had made me stronger. And the future had in store for me better things.

That’s why some ask us to ‘be positive!’ Or you may call it ‘looking at the brighter side’…

Give me more. Time.

Give me 15 seconds to explain. Or a minute to complete… How often have I heard it!

It seems as if all we want is to ask for some time when it’s run out already. Even if it doesn’t help us.

Wait. Maybe, it does? It makes our voice heard.

But what we can achieve in those 15 seconds or in a minute that we couldn’t all the while when we were in the meeting or in that situation?

Perhaps, we didn’t get a chance to speak. Or the time allotted was too short. Which are both good reasons to seek more time.

However, wouldn’t it make sense to then ask for 5 minutes or 15? Why a few meagre seconds?

Is it that we are so enamored to the concept of time that we don’t want to waste others or ours? Or is it that we are so perennially short of it that asking for more may show our greed / insensitivity?

I think it is neither but ignorance on our part. Ignorance to comprehend that we won’t be able to say something in a few seconds, that which we haven’t already said.

For, is it really possible to complete, let the other person comprehend and expect him/her to respond to what you have to say in 15 seconds?

It could also be a matter of greater complexity than originally thought. And if so, then the matter anyways needs more time and asking for a few seconds won’t help. Better to discuss in more detail when everyone has more time!

Whatever it may be, the best thing to do IMHO, is not to seek more time immediately but rather put forth your point separately – in the next meeting or when you have a chance to.

Maybe asynchronously? After thinking through deeply and then putting it forward.

For, if the matter would have been so urgent, the decision would have already been made. And if you hadn’t spoken for or against it then, likely you didn’t for a reason…

The (Road) Rage within(?)

I recall watching a hilarious take on how traffic in India moves. It was a very good demonstration of all the wrong things we practice on the road in our country.

How we swerve to overtake, without worrying about the person behind or in front of us. How in the quest of reaching some place early, we break rules. How much we honk, as if it’s our birthright. And how we have a general disregard toward pedestrians.

After coming back to India, while driving around for the last two plus months, I have often wondered about this question – why are our worst behaviors coming out when on road?

Not that the US doesn’t have its share of such behavior. I did see a few cases when I was there. But when I compare those to India, we win handsomely. By a margin so big that I cannot even calculate!

I have been driving a car for more than twenty years. But we’ve never had the kind of insensitivity that we have now.

Earlier, there was a certain civility in the way we used to drive. The traffic was way lesser, and even though the roads weren’t as wide as now, it used to flow through pretty seamlessly. Pedestrians could coexist on one side of the road. Bikes weren’t approaching you to stomp over.

Now, everyone is in a mad rush, playing Roadrash all the time (my favorite game once :)). Not just the autos and taxis!

I have seen people not yielding to pedestrians even though there is not much room to move forward. I have seen bikers zoom past zigzagging at high speeds like they were playing a video game. I have heard countless and useless horns, without a need for them mostly. And I am sure I have been abused multiple times, by someone in a different vehicle…

But the worst part is not that. It is as if we don’t care anymore. We are just trying to get by, wading through the labyrinth, unhinged by what we leave in our wake.

All this makes me wonder if this behavior is just happening on the road or is it playing out in our minds. Are we so frustrated at life on the road that we take it out on the machine and on the fellow travelers? Or are we genuinely so pressed for time always that even a second’s delay isn’t affordable?

In our quest for survival and winning at all costs, we are taking it to an extreme everywhere? Or is it the lack of discipline and enforcement that’s letting us become the worst version of ourselves?

Whatever it is, I feel just like so many things around us, there is something that we must do about it. That I must do about it. It may not amount to much but at least it allows me to have a good feeling about my behavior.

The hack to conform to my own principles? Switch on some music, focus on staying in the lane, and drive with the same respect that I would accord to others in the US. One good thing that I carried with me…

How Does It Feel?

Iman was sitting at a table in the college canteen. He had a plate full of vegetable Hakka noodles, his favorite dish. And yet, he wasn’t feeling like eating.

There were students thronging nearly all tables, orders flowing in thick and fast, and he had landed in that zone all by himself. It was his first week in the college and he hadn’t made many friends. A couple of boys, who he had gotten to know better than others, were still in the library.

He had tried to evade the growing hunger and somehow skip eating lunch alone. But he knew better than to not have food. So, heading to the canteen, he ordered the dish that seemed the easiest, and had taken a seat at a smaller table.

While he was still thinking, another boy, who he recognized was from his own class, came towards him, smiling. He just said a hi and sat down. After all, college canteens are not a place to check if you can join someone. You just grab a chair wherever you can find one, specially during the lunch hour.

The other boy introduced himself as Kamran. Iman introduced himself, and they started to talk about some random stuff about classes. Soon, they got down to eating their food.

Kamran had a plate full of rice, a rich thick gravy, a little bit of curd, some salad, and a couple of other things. His plate was overflowing, everything just about managing its place. Some of the accompaniments had mixed with each other, creating colorful melanges of their own.

Kamran didn’t have a big appetite. But he relished the usual homely style lunch more than some of the fast food items and wanted all things available. He was also not averse to using his hand at times, to aid his rather quick fire style of eating.

Iman was a more ‘polished’ guy. He had been taught table manners since he was a child and usually enjoyed his food neatly laid out, picking on things separately, always using some cutlery. Naturally, he found the sight of Kamran’s plate and his eating style not to his liking. He was however, far too proud to call it out. Instead, while continuing the small talk, he kept observing Kamran.

Kamran on the other hand, also realized that his classmate had different eating habits. Kamran had not eaten like that ever, so he was also intricately watching Iman indulge in his food.

This went on for a while. The two boys continued their banter and continued to observe each other.

By this time, Iman was feeling slightly unnerved about what he was witnessing. But he could also see that Kamran was really enjoying his food and that intrigued him. How could one eat with such abandon, have so many things that are all mixed up at the same time, and yet enjoy it? What about flavors and manners?

Kamran was astonished by the methodical manner in which Iman ate and wished he could develop such sophistication. He also saw that Iman was very adept at separating out ingredients and picked at them at will, which raised questions in his mind about taste buds. For him everything was the same!

Both boys, by this time had realized that there was something amiss about them. Iman had not had so much enjoyment eating food ever. Kamran had never relished food but always considered it as fuel for the body and was always happy eating it.

As they finished their food, and walked out together, both of them were thinking the same thing – “Not that I want to be, but what if I could eat like him for a while? Wouldn’t that be cool?”

In the background, Dylan’s song played out from inside the canteen, “How does it feel?”…

Moral Compasses

What is it? Why do we need one? How do I explain this simply?

This question had been riling me for a while. Not because I didn’t know the explanation. But because that explanation was abstract or complex, not easily describable.

Then, this week something happened which helped me decipher the explanation!

As is the wont, our daughter made a mistake. A behavioral mistake. One that wasn’t agreeable to me or my wife. And we set out to make it right.

We knew we had to nip that behavior in the bud and at the same time help our daughter realize how she needs to change it.

This wouldn’t have been possible by positing as the usual dad, which I am often guilty of. It rather needed me to wear a different hat and check in my biases, inhibitions, and suggestions at the door. I chose to have a heart to heart with her.

Sitting down, we had a long conversation. About what had led her to behave like she did. How had it not been obvious to her that it wasn’t right. And what was her observation post her behavior. As well as of those around her.

I gave her the room to speak her mind and tell me what she was thinking before and after. And how did she perceive it.

As we dived in, I realized that I needed to give her a tool which could help her in similar situations going forward. So, I explained to her the code that I follow. “Don’t do something that you cannot tell about to everyone”.

She took my advice and has course corrected, apologizing to a couple of friends at the rough end of the behavior. As well as making peace with herself that although she slipped some, we caught on to her and she is back to her usual self.

But as I thought about it, I realized the simplicity with which I had explained a very important concept to her. That of morality and how to judge it!

For what is morality? How we ought to see ourselves or how we see others? How we ought to do ourselves or how we do to others? They are both intertwined I believe, in a circular motion.

Morality moves in tandem with who we are, and what we do. Whatever we choose, our morals become that. And that compass continues to guide us in the direction that we had already chosen…