Month: January 2025

Nostalgia and Guilt

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

There are many a times we suffer from nostalgia, when we recount the days passed by. Either with friends or family or in a particular setting.

There are also things that we have done or decisions we have taken, which at some point in time come back to us and result in guilt.

This past week, as I landed in the Bay Area and spent a few days in Foster city, these two feelings hit me simultaneously.

We spent a year and a half in this place, before we moved back to India 6 months back…

When I had booked the trip, I planned to stay in the vicinity of the office and some other folks I wanted to meet. So, foster city was a natural choice.

It didn’t occur to me much until later, when a colleague asked me if I will feel nostalgic upon my return. Even then, I brushed it off, thinking it will be fine.

However, I was surprised by the intensity of the feeling. It’s been six months but as I walked around the same paths I used to pass by and went around some landmarks we used to visit or our life revolved around, it felt like those days were flashing past me.

I and my wife going for a walk. Our daughter going into the school or we picking her back. A couple of supermarkets we used to go to quite often. A couple of restaurants we frequented.

The list could go on. But you get it. There was heavy nostalgia in revisiting those recent memories. And a heavier sense of guilt!

Guilt because, it was our choice to move back. And for having pushed the family out of this setting.

I lived with questions for a couple of days…

Did I take a hasty decision? Should we have stayed here longer, perhaps we would have found more friends and a life! Why did I give in so easily and not fight it out?

Those couple of days were spent in a lot of self introspection and questioning myself.

Then, as I was reflecting on my days passed by and recounting to a friend what we have been up to ever since going back to India, it struck me.

It may have been a decision taken too soon. But it wasn’t in haste.

We would have definitely found more friends here, but we have so many in Bangalore. And a lot more family around, shorter distances away.

I could have fought on living here but I didn’t want to miss a chance of living life more fully with people I really wish to spend time with.

And so, as I flew out of the city, it became apparent to me that the nostalgia I was feeling was natural but the guilt that had been brewing inside could be put aside.

Maybe, I will still get these kind of questions both inside my head and from my wife and daughter, when we compare something between the two places.

But I hope my head will be able to handle those feelings better and not leave me confused as I was these past few days!

After all, the nostalgia means we had a good time, although it lasted a short while. Perhaps incentive to plan a family trip sometime later on.

And without any feeling of guilt left over, I could happily say that the one and a half year we spent here was some of the best times we spent as a family!

Empathy and Care

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

In most things, we men are not as ripe between the ears as the women folk are…

Our wives are much better than us in most things. Our moms are way more perceptive than we can ever be. And our sisters are the elder one, even when we may have been born earlier.

I am sure there are numerous such anecdotes we can relate to. We have all heard about how women are great at making decisions or working through chaos to get to the right outcomes.

The reason? I think it has to do with empathy and care.

A few days back, as my wife and I were discussing something about our daughter’s behavior, I realized that she was looking at the matter through the eyes of our daughter. While I had been looking at it from only our eyes.

As we discussed more, and I looked deeper through her thoughts, it was all because of her empathy toward our daughter at all times.

My focus was on how our daughter should be behaving and therefore what we need to do to amend it. Whereas, my wife’s focus was on why she was behaving the way she had been and the gap that we need to fill – to help her get to where we want her to be.

We both care for our daughter and wanted to influence her toward the right path. My process was to point her directly to the path, my wife’s process was to stand with her and show her why the right path is the one to choose.

It isn’t that I am not empathetic. I think I am. But only when I want to be or when I think there is a need. She however, is so by nature.

Similarly, my mother’s perception of most situations is quite deep. Because she thinks empathetically about the people and the surroundings and cares. Whereas my father may only be looking at one angle and not considering all those aspects. I have seen it enough no. of times but hadn’t realized it until recently.

I could go on with more such examples but what I am driving to is this – most men are wired differently. We like to get to the point and stick to our opinions. We try and eliminate variables and focus on the main topic. And move on to the next problem or situation.

Women on the other hand, take their time to consider multiple things before deciding. They are not afraid to get into more complexities and while they may deviate sometimes, they always come back to the path.

Is it important then, for us men, to learn new ways? Of course, they can help us. But that’s not the point.

I think there must be contrasting views and approaches in most situations, coming from both men and women, for us to decide the best way forward. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we aren’t.

What’s important is to remember that we need not always be right. And our wife/mom/sister have an equally valid point of view, which must be considered and factored in the final decision!

Or better still, let them take the decision and follow along…

Winds of Change

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Arya was sitting down clutching herself. It had been a while she had gone out of the home.

Ever since she had moved to the new city, her will to move around had given way to a general reluctance.

Not that she had not tried. Soon after landing in the new place, she had gone out every evening, trying to meet people in the neighbourhood. She didn’t have any friends here and wanted to make a few.

However, owing to the gloomy and cold weather outside, most folks were staying inside those days. Even those who were found moving around, were preoccupied or rushing to get back into the comfort of their homes.

It seemed almost disrespectful to Arya to stop someone for small talk and intros then. So, she had kept exploring the surroundings. They weren’t promising either.

The area she had shifted to was slightly outside the city, in an upcoming suburb. The bustling shops that the city was known for hadn’t found a reason to set up in this corner.

Day after day, Arya kept going out for her evening walks. And coming back home chilled to the bone, without meeting anyone. It had been a month by then.

As if God was trying to test her further, the weather worsened the next few weeks. Only those who had to go for an important errand dared to venture out. Ordering stuff online and being in the comfort of one’s home was far more soothing.

Arya gave up. Although a part of her wanted to go out, the stronger part of her brain convinced her to stay indoors. Work had also started to pile up and she started spending countless hours in front of her laptop.

She had never been like this. In the previous city, she had lots of friends and a few cousins. So, her weekends were always busy. After all, that was the only time she got away from work.

She didn’t realize the slow creep until that Friday evening. She had just finished work and when she got up to have dinner, it stuck her that she hadn’t been out of the house for almost two months! And had nothing to look forward to over the weekend.

It got to her. Slowly at first but then rapidly overwhelming her and within a matter of minutes, she was sitting down on the floor, sobbing and clutching herself.

She remained in that state for almost an hour and the weariness of the effort got to her. Her body gave up, she lay down, cuddling on the floor, and went to sleep.

That evening, she had a strange dream. She was in the middle of a party, standing alone and watching everyone. It seemed all those strangers were enjoying the party and calling her to join. But she was frozen to her place. Then, someone came and touched her and those shackles broke. She spent the evening partying on her own with that crowd, in which she knew no one.

Arya woke up. It must have been an hour that she was lying like that but it seemed as if an era had passed.

She went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face to get off the fatigue. As she looked into the mirror, she saw not her current self but the happy version she had been in her dream.

Startled, she looked closely at her reflection. It was the same Arya. But without a worry about whether she knew anyone or not, only focused on herself and her happiness.

The next few minutes were a blur. She changed, got her phone and wallet, and booked herself a taxi. In a jiffy, she was standing outside her house.

The taxi arrived. She sat down and just told the driver to take her around town over the next 3-4 hours. She didn’t know if she wanted to stop anywhere. If nothing appealed to her she would come back home.

Then, as the taxi started moving, she pulled down the window. The wind was strong but not very cold. As it hit her face, Arya smiled.

She had been missing the wind…

“Exposed”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up in small town India was a lot of fun. Specially during the summer holidays.

Almost all of my summer holidays were spent at home or with grandparents and cousins. It however meant that I often didn’t go beyond those places, neither did I get exposed to new things.

This changed rapidly during my high school years. Didn’t happen inorganically or because someone elder decided that I needed exposure. It was rather organic and spontaneous, even circumstantial.

Post my 10th class exams, I decided to accompany my cousins to Delhi. Alone, without my parents.

Although I had been to Delhi earlier with my parents, now I was a teenager and it felt liberating to go live with them alone. My parents somehow were quite comfortable and allowed me to explore.

My cousins also, sensing my excitement, let me be. We roamed around quite a bit, saw some of the iconic landmarks of the city, and ate at some good places. It was when I took to reading novels in a single sitting and quite surprisingly, finished quite a few of them.

That was my first exposure to big city life, in all its glory and shame. Some tough lessons in that trip!

Next summer, after finishing my 11th class exams, my maternal uncle and my father prodded me to attend a Military School camp. Something that aligned well with my ambitions to join the forces, and to which I readily agreed.

It was the first time I stayed in a hostel and experienced that life. Being on your own forces you to learn rapidly. It is radically different and exposed me to the good, the bad, and the ugly among the crowd.

Again, in all its glory and shame, I learnt to live on my own and read people a little better. I also learnt many life lessons, that are embedded in the conscious and subconscious mind.

That same year, I went over to help my cousins move their home and spent days helping them pack and unpack. Although it was relatively easier, I had never assumed such responsibility during our own moves from one place to another, and it offered me multiple lessons.

That real world interaction, in a new location, again proved to be rich in exposure. It also allowed me to explore a place that I had been to earlier with my parents, only this time in a different light.

All these opportunities not only exposed me to new stuff, but also proved helpful later on as I branched out on my own. If I wouldn’t have been in those situations, it would have taken me longer to find my groove later.

Today, as a parent, when I think of how many things our daughter is getting exposed to, and the pace at which it is happening, I am amazed. And yet, it is also a realisation that all these experiences shouldn’t just help her see a new world but also learn aspects of life that she wouldn’t get to just being at home.

Something to keep a note for this new year and beyond!