Author: Rishi

Pedigree

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Why do we bias towards pedigree? Is it or is it not as important as we think it is?

This is the kind of term we use when we want to show that the subject in focus belongs to a particular group. Mostly, the highly desirable groups who have been educated or come from a higher class background.

Is it our fascination with higher classes in general? Or has it got to do with some deep rooted feelings that get ignited within us?

These past few weeks, I have been listening to a podcast by ‘The Ken’, titled ‘First Principles’. It is interviews with some of the well known startup founders and what drives them and their companies.

As I listened to some of the well known and successful founders, I tried to observe patterns. And some interesting insights have emerged in my head.

One such important question, that rears time and time again in my head, has been this one about pedigree…

Those who graduated from the top schools and universities had a strong alumni backing, plenty of confidence in their abilities, and above all, a general sense of accomplishment that they embody. They seem to have a sense of purpose and a particular vision about how they see the world and their specific area of interest.

But even those founders who are not very high pedigree display a high sense of accomplishment and confidence. They have the same sense of purpose and vision. The society probably doesn’t hold enough confidence in them. Or they don’t have the same strength of alumni’s backing. But their success isn’t middling, in fact much better in some cases.

In fact, I think for most people who are capable enough, pedigree stops mattering after the first few years. It may have helped in getting a start but the person’s progress is more dependent on how s/he does going forward rather than what s/he did earlier.

If I look at myself, it is the same pattern. Pedigree stopped mattering after the initial years. What I lack in some way I make it up in other aspects because of my capabilities and abilities. And where I come from matters less and less.

Am guessing it is the same for most folks.

We however, personally, still view pedigree as important. We go out of our way to recognise it, idolise it, aspire for it, and discriminate basis it!

Perhaps, it is too ingrained a thought in our beings. Trapped within this thought process, we consciously or unconsciously try and move in that same direction as we have been accustomed to going in.

That’s probably why sometimes we overlook potential and fitment, incurring a loss when instead we should have kept the pedigree aside and chosen on the merit of the case…

Who Moved My …

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Life is uncertain. This is one of the first truisms I learnt. I guess, all of us realise this at some point in time. And then live with it unconsciously.

Until, when life throws a curveball at us…

The most common fallacy we live with till then is that this won’t happen with us. Until it does.

And then we get surprised, knocked out, and end up dejected. Some times, we see this coming. Often times, it is completely tangential.

While watching a couple of movies this weekend revolving around this theme, I relived my own days of despair and came through with these thoughts.

As it so happened, whilst in the Army, I was hospitalised for a long time on account of a cervical spine injury. As days became weeks and months, I was advised to multiple doctors and finally it was decided that I will be medically boarded out.

It took me a while to first accept the fact that this would be the end of my dream. The world I had been building up to in my life. And it took me down a rabbit hole of despair and solitude.

As I was fighting these feelings, I was gifted the book “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson. It is an interesting parable and talks about how life throws a spanner in the works sometimes and how to recover and keep moving.

That book helped me get a new perspective. It made me look at the brighter side of life, where I could go out and get another shot at doing something else rather than being stuck in a frustrating situation with a physical category in the army.

Slowly, I came out of that despair and hopeless situation that I had found myself in and started looking at things with a brighter perspective again.

Time moved on and I got other opportunities to prove myself, gain new experiences, and grow. I of course made more mistakes and lost some keys to some rooms, but I am in a decent place in life.

As I recalled these details this weekend, I was reminded of how most of us are so stuck in the worlds we are building for ourselves, in our own small way, that we often are blindsided by these curveballs.

Believe you me, they are somewhere on their way. Only if we could keep our eyes and minds open to these possibilities of mishaps. But even then, we could completely be caught off guard.

I guess the only way we can keep up and prepare for such scenarios is by knowing deep within that nothing is permanent and tides change.

As long as we can get up and get moving after that shock, we will be fine. And all will be ok!

Hoarders!

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We are all hoarders. In the literal sense of the word.

Each one of us hoards something – for some it is their feelings, for some it is money, and for some it is random stuff. There may be other things too that a section may specialize in hoarding but am not going to dwell on that.

This week, as I spent some time introspecting, this question occurred to me – what does hoarding do to us and what it doesn’t? Is it helpful or is it not?

Well, I am someone who hoards feelings. I like to keep my feelings to myself. Not because I cannot let them out but because I don’t believe in sharing them at random. It may be a bane but that’s how I am built. Emotional and sensitive.

I realize that this hoarding doesn’t help me always. In fact, there was a time in my life, when things were only going downhill, when this hoarding led to major explosions within me and affected many a close people around me. It made me unnaturally aggressive and pushed me to spiral negatively. Until, I chose to just let it all go out of my system.

Since then, I have tried to keep the hoarding to the minimum. Not that it doesn’t happen now. But I try and share things more, with people who matter to me or those who I know will be amenable to hearing me out. It has helped me to not bottle up things within and maintain my balance, also ensuring I keep my sane perspective.

Some folks I know are hoarders of money. It isn’t a bad thing, in fact it is a virtue. They are able to control their impulses and not get influenced to part with their money. They generally think deeply through their head and weigh every decision in terms of the monetary angle.

While this may be prudent, in most such cases, I have also seen them taking decisions which are not conducive to their own personal health. They either go ultra hard on hoarding, thereby becoming stingy with the other things that matter in leading a good, comfortable life. Or they push away other people from them by this behavior. Ultimately, they have money but most times, not the affection of others.

I have never been a hoarder of money but often times when I come across such folks, I do try and understand their perspective about money. Because, irrespective of what I just said earlier, their discipline is commendable. And they have taught me a thing or two about being financially prudent. Thanks to them, I have developed better habits around saving money and keeping track of it.

Then, there are people I have come across who hoard things. They like to preserve and keep things for long. Even if the value or utility of that thing has long expired.

Of all vices, I think this is the most harmless. After all, you are hoarding stuff you have used at some point of time. The only downside being, if it turns into an obsession and prevents one from appreciating and using new things. For, only when we peruse the new is when we learn and grow.

The ones who hoard stuff, do so because it is not natural to them to throw away things. Sometimes it is driven by the sentimental value of that stuff, sometimes by the practical desire of using it for some other purpose, or sometimes just impulsively to avoid wastage. The thing I have learnt from them is to value things, no matter old or new – as long as it is useful to me or someone else.

As you can see from my musings above, I haven’t reached a particular conclusion here. What I did realize though is that sometimes even a term with a negative connotation could provide us insights on how to or not to do things.

Like with most things negative – there is always a positive lesson – both for the person who experienced/did it and for the observers…

Hopefully, I didn’t hoard any other insights and shared what I learnt here!

The First Time.

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The battlefield was a scene of utter devastation. Scars of the fighting going on over the last two days were visible everywhere.

In the middle of it all, a young man was lying down. He was alive. But exhausted and tired by what had happened over the last two days. His breath was heavy. Not because he was injured. But because he had just re-lived the last 48 hours. How had they changed his life!

As the din subsided and things went quiet in the twilight hours, he slowly helped himself and sat down. He then deliberately ran his eyes around to soak in the scene. As if suffering from hysteria, he started weeping.

Lying next to him was his closest friend. Dead. They had both started their army life on the same day and had become good buddies very soon. He was now gone. Too soon.

The young man remembered what had happened. Charging against the other side, they had gotten into a hand-to-hand combat and his friend was severely wounded by a couple of soldiers from the opposite side.

He then recalled how enraged he had felt at just that moment, and how that rage had made him uncontrollable. He, of the gentlest manners, had then fought off the two soldiers, hesitating just a bit before killing them.

After all, he had never killed someone before. But as he committed the act twice in quick succession, he felt something churning inside him. His mind went numb soon after and he fell down, as if someone had stuck him a blow.

All the training he had got was only to prepare him with how to react physically. How to handle blows to his body. They hadn’t prepared him for what to do when a close friend gets killed. Or how to react after killing someone yourself.

At first, he felt remorse for the soldiers he had just killed. They were also young, just like him. They also would have lost someone dear to them today. How lucky were they that they didn’t have to think about those losses anymore.

Then, he felt pity on himself. How could he do what he just did? And how will he look upon himself going forward? Wouldn’t it have been better if he had just knocked them down unconscious. What did his first time at killing someone on a battlefield mean?

As he sat there for some more time, it occurred to him that this had all been inevitable. The day he had signed up for the army, he should have known that such a moment will occur some day. In fact, he knew it will. What he didn’t do was think of what it will mean to him.

It was just a day on the job for someone like him. He had chosen this path. And the after effects of the incidence were his alone to deal with…

Replace the soldiers with ordinary men. Replace the battlefield with a corporate setup or a disoriented team or an unruly class. And assume the killing to be figurative rather than literal.

Sadly, a setting most of us are familiar with and see happening around us all too often…

“Doing it for fun”

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The past few days, I got to spend time with myself on a pretty scenic drive up and down the pacific highway.

While gazing at the horizon over the Pacific Ocean or driving around the highway with the scenic views giving me company may not qualify as a fun activity for many people, it was for me. There’s something about driving at leisure and spending time doing nothing. Just for fun!

As I spent this time with the family and with myself, I also searched high and low within myself about a few things going on in life off-late. It helped me to reassess my priorities and whether I am doing things that I like to do or those which make me happy.

Later during the weekend, as I spent time with a cousin, we were talking about her passion for art. She is a gifted painter and artist and as we looked at some of the paintings, we questioned her about taking it up as a profession than a hobby. What followed was illuminating for me.

She narrated a few incidents about how she derives pleasure from the art and what she does and while she hasn’t thought about it from a commercial lens, she is happy with how it’s panning out. She was in it for the fun.

This took me back to a conversation I was having with a couple of senior colleagues over lunch a few weeks earlier. We were discussing children and as is usual, the question of their routine came up. The chat was elongated but one thing that shone through for me was the fact that their children were picking and doing things for fun.

Not with any intention or to prove anything. It was just so that they could enjoy the activity and keep doing it as long as they felt good about it. Comparing it with my own daughter’s choices, I could relate to why she was picking up things randomly for some time and giving them up later. Because it probably wasn’t as fun as before.

What’s the point here?

I realized one thing through all these conversations and observations, as well as through the reflection I did while away traveling. That is – we don’t always have to do something with a purpose, it is ok to just pick up a thing for the fun of it. Do it until it lasts, and then move onto something else.

I think over the last few years, I have grown increasingly attached to the notion of why I should or shouldn’t do something. Mostly it is so that I could benefit from it or because I am ready to commit to it for the long term. But what if I sometimes chose things just so that I could enjoy the process and then move on?

Why not pick up a new hobby and try it for a while? Why not start reading a book and if it is not fun, just drop it! Why not pick up a sport, play it for a while and then pick up another? Why not just go on long drives without an agenda whenever it feels like?

This list could be endless. But I am glad I began somewhere these last few days and took some drives and walked some paths that were just for the fun of it…

Investments

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We all choose what we invest in. It could be the markets, could be relationships, could be our health. But all of these are related to us directly.

There’s another type of investment that we make – with a team or an individual. It could be in the field of sports, in our workplaces, or in business partnerships. Today, I am talking about these kinds of investments…

The past 6-7 weeks, I chose to invest my energy, time, and emotions with the journey of the Indian national cricket team. It was the cricket World Cup and with India playing at home, and playing well leading up to the tournament, I pledged myself to the team’s success.

It was a fairy tale script. The team won all its league matches comfortably and looked like invincible. It increased my confidence significantly and I continued to invest more into their journey.

But as is sometimes the case, last night left a sad note in our books. The men faltered at the last stop and my faith that they will bring home the cup, and repay my investment, was shattered.

As I switched off the television and went to get some sleep, something agitated me. After all these weeks of waking up at odd hours to watch matches and follow all game analysis, I was expecting more.

But as I thought about it, laying down and unable to sleep, I realized that it wasn’t justified for me to react like this. For, I did enjoy the journey and it was a fabulous one. The team played like a champion and a single loss won’t negate that fact.

As I made peace with the fact, it also occurred to me that a lot of times we judge our investment of time / effort / money in a fleeting manner. We decide how the investment is faring by looking at the last few moments / days. Not thinking about the journey we have traversed with that investment.

Be it in matters of personal investments or financial, we become short-sighted and seek early results. But what if the fruit of the labour is in continuing to invest and learn and grow?

After all, we don’t ask that question of ourselves when we invest in our child’s education. Or in matters of health once we realise prevention is better than cure!

Celebrations.

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We like to celebrate.

Small things and definitely the bigger things.

Individually as well as collectively.

These celebrations mirror who we are or how we look at things.

This Diwali weekend, as I contemplated the meaning of celebrations, these thoughts crossed my mind. They started off with the festive cheer of the moment and then wandered in the woods to peep into the other celebrations that I have had or been a part of.

And what came out of this random-down-the-road thought train was something interesting…

The first stop on this train of mine was festivals.

I have always had a great affection for Diwali. It’s my favorite festival, right since childhood. As I grew up, these five days came to mean much more than just bursting crackers and eating sweets. It is these five days that have helped me remain close to my extended family. Celebrating being with each other, enjoying those little moments, being in each other’s company at least once a year during this time is what I have looked forward to. And while years have passed by, the bonding still calls me home.

The energy that I get from celebrations like Diwali helps me wade through other mazes in life…

The second stop on this train was personal celebrations.

The kinds I do when I get a year older, or enjoy another anniversary with my wifey, or achieve success in what I had set out to do. These celebrations are an important aspect of those special moments in my life. With just close ones around me. These celebrations happen each year but leave me with memories that last for a few years more.

Those memories is what makes me fondly remember times that passed by and the moments I cherish…

The third stop on the train was collective celebrations.

The likes I have had with office colleagues. Or friends. Or cousins. Where we celebrated hitting a milestone or an achievement. Or just enjoyed each other’s company in a setting different than the usual. The joy of spending that time together is what pulls us together and helps us pause to enjoy as a group without getting held up in the many immediate things going on in our life.

These celebrations are important to me for they allow me to be happy and appreciate the folks around me…

As this thought train wound back up to the origin point in my mind, I realized that all of these different celebrations have a great significance in my life. For they allow me to process life and continue the journey with vigor. And they aid my progress from time to time.

Even one of them missing from the scheme of things can throw the balance off. And derail not just my thought train but even cause misalignment in the tracks life has laid out ahead of me.

Seemingly a minor insight but one of great value to me – celebrate more, often, without compromises!

“Respect”

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It’s a very loaded word. Often misused as well. But it is also a very important one!

We use respect in the context of personal and professional relationships. We use it in the context of someone’s deeds. We use it in the context of how we feel about others. And sometimes, we also seek it through command, or in other words by demanding it.

In all of these contexts, what is important to note is that respect is not free. But it doesn’t ask for any fees also. On the contrary, it is something that is very intrinsic to us – both in terms of how we give it and how we receive it.

For our loved ones or personal relationships, we tend to mutually respect each other. Well, most of us. Either because the other person is elder or knowledgeable or is close enough to us.

We do it not for the sake of ourselves but for the sake of the relationship. To ensure it is healthy. To keep it going. For, how will two people who aren’t respectful toward each other enjoy each other’s company…

But there are instances when we turn disrespectful – because of something that we don’t agree with or because we are mistaken. In any case, if the personal relationship is important to us, we realize the fault and resolve the issue between the two people!

In professional relationships, we respect others if they are senior or are more accomplished or have achieved something significant. Again, in most cases.

But there is a higher frequency of turning disrespectful about others in our professional environments. I have seen umpteen seniors disrespecting juniors, team members making fun of someone they have singled out, juniors talking behind the back of someone they dislike.

This happens because there isn’t a personal bond…

What does happen in each of these instances is that it throws people off. Either because they were undeservedly disrespected, or because the manner in which they were called out.

Often, this breeds resentment. And that isn’t healthy. For it alienates people.

As is true for most things, looking at things from the other’s perspective can help us see things clearly. But then, that’s not a commonly used sense that most of us have inherently developed within!

The things I will miss…

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There’s a saying I’ve heard many a people say, “Enjoy your time with your children until they grow up”. One of my colleagues even relayed a scientific study that quoted how we spend almost two thirds of our entire time with our kids during their first ten years.

This weekend, during a casual conversation at the salon while getting a haircut, the owner was relaying to me how her daughters have grown up now and they hardly have time for her. She was talking about it in a humorous manner but I could also sense a tinge of sadness behind her voice at times.

As I stepped out and walked my way back home, I was reflecting on what I will miss with my daughter as the years pass by. She is eight currently, so I have technically spent more than half of my entire lifetime’s worth of time with her already!

I will surely miss her innocence. How she can ask the most simplest of questions without any prejudgements or implying anything. How she means only what she says and nothing else. And how she accepts any apologies with an open heart.

I will miss her laughter and the unbridled fun she has right now. How she goads us to tickle her, just because she likes it. Or how she finds joy in the smallest of things around her and reminds us of the beauty around us.

I will miss her curiosity and ability to grasp things. How she asks all kinds of questions because she genuinely wants to know. How she believes in things someone has told her and we have to then make efforts to prove it otherwise, in case she has learnt something wrong. How she is able to make sense of things so rapidly, while sometimes we are at sea.

I will miss her banter with us and the endless conversations she initiates. How she can strike up a chat on random things and go on about them for a long time. How she tells us everything, whether good or bad, because that’s how she feels like.

I will miss a lot more. I maybe don’t know yet. But what I do know is that as she grows up further, some of these things will go away from her behavior or change over time. She will surely have lesser time for us then.

Hopefully, I will be able to make the most of the times we have with her now and conserve all these memories while we still have the time to make them…

Storytelling

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

The movie ended on a note that made me watch it again! Unusual, though not the first time for me…

Memento was probably the second or third movie, which I wanted to rewatch immediately. I watched it the second time with my wife, relishing the details and making sense of the amazing style of storytelling that the director has used in this movie.

As I thought about the narrative style and the effects the director, Christopher Nolan, had employed to make his story compelling, the writer in me naturally marveled at the way a linear story had been twisted to make it complex.

How sometimes a change of perspective gives a different spin to the narrative! Something which is seemingly confusing becomes clearer suddenly.

How we as an audience invest into absorbing a story when we find it compelling and stay with it till the very end because it continues to make sense.

This thought remained with me all day yesterday. And then, as I was reflecting, I realized how powerful storytelling can be…

It is something we all practice in our daily lives multiple times. The stories we tell in our workplace, the stories we tell at home, the stories we tell ourselves!

Sometimes we chose to tell straight forward stories. We like to state facts and touch upon them as they happened.

Sometimes we chose to narrate with added emotions, inferences, or opinions. We like to give the story our own spin, for what is a straight forward tell!

Sometimes we chose to approach the storytelling from a different perspective and try to induce empathy / sympathy in the audience. In the hope that we would be able to effect an outcome that we want.

We use one or the other approach depending on the situation. For the simple purpose that we want to pass on the message to the other person in the most effective way.

As long as it is done with the right intention. Intention which is generally accepted as right, not as per us. For our understanding could be colored or biased.

And as long it is genuine. For what is the fun in telling a story that’s not genuine, unless we want to continue building a web of stories to hide the lies in the first one…