Author: Rishi

The Cycle of Parental Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Unstructured structures

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Growing up, there were so many fun things that I (and by extension other kids around me) did.

All, well most of them, were unstructured. We didn’t plan for it or specially took out time for specific things.

Instead, we were allowed to let things flow. If our heart desired to go out and play, we did that. If we wanted to be ensconced within our home and play indoors, we did that.

No one guided us or pushed us to structure ourselves. Our parents didn’t ask us to enrol in classes or pursue specific interests. We were left to our own devices.

As we grew up, some of us naturally picked up hobbies or things we liked doing. And enrolled for lessons. Some pursued those lessons seriously while others did it for fun.

But there wasn’t any pressure on us. From any quarters. We were free to do as we pleased. Well, mostly.

When I look back, this unstructured way of growing up allowed me to be a free bird. And without posing any pressure, allowed me to pursue things that I enjoyed during those growing up years.

As I was discussing with a few friends last week, we went into a discussion on how today we are all pushing our children to pursue things in a more structured manner.

I am sure we do it to expose our children to new things and allow them to experience them. In most cases without any pressure, but in some with expectations or a push to get involved seriously.

But are we restricting our children to gain very specific guided experiences instead of the serendipitous encounters we had in our childhood?

Are we, by design, moving them into a more defined and constrained environment? And thereby, reducing the choices they may have?

This approach may help to lower the choices or improve the experiences that our children may get. But is it really going to help them in the long run?

Well, the jury is out. Hopefully will be able to write about it in a couple of decades, looking back further…

Mental Make-up

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I often get asked about how someone gets trained in the military academy or hear remarks about the physical aspect of the training. And I often tell people, it is all about mental toughness.

Well, that is what I learnt after spending time at the academy in India.

When we entered the academy, most of us weren’t physically fit. More importantly, we were mentally weak. The sergeants and officers tasked with training us and converting us into officers therefore had two specific objectives.

In the first few weeks, I recall that we went through a grueling schedule. Not being used to the rigor of the place, it was a challenge for most of us to meet the physical requirements of the training. But it was as much about the mental aspect.

When we thought we couldn’t run, we were made to do timed 5 km runs. When we thought we were hungry, we were forced to go without food. When we thought we needed sleep, we were made to stand outside in freezing cold in attention.

It was worse at best for us. But it was also necessary. For what use is physical strength if you don’t have the mental toughness to handle things.

As we progressed through the academy training, the mental toughness that we developed was what helped us ace tasks that we couldn’t even think were possible a few months back. By the time we graduated, we were all much more tougher overall.

I have realized that this is true in so many other things in life. If I am mentally tough and clear about what I want out of life in general or from a decision I take at any given point in time, it is much easier to navigate through things. If not, I remain confused or troubled.

Be it figuring out what I want to do in my professional life or what I aim for in my personal life. Clarity of thought is the most important aspect.

This past few weeks, as I have spent time meeting friends and family in India, I have often been asked questions about how I am settling down after relocation. Or what is my plan for the coming years when I plan to return. Or how do I see things panning out after I take that decision.

My answer always boils down to what I want in my mind. If I am clear about what I want of this stint outside India or how I plan to live my life when I return, I will always see things in the right perspective and take the right calls. If not, I will forever be confused and only trouble myself.

I may not have the right outcomes and change gears or my approach, and that is fine. But as long as I have an understanding of what I am doing and why am I doing that, things will pan out decently.

And if ever they don’t, well that’s a learning for me to carry along with through my life!

Not the same person…

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The man looked around. He could see his colleagues applauding. With a big smile on his face, he strode toward the stage.

He had been chosen as the best performing sales person for the second year in a row. It was indeed a proud moment. His family was standing and cheering for him. So were some of his colleagues.

But only some…

Not as last year, when the entire team was on its feet, applauding him. Nor were some of the other peers standing, who had been good friends since they had started working in this organization a few years ago.

Going up to the stage, he kissed the trophy that was presented to him, and held his fist in the air. Signifying his win in yet another battle.

A battle he had made his own. Which he fought with his friends within the company and alienated them for. Which he fought without his team at times for he couldn’t afford to lose, bringing them down in the process.

Which he ultimately won after pulling some strings that weren’t the obvious ones to pull. After all, he knew how to get something if he really wanted to.

He got down, walked toward his wife, kissed her on the cheek and sat down. She noticed he did not hug her like last time nor was he holding her hand like he did every time he achieved something.

She wiped off her tears of joy, for they meant nothing to him. All the sacrifices she had to do to weren’t remembered. The smile on her face vanished and was replaced by a farcical grin.

As the ceremony closed, she could see that only a few people in his office approached him with real warmth. Most others just congratulated him quickly and went away on some or the other pretext.

From a simple boy, wanting to work hard and do good, he had transformed into a task master obsessed about winning. At all costs.

Winning had taken over him and consumed him. And he was not the same person anymore…

He had become a slave of victory in the professional arena. And in the process tasted defeat on personal grounds!

Notions and Perceptions

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

We often form notions and perceptions about people, places, or things.

Sometimes, they get formed after due diligence or experiences we have. Sometimes, without so, based only on hearsay.

These past few days, as I spent time in Kashmir on a holiday, I realised the false notions and perceptions a lot of us Indians hold about the region.

For those who don’t know, Kashmir has been a troubled part of India, with disputes running since the country’s independence. Off late, it had become infamous for terrorist activities and anti-establishment echoes.

While the situation has improved considerably and people are again returning in droves to this tourist heaven, the long held notions and perceptions haven’t changed much.

It was not surprising for me to note the same hospitality I had received in the state when I had visited it fifteen years back. But as I talked with my brother, for whom this was also his second visit, the feeling reverberated and that re-affirmed my thoughts.

Contrary to perception, most people in the valley are peace loving and cooperative. People here are genuine, well mostly. And they are very hospitable.

As I thought about my experience and the contrary nature to the notion most of us have, I realised that we make this mistake many a times in our daily lives.

We often accept what others perceive or tell us, without enough fact checking on our side. We follow the majority opinion, not wanting to be that one contrarian. We form our own notions based on someone else’s experience.

I have made these mistakes many a times. There have been times when thankfully I have been able to identify and correct that mistake. But I am sure there are many more such mistakes I don’t know about.

What if I start applying myself to understand a point of view better and without any bias always? What if I start to form any notions only after careful considerations?

I do think I will be a better person. And hopefully I will have the right perspective on those people, places, or things…

The lapse

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There was an orangish hue in the sky that evening. The sun was setting and a gentle breeze had had a good effect on the man, standing at the balcony in his high rise apartment in the heart of the city.

He had been a very successful entrepreneur. His startup had been a recognised and celebrated one, with successful operations across the country.

And yet, he felt that he hadn’t done enough. He was contemplating that day what he could do to change things. And as he stared at the setting sun and faced the gentle breeze, his mind drifted back into his past.

He remembered the days spent in his college, when he made great friends and amazing mistakes. And within all that mayhem, managed to do well in studies to secure a high paying corporate job.

It was only his self-insistence to do something different that had led him to move out of that job after a couple of years and roam around the country to absorb things.

As he recalled more, he remembered how while travelling the remotest parts of the country, he had hit upon his business idea. And how he had worked at perfecting the concept, not worrying about the time lost or what others would think.

After a few months of deliberations, he had then launched the startup and hit a home goal from the beginning. There were a fair share of hits and misses but the idea had merit and his startup constantly inched forward, to prove itself to its customers in the remotest towns and villages.

He had then expanded his horizons to provide multiple ancillary services. Again on the back of his insights that he continued to gather through his inland tours every few months.

Ten years had passed since the last time he had travelled inland. Increasing pressure on him and the demands on his time made him stop those. And slowly, with the influx of more senior managers, he had taken a back seat to enjoy the fruits of his labour.

It was only this late in life he was realising that it had not been enough. He had yearned to do more but somehow had ended up short.

Not for the want of desire. But for the lack of consistency to continue on the path he had set for himself.

He stepped back a bit, absorbed the evening, and breathed heavily. It was time to reset himself on the path. To walk again toward the destination he had set for himself.

For what he aspired for was still some distance away. In spite of the lapse, there was still time. He could yet walk on his path and reach his goal…

Exposure

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We strive for learning. Well, most of us, I presume. And getting exposed to various things is the best education I believe.

Today, while at my hometown, I was having a chat with my brother and we were discussing about how exposure helps.

Exposure to different people. To different ideas. To things we haven’t experienced before. To a life we haven’t lived before.

I was giving my own example of how my thinking has evolved and how I grew as a person as I got opportunities to learn from new settings and people.

Right from studying in different schools, to going to college in bigger cities. From working in different jobs to running my own business. From living in India to living abroad during my MBA and now.

Each such new experience also provided me with avenues to explore myself. To learn and unlearn. And to open up my mind to things which I hadn’t known or seen before.

Those new experiences enlarged my thought canvas. It helped me broaden my horizon. It made me realise my strengths and weaknesses. And above all, it helped me meet different people and experience different cultures, which make me who I am today.

I may not like something or I may enjoy a particular setting more than some thing else. But there’s no denying the learning part.

As we discussed this, we talked about how the current generation is experiencing many more things today than what we did when we were young.

That exposure is providing them with options in life that we hadn’t thought about. And it’s helping them be more clear about what they want or don’t want in life.

And that’s crucial to their growth individually. Because the more exposure we get and the faster we get it, the better it is.

Here’s to the success of this new generation then. And to making us much more aware of things we haven’t experienced ourselves…

Familiarity

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It’s strange how our mind finds comfort in things that are familiar and yet it expands when we leave that familiarity to venture into something new.

This weekend, as we travelled to India for a trip back home, there was a lot of nostalgia in my head. I had been missing Bangalore for a while, with all its amazing people and food. After all, I have lived there for ten years.

After we got off at the airport and in the one day I spent there, a lot of old memories whizzed past in my mind. Whether it was driving past some familiar roads or landmarks, or eating at some familiar joints, I had a great day.

I met with some known folks around and plan to catch up with many more when I get back to the city after a couple of weeks and spend more time working from our office there. Not to forget, all the nostalgia of traffic that hit me in pockets whenever we got stuck somewhere and how it reminded me of the time I will spend jostling around when I am there!

On my way to my home town, I was thinking about the solitary day and the joy it gave me. How familiar everything was and it didn’t feel like I was returning after six months of being in the US…

It then stuck me that this isn’t a one off case with me, or perhaps many people. We find comfort in familiarity and seek it out subconsciously. But it also sometimes lulls us into rhythms that we don’t appreciate much. That, in some cases, restricts us from exploring new things which we may like or dislike.

And then, before we know it, we get steeped into a mindset that stops welcoming change in that sphere. Knowing fully well that change is the only constant, we avoid it or try and bypass it. Without much success, I must add.

The only way that I think works universally to unlock our horizons is when we force ourselves upon a new situation. A new role at work, a new subject to study at school or college, a new country to explore backpacking across, are all examples of this self-enforced mechanism that helps expand our horizons.

It may not necessarily be a successful outcome for us in all cases. We may fail in the new subject, or in the new role, or may not be able to adjust in the new place. But it does give us an experience. For life.

These experiences, in my opinion, are what make us who we are. Constantly throughout our life. Irrespective of what they entail or leave behind.

There’s definitely value in familiarity and we all know it. But there’s also value in seeking out challenges and changes. The more we mix the two, the better the outcomes for us I believe!

World building

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I have always marvelled at the way in which writers build a world. Something that the consumer of that story can read or watch or listen to, and get fascinated by.

However I didn’t know how hard it is to do so. Until this year when I started going deeper into the subject.

Well, I got a glimpse of it when I wrote a few short stories last year. Or as I read through some broad-canvassed fiction like the Lord of the Rings (which by the way was portrayed very well with multiple nuances in the films)!

But I hadn’t imagined the difficulty yet.

Since the beginning of the year, I have been working with my dad to translate my grandfather’s magnum opus that we recently published in the original form. It is written in verse in Hindi and Sanskrit, so I have taken it upon myself to translate it in English and make it available to a wider audience.

As I have ventured on that path, and am reading through the original script in detail, I sometimes sit back and wonder. About how my grandfather managed to write such eloquent and detailed a book about something so commonly known in Indian mythology. And about my own ability to bring it out in my adaptation.

It is hard to imagine. And to put that imagination into words. Words that make a story look real and relatable.

Kudos to writers who do this well. In fact, most of the famous books ride on this world building. The reader feels immersed in the alternate universe that’s created in the pages. And that’s what beholds people to that literary work. Same is true for any art form which leave a lasting impression upon us.

As I reflected deeply on this aspect this past week, I realised that we all have similar opportunities in our daily lives.

Apart from being consumers of content, we are also producers of some other content in our daily lives. It might be some document or presentation at work, some work assigned from our college or school, or even in our daily lives when we talk to our children and narrate them stories.

We have an opportunity to build something that can be as immersive or interesting as the books we read or the films we watch. However, we don’t do that most of the times…

We rather focus on the here and now to get things done. To submit on time. To finish within the deadline. To get done and move on.

What if we changed our focus to doing what’s on our hands in the best way possible? Where the person who looks at our work can relate to it and go back with a feeling of having come across something beautifully done.

Perhaps the key is to think of it as a story revolving around us and how the details give out how we perceive our world or the one around us…

Weighty Issues

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Most of us don’t recognize that our weight is important. Well, literally our body weight, not the other kinds that we tend to display in different environments!

And yet, when we aren’t doing well and our weight drops significantly or increases rapidly (more common use-case!), we feel awful. Most of us, I mean.

Not because it is a sign of we losing grip on our own life. That anyways is lost with all the mayhem around us on an everyday basis.

But because we start noticing how smaller things start becoming annoying. Like clothes that used to fit, don’t fit in well suddenly. Or we cannot walk or run for the same distances or at the same pace. Or we develop other side effects, be it in the form of some disease or temporary condition.

These are those weighty issues in life that tend to be ignored or not given due importance, until it isn’t possible to do so anymore.

And yet, we don’t really recognize when these weighty issues start. We believe these issues will never impact us as much as they impact others. Because, we believe we are in control of our weight always.

I discovered recently that it is not always the case. We lose control, at times totally randomly. I definitely lost.

I have always vouched for maintaining a healthy regime. Exercising regularly, although different kinds of activities as per my mood. Eating with adequate restraint, ensuring I don’t over indulge myself. And taking care of my health on a general basis by keeping a track record of how I am doing.

Then suddenly, we shifted countries six months back. The routine I had in India went for a toss and I had to adapt myself to a new routine.

Where I had the morning to myself, reserved for exercising, I now had to give way to calls with colleagues in other geographies. Where I was used to eating a balanced diet, I unknowingly gave way to eating more food, and a good amount of it with high calories. And where I was used to a temperate climate, I suddenly had the Bay Area winds and chill to contend with.

It wasn’t that I stopped exercising or eating right. I tried to do as much as I could. But I underestimated the impact of the shift. It played with my weight.

It also wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed these changes or ignored them. I knew the impact and half-heartedly tried to take matters in my hands. But it was already late. The couple of months of abuse had already taken a toll on my weight, which sprang up by almost 10%.

As I started noticing the weighty issues, I realized I had lost the game in the middle overs. My clothes suddenly became tighter, my running and walking pace dropped, and my vitals weren’t up to the mark in the latest medical report.

It struck me suddenly when I was talking to a few colleagues. I realized, I had myself to blame to let this pass by and had to act now. I made a resolve to myself to get cracking at the problem immediately.

It has been two weeks since I re-started my healthy regime. Daily exercise, healthy eating with limited portions, and tracking everything rigorously. And some early results are encouraging, with my body weight already dropping by about 20% from its peak.

Let’s see how things go in the next few weeks, with more travel on the cards and a visit home. Hopefully, I will continue to stick to my healthier regime and get back to my normal weight…