Author: Rishi

The spirit

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

A cold but sunny January morning greeted the girl as she peeped out of the window of the hospital.

She had been at the hospital for a couple of months now. What had seemed like a minor accident had ended up damaging both her eyes badly. The doctors had painstakingly operated her and the nursing staff had looked after her with a lot of care.

It was a day of reckoning for her. She had needed rehabilitation so that she could re-learn things and get back into the world but with a heavily blurred eyesight.Today was the day when she was going to start demonstrating her learning to her tutor.

She felt a shiver down her spine at the thought of being without her good sight in the big mad world. It was as if something natural was no longer a part of her, as if she had been robbed of her identity.

And yet, she had resolved in her mind that even though she had gone through this misfortune, she wouldn’t let this stop her life. She would re-learn and find a new place for herself.

She went through her morning motions and got ready right on time for the demonstration. Her tutor was there and she took her out of the ward and into the nearby park.

For the first time, the girl was out in the open after her accident. She had so much wanted to see what was outside the hospital. The only thing she could do now though was to experience the sounds and smell of nature. The park in front of her was a blur.

The teacher made her sit down at a bench and then gave her instructions. She was supposed to get up, cross the street, and climb the stairs to reach the hospital reception. Post that she was supposed to get to the canteen for a cup of coffee.

She got up, confident about one thing – that she will give it her best shot.

As she was about to take her first steps, a voice inside her head called out to her, stopping her from doing that. She brushed it aside and started walking.

While she was crossing the road, her mind told her to stop and turn back and just be in the park. She somehow managed to overcome that feeling and with her walking stick, guided herself across.

Then, as she was climbing up the stairs, she slipped and fell down. For a moment the world stopped. She was aware, people around her were watching her. She couldn’t see them clearly but she could feel their gaze on her. Someone would surely step forward to help her.

But she had come alone thus far. And nothing could stop her now. She scolded the voice inside the head and got up, dusted herself and strode forward, not waiting for any help.

Once atop the stairs, she moved to the reception using the signs indicated on the walls by touching and feeling her way. This was all new to her. Her former self would have thought nothing of this effort. Her new self appreciated the hardships those without sight had to go through on an everyday basis.

After a few more minutes of this new labour, she reached the canteen, ordered her coffee, and had sat down at a table. As the waiter got her coffee and she started sipping the cuppa, she smiled to herself. The coffee had never tasted so good.

She had taken a small step toward reintegrating with the world around her. It was however a giant one. She had proven to herself that she could do whatever she set her mind to.

And that was enough to go on…

Parents

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The most demanding and most satisfying job in the world. That’s how I would describe parenting!

This week, as I went through the motions, this theme recurred time and again. And it made me appreciate what we do and the importance of it all over again.

The first instance was a random discussion with a couple of colleagues. We recalled ourselves growing up. Our parents were strict, frugal, and demanding. But on the other hand, they cared, loved, and nurtured us continuously. We didn’t realize it then, but they shaped us into someone who could go on and find their place in the world.

At that time, it did seem to most of us that we were at the receiving end of our parents. Too many restrictions, too many rules, heavy focus on being upright. A bit of a stretch to say, but we felt as if we were being constrained in many ways. And yet, that taught us the value of many a things. Values which we need to pass on to our kids. Yet,

How do we exercise controls and help build values, knowing fully well that we’re constraining our kids for their own good?

The second instance was an observation with our daughter. She spent a lot of time preparing a card, a booklet, and a gift bag for wifey on mothers day. She had written some wonderful things there and showcased some of her drawing and art skills. But as I read through the booklet, I saw how we have been helping her growth and yet falling short.

Now, I definitely feel that we have become much more pally with our children and have given them more freedom to do things. And that’s helping them make their own choices. But at the same time, I also think we have been shielding her from the world by being too careful.

I remember our parents weren’t so bothered about where we were all the time. Yes, times have changed and it’s become more riskier for kids to be out and about on their own. But I feel we have gone too much to the other side now, which is hurting her growth. And we need to do something about it! So,

How do we provide for various experiences for our kids in a dynamic world and yet ensure a good, wholesome upbringing?

The third instance was a post by a friend, where he wished his mother but also thanked his father. Both of them had played an equal part in his success. As I read through, I realized that it was always this balance that helped shape me. It may not have been possible otherwise.

Not that single parents cannot function at the same level. But even on our best days, it is hard to play a single role. Playing a double role through your life is incredibly difficult and something I wouldn’t wish for anyone.

Coming back, this is something that we don’t appreciate enough. How to play the yin to the yang, the apprentice to the master, the carrot to the stick. For, that balance is what creates different experiences and approaches for the child to learn from and grow. Therefore,

How do we ensure that we can complement our better halves and provide a balance that’s needed to nurture our children?

If you look at the three questions I pose above (in bold), these are all difficult ones. There are many more such demanding questions that we face as parents on an everyday basis.

And yet, we continue to do our best and the most we can in all circumstances. Doing what we think is right for our kids. And taking pride in helping them grow, feeling satisfied in the progress they and we are making…

Regrets and Gratitude

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I often come across people who ask me questions around regrets.

Do I regret that I couldn’t continue in the Army and had to come out because of a medical injury?

Do I regret that my business luck didn’t work and I had to move back to a job?

Do I regret that those moments happened in my life? Yes, absolutely there’s regret. I will be feigning if I said I don’t regret. If I could have done something differently or been in another place another time.

But that regret has reduced. Specially as years have progressed!

Because, while those failures or mishaps did leave me in a lurch, they also taught me a lot. That realisation has only grown stronger with each passing year.

Yesterday, while taking a walk in the neighbourhood, I was thinking about what I missed in those years when I was trying to run my own business and it didn’t work out. What did I lose?

Of course, I lost monetarily. I could have earned some more money. I lost some hair on my head. Which is not a non-guaranteed outcome elsewhere. I lost some years in the corporate race. As if it really matters.

As I thought about these things, I realised that I have been more than compensated for these losses in the years since (if you don’t consider hair fall to be one really!).

I learnt so many things that I wouldn’t have in a job. I got to do so many new things I hadn’t done ever. And more than anything else, those days opened my vistas and my outlook towards life.

Moreover, I realised life has in some way helped me recoup the self-perceived losses. I am not worse off in any sense because of that lost time.

This made me think – we live our life with regrets. About not having done something or achieved something. What if we flipped it and instead be grateful for what we are experiencing and learning. And how it helps us in the larger scheme of things.

After all, what are a few years when compared to decades of life that most of us experience!

Life’s Direction

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Struck by an unfortunate event in the extended family, I spent much of my time this weekend ruminating on life and what I want out of it.

As I delved into my past and my learnings from my mistakes, as well as my aspirations for the future, I realized that a lot of times we get our priorities wrong. Not that it is intentional or ill natured.

Think for one instance about what most of us want to do in terms of work. We want to have a good work life, feeling happy and satisfied about what we are doing in terms of work or our contribution. But then many among us remain disillusioned or unsatisfied from their work but continue to do the exact same thing for long years. Not because we couldn’t get an opportunity to try out things that may give us higher satisfaction but because trying something new is riskier than what we do in their day jobs.

Or take for instance how we value family much above other things in general. Most of us live to provide for it. But often we get so embroiled in work and other things that life has to offer, that we forget our families or do not take out enough time for them.

Relationships is another classic one. We love to be in one and it’s often a great start. Slowly however, we start taking it for granted and neglect each other unknowingly. Result: we feel the pain in different ways and remain unhappy.

Consider health. We swear by it and make every possible resolution. But then we go on without exercising for days altogether. We neglect healthy food and binge whatever we crave for. Ending up with some lifestyle disease that we could have avoided. And then spend our life trying to control our urges.

How do we go about making decisions that affect our life and then remain noncommittal to them? Why does it happen to us?

I think we do it not out of compulsion but sub-consciously choose paths or do things that don’t match with what we want out of life. And that’s how these divergences occur. By the time we realize it and can take action, it’s often late or we are bound in a corner.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the key to being happy then is to be conscious of our decisions and re-evaluate what we are doing to keep our end of the bargain. If the goal is important to us, we should be able to plan around it. At any point in time.

If we keep on assessing whether we really still want to head in the direction we wanted to move in, it will help keep our head straight. For if the answer is no at any point of time, it’s better to change things then, rather than holding onto a false pretense.

The theory of sunk costs doesn’t always work and can sometimes be a fallacy…

Loss

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a gloomy day with no harbinger of hope. The lady, middle aged in her appearance and demeanor, stood near the door.

The door of their home. With eyes longing to see him turn back and return to where he belonged.

But those feet took him further away with each passing second. His mind frozen, he had resolutely moved ahead.

As she saw the van pull away, she wiped her tears and went back inside. The house was empty. There was no one there.

They had no kids. Not many friends either. They had been in the same area for a few years but didn’t have any family there.

She sat down in the armchair near the window and looked out. It must have been a couple of hours, for next she heard the call for the daily prayer from the nearby temple.

The next few days were a blur. She carried on with her life, utterly sad. For what was hers had been taken away. A part of her identity was lost.

How she wished she had done something with this aspect of their life in all those years when they were caught up in working hard to make their life better.

As she continued to reflect in the aftermath of the mishap, she realised it was a gradual fall into the abyss.

With both of them busy with work and life, they never took time out for themselves. In fact, they never took time out for anything. Frequent work pressure and the eagerness to excel pushed them toward even more work. They had no time for each other in that rigmarole.

She had thought that after they had earned enough they will have more time together. But that milestone never arrived.

Now finally, when he was gone, she felt a void. And remorse.

Nothing could be done now. He was gone. From this world. After all those years of neglect, life had caught on with him and decided to take its toll in the form of his death.

Only if they could have spent more time together when they were younger… Perhaps if they could have defined ‘enough’ and then taken a backseat… Or maybe they should have taken better care of themselves…

It was however very late now!

“Cousins”

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The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

The Creator’s Pride

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I often get asked two things. Why do you write and how do you find time to do it…

The answer is always the same – because I find joy in it and finding time for something which gives one joy isn’t a problem ever.

But there’s a hidden reason also there. I write because I want to continue creating what I do. In the hope that I create something better some day.

Some even wonder who I write for – my target reader. Honestly, I don’t have one. For I find it beyond my intelligence to predict who will like what.

There have been times when I have created something which I thought was pretty darn impressive and not many people read it. And there have been instances when what I thought was average stuff has got more readership.

What I do want to acknowledge though is that I write because of a creator’s pride. Pride in creating something that is experienced by others in their own ways. Pride in being able to do what I do for my own sake.

Today, as I sat through a couple of exceptionally produced shows in Disney’s Animal Kingdom and then experienced the magic that the park had to offer, I was blown away by the creativity of those artists. It was a humbling experience.

While it was a day extremely well spent, what I also realised was that those artists or performers or whom I call creators, created what they have with pride. And it showed.

We often come across experiences that we like when we watch / read / hear / experience something. We wonder at those creators and marvel at their imagination.

What we miss is that they must have done it with a lot of apprehension. With an unknown amount of expectation about how it will be received. Not because they are necessarily seeking validation or praise but because they genuinely don’t know the outcome.

And still they choose to create. For the sake of their pride. For the fun they have in doing it. For the satisfaction they derive from it.

It is definitely a learning for us to then continue creating. Whatever we do. Because the crux of realising the beauty about creation is in the process of continuing with it…

Cravings

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2009, Singapore. A bunch of us, together in the MBA program, were discussing about good options for having Indian food.

Someone in the group suggested we try out a restaurant called ‘Annapurna’. It literally means the goddess of food in Hindu culture. The place offered a buffet and trusting the reviews we got from a couple of other friends, we headed downtown.

It turned out to be just the place we were looking for. Craving for good Indian food, we had found a gem. Needless to say, over the next few months we visited the restaurant quite a few times. Every time we craved for Indian food and even when we didn’t.

2018, Bangalore. I had been in the city for a few years and had been used to the piping hot idlis, crisp dosas and filter coffee that the many darshinis (fast food restaurants) had to offer.

Then, someone suggested ‘Taaza Thindi’ in Jayanagar. I had never been there. But again based on online reviews decided to try it. And it turned out to be a revelation. Ever since, we went there at least once a month to satisfy our cravings.

Craving for an ice cream today, I remembered these instances and they instantly bought a smile to my face…

I am sure all of us have similar stories. Where we found something that appealed to our senses and the craving for that experience led us to the same place multiple times.

What’s interesting to note though is that it is very difficult for something to appeal to us in a fashion that it draws us time and again. Out of the many places we have been to, only a few really earn a recall or even compel us to visit again.

I may be speaking from a short-sighted stance but it is almost always a place or thing which has character (age-old traditional one, new-age but very differentiated), or has a unique offering done right that we can’t find anywhere else. Because only when we associate with that character or uniqueness is when we crave for more of that experience.

I may be talking about food here but the same can apply for other things as well.

Interesting, because when we build something, we never think about this aspect deeply. In most cases, we try and conform to the trends – to what others are doing, or what they want, or what we see elsewhere.

What if instead, we started with a focus on differentiating ourselves in terms of what we stand for and how we do things. And then continue to do it day in and day out. Until we gain mastery over it and it becomes second nature. Enough to compel others to be drawn to our work – be it cooking, writing, or what we do in our day jobs!

“Fear”

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We always want to succeed. But we often fail. Why does that happen? And what does it consciously or sub-consciously teach us?

These questions swirled in my mind as I was watching my daughter yesterday evening.

She was fearlessly trying gymnastic routines that she has been learning. Without the fear of falling or getting hurt. As I saw that, I recalled my own younger self playing with cousins, jumping on the ground from low heights, fearlessly oblivious to any potential hurt.

The kind of things that we did as kids! Without giving it a second thought. Without worrying about the consequences of a move gone wrong.

Most importantly, without fear of what would happen!

We used to say, let’s try. And if we failed, we just got up, dusted ourselves off, and probably had a go at it again. Until either we mastered the swashbuckling move we were trying, or were warned off by someone elder to us.

We wouldn’t stop and analyze what went wrong for a long time. We wouldn’t think about quitting because we didn’t succeed the first time. We wouldn’t give up so easily just because we didn’t know enough.

But now, as a grown up, we do that often.

We balk at the unknown all the time. We make calculated moves because we think it’s not worth risking things. We limit ourselves because we don’t want to stand out, we want to blend in.

And yet, we are none the wiser. We are far more conservative in our approaches, often short-sighted, and at times frustrated about our limitations.

Well, life happened and we faced enough failures through our journey that we started fearing a lot of things. We started obsessing about what shouldn’t go wrong. And what we shouldn’t do.

What if we keep that experience aside and instead adopt the approach we took in our childhood?

Go at things unhindered, without the fear of failure. Without the fear of “what if”. Without the fear of embarrassment. And without stopping when we meet obstacles or when our plans don’t go as we wanted them to.

Without wanting to succeed at all costs.

I believe we will do ourselves a world of good. And to those around us. By challenging ourselves and others, we will unearth more within us.

For what is life, if we don’t try enough…

Hitting Pause

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It was December 2012. I had been working non-stop to grow my business for the last two years.

That meant always being switched on. Constantly on the move. Travel, untimely meals, late night meetings, the works.

Result – I got swamped out by a bacterial infection that meant I couldn’t eat normal food for a couple of months. Only semi-solids. Sounds yuck!

But that was the cost of me not listening to my body. Me not realizing that I had to pause and take a breather. Me not realizing that there’s more to success than just constant work.

The reason I bring up this incident, is because during a routine work timing conversation with a cousin yesterday, I realized that a lot of us make this mistake time and again.

Why don’t we take enough breaks? Why do we continue to chug along, resulting in a burnout?

This could be a topic worthy of a doctorate. I am sure some research would already have proven this fair and square.

I mean, we all read about this everywhere. How to attain work-life balance has never been a more hotly contested topic than after the pandemic. Yet, here we are in 2023 and the number of people going to the hospital as a result of burn-outs is only growing.

Then, as I thought more I started looking at my own behavior and patterns. Could there be something discernible there?

As I looked deeper, I realized that I had myself made this mistake many a times. In 2007, 2012, 2016, 2019, and as recently as in 2022.

Interestingly, each time I convinced myself that it wasn’t something wrong. I was just trying to do my best and didn’t realize when things got out of hand.

But I was wrong each time. I did hear some signals from my body or my mind. I did go through an instance or two of thinking about slowing down. Of hitting pause and taking a break. But I continued because if not for me, who else would be able to do it.

That’s the crux of why we all get carried away with this self-inflicted harm. We think we are the most important person in the larger scheme of things. That we are indispensable. That we cannot stop lest we play the spoilsport.

And lead ourselves into that downward pit from where the only way up is to pause and turn back to get back on ground.

If only we could have taken a break and then picked up things with much more vigor that could last us a while longer…

Is the answer then to not stretch oneself? No. I wouldn’t want to do it or expect it of others around me. But I would definitely want to be conscious of my own limits and identify where I shouldn’t stretch. Where does my limit stretch to.

Hopefully with practice, I will be able to identify and draw that boundary for myself and continue to expand it. And yet, keep an eye on it, so that I don’t unhinge myself from the center while trying to create a bigger circle every time or in running more laps!