Author: Rishi

Rewinding the clock

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It all began a decade ago. I was holding you in my arms for the first time.

It was such an overwhelming moment for me that I couldn’t help but cry. To memorialize that moment, I even wrote down a post.

This year, you turn 10! You arenow on the cusp of teenage.

These ten years seem to have gone by with a lot of fun and emotional moments with you, but also a few filled with guilt and remorse.

There have been times when we have wondered when will you grow up. And then a lot of times when we realize that once you grow up, we will miss the days we have lived through your childhood.

At this decadal juncture, I thought it’s a good milestone for me to reflect back on how I have done as a parent. And what would I do differently if I went back ten years. So, here are some things I would like to change.

I should have been more expressive. About my love for you. I say it often but not enough times. I have subconsciously thought of it as an evident phenomenon but it needs to be reinforced more than I think.

I should have been more patient. With you. And with myself. There have been times my impatience has led me to actions that I have instantly regretted. An angry moment, an unnecessary scolding. Some of those could have definitely been avoided.

I should have been more sensitive. In trying to get you to be disciplined, I have sometimes jumped the gun and forced the matter. I should have handled those moments with a lot more maturity.

I should have assumed more ignorance. Even on things I know enough about. Because, the joy of discovery and exploration is unbridled. And I, as your father, ought to nurture it at all times and give you more chances than I probably gave.

I should have been more specific. About my intentions in a given situation. Sometimes, I have come across as overbearing, without realizing that my intention isn’t clear to you and instead, has hurt or irritated you.

There are many more, I am sure.

Although the time that’s gone by, won’t return. Those deeds and memories I can never forget. But the times to come, can change.

So, dear daughter, when you do read this, now or later, remember that your dad is trying his best to be good at this parenting stuff. It’s my first time doing this.

What I ask of you is to hold me to these commitments for the next ten years. And the next, and the next…

Shape of You

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Juhi was sitting down at her desk. Perplexed.

She had just got out of a meeting with her boss. It was an important meeting because she wanted to flag certain risks and issues in the project she was overseeing.

She had been in the company for a while. After having graduated from a prestigious college in the capital, she had taken to her career like fish to water.

Having shown strong work ethics and commitment, the company had seen her potential and given her a couple of promotions and responsibilities. She was now a project leader.

Juhi knew that as a senior member, she had the onus of not only overseeing her team but also analyse how things were and if they were in the right direction.

Today’s discussion was exactly that. She trying to flag risks and issues she foresaw after her client pushed her back on certain details of the project, and which she believed ought to be addressed. She had discussed the situation with her mentor, and he had given her confirmation that she was on the right track.

So, she had walked in to the meeting with a lot of confidence. However, her boss wasn’t sure if there was merit in her position. He told her that he had seen some of these requests before and if the client wanted something so strongly, it was better to agree and move ahead.

After arguing for an hour on the relative merit of their respective positions, she knew that there was no point in continuing further, so she told her boss that she will think through what he had shared.

Once outside, she ambled toward her seat. She was perplexed because she knew her boss to be a tough nut but also mostly right. However, she read his reluctance to go against what the client was advising as fear of losing the project.

She didn’t know what she could do now. This was a first. Just then, a couple of her team members came up, and she decided to put off her thoughts. The rest of the day went by as usual, and she couldn’t find any time to delve deeper into her previous thoughts during the day.

Later in the night, as she lay down to sleep, her thoughts went back to her growing up years. During her high school days, she was in the Girls Scout, and was a regular at the camps.

In one such camp, she was a part of a group that had to play the role of an advanced party. During their descent from a hill, she had sensed danger and advised her group to take a different route. Although there was some reluctance, she hadn’t given up and instead used logical arguments through her map reading skills to convince her group.

Eventually, her sense had proven right, as there had been rain just the night before in a dangerous section of the descent and the original route had become very challenging for another party. She had been judged a high performer due to this contribution to her group’s success.

That single recollection gave Juhi confidence. She had been shaped by such experiences and she wasn’t going to let her gut be ruled out. She knew she was not wrong and her position merited caution. She decided she will push back.

The next couple of days, she spent time framing her thoughts. She consulted once more with her mentor about the approach being taken, and got a positive sign. She was all set.

She wrote a persuasive email to the client, copying his boss too. She also copied her boss and her team. In the email, she laid out her thoughts with initial hypothesis and requested everyone to consider both sides of the coin. She volunteered to run a detailed analysis of various possibilities, and accepted an independent review.

She half expected a push back again. But the way she had written it down, there wasn’t a single person who could turn down the request. They granted it to her to investigate.

A month later, she had the final report, reviewed and decided upon. Her hypothesis had proven right and the client had to back off the initial requests.

That evening, her boss congratulated her in front of her team, acknowledging how wrong he had been and how right Juhi had been.

She had shown her character during this challenge and it was indeed because of how she had been shaped…

Connecting the dots.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Steve Jobs famously mentioned these words during his address to a graduating class at Stanford.

Watching him orate his experiences and how they helped him in his life have been an inspiration for me.

Primarily because it spoke of how nothing in life is ever wasted. Even a small experience can at some point in time light a spark to take things forward!

As time has passed, I have also come to appreciate that all of us are wired differently and connect dots differently. So even though we may have shared experiences with others, the way we perceive and recall them are different.

This weekend, as I took a couple of days off and spent time reflecting on a few things, I realised this point again.

I was thinking of the various things I have done in my life till this point. And which of those have given me joy, made me learn, and pushed me forward.

Sifting through those memories, I could see some of them connected with each other in ways I had not thought of before.

Maybe, my perspective has matured. Or changed. Or perhaps, it’s just that those dots weren’t connected before in my mind, but now are.

Anyways, I am happy to have connected those dots. For they spoke of paths I am uniquely privileged to have been on.

As I reflected back on this time spent in solitude, I couldn’t have chosen a better time. I had not done this over the past couple of years and needed this reconnection with self.

Not to mention, the calm around me also helped heal the general overload from always ‘doing’ something…

The Tangential Line

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

A line is one of the most basic shapes in our life. And it’s straight.

Last I checked, straight still remains the shortest path between two points.

And yet, there’s this macabre pleasure people get in real life of forming lines which are tangential or don’t follow the rules of geometry.

As if, that tangent is an art form in itself. And the waviness of the line makes it more appealing!Sort of like , I will do this because I can.

But what about folks like me who like it straight?

I thought this phenomenon was restricted to India and parts of the developing world. But boy, was I wrong. Under duress, most people break! The line…

At Paris airport last weekend, I witnessed this first hand.

With a highly confusing design, the Paris airport is a study in itself. Transiting through it for the first time, I had expected it to be better organized. It wasn’t is an understatement.

Owing to multiple pathways and too many checkpoints, I saw people breaking lines everywhere. At the terminal interchange, at the passport control, at the bus boarding lines, and at the security gates.

Having to scamper through the length of the airport, within the short time span I had to catch my connecting flight back home, I first thought I will follow the rules as everyone does and will get through fast enough.

By the time I realized that wasn’t to be, there were already ten people who had overtaken me in trying to gain faster access. I had to cajole and request some of the airport staff, to make it just in time for my flight!

As I settled down into my seat, and relived my hour at the interchange, I heaved a sigh of relief. I was trained enough in the vagaries of India to find my way through that chaos.

Fresh from this dramatic experience, over this weekend, as we went to watch a movie, looking around, I felt that I needed those same instincts to get my tub of popcorn.

Thankfully, my straight common sense prevailed and I saved myself from going tangential…

Don’t let it be!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Ketan was sitting down in the balcony. Lost in his own thoughts.

His face was visibly unhappy and he was frowning every now and then. It appeared that he was alone.

At this age of his life, he was mostly homebound. That morning, his wife had gone to meet her friends and so he had no one to share the moment with.

Not that he didn’t like to go out. He went for his morning walks and for some other errands. But he didn’t like to go out during the busy hours, when everyone was rushing out.

He had lived his life and had retired to be in a peaceful state of mind. The last thing he wanted was to go out in the traffic when not in a good state of mind. So, he kept sitting and thinking.

About his kids, who were now in different cities and busy with their own lives. About his siblings, who had also retired in different towns and met only during some marriages or family functions. How there weren’t many friends around him.

This was the reason for his sadness. He was feeling lonely…

When he was working, he always thought he would have all the time in the world to do other things later on. Then, as he kept rising up the ladder, his life only became busier.

Before he could realise, he had lost touch with most folks from his home town. His friends. His extended family.

Then, when he retired, he had nowhere else to go. So, he remained in the place he had been in the last part of his working life. It was a good town, with warm people and some good friends. The only thing it lacked was folks from Ketan’s past.

As he sat in the balcony that day, he understood that the real reason for his sadness was that he was missing his old connections. After much brooding, he decided to change that.

He got up. Mustering courage, he called up his siblings. And promised to himself that he would talk to them more often.

Next, he called some of his old friends. They had a hearty laugh and he felt better. And he promised to himself that he would visit them at least once a year.

Lastly, he called his kids. He talked to them more often than everyone else, but told them that he would like to spend more time with them. They were obviously happy, and he promised to himself that he will book his tickets soon.

With all these promises made, he never realised it was evening. The bell rang. His wife was home.

He got up, opened the door, and before she could enter, hugged her tightly. For, she was there with him always, his constant companion! And he had promised to himself to take good care of her!

No Hangups

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is so easy to say this. But so difficult to process and practice!

We adults struggle with this most of our life. There’s always something that bothers us so much that we get hung up about it.

Children, on the other hand, are amazing! They somehow have this gift of letting go. And not holding onto feelings for long.

They teach us so much…

This last week, there were a couple of instances which literally opened my eyes.

My nephew has been around our place for a month. Just six years old, the boy has had to contend with me, the disciplinarian. And while that’s not been easy, he has displayed good character being away from his parents.

One of the days, he got a good scolding from me. His natural reaction was to cry, and even after consoling him, he didn’t feel like talking to me. Eventually, he slept off without a chat.

I was feeling quite bad about it. I could have gone soft that one time. Or I could have tried harder to normalise the situation. Because he slept off without talking, I couldn’t sleep well.

The next morning, I woke up and he came over. I thought he would still be sad about the previous night. But he was absolutely normal!

I couldn’t believe it. But for him, it was as if nothing had happened. Or it was something he had taken in his stride and moved on.

I could not have…

In another instance, I saw my daughter getting distraught at him for something. She was pretty miffed and it seemed they wouldn’t play together that day. But after an hour, things had normalised and they were back to their usual selves.

As I reflected on this behavior, I realized that kids just live in the moment. Neither do they harbour any ill feelings, nor do they think too much about the past. It is we who teach them to do so.

Only to regret later that they should have remained the same all their life…

Content and Happy

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Seems a rarity! Specially, in today’s world.

This week, during a lunch time conversation with colleagues, we ended up talking about how our parents’ generation behaves. There was an interesting observation about how most of our parents are not as enamored by money as we seem to be. Still, they are quite content with what they have and are happy about their place in life.

Then, I watched a couple of movies where, the theme of struggle played out. How, even though everyone has some or the other struggle, only a few of us find happiness in that journey. And how happiness is what liberates us from feeling as if we are in a struggle.

These two aspects are in some ways related. Contentment leads to happiness, and when we feel happy we generally feel more content.

As I thought about these dense topics, I realized that there is no easy answer.

We all appreciate what contentment and happiness looks like and feels like. We have examples in front of us, in our families or known circles. We too want it for ourselves.

On the other hand, we also know that we are trapped in the vagaries of life. We go through different kinds of struggles. We try our best but also fail in our endeavors sometimes.

So, if we understand what contentment and happiness can do for us, why is it that we still end up being discontent and unhappy? Or is it usual that our goal posts shift once we get to the point we were aiming for?

Should we just strive for that ultimate feeling? Or should we enjoy those micro moments when we get that fleeting sense?

Perhaps, it is a mixture. We try finding contentment and happiness always but experience it sometimes. We come out on top from a struggle and feel good about ourselves, to be shown the floor the next time.

Maybe, that’s what life is. Jostling between what we want and what we have; oscillating between these feelings. Or maybe, there is an unrevealed mantra to seek contentment and happiness forever.

What I am sure of is it doesn’t lie in just the hustle. It is at the intersection of purpose and effort, combined with self-awareness of having found the way out through that maze called life!

Narratives

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

“A spoken or written account of connected events”.

It’s what we tell ourselves and sell to the outside world. It’s how we are viewed or perceived. It’s how we co-opt ourselves into the world we want to be a part of.

It’s, however, an often misused and misunderstood term!

Last few weeks, these thoughts kept coming back to me. Only because I started paying more attention to how people around me are coming across. Including myself.

What I noticed was conflicting. Both for myself and for others.

We often try to come across as someone we are not. Or we build a story around ourselves to suit what we want to tell.

What if, instead, we chose to be our authentic selves? Would people around us stop accepting us?

And if so, are those the right people to be around us? Or are we merely the product of our choices and limited by what we already chose?

As these thoughts ran in my subconsciousness, I reflected back on my own behavior and choices. What I found wasn’t surprising.

When I chose to be my authentic self, I grew the most and was the happiest. The friendships I built in those days are strong. The bonds I cemented have lasted the test of time.

In those periods or moments when I waivered to subscribe to a narrative I didn’t feel natural with, I suffered. My relationships and friendships suffered too. That suffering wasn’t however evident to me while in that moment.

The funny thing is, even though I know this, it is difficult to not fall into that trap again. As a social animal, I am bound to get influenced. And bound to get disappointed again.

Maybe, the trick is to break the fall by doing a reality check frequently. Or when the narrative is changing.

Who said breaking the pattern is easy!!!

Values and Principles

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

…and the price we must pay for them.

Didn’t want to end up with such a big title but that’s what this post is about.

Most of us have some values and principles that we hold dear and are ready to go to any lengths to uphold. Yet, many a times, we don’t realize that there is a price to it, something we may need to pay for.

Today morning, I was faced with a similar situation at home. Having decided that I will stick with the principle I held important, I had to then forgo my morning sleep to finish some household work.

At first, I was irritated. I had stretched the previous night, watching a movie. And had plans to sleep till slightly later in the day. But as the principle was dear, I got up.

Then, as I was going through the motions and getting the work done, it sink in that I was doing this out of choice and not because of a compulsion. I could have chosen to step back from my principle and taken the easy route. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to.

As that feeling sunk in, it actually made me feel much better than I had anticipated. Suddenly, I started seeing the brighter side of life and decided to make the most of the day.

I spent time finishing my exercise routine in the morning, had some good conversations at home while eating, read up on a few pending articles that had been open on my iPad for a while, thought about a new story idea to pursue, and found time to play a board game.

As the day is drawing to a close, I have a feeling of having accomplished something.

Of having turned around the situation which had started with a negative thought into a positive day and outcome for me and the family.

Of having spent time doing things which made me happy. And thinking through on a couple of nice ideas.

And above all, of having stood by my principle and then taking care of the fallout without any fuss.

There are only some days like this and they come about once in a while but leave us enriched for a longer time!

Backseat Driving

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s surprisingly vicarious! Does it help, though?

I have been driving around for all my adult life. As soon as I turned 18, with the help of my dad, I learnt to drive a car.

It was fascinating. To drive around and control a machine as sophisticated as a car. Something more than 2 wheels.

With time, I became more and more adept at it. I drove for long stretches and started appreciating the mechanics of good driving vs bad.

Over the years, this skill has only honed, what with the massive increase in the magnitude of traffic in Bangalore.

However, owing to family’s (read my wife’s) suggestion, we now also have a driver. For everyday commutes to our offices and other errands.

It is actually relaxing to not grapple with traffic every day during the rush hour. It’s also frustrating, with the natural tendencies I have as a driver.

Often times, when I am not caught up in my thoughts or doing something else, my eyes are on the road and judging how the driver is driving. Many a times, I offer him suggestions from the backseat.

Surely, not a great way to delegate work. Poor chap, he takes it mostly without any objection. Perhaps, he doesn’t want to show his displeasure at my behaviour?

Having noticed this for a while, I am actively trying to curb it. Letting him drive, focusing on utilizing my time sitting idle.

But it’s not easy. I have to make an effort. Trusting him to do his job. Well. Not offering any suggestions until asked for guidance.

And when there’s an urge, learning to suppress it for the sake of my own peace of mind. Instead, observing and learning from what others around me do, so that I can do better when I am behind the wheel.

But old habits die hard. Today morning, tossing the keys to my wife, as I sat besides her, I resolved not to do much.

As you can guess, five minutes into the drive, I had heard a couple of stern warnings to be a good passenger…