Author: Rishi

Frustrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

They are difficult. They take a lot out of you.

They are also very engaging. And can keep you occupied, thinking about related stuff and going down a rabbit hole.

They are however, also a source of motivation. To do things differently. And try something new.

This past week, I went through all these stages…

As I felt the weight of frustration tugging at my heart and mind, it felt like I got stopped in the tracks.

The frustration had been building for a while. I had seen signs of it in between but I kept going, disregarding those signs. Or rather telling myself that it will get resolved on its own.

What I didn’t realize was that the underlying reasons for the frustration weren’t going away. And with time, they only became more pronounced.

When the feeling hit me, it took me a while to digest the situation I was in. It was as if I was stuck in a maze while trying to find my way out.

This wasn’t the first time I was going through such an experience. But even then, each time is different. And the initial thoughts are always muddled.

As if on cue, my mind took it upon itself to remind me of all the past signs that I had seen but ignored. I kept going back in time and thinking about all related things.

It was only after a couple of days of being in that zone, did I get to unraveling the sources of the frustration. That too after realizing that there was no point in wallowing in the past and it was better to figure out how to move ahead.

However, I first had to fight with my mind to stop going into the past and instead help me weigh my options and path forward. It wasn’t easy but somehow, having done this before, I was able to get my mind to agree.

Then came a long process to map out possibilities and what would work best for me. And then sharing it all with my wife to help me understand if my thoughts are in the right direction.

This entire week went past in dealing with this episode. But I was glad I could come out on the other side with some positive thoughts and a plan of action. And that it didn’t take longer than this.

Hopefully I can now get to execute these plans!

Selfless Dedication

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was special. We got together to celebrate my maternal uncle and aunt’s fiftieth wedding anniversary!

The occasion itself was momentous. Not everyone gets to enjoy marital bliss for so long.

What made it more memorable was the time I spent with my cousins together. We were catching up with each other after a while.

As we tried to make the most of these two days, every hour spent having fun felt great. I thought it couldn’t have gotten better. But then something very special happened…

During the celebrations, when their grandchildren asked my uncle and aunt some questions, my uncle described my aunt’s unfailing dedication and contribution to home building. And how that was an important aspect of how their relationship strengthened.

How she, being a housewife, took it upon herself to raise the kids, took care of everyone in the extended family, and handled all the changes with aplomb, being at his side always.

It was so refreshing to hear those words. Not just because his love and care for her shone through those words, but also because it reflected the important contributions our mothers made to our lives.

I thought about how my mother, again a housewife, always put our interests first before hers. How she took extra efforts and care to ensure everything in my extended family always went on smoothly. How she continues to do so even now.

Selflessly dedicated. To us. To the family.

And yet, we don’t consider homemaking as a critical part of our lives as much today. Or don’t give it the importance it is due.

Yes, women now work more often than not. And that means many more responsibilities than before. Life’s more busy in general and that means many more things to take care of. But somehow, they cobble it together well.

It’s an amazing quality that women and moms have. I see the same attitude and spark in my wife. And many of the other women in the family I know or have observed closely. More superpowers to them!

Later that evening, as my mom and aunt danced gracefully to celebrate the occasion in their own style, we were all cheering from the sidelines.

For the performance of their lifetime…

The Slow Lane

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

No one wants to be caught up in a slow lane. All of us want to move as swiftly as possible. Mostly.

Until, we can’t. Or maybe, in some cases, until we don’t want to.

This last week, I was contemplating the pace of life and how hectic it seems to have become!

We have all become slaves of pace. Constantly feeding on the frenzy. Be it news, views, reactions, joy, sorrow, or the many myriad emotions that now twitch at a faint hint.

So much so, when we do slow down due to a forced or a chosen reason, it seems excruciating. To the point that we want to get back on the treadmill as soon as we can.

Now, it’s common knowledge that if you continue to run and push yourselves harder, there will be a time when you will reach your limit. And will have to drop off at some point.

As I contemplated this fact more, I tried a couple of experiments on myself. One of the days, while practicing Yoga, I decided to try a module for sleep meditation.

I had to do nothing. Just lie down in Shavasana and meditate. I could hold myself still for only about 20 minutes. My mind and body gave up after that. And that’s when I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep!

Another one I tried was to do nothing during my commutes to office and back, and instead spend that time in thought on a particular topic. I could successfully only do it a few times, my mind wandering away to other things. Or worse, I took my phone to check something and the rabbit hole was waiting to consume me.

Then, as I was traveling to meet a friend on Friday evening, I saw a couple of young kids playing. They were fully engrossed in what they were doing, oblivious to the cacophony around them. It appeared as if their only purpose was to do that one thing. So refreshing!

Why have we become like this? Who’s pushing us to the wall and telling us to continue life at this frenetic pace? I guess it’s no one and it’s everyone.

It’s our choice!!!

When I look around, I see most folks are constantly busy. When I think about my own schedules, it’s relentless. If I look at most children, we have made a choice on their behalf to run harder.

The only group I see are taking it slow are the elderly. Senior citizens who have time on their hand to consider and do things as they wish to. When they wish to. And to cherish various moments through the day, not worry about taking off for the next critical thing. That’s such a bliss!

I do have a few friends, who lead a slow relaxed life. Either because they don’t have to earn for a living, or because of their life choices, have given up on this madness. And their life is much richer now.

Maybe, I will get enough conviction to emulate them one day. Until that day arrives, its back to the treadmill for another round then…

The hidden facade

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Varun loathed himself. Sitting in his cabin, he couldn’t wish the feeling away…

It had been a week of intense discussions. It was annual performance review time and being the head of department, he had quite a big team. As was the practice, he had to discuss his team’s performance and share their ratings individually.

When Varun had joined the corporate world, almost twenty years back, he had promised himself that he will bring his authentic self to work.

As years progressed, that was what he was known for too. Straight forward, always authentic in what he thinks and says. People liked him for that.

Then, as he hit the middle management layer, and decided to aim for the higher echelons, he suddenly realized that this value of his wasn’t much appreciated in the new circle.

They all talked about how he had to also be tactful and read the room before saying anything. How he must hold on to his feelings and not let them show on his face. And how it all mattered to the big bosses, how much in control he appeared when he did so.

Gradually, he became the person that he promised not to. Over the last couple of years, he had towed the management’s line. He had not been authentic at all times. And while, others may not have realized it, he did!

That week, as he went through his review meetings, he had realized that he was not being his authentic self more often than not.

In the eagerness to be seen as likable, he didn’t given the right feedback to a few of his team members. With a couple of others, he had been unnecessarily harsh, because he thought they wouldn’t fit in the right category in the management’s view.

That Friday, as he sat in his cabin, thinking through the week, he had nothing but loathe for himself. For how he had turned out to be this unauthentic, facetious person. He couldn’t believe this is what he had come to.

He kept staring at the wall in front of him for a long time, looking back at all these years of his work life and how his behavior had come to this.

Then, with a heavy heart, he got up and dragged himself home. That evening was a restless one for him, he couldn’t come to terms with himself.

His wife, who had known him even before he had started working, knew something was amiss. She sat him down and reasoned with him. She had already observed that he had let go of his authentic self, and had seen this coming.

She gave him courage to find the mistakes he had made in recent times and discussed openly with him on how he thought he could correct those. As those thoughts crystalized, Varun saw the fog lifting from his mind.

Monday, as soon as he got into the office, he invited those few team members he wanted to speak to. He met with them one by one, telling them that he had not been his authentic self and then sharing the real feedback he had for them.

That evening, as he walked out of the office, he came across a picture from one of his older albums his phone had surfaced. It was from the time when he had gone for his first rock climbing trip.

The picture was of him holding on to the grappling rope with fear on his face. It was of a time long gone by, but it was of that authentic Varun he had known for a long time. And who he had recalled today after a long time…

Nostalgia and Guilt

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

There are many a times we suffer from nostalgia, when we recount the days passed by. Either with friends or family or in a particular setting.

There are also things that we have done or decisions we have taken, which at some point in time come back to us and result in guilt.

This past week, as I landed in the Bay Area and spent a few days in Foster city, these two feelings hit me simultaneously.

We spent a year and a half in this place, before we moved back to India 6 months back…

When I had booked the trip, I planned to stay in the vicinity of the office and some other folks I wanted to meet. So, foster city was a natural choice.

It didn’t occur to me much until later, when a colleague asked me if I will feel nostalgic upon my return. Even then, I brushed it off, thinking it will be fine.

However, I was surprised by the intensity of the feeling. It’s been six months but as I walked around the same paths I used to pass by and went around some landmarks we used to visit or our life revolved around, it felt like those days were flashing past me.

I and my wife going for a walk. Our daughter going into the school or we picking her back. A couple of supermarkets we used to go to quite often. A couple of restaurants we frequented.

The list could go on. But you get it. There was heavy nostalgia in revisiting those recent memories. And a heavier sense of guilt!

Guilt because, it was our choice to move back. And for having pushed the family out of this setting.

I lived with questions for a couple of days…

Did I take a hasty decision? Should we have stayed here longer, perhaps we would have found more friends and a life! Why did I give in so easily and not fight it out?

Those couple of days were spent in a lot of self introspection and questioning myself.

Then, as I was reflecting on my days passed by and recounting to a friend what we have been up to ever since going back to India, it struck me.

It may have been a decision taken too soon. But it wasn’t in haste.

We would have definitely found more friends here, but we have so many in Bangalore. And a lot more family around, shorter distances away.

I could have fought on living here but I didn’t want to miss a chance of living life more fully with people I really wish to spend time with.

And so, as I flew out of the city, it became apparent to me that the nostalgia I was feeling was natural but the guilt that had been brewing inside could be put aside.

Maybe, I will still get these kind of questions both inside my head and from my wife and daughter, when we compare something between the two places.

But I hope my head will be able to handle those feelings better and not leave me confused as I was these past few days!

After all, the nostalgia means we had a good time, although it lasted a short while. Perhaps incentive to plan a family trip sometime later on.

And without any feeling of guilt left over, I could happily say that the one and a half year we spent here was some of the best times we spent as a family!

Empathy and Care

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

In most things, we men are not as ripe between the ears as the women folk are…

Our wives are much better than us in most things. Our moms are way more perceptive than we can ever be. And our sisters are the elder one, even when we may have been born earlier.

I am sure there are numerous such anecdotes we can relate to. We have all heard about how women are great at making decisions or working through chaos to get to the right outcomes.

The reason? I think it has to do with empathy and care.

A few days back, as my wife and I were discussing something about our daughter’s behavior, I realized that she was looking at the matter through the eyes of our daughter. While I had been looking at it from only our eyes.

As we discussed more, and I looked deeper through her thoughts, it was all because of her empathy toward our daughter at all times.

My focus was on how our daughter should be behaving and therefore what we need to do to amend it. Whereas, my wife’s focus was on why she was behaving the way she had been and the gap that we need to fill – to help her get to where we want her to be.

We both care for our daughter and wanted to influence her toward the right path. My process was to point her directly to the path, my wife’s process was to stand with her and show her why the right path is the one to choose.

It isn’t that I am not empathetic. I think I am. But only when I want to be or when I think there is a need. She however, is so by nature.

Similarly, my mother’s perception of most situations is quite deep. Because she thinks empathetically about the people and the surroundings and cares. Whereas my father may only be looking at one angle and not considering all those aspects. I have seen it enough no. of times but hadn’t realized it until recently.

I could go on with more such examples but what I am driving to is this – most men are wired differently. We like to get to the point and stick to our opinions. We try and eliminate variables and focus on the main topic. And move on to the next problem or situation.

Women on the other hand, take their time to consider multiple things before deciding. They are not afraid to get into more complexities and while they may deviate sometimes, they always come back to the path.

Is it important then, for us men, to learn new ways? Of course, they can help us. But that’s not the point.

I think there must be contrasting views and approaches in most situations, coming from both men and women, for us to decide the best way forward. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we aren’t.

What’s important is to remember that we need not always be right. And our wife/mom/sister have an equally valid point of view, which must be considered and factored in the final decision!

Or better still, let them take the decision and follow along…

Winds of Change

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Arya was sitting down clutching herself. It had been a while she had gone out of the home.

Ever since she had moved to the new city, her will to move around had given way to a general reluctance.

Not that she had not tried. Soon after landing in the new place, she had gone out every evening, trying to meet people in the neighbourhood. She didn’t have any friends here and wanted to make a few.

However, owing to the gloomy and cold weather outside, most folks were staying inside those days. Even those who were found moving around, were preoccupied or rushing to get back into the comfort of their homes.

It seemed almost disrespectful to Arya to stop someone for small talk and intros then. So, she had kept exploring the surroundings. They weren’t promising either.

The area she had shifted to was slightly outside the city, in an upcoming suburb. The bustling shops that the city was known for hadn’t found a reason to set up in this corner.

Day after day, Arya kept going out for her evening walks. And coming back home chilled to the bone, without meeting anyone. It had been a month by then.

As if God was trying to test her further, the weather worsened the next few weeks. Only those who had to go for an important errand dared to venture out. Ordering stuff online and being in the comfort of one’s home was far more soothing.

Arya gave up. Although a part of her wanted to go out, the stronger part of her brain convinced her to stay indoors. Work had also started to pile up and she started spending countless hours in front of her laptop.

She had never been like this. In the previous city, she had lots of friends and a few cousins. So, her weekends were always busy. After all, that was the only time she got away from work.

She didn’t realize the slow creep until that Friday evening. She had just finished work and when she got up to have dinner, it stuck her that she hadn’t been out of the house for almost two months! And had nothing to look forward to over the weekend.

It got to her. Slowly at first but then rapidly overwhelming her and within a matter of minutes, she was sitting down on the floor, sobbing and clutching herself.

She remained in that state for almost an hour and the weariness of the effort got to her. Her body gave up, she lay down, cuddling on the floor, and went to sleep.

That evening, she had a strange dream. She was in the middle of a party, standing alone and watching everyone. It seemed all those strangers were enjoying the party and calling her to join. But she was frozen to her place. Then, someone came and touched her and those shackles broke. She spent the evening partying on her own with that crowd, in which she knew no one.

Arya woke up. It must have been an hour that she was lying like that but it seemed as if an era had passed.

She went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face to get off the fatigue. As she looked into the mirror, she saw not her current self but the happy version she had been in her dream.

Startled, she looked closely at her reflection. It was the same Arya. But without a worry about whether she knew anyone or not, only focused on herself and her happiness.

The next few minutes were a blur. She changed, got her phone and wallet, and booked herself a taxi. In a jiffy, she was standing outside her house.

The taxi arrived. She sat down and just told the driver to take her around town over the next 3-4 hours. She didn’t know if she wanted to stop anywhere. If nothing appealed to her she would come back home.

Then, as the taxi started moving, she pulled down the window. The wind was strong but not very cold. As it hit her face, Arya smiled.

She had been missing the wind…

“Exposed”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up in small town India was a lot of fun. Specially during the summer holidays.

Almost all of my summer holidays were spent at home or with grandparents and cousins. It however meant that I often didn’t go beyond those places, neither did I get exposed to new things.

This changed rapidly during my high school years. Didn’t happen inorganically or because someone elder decided that I needed exposure. It was rather organic and spontaneous, even circumstantial.

Post my 10th class exams, I decided to accompany my cousins to Delhi. Alone, without my parents.

Although I had been to Delhi earlier with my parents, now I was a teenager and it felt liberating to go live with them alone. My parents somehow were quite comfortable and allowed me to explore.

My cousins also, sensing my excitement, let me be. We roamed around quite a bit, saw some of the iconic landmarks of the city, and ate at some good places. It was when I took to reading novels in a single sitting and quite surprisingly, finished quite a few of them.

That was my first exposure to big city life, in all its glory and shame. Some tough lessons in that trip!

Next summer, after finishing my 11th class exams, my maternal uncle and my father prodded me to attend a Military School camp. Something that aligned well with my ambitions to join the forces, and to which I readily agreed.

It was the first time I stayed in a hostel and experienced that life. Being on your own forces you to learn rapidly. It is radically different and exposed me to the good, the bad, and the ugly among the crowd.

Again, in all its glory and shame, I learnt to live on my own and read people a little better. I also learnt many life lessons, that are embedded in the conscious and subconscious mind.

That same year, I went over to help my cousins move their home and spent days helping them pack and unpack. Although it was relatively easier, I had never assumed such responsibility during our own moves from one place to another, and it offered me multiple lessons.

That real world interaction, in a new location, again proved to be rich in exposure. It also allowed me to explore a place that I had been to earlier with my parents, only this time in a different light.

All these opportunities not only exposed me to new stuff, but also proved helpful later on as I branched out on my own. If I wouldn’t have been in those situations, it would have taken me longer to find my groove later.

Today, as a parent, when I think of how many things our daughter is getting exposed to, and the pace at which it is happening, I am amazed. And yet, it is also a realisation that all these experiences shouldn’t just help her see a new world but also learn aspects of life that she wouldn’t get to just being at home.

Something to keep a note for this new year and beyond!

I turn 5!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Five is a good milestone in life!

I remember how I celebrated when I turned 5.

I invited a lot of my friends, the first proper memory of me celebrating a birthday.

Those days birthdays used to be at home, so there was decoration, cake, and some eatables. All organised at home.

My friends were eager to lap up all of it and there was a lot of excitement as the cake was cut. We played for a while after that and wound up the party late in the evening.

I was happy that I was going to go to first grade in school in the new school session. I was a young boy now!

I couldn’t feel or provide the same level of excitement to our daughter when she turned 5. Her fifth was just after the first round of Covid and we could only manage a low key celebration at home with cousins over.

She was however happy to have celebrated it and we all had a good time. It was also time to acknowledge that she was now growing up to be a young girl, ready to start her learning journey.

Today, as I write this post, I have a similar feeling. Its been five years since I decided to take writing seriously and am elated at having completed 5 years of continuous blogging.

It all started with a new year resolution in January of 2020, when I chose a Sunday rhythm to publish my blog. It’s been 260 weeks and in these 5 years, I believe I have grown as a writer. I have tried different things, ideas, and techniques.

And I have been rewarded very well by all of you who have read it at some point in time or regularly. It’s like appreciation from an elder about growing up well.

This year, I also took a break from the translation project I was working on, related to my grandfather’s work. Because after having worked on it for a year, I realised that it would be best to bring out his story in a different form and not just as a translation.

As I enter the new year, I hope to continue writing more of these blogs and also start writing a long-form story / book. Maybe someday in the future I will publish something.

And a decade or so later, when I look back at this milestone, I would realise how at this point in time my journey was just starting…

Growing up Fun.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are fun. But only when they are small.

Is what I used to think. Until a while back.

As our daughter is growing up, watching her actions and reactions is proving to be a great source of amusement. And learning. In the right way.

This week, there were two instances when I saw my own little self in her. It was both surprising and fun.

The first one was when she was prepping up for her sports day at school. Watching her get ready for participation, I was motivating her to give it her best without worrying about the result. It brought back memories of my early years when my parents used to play that role for me.

In the second instance, while on vacation, it was bemusing to see her reactions toward younger kids around us. She was giggling at their behaviour and quietly watching how their parents were acting around. But also commenting on what she liked or not about what she saw.

It was as if she was suddenly older now. Worrying about the stuff us older beings have on our mind. Aware of things around her that much more, privy to how people behave and how others react to it all.

There have been multiple such instances in the last couple of years where she has left us speechless with a most common sensical take on a topic. Or when she will utter something funny, knowingly, leaving us laughing our guts out.

The discussions we have now have also evolved. From the most basic stuff to complex phenomena, she questions me on myriad things in and around us. Some known, some left to Google, nah Perplexity, to answer.

The conversations are much more deeper. About how things work, what others feel, why certain decisions are taken, and so on. And not just from a perspective of knowing about it but debating about why it must be so, or whether it is good or bad, right or wrong.

It’s also been a lesson for me on how to understand what will work or not in any given situation and how should I be prepared with alternatives to offer her. Probably a good start considering her upcoming teenage years.

But ultimately, it is all great fun. To be with, to observe and learn from, and to be partners in crime with.

So, yes, I happily accept I was wrong. And it’s such a delight to be around her and watch her grow!