Author: Rishi

The brighter side

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I believe strongly in this saying, “Whatever happens, it’s for the good“. Something I learnt through personal experiences.

And yet, when something untoward happens, my mind first races to the negative side…

Why did this happen with me? How did I let it happen? What did I do wrong? And many such questions.

This weekend, when I missed my return flight from a longish business trip, it wasn’t a happy feeling. I felt like an idiot.

While I sorted out the mess and got myself booked again on another flight for the next day, my mind continued to swarm with negative thoughts. When I called up home to tell them of the mishap, it felt so bad I wanted to scream at myself.

But then, I calmed myself down. Sat down for a while and took some time to make peace with the fact that I could have done better.

In my sleep, I must have dreamt away those thoughts, for when I woke up, I felt neutral.

It took me longer to get back home but on the way I met a couple of good people, got some good me time at the right waking hours, and also got some work done.

Most importantly, I realized why the mishap had come to pass, and identified corrective actions, so that I do not let something similar happen again.

Maybe there are some other lessons or good that I don’t realize now or haven’t come true but will be revealed with time.

This has happened with me in the past too. I didn’t succeed in my business when I had put in so much effort. I didn’t get through a competitive exam when I wanted to pass badly. I had to give away my childhood dream due to an injury. But each time, I realized that mishap had made me stronger. And the future had in store for me better things.

That’s why some ask us to ‘be positive!’ Or you may call it ‘looking at the brighter side’…

Give me more. Time.

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Give me 15 seconds to explain. Or a minute to complete… How often have I heard it!

It seems as if all we want is to ask for some time when it’s run out already. Even if it doesn’t help us.

Wait. Maybe, it does? It makes our voice heard.

But what we can achieve in those 15 seconds or in a minute that we couldn’t all the while when we were in the meeting or in that situation?

Perhaps, we didn’t get a chance to speak. Or the time allotted was too short. Which are both good reasons to seek more time.

However, wouldn’t it make sense to then ask for 5 minutes or 15? Why a few meagre seconds?

Is it that we are so enamored to the concept of time that we don’t want to waste others or ours? Or is it that we are so perennially short of it that asking for more may show our greed / insensitivity?

I think it is neither but ignorance on our part. Ignorance to comprehend that we won’t be able to say something in a few seconds, that which we haven’t already said.

For, is it really possible to complete, let the other person comprehend and expect him/her to respond to what you have to say in 15 seconds?

It could also be a matter of greater complexity than originally thought. And if so, then the matter anyways needs more time and asking for a few seconds won’t help. Better to discuss in more detail when everyone has more time!

Whatever it may be, the best thing to do IMHO, is not to seek more time immediately but rather put forth your point separately – in the next meeting or when you have a chance to.

Maybe asynchronously? After thinking through deeply and then putting it forward.

For, if the matter would have been so urgent, the decision would have already been made. And if you hadn’t spoken for or against it then, likely you didn’t for a reason…

The (Road) Rage within(?)

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I recall watching a hilarious take on how traffic in India moves. It was a very good demonstration of all the wrong things we practice on the road in our country.

How we swerve to overtake, without worrying about the person behind or in front of us. How in the quest of reaching some place early, we break rules. How much we honk, as if it’s our birthright. And how we have a general disregard toward pedestrians.

After coming back to India, while driving around for the last two plus months, I have often wondered about this question – why are our worst behaviors coming out when on road?

Not that the US doesn’t have its share of such behavior. I did see a few cases when I was there. But when I compare those to India, we win handsomely. By a margin so big that I cannot even calculate!

I have been driving a car for more than twenty years. But we’ve never had the kind of insensitivity that we have now.

Earlier, there was a certain civility in the way we used to drive. The traffic was way lesser, and even though the roads weren’t as wide as now, it used to flow through pretty seamlessly. Pedestrians could coexist on one side of the road. Bikes weren’t approaching you to stomp over.

Now, everyone is in a mad rush, playing Roadrash all the time (my favorite game once :)). Not just the autos and taxis!

I have seen people not yielding to pedestrians even though there is not much room to move forward. I have seen bikers zoom past zigzagging at high speeds like they were playing a video game. I have heard countless and useless horns, without a need for them mostly. And I am sure I have been abused multiple times, by someone in a different vehicle…

But the worst part is not that. It is as if we don’t care anymore. We are just trying to get by, wading through the labyrinth, unhinged by what we leave in our wake.

All this makes me wonder if this behavior is just happening on the road or is it playing out in our minds. Are we so frustrated at life on the road that we take it out on the machine and on the fellow travelers? Or are we genuinely so pressed for time always that even a second’s delay isn’t affordable?

In our quest for survival and winning at all costs, we are taking it to an extreme everywhere? Or is it the lack of discipline and enforcement that’s letting us become the worst version of ourselves?

Whatever it is, I feel just like so many things around us, there is something that we must do about it. That I must do about it. It may not amount to much but at least it allows me to have a good feeling about my behavior.

The hack to conform to my own principles? Switch on some music, focus on staying in the lane, and drive with the same respect that I would accord to others in the US. One good thing that I carried with me…

How Does It Feel?

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Iman was sitting at a table in the college canteen. He had a plate full of vegetable Hakka noodles, his favorite dish. And yet, he wasn’t feeling like eating.

There were students thronging nearly all tables, orders flowing in thick and fast, and he had landed in that zone all by himself. It was his first week in the college and he hadn’t made many friends. A couple of boys, who he had gotten to know better than others, were still in the library.

He had tried to evade the growing hunger and somehow skip eating lunch alone. But he knew better than to not have food. So, heading to the canteen, he ordered the dish that seemed the easiest, and had taken a seat at a smaller table.

While he was still thinking, another boy, who he recognized was from his own class, came towards him, smiling. He just said a hi and sat down. After all, college canteens are not a place to check if you can join someone. You just grab a chair wherever you can find one, specially during the lunch hour.

The other boy introduced himself as Kamran. Iman introduced himself, and they started to talk about some random stuff about classes. Soon, they got down to eating their food.

Kamran had a plate full of rice, a rich thick gravy, a little bit of curd, some salad, and a couple of other things. His plate was overflowing, everything just about managing its place. Some of the accompaniments had mixed with each other, creating colorful melanges of their own.

Kamran didn’t have a big appetite. But he relished the usual homely style lunch more than some of the fast food items and wanted all things available. He was also not averse to using his hand at times, to aid his rather quick fire style of eating.

Iman was a more ‘polished’ guy. He had been taught table manners since he was a child and usually enjoyed his food neatly laid out, picking on things separately, always using some cutlery. Naturally, he found the sight of Kamran’s plate and his eating style not to his liking. He was however, far too proud to call it out. Instead, while continuing the small talk, he kept observing Kamran.

Kamran on the other hand, also realized that his classmate had different eating habits. Kamran had not eaten like that ever, so he was also intricately watching Iman indulge in his food.

This went on for a while. The two boys continued their banter and continued to observe each other.

By this time, Iman was feeling slightly unnerved about what he was witnessing. But he could also see that Kamran was really enjoying his food and that intrigued him. How could one eat with such abandon, have so many things that are all mixed up at the same time, and yet enjoy it? What about flavors and manners?

Kamran was astonished by the methodical manner in which Iman ate and wished he could develop such sophistication. He also saw that Iman was very adept at separating out ingredients and picked at them at will, which raised questions in his mind about taste buds. For him everything was the same!

Both boys, by this time had realized that there was something amiss about them. Iman had not had so much enjoyment eating food ever. Kamran had never relished food but always considered it as fuel for the body and was always happy eating it.

As they finished their food, and walked out together, both of them were thinking the same thing – “Not that I want to be, but what if I could eat like him for a while? Wouldn’t that be cool?”

In the background, Dylan’s song played out from inside the canteen, “How does it feel?”…

Moral Compasses

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What is it? Why do we need one? How do I explain this simply?

This question had been riling me for a while. Not because I didn’t know the explanation. But because that explanation was abstract or complex, not easily describable.

Then, this week something happened which helped me decipher the explanation!

As is the wont, our daughter made a mistake. A behavioral mistake. One that wasn’t agreeable to me or my wife. And we set out to make it right.

We knew we had to nip that behavior in the bud and at the same time help our daughter realize how she needs to change it.

This wouldn’t have been possible by positing as the usual dad, which I am often guilty of. It rather needed me to wear a different hat and check in my biases, inhibitions, and suggestions at the door. I chose to have a heart to heart with her.

Sitting down, we had a long conversation. About what had led her to behave like she did. How had it not been obvious to her that it wasn’t right. And what was her observation post her behavior. As well as of those around her.

I gave her the room to speak her mind and tell me what she was thinking before and after. And how did she perceive it.

As we dived in, I realized that I needed to give her a tool which could help her in similar situations going forward. So, I explained to her the code that I follow. “Don’t do something that you cannot tell about to everyone”.

She took my advice and has course corrected, apologizing to a couple of friends at the rough end of the behavior. As well as making peace with herself that although she slipped some, we caught on to her and she is back to her usual self.

But as I thought about it, I realized the simplicity with which I had explained a very important concept to her. That of morality and how to judge it!

For what is morality? How we ought to see ourselves or how we see others? How we ought to do ourselves or how we do to others? They are both intertwined I believe, in a circular motion.

Morality moves in tandem with who we are, and what we do. Whatever we choose, our morals become that. And that compass continues to guide us in the direction that we had already chosen…

The 5k Run.

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I was panting. The display screen on the treadmill read 4 kms with a time of 24 minutes. A message flashed just then, ‘target set at 5 kms’…

After having stopped my exercise routine during the move back to India, I slowly got back to hitting the gym this past week. It was a welcome relief to not find myself out of shape. I could still walk at a good pace, lift weights, and do pull-ups and push-ups consistently.

Then, as the week was drawing to a close, and I pushed myself on Friday. What if I try and run a 5k, in 30 minutes? Can I do it?

There are many things that hold your fascination over a long period of time. 5k runs in 30 minutes or less are one such fascination for me.

You might ask, where is this coming from? To answer, I will have to take you back back to my academy days.

We were a bunch of boys with high adrenaline levels and much more gumption. The Indian Military Academy was however a no-nonsense place. You either fell in line or you fell in line!

As was the norm, for any deviation or mistake, punishments were doled out by the dozen. The smaller punishment was a 5k run, to be completed in under 30 minutes for it to be counted. The bigger one was a route march for 20k in under 3 hours. Mind you, with all the gear and a dummy rifle…

Some folks always bore the brunt, getting punished at the drop of a hat. They were constantly running those 5k’s and had become a champ at it. And then there were some of us, pretty lucky in those days, to have escaped any punishment. It seemed we had the golden touch.

Time however does catch up. And eventually I did land up with a couple of 5k runs and a couple of route marches.

I had heard from my friends how easy the 5k had become for even the slower runners, so I had confidence going behind me when I took the mark for the first time. However, as I soon realized, it’s one thing to talk and another to do!

Cutting to the chase, it took me all my might and the last ounce of energy to make the cut at just a few seconds shy of the 30 minute mark. The start had been fine but somehow I had trailed off in the mid sector and by the time I was on the last leg, my legs had started giving way. Until a batch-mate goaded me on and helped me finish.

Since then, the 5k became something of a mission for me to keep achieving. Even after I got out of the Army, I have kept going back to this run to time myself and check my fitness levels. Sometimes I have succeeded, sometimes I haven’t. And then I know it’s time to tighten the belt on the fitness routine.

Coming back to this week’s experience, I wasn’t sure if it was too early for me to attempt the 5k. But I wanted to at least try and see how I will fare.

So, there I was, on the treadmill. The target was 5k, the goal was to hit it in 30 minutes or less. I was going fine. Only if my legs would continue to support me and my lungs wouldn’t budge.

But as I neared the 4k mark, my feet started feeling a bit wobbly. I was panting a bit. I had it in my mind that I would stop if there was any danger sign but I didn’t sense any at that time.

I didn’t want to stop at that mark not just because of the target but also because I wanted to push myself a bit more. So, I chose to instead focus on my breath, count down the last 5 minutes, and the remaining distance to complete 5k.

Those were the longest 5 minutes for me in recent times. It took me all my running skills to make that last dash. Thankfully, my feet stopped wobbling and my lungs functioned well. I finished the 5k in exactly 30 minutes.

Mission accomplished! Time to continue the training!! Until the next checkpoint!!!

For those who help us!

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We are spoilt. There are too many folks helping us all around. Be it at our homes, offices, or in general across the society.

And yet, we don’t pay enough attention towards them. We don’t care much about who they are or how they are, only about what they do for us. And if it is done well.

This past week, three instances threw me into this side of the brooding pond, with questions like these.

The first one was at the office, where my company celebrated the Independence Day by inviting the support staff at the office to take the limelight and showcase their talent. Quite something, I must confess!

As I served some of them during the ensuing lunch, it allowed me a closer look at who they really were. I believe I have always been respectful to them while at the office, but that afternoon gave me a chance to observe them from close quarters, cheer for them as they performed, and serve them to show my gratitude.

What I saw was normal, regular folks, who had the same demeanour, similar preferences, and probably same aspirations. They are just in the role they are in today because of certain circumstances. But they deserve equally the same level of respect and courtesy as others around us.

The second one was when I was going through the process of hiring a driver for ourselves. I went through trials with a couple of recommendations. Post that, when I had to finally make a choice, it wasn’t an easy decision.

I had to weigh in their performance behind the wheel, their behaviour while being around, and their soft skills. As I thought through the final choice, I realised my decision had a bearing on not just my experience in those 30 minutes but also had a bearing on the person’s life and of those associated with him.

In the end, I decided based on not only the overall driving experience but also the personality and the real person behind them, as much as I could gauge during my interaction.

The third one was the flag hoisting and celebrations within my community. I saw smartly turned out security guards and helping staff, putting together a fine assembly and ceremony.

During my interactions with some of them this week, I got to know a few of them better and realised they were doing all they could to deliver the best on their job. And took pride in how they do it.

It made me realise that the only reason I can be confident about my community’s security, smooth functioning, cleanliness, and so many other things is because of all these people. And they deserve to be respected and supported for what they do for us.

These experiences made me question myself about how I look at those who serve me, help me, support me through my life. Am I being a good fellow human being to them? Or am I considering it my birthright to be served and helped so?

Hopefully, I am doing the right thing. And hopefully, I continue to do the right thing…

Remember the Highs!

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I was going through a dull moment. Feeling down and out.

My mind was racing down the spiral, into the nadir. And my demeanour had changed into a sobering, deflated one.

It was a low point. And I was thinking of all the things that had gone wrong. All those mistakes which I could have prevented.

As I gazed into the ether, my inner voice was somewhere egging me to get out of the slump. Trying to remind me of the good things that had happened or which were in store in the future.

But my mind had shut off the good side. The bad side was winning at the moment.

Seeing me lost, my wife came and sat besides me. And told me that when I had overcome so many bigger challenges in my life, what I was going through was relatively minor.

She added that she was fully confident that I would not only overcome this low point but come out stronger on the other side.

As I listened to these words, something stirred in me. I went back to those past challenges and compared those situations with the one I was in currently. I also recalled the success I had seen once I overcame those challenges.

And suddenly, just like a light bulb illuminating a dark hallway, my good side took over and started throwing light over the gloom, pushing the bad side away.

It was just a small statement by my wife. But meant so much to me in that moment when I was feeling low.

My confidence returned and my demeanour normalised. Positive thoughts started coming back and the feeling of I am not alone in this made me sit up with a resolve to fight.

Thankfully, I have her by my side, helping me avoid these pitfalls every now and then!

Present, Sir…

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Monish was smiling. Sitting at the back bench of the class, he could see his classmates get up one after the other, as their name was called out to mark attendance.

Monish still had time, the roll call had only reached names starting with G. There were seven more students before him to be called out. He sat there bemused, watching his classmates.

His mind went back to the previous year, when he had more classmates after him in the roll call than before. That meant he had to be alert early on, as soon as the teacher started. It also meant he couldn’t take pleasure in noticing his fellow classmates, something he enjoyed doing.

There were instances the previous year when he had been late to the class owing to a break, which put him in an awkward position. While the teachers didn’t mind students rushing to the toilets in between classes, they sure didn’t appreciate having to go back in their register to mark a certain missed student again.

Once, the embarrassment had become too much to handle. That day, Monish had got stuck waiting in the queue, reaching the class just as the last name was being called out. He had got a scolding from the teacher for a full five minutes. Helpless, he had just listened to the rant and then sat down sheepishly.

Now however, he had a full army of classmates before him. So, he could take a longer break if he wanted to. It also allowed him to fool around with his friends for a bit longer.

This however, also meant he remained more distracted in class than the year before. Earlier, he would quickly finish whatever he was doing to get ready for the next class. Now, he started taking his own sweet time, sometimes neglecting the urgency needed. It had become a pattern, unbeknown to him.

In a nonchalant manner, smiling, he drooled over the setting. But not for long. His name got called out, and he had to stand up. His voice was rather casual, as if he was lost somewhere. “Present, sir”, he uttered meekly.

“Monish, keep standing. I have something to ask of you today”. The teacher asked him, seemingly in a foul mood.

Soon after the roll call finished, and he became the center of attraction of the class. Everyone was waiting in anticipation as to what the teacher is going to say or do. Monish was not sure why the teacher had called him out. He too looked intently.

The teacher came round to his desk and asked him matter of fact, “Can you tell me what was the class work I asked everyone about just before I started the roll call”?

Monish wasn’t prepared for this question. He was in the class but hadn’t paid attention to the teacher’s entrance or the first few sentences he spoke. He had been lost in his own world.

Looking sorry, he replied, “I don’t remember, sir”.

“Were you in the class when I came in”, asked the teacher. The reply was an affirmative nod.

“Then how did you not register what I was telling everyone”? The tone was unsettling.

Monish didn’t have any answers. Although it was a minor thing, he looked shaken. He had let himself be lost to the point of not paying enough attention. And the teacher had recognized this.

As if aware that he had made his point, the teacher turned around mentioning “sit down”.

Monish couldn’t fathom how it had happened. In his quest for observing others, he had let himself be absent from what was happening around.

The class ended. The school day did too. A normal one at that. Monish’s mind however had registered something significant.

He needed to be present in the present…

Special Days and Fun.

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Our daughter turned 9 this week. As if a major milestone, she celebrated her special day thrice.

First while we were still in the US, to ensure she doesn’t miss partying with her friends there. Then back home in India on the actual day as well as over the weekend when we could arrange for another party with her friends in Bangalore!

While she spent time having fun and enjoying her moments, I observed how she was genuinely having fun, without any abandon. I marvelled at her attitude about enjoying life.

And not just her but even the friends she had invited. They all had a gala time.

Almost like a coincidence, while talking to a colleague, we ventured into the topic of how our children provide us with energy and a lot of learning because they are who they are.

Sitting alone, thinking about the week, this stayed with me…

Not for the fact that it brought forth the limitations we succumb to as grown ups, when it comes to enjoying life. Or the thought about how I as a child celebrated with equal abandon.

But the thought of how on most special days, we now end up doing something low key. Like a dinner. Or maybe a shopping or movie outing.

Why don’t we take that time or day to actually celebrate life and live it fully. Even if just for a day. The way we want to live it.

Perhaps it’s too radical for most of us. But maybe worth a try?

Maybe that will unlock the child in us, doing things with abandon, enjoying the smallest of the things, while being happy all through it.

Or maybe it will just help us relieve stress from our daily routines and enable us to recharge.

Either which way, something I want to try the next time there’s a special day coming!