The “Me” Question

April 22, 2024April 22, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How would you describe yourself to someone?

This isn’t a self cantered question that I am asking of myself. It is a deeper reflection on how we come across as an individual to others.

We start in the unbridled, unhindered category. We are ecstatic to begin communicating while growing up and use any and every opportunity to make ourselves felt.

Right from our young age, we strive to talk and share. And we do so without any filters, without worrying about how we come across, and what’s our audience. It also helps that most folks we talk to in that age are close family and friends, not someone we want to hide from.

Then, as we start growing up, we realise that there are times when hiding our true feelings or being vague is beneficial for us. We do it a few times. Still, we are our authentic selves.

We pride being with like minded people, having friends who care for us, and a family that dotes on us. This all gives us confidence to continue speaking true and right.

However, this touch gets lost as our adulthood advances. We become more and more careful about what we want to reveal or hide. We use facades where necessary, whether professionally or personally.

And this removes us from the reality quite a bit. It also doesn’t help that most people we are surrounded by are acquaintances who we don’t know well or don’t trust enough.

We remain the same authentic self in front of our childhood friends or family but those are only a few days or moments. The heavy tilt towards our alter egos takes a toll on us. We begin to push the envelope on what’s real vs what’s made up about ourselves even with those who we know well.

Soon, the only difference that remains between the true self and the alter ego is what we retain in our heart. And that too contracts as time passes by.

By then our children are growing up and keenly observing us. We would have had the opportunity to pass on a more authentic outlook to them but we are too far down the road to do that now.

They too observe and learn how to not be authentic when it’s to one’s liking or advantage. Just like we did from our parents when we were teenagers. And the cycle repeats…

What if we decided to be true to ourselves and leave our facades behind? How would that change our and our children’s future choices and outcomes?

Maybe the fork in the road is now. Better late than never…

I am however, still grappling with this question even though the benefits are quite clear!

“Coloured”

April 15, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Deep was sitting at the sea shore, not believing himself. His group of friends had just fought between themselves and dispersed.

They had all been friends through middle and high school. Most of them for the entire time, except for Kavya.

Kavya had joined them in ninth grade and had soon become thick with most. He had an easy charm and was very good with words.

While Deep had welcomed Kavya in the group, he never got too close with him. Kavya tried a couple of times but Deep didn’t feel comfortable when he started raising points around skin colours, religion, social status etc. So, he had kept his distance.

Others weren’t so bothered. They knew Kavya came from a wealthy family and regularly lent his newest toys and gadgets to his friends. They all wanted to partake in that feast.

At first, it all seemed harmless. The gang was just having fun, and with Kavya’s generous attitude, they could do many more things.

But then, one day Kavya denied Romil his new headphones. He jokingly told him, “you cannot speak English fluently, how will you listen to my English song collection”. Others let it pass, not really bothering about correcting the bias.

Another time, he openly made fun of Karthik for his skin colour and religious beliefs in front of a couple of other group members. Again, everyone kept quiet. No one wanted to upset Kavya.

This behaviour continued but neither Deep, nor anyone else had the gumption or the sense to counter Kavya. Soon, it became the norm.

Kavya had once imitated Deep too and that had not gone down well with Deep. When he confronted Kavya, others in the group asked him to calm down and not take it seriously.

But as time progressed, the fissures within the group grew. Those who had been singled out, including Deep, felt wronged. And that feeling was not just for Kavya, but for others in the group too who had sided with him.

Deep had felt a sense of frustration in himself about his group of friends. He still continued to hang around with them because he considered them well.

But Kavya’s behaviour had rubbed off on others. Anand had reduced his interaction with Arif due to his religion. Jose had suffered bias at the hands of Bijoy due to his caste. Even Deep had felt unease about Romil’s non-vegetarian preferences. The group was starting to show fissures.

However, today was the worst. Kavya had openly made fun of people and that had led to Deep and Romil launching a tirade against his behaviour. Some others had opposed it even as Kavya threatened them.

Then, unimaginable to anyone, he kicked and punched Romil, who was standing nearby. Deep and Karthik in turn grabbed him and kicked him. Soon, everyone was fighting each other.

After a full ten minutes, some onlookers had separated the boys. The ‘friends’ had cursed each other and left. Only Deep continued to sit there, longing for an explanation about how it had come to this.

Then he recalled how he and the others had tolerated the initial bad behaviour. And how they had been coloured with how that behaviour was acceptable…

Made up, no more!

February 26, 2024February 26, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Mary was staring at the mirror. Looking at the dark spots and the aging lines on her forehead.

Her husband Akshay was standing behind her, admiring her. She appeared contented and he was happy for her.

As they looked at each other, Mary remembered their chat from a few weeks ago…

They had just returned from a party that night and as she sat down to take off her makeup, she realised she didn’t look like herself.

The thick layer of makeup had made her look younger, yes. But it had also given her an almost artificial cover. It was as if there was a thin sheet of plastic on her body, hiding her true self.

She reflected on her last twenty five years of having been used to putting makeup. That had started after college and while it was good for as long as it lasted, after almost turning fifty, she didn’t want to look all dolled up anymore.

She told Akshay in a straightforward manner, not wanting to put it nicely. To her surprise, he took it positively and encouraged her.

His words still echoed in her mind, “It’s not that you’re younger any more. Everyone knows this. So, why pretend if you’re not comfortable with it?”

The next week, as they were dressing to step out for a family get-together, she decided to skip any makeup.

When she got ready, she went up to Akshay. He saw her and knew she had taken his advice seriously. He smiled and hugged her. She looked much more graceful to him suddenly.

The next few days, Mary was very conscious about not putting on any makeup every time she went out. There were few compliments but she also knew that a few people were taking behind her back.

She didn’t get discouraged though. In her heart she knew she didn’t want to prove anything to anyone and was following her own mind. That confidence showed through in her and carried her forward.

Then, after a couple of weeks, it became natural for herself to not think about going out without makeup. And as time progressed, it became usual for people around her to notice her without makeup always.

They slowly started respecting her choice, more so for the move of looking natural. She could sense there were no more ‘behind-her-back conversations’ and she was accepted as she was.

And even if there were any murmurs, she didn’t care about them anymore. She was a free bird again, radiating from every pore of her body.

It was as if in those few weeks, she had rewritten the rule book on how other people perceived her!

The Power I Hold…

January 22, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

The lady was half asleep. She had had a tough day at work and after completing all the household chores, she had just gotten to bed.

Her house was a small one. They couldn’t afford a bigger one. Not with just one person working.

Her husband had been out of work for a while now. He had been fired from his last job because the company had filed for bankruptcy. Since then, he had been trying his best to land a new gig but without much success.

They didn’t have any child yet. It had been half a decade since their marriage and while they loved each other, they wanted to be sure about their financial stability before having a child. It wasn’t easy raising one and they only wanted the best for their kid, whenever they would have one.

As she turned around to the other side, her husband entered the room. He had been frustrated at his string of failures to secure a job and had been keeping aloof for a few days. She cajoled him and snuggled close to him, to comfort him. They lay there in each other’s arms soon.

But she couldn’t go to sleep now. Not with all that was running in her mind…

How will they get back to a better life now? How will he find a good job? How will they earn enough to afford a bigger place? And when can they plan to have a kid, she really wanted to become a mother.

The thoughts in her head kept floating in all directions, forcing her to toss and turn in her bed all night along. Her husband had dozed off after a while, he was too tired from life to continue being awake.

As dawn started to wake up, she stared out of the small window in their room. She could see the night sky giving way to a lighter hue. She could hear some noises from the nearby trees, leaves rustling, birds waking up.

Her mind kept racing. It was the dawn of a new day. She could either continue thinking about what had happened in the past few months or look forward to today and tomorrow. There was no other choice.

She got up and sat at the head of the bed. As she took deep breaths, she realized that she had power over her life still. She could make it work.

What if they were in a smaller house? They had a better one than many others.

What if they didn’t have a few luxuries in life? They had a decently functional life for now.

What if her husband didn’t have a job yet? He will find one soon enough if he kept trying.

What if they didn’t have a kid yet? She could decide and have one whenever she wanted to, they were both healthy.

After all, there was always today and tomorrow to make life up. To do what best they could with theirs.

For, she held a power. The will to make life work for them…

The Year That Was! (or not?)

January 1, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The boy was at the new year party. The countdown to 2024 had begun.

As he saw happy, smiling faces all round, cheering the countdown, he couldn’t help but notice his own mixed feelings about the year that had gone by. And how he felt about multiple things that happened in the course of the last twelve months.

He had begun the year on high hopes. There was not a single grain of doubt that 2023 was going to be a great year for him. His life was finally settling down with a steady job, a relationship he was happy in, and lovely friends all around.

But as life took its turns around the first few months, he saw his friends drifting away. One of them moved onto a new job and new city, another just got into a new relationship and spent lesser time with him.

His job, which he was so gung ho about, suddenly started seeming dreary. The promotion he was expecting came through but so came other challenges associated with the new position. He was doing the same thing he did the year before, with the same set of people, for the same set of clients. He started feeling he wasn’t growing and frustration started creeping in.

The only thing that remained steady during this period was his relationship. It was a source of strength for him and gave him confidence that better times will come again.

But as these images flashed back in front of his eyes, he realized that far more than ever, his life had remained steady. There was not a single mishap that had happened, in his personal life or on the work front.

He remembered how there was a health scare with his dad the previous year. And how it had disturbed everybody in the family. It could have been much worse. But nothing untoward had happened.

He recalled, how there were layoffs at his company. His division was also affected. But he had been doing well and wasn’t impacted. Instead, he ended up getting the promotion and role change.

And as he realized this, he became more grateful for how the year had gone by. For, that is how a typical good year goes by. There are some wins, some losses, some happiness, some sadness, some good and some bad outcomes. But you come out without being scathed much.

He joined the cacophony of voices that were counting down.

3… 2… 1…

As he kissed his partner and wished everyone around a happy new year, deep within he was contented and happy to step into a new year with new expectations and hopes of good things and changes…

Pedigree

December 25, 2023December 25, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Why do we bias towards pedigree? Is it or is it not as important as we think it is?

This is the kind of term we use when we want to show that the subject in focus belongs to a particular group. Mostly, the highly desirable groups who have been educated or come from a higher class background.

Is it our fascination with higher classes in general? Or has it got to do with some deep rooted feelings that get ignited within us?

These past few weeks, I have been listening to a podcast by ‘The Ken’, titled ‘First Principles’. It is interviews with some of the well known startup founders and what drives them and their companies.

As I listened to some of the well known and successful founders, I tried to observe patterns. And some interesting insights have emerged in my head.

One such important question, that rears time and time again in my head, has been this one about pedigree…

Those who graduated from the top schools and universities had a strong alumni backing, plenty of confidence in their abilities, and above all, a general sense of accomplishment that they embody. They seem to have a sense of purpose and a particular vision about how they see the world and their specific area of interest.

But even those founders who are not very high pedigree display a high sense of accomplishment and confidence. They have the same sense of purpose and vision. The society probably doesn’t hold enough confidence in them. Or they don’t have the same strength of alumni’s backing. But their success isn’t middling, in fact much better in some cases.

In fact, I think for most people who are capable enough, pedigree stops mattering after the first few years. It may have helped in getting a start but the person’s progress is more dependent on how s/he does going forward rather than what s/he did earlier.

If I look at myself, it is the same pattern. Pedigree stopped mattering after the initial years. What I lack in some way I make it up in other aspects because of my capabilities and abilities. And where I come from matters less and less.

Am guessing it is the same for most folks.

We however, personally, still view pedigree as important. We go out of our way to recognise it, idolise it, aspire for it, and discriminate basis it!

Perhaps, it is too ingrained a thought in our beings. Trapped within this thought process, we consciously or unconsciously try and move in that same direction as we have been accustomed to going in.

That’s probably why sometimes we overlook potential and fitment, incurring a loss when instead we should have kept the pedigree aside and chosen on the merit of the case…

Hoarders!

December 11, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are all hoarders. In the literal sense of the word.

Each one of us hoards something – for some it is their feelings, for some it is money, and for some it is random stuff. There may be other things too that a section may specialize in hoarding but am not going to dwell on that.

This week, as I spent some time introspecting, this question occurred to me – what does hoarding do to us and what it doesn’t? Is it helpful or is it not?

Well, I am someone who hoards feelings. I like to keep my feelings to myself. Not because I cannot let them out but because I don’t believe in sharing them at random. It may be a bane but that’s how I am built. Emotional and sensitive.

I realize that this hoarding doesn’t help me always. In fact, there was a time in my life, when things were only going downhill, when this hoarding led to major explosions within me and affected many a close people around me. It made me unnaturally aggressive and pushed me to spiral negatively. Until, I chose to just let it all go out of my system.

Since then, I have tried to keep the hoarding to the minimum. Not that it doesn’t happen now. But I try and share things more, with people who matter to me or those who I know will be amenable to hearing me out. It has helped me to not bottle up things within and maintain my balance, also ensuring I keep my sane perspective.

Some folks I know are hoarders of money. It isn’t a bad thing, in fact it is a virtue. They are able to control their impulses and not get influenced to part with their money. They generally think deeply through their head and weigh every decision in terms of the monetary angle.

While this may be prudent, in most such cases, I have also seen them taking decisions which are not conducive to their own personal health. They either go ultra hard on hoarding, thereby becoming stingy with the other things that matter in leading a good, comfortable life. Or they push away other people from them by this behavior. Ultimately, they have money but most times, not the affection of others.

I have never been a hoarder of money but often times when I come across such folks, I do try and understand their perspective about money. Because, irrespective of what I just said earlier, their discipline is commendable. And they have taught me a thing or two about being financially prudent. Thanks to them, I have developed better habits around saving money and keeping track of it.

Then, there are people I have come across who hoard things. They like to preserve and keep things for long. Even if the value or utility of that thing has long expired.

Of all vices, I think this is the most harmless. After all, you are hoarding stuff you have used at some point of time. The only downside being, if it turns into an obsession and prevents one from appreciating and using new things. For, only when we peruse the new is when we learn and grow.

The ones who hoard stuff, do so because it is not natural to them to throw away things. Sometimes it is driven by the sentimental value of that stuff, sometimes by the practical desire of using it for some other purpose, or sometimes just impulsively to avoid wastage. The thing I have learnt from them is to value things, no matter old or new – as long as it is useful to me or someone else.

As you can see from my musings above, I haven’t reached a particular conclusion here. What I did realize though is that sometimes even a term with a negative connotation could provide us insights on how to or not to do things.

Like with most things negative – there is always a positive lesson – both for the person who experienced/did it and for the observers…

Hopefully, I didn’t hoard any other insights and shared what I learnt here!

The First Time.

December 4, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The battlefield was a scene of utter devastation. Scars of the fighting going on over the last two days were visible everywhere.

In the middle of it all, a young man was lying down. He was alive. But exhausted and tired by what had happened over the last two days. His breath was heavy. Not because he was injured. But because he had just re-lived the last 48 hours. How had they changed his life!

As the din subsided and things went quiet in the twilight hours, he slowly helped himself and sat down. He then deliberately ran his eyes around to soak in the scene. As if suffering from hysteria, he started weeping.

Lying next to him was his closest friend. Dead. They had both started their army life on the same day and had become good buddies very soon. He was now gone. Too soon.

The young man remembered what had happened. Charging against the other side, they had gotten into a hand-to-hand combat and his friend was severely wounded by a couple of soldiers from the opposite side.

He then recalled how enraged he had felt at just that moment, and how that rage had made him uncontrollable. He, of the gentlest manners, had then fought off the two soldiers, hesitating just a bit before killing them.

After all, he had never killed someone before. But as he committed the act twice in quick succession, he felt something churning inside him. His mind went numb soon after and he fell down, as if someone had stuck him a blow.

All the training he had got was only to prepare him with how to react physically. How to handle blows to his body. They hadn’t prepared him for what to do when a close friend gets killed. Or how to react after killing someone yourself.

At first, he felt remorse for the soldiers he had just killed. They were also young, just like him. They also would have lost someone dear to them today. How lucky were they that they didn’t have to think about those losses anymore.

Then, he felt pity on himself. How could he do what he just did? And how will he look upon himself going forward? Wouldn’t it have been better if he had just knocked them down unconscious. What did his first time at killing someone on a battlefield mean?

As he sat there for some more time, it occurred to him that this had all been inevitable. The day he had signed up for the army, he should have known that such a moment will occur some day. In fact, he knew it will. What he didn’t do was think of what it will mean to him.

It was just a day on the job for someone like him. He had chosen this path. And the after effects of the incidence were his alone to deal with…

Replace the soldiers with ordinary men. Replace the battlefield with a corporate setup or a disoriented team or an unruly class. And assume the killing to be figurative rather than literal.

Sadly, a setting most of us are familiar with and see happening around us all too often…

Investments

November 20, 2023November 20, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all choose what we invest in. It could be the markets, could be relationships, could be our health. But all of these are related to us directly.

There’s another type of investment that we make – with a team or an individual. It could be in the field of sports, in our workplaces, or in business partnerships. Today, I am talking about these kinds of investments…

The past 6-7 weeks, I chose to invest my energy, time, and emotions with the journey of the Indian national cricket team. It was the cricket World Cup and with India playing at home, and playing well leading up to the tournament, I pledged myself to the team’s success.

It was a fairy tale script. The team won all its league matches comfortably and looked like invincible. It increased my confidence significantly and I continued to invest more into their journey.

But as is sometimes the case, last night left a sad note in our books. The men faltered at the last stop and my faith that they will bring home the cup, and repay my investment, was shattered.

As I switched off the television and went to get some sleep, something agitated me. After all these weeks of waking up at odd hours to watch matches and follow all game analysis, I was expecting more.

But as I thought about it, laying down and unable to sleep, I realized that it wasn’t justified for me to react like this. For, I did enjoy the journey and it was a fabulous one. The team played like a champion and a single loss won’t negate that fact.

As I made peace with the fact, it also occurred to me that a lot of times we judge our investment of time / effort / money in a fleeting manner. We decide how the investment is faring by looking at the last few moments / days. Not thinking about the journey we have traversed with that investment.

Be it in matters of personal investments or financial, we become short-sighted and seek early results. But what if the fruit of the labour is in continuing to invest and learn and grow?

After all, we don’t ask that question of ourselves when we invest in our child’s education. Or in matters of health once we realise prevention is better than cure!

The Face of ME!!!

This site is about my ideas and what I believe in!

Observations