Bonds

The Balancing Force

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This is one of the most intriguing questions , I think. How do you balance one side with the other.

And when it comes to relationships, it becomes all the more necessary. How do you achieve parity, love, and trust if you aren’t balancing each other?

Last week, I was having a deep conversation with a friend about this subject. We were talking about how the two people in a relationship must balance each other.

As we recounted our own experiences and shared them, I got a reaffirmation that this isn’t an easy thing to do…

Of course we hear about how some couples maintain their chemistry even after a long time and how for some, it dwindles away after a while. But then, chemistry is not just about balance.

We also hear of how one partner sacrifices for the other at times and that helps the two grow. Again, sacrifice must never be only about finding a balance.

And then there are anecdotes of how people accommodate to ensure longevity of the relationship. Again, it does help in getting to a balanced state but cannot be the only reason or outcome of the accommodation.

So, what is it then? As I thought more about this in subsequent days, I realised that the balancing force is not just about yin and yang. It’s as much about how the two come together to harness it.

The two individuals may be the best suited as a couple but if they cannot come together in moments of joy and sadness, in times that are difficult and easy, in places that are known and unknown, then they won’t be able to balance.

The two must not only come together but then join hands to harness the situation to their advantage. If and when they do, the forces balance each other and the outcome is one single, determined action. If and when they cannot or don’t, there is a fallout.

I am lucky to have found my counter-balancing force in my wife. She teaches me, supports me, and has my back. I believe, so do I. And that’s why it’s a strong relationship.

Hopefully, we can all find our balancing force, and if we have found one, stick around to see the magic happen!

Childhood Friends!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was special, spent with my first and closest friend from my childhood days.

Special not only because meeting a childhood friend is precious. But also because we met after a longish gap. Last few years were lost to Covid and then my US stint.

Much water passed under the bridge in those years. We grew a few more strands of grey, our children became older, and our parents younger in spirit!

Even then, what was unmistaken was our bonding. We still got each other instantly. It didn’t feel like we were meeting after so long.

We were aided by the comfort of spending time with each other without hurry. It didn’t feel rushed because it wasn’t just for a few hours. We were staying in the same house, with our families, doing things together.

Those are the best things that I cherish about all of my childhood friendships. The bonds, the comfort, the trust, and the ease of being around.

It doesn’t feel shaky ever. Even if we don’t meet often.

It doesn’t feel difficult to continue being in touch. Even if we haven’t talked on the phone for a while.

It doesn’t feel that we have moved apart. Even though we have come a long way.

And it doesn’t ever feel like effort. Seems like our own self.

Sometimes I think if someone had told me all of these things when I was growing up, I could have formed more such friendships.

Then, I realize that I am lucky I have a few of these friendships from my school and college days still going strong.

Thankfully!!!

My Tribe…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We live our lives surrounded by people. Some close, some just acquaintances.

It is very rarely though that we think about how those who are close to us are playing a great supporting role in propping us up.

Everyday. Every month. Every year hopefully.

I just finished reading Andre Agassi’s biography, Open. It is a good book, he comes out quite honestly about everything he had to go through to be the player he was.

One big thing that however has stuck with me was the mention of how he built his team, his tribe. And how important he considered them in his life, going to the extent of depending on them even in the most sensitive and difficult situations.

As I reflected on this revelation, it seemed to me that we mere mortals don’t do this enough.

We don’t think about our tribe enough. Or how important they are and how we need to keep them closer.

Going back to my own experiences, I realise now that places where I had an amazing set of people around me, I did amazingly well there.

In middle school, when in quick succession, I changed schools thrice in three years and didn’t have my good friends with me, I struggled to do my best. Then, as I moved to high school, I found an amazing set of friends and those years were way better.

In my work life too, places that got the best of me, including my first job and a couple of others, I had a great set of people around me. Whom I worked with, became friends with, and hung out with. That positivity reflected in my work at those places. And vice versa.

The biggest lift I have seen however has been in my personal life. Whenever I have drifted away from those who are close to me, physically or mentally, I have suffered.

Conversely, when I have paid attention to keep them close and given importance to what they say and how they keep me honest, I have flourished. Not just once but multiple times.

And so, to me this makes a lot of sense! Keep your tribe together.

And hopefully, as years go by, that bond yields much more than what went into forging it…

Filling the void…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Raj was sitting on the bench at the hospital. He had just heard the worst news possible.

His mom, aged all of sixty five, was in the last stages of her life, fighting a debilitating disease. She had been diagnosed with brain tumour recently and there was nothing much the doctors could do this late. The tumour had already spread to a large part of her brain.

As he sat, looking at the wall in front of him, and contemplating the future, he heard some commotion.

At the other end of the corridor, an emergency case had just come in. A lady, almost the same age as his mother, had just been rushed in.

She had met with an accident and suffered multiple injuries. A passerby had got her to the hospital and they were going to operate on her.

As he heard news about her condition, he felt a sudden emotion. A lady, his mom’s age, who was absolutely fine, was fighting for her life because of someone else’s mistake. He could relate this to his mom’s condition, who until a month ago had no inkling about her deadly disease.

Over the next few days, as he attended to his mom, he also kept track of the other lady. There was no one who had come forward as her next of kin. It was surprising but quite possible.

He decided in his mind that he would befriend this unnamed and unknown lady, once her condition improves. Not for any other reason but to give her company at this juncture in her life. For she needed it, just as his mom needed his support through this trial.

He told his mom about the entire episode and she was very supportive. After all, she knew that Raj’s heart was in the right place. She was proud of his feelings.

A couple of months passed by. Raj’s mom’s condition was only worsening and the doctors had no hope. They asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her days at home and she readily agreed. Leaving the unknown lady, still in a coma, behind. But Raj kept checking on her condition frequently.

Then one day, as he came in to his mom’s room, she looked at him for the last time and passed away. Raj knew this was coming but was still overwhelmed. He completed her last rites and bid her adieu.

Once the ceremonies ended, the next day he was again at the hospital. Sitting outside the intensive care unit, where the unknown lady was.

Waiting for her to awaken from her slumber!

Waiting to fill the void that was left in his life…

The Team Spirit.

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Three years to date, I called up my partner at my previous firm. I had decided to take up a new role.

I had been looking for a new challenge for sometime. And when I got something that made sense for me to pursue, I dialled up my manager’s no.

It was a direct conversation. He as well as the senior partner offered me some food for thought but I was clear about the move and it was both personally and professionally making sense for me. So, eventually we agreed amicably about the separation.

However, what I had not thought about was my team and how they would feel. And how I would feel about the fact that I was moving out, after having hired quite a few of them myself and having managed them for a while.

After running with this conflict in my head for a couple of days, I decided to be upfront about it. I called up each person on the team, breaking the news to them and talking about why I was moving on from what we had signed up for together.

Most folks accepted and wished me well. Some were surprised and told me that they would have wanted to continue working together for longer. I am sure, some thanked their stars for good riddance as well!

My heart wasn’t still contented. I had this guilty feeling about leaving those team members in the middle of an unfinished journey. With some of them, I had spent just shy of five years. It troubled me for a few days.

Then, I remembered those times when someone in the team, who I absolutely wanted in, had decided to move on. It was always difficult to let go but I was never one to hold back anyone. It had pinched me but work never stopped.

And I realised that while I was going out of the equation, work that my team was doing won’t stop. That they will continue to excel. I need not be guilty but should go out with the confidence of having done good by them.

With my worries put to rest, I enjoyed those last few days with my colleagues and friends and moved on to a new path. We remain in touch and with quite a few of them, I have maintained a great bonhomie.

Recalling those days and what came of all that time spent together is something I still cherish today and will continue to in the future. We may have moved in different directions but that team spirit lingers on somewhere…

The Cycle of Parental Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Friends

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I am not referring to the sitcom which had a reunion recently. I am talking about the real people in our lives, who make it real and fun.

1st August is celebrated as Friendship Day in India. As I got up today and saw some messages floating in, I was reminded of it. Curiously, I googled about its history and was surprised to note that it was initiated as a commercial gimmick in the 1920’s.

While it has taken more concerted efforts in parts of the world to commemorate the bonds of friendship / fellowship, I for one was taken aback by the origination story. Someone, somewhere had to thoughtfully create this day to help us all get reminded of one of the most important groups of people in our lives!

So, after sending greetings to friends across different groups, which is a newly adopted custom by most of us in this day and age of social media, I sat down reminiscing about my friends and the way they affected my life.

I had the privilege of studying in multiple places and hence had a new set of friends every few years. I had friends who were living in the neighbourhood, those who were in the school with me, and those whom I knew because of the social circle my family had.

And it was fun because while I made new friends every time I moved places, I also had an old set of friends whom I maintained communication with. So, while new bonds were built, there were old ones which made me feel special, every time I received a letter or a phone call in those days from an old friend.

A few of those friendships formed instantly, some of those built up over the years I spent with them, and some others blossomed in later parts of my life. But one thing was common – they all helped me evolve and become the person I am today.

The biggest thing for me though was and has been – friends always make me feel real and alive. Give me the assurance that there are people out there who care for me or will stand by me.

And yet, only a few of those I remain in touch with now regularly. They are the ones whom I forged special bonds with, which have stood the test of time. Some of the others are forgotten in the strands of time, in the vagaries of life, or in the ashes of the past.

However, as I sent those messages today, I realised that in the rigamarole of life, I have been sometimes guilty. Of not being in touch. Of not following up. Of taking things for granted.

Perhaps, it happened naturally and due to specific alignments during various phases of my life, nevertheless that is the truth.

Perhaps, some of them can still be rekindled. Time to give it a nudge and try then…

And more importantly, to continue being in touch with those whom I have been talking to and nurture those bonds!

The Community Feeling…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been almost one and a half years…

Since we huddled together in an office space for a meeting or gathering of the team and had disagreements and shared jokes while devouring coffee and tea.

Since we travelled together with a group of people for a trip and had a whale of a time in a new place along with them.

Since we had big celebrations or a party with friends and family where we threw caution to the winds.

Since we traveled comfortably in a public conveyance, including flights, accidentally meeting other people and making acquaintances.

Since children had a class in their school and had fun in the playgrounds or sang songs while being in the school bus.

Since housewives had their kitty parties in a club or at someone’s place, chatting up about anything and everything.

Well, for most of us!

I can go on and on with the list. The moot point though is, we have been missing the social in the animal within us. And that animal is now coming out in the open.

Sometimes, having been in isolation for so long, not able to find its rhythm in the usual social milieu.

Or sometimes being too aggressive and wanting it’s own way, come what may, as is the wont at home.

Or sometimes not knowing who to hobnob with and what to do in a new place or setting that’s unsettling.

And this is creating a void so big that it’s almost unnatural.

For as long as we have written history about our race, humans have been socially active and prospered with one another.

However, this pandemic has pulled those threads apart. In some cases, those threads have been torn or badly damaged. In some others, they are just about hanging in there.

And that’s causing a strain in relations, in companionship, in understanding other humans, in building and sustaining trust, and in a lot of other things as well.

It is a bad situation to be in. For us as individuals and as a society.

The solution, in my opinion, is that we need to remind ourselves to re-engage and re-discover others where required and to believe in and have trust in each other as much as we can. Most importantly, be our 2019 or earlier self when we are able to go out again safely, and behave and react normally.

So that, we don’t lose the most intricate and nuanced aspects of our being – our ability to form bonds and friendships and build communities, which foster our lives and our growth throughout that life!

That Small Town Feeling…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I grew up in small towns in the central state of MP in India. It was fun. It was also a lovely time and a great atmosphere to grasp the worldly ways!

For us, going to school was always a 5-10 min bicycle ride – rushing like hell in the early morning and loitering around with friends to make it back home in 30-40 mins in the afternoon. Many school friends used to stay in the same neighbourhood and were known to families, or in most cases not further than 1 or 2 kms, so going to play with them was also quite easy in the evenings.

Traffic was less. We always had playgrounds and clear paths and roads to walk, run and cycle on. I remember we used to play hide and seek on our bicycles with the entire neighbourhood of 1 sq. km. as the play area, riding like crazy into the various lanes and bylanes. Or played cricket in the bylanes till late without too many disturbances. Or played street games for hours together.

The neighbourhood was always buzzing with community events. People staying in a locality had their own ways of going about their daily lives and mingling with one another, cooperating on every small matter to support each other. Those on evening walks would walk up and down the entire neighbourhood and meet people at designated spots to chat a little. And ofcourse there were the parks and benches around them, filled with all age groups going about their activity of interest.

With everything within accessible distance, everyday chores were never a botheration. Get out and walk or ride a little and we would get to the place we intended to. Markets and shops were known so it was very easy to get things done quickly. And without any mad rush, except for festival times, we could go around and return with all to-do tasks completed in an hour’s time!

There weren’t many cinema halls or entertainment options and with television just starting to catch up and cable/satellite tv just launched, it was a common scene to see people from 2-3 houses huddled into one place to watch the daily soap operas or news or the sunday afternoon movie. In fact, going to the cinema hall was probably a quarterly event, with most of us relying on VCRs and VHS tapes to catch up on movies.

In short, life was simple and stress-free, full of happiness and laughter. Not just for us children but also for adults I observed. People used to be back home by early evening and had all the time to spend with their families. There was more in-person catch-up and it was usual for even uncles and aunties to gather together in the evening in groups for a cup of tea and some chit-chat. Meals were always a full family affair, with everyone enjoying each other’s company and talking about myriad things.

As I look back at those times with fondness, I miss them a lot. All of those small things taught us as children how to enjoy the simple things in life. It taught us the importance of bonding with others and working with people unlike ourselves to meet the common objectives. The community feeling instilled in us a great pride of belongingness and friendship, helping each other in times of need. And all the time spent with others made us care and understand more.

I don’t know about the cities and how they functioned then, but I am sure from whatever I have heard from some of my friends who grew up in bigger cities, they had some of these elements in common. Life was quieter and routines less punishing. And with lesser number of people, they managed pretty well in all the hustle and bustle surrounding them.

As we have grown rapidly over the past few years and urbanized with double the speed, that simplicity has been lost somewhere. Cities have transformed themselves to an always on, rush inducing mesh. Towns have grown bigger and busier. People have moved out or have been displaced, filling old places with new entrants. They have also become less forgiving and more self-focused.

All of this has led to a complete change in the way a child sees the world today. Gone is the simplistic view of the world. Children today grow up watching their parents and family members go through every day stress. They themselves hustle and bustle their way through a day with school, multiple classes, attention divided by personal gadgets, and so on. There is less time for bonding with others and too much time focused on oneself. Communities are a forgotten concept or reduced to small dwellings or apartments. And care and understanding for others has been reduced to a rubble.

It isn’t encouraging. With such a world view that a child sees in her early days, it is but natural for her to be self-focused and less accomodating. She likes to be on her own rather than mingle with others. And with everyone in the house busy with something or the other, it is the loneliness that engulfs her space which reduces the strengths of the bonds she has with her own family.

Time for us to think about the kind of future we want for ourselves and for our kids…

Near yet far…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The highlight of my week was Missus and Daughter returning after a couple of months at my in-laws. It was an anticipated event for some time now, with the return planned earlier this month, but the sheer high of seeing them in person after 2 months was indeed exhilirating.

I met them at the airport and as we spent time talking about all sorts of things on the way back home, it was refreshing to have that familiar buzz back in my life. And it reinforced my thoughts from earlier this week where coincidentally, I had personal conversations with a couple of colleagues and friends around the theme of family and their closely knit nature. We had discussed about how as a family we always strive to stay close and together but sometimes it becomes necessary to move out to a different place for professional or personal reasons. And how that impacts the bonds within the family.

As I reflected back on those conversations and my own experience over the weekend, it occurred to me that most of us by design want to stay close by, in a comfort zone. That allows us to predictably live our lives and be the support system to our family that we want to be. That’s our basic necessity, to be loved and cared for, and to love and care for others we are bonded with.

However, there comes a time (or some times) in our lives, when we are left with no choice but to separate from them for a given period, owing to work or studies or any other personal matters. And when that happens, how we keep that bond strong constitutes a great deal of how the family functions in the years to come.

I have seen it first hand. My father was in a banking job and had to move every 2-3 years. In the initial years of his service, when I was young, he always moved to new places alone, preferring to leave us in our home town with the extended family. Ofcourse it helped that we had a joint family and everyone was closely knit. But I sometimes wonder how he managed to serve his work requirements and still place family on top priority to ensure that they always had him nearby whenever needed. That is one of the reasons why we are still as closely knit as a joint family even today, although everyone stays in different places.

Today, with a better connected world, a lot of us travel and stay for work in a different place, leaving our families behind, as an accepted practice. However, we as individuals or as a society, often neglect the long term consequences of this movement to our family life. Be it the warmth and shelter that a family home provides, or the cosy feeling generated by being near our loved ones, or the simple fact of having someone to talk to, we do miss a lot in life.

Some of these are things that we often let go in our quest for a better life or career. We console ourselves that it is only for a few days/months/years and we will go back to a better life. And with all the communication tools to talk, see and hear each other, it is just like normal. However, it is not the same. Being in person as opposed to being virtually present isn’t always the same thing. Specially, when it comes to families.

With the kind of busy lives we lead these days, as time passes by and everyone gets busy, somewhere priorities shift. Perspectives change. Bonds start becoming weak or breaking up. Until we make an extra effort to keep up the normalcy and the intricate bonds connected. Or we build a ground to stand up on together, near yet far.

Or better still, we move our families (or ourselves) nearer, to partake in the new life we are creating for ourselves and for them…