Children

Personal Achievements

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We as parents are never behind in taking pride in our children and their achievements. Whatever may be the field in which they accomplished something.

But there are only a handful of times when we aren’t expecting but feel pride in our children because of how they proved themselves.

This week was one such experience for both of us…

The occassion was our daughter’s first term assessment and the ensuing meeting with the teachers. When we had got the assessment and read through it, we were surprised by some observations. Some of the other details we read through, not realizing their import.

So, as we went to meet the teachers, there was some amount of apprehension about how our daughter was doing in general. At least within me.

But as we started talking to the teachers, we realized that our daughter was doing much better than what we could gather by reading the report. I was pleasantly surprised!

The feedback we got from the teachers was not only encouraging but also a relief. The little one (well, not so little anymore!) had shown improvement in most aspects of her work through the last few months. From a place of just being ok, she was doing much better.

Hidden inside the earlier apprehension was the question of whether she had adjusted to the higher grade well and is she able to cope up. The revelation was emphatic – she had not just adjusted well, she was doing more than expected in certain aspects.

As parents, that was a moment of pride. I felt as if there was some hidden force that had propelled our daughter to a higher state. My wife felt as if she was coming into her own, well guided all around her.

As we walked out of the school after those meetings, we couldn’t help but smile. Our daughter had gone beyond what we were expecting, and it felt strangely satisfying. As if we had achieved all those things.

Perhaps, that’s how we as parents feel and partake in our child’s world. Their achievements and success feels as personal as anything could…

Toddler days…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There is a child within all of us. I have heard it often but got reminded about it quite strongly this week…

The last time I had a toddler in my arms was when I spent time with my niece earlier this year. But as it was during my cousin’s wedding, those moments came and went, not completely registering themselves.

This week however the experience was more absolute. We had my brother-in-law and his family over for a few days. His younger son, all of fifteen months, was the center of attraction.

I was meeting him for the second time. The first one was for a short while and he hadn’t started walking then. This time however, he was raring to go.

Having adjusted to the surroundings quickly, he was on the lookout for fun. And I, eager to make friends with him, started playing along. The next three days, as he spent time with us, I grabbed a lot of opportunities to become a child again.

It was amazing. Doing things not worrying about how it looked. Talking in a childish accent or playing kids games with him felt normal. And liberating!

It reminded me of the days I spent with my daughter when she was younger. How I would spend time with her doing things which only made sense to the two of us. How we would find joy in little things, not worried about others in the world around us.

It also reminded me of my own early childhood days. I don’t remember a whole lot of those moments but whenever I hear anecdotes about my childhood, those days feature prominently. Perhaps a reflection of how the memories of early days of our kids get imprinted in our minds.

My daughter, observing the fun I was having, commented that she wished I could be so with her too now. Her feelings touched me deep inside and brought out my guilt.

That guilt prompted a number of discussions around the memories we had when she was younger. Leaving us all laughing and reliving those days.

While I was able to assure her that I was as playful with her as she was observing me being, I also realised that in the flow of life, I have probably become too drab with her generally.

Time for me to change then. She is all of ten, so I still have time to do a lot of fun things with her. And hopefully create many more fun memories for her and us to relive later in life…

Native connection

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I am a big proponent of using our native languages in regular settings. It’s a big part of our culture. And identity.

There have been quite a few discussions at the workplace and at home, where I have taken the side of the native language.

I feel it is incumbent upon each one of us, as an inheritor of our rich culture(s) and traditions, to embed them into our daily lives. So that we carry on with the torch before passing it to the next generation.

Naturally, we have enrolled our daughter to learn Hindi as the additional language of choice at the school. It’s one way to provide her a structured environment to grasp the details.

This week, when we visited her school for a parents-teachers meet, I expected her Hindi teacher to talk to us about how we should encourage her to do more in Hindi. She did that but she also talked about another important aspect that stuck with me.

She talked about how through our native language children connect with their roots and how it shapes their association with the family, especially as they grow through teenage into adulthood.

While I was quite impressed by what she said and how she did so, what stuck me more was that our mother tongue forms a core part of our identity.

As I looked back at my own childhood and teenage, I realised that my tryst with Hindi, the times spent listening to stories from my grandmother, reading Hindi comic books, the countless fun conversations we had around the house in our mother tongue, all of them helped shape me.

More importantly, they connected me to my roots. To my family. And that has stayed with me all my life.

I don’t feel the same level of connectedness when I talk in English today. Not that I consider English to be a second grade citizen, but it doesn’t have the same effect. It feels neutral.

I know it’s not easy. The environment today around us in Indian cities is geared towards English. Our kids have multi-cultural influences and friends, and therefore English becomes the common ground to connect.

But if I don’t make the effort, at least at home, to use our mother tongue, the native connection that I built with my roots may not happen with my daughter.

So while I do want her to be fluent in English and be ready for the future, I also want her to be connected to her roots, natively…

Rewinding the clock

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It all began a decade ago. I was holding you in my arms for the first time.

It was such an overwhelming moment for me that I couldn’t help but cry. To memorialize that moment, I even wrote down a post.

This year, you turn 10! You arenow on the cusp of teenage.

These ten years seem to have gone by with a lot of fun and emotional moments with you, but also a few filled with guilt and remorse.

There have been times when we have wondered when will you grow up. And then a lot of times when we realize that once you grow up, we will miss the days we have lived through your childhood.

At this decadal juncture, I thought it’s a good milestone for me to reflect back on how I have done as a parent. And what would I do differently if I went back ten years. So, here are some things I would like to change.

I should have been more expressive. About my love for you. I say it often but not enough times. I have subconsciously thought of it as an evident phenomenon but it needs to be reinforced more than I think.

I should have been more patient. With you. And with myself. There have been times my impatience has led me to actions that I have instantly regretted. An angry moment, an unnecessary scolding. Some of those could have definitely been avoided.

I should have been more sensitive. In trying to get you to be disciplined, I have sometimes jumped the gun and forced the matter. I should have handled those moments with a lot more maturity.

I should have assumed more ignorance. Even on things I know enough about. Because, the joy of discovery and exploration is unbridled. And I, as your father, ought to nurture it at all times and give you more chances than I probably gave.

I should have been more specific. About my intentions in a given situation. Sometimes, I have come across as overbearing, without realizing that my intention isn’t clear to you and instead, has hurt or irritated you.

There are many more, I am sure.

Although the time that’s gone by, won’t return. Those deeds and memories I can never forget. But the times to come, can change.

So, dear daughter, when you do read this, now or later, remember that your dad is trying his best to be good at this parenting stuff. It’s my first time doing this.

What I ask of you is to hold me to these commitments for the next ten years. And the next, and the next…

No Hangups

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is so easy to say this. But so difficult to process and practice!

We adults struggle with this most of our life. There’s always something that bothers us so much that we get hung up about it.

Children, on the other hand, are amazing! They somehow have this gift of letting go. And not holding onto feelings for long.

They teach us so much…

This last week, there were a couple of instances which literally opened my eyes.

My nephew has been around our place for a month. Just six years old, the boy has had to contend with me, the disciplinarian. And while that’s not been easy, he has displayed good character being away from his parents.

One of the days, he got a good scolding from me. His natural reaction was to cry, and even after consoling him, he didn’t feel like talking to me. Eventually, he slept off without a chat.

I was feeling quite bad about it. I could have gone soft that one time. Or I could have tried harder to normalise the situation. Because he slept off without talking, I couldn’t sleep well.

The next morning, I woke up and he came over. I thought he would still be sad about the previous night. But he was absolutely normal!

I couldn’t believe it. But for him, it was as if nothing had happened. Or it was something he had taken in his stride and moved on.

I could not have…

In another instance, I saw my daughter getting distraught at him for something. She was pretty miffed and it seemed they wouldn’t play together that day. But after an hour, things had normalised and they were back to their usual selves.

As I reflected on this behavior, I realized that kids just live in the moment. Neither do they harbour any ill feelings, nor do they think too much about the past. It is we who teach them to do so.

Only to regret later that they should have remained the same all their life…

#TheBestParent

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all want to be one. It’s almost like a badge of honour to be declared “The Best Dad” or “The Best Mom”.

We still falter. In some way or the other. And end up with a literal sob story.

What is it about parenting that is so complex? Last couple of weeks, I have grappled with this question.

My daughter, for the record, believes I am doing better than before. Yet, there are times when I am sure she wonders if everything is alright with me!

We both, father and daughter, have our highs. We agree on most things, give each other space to express ourselves, and respect the other’s opinions. When those moments pass by, I am left wondering how did we manage it.

We obviously have our lows. Which usually end up in I getting frustrated or angry, and she getting sad or upset. They happen randomly at times and almost seem orchestrated on other occasions, leaving us baffled about what just happened.

With a growing kid, it’s always a struggle to achieve these highs. It was far easier when she was younger, would just look up to us before doing anything. Now she has her own opinions and sometimes we end up clashing.

Back to the question: as I reflected on the last year or so of my behaviour, I realised that the root cause of the complexity stems from the fact that I have lived my life with a different framework than what is needed today.

It is easier to say this than to change myself or to adapt to changes I am expected to consider normal. After all, the frameworks I have were built a couple of decades ago!

What worked then doesn’t work now. So, we are constantly working on changing the paradigm and our frameworks. But this change takes time.

On the other hand, our kid’s expectations from his or her parents keep on evolving. Every few weeks.

And then, when we haven’t changed enough or are barely getting to the agreed upon expectations off us, the kid’s expectations have moved on. Goading us to catch up.

On some days, we win over this change or at least manage to overcome the chasm. That day we are the best parent.

On the other days, well…

Lost in Translation

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Aamir was excited. It was his grandparent’s first visit to the US.

His parents had migrated to the US when he was six years old and he had grown up in the developed world.

They had travelled to India in the last five years only once, for a short trip. His grandparents had never been outside India and ran into some visa issues, which prevented them from coming over earlier.

As their arrival inched closer, his anticipation grew. He had some fond memories of spending his early years with them, while still in India. And while they had kept in touch through video calls, most of those conversations were for a few minutes only.

He planned for their trip with much anticipation. There were quite a few places he wanted to take them around to. And wanted them to meet his friends.

The day they landed, he made sure to finish all his homework and be ready for receiving them. When he first saw them, he ran over and hugged them. They were also elated to see him and held him close.

Over the next couple of days, as their jet lag veered off, Aamir got more time with them. He realised that while they were fine with talking in English for short sentences, they weren’t very comfortable.

He had barely used his mother tongue, Hindi, over the last few years! Even at home, his parents hadn’t bothered talking in Hindi and so, he had lost touch with the language.

This fact troubled him. It wasn’t just that he couldn’t talk to his grandparents fluently but also because most conversations had no meaning without either of them understanding the other well.

At first, Aamir withdrew into a shell. He deliberately avoided long chats, instead using short words or signals and head nods. It got him past most things and was the easier way out.

A week into the practice however, he realized that this wasn’t going to help him. It would also reduce the joy his grandparents would experience. Resolving to remedy the situation, he hit upon an idea.

The next day, as he woke up, he loaded a translation app and started using it to frame questions and replies for his chats with them. At first, it was awkward. But then, observing that his grandparents were visibly happier talking to him, he persisted.

He also requested them to help him with common words and phrases, and to teach him in his spare time. With the help of the app and his grandparents, things became much fluent and simple.

Over the next few weeks, as his grandparents’ trip progressed, Aamir executed his planned itinerary for them. He became their local guide and also took them around to meet with his friends, acting like a translator for those small chats.

By the time his grandparents left, Aamir had earned two things. Pride of his grandparents and a small vocabulary of Hindi words to use when needed…

Play Time

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Juhi was sitting with a sad face on the park bench. Alone.

Her friends had just gone back home but she still had to wait for a while. Her mom was outside for a quick grocery run and her dad was in the gym adjacent to the park.

At first, when her friends were leaving, she thought she could play for some more time. But then she realized playing alone in the park didn’t interest her.

So, she just sat down at a bench. Watching a couple of younger kids play near the slides.

The sadness wasn’t because her friends had gone back. It was because she thought she had more play time on hand.

Her dad saw her there sitting all alone and signalled for her to come over.

Juhi always wanted to use the gym equipment but being all of 10 years, her dad had asked her not to do so. He had explained to her that it’s not safe for little children to use these complex equipment and she had understood.

So, when today he motioned for her to come in, she was a bit surprised. However, not liking the feeling of sitting alone, she got up and walked over to the gym.

When she went nearby her dad, she felt a strong urge to hug him. Usually that meant a big thank you! Today, it meant she needed him to listen to her.

Her dad sat her down and when she spoke, he instantly understood that the reduced play time had played spoilsport with her mood.

He had almost finished his workout, so indulging her, he proposed that they play a few rounds of table tennis together. Juhi’s eyes lit up.

She had not played the game much. However, the prospect of getting some more play time with her dad was quite enticing.

That evening was one of the best ones Juhi had for a while. They only played for about 20 minutes but those moments made her enjoy and laugh much more than usual.

As they wound up and headed back home, Juhi hugged her dad again for a big thank you. He had made her evening fun.

That little extra play time was all she had needed…

“Exposed”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up in small town India was a lot of fun. Specially during the summer holidays.

Almost all of my summer holidays were spent at home or with grandparents and cousins. It however meant that I often didn’t go beyond those places, neither did I get exposed to new things.

This changed rapidly during my high school years. Didn’t happen inorganically or because someone elder decided that I needed exposure. It was rather organic and spontaneous, even circumstantial.

Post my 10th class exams, I decided to accompany my cousins to Delhi. Alone, without my parents.

Although I had been to Delhi earlier with my parents, now I was a teenager and it felt liberating to go live with them alone. My parents somehow were quite comfortable and allowed me to explore.

My cousins also, sensing my excitement, let me be. We roamed around quite a bit, saw some of the iconic landmarks of the city, and ate at some good places. It was when I took to reading novels in a single sitting and quite surprisingly, finished quite a few of them.

That was my first exposure to big city life, in all its glory and shame. Some tough lessons in that trip!

Next summer, after finishing my 11th class exams, my maternal uncle and my father prodded me to attend a Military School camp. Something that aligned well with my ambitions to join the forces, and to which I readily agreed.

It was the first time I stayed in a hostel and experienced that life. Being on your own forces you to learn rapidly. It is radically different and exposed me to the good, the bad, and the ugly among the crowd.

Again, in all its glory and shame, I learnt to live on my own and read people a little better. I also learnt many life lessons, that are embedded in the conscious and subconscious mind.

That same year, I went over to help my cousins move their home and spent days helping them pack and unpack. Although it was relatively easier, I had never assumed such responsibility during our own moves from one place to another, and it offered me multiple lessons.

That real world interaction, in a new location, again proved to be rich in exposure. It also allowed me to explore a place that I had been to earlier with my parents, only this time in a different light.

All these opportunities not only exposed me to new stuff, but also proved helpful later on as I branched out on my own. If I wouldn’t have been in those situations, it would have taken me longer to find my groove later.

Today, as a parent, when I think of how many things our daughter is getting exposed to, and the pace at which it is happening, I am amazed. And yet, it is also a realisation that all these experiences shouldn’t just help her see a new world but also learn aspects of life that she wouldn’t get to just being at home.

Something to keep a note for this new year and beyond!

Growing up Fun.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are fun. But only when they are small.

Is what I used to think. Until a while back.

As our daughter is growing up, watching her actions and reactions is proving to be a great source of amusement. And learning. In the right way.

This week, there were two instances when I saw my own little self in her. It was both surprising and fun.

The first one was when she was prepping up for her sports day at school. Watching her get ready for participation, I was motivating her to give it her best without worrying about the result. It brought back memories of my early years when my parents used to play that role for me.

In the second instance, while on vacation, it was bemusing to see her reactions toward younger kids around us. She was giggling at their behaviour and quietly watching how their parents were acting around. But also commenting on what she liked or not about what she saw.

It was as if she was suddenly older now. Worrying about the stuff us older beings have on our mind. Aware of things around her that much more, privy to how people behave and how others react to it all.

There have been multiple such instances in the last couple of years where she has left us speechless with a most common sensical take on a topic. Or when she will utter something funny, knowingly, leaving us laughing our guts out.

The discussions we have now have also evolved. From the most basic stuff to complex phenomena, she questions me on myriad things in and around us. Some known, some left to Google, nah Perplexity, to answer.

The conversations are much more deeper. About how things work, what others feel, why certain decisions are taken, and so on. And not just from a perspective of knowing about it but debating about why it must be so, or whether it is good or bad, right or wrong.

It’s also been a lesson for me on how to understand what will work or not in any given situation and how should I be prepared with alternatives to offer her. Probably a good start considering her upcoming teenage years.

But ultimately, it is all great fun. To be with, to observe and learn from, and to be partners in crime with.

So, yes, I happily accept I was wrong. And it’s such a delight to be around her and watch her grow!