Children

Circle of life

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Hello! It’s me. You may not recognize me but I am your child. It’s just that I am still an embryo…

I was conceived a few days back and am eagerly awaiting my journey through the next few months to come into this world as a fully formed human. In this time, I am sure I will develop myself into a baby and when I come out I will be the apple of your eyes.

I know, you will already be wishing for me! I am surely excited about the prospect of meeting you, my parents.

*****

I got worried the other day, when I heard someone close enough to you whispering slowly, “Are you wishing for a girl or a boy”? I didn’t get the reference. Is it that me being a boy or a girl will in any way lessen my importance in your life?

What does a boy or a girl even mean? Is it supposed to denote someone who is or isn’t wanted? Or accepted? Or constrained?

Oh, I heard someone call you also a girl, Mom! So does it mean you are also a girl? We could both have so much fun! Not to keep dad away, I believe he loves you so much. And if he loves you, he will love me also I am sure. So, we will be a happy family.

*****

I finally came out into the world today. Yooohooo!!!

I cannot see much, it’s all hazy. But I could feel the tears rolling down your eyes onto my face and the kisses dad showered on me when he took me in his arms for the first time. And I heard some words of praise. I am one lucky girl.

Thankfully, all my fears were just figments of my imagination. I am your girl…

*****

It’s been a few days that I started going to school. My day at school is always amazing. I meet so many friends!

I remember on my first day, I was so sad when you and dad dropped me in the morning. However, once you left, I got curious to see so many other kids, just like me there. We all played and enjoyed together. And now, going to school is my favorite thing to do.

*****

Ma, it’s been one hell of a ride, this last year at school. We were all so sad letting each other go onto different paths we have chosen in our lives. I am particularly sad about the two best friends I have had for all my life. We have vowed to stay in touch forever.

At the same time, I am so excited to go to college and have new experiences. I know, you will be sad seeing me go but don’t worry. I am going to keep coming back every few months. And I am sure dad and you will visit me more often than not. After all, none of you can have enough of me even after 18 years 🙂

*****

Dad, it’s my pleasure to invite you and mom to my graduation ceremony. I am passing top of my class and have also got a job offer, to join work a couple of weeks post college.

Can we please plan a holiday right after it too? I want to spend time with you both before I join work.

Your loving daughter…

Mom, Dad: I am so thankful to you for raising me the way you did. I know you both feel proud of me and I promise to prove you right in every way I can

*****

Dad, I am so happy that I am getting married today. And glad you both agreed with my choice!

I am sure I have the best parents in the world. I know, I haven’t spent a lot of time with you both over the past couple of years. I can blame it all on work and being with my Prince Charming.

But no, it isn’t just that. I should have taken out more time over the last few years but I didn’t. Hoping I learn from this mistake and spend more time with you both in years to come…

*****

It’s been ten years since my marriage. My parents have aged beautifully. And I have been able to live up to my promise of spending time with them.

Today, when I told them that I am going to be a mother soon, they had the same tears of joy that I had experienced when I was a baby. I am sure, I will experience the same emotion when my baby comes out.

And I will provide for her the best possible of everything. For, she will be the apple of my eyes. And we will be a happy family…

The Cycle of Parental Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Unstructured structures

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up, there were so many fun things that I (and by extension other kids around me) did.

All, well most of them, were unstructured. We didn’t plan for it or specially took out time for specific things.

Instead, we were allowed to let things flow. If our heart desired to go out and play, we did that. If we wanted to be ensconced within our home and play indoors, we did that.

No one guided us or pushed us to structure ourselves. Our parents didn’t ask us to enrol in classes or pursue specific interests. We were left to our own devices.

As we grew up, some of us naturally picked up hobbies or things we liked doing. And enrolled for lessons. Some pursued those lessons seriously while others did it for fun.

But there wasn’t any pressure on us. From any quarters. We were free to do as we pleased. Well, mostly.

When I look back, this unstructured way of growing up allowed me to be a free bird. And without posing any pressure, allowed me to pursue things that I enjoyed during those growing up years.

As I was discussing with a few friends last week, we went into a discussion on how today we are all pushing our children to pursue things in a more structured manner.

I am sure we do it to expose our children to new things and allow them to experience them. In most cases without any pressure, but in some with expectations or a push to get involved seriously.

But are we restricting our children to gain very specific guided experiences instead of the serendipitous encounters we had in our childhood?

Are we, by design, moving them into a more defined and constrained environment? And thereby, reducing the choices they may have?

This approach may help to lower the choices or improve the experiences that our children may get. But is it really going to help them in the long run?

Well, the jury is out. Hopefully will be able to write about it in a couple of decades, looking back further…

Parents

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The most demanding and most satisfying job in the world. That’s how I would describe parenting!

This week, as I went through the motions, this theme recurred time and again. And it made me appreciate what we do and the importance of it all over again.

The first instance was a random discussion with a couple of colleagues. We recalled ourselves growing up. Our parents were strict, frugal, and demanding. But on the other hand, they cared, loved, and nurtured us continuously. We didn’t realize it then, but they shaped us into someone who could go on and find their place in the world.

At that time, it did seem to most of us that we were at the receiving end of our parents. Too many restrictions, too many rules, heavy focus on being upright. A bit of a stretch to say, but we felt as if we were being constrained in many ways. And yet, that taught us the value of many a things. Values which we need to pass on to our kids. Yet,

How do we exercise controls and help build values, knowing fully well that we’re constraining our kids for their own good?

The second instance was an observation with our daughter. She spent a lot of time preparing a card, a booklet, and a gift bag for wifey on mothers day. She had written some wonderful things there and showcased some of her drawing and art skills. But as I read through the booklet, I saw how we have been helping her growth and yet falling short.

Now, I definitely feel that we have become much more pally with our children and have given them more freedom to do things. And that’s helping them make their own choices. But at the same time, I also think we have been shielding her from the world by being too careful.

I remember our parents weren’t so bothered about where we were all the time. Yes, times have changed and it’s become more riskier for kids to be out and about on their own. But I feel we have gone too much to the other side now, which is hurting her growth. And we need to do something about it! So,

How do we provide for various experiences for our kids in a dynamic world and yet ensure a good, wholesome upbringing?

The third instance was a post by a friend, where he wished his mother but also thanked his father. Both of them had played an equal part in his success. As I read through, I realized that it was always this balance that helped shape me. It may not have been possible otherwise.

Not that single parents cannot function at the same level. But even on our best days, it is hard to play a single role. Playing a double role through your life is incredibly difficult and something I wouldn’t wish for anyone.

Coming back, this is something that we don’t appreciate enough. How to play the yin to the yang, the apprentice to the master, the carrot to the stick. For, that balance is what creates different experiences and approaches for the child to learn from and grow. Therefore,

How do we ensure that we can complement our better halves and provide a balance that’s needed to nurture our children?

If you look at the three questions I pose above (in bold), these are all difficult ones. There are many more such demanding questions that we face as parents on an everyday basis.

And yet, we continue to do our best and the most we can in all circumstances. Doing what we think is right for our kids. And taking pride in helping them grow, feeling satisfied in the progress they and we are making…

“Cousins”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

Being a Father.

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

Picture this conversation between my 7.5 year old and her dad who’s 40 (well going to be 41 soon!).

Daughter: “Papa, I want to ask you, is it hard being a father”?

Me: (thinking where this is coming from!) Ahh? Hmm..

Daughter: (believes I didn’t understand) “What I am asking is, is it hard for you being a father”?

Me: (still not knowing how to answer this) “What do you mean”?

Daughter: “Just tell if it is hard for you to be a father along with the other things that you do”.

Me: (trying to given an answer but I still don’t have a good one) “It isn’t hard but sure is difficult”.

Daughter: (with a feeling of I had guessed so) “Hmm..”

Well, I am still reeling from this unspecified scrutiny of my capabilities after 3 days…

What’s the answer? I still don’t know!

What I do know however, is this:

Being a father is a responsibility. Of doing right and guiding right. Of carrying the burden of knowing you aren’t right always. And yet pretending that you are.

Being a father is a life lesson. In how to nurture and shape someone. In how to take pride in your life’s force visible in another being and yet be mindful that the being must not be exactly like you.

Being a father is a chance. To prove to oneself how to become better at things. To prove to others how you can be a better version of yourself.

Being a father is an opportunity. To see how a child evolves to become an adult. And to be a child again at times.

Being a father is a reminder. Of how you are catching up in years. And of how you must devote more time to things that matter.

Being a father is a balancing act. In knowing when to be strict and when to be lenient. In knowing how to deal with issues at home and outside and responding in a fair manner, without your biases kicking in.

Above all, being a father is a blessing. It has allowed me to explore those hidden aspects of myself that I didn’t knew existed. And in observing how my daughter has grown up over the last few years into someone who is caring, mindful, honest, and curious.

Given a chance, would I want to replay the entire of these last few years? Yes, for there are many things I would change. And no, for the memories I have right now are also precious and I wouldn’t want to part with them.

Now that’s a hard question…

No Negotiation Please…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a dreaded word for most of us. We either want to avoid it or at least try to minimise this ‘X’ factor.

This is surprising, considering a lot of things in our lives involve negotiating with others. Be it at work or at home, with outsiders in the market or with insiders within the household.

For some, each such negotiation lends to progress; while for others it is an important aspect of survival. However, no one teaches us negotiating skills or how to do it in a way that leaves us in a good position.

This week, generally observing my daughter made me realise that children are master negotiators and we learn these skills pretty easily early on in life. Sample this exchange between the two of us –

Me: It’s time to sleep, let’s go to bed.

Daughter: No Papa, I want to be awake for some more time as it’s Friday tomorrow. I will have to wake up early on Saturday and Sunday for my classes, so I will anyways have to sleep early.

Me: Hmm. Ok (I didn’t know if I was left with any other argument).

Or this one –

Wife: Come, let’s have a milkshake.

Daughter: No Mumma, I don’t want to. I will have it later because I just ate my lunch some time ago.

Wife: But that was 2 hours ago. Before you go to play, have something.

Daughter: Ok, I will come back in an hour, I promise. (And the conversation had to end).

I observed multiple other kids in the community and was surprised to see almost all of them negotiating well, even if it was for small things.

Whether it was for allowing them to play a bit more, eat chocolates or food they like to, or to do things that someone may be objecting to. It is being used by them almost like a conversation tool, without much ado.

Most of them have learnt these tactics with time, understanding how to navigate the tough corridors their parents create. I am sure, none of us parents have any role to play in it and it’s all their innate abilities coming to the fore.

When I thought back about my childhood, I realised that we weren’t different. We also had mastered this art in those days. Negotiating is one skill that we learnt and practised well.

But then somehow, as we grew up, like those other skills that get left behind, negotiation started being used a lot less as a conversation tool and being looked more as something practiced to win/lose or to gain favours. And when it lost its innocence, it made us start liking or disliking it, depending on how we fared in those ‘adult’ conversations.

As we continued our journey, little did we realise that an important skill that’s a must have and can be a lot of fun was relegated to a good to have and got associated with measuring things or people.

Perhaps, time for us to rethink how to look at negotiation and rekindle the fun memories of the past to bring it back in our lives. Not as a weapon to excel or succeed but simply as a tool to help make our conversations better and more fun…

Roots

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

You can take the (wo)man out of the country but not the country out of the (wo)man. The same is true for most people, Indians more so.

We have one of the largest populations. Combined with a high literacy rate, a lot of us are now spread out into the far reaches of the world. But still then, even if it’s been a few years or a generation that the person may have been out of India, you can still find some resemblances.

This whole week, I have been in London for work and meeting a lot of interesting people from different walks of life. Colleagues who have relocated, friends staying here for more than a decade, strangers working elsewhere who I came across, et al.

It probably is also a bias that I have, that I noticed similarities in the Indian cohort rather than with others. But that’s more because of my limited understanding of those cultures. Anyways, that’s a natural tendency I believe because we are all prone to this bias.

Coming back to the point, I realised that depending on where we have been brought up, how ingrained some of the nuances are in our nature. We may not be intuitively aware of those but if we ponder over it, it’s easy to notice.

So, for adults who were raised in India, the roots are still predominantly there and their beliefs, values, behaviour aligns with the home country more. They may have stayed in a new country for a large part of their adult life but will still associate more with their culture than the new one.

However, it’s not as simple for kids. Those who have been born or brought up overseas and been there most of their lives, they associate more with the new country. And while their parents may still be thoroughly Indian in their outlook, they aren’t.

Good for them if they are going to stay in the adopted country, as it is just so much more easier to acclimatise with the native folks.

It is also a function of how independently the parents let the children evolve as they grow up. Do they still enforce things that they believe in or are they open to new ideas, methods, and cultural traits that the younger one(s) want to adopt.

And this is true not just for people relocating to another country but even to other regions within large countries like India. We often get trapped into the way things are done in our home town and don’t adjust to the new culture, standing out from the crowd.

Not to say that we move away from where we began from but more to highlight the fact that we need to assimilate and evolve. After all, change is the only constant and most times is for the good.

As we all fan out in different directions, sometimes within the country and sometimes outside, and settle down, it is for us to think through and align ourselves with the new. To make our lives less stressful and more fun…

Those welled up eyes!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Handicap – for or against

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was once a man who as a first generation businessman, built a small fortune for himself. As a self-made man, he had seen it all and knew what it took to get to the level that he had risen to.

However, for his children he wanted to leave no stone unturned. So he spent all the energy and money that was required to give them all the comforts of life. They had a good upbringing in a protective environment.

Time passed and as they progressed towards their adult life, the patriarch realised that in giving them a protected environment to mature in, he had done a big disservice to them. They had been handicapped because they didn’t know how to handle difficult situations, specially the adverse ones.

This is a story we would all have heard in some form or shape while growing up. Or as a live lecture from our parents about how it is really important for us to live within particular constraints and understand that it takes effort and patience to get anything in life.

It is this learning that helps us have a balanced approach towards life and wade through the many ups and downs that are thrown at us.

And yet, as we mature and become parents, with those constraints helping us realise the true value of things, we somehow start discounting this major learning.

We aspire to raise our kids with unbridled resources. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent wants the best for their kids and it is but natural for us to also feel and act in that way.

What’s to be balanced though is how to provide them enough freedom to experience tough situations and grow as an individual. Because that is what helps anyone rise up in life even when the chips are down.

That’s the real challenge of parenting today. Caring enough to let the kid have a sheltered environment in a nuclear family. While challenging them enough through handicaps, so that they understand life in its entirety.

And while it may seem like an easy task, I can vouch it isn’t. It’s not only difficult, it’s also taxing and sometimes tumultuous.

But we have got to do what we’ve got to do!