Innocent Age

January 15, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our children are way smarter than we are. Not something that I need to prove but commonly and clearly visible.

What surprises though is the clarity with which they talk and behave…

The other day, I was talking to my eight-and-a-half year old daughter about growing up. I was expecting that she will say something around how she wants to grow up and do her own things. Or perhaps something about what she may want to do when she grows up.

Her answer though surprised me. She said, “I think I am happy being what age I am at right now. I wish I don’t grow up”.

I was slightly taken aback. So, I replied, “Why wouldn’t you want to grow up? Don’t you want to do a few things that you cannot do right now”?

Her clarity shone through in her reply. “Dad, I know when I grow up, there will be many more things that I can do. But I like my life right now more because I can do a lot of things that I won’t be able to do then”.

I was flabbergasted. Hadn’t heard this from her before. Didn’t know where this was coming from. Guess, it was some interaction she may have had or some observation she had made.

Anyways, gathering my wits around me, I continued, “So, you enjoy school and playing with friends, etc”? Her reply was classic, “Not just that but the fact that I don’t have to worry about so many things like you and Mom”.

I couldn’t carry on the conversation any further!

As I sat back and reflected, it was obvious that I didn’t have as much clarity or intelligence about life when I was 8 or even 10. It was also obvious that the kids today are getting exposed to so many more things, which is helping them develop faster.

What really surprised me wasn’t her thoughts but how clearly she could articulate it and convey so much in so less words.

As I continued through the next few days, this conversation kept coming back in my memory. And every time it left a smile on my face.

For, as much as the little girl doesn’t want to grow up, I too wish she remains the same as she does grow up!!!

“Doing it for fun”

November 27, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The past few days, I got to spend time with myself on a pretty scenic drive up and down the pacific highway.

While gazing at the horizon over the Pacific Ocean or driving around the highway with the scenic views giving me company may not qualify as a fun activity for many people, it was for me. There’s something about driving at leisure and spending time doing nothing. Just for fun!

As I spent this time with the family and with myself, I also searched high and low within myself about a few things going on in life off-late. It helped me to reassess my priorities and whether I am doing things that I like to do or those which make me happy.

Later during the weekend, as I spent time with a cousin, we were talking about her passion for art. She is a gifted painter and artist and as we looked at some of the paintings, we questioned her about taking it up as a profession than a hobby. What followed was illuminating for me.

She narrated a few incidents about how she derives pleasure from the art and what she does and while she hasn’t thought about it from a commercial lens, she is happy with how it’s panning out. She was in it for the fun.

This took me back to a conversation I was having with a couple of senior colleagues over lunch a few weeks earlier. We were discussing children and as is usual, the question of their routine came up. The chat was elongated but one thing that shone through for me was the fact that their children were picking and doing things for fun.

Not with any intention or to prove anything. It was just so that they could enjoy the activity and keep doing it as long as they felt good about it. Comparing it with my own daughter’s choices, I could relate to why she was picking up things randomly for some time and giving them up later. Because it probably wasn’t as fun as before.

What’s the point here?

I realized one thing through all these conversations and observations, as well as through the reflection I did while away traveling. That is – we don’t always have to do something with a purpose, it is ok to just pick up a thing for the fun of it. Do it until it lasts, and then move onto something else.

I think over the last few years, I have grown increasingly attached to the notion of why I should or shouldn’t do something. Mostly it is so that I could benefit from it or because I am ready to commit to it for the long term. But what if I sometimes chose things just so that I could enjoy the process and then move on?

Why not pick up a new hobby and try it for a while? Why not start reading a book and if it is not fun, just drop it! Why not pick up a sport, play it for a while and then pick up another? Why not just go on long drives without an agenda whenever it feels like?

This list could be endless. But I am glad I began somewhere these last few days and took some drives and walked some paths that were just for the fun of it…

Circle of life

October 9, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Hello! It’s me. You may not recognize me but I am your child. It’s just that I am still an embryo…

I was conceived a few days back and am eagerly awaiting my journey through the next few months to come into this world as a fully formed human. In this time, I am sure I will develop myself into a baby and when I come out I will be the apple of your eyes.

I know, you will already be wishing for me! I am surely excited about the prospect of meeting you, my parents.

*****

I got worried the other day, when I heard someone close enough to you whispering slowly, “Are you wishing for a girl or a boy”? I didn’t get the reference. Is it that me being a boy or a girl will in any way lessen my importance in your life?

What does a boy or a girl even mean? Is it supposed to denote someone who is or isn’t wanted? Or accepted? Or constrained?

Oh, I heard someone call you also a girl, Mom! So does it mean you are also a girl? We could both have so much fun! Not to keep dad away, I believe he loves you so much. And if he loves you, he will love me also I am sure. So, we will be a happy family.

*****

I finally came out into the world today. Yooohooo!!!

I cannot see much, it’s all hazy. But I could feel the tears rolling down your eyes onto my face and the kisses dad showered on me when he took me in his arms for the first time. And I heard some words of praise. I am one lucky girl.

Thankfully, all my fears were just figments of my imagination. I am your girl…

*****

It’s been a few days that I started going to school. My day at school is always amazing. I meet so many friends!

I remember on my first day, I was so sad when you and dad dropped me in the morning. However, once you left, I got curious to see so many other kids, just like me there. We all played and enjoyed together. And now, going to school is my favorite thing to do.

*****

Ma, it’s been one hell of a ride, this last year at school. We were all so sad letting each other go onto different paths we have chosen in our lives. I am particularly sad about the two best friends I have had for all my life. We have vowed to stay in touch forever.

At the same time, I am so excited to go to college and have new experiences. I know, you will be sad seeing me go but don’t worry. I am going to keep coming back every few months. And I am sure dad and you will visit me more often than not. After all, none of you can have enough of me even after 18 years 🙂

*****

Dad, it’s my pleasure to invite you and mom to my graduation ceremony. I am passing top of my class and have also got a job offer, to join work a couple of weeks post college.

Can we please plan a holiday right after it too? I want to spend time with you both before I join work.

Your loving daughter…

Mom, Dad: I am so thankful to you for raising me the way you did. I know you both feel proud of me and I promise to prove you right in every way I can

*****

Dad, I am so happy that I am getting married today. And glad you both agreed with my choice!

I am sure I have the best parents in the world. I know, I haven’t spent a lot of time with you both over the past couple of years. I can blame it all on work and being with my Prince Charming.

But no, it isn’t just that. I should have taken out more time over the last few years but I didn’t. Hoping I learn from this mistake and spend more time with you both in years to come…

*****

It’s been ten years since my marriage. My parents have aged beautifully. And I have been able to live up to my promise of spending time with them.

Today, when I told them that I am going to be a mother soon, they had the same tears of joy that I had experienced when I was a baby. I am sure, I will experience the same emotion when my baby comes out.

And I will provide for her the best possible of everything. For, she will be the apple of my eyes. And we will be a happy family…

The Cycle of Parental Love

July 30, 2023July 30, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Unstructured structures

July 22, 2023July 24, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up, there were so many fun things that I (and by extension other kids around me) did.

All, well most of them, were unstructured. We didn’t plan for it or specially took out time for specific things.

Instead, we were allowed to let things flow. If our heart desired to go out and play, we did that. If we wanted to be ensconced within our home and play indoors, we did that.

No one guided us or pushed us to structure ourselves. Our parents didn’t ask us to enrol in classes or pursue specific interests. We were left to our own devices.

As we grew up, some of us naturally picked up hobbies or things we liked doing. And enrolled for lessons. Some pursued those lessons seriously while others did it for fun.

But there wasn’t any pressure on us. From any quarters. We were free to do as we pleased. Well, mostly.

When I look back, this unstructured way of growing up allowed me to be a free bird. And without posing any pressure, allowed me to pursue things that I enjoyed during those growing up years.

As I was discussing with a few friends last week, we went into a discussion on how today we are all pushing our children to pursue things in a more structured manner.

I am sure we do it to expose our children to new things and allow them to experience them. In most cases without any pressure, but in some with expectations or a push to get involved seriously.

But are we restricting our children to gain very specific guided experiences instead of the serendipitous encounters we had in our childhood?

Are we, by design, moving them into a more defined and constrained environment? And thereby, reducing the choices they may have?

This approach may help to lower the choices or improve the experiences that our children may get. But is it really going to help them in the long run?

Well, the jury is out. Hopefully will be able to write about it in a couple of decades, looking back further…

Parents

May 15, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The most demanding and most satisfying job in the world. That’s how I would describe parenting!

This week, as I went through the motions, this theme recurred time and again. And it made me appreciate what we do and the importance of it all over again.

The first instance was a random discussion with a couple of colleagues. We recalled ourselves growing up. Our parents were strict, frugal, and demanding. But on the other hand, they cared, loved, and nurtured us continuously. We didn’t realize it then, but they shaped us into someone who could go on and find their place in the world.

At that time, it did seem to most of us that we were at the receiving end of our parents. Too many restrictions, too many rules, heavy focus on being upright. A bit of a stretch to say, but we felt as if we were being constrained in many ways. And yet, that taught us the value of many a things. Values which we need to pass on to our kids. Yet,

How do we exercise controls and help build values, knowing fully well that we’re constraining our kids for their own good?

The second instance was an observation with our daughter. She spent a lot of time preparing a card, a booklet, and a gift bag for wifey on mothers day. She had written some wonderful things there and showcased some of her drawing and art skills. But as I read through the booklet, I saw how we have been helping her growth and yet falling short.

Now, I definitely feel that we have become much more pally with our children and have given them more freedom to do things. And that’s helping them make their own choices. But at the same time, I also think we have been shielding her from the world by being too careful.

I remember our parents weren’t so bothered about where we were all the time. Yes, times have changed and it’s become more riskier for kids to be out and about on their own. But I feel we have gone too much to the other side now, which is hurting her growth. And we need to do something about it! So,

How do we provide for various experiences for our kids in a dynamic world and yet ensure a good, wholesome upbringing?

The third instance was a post by a friend, where he wished his mother but also thanked his father. Both of them had played an equal part in his success. As I read through, I realized that it was always this balance that helped shape me. It may not have been possible otherwise.

Not that single parents cannot function at the same level. But even on our best days, it is hard to play a single role. Playing a double role through your life is incredibly difficult and something I wouldn’t wish for anyone.

Coming back, this is something that we don’t appreciate enough. How to play the yin to the yang, the apprentice to the master, the carrot to the stick. For, that balance is what creates different experiences and approaches for the child to learn from and grow. Therefore,

How do we ensure that we can complement our better halves and provide a balance that’s needed to nurture our children?

If you look at the three questions I pose above (in bold), these are all difficult ones. There are many more such demanding questions that we face as parents on an everyday basis.

And yet, we continue to do our best and the most we can in all circumstances. Doing what we think is right for our kids. And taking pride in helping them grow, feeling satisfied in the progress they and we are making…

“Cousins”

April 17, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

Being a Father.

March 12, 2023March 13, 2023 ~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

Picture this conversation between my 7.5 year old and her dad who’s 40 (well going to be 41 soon!).

Daughter: “Papa, I want to ask you, is it hard being a father”?

Me: (thinking where this is coming from!) Ahh? Hmm..

Daughter: (believes I didn’t understand) “What I am asking is, is it hard for you being a father”?

Me: (still not knowing how to answer this) “What do you mean”?

Daughter: “Just tell if it is hard for you to be a father along with the other things that you do”.

Me: (trying to given an answer but I still don’t have a good one) “It isn’t hard but sure is difficult”.

Daughter: (with a feeling of I had guessed so) “Hmm..”

Well, I am still reeling from this unspecified scrutiny of my capabilities after 3 days…

What’s the answer? I still don’t know!

What I do know however, is this:

Being a father is a responsibility. Of doing right and guiding right. Of carrying the burden of knowing you aren’t right always. And yet pretending that you are.

Being a father is a life lesson. In how to nurture and shape someone. In how to take pride in your life’s force visible in another being and yet be mindful that the being must not be exactly like you.

Being a father is a chance. To prove to oneself how to become better at things. To prove to others how you can be a better version of yourself.

Being a father is an opportunity. To see how a child evolves to become an adult. And to be a child again at times.

Being a father is a reminder. Of how you are catching up in years. And of how you must devote more time to things that matter.

Being a father is a balancing act. In knowing when to be strict and when to be lenient. In knowing how to deal with issues at home and outside and responding in a fair manner, without your biases kicking in.

Above all, being a father is a blessing. It has allowed me to explore those hidden aspects of myself that I didn’t knew existed. And in observing how my daughter has grown up over the last few years into someone who is caring, mindful, honest, and curious.

Given a chance, would I want to replay the entire of these last few years? Yes, for there are many things I would change. And no, for the memories I have right now are also precious and I wouldn’t want to part with them.

Now that’s a hard question…

No Negotiation Please…

April 30, 2022May 3, 2022 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a dreaded word for most of us. We either want to avoid it or at least try to minimise this ‘X’ factor.

This is surprising, considering a lot of things in our lives involve negotiating with others. Be it at work or at home, with outsiders in the market or with insiders within the household.

For some, each such negotiation lends to progress; while for others it is an important aspect of survival. However, no one teaches us negotiating skills or how to do it in a way that leaves us in a good position.

This week, generally observing my daughter made me realise that children are master negotiators and we learn these skills pretty easily early on in life. Sample this exchange between the two of us –

Me: It’s time to sleep, let’s go to bed.

Daughter: No Papa, I want to be awake for some more time as it’s Friday tomorrow. I will have to wake up early on Saturday and Sunday for my classes, so I will anyways have to sleep early.

Me: Hmm. Ok (I didn’t know if I was left with any other argument).

Or this one –

Wife: Come, let’s have a milkshake.

Daughter: No Mumma, I don’t want to. I will have it later because I just ate my lunch some time ago.

Wife: But that was 2 hours ago. Before you go to play, have something.

Daughter: Ok, I will come back in an hour, I promise. (And the conversation had to end).

I observed multiple other kids in the community and was surprised to see almost all of them negotiating well, even if it was for small things.

Whether it was for allowing them to play a bit more, eat chocolates or food they like to, or to do things that someone may be objecting to. It is being used by them almost like a conversation tool, without much ado.

Most of them have learnt these tactics with time, understanding how to navigate the tough corridors their parents create. I am sure, none of us parents have any role to play in it and it’s all their innate abilities coming to the fore.

When I thought back about my childhood, I realised that we weren’t different. We also had mastered this art in those days. Negotiating is one skill that we learnt and practised well.

But then somehow, as we grew up, like those other skills that get left behind, negotiation started being used a lot less as a conversation tool and being looked more as something practiced to win/lose or to gain favours. And when it lost its innocence, it made us start liking or disliking it, depending on how we fared in those ‘adult’ conversations.

As we continued our journey, little did we realise that an important skill that’s a must have and can be a lot of fun was relegated to a good to have and got associated with measuring things or people.

Perhaps, time for us to rethink how to look at negotiation and rekindle the fun memories of the past to bring it back in our lives. Not as a weapon to excel or succeed but simply as a tool to help make our conversations better and more fun…

The Face of ME!!!

This site is about my ideas and what I believe in!

Children

Innocent Age

“Doing it for fun”

Circle of life

The Cycle of Parental Love

Parents

“Cousins”

Being a Father.