Decisions

The Acknowledgement

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Mitul was staring in the dark. She had just finished the day and was lying down in her bed. The lights were switched off.

Apart from an eerie noise from a neighbouring electricity pole, there was nothing she could hear. After all, at 2 am in the morning, most people were asleep.

She tried to shut her eyes, forcing her mind to shut off. But it wouldn’t. Her thoughts weren’t in a mood to stop. After a few minutes, she gave up and opened up her eyes, staring in the dark and recounting the day.

It had all started post lunch at the office town hall two days ago. A small setup, Mitul’s startup was just taking its shape. And she had made it a ritual to address her entire team once a month.

This time too, she had gone prepared. She wanted to appraise the team about some recent wins and setbacks, and take in their feedback. But as the meeting began, a couple of them asked if they could first discuss about some personnel issues.

Mitul had readily agreed. What she heard for the next 45 minutes was various versions of how the team weren’t feeling motivated enough. How there were too many challenges and too few solutions. How things were broken and everyone was feeling overwhelmed fixing them.

Putting on her CEO face, she had listened to everyone patiently, without too much reflecting on her face. Her inner self was in a turmoil, though.

She shelved her plan to share any data with the team, thanked them for the feedback, and promised them to address these questions and concerns in a week.

As she came out, Mitul was shivering. It was as if her entire being was not in her control. She sat herself down at her desk and just continued with the motions for the day. Her mind was already running berserk!

After work that day, she went straight to the park. That’s what she used to do when she wasn’t able to control her mind. She ran ten full rounds to sweat out the angst. It wasn’t enough!

She then went back to her apartment, plonking herself on the couch to work through the problem. Over the next few hours, she alternated between pacing to and fro, standing and drawing at the whiteboard, or sitting down and thinking.

The next couple of days, this pattern continued. Through those two days, Mitul fought with her inner conflicts about what were the right things to fix. It was intense.

But it was she talking to herself. The others were oblivious to what was going on within her.

Now, with two days of sleepless nights, multiple coffees, and numerous rounds of self doubt, here she was, lying in her bed at 2 am. She silently acknowledged that she didn’t have enough answers and needed help.

That acknowledgement helped. She fell asleep and woke up only at 9 in the morning. Her mind was a bit calmer. She felt a bit better. As if, all the worries that she had harboured in the last 72 hours had gone away.

She took a long shower, ate something, and decided to take the day off. She got out of the house, and roamed around the city, soaking in some of her favourite spots.

Then, as she was walking back home in the evening, it occurred to Mitul. She was not alone. Her team was going through a lot, and if she wanted to solve the problems, it was best if she worked with them and jointly found a way out.

It was a revelation. She had always thought of her team as her close circle but somehow, she had not trusted them enough to work together and figure out solutions. It was as much their company as it was hers…

That night, Mitul slept well. She knew, she still had to find the answers. She was aware that the road ahead would be tough. But she also knew that she could depend on her team to work together for the answers. They were on the mission together!

Frustrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

They are difficult. They take a lot out of you.

They are also very engaging. And can keep you occupied, thinking about related stuff and going down a rabbit hole.

They are however, also a source of motivation. To do things differently. And try something new.

This past week, I went through all these stages…

As I felt the weight of frustration tugging at my heart and mind, it felt like I got stopped in the tracks.

The frustration had been building for a while. I had seen signs of it in between but I kept going, disregarding those signs. Or rather telling myself that it will get resolved on its own.

What I didn’t realize was that the underlying reasons for the frustration weren’t going away. And with time, they only became more pronounced.

When the feeling hit me, it took me a while to digest the situation I was in. It was as if I was stuck in a maze while trying to find my way out.

This wasn’t the first time I was going through such an experience. But even then, each time is different. And the initial thoughts are always muddled.

As if on cue, my mind took it upon itself to remind me of all the past signs that I had seen but ignored. I kept going back in time and thinking about all related things.

It was only after a couple of days of being in that zone, did I get to unraveling the sources of the frustration. That too after realizing that there was no point in wallowing in the past and it was better to figure out how to move ahead.

However, I first had to fight with my mind to stop going into the past and instead help me weigh my options and path forward. It wasn’t easy but somehow, having done this before, I was able to get my mind to agree.

Then came a long process to map out possibilities and what would work best for me. And then sharing it all with my wife to help me understand if my thoughts are in the right direction.

This entire week went past in dealing with this episode. But I was glad I could come out on the other side with some positive thoughts and a plan of action. And that it didn’t take longer than this.

Hopefully I can now get to execute these plans!

Hindsight

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I have often wondered, with the wisdom of hindsight, about how I could have done certain things differently.

It seems so obvious or clear at times.

And yet, when we are in the midst of something, we don’t have the same line of sight.

So, we go with what is the best approach or the most sensible decision at that point of time. Then, when we look back, we realise whether that decision was a blunder or was fine.

This week, as I got some time to sit down with my parents and talk, we ventured into the past. And discussed how some things that we decided on panned out for us.

It was surprising for me to note that we made quite a few mistakes. But even then, overall life has turned out fine.

The most important realisation however was the fact that whatever we decided on, we did it with the right intention. And with a feeling that we are doing something because we will be happy about it. And we followed through.

Although, in hindsight, the outcome may have varied from what we desired, but the happiness out of that decision was real.

And that to me is the real treasure uncovered from all those decisions!

Being happy about having made that decision and not getting influenced by the anxiety post that decision, or the frustration of the decision not turning out well.

In this age, we often get befuddled about whether our decisions will turn out fine or not. Or what will be the outcomes.

Only if we could decide on things with purity of intention, and follow through with the right plan, we would be so much happier for it…

Back to home

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This is my last weekend in the US.

As I return back to India to start a new chapter in my life, many thoughts are running through my mind.

The past year and a half allowed us to experience different cultures, different cuisines, and be a part of the first world. It was both good and not so good.

First and foremost, it was a pleasant experience. We had never stayed outside India as a family for long, so we had no understanding or expectations about what we may come across. But the US wasn’t unwelcoming, perhaps because we were in the Bay Area.

But more so because we didn’t feel as out of place as someone coming from the India of 90’s or early 00’s may have. We weren’t in awe of the place or the people and that helped us settle down quickly. And comfortably.

We also enjoyed being on the other side, understanding the motives and inclinations of people we have worked with. It’s one thing to be aware of the other side of the world and completely different to actually appreciate why they think or act the way they do. It definitely made us wiser.

Our daughter studied in a truly multi-national setting with classmates from more than half a dozen countries. It was amazing to see her grasp some of the cultural nuances and feel at home with her own identity.

We got to visit many places across the US and experienced the country in a way which we wouldn’t have as a tourist. It was great travelling to such a diverse set of places and enjoying nature.

If we enjoyed being here, then why are we coming back to India? This is what I think is the difference between the outer and inner lives that we lead now. One that’s visible to the world outside and what we grapple with within.

What I wrote about above were all the things that I liked from the outside perspective. Internally though, I was in conflict.

I love India, not just because it’s where I was born or where I have stayed for forty years of my life. Also because I genuinely feel happy about being there. There’s something about the infectious bonhomie and camaraderie that we are known for!

I realised I needed to be around people I knew and am friends with. While I met many good people in the US, and had a couple of friends and cousins here, it couldn’t compare with the feeling of being amongst known faces.

I also figured that if I want to do something more in life, I will be better served being in India. Because I have the freedom there to experiment and do even offbeat things, which I cannot enjoy in the US with the pressures and travails of life (read constant need to work to earn enough).

Maybe it’s not true for everyone but I thought a lot about it before deciding. And the decision, even when I look back now, seems right.

Lastly, I believe it’s better to be decided in mind than live in a dilemma. I could have easily continued with the conflicted feelings and put up with them. But then, I would have constantly evaluated pros and cons. And whiled away my time thinking what’s the right thing to do.

Is it the right decision? I don’t know for sure. But it feels like.

Perhaps, if I had moved here a bit earlier in life or had given it more time, the decision would have been different. But then, it wouldn’t have been me as you know it…

Acting Fast and Slow

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are always choosing. Between two or more things. Between what we believe are possibilities that exist for us.

Some of those decisions are easy to make. Some of them are difficult. Some of those affect just us. Some affect others also. Some land up right. Others end up being wrong.

However, we still continue to choose. Some of us make those choices based on what our mind says. Some of us choose what echoes in our heart.

This week as I deliberated within myself on something that’s personal for me, all these thoughts came to me.

I for one, make a lot of choices based on what my heart says. I go with my gut. A few of those have been wrong, a lot of them have been right. I like to act fast.

But a few times, I get stumped. Like this once.

Whenever faced within a decision, I naturally search within to sense which direction I am leaning towards. Depending on which option my gut feeling is very strong about and I am convinced about in my thoughts, I go ahead with that choice.

For a long time in my life, this used to be the only way I used to decide. Then, as I started growing up and faced life and failures, I realised that while it was my strength, if there is hesitancy or lack of clarity, I need to slow down and think through.

Over the last few years, I have been practising this. So, if I am not able to make up my mind immediately, I wait to get a better understanding and then analyse the possibilities to decide about the choices using my head. Again, some of those things have turned out well, some not. That’s how the dice rolls…

But this time, like only a few others, I am perplexed. And while being in this situation suggests it’s not a simple decision, what is complicating things is the duel between the heart and the mind. Both are pulling me in different directions.

In similar situations before, I have gone ahead and chosen quickly, prioritising speed of decision making to help me move forward. Perhaps also to put my mind to rest and work with what’s known to me.

But this time, I want to give myself time and take it slower than I ever have. So am going to run with these thoughts until natural clarity emerges from somewhere within. I know it will trouble me for a few more days but it’s an experiment to train myself to act slowly, deliberately at times, if the situation demands so.

Let’s see where I land. After all, what’s life without challenging oneself!

How far would you go?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

On everything? Really. Have we thought about it?

On life. Should I want to live life king size at all costs and be ready to do whatever may be required for it? Or should I be ready to draw a line somewhere and stay within that for my own heart’s sake?

On work. Should I compete with all others and do everything that’s required to reach the summit? Or should I balance things with a perspective of reaching where I intend to reach, without considering myself in a race?

On relationships. Should I do everything to take care of my relationships and maintain them, come what may? Or should I accept the strain or tension that some of them may imply, either vitiating myself or severing those ties, if it ever comes to that?

On health. Should I adopt habits that help me take care of myself for years to come and be conscious of my lifestyle choices even at the expense of my happiness? Or should I not worry too much about it and enjoy things that I like and live as I want to, postponing the worries to sometime in the future.

On wealth. Should I focus on earning more and saving more to ensure I can live comfortably later on? Or should I spend on things I want right now and assume the future will sort itself out and we will cross the bridge when we get there.

On ethics. Should I always have a upright stance on everything and morally do the right thing, even if it lands me in trouble or pulls me back? Or should I be ok to tweak things a bit to benefit myself in the spirit of being always successful?

On feelings. Should I be straight forward with them and let them be visible to others, even in difficult times? Or should I hide my true self from the world and put on a game face if required?

These are all difficult questions. Perhaps with no right answer.

This week, as I went through life in the wake of the new year, some of these thoughts occurred to me. Not in terms of making decisions about these points myself but generally, as something that I haven’t thought about explicitly.

Yet as I reflected more, I realized that most of us make one or the other choice on these spectrums in different points in our life. Some of these choices are made explicitly and some implicitly.

What matters is the understanding of the mechanism we use to make these choices – the inner workings of our head and our heart, combined with our circumstances and the atmosphere around us. Along with complete ownership of our decision and consciousness about our choices.

For that helps us be truthful about whether the choice we made was right or wrong, depending on the results and the path it led us to. And more importantly, allows us the freedom within to not be trapped eternally within those choices but to make corrections if needed or choose the next fork in our life’s journey…