Facades

All in a Day’s Celebrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrate days. We celebrate people on those days. We celebrate what those people achieved on those days.

But what we don’t celebrate enough is those same people and what they have achieved on other days of the year.

This week, as we celebrated the International Women’s Day and I checked my social media streams and general messaging getting flooded with messages, experiences, and comments, I was reminded of this stark reality.

I get it that there is a certain amount of respect that gets paid to women on the marked day. Or to mothers or fathers. Or to whoever we are celebrating.

But I find it disturbing when I hear about or observe the same set of people not keeping that feeling all through the year.

It’s as if we decide to take a short detour on our behaviour and mask our feelings for that day. And then, as soon as that short-lived, marketing-driven euphoria is behind us, we go back to our old ways. Of treating them as a second class citizen. Or of ignoring them.

Almost like we were obligated to do this once a year!

What if instead, we started believing what we are saying and doing a bit more? What if we genuinely chose to treat them as equals and not second guess them? What if we let them be in the drivers seat for any amount of time without worrying about where they are taking us?

I think it takes guts to accept we aren’t there yet as a society. We still have work to do.

We still need to believe more and trust more. And act in good faith. And not recede to where we were before.

Hopefully, sometime soon. Because, in my view, that’s the only way for us to truly rise up and get to a better, safer world.

Until that time, for those who don’t want to change or think it is beneath them, the annual celebration is a good reminder of where they came from on this earth in the first place!

The hidden facade

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Varun loathed himself. Sitting in his cabin, he couldn’t wish the feeling away…

It had been a week of intense discussions. It was annual performance review time and being the head of department, he had quite a big team. As was the practice, he had to discuss his team’s performance and share their ratings individually.

When Varun had joined the corporate world, almost twenty years back, he had promised himself that he will bring his authentic self to work.

As years progressed, that was what he was known for too. Straight forward, always authentic in what he thinks and says. People liked him for that.

Then, as he hit the middle management layer, and decided to aim for the higher echelons, he suddenly realized that this value of his wasn’t much appreciated in the new circle.

They all talked about how he had to also be tactful and read the room before saying anything. How he must hold on to his feelings and not let them show on his face. And how it all mattered to the big bosses, how much in control he appeared when he did so.

Gradually, he became the person that he promised not to. Over the last couple of years, he had towed the management’s line. He had not been authentic at all times. And while, others may not have realized it, he did!

That week, as he went through his review meetings, he had realized that he was not being his authentic self more often than not.

In the eagerness to be seen as likable, he didn’t given the right feedback to a few of his team members. With a couple of others, he had been unnecessarily harsh, because he thought they wouldn’t fit in the right category in the management’s view.

That Friday, as he sat in his cabin, thinking through the week, he had nothing but loathe for himself. For how he had turned out to be this unauthentic, facetious person. He couldn’t believe this is what he had come to.

He kept staring at the wall in front of him for a long time, looking back at all these years of his work life and how his behavior had come to this.

Then, with a heavy heart, he got up and dragged himself home. That evening was a restless one for him, he couldn’t come to terms with himself.

His wife, who had known him even before he had started working, knew something was amiss. She sat him down and reasoned with him. She had already observed that he had let go of his authentic self, and had seen this coming.

She gave him courage to find the mistakes he had made in recent times and discussed openly with him on how he thought he could correct those. As those thoughts crystalized, Varun saw the fog lifting from his mind.

Monday, as soon as he got into the office, he invited those few team members he wanted to speak to. He met with them one by one, telling them that he had not been his authentic self and then sharing the real feedback he had for them.

That evening, as he walked out of the office, he came across a picture from one of his older albums his phone had surfaced. It was from the time when he had gone for his first rock climbing trip.

The picture was of him holding on to the grappling rope with fear on his face. It was of a time long gone by, but it was of that authentic Varun he had known for a long time. And who he had recalled today after a long time…

The “Me” Question

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How would you describe yourself to someone?

This isn’t a self cantered question that I am asking of myself. It is a deeper reflection on how we come across as an individual to others.

We start in the unbridled, unhindered category. We are ecstatic to begin communicating while growing up and use any and every opportunity to make ourselves felt.

Right from our young age, we strive to talk and share. And we do so without any filters, without worrying about how we come across, and what’s our audience. It also helps that most folks we talk to in that age are close family and friends, not someone we want to hide from.

Then, as we start growing up, we realise that there are times when hiding our true feelings or being vague is beneficial for us. We do it a few times. Still, we are our authentic selves.

We pride being with like minded people, having friends who care for us, and a family that dotes on us. This all gives us confidence to continue speaking true and right.

However, this touch gets lost as our adulthood advances. We become more and more careful about what we want to reveal or hide. We use facades where necessary, whether professionally or personally.

And this removes us from the reality quite a bit. It also doesn’t help that most people we are surrounded by are acquaintances who we don’t know well or don’t trust enough.

We remain the same authentic self in front of our childhood friends or family but those are only a few days or moments. The heavy tilt towards our alter egos takes a toll on us. We begin to push the envelope on what’s real vs what’s made up about ourselves even with those who we know well.

Soon, the only difference that remains between the true self and the alter ego is what we retain in our heart. And that too contracts as time passes by.

By then our children are growing up and keenly observing us. We would have had the opportunity to pass on a more authentic outlook to them but we are too far down the road to do that now.

They too observe and learn how to not be authentic when it’s to one’s liking or advantage. Just like we did from our parents when we were teenagers. And the cycle repeats…

What if we decided to be true to ourselves and leave our facades behind? How would that change our and our children’s future choices and outcomes?

Maybe the fork in the road is now. Better late than never…

I am however, still grappling with this question even though the benefits are quite clear!

Who’s the Leader?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was awestruck. There we were, enjoying ourselves on a short vacation, when my 6 year old mentioned something that made me pause and think hard.

As it happened, we were just back from a boat ride at the resort and were taking a walk near the river side and talking amongst ourselves about random things. It must have been a couple of innocuous things that children do, for which we would have told the little one to not repeat. The moment we said so, she replied, “Mumma, Papa, you are not a leader and you shouldn’t be telling me about what to do and what not to do”.

Taken aback, I asked her, “If it is so, then are you a leader already and will you decide what you should do?”. She replied, “No Papa, none of us are leaders. Only God is”.

It took me a minute literally to grasp what she said. It must have come from her mind based on some random conversation she would have had with her friends. But it was profound and made me think more about it.

As those words continued to run in my mind for that evening, I realised that one part of it couldn’t be truer. That we aren’t and cannot be leaders all the time and should stop behaving as one…

True for those who run an organisation or a team. You may be leading a team or a function or a company but it’s not because of only you that work is happening or progress is being achieved. There are many contributing factors and we ought to keep that in mind, lest we believe too much in ourselves and in that over confidence go down the hill.

True for those who run a family or behave like a leader just because they are older than the others in the household. We may be grown up enough or may have seen more years under the sun but that doesn’t give us a right to lead in all settings. Indeed, there are instances when the younger ones know much more about something and they must show us the way.

True for all of us who assume the leadership role naturally because we have been told that being a leader is what counts. Indeed it does if we know the stuff. If not, it pays to let others take the lead and show us the way.

Conversely, a reminder for those of us who think they are junior or not experienced enough and shy away from leading. For they may not have the numbers against their age but they have something that others may not – enthusiasm to try new things and less fear of failure. And others could genuinely benefit from their leadership in unknown situations.

After all, while leaders can be born or made, it pays to learn all the time to lead better when the right opportunity arrives!

What the shame…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I committed a blunder. The moment I discovered it yesterday, I was dumbstruck. How could one act this dumb when concerned with something of utmost importance…

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that what I had done was going to be recorded in the annals of history in times to come. And I was filled with shame. For having let down myself and my colleagues.

This wasn’t the first time I had done something majorly wrong in my life. There have been other brilliant mistakes and failures along the line.

Some of those happened in my growing up years and were concerned with my studies – for instance, not being prepared well for exams when I was in 6th grade and ending up having to relocate myself to be with my parents (I used to stay with my loving and adorable grandmother till then).

Or at times concerned people – not recognising who is right and ending up on the wrong side. In the process hurting some of my good friends.

Some have been concerned with work also – goofing up on important tasks and coming undone when not expected.

So, this wasn’t the first or the last time I had fallen down at work.

However, each time I committed mistakes and reflected, I have learnt from them and become better. At least strived to. And that has helped me as a person and as a professional.

So, as I was wallowing in self pity, a tiny voice inside my head called out “apologise and move on”. And while the heart wanted to cry, the mind egged me on to get out of the gloom.

I assessed the damage and understood what to do from here. Then, called up my seniors and talked to them about it and apologised. Called up my fellow colleagues and owned it up while talking about how to minimise the damage. And let it out.

And it worked marvellously. While earlier I was filled with self-doubt, now I had realised how to navigate these waters. And while some damage had been done, I was now determined not to let the mistake shake me down or divert from the objective.

After all, I am human. And shit happens. While feeling ashamed of it is alright, not confessing or apologising leads to agony.

In my view, there’s nothing shameful about apologising if I have done some wrong and admitting it. Helps me heal faster…

After all, ‘what the shame’, when failure begets success!

Unnecessary Facades

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

Some might equate it with jokers but for those who haven’t had the privilege of watching a circus (yes, it’s a dying business), just the word ‘behroopiya’ would be good enough to explain what I want to convey here.

In all walks of life, in all circumstances, you come across people putting up “unnecessary facades” – gestures/acts not at all required but for sounding prim and proper. You would always hear people saying “Yes, that sounds great!” when in fact you might have uttered a crap-load; just smiling, nodding and agreeing with you rather than putting you in the right place; sounding hollow and placating in order to avoid a confrontation; being so-called socially adaptable in your face only to say bad things behind your back.

In fact, people are adept at making others feel comfortable. Oh, you know, it does not sound good to be transparent or blatantly forthcoming to others! Some people mention being ‘straight forward’ as one of their weaknesses – “I think I am rather direct with people and get into uncomfortable situations … I am working on it by thinking before speaking my mind out or reacting blah blah blah…” And of course, it is social impropriety to behave in any adverse manner!

This might be more prevalent in certain parts that are famously out-spoken or fashionably subtle and you would find heaps of stories and chuckles (about how this particular region behaves)… But it is a behavior practiced almost all across the world. From the US of A to the Kangaroos of Australia, it finds prominence in the modern society.

On one end, you see politicians and celebrities almost on the border of perfection in all their appearances. On the other, some of the uneducated/down-to-earth/innocent people, away from the glaring public eye are called the unsophisticated tribe who speak their mind! If someone is forthcoming, we like to rip them apart for transgressing our social norms and being blatant – “how could he do this?”

But the phenomenon is not limited to social behavior. Look at politics – false promises, hollow measures… Look at films and media – always the epitome of such behavior. Look at sports – people being more concerned with how they look and how they speak/behave rather than playing… It’s all over and is fast consuming one and all. Even small-town people and villagers try and be sophisticated and ‘prim and proper’ now-a-days!!!

I was wondering why does this happen? What makes us go into this complicated shell and build unnecessary facades? It occurred that this seems to be a modern phenomenon probably less in vogue in the rugged old word where you were taken on your face value and judged by your actions rather than appearances! And it is only growing in the new-age social-media led world.

Thinking through, I realized that it starts off from our childhood days. We train children to behave in this manner right when we start grooming them. We teach them how to be ‘prim and proper’ so that we are not embarrassed in front of others during social parties or get-togethers. Then, as the child grows up, we advise him to learn the worldly ways and behave with sophistication – “you never know beta/beti, whom you might come across and be in need of in future”. So naturally, by the time the child reaches adolescence, he/she is groomed into the accepted social norms. And off they take to make the world a more subtle place…

But the question remains – why do we need to get into unnecessary facades – can we not be ourselves and truthful? Can we not just say whatever comes to our mind and act according to what we think is correct? Do we actually need to please all people or be content with our actions and take the forth-rightness in our stride?

Just think about it – if all become one, we probably would find the world to be a much better place – with all false promises removed, all diversionary measures dropped and all hollow talk being replaced by fruitful action; all posturing being substituted by concrete talk and results; all lovey-dovey things being consumed by reality. And that would probably be the time when you could talk to me and tell me that I am boring you like hell with such a post and with this blog!

Private is in!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sitting in the cafeteria, having breakfast with a friend who had once told me he liked my blogs (however infrequently I might update them) got me thinking about writing again! And just as a coincidence, the topic appeared…

A lady trying to find a place in the crowded environment came to our table and pulled up a chair but then realized that she might be sitting too close for comfort and instantly, as sort of second nature, proceeded to find another, more secluded or should I say a private place – somewhere she wouldn’t be obtrusive or feel so…

On a deeper thought I realized this has almost become second nature to us. We seek privacy at all times and at all places unless it is absolutely necessary to share! We always seek privacy as if we are discreet lovers longing for a hideout…

And this phenomenon is wide spread – people don’t wish to share their possessions – be it their personal belongings, their material possessions (but they would definitely like to show it off), their friendships, their joys, sorrows, worries, anxieties and so on… Oh, it makes you look so uncool!!! We even think that if someone is sharing something with us, there must be an alternative/ulterior motive behind the gesture…

This privacy has made inroads into the society so much that it’s considered improper to view it abjectly. “Why do you care about how I live my life” – is the answer we hear quite often from all corners and from all age groups!

I don’t know whether this is right or wrong, nor I am in a position to pronounce my judgement, having been a victim of this ‘privaria’… But it does take effort to think what can be done differently to make us all human again – social animals who love to share!!! Some food for thought…

Oh and btw, this is being blogged from my iPhone – another symbol of pseudo-socialism, where you are closer to friends through Facebook and Twitter rather than in person… But oh my, I love this device as it at least lets me be in touch with the private society and invade others privacy 🙂