Friends

Getting Together

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Man is a social animal. Aristotle said so and we all have displayed great affinity for it for as long as we have been alive. Very few of us have the will to stay away altogether from the society. With Covid nearing its anniversary celebrations in many places though, the last one year seems to have been a lost opportunity for social life.

However, this last week, with missus out of town and time on my hands, I spent time in getting together with friends and colleagues in various social settings. During a work trip, over a weekend party with fellow residents, and over a lazy Sunday afternoon at home. It was fun!

Not just because we could get together and have a good time but also because after a long hiatus, it felt good to be approaching normalcy.

It isn’t that we haven’t met people in these times. Most of us have spent time with family and friends as the pandemic has progressively become less deadly. But with the drudgery of work-from-home loneliness and with the umpteen precautions we have had to take, I have often felt that life has become slightly boring in general.

Before the pandemic, we used to meet our colleagues daily, work and perhaps have a bit of fun, apart from the various things that one could do socially over the week. Children had their school friends and those around their home to play with. Elders had visitors and a string of things to look forward to in their days. And as I think about it now, it made a huge difference to our lives. It gave us a sense of belongingness and togetherness.

With most of us working from home over the past months, life took a turn for the worse. While we get online and virtually meet others, in my opinion, there is still a distant and unspoken coldness about it, when compared to in-person interactions. And with those who are younger or older denied of their life’s daily pleasures, things have definitely grown dull all around.

And while the pandemic still isn’t behind us, these in-person get togethers that happened in controlled settings were a relief. It allowed us to speak out, hear others, laugh and joke around, and be ourselves again. Out of the confines of our boundaries, into the open.

To feel life flow through conversations again. To get to know each other that much more. And to feel happy about those moments passed with others.

In the new normal we will perhaps adopt more remote ways to work and interact. But I hope we also continue to create or get chances to get together with others, in a controlled environment, to create real memories…

Time travails!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Over the last 1 week, I have seen 2 movies where the concept of loneliness gets mentioned prominently. Ruminating about the present situation, in both the cases, there is a satirical solution to solve for the problem most people in these modern times face…

Sitting idle on a rainy Sunday, eschewing the choice of watching another movie or reading another book, I decided to delve deeper into this abyss.

Being a working couple, with multiple calls and meetings jam-packed into our schedules, we have been finding it tough to get time for ourselves, apart from the household chores that never seem to end. That leaves us with very little time to talk to each other on most weekdays or have fun as a family.

It wasn’t so earlier. I remember, in the previous decade, while work was hectic, there was a physical cut-off time that most people followed and respected. And while there were those odd days or weeks, where you had to put in extra hours, without the always connected, ubiquitous gadgets, our lives were much simpler.

Evenings after office work used to be spent in chit-chatting about sundry things. Or in watching some television. And talking to other family members and friends.

During childhood, it was even better. I recall that when my father used to return from his work, we all used to sit down and have a hearty conversation. And so it went on, until dinner time and sometimes, even post that. That was the daily succour with very little options on television – the only thing being the evening news that was part of the daily routine.

As we have got more options to remain connected and have more gadgets at our disposal, somehow we have been robbed of our time. When we are not working, we feel the urgent need to connect with the world through the technology in our hands. That behaviour has percolated down to children and today it is not uncommon to see teenagers glued to their screens with scant awareness about what’s happening around them.

And then there is the entire focus on ‘Me Time’. About doing something which dissociates us from the daily tribulations of our work. While earlier, most people had constructive hobbies to pursue during such time, these days it is spent mostly on streaming platforms, or browsing through social media, news, shopping websites, WhatsApp chat groups, and what not.

Most of us have fallen in this trap of always being connected, with a false sense of interacting with the world and being informed, instead of spending time with those that matter the most in our lives. And that is what I feel is leading to this feeling of loneliness and hollowness.

While we cannot do away with the demands of work in an inter-connected, hyper-sensitive and globalised environment, it is upon us to draw out our boundaries to ensure that we maintain a balance between work and life. And that spare time can be utilised for not just browsing the phone but also talking about anything and everything under the sun to the people who matter in our lives. In person or on a phone call (not virtually!). And to teach the same to the next generation!

Having consciously tried to minimise after-work and weekend screen time over the past few weeks, my wife and I have been able to find those small passages of time, where we reconnect and talk to each other. And that has helped us refresh ourselves mentally, winding down in the evening or on weekends. It has also helped us reduce the screen time for our daughter, who otherwise used to be gunning for another go at some cartoon show.

While I cannot claim to have found the elixir to this lifestyle crisis, the progress in our personal case gives me hope that we have it in us to undo the side effects of technology use and get real again!

On Friends and Fights…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Friends are our lifeline. They are the ones who keep us afloat in good times and bad…

This past week, we had a couple of occasions when the little one had a mini fight with one of her friends. The ones you feel important about when you are young but feel amused by when you think back as a grown up. Reminded me of my own days with friends and how I grew up.

The good thing is, while growing up you become friends without thinking about intentions and benefits. Without worrying about the past, present, or future of the person. And remain so for as long as you are alive and kicking.

Thanks to my dad’s transferable job as a banker, I got the opportunity to travel to a few places and make new friends every 2-3 years through my childhood. Each place and friend group taught me new things and helped me make memories for life.

I had quite a few of those cherished friendships, with boys and girls. From my school days as well as during college. Friends, some of whom became very close and continue to be. And I spent tons of time with them.

But it wasn’t all rosy. I had my share of fights, big and small, across the spectrum. A lot of times they were silly, some times futile, and only a few times necessary. But at that point in time they all felt important.

I remember fighting umpteen times with friends while playing. Incidents I laugh with them about now. Some of the others were serious but quickly resolved. Only a couple of them were of the kinds that did permanent damage on both sides. And were really important.

Yet when I look back, those incidents helped me shape up. I became more accommodating and understanding of the other view point(s), of learning to accept differences and agreeing to disagree. And of knowing when to stay and when to walk away.

So I tell my little one. She is too young to understand these things and hopefully will have her own positive learning curve from these fights with friends.

And will probably grow up looking back bemusedly at these young days…

Independent or Dependent?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend, as I was reading my newsletters and some interesting articles on the web, I came across a brilliant piece by a HBS professor, Clayton M. Christensen (Link at the bottom). The article had appeared in the HBR July 2010 issue and really spoke to me.

Subsequently, during a casual conversation with friends, we were discussing about family ties and bonding and went into the territory of dependence/independence.

As I reflected afterwards, an important thought formed shape – How independent or dependent are we?

To think through the topic, I went through my own journey in life…

I was born and brought up in small towns in the central part of India. Had a joint family and stayed with my grandmother and uncles and aunts till I turned 12. Even after that, although I stayed with my parents wherever they moved, life revolved around the joint family, with cousins and extended families and their support.

Only post my school, I stepped on to the outside world and started living on my own. As I have progressed with my career and then my own family, distances have increased, meeting with the extended family and cousins have become infrequent, and life has generally been getting busier each passing year.

Now I am sure, this is happening with many of us in India. It is a common phenomenon in the developed world where nuclear families have become de-facto and children move out of the home to get on with their life once they finish school.

We call this independence and take pride in how we are now handling our matters without anyone’s help or interference. Nothing wrong with that. But we forget that within this independence lies a dependence.

In the earlier social milieu, our joint families supported us, our cousins kept us company, our grandparents ensured proper upbringing. If not the joint family, the community and it’s support used to carry us forward. But now, with no such support system in our cities, we have become much more dependent on our spouse than earlier.

As our children grow up, they will pursue their careers and move out to different cities and countries. And we, who raised the child(ren) will be left behind, possibly to take care of each other for a few years/decades. Without too much of a support system / people around to help out.

And in some cases, as evident from the rising differences between couples and growing rate of divorces, the past few decades/years were spent in a race which pulled the couple apart. So may not exactly be a support system in some cases. Then what?

I am not espousing or eschewing any side here – just a thought that I reflected upon today and thanked God for the support I have got till now and for my family. And reminded myself of how I need to keep building and strengthening my relationship with my wife and daughter and continue my bond with friends and family for years to come!

PS: link to the article is

https://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life

Cherished Childhood Memories

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Childhood memories are always special.

The other day, I was on my way to office in a cab and to pass time, decided to watch a couple of videos on YouTube. Don’t know what triggered the video in my feed, but I was watching a satirical take on Super Mario, the video game superhero.

As I watched it, I was smiling from one end to the other. Amused, I forwarded to some of my friends and groups and downloaded it as well. And then I remembered it again today morning and rewatched it along with my daughter.

Well, playing video games used to be a lot of fun and a time to cherish for us kids. However, it wasn’t allowed usually and only during summer vacations did we get a free run.

In fact, summers used to be the time when you could do anything – sleep till late, read tons of comics, play board/card/video games, have ice cream and soda, and on and on. So naturally, all of us cousins used to look forward to gang up during these vacations.

As I grew up, a few video game parlours mushroomed and we friends used to visit those game zones, parting with our precious savings for an hour of play, competing with each other, learning precious life lessons and enjoying together.

As time passed by, all of us grew up and went on our own paths. We catch up every now and then, when work travel takes us to each other’s place or when a wedding or function in the family comes along. And each time we meet, we end up cherishing all those memories of time spent together.

The video brought back a flood of all those memories and reminded me of not only playing the video game but also of the time spent with all my cousins and friends. What a wonderful childhood it was!!!

The many groups I belong to! And what social media made me realise…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I have been a frequent mover all my life!

It started with my father’s transfers which was pretty much every 3 years. So I changed schools 6 times during my elementary education. Then I joined the Army and traveled to 2 more places. Then 2 more for my MBA. My job took me to 2 different places. And I am at a new place as I write this!

It was really cumbersome during childhood to make friends in new places. I did not have a dedicated friend circle with whom I grew up. And it kind of riled me sometimes.

But it gave me a distinct advantage – I have many groups I belong to. And as I have grown up, I realised this subconsciously – the more the number of groups I belonged to, the more I grew in life. But the realisation hit home recently when I inadvertently became a part of a high school group on WhatsApp.

As it happened, during our high school days we were a small gang of boys and have stayed in touch through all our life. Some great friends there! But we had no girls in our group! Quite surprising, when I come to think of it now! Don’t ask me why, I’m yet to figure out! 🙂

Anyways, we all got onto this new group with a bunch of girls (now ladies) whom we had studied with. We had been connected on FaceBook and other mediums but never interacted much.

It all changed the last couple of weeks. In fact, talking about this group here seems funny because just a couple of weeks ago half the people in there were almost strangers to me!

The girls have gone on to play some awesome roles – enterprising housewives, doctor, consultant and above all as a mother. And the guys are all pretty settled in their respective family lives. But in the past couple of weeks, we have discovered a funny side to ourselves…

We laugh and banter with each other on silly things, as if high school days are back. We take digs at each other knowing fully well no one will be offended. We share our family’s moments within the group and have formed a mutual admiration society in between ourselves talking about myriad things. It has given us new friends to share our joys and sorrows with. In fact, we wonder why we did not interact even a 100th of what we have done over the last 2 weeks!

It was perhaps meant to be now! While we were all busy in the humdrum of our lives, we were missing the fun and joy and smiles that only childhood friends can bring on. And for all we are worth, we are all much more happier these days, enjoying and reliving those memories of our childhood and becoming kids again…

And its the same across all groups – be it family or friends! Social media has bought us all closer on an informal level that nothing could. It has given us the freedom to express and associate with and learn from each other.

The positive impact these interactions have, far outweigh the time spent on social media. I feel we all owe it to the social media revolution engulfing our lives, where we all are connected and share our happy and sad times with others. Otherwise, in our cocooned existence in today’s world, its easy to become lonely and get lost!

I am sure there are more surprises in store in the future as social media evolves! As Martin Buber said “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware”, so I move along, ready to experience new things and enjoy the old times with my numerous groups!!!