Learnings

Backseat Driving

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s surprisingly vicarious! Does it help, though?

I have been driving around for all my adult life. As soon as I turned 18, with the help of my dad, I learnt to drive a car.

It was fascinating. To drive around and control a machine as sophisticated as a car. Something more than 2 wheels.

With time, I became more and more adept at it. I drove for long stretches and started appreciating the mechanics of good driving vs bad.

Over the years, this skill has only honed, what with the massive increase in the magnitude of traffic in Bangalore.

However, owing to family’s (read my wife’s) suggestion, we now also have a driver. For everyday commutes to our offices and other errands.

It is actually relaxing to not grapple with traffic every day during the rush hour. It’s also frustrating, with the natural tendencies I have as a driver.

Often times, when I am not caught up in my thoughts or doing something else, my eyes are on the road and judging how the driver is driving. Many a times, I offer him suggestions from the backseat.

Surely, not a great way to delegate work. Poor chap, he takes it mostly without any objection. Perhaps, he doesn’t want to show his displeasure at my behaviour?

Having noticed this for a while, I am actively trying to curb it. Letting him drive, focusing on utilizing my time sitting idle.

But it’s not easy. I have to make an effort. Trusting him to do his job. Well. Not offering any suggestions until asked for guidance.

And when there’s an urge, learning to suppress it for the sake of my own peace of mind. Instead, observing and learning from what others around me do, so that I can do better when I am behind the wheel.

But old habits die hard. Today morning, tossing the keys to my wife, as I sat besides her, I resolved not to do much.

As you can guess, five minutes into the drive, I had heard a couple of stern warnings to be a good passenger…

#TheBestParent

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all want to be one. It’s almost like a badge of honour to be declared “The Best Dad” or “The Best Mom”.

We still falter. In some way or the other. And end up with a literal sob story.

What is it about parenting that is so complex? Last couple of weeks, I have grappled with this question.

My daughter, for the record, believes I am doing better than before. Yet, there are times when I am sure she wonders if everything is alright with me!

We both, father and daughter, have our highs. We agree on most things, give each other space to express ourselves, and respect the other’s opinions. When those moments pass by, I am left wondering how did we manage it.

We obviously have our lows. Which usually end up in I getting frustrated or angry, and she getting sad or upset. They happen randomly at times and almost seem orchestrated on other occasions, leaving us baffled about what just happened.

With a growing kid, it’s always a struggle to achieve these highs. It was far easier when she was younger, would just look up to us before doing anything. Now she has her own opinions and sometimes we end up clashing.

Back to the question: as I reflected on the last year or so of my behaviour, I realised that the root cause of the complexity stems from the fact that I have lived my life with a different framework than what is needed today.

It is easier to say this than to change myself or to adapt to changes I am expected to consider normal. After all, the frameworks I have were built a couple of decades ago!

What worked then doesn’t work now. So, we are constantly working on changing the paradigm and our frameworks. But this change takes time.

On the other hand, our kid’s expectations from his or her parents keep on evolving. Every few weeks.

And then, when we haven’t changed enough or are barely getting to the agreed upon expectations off us, the kid’s expectations have moved on. Goading us to catch up.

On some days, we win over this change or at least manage to overcome the chasm. That day we are the best parent.

On the other days, well…

Growing up Fun.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are fun. But only when they are small.

Is what I used to think. Until a while back.

As our daughter is growing up, watching her actions and reactions is proving to be a great source of amusement. And learning. In the right way.

This week, there were two instances when I saw my own little self in her. It was both surprising and fun.

The first one was when she was prepping up for her sports day at school. Watching her get ready for participation, I was motivating her to give it her best without worrying about the result. It brought back memories of my early years when my parents used to play that role for me.

In the second instance, while on vacation, it was bemusing to see her reactions toward younger kids around us. She was giggling at their behaviour and quietly watching how their parents were acting around. But also commenting on what she liked or not about what she saw.

It was as if she was suddenly older now. Worrying about the stuff us older beings have on our mind. Aware of things around her that much more, privy to how people behave and how others react to it all.

There have been multiple such instances in the last couple of years where she has left us speechless with a most common sensical take on a topic. Or when she will utter something funny, knowingly, leaving us laughing our guts out.

The discussions we have now have also evolved. From the most basic stuff to complex phenomena, she questions me on myriad things in and around us. Some known, some left to Google, nah Perplexity, to answer.

The conversations are much more deeper. About how things work, what others feel, why certain decisions are taken, and so on. And not just from a perspective of knowing about it but debating about why it must be so, or whether it is good or bad, right or wrong.

It’s also been a lesson for me on how to understand what will work or not in any given situation and how should I be prepared with alternatives to offer her. Probably a good start considering her upcoming teenage years.

But ultimately, it is all great fun. To be with, to observe and learn from, and to be partners in crime with.

So, yes, I happily accept I was wrong. And it’s such a delight to be around her and watch her grow!

Life’s like that!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Jeev was sitting in a train. His first time. After eighteen years of being on earth!

He was born within a family of well-to-do doctors. Both his parents were extremely busy medical professionals, top of their field. That meant a life full of comfort with everything that he wanted and lots of love as their only child. Naturally, with a busy schedule, they always flew to any destination or did a car trip. Trains were always disregarded.

Those years of a cushy life were past him now. Jeev had stepped into a business school for his undergraduate course. In his first year, he had landed an internship with a big consumer goods MNC. They had posted him in a town in the hinterland to learn the ropes of the trade. A town where no aircraft went and he had to take the train…

Jeev was not sure about the experience. He had heard stories from his friends about their enjoyable train trips. He had always wanted to go on one and now, he was finally getting a chance.

As he sat down on the berth in an air-conditioned coach, he searched for a seat belt but couldn’t find any. It was perplexing, he couldn’t figure out how to secure himself. Still in his thoughts, he was jerked forward as the train started moving. Thankfully, he found and held on to the bars next to his seat and didn’t fell off it.

Pulling himself back, he settled down again. That is when he noticed the folks sitting opposite him for the first time properly. They were looking at him with some wonder. So was he, for this was the first time he had someone sitting opposite him in a long journey.

The lady in that group figured he was dazed or perhaps hungry. She offered him some sweets with an encouraging look, mumbling “Have it dear, these are home made”. It seemed to Jeev that she was trying to treat him as her own young child. Although he didn’t like the idea of him being treated like a child, one look at the sweets and his heart melted. Who could resist Bengali sweets? He reluctantly broke into a half smile and picked up one piece from the box.

It was an overnight journey and as the evening progressed, he noticed other finer details. He was amazed that he could stretch his legs fully on the berth, with no need to sit upright all the time. He was provided bedding to comfortably sleep and as he observed others go through their rituals of setting up their bed, he learnt that art too. Soon, his feet were stretched out, his back propped up against the pillow, with a bedsheet and blanket covering his feet. He could get used to this travel mode for sure!

Jeev opened his laptop but then started noticing nearby folks playing a board game, some reading books / magazines, others chatting away to glory. He started looking out the window, enchanted by the countryside scenery along the tracks. The young child opposite him was doing the same. They both looked at each other, nodded, and continued their exploration.

An hour or so later, the train halted. A few passengers got in, a few vendors selling tea too. Jeev hadn’t had tea like this before but he was intrigued by everyone clamoring for it. He signaled to the vendor to give him a cup and took out a card from his wallet. The vendor stared at him bemused. He had never encountered such a scene before. He blankly stated, “I need the ten rupees in cash, otherwise give me back the cup”. Jeev didn’t usually carry small bills in cash but thankfully had a couple of tens in his wallet, they saved the day for him!

He soon learnt from other fellow passengers that the transaction mode that worked fastest in the countryside was lower-denominated bills and if he didn’t have any, it would be a good idea to get some from the bank. He made a mental note of it, this was the first time he had been asked for ten rupees.

For the first time in any journey, Jeev had made an effort to carry his luggage. His bag was now stowed under the berth. As he looked around, he saw the others had taken extra care to lock their bags up. Not sure, he looked on. His fellow child companion offered an explanation, “This is to ensure no one can steal our bag”. Jeev was oblivious to the idea of someone stealing luggage, he had only once lost his luggage on a trip and that time too, his father had been given a reimbursement by the airline and his luggage had arrived a couple of days later.

He wasn’t sure if someone would be interested in his bag! Anyways, as he lay down to sleep he wrapped his arm around the bag’s strap. That way even if someone did try to steal it, he would wake up.

As he drifted into his sleep, he didn’t realize when he turned to the other side, swinging his arm and restraining it against the bag’s strap. Swore with pain, he half woke up and sweared to himself to get a lock the next time around. The night passed by without any incident. Jeev continued to be disturbed due to the train’s movements and got up multiple times. Thankfully, he could sleep off quickly each time.

As the morning approached and the train rolled onto his station, with half dreamy eyes, he heard someone call him out. The lady on the opposite berth was trying to wake him up, for she realized the train had reached his destination and he was still sleeping. He somehow realized she was waking him up and got up, only to realize the train was whistling to leave the station.

Hurriedly, Jeev got hold of his bag, put on his shoes, and thanking the lady, jumped out of the compartment just as the train started moving. Standing still, he took a long deep breath and looked on, as the train left the platform.

The platform was bustling. Same energy as he had seen when he had boarded the train. Same ease of effort as he had experienced with other fellow passengers. Same obliviousness to his mind as he had felt since last evening.

It was indeed an experience of a lifetime for him…

Critical Elements

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was an outdoor training exercise, whilst I was at the Indian Military Academy.

The exercise was to educate us on various firearms and how and when to use them in different situations. We were in small groups undergoing specialized trainings for different weapons. Rocket launchers, grenade launchers, different types of automated firearms, etc.

This was the last leg of our training as officers and we were all quite adept at understanding and recognizing the various aspects of handling these weapons. However, we hadn’t fired most of them yet with live ammunition and therefore the speciality of the training. Therefore, as we went through the motions, the officers and instructors in-charge of the exercise regularly cautioned us on the tiniest of details.

It’s been long. The details are hazy in my memory. But I recall the lesson very clearly.

I remember when it was my turn to fire the rocket launcher. We were in groups of two, with one person to load the rocket and another to launch it from the base of his shoulders. As we took our positions, the instructions were – clear the field in a 45 degree angle on both sides up to 30 feet (or so I remember), ensure your legs are sturdy on the ground and the launcher is squarely on your shoulder with tight hands, take aim at the target and launch, then wait for 5 seconds or so before offloading the launcher.

As me and my buddy went through the motions, we were told to be careful of each step. I remember I fired the launcher with a slightly loose hand and the recoil was so fierce and sudden that I had to balance myself really well to still keep standing.

I had missed one small detail. The reaction wasn’t severe thankfully. But enough for me to notice that if I had not followed any other instruction to the letter, it could have been quite catastrophic. As my ears buzzed with the explosion, I made it a point to follow critical elements when it was absolutely necessary…

This week, as I finally cleared my driving test in California, in the third attempt, this lesson hit me. I had come into the US with a couple of decades of driving experience. Of course not in this country but enough for me to learn quickly and drive fairly safely as per local laws.

It however took time for me to truly understand the various intricacies and expectations from a driver. After the first failed attempt I realized that I needed to pay more attention to the instructions and the handbook. I practiced for the next month and then reappeared. The result was much better but I still failed. Reason – I made one small mistake. Of not looking back while merging into a bike lane.

Well, I still believe I had not made that mistake and the instructor had ignored my reaction to call it a critical error and fail me. I was aghast at her as she didn’t call it out at that time and only when the entire test had completed with only three other errors.

Anyways, it was useless to fight the system because that’s how it is set. The instructions in the handbook have to be followed and demonstrated to prove that one can drive within the permissible boundaries.

The next few months, with travel plans and other work, I couldn’t take the test. But I kept on driving with my Indian-issued international driver’s permit and learned to take heed of every single instruction. The result, my latest attempt resulted in a pass through with just four minor errors.

Happy to have passed the test, as I traveled back from the DMV office, I recalled how simple things matter so much. How one single mistake can sometimes really be the reason for an accident. And how critical the various elements are for an instructor to test, to ensure that the driver, unknown to her, can drive safely and consciously in all settings.

This doesn’t apply to every setting or for everything we do. But it does apply to a fair no. of things in our life. Mechanical and personal.

Like driving safely. Like walking with our eyes on the street. Like handling sensitive or dangerous items carefully.

Or like being honest to ourselves. Being faithful to our partner. Being open and receptive with our family. Being a guide to our children.

The question is – are we taking care of any applicable critical elements while executing routine or special tasks on an everyday basis??

Accidental ‘Chef’

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been something that I have forever been called out for by my wife – my lack of skills in the kitchen! No prices for guessing then, this post is about an accidental achievement that I managed to turn out of nowhere…

As it happened, I was engrossed in my work and decided to take a break in the evening, as I usually do. While preparing my green tea, I saw a couple of packets of milk and so emptied them into a saucepan and put the saucepan on the stove on a low flame to boil the milk.

I must have drunk a lot of antioxidants that day in the green tea, because I forgot all about the saucepan on the stove, while I completed my evening stroll on the terrace and then resumed working. By the time my wife returned from office and found out about my mishap, I was already on a call, oblivious to my achievement!

As some of you may very well know, when we boil milk for a long time on a low flame, it becomes viscous with reduced consistency and the cream clots up in small knots. This preparation, topped with saffron, cardamom, and some dry nuts is often served in different parts of India as a sweet dish called ‘Rabri’. It also happens to be one of my favorites.

So, accidentally, I ended up preparing a sweet dish that I had no intention of (well, of course with my creative wife’s help). My wife, probably happy that the milk had not boiled over and spilled as it usually does under my jurisdiction, decided to click a couple of pics and posted to my parents and in-laws, terming it my creation (not the one in this post, that’s from the internet). They were equally astonished about this surprise turn and were actually quite shocked that I could do something like this, until I clarified about the accidental bit…

While we ate the rabri, which was of course delicious in spite of the accidental nature of its preparation, I realized that this is how life also is at times.

A lot of times, we face difficulties and a lot of heat. Sometimes, we let the heat affect us too much and boil over, spilling onto our near and dear ones and laying to waste our own happiness. When we do that, no one gets affected as much as ourselves. But it still happens in an uncontrollable manner at times, such is our human nature.

However, when we let those difficulties pass through and get by that phase in our life, pretty much absorbing the heat and making ourselves stronger and increasing our learnings, we end up transformed. With some garnishing of new experiences and personal resolve, we turn that phase on its head and emerge to do better than what we could have earlier.

It is then up to us to mould the way life shapes us, if we keep our bearings and don’t get bogged down by those umpteen curveballs that keep getting hurled at us time and time again. For what is life without a bit of clotted dreams and simmering situations!

By the way, as I finished eating the rabri and thanked my wife for all that she had done to make it more delicious than I ever could, I realized that it holds true for a lot of other things in my life. More on that in some other post…