Lesson

Disagreements…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Father and daughter disagreements are common in our home. There are quite a few petty things that we both don’t agree with each other on and argue about!

Like, how much time can one watch television. Or when is the right time to sleep. These are fun.

Then, there are the more serious ones. Like, how much should one eat. Or how much should be individual contributions to household chores.

And finally, there are the critical ones. Like, which colour combinations to wear or not. Or how much time can be spent outside home in play.

Which of these happen at what time of the day is a compeltely random phenomenon. It could be triggered by an event like getting back from school or getting back home after play. Or could be triggered while we are sitting together and spending time doing something…

Whenever we have one of these disagreements and an eventual argument, I think I am right but maybe my daughter has a point. My daughter thinks she is right but maybe there’s something I am stating that may be important. And both of us believe this completely.

During the peak of the argument, it seems like we may stick to our individual stance. However, most of the arguments end with one of us agreeing to the other’s point of view because we started with the belief that maybe the other person has a point of view that is right!

Sometimes those conclusions are reached amicably. Sometimes there is a struggle and after much pulls and pressures, one of us bows down. And then, there are a few times, when we agree to disagree and move on to deal with other stuff.

In either case, these disagreements rarely lead us to a place where we don’t talk to each other. Even when we agree to disagree, there’s reconciliation by way of hugs, kisses, or holding hands.

And while it doesn’t take us long to get into another disagreement, we rarely get into an argument about the same thing the same day. Unless, of course the trigger event recurs. Which is, quite possible!!

Eventually, these situations are making us tougher. To continue disagreeing with each other with respect for the other’s ideas. And with the tacit understanding that an argument is just that, an argument…

The meandering climb.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Aniket was panting. He was on a steep climb and was running out of breath.

He found a small rock that was protruding out, almost as if inviting him, to sit down. He took that offer.

It had been a relentless last couple of hours. Once he had reached the base of this summit, he was ecstatic. He had scaled three folds to get there.

And yet, as he looked back and then ahead, Aniket’s mind told him that he could do more. There was more power left in him to scale the next one.

Not one to ever stop for rest, he took up the challenge with aplomb. Stuffing a quick packed meal into his mouth, he gulped down some water, and took out the map to chart his course.

Aniket was ambitious. And he wanted to get to the top quickly. So, the most natural path was straight up!

He started out in zest but somewhere within the first hour itself, he could feel his legs weren’t strong enough. They needed some rest. He kept pushing though.

Then, after a while, his breathing started to give him problems. His heart rate monitor was constantly in the high zone. Eventually, when he saw the rock he was now resting on, his mind gave up and he settled down.

He was tired and soon felt asleep. After dozing for almost an hour, he woke up. As he saw around, for the first time, he noticed the beauty of the surroundings in all their might.

He had scaled many a peaks but had not seen this beauty anywhere. It was magical, paradise like. There was a light fog and the sun was peeping through the clouds, shining on some parts of the valley.

As Aniket looked around, he realised that it would be a big mistake if he just climbed up without absorbing all this nature around him. He still wanted to get to the top but his heart raced at the thought of walking through those beautiful narrow pathways he could see ahead of him.

He decided to change course. For the next couple of hours, he walked on those meandering pathways, touching the plants on the sides, enjoying spring water from the tiny streams, feeling the air around him.

It took him longer than it would have if he had climbed straight but he got to the top just before dusk. He saw the sun setting, soaking in the evening rays and their wonderful colours.

He was dead tired now but also very happy. He had listened to his heart and had gone through a new experience. Something, he would remember all his life. He slept peacefully that night.

The next morning, when he woke up, Aniket realised that what he had seen was a dream. He was in his apartment, lying next to his wife.

He lay there, staring at the ceiling and remembering the experience. And the lesson.

He could aim for the summit but that didn’t mean he had to climb straight up. There were different pathways, some of them richer than the straight climb, that he could take.

That meandering climb will take him longer but will be worth it…

Rewinding the clock

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It all began a decade ago. I was holding you in my arms for the first time.

It was such an overwhelming moment for me that I couldn’t help but cry. To memorialize that moment, I even wrote down a post.

This year, you turn 10! You arenow on the cusp of teenage.

These ten years seem to have gone by with a lot of fun and emotional moments with you, but also a few filled with guilt and remorse.

There have been times when we have wondered when will you grow up. And then a lot of times when we realize that once you grow up, we will miss the days we have lived through your childhood.

At this decadal juncture, I thought it’s a good milestone for me to reflect back on how I have done as a parent. And what would I do differently if I went back ten years. So, here are some things I would like to change.

I should have been more expressive. About my love for you. I say it often but not enough times. I have subconsciously thought of it as an evident phenomenon but it needs to be reinforced more than I think.

I should have been more patient. With you. And with myself. There have been times my impatience has led me to actions that I have instantly regretted. An angry moment, an unnecessary scolding. Some of those could have definitely been avoided.

I should have been more sensitive. In trying to get you to be disciplined, I have sometimes jumped the gun and forced the matter. I should have handled those moments with a lot more maturity.

I should have assumed more ignorance. Even on things I know enough about. Because, the joy of discovery and exploration is unbridled. And I, as your father, ought to nurture it at all times and give you more chances than I probably gave.

I should have been more specific. About my intentions in a given situation. Sometimes, I have come across as overbearing, without realizing that my intention isn’t clear to you and instead, has hurt or irritated you.

There are many more, I am sure.

Although the time that’s gone by, won’t return. Those deeds and memories I can never forget. But the times to come, can change.

So, dear daughter, when you do read this, now or later, remember that your dad is trying his best to be good at this parenting stuff. It’s my first time doing this.

What I ask of you is to hold me to these commitments for the next ten years. And the next, and the next…

Moral Compasses

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

What is it? Why do we need one? How do I explain this simply?

This question had been riling me for a while. Not because I didn’t know the explanation. But because that explanation was abstract or complex, not easily describable.

Then, this week something happened which helped me decipher the explanation!

As is the wont, our daughter made a mistake. A behavioral mistake. One that wasn’t agreeable to me or my wife. And we set out to make it right.

We knew we had to nip that behavior in the bud and at the same time help our daughter realize how she needs to change it.

This wouldn’t have been possible by positing as the usual dad, which I am often guilty of. It rather needed me to wear a different hat and check in my biases, inhibitions, and suggestions at the door. I chose to have a heart to heart with her.

Sitting down, we had a long conversation. About what had led her to behave like she did. How had it not been obvious to her that it wasn’t right. And what was her observation post her behavior. As well as of those around her.

I gave her the room to speak her mind and tell me what she was thinking before and after. And how did she perceive it.

As we dived in, I realized that I needed to give her a tool which could help her in similar situations going forward. So, I explained to her the code that I follow. “Don’t do something that you cannot tell about to everyone”.

She took my advice and has course corrected, apologizing to a couple of friends at the rough end of the behavior. As well as making peace with herself that although she slipped some, we caught on to her and she is back to her usual self.

But as I thought about it, I realized the simplicity with which I had explained a very important concept to her. That of morality and how to judge it!

For what is morality? How we ought to see ourselves or how we see others? How we ought to do ourselves or how we do to others? They are both intertwined I believe, in a circular motion.

Morality moves in tandem with who we are, and what we do. Whatever we choose, our morals become that. And that compass continues to guide us in the direction that we had already chosen…

For those who help us!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are spoilt. There are too many folks helping us all around. Be it at our homes, offices, or in general across the society.

And yet, we don’t pay enough attention towards them. We don’t care much about who they are or how they are, only about what they do for us. And if it is done well.

This past week, three instances threw me into this side of the brooding pond, with questions like these.

The first one was at the office, where my company celebrated the Independence Day by inviting the support staff at the office to take the limelight and showcase their talent. Quite something, I must confess!

As I served some of them during the ensuing lunch, it allowed me a closer look at who they really were. I believe I have always been respectful to them while at the office, but that afternoon gave me a chance to observe them from close quarters, cheer for them as they performed, and serve them to show my gratitude.

What I saw was normal, regular folks, who had the same demeanour, similar preferences, and probably same aspirations. They are just in the role they are in today because of certain circumstances. But they deserve equally the same level of respect and courtesy as others around us.

The second one was when I was going through the process of hiring a driver for ourselves. I went through trials with a couple of recommendations. Post that, when I had to finally make a choice, it wasn’t an easy decision.

I had to weigh in their performance behind the wheel, their behaviour while being around, and their soft skills. As I thought through the final choice, I realised my decision had a bearing on not just my experience in those 30 minutes but also had a bearing on the person’s life and of those associated with him.

In the end, I decided based on not only the overall driving experience but also the personality and the real person behind them, as much as I could gauge during my interaction.

The third one was the flag hoisting and celebrations within my community. I saw smartly turned out security guards and helping staff, putting together a fine assembly and ceremony.

During my interactions with some of them this week, I got to know a few of them better and realised they were doing all they could to deliver the best on their job. And took pride in how they do it.

It made me realise that the only reason I can be confident about my community’s security, smooth functioning, cleanliness, and so many other things is because of all these people. And they deserve to be respected and supported for what they do for us.

These experiences made me question myself about how I look at those who serve me, help me, support me through my life. Am I being a good fellow human being to them? Or am I considering it my birthright to be served and helped so?

Hopefully, I am doing the right thing. And hopefully, I continue to do the right thing…

Present, Sir…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Monish was smiling. Sitting at the back bench of the class, he could see his classmates get up one after the other, as their name was called out to mark attendance.

Monish still had time, the roll call had only reached names starting with G. There were seven more students before him to be called out. He sat there bemused, watching his classmates.

His mind went back to the previous year, when he had more classmates after him in the roll call than before. That meant he had to be alert early on, as soon as the teacher started. It also meant he couldn’t take pleasure in noticing his fellow classmates, something he enjoyed doing.

There were instances the previous year when he had been late to the class owing to a break, which put him in an awkward position. While the teachers didn’t mind students rushing to the toilets in between classes, they sure didn’t appreciate having to go back in their register to mark a certain missed student again.

Once, the embarrassment had become too much to handle. That day, Monish had got stuck waiting in the queue, reaching the class just as the last name was being called out. He had got a scolding from the teacher for a full five minutes. Helpless, he had just listened to the rant and then sat down sheepishly.

Now however, he had a full army of classmates before him. So, he could take a longer break if he wanted to. It also allowed him to fool around with his friends for a bit longer.

This however, also meant he remained more distracted in class than the year before. Earlier, he would quickly finish whatever he was doing to get ready for the next class. Now, he started taking his own sweet time, sometimes neglecting the urgency needed. It had become a pattern, unbeknown to him.

In a nonchalant manner, smiling, he drooled over the setting. But not for long. His name got called out, and he had to stand up. His voice was rather casual, as if he was lost somewhere. “Present, sir”, he uttered meekly.

“Monish, keep standing. I have something to ask of you today”. The teacher asked him, seemingly in a foul mood.

Soon after the roll call finished, and he became the center of attraction of the class. Everyone was waiting in anticipation as to what the teacher is going to say or do. Monish was not sure why the teacher had called him out. He too looked intently.

The teacher came round to his desk and asked him matter of fact, “Can you tell me what was the class work I asked everyone about just before I started the roll call”?

Monish wasn’t prepared for this question. He was in the class but hadn’t paid attention to the teacher’s entrance or the first few sentences he spoke. He had been lost in his own world.

Looking sorry, he replied, “I don’t remember, sir”.

“Were you in the class when I came in”, asked the teacher. The reply was an affirmative nod.

“Then how did you not register what I was telling everyone”? The tone was unsettling.

Monish didn’t have any answers. Although it was a minor thing, he looked shaken. He had let himself be lost to the point of not paying enough attention. And the teacher had recognized this.

As if aware that he had made his point, the teacher turned around mentioning “sit down”.

Monish couldn’t fathom how it had happened. In his quest for observing others, he had let himself be absent from what was happening around.

The class ended. The school day did too. A normal one at that. Monish’s mind however had registered something significant.

He needed to be present in the present…

States of Mind.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Over the last couple of months, I have gone through a gamut of emotions.

At times, I have been elated. Maybe it was a new experience, or it was the feeling of having done something good at work or home. Or sometimes, just the invincible feeling of being in a good place!

And then, just the next day or immediately afterwards, I have felt gloomy and uncertain. Either because of something that occurred, or a worry about how things will turn out for us, or just anxiety about random life-related questions.

A few times, I have even felt frustrated and angry. About how things are turning out or not, or because of certain discussions at work or at home.

As I took some time this weekend to reflect on what’s happening around me, it took me a while to register that my state of mind has been quite haywire over these last couple of months.

I have been troubled, relieved, and happy. All within a short span. I cannot put a finger on why somethings happened the way they did, or why I reacted the way I did.

But as I dug deeper, I realised that I had taken a lot of pressure on myself owing to our move back. I was determined to get things done the right way and didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. In the process, the stress showed on me in these unpredictable manners.

Now that the move is done, and we are settling down, it is of course easier for me to relax a bit. But having lived in a heightened state of existence for a while, it’s not been as easy to switch off.

While I take my time to get back to normalcy, I realise that I shouldn’t have taken things so hard on myself. Maybe, the next time something so life altering is happening, I ought to take it easy. Or perhaps, adopt the same rigorous approach but with the allowance of slip ups.

After all, it’s important to not lose my state of mind in trying to get things done the right way always…

The lapse

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was an orangish hue in the sky that evening. The sun was setting and a gentle breeze had had a good effect on the man, standing at the balcony in his high rise apartment in the heart of the city.

He had been a very successful entrepreneur. His startup had been a recognised and celebrated one, with successful operations across the country.

And yet, he felt that he hadn’t done enough. He was contemplating that day what he could do to change things. And as he stared at the setting sun and faced the gentle breeze, his mind drifted back into his past.

He remembered the days spent in his college, when he made great friends and amazing mistakes. And within all that mayhem, managed to do well in studies to secure a high paying corporate job.

It was only his self-insistence to do something different that had led him to move out of that job after a couple of years and roam around the country to absorb things.

As he recalled more, he remembered how while travelling the remotest parts of the country, he had hit upon his business idea. And how he had worked at perfecting the concept, not worrying about the time lost or what others would think.

After a few months of deliberations, he had then launched the startup and hit a home goal from the beginning. There were a fair share of hits and misses but the idea had merit and his startup constantly inched forward, to prove itself to its customers in the remotest towns and villages.

He had then expanded his horizons to provide multiple ancillary services. Again on the back of his insights that he continued to gather through his inland tours every few months.

Ten years had passed since the last time he had travelled inland. Increasing pressure on him and the demands on his time made him stop those. And slowly, with the influx of more senior managers, he had taken a back seat to enjoy the fruits of his labour.

It was only this late in life he was realising that it had not been enough. He had yearned to do more but somehow had ended up short.

Not for the want of desire. But for the lack of consistency to continue on the path he had set for himself.

He stepped back a bit, absorbed the evening, and breathed heavily. It was time to reset himself on the path. To walk again toward the destination he had set for himself.

For what he aspired for was still some distance away. In spite of the lapse, there was still time. He could yet walk on his path and reach his goal…

“Little” Things

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Life for a lot of us is serious business and about those big moments. We live it with all sincerity and sometimes make it too stressful for ourselves.

But it need not be so always. I had this realisation this week through something which happened very casually…

This Friday, my daughter traveled in a metro train for the first time in her conscious memory. It was a usual trip with her grandparents and while I didn’t expect it, she was visibly elated at the chance to take a metro ride.

When I picked her up after the ride, she was ecstatic. On our way home, she talked about her journey briefly. She also kept on looking at the various under construction flyovers and ones where we had to cross under them, thinking those were for the metro and pointing them to us. It was a memorable experience for her and she expressed it openly.

As I saw her excitement, it took me back to the days when I first rode on an airplane and how I also had the same enthusiasm for sharing my experience with others. I was in my teens then and hadn’t ‘experienced’ life.

However a few years later, when I took my first metro ride, or when I first traveled outside India, while I was amazed at the experiences, I didn’t show much enthusiasm to share them with others but chose to keep them to myself.

As life has passed by, such smaller things slowly have stopped carrying the same significance that similar experiences carried earlier. I have become much more reserved in expressing them, perhaps considering them par for the course or just being too aware.

Maybe it has happened because there are other things which occupy my mind. And those bigger things prevent it from acknowledging the smaller things for a while longer than before.

Or maybe while there’s happiness in these new experiences, I have been corrupted and unable to give them their due.

Whatever it may be, this Friday’s incidence made me think about those little experiences. How they not only gave me happiness when I went through them but continue to remain fresh in my memory even now.

It also made me think about the many small and happy experiences I continue to have on a regular basis and how I need to be more aware of acknowledging them, sharing them with others, and being thankful for these small joys that life is bringing my way.

As it is many a times, profound things are often understood when we aren’t searching for meaning with a candle light!

Adversity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This is one word we don’t wish for ourselves. Or for those we care about.

However, rarely has someone gone in their life without facing some or the other adversity. It might have been for a short while but none of us have been spared.

While no one likes discomfort or uncertainty, when faced with adversity of any kind, we react in different ways. Some of us face it head on, some hide and wish it goes past, and yet others adopt ambivalence towards it.

Whatever the attitude we display, any and all adversities affect us profoundly! And teach us a lot.

Today, talking to my parents about times gone by, we were remembering some olden days and talking about how things have changed. It reminded me of some tough times I faced.

A few years back, I was in a pretty bad shape. I had suffered a couple of setbacks and was going through a very hard time in all senses. It was something that I had never come across in my life till then, and it shook me to the core.

My parents, who had gone through hard times, used to console me and tell me that it shall all pass and things will be bright again. Even then, I couldn’t understand if and how I will get out of that storm. The only thing I could and was encouraged by others to do was to keep moving forward. But the discomfort was so high, it made me question a lot of things and be circumspect about everything.

Indeed, times changed and improved for the better. Somehow, I managed to get out of that situation gradually. Now when I look back and think about how I managed to stay afloat, it does seem doable.

In our everyday lives, we similarly go through a lot of difficulties and tough times. Variation in magnitude not withstanding, those are days or months we somehow manage to pass through but hope we don’t have to go through again.

And yet, those are times that also help us understand some aspects of life, which we probably had never applied our minds to. They teach us a lot and help us reset directions.

Today’s conversation made me realise that if we weather the storm and manage to sail through it, we would at least, if nothing else, have become a better sailor!

Something, I am going to remind myself about as I go along, to ease present day discomforts and handle any adversities with a song in the heart…