Marriage

Family

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend, I spent some great time with my cousins and close family while one of our sisters got married. It was a reminder about the power of small yet beautiful.

Keeping with the times, it was a gathering of about 40 people. We were all cocooned in a cosy resort for 3 days while trying to maintain pandemic protocols amid the wedding functions.

Initially, we weren’t sure about how the entire arrangement would come through. And if it would be as much fun as it is when a bigger gathering ensues. But as we checked in and the 3 days passed, the experience grew on us.

These 3 days taught me an important aspect of how we function as a family and how quality outweighs quantity in terms of time.

For one, while the scale of functions or the amount of craziness associated with big Indian weddings was missing, we got to spend more time having fun with each other. With limited people in attendance, functions got over faster, leaving us with ample time to fool around, catch up with each other, and spend quality time together.

And with the arrangements being taken care of beforehand by the amazing groom, we had less to worry and more to enjoy. It was like a 3-day holiday for us, looking our best, enjoying with family and friends, and having some good food and fun together.

Another important aspect was the opportunity we got to know people on the other side, which at times remains perfunctory and limited, owing to the constant flux of functions one after the other. With more time on hand, we talked to others, made new friends, and added to our fun factor.

While the size may have been smaller, the coming together of the immediate families and time spent in the 3 days was a reminder of the value the extended families have in the growing nuclear family scenario and how that support system is absolutely critical to have enriched experiences.

Even if not on account of marriages, such get togethers act like a good dose of life and are perhaps more required now, when we are all so caught up in our daily individual routines.

As we all bid our goodbyes to each other and headed to our respective homes, the aftertaste and fun moments continued to linger on through the journey back home and brought a smile every now and then to my face.

On to the next such get-together then, hopefully in better times!

Wow Moments!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrated our 10th anniversary this week. And to celebrate it, wifey and I took off on a long drive. Perhaps to symbolise how far we have come…

As we got out of the city and headed down the highway, with no particular aim but to roam around and return back by the night, it was a wow feeling. In the decade that we have been married, as life has progressed through the paces, such wandering without an aim has been reduced to these seldom moments and so this one was after a really long time.

There were times earlier when we would just go around, with nothing particular in mind, just to spend time together. Especially before marriage, when we would meet on a weekend and try and catch up and spend as much time together. Even after marriage, at times, we would just go out and enjoy ourselves without the encumbrance of time.

But as life passed on, and we got more and more busy at work and at home, the aimless excursions gave way to specific outings. Going to the mall for shopping or movies. Or for a meal. Or to a park on a Sunday. Going out of town on vacations ofcourse had those moments but then again with a destination in mind. Long drives however had almost been relegated to the annals of history until this week.

As we took off and got out in the open, without a destination in mind or a time limit to reach there, or any specific task or work on our minds, it rekindled in my mind the wanderlust of yore. And as we drove on and kept going at our own pace, absorbing the surroundings and talking about random things, it was amazing! Without the trials and tribulations of everyday life, just going on without a purpose, was fun.

Living with each other, through thick and thin, deepening our understanding of and commitment to each other, the last 10 years have been great. But those moments together, when we don’t have a worry in the world and spend time together, are pure bliss. Those are when I experience the wow!

So, as I parked the car at home after the long drive, I resolved to do so more often. Hopefully, more such wow moments in the next decade…

Suitability

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We Indians have many pre-conceived notions and beliefs. Some due to our traditions and some due to age old practices that are still prevalent today.

One of the biggest notions that I have encountered is that of getting girls married as early as possible. Even now, when girls are breaking all barriers and leading in most fields they chose to operate in, there is still this unsaid undercurrent that runs in most Indian families.

It is as if the prime responsibility of being a girl is to ensure that you get married. Hence, parents start searching for a suitable match as soon as they can and don’t sit still unless they find one. Or in a lot of cases now, until they accept the choice that their daughter has made for herself.

And while there are a few cases of girls choosing to marry when they believe is the right time for them, or placing career over marital decisions; in most cases, the tradition continues…

Therefore, those parents, who choose to let their daughters be and instead of pressurising her to get married, wait for the right time, unperturbed by the traditions and pressures of the society, deserve a special thank you.

For letting their daughter not be bogged down by an unworthy choice or a compromise. For letting her chart her own path in life. And for believing that even if she doesn’t get married, it doesn’t matter and is not the end of the world for her, for she has far greater powers in her to live a worthy life.

Because more than anything else, suitability is determined not by what the family wants but what the daughter wants. Unless she finds someone suitable and worthy enough to spend her life with, the family ought to support her choices and stand behind her. And even if she doesn’t find someone suitable, it’s fine.

I have seen a few cases in my family and have immense respect for them. And every time I meet someone like that, like I did this weekend, it inspires me with the thought that India is slowly changing and we are according more and more respect to the fairer and stronger gender…

More power to such girls. And ultra power to their parents!

Marriages and Happy Endings

~ Rishi

The past week, I was in my hometown for my cousin sister’s wedding. It was a grand affair, as weddings in India tend to be. As much as I will remember it for the fun we had, I will also recall it for the changing social moorings.

In our society, marriage is a landmark in a girl’s life. It’s almost as if she has been reborn into a new role with a new life.

Until marriage, she lives life carefree, like a starlet / diva, the favourite child. She is hinged to the support provided by her family. Suddenly, she steps over to a new life and world. Where she is expected to be responsible and cautious. She has to adhere to new norms and practices at the in-laws. And she probably doesn’t know anyone well enough (unless it’s a love marriage).

So, when the marriage ceremonies end and the bride leaves the house, there’s a river of emotions running through everyone – the bride, her parents and siblings, and other near and dear ones. This often culminates in large bouts of crying and hugging and a general gloom about the daughter leaving for a different abode.

Let me confess a bit here. I have always been one whose eyes get moist in an emotionally charged atmosphere. I remember having a lump in my throat on a previous occasion when my cousin sister, elder to me, was being sent off. When I got married almost 10 years ago, I had a similar feeling but with a lower magnitude.

But somewhere in my mind, I have been troubled that apart from the grief of separation and distance, it also happens because somewhere we are considering that the daughter no more belongs to our house or that she is an outsider in the new house. Or that the son-in-law belongs to another household.

Which isn’t the right way of looking at it. Even if the social practice demands that the daughter-in-law stay with her husband, she still is a daughter of the house and should be treated like one. Although she has jumped ship to come to her husband’s side, henceforth she is going to be an integral part of the family and hence should be placed on the same pedestal as the son. Or for that matter, the son-in-law has agreed to live his life with the daughter and therefore has become an equal part of the family.

So last week, as the marriage rituals concluded and the last hour approached, I was expecting a prolonged farewell session.

Instead, to my surprise, it turned out to be a happy farewell. My sister’s mother-in-law took the lead and gave confidence to my uncle, aunt and others that she is going to be treated like a daughter and they needn’t worry about anything. Her assurance and confidence preempted the grief of separation and actually turned it into a celebratory send-off. Hats off to Aunty!!!

Not that others wouldn’t have tried or the assurances don’t work. Sometimes they do. I have heard of a couple of marriages where the farewell happened in a celebratory mode.

This however for me was the first time I was witnessing it live. And it was so refreshing. When I reflected back, I realised that in this case, marriage was just a ritual and the happy farewell was perhaps a by-product of the rapport that my sister and her in-laws had built up. And the knowledge of the fact implicitly comforted my uncle and aunt – that their daughter will continue to be a daughter on the other side as well.

Wish every marriage culminates in such a happy farewell. After all, it’s a celebration and the bride and groom are getting a new set of parents…

Independent or Dependent?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend, as I was reading my newsletters and some interesting articles on the web, I came across a brilliant piece by a HBS professor, Clayton M. Christensen (Link at the bottom). The article had appeared in the HBR July 2010 issue and really spoke to me.

Subsequently, during a casual conversation with friends, we were discussing about family ties and bonding and went into the territory of dependence/independence.

As I reflected afterwards, an important thought formed shape – How independent or dependent are we?

To think through the topic, I went through my own journey in life…

I was born and brought up in small towns in the central part of India. Had a joint family and stayed with my grandmother and uncles and aunts till I turned 12. Even after that, although I stayed with my parents wherever they moved, life revolved around the joint family, with cousins and extended families and their support.

Only post my school, I stepped on to the outside world and started living on my own. As I have progressed with my career and then my own family, distances have increased, meeting with the extended family and cousins have become infrequent, and life has generally been getting busier each passing year.

Now I am sure, this is happening with many of us in India. It is a common phenomenon in the developed world where nuclear families have become de-facto and children move out of the home to get on with their life once they finish school.

We call this independence and take pride in how we are now handling our matters without anyone’s help or interference. Nothing wrong with that. But we forget that within this independence lies a dependence.

In the earlier social milieu, our joint families supported us, our cousins kept us company, our grandparents ensured proper upbringing. If not the joint family, the community and it’s support used to carry us forward. But now, with no such support system in our cities, we have become much more dependent on our spouse than earlier.

As our children grow up, they will pursue their careers and move out to different cities and countries. And we, who raised the child(ren) will be left behind, possibly to take care of each other for a few years/decades. Without too much of a support system / people around to help out.

And in some cases, as evident from the rising differences between couples and growing rate of divorces, the past few decades/years were spent in a race which pulled the couple apart. So may not exactly be a support system in some cases. Then what?

I am not espousing or eschewing any side here – just a thought that I reflected upon today and thanked God for the support I have got till now and for my family. And reminded myself of how I need to keep building and strengthening my relationship with my wife and daughter and continue my bond with friends and family for years to come!

PS: link to the article is

https://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life

Unifying India

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

The other day I was sitting with one of my friends and we were just talking about random stuff when I was drawn to a rather normal detail – he is a Bengali, his wife is a Sindhi. It’s nothing out of the blue, I mean people are getting married as per their choice all over the place. But something in this detail stuck to me!

Well, to put things straight, even I have had a love marriage (a rather long labour of love for 5 years before we tied the knot :)). I am a Brahmin from MP and my wife a Marwari from Jharkhand. And we have instances in our family of inter-religion marriages as well, so it’s nothing awkward for me that two people of different castes/religions get married. What really stuck me was the amalgamation of cultures that’s happening across the board within our generation.

In older times, when arranged marriages used to be the norm, most of the alliances were in same religion/caste and to a great extent, even region. It was likeness that paved the way for a successful marriage! Remember, old aunties saying “she is of the same caste, will be able to adjust easily”…

But come our generation, the concept of arranged marriages has been overtaken by people marrying each other based on their choices. And that’s quite a profound thing that’s happening right now in India. As more and more of us get married into different castes/religions/cultures, I believe we are becoming more tolerant of the way others in the society live. And that’s great because it, in my opinion, is bringing the people of India closer.

Imagine, after a few years when Muslims will be marrying Hindus openly without any drama, Sikhs will be getting hitched to Christians and Rajputs to South Indian Brahmins, and so on. The simple idea of marrying based on your choice will create a strong harmony amongst religions, societies and castes that years of efforts couldn’t do! It’s already started, and it’s only going to become better with age! 🙂

Hopefully then films like 2 States would no longer be novelty amongst most people in the hinterland, it will be a commonplace occurrence surrounding one of the most beautiful institutions that India has taught the world how to be successful in. And it will be an India not only tolerant of its diversities but proud of the vastness of its amalgamated culture!!!