Past

Reliving a lived experience.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are moments in life which we relish and often remember. In the hope that we could relive them again or at least feel the same way again.

And then there are experiences which shape us. They may not necessarily be in the earlier category but are important to us as an individual.

This last week, I had an opportunity to relive a lived experience, one that fundamentally shaped me.

It was a visit to the Indian Military Academy, which I graduated from more than two decades ago. Those were the most formative years in my life, joining the Academy as an eighteen year old.

Thanks to a course mate, who was able to get a tour arranged, I visited the institution along with my family. As the assigned staff member took us around, I recounted some of my experiences to my wife and our daughter.

It was poignant to walk the same corridors once again. Now as a civilian, but with the same proud feeling of being able to walk there.

It was nostalgic to visit the rooms and stand in the same place I spent countless days in. And feel a little bit of what I went through in those days.

It was reliving memories filled with bitter sweet moments as I saw other parts of the academy. The playgrounds, the practice areas, the places I used to go past every day.

It was a reminder of how much things have evolved. The staff member was kind enough to detail how many things had changed from those days to now, and we compared them with what we used to do. They ought to be, in two decades.

It was fun to recall some of my experiences and share them with my family, as we zipped past some of the best and worst memories of the days lived there.

Finally, as we completed the tour and bid farewell to the staff member, driving out on the main road, I felt a tinge of sadness within myself. For the entire tour had ended in a couple of hours and my journey of reliving the lived experiences had ended.

I was overwhelmed thinking about how much time had passed since those days. At the same time, I was thankful that I got this opportunity.

Enough for me to carry fresh impressions of my days spent in that place so many years ago…

Frustrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

They are difficult. They take a lot out of you.

They are also very engaging. And can keep you occupied, thinking about related stuff and going down a rabbit hole.

They are however, also a source of motivation. To do things differently. And try something new.

This past week, I went through all these stages…

As I felt the weight of frustration tugging at my heart and mind, it felt like I got stopped in the tracks.

The frustration had been building for a while. I had seen signs of it in between but I kept going, disregarding those signs. Or rather telling myself that it will get resolved on its own.

What I didn’t realize was that the underlying reasons for the frustration weren’t going away. And with time, they only became more pronounced.

When the feeling hit me, it took me a while to digest the situation I was in. It was as if I was stuck in a maze while trying to find my way out.

This wasn’t the first time I was going through such an experience. But even then, each time is different. And the initial thoughts are always muddled.

As if on cue, my mind took it upon itself to remind me of all the past signs that I had seen but ignored. I kept going back in time and thinking about all related things.

It was only after a couple of days of being in that zone, did I get to unraveling the sources of the frustration. That too after realizing that there was no point in wallowing in the past and it was better to figure out how to move ahead.

However, I first had to fight with my mind to stop going into the past and instead help me weigh my options and path forward. It wasn’t easy but somehow, having done this before, I was able to get my mind to agree.

Then came a long process to map out possibilities and what would work best for me. And then sharing it all with my wife to help me understand if my thoughts are in the right direction.

This entire week went past in dealing with this episode. But I was glad I could come out on the other side with some positive thoughts and a plan of action. And that it didn’t take longer than this.

Hopefully I can now get to execute these plans!

In the moment!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We were at a school event. Our daughter and her classmates were going to perform in front of their parents.

Seated slightly far away, we were observing the kids performances relatively calmly. When our daughter’s turn came to perform, we took out our mobiles and captured it customarily on video.

Post that day, we haven’t looked at that video even once! And I am not sure if we will ever look at it again.

Except for maybe when the photos app throws it as a reminder, about what happened that day or month back in 2024. Which will be nostalgic and a memory worth preserving.

Or so it seems…

What about the actual event and why we had been there? What about capturing that memory in our hearts when it was actually happening?

That day, as well as every now and then, when there’s something happening worth watching, I see everyone zoom in on their phone cameras. Strategically positioned in front of their eyes or just above, to avoid the swarm of heads in front.

Trying to keep our hands stable, so that the video doesn’t shake, we strive to capture the happening for posterity.

But in that process, I haven’t seen myself enjoy the actual show as much. As much as when I don’t have my phone camera switched on.

Maybe it’s me. I don’t like to double task.

Or maybe it’s my rational mind. Why waste phone memory when I have the actual event captured in my mind and heart?

Or maybe it is the pressure of not doing what everyone else is doing. And how can I not follow societal norms!

Or maybe, it’s the anxiety of losing out on this moment once it’s gone and so capturing it makes more sense.

Or maybe (the last one), I do care about posterity and nostalgia and do want to save these memories forever, for some AI to notify and auto generate albums and slideshows somewhere in the distant future.

I don’t know which maybe is the correct one here. Genuinely.

Maybe (ah!), I ought to think more about when to capture and when to just enjoy what is happening in front of me. My own AI (active intelligence)!!!

Throes of Wants

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

“Badal”, the man’s ears echoed, the Hindi word for change. It seemed like his soul was telling him to change the ways of his life.

He kept sitting and staring at the sky. It was almost sunset, with the last light few minutes away. As he watched the sun going down, his life ran in front of him…

He remembered the initial, fun filled days when he would spend hours with his friends walking around the markets. He remembered how they went to the movies and had luncheons that lasted for four hours.

He also remembered how he met his wife and the days they spent during their courtship at the cafés jotting the downtown streets.

It all seemed long ago. For as life caught on, he just got busy and somehow never got time again to do all of those things.

With work occupying his life, he had kept everything aside. For he wanted all the money he could earn to buy all the things he ever wanted.

He had spent the last decade or so amassing all those material desires. He had a big house, a couple of fancy cars, watches, suits, gadgets. The list was endless.

But today as he stared at the horizon, he was feeling empty inside. He had no friends around. His wife had left him. No kids.

It seemed as if he was all alone in this wide world.

With a heavy heart, he got up. His life was done. If he had any hope of changing it, he had to make amends. He had to give up his urge to fulfil his desires and wants, and instead focus on relationships and love.

Resolving in his mind, he turned around and walked to his car. It was time to get home and chalk out the plan for getting things on track.

Just as he was getting in, he saw the car parked next to his. It was the latest model of a new breed, something he had been researching upon.

He stood there admiring the contours. He then moved around it, looking inside to get a feel. It was expensive! And he wanted it!

It was time to hit the job circuit and get a raise to buy that car. There was no waiting. Everything else would wait, as always…

The Green Grass…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It is amazing how time passes by and things still remain the same.

This weekend, as I met a couple of my Army course mates and we spent a few hours charting our courses and what has been happening in our lives, I was amazed to notice this being re-emphasized.

As it happened, after I moved out of the Armed forces and passed over to the civilian life (that is the lingo, the world separating those in uniform from those without), my life took multiple twists and turns. Some of it natural, some of it accidental, some perhaps of my own making.

But during all these times, I always held the greatest regard for what life once had in store for me on the other side of the fence. May be because of the childhood dream that was only partially fulfilled, or perhaps due to the realisation at multiple points in time that while a difficult life, the one in uniform is much more simpler and straight forward, with the path being set in front of you. The grass a lot of times appeared greener and fertile on that side, indeed.

And then there were my course mates, some of whom were not really planning to stay on in that life for long or wanted to gain more out of life. That simplicity and straight forward nature had become mundane and they wanted something out of turn. For them, the grass was greener this side of the fence.

This weekend, as we three friends sat down and spoke about what’s happening, we compared our lives, our work, our social circles, settings, and so on. And you guessed it, it was mutual admiration about the greener grass on either side.

Later on, as I was returning home, I was musing about how many times this has happened to me. While I smiled about how it keeps on repeating itself, as my thoughts ran deep, they took me to those other instances when I have wished to be on some side of the lawn which at that point of time appeared greener. Without realising that where I am standing also has a lot of blooming flowers and tiny buds awaiting to blossom. Without understanding that where I am today is because of so much effort and hard work spent toiling on the end of the lawn I am at. But with a lot of judgement that what I have done hasn’t amounted to much, in comparison to the other person.

It’s amazing that we routinely do this and then disturb our own happiness to seek the mirage that may not even be the oasis that it promises to be. Yet, we do it each time, habituated to find something that is not right in our lives. And that often leads to diversions in our path, which could otherwise had led us to the end goal that we were seeking.

Of course, it is not true for all of us. And there are some good reasons to move over to the other side, jump ships, take u-turns, or just branch off. I have done it and I am sure so have others.

What’s important though, before making that jump, is to really evaluate and identify the actual reason for the push. Is it born out of just the desire to be on the greener side of life, or is there something innate that is forcing us to uproot ourselves. If it is the latter, there are often good reasons. But if it is the former, perhaps it is time to look down and behind, to understand the colour of our own grass and it’s future!

Those forgotten gems!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are lots of aspects in our life’s history that we cherish. Some of them are things we possessed once, some of them memories of times gone by, and some a recollection of events that happened.

These things, while from the past, always give us a smile and remind us of those good times. Keeps us in good spirits.

This week, my parents came over. And as my mother was unpacking, she took out a long forgotten relic for our daughter. Magnetic chess and Ludo game boards.

The moment I saw it, it instantly brought a smile to my face and flashes of those times when my brother and I played with them at home and during our train journeys. I was excited to see if the magnets still retained their properties and wanted to play again. And the little one was just excited to lay her hands on something which her dad used to play with!

As I thought back about this experience, I realised that in earlier days, we used to keep our stuff very carefully and preserve them for long. That meant rediscovering these treasures in the future and rekindling those memories was a possibility.

In today’s world though, we have somewhere moved on. A few of our things have gone in to the digital realm. And our attachment with those that we buy physically is lesser.

So, we throw away things which aren’t being used. Or give them away to others. And with them, go our associated memories and the chance of rediscovery.

The only things we do tend to keep for long these days are the memories that get stored digitally. Our pictures, videos, and notes.

And while, it can be argued that keeping all the obsolete or useless stuff isn’t helping much, it at least gives us the chance of remembering those times again. Whether physically storing them or digitally keeping them.

These stored relics form an important part of our life’s narrative and gives us a shot at reliving those experiences again.

And hence preserving these priceless gems as best as we can is even a responsibility that we owe to our next generations. To let them gain from life the same way we have!