The hidden facade

February 2, 2025 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Varun loathed himself. Sitting in his cabin, he couldn’t wish the feeling away…

It had been a week of intense discussions. It was annual performance review time and being the head of department, he had quite a big team. As was the practice, he had to discuss his team’s performance and share their ratings individually.

When Varun had joined the corporate world, almost twenty years back, he had promised himself that he will bring his authentic self to work.

As years progressed, that was what he was known for too. Straight forward, always authentic in what he thinks and says. People liked him for that.

Then, as he hit the middle management layer, and decided to aim for the higher echelons, he suddenly realized that this value of his wasn’t much appreciated in the new circle.

They all talked about how he had to also be tactful and read the room before saying anything. How he must hold on to his feelings and not let them show on his face. And how it all mattered to the big bosses, how much in control he appeared when he did so.

Gradually, he became the person that he promised not to. Over the last couple of years, he had towed the management’s line. He had not been authentic at all times. And while, others may not have realized it, he did!

That week, as he went through his review meetings, he had realized that he was not being his authentic self more often than not.

In the eagerness to be seen as likable, he didn’t given the right feedback to a few of his team members. With a couple of others, he had been unnecessarily harsh, because he thought they wouldn’t fit in the right category in the management’s view.

That Friday, as he sat in his cabin, thinking through the week, he had nothing but loathe for himself. For how he had turned out to be this unauthentic, facetious person. He couldn’t believe this is what he had come to.

He kept staring at the wall in front of him for a long time, looking back at all these years of his work life and how his behavior had come to this.

Then, with a heavy heart, he got up and dragged himself home. That evening was a restless one for him, he couldn’t come to terms with himself.

His wife, who had known him even before he had started working, knew something was amiss. She sat him down and reasoned with him. She had already observed that he had let go of his authentic self, and had seen this coming.

She gave him courage to find the mistakes he had made in recent times and discussed openly with him on how he thought he could correct those. As those thoughts crystalized, Varun saw the fog lifting from his mind.

Monday, as soon as he got into the office, he invited those few team members he wanted to speak to. He met with them one by one, telling them that he had not been his authentic self and then sharing the real feedback he had for them.

That evening, as he walked out of the office, he came across a picture from one of his older albums his phone had surfaced. It was from the time when he had gone for his first rock climbing trip.

The picture was of him holding on to the grappling rope with fear on his face. It was of a time long gone by, but it was of that authentic Varun he had known for a long time. And who he had recalled today after a long time…

In the moment!

October 27, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We were at a school event. Our daughter and her classmates were going to perform in front of their parents.

Seated slightly far away, we were observing the kids performances relatively calmly. When our daughter’s turn came to perform, we took out our mobiles and captured it customarily on video.

Post that day, we haven’t looked at that video even once! And I am not sure if we will ever look at it again.

Except for maybe when the photos app throws it as a reminder, about what happened that day or month back in 2024. Which will be nostalgic and a memory worth preserving.

Or so it seems…

What about the actual event and why we had been there? What about capturing that memory in our hearts when it was actually happening?

That day, as well as every now and then, when there’s something happening worth watching, I see everyone zoom in on their phone cameras. Strategically positioned in front of their eyes or just above, to avoid the swarm of heads in front.

Trying to keep our hands stable, so that the video doesn’t shake, we strive to capture the happening for posterity.

But in that process, I haven’t seen myself enjoy the actual show as much. As much as when I don’t have my phone camera switched on.

Maybe it’s me. I don’t like to double task.

Or maybe it’s my rational mind. Why waste phone memory when I have the actual event captured in my mind and heart?

Or maybe it is the pressure of not doing what everyone else is doing. And how can I not follow societal norms!

Or maybe, it’s the anxiety of losing out on this moment once it’s gone and so capturing it makes more sense.

Or maybe (the last one), I do care about posterity and nostalgia and do want to save these memories forever, for some AI to notify and auto generate albums and slideshows somewhere in the distant future.

I don’t know which maybe is the correct one here. Genuinely.

Maybe (ah!), I ought to think more about when to capture and when to just enjoy what is happening in front of me. My own AI (active intelligence)!!!

The (Road) Rage within(?)

September 15, 2024September 15, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I recall watching a hilarious take on how traffic in India moves. It was a very good demonstration of all the wrong things we practice on the road in our country.

How we swerve to overtake, without worrying about the person behind or in front of us. How in the quest of reaching some place early, we break rules. How much we honk, as if it’s our birthright. And how we have a general disregard toward pedestrians.

After coming back to India, while driving around for the last two plus months, I have often wondered about this question – why are our worst behaviors coming out when on road?

Not that the US doesn’t have its share of such behavior. I did see a few cases when I was there. But when I compare those to India, we win handsomely. By a margin so big that I cannot even calculate!

I have been driving a car for more than twenty years. But we’ve never had the kind of insensitivity that we have now.

Earlier, there was a certain civility in the way we used to drive. The traffic was way lesser, and even though the roads weren’t as wide as now, it used to flow through pretty seamlessly. Pedestrians could coexist on one side of the road. Bikes weren’t approaching you to stomp over.

Now, everyone is in a mad rush, playing Roadrash all the time (my favorite game once :)). Not just the autos and taxis!

I have seen people not yielding to pedestrians even though there is not much room to move forward. I have seen bikers zoom past zigzagging at high speeds like they were playing a video game. I have heard countless and useless horns, without a need for them mostly. And I am sure I have been abused multiple times, by someone in a different vehicle…

But the worst part is not that. It is as if we don’t care anymore. We are just trying to get by, wading through the labyrinth, unhinged by what we leave in our wake.

All this makes me wonder if this behavior is just happening on the road or is it playing out in our minds. Are we so frustrated at life on the road that we take it out on the machine and on the fellow travelers? Or are we genuinely so pressed for time always that even a second’s delay isn’t affordable?

In our quest for survival and winning at all costs, we are taking it to an extreme everywhere? Or is it the lack of discipline and enforcement that’s letting us become the worst version of ourselves?

Whatever it is, I feel just like so many things around us, there is something that we must do about it. That I must do about it. It may not amount to much but at least it allows me to have a good feeling about my behavior.

The hack to conform to my own principles? Switch on some music, focus on staying in the lane, and drive with the same respect that I would accord to others in the US. One good thing that I carried with me…

Moral Compasses

September 1, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

What is it? Why do we need one? How do I explain this simply?

This question had been riling me for a while. Not because I didn’t know the explanation. But because that explanation was abstract or complex, not easily describable.

Then, this week something happened which helped me decipher the explanation!

As is the wont, our daughter made a mistake. A behavioral mistake. One that wasn’t agreeable to me or my wife. And we set out to make it right.

We knew we had to nip that behavior in the bud and at the same time help our daughter realize how she needs to change it.

This wouldn’t have been possible by positing as the usual dad, which I am often guilty of. It rather needed me to wear a different hat and check in my biases, inhibitions, and suggestions at the door. I chose to have a heart to heart with her.

Sitting down, we had a long conversation. About what had led her to behave like she did. How had it not been obvious to her that it wasn’t right. And what was her observation post her behavior. As well as of those around her.

I gave her the room to speak her mind and tell me what she was thinking before and after. And how did she perceive it.

As we dived in, I realized that I needed to give her a tool which could help her in similar situations going forward. So, I explained to her the code that I follow. “Don’t do something that you cannot tell about to everyone”.

She took my advice and has course corrected, apologizing to a couple of friends at the rough end of the behavior. As well as making peace with herself that although she slipped some, we caught on to her and she is back to her usual self.

But as I thought about it, I realized the simplicity with which I had explained a very important concept to her. That of morality and how to judge it!

For what is morality? How we ought to see ourselves or how we see others? How we ought to do ourselves or how we do to others? They are both intertwined I believe, in a circular motion.

Morality moves in tandem with who we are, and what we do. Whatever we choose, our morals become that. And that compass continues to guide us in the direction that we had already chosen…

For those who help us!

August 18, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are spoilt. There are too many folks helping us all around. Be it at our homes, offices, or in general across the society.

And yet, we don’t pay enough attention towards them. We don’t care much about who they are or how they are, only about what they do for us. And if it is done well.

This past week, three instances threw me into this side of the brooding pond, with questions like these.

The first one was at the office, where my company celebrated the Independence Day by inviting the support staff at the office to take the limelight and showcase their talent. Quite something, I must confess!

As I served some of them during the ensuing lunch, it allowed me a closer look at who they really were. I believe I have always been respectful to them while at the office, but that afternoon gave me a chance to observe them from close quarters, cheer for them as they performed, and serve them to show my gratitude.

What I saw was normal, regular folks, who had the same demeanour, similar preferences, and probably same aspirations. They are just in the role they are in today because of certain circumstances. But they deserve equally the same level of respect and courtesy as others around us.

The second one was when I was going through the process of hiring a driver for ourselves. I went through trials with a couple of recommendations. Post that, when I had to finally make a choice, it wasn’t an easy decision.

I had to weigh in their performance behind the wheel, their behaviour while being around, and their soft skills. As I thought through the final choice, I realised my decision had a bearing on not just my experience in those 30 minutes but also had a bearing on the person’s life and of those associated with him.

In the end, I decided based on not only the overall driving experience but also the personality and the real person behind them, as much as I could gauge during my interaction.

The third one was the flag hoisting and celebrations within my community. I saw smartly turned out security guards and helping staff, putting together a fine assembly and ceremony.

During my interactions with some of them this week, I got to know a few of them better and realised they were doing all they could to deliver the best on their job. And took pride in how they do it.

It made me realise that the only reason I can be confident about my community’s security, smooth functioning, cleanliness, and so many other things is because of all these people. And they deserve to be respected and supported for what they do for us.

These experiences made me question myself about how I look at those who serve me, help me, support me through my life. Am I being a good fellow human being to them? Or am I considering it my birthright to be served and helped so?

Hopefully, I am doing the right thing. And hopefully, I continue to do the right thing…

The Hard Way…

May 20, 2024May 20, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes you have things at the back of your mind. And then you read about it somewhere, which brings clarity.

Last couple of weeks, I came across a couple of interviews / opinions. One was of NVidia’s founder and CEO, who’s suddenly become media’s darling with the acute focus on all things AI. Another was an opinion published by Robert Glazer, an investor cum author whose newsletters I like to read.

In his speech at Stanford University, Jansen Huang talks about how he wishes that the graduating students fail more in life and thus learn how to succeed. For as per him, failure is a great virtue and teacher.

Robert in one of his newsletters talked about how with high-touch parenting, we are shielding our children too much. And how that’s not helping them prepare for the real world.

As I watched the speech and then read the old newsletter, I reconnected the two with my own observations about personal and social ways of how I am bringing up our daughter and how I act within groups…

I am protective of our daughter and often worry about where she is, what is she doing, how did she do, and so on. My worry is not chronic and flares up sometimes but more often than not is excessive, if I am being honest. I could do with a little less of it.

It isn’t that something has happened which has compelled me to worry more. She has had a largely incident-free childhood and we have been blessed that she is quite considerate and sensible about most things. Yet, I somehow feel that I am not being a good father if I don’t know enough about these things.

If I contrast it with my childhood, my parents used to make sure they knew about my whereabouts but they let me be. I used to roam around a lot more freely, with a lot more abandon, and faced the forces of nature more than my daughter does today.

Thankfully, nothing bad happened with me. But being on my own at times taught me things that I could carry with me as lessons and apply them when caught in a similar situation later on.

Am not so sure therefore, if I am letting my daughter experience a similar learning curve. Maybe, times have changed. But even if so, my being overprotective won’t help her. It will shield her from experiences which will help her grow up.

So, lesson one – I will let her be and allow her to fall, learn, and grow up.

In the same vein, I realised that I need to sometimes let others around me express themselves more and in the process go through their own journey. I tend to help more than I should at times, striving to save time or to offer my experiences. But in doing that, I am robbing them of experiencing and learning for themselves.

So, lesson two – I will only help where I must and where it is warranted, in most cases I will let the other person discover and gain an experience of their own.

I guess enough lessons for a weekend! And for me to apply…

“Coloured”

April 15, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Deep was sitting at the sea shore, not believing himself. His group of friends had just fought between themselves and dispersed.

They had all been friends through middle and high school. Most of them for the entire time, except for Kavya.

Kavya had joined them in ninth grade and had soon become thick with most. He had an easy charm and was very good with words.

While Deep had welcomed Kavya in the group, he never got too close with him. Kavya tried a couple of times but Deep didn’t feel comfortable when he started raising points around skin colours, religion, social status etc. So, he had kept his distance.

Others weren’t so bothered. They knew Kavya came from a wealthy family and regularly lent his newest toys and gadgets to his friends. They all wanted to partake in that feast.

At first, it all seemed harmless. The gang was just having fun, and with Kavya’s generous attitude, they could do many more things.

But then, one day Kavya denied Romil his new headphones. He jokingly told him, “you cannot speak English fluently, how will you listen to my English song collection”. Others let it pass, not really bothering about correcting the bias.

Another time, he openly made fun of Karthik for his skin colour and religious beliefs in front of a couple of other group members. Again, everyone kept quiet. No one wanted to upset Kavya.

This behaviour continued but neither Deep, nor anyone else had the gumption or the sense to counter Kavya. Soon, it became the norm.

Kavya had once imitated Deep too and that had not gone down well with Deep. When he confronted Kavya, others in the group asked him to calm down and not take it seriously.

But as time progressed, the fissures within the group grew. Those who had been singled out, including Deep, felt wronged. And that feeling was not just for Kavya, but for others in the group too who had sided with him.

Deep had felt a sense of frustration in himself about his group of friends. He still continued to hang around with them because he considered them well.

But Kavya’s behaviour had rubbed off on others. Anand had reduced his interaction with Arif due to his religion. Jose had suffered bias at the hands of Bijoy due to his caste. Even Deep had felt unease about Romil’s non-vegetarian preferences. The group was starting to show fissures.

However, today was the worst. Kavya had openly made fun of people and that had led to Deep and Romil launching a tirade against his behaviour. Some others had opposed it even as Kavya threatened them.

Then, unimaginable to anyone, he kicked and punched Romil, who was standing nearby. Deep and Karthik in turn grabbed him and kicked him. Soon, everyone was fighting each other.

After a full ten minutes, some onlookers had separated the boys. The ‘friends’ had cursed each other and left. Only Deep continued to sit there, longing for an explanation about how it had come to this.

Then he recalled how he and the others had tolerated the initial bad behaviour. And how they had been coloured with how that behaviour was acceptable…

Hand over Heart

March 25, 2024March 25, 2024 ~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s the festival of colours. It is also a festival that brings friends closer and increases bonding. That’s how my dad described Holi to my daughter.

We were on the road, when this topic came up. As my dad narrated the mythological story behind the festival and my daughter tuned in, I went back in years to how we celebrated Holi back in the days.

A right turn brought me out of that stupor, making me realise that the festival doesn’t just symbolises friendship and love but also how heart is more important than head.

I know, I am making a sweeping statement here. May not be agreeable. But see if my logic makes sense…

In years gone by, our heart always held more love than we have now. And it always weighed heavier than our head. Well, at least in my immediate circle it did.

But as days passed by, the head started becoming stronger. It thought too much, painted alternatives vividly, ascribed wins and losses, and in just a few years, stood on par with our heart.

We began taking decisions not just weighing what our heart said but listening equally to what our head said. It meant prosperity, better luck, more fruitful outings, and so on. But it also meant lesser no. of people in our inner circles, constricted thinking patterns, and individualistic fervour.

Today, therefore, we need a festival to remind us of wishing people, meeting them, enjoying our life with them!

My own journey reflects this. Whenever I listened to my heart, or still do, my head seeds doubts. Did I take the right decision? Will this turn out well?

I sometimes fall into the trap and overlook my heart. But when I don’t, and go with what my heart said, I rarely find the path I took to be bad for me. It may be difficult, yes. But then, so is life.

Coming back, this heart over head bit plays a big role in my social life too. When I go with my heart and don’t bother about what I gain out of doing something for someone, I always come out for the better. I feel more satisfied. More connected. More in sync with life.

And so, this Holi, as the fire burns and engulfs us all in its warmth, I hope to go back to my earlier days and believe more in my heart.

It won’t turn back the clock on some not-so-good days but will hopefully keep me tuned in to have many more good ones!