Trust

The Acknowledgement

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Mitul was staring in the dark. She had just finished the day and was lying down in her bed. The lights were switched off.

Apart from an eerie noise from a neighbouring electricity pole, there was nothing she could hear. After all, at 2 am in the morning, most people were asleep.

She tried to shut her eyes, forcing her mind to shut off. But it wouldn’t. Her thoughts weren’t in a mood to stop. After a few minutes, she gave up and opened up her eyes, staring in the dark and recounting the day.

It had all started post lunch at the office town hall two days ago. A small setup, Mitul’s startup was just taking its shape. And she had made it a ritual to address her entire team once a month.

This time too, she had gone prepared. She wanted to appraise the team about some recent wins and setbacks, and take in their feedback. But as the meeting began, a couple of them asked if they could first discuss about some personnel issues.

Mitul had readily agreed. What she heard for the next 45 minutes was various versions of how the team weren’t feeling motivated enough. How there were too many challenges and too few solutions. How things were broken and everyone was feeling overwhelmed fixing them.

Putting on her CEO face, she had listened to everyone patiently, without too much reflecting on her face. Her inner self was in a turmoil, though.

She shelved her plan to share any data with the team, thanked them for the feedback, and promised them to address these questions and concerns in a week.

As she came out, Mitul was shivering. It was as if her entire being was not in her control. She sat herself down at her desk and just continued with the motions for the day. Her mind was already running berserk!

After work that day, she went straight to the park. That’s what she used to do when she wasn’t able to control her mind. She ran ten full rounds to sweat out the angst. It wasn’t enough!

She then went back to her apartment, plonking herself on the couch to work through the problem. Over the next few hours, she alternated between pacing to and fro, standing and drawing at the whiteboard, or sitting down and thinking.

The next couple of days, this pattern continued. Through those two days, Mitul fought with her inner conflicts about what were the right things to fix. It was intense.

But it was she talking to herself. The others were oblivious to what was going on within her.

Now, with two days of sleepless nights, multiple coffees, and numerous rounds of self doubt, here she was, lying in her bed at 2 am. She silently acknowledged that she didn’t have enough answers and needed help.

That acknowledgement helped. She fell asleep and woke up only at 9 in the morning. Her mind was a bit calmer. She felt a bit better. As if, all the worries that she had harboured in the last 72 hours had gone away.

She took a long shower, ate something, and decided to take the day off. She got out of the house, and roamed around the city, soaking in some of her favourite spots.

Then, as she was walking back home in the evening, it occurred to Mitul. She was not alone. Her team was going through a lot, and if she wanted to solve the problems, it was best if she worked with them and jointly found a way out.

It was a revelation. She had always thought of her team as her close circle but somehow, she had not trusted them enough to work together and figure out solutions. It was as much their company as it was hers…

That night, Mitul slept well. She knew, she still had to find the answers. She was aware that the road ahead would be tough. But she also knew that she could depend on her team to work together for the answers. They were on the mission together!

Re-Connecting

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Their relationship was broken, at its lowest point.

There was no communication, no exchange of what they were really feeling about each other. Only a facade of maintaining the status quo.

This had continued for a while, and the strain was now showing up. From being able to talk to each other freely, they had rescinded to their own secluded spaces and the ebb and flow of words had reduced to a trickle.

Even those shared interests and memories seemed distant now. Those moments spent together, with a feeling of love and mutual respect, seemed to have happened a long while ago.

Just then, as fate would have it, they were both left stranded in a place with nothing else to do. Just them, without the comfort of social settings, where they could hide behind other people.

It wasn’t planned at all. Happened by mistake. But as they came to terms with the fact that they would have to be alone in this place for a while, feelings started showing up.

The slinging match began quite innocuously. Over a trivial matter. But soon, it descended into a serve and volley game. Both fired salvos at each other, confronting with how they felt the other person had let them down and lost their trust.

As the evening progressed, the antagonism slowly turned into an understanding of why there was a rift. It wasn’t something either of them intentionally laid out or wanted, but lack of communication had only exacerbated it.

Eventually, as they realized that they were holding a lot against each other and started letting go, tears streamed down their eyes. They both realized that it hadn’t helped them at all. The mistrust should have been resolved earlier.

Both resolved to mend things and get back to how it was before. And yet, as they went to bed, each in his own mind was wondering how would things go from here.

Come morning, they had walked past the awkwardness of being just with each other. And slowly, as the day progressed, normalcy started showing promising signs of return.

It was now only a matter of building that trust again. One step at a time.

Perhaps they could have done this earlier. And then wouldn’t have had to live with this feeling for so much time.

Better late than never, though!

The “Me” Question

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How would you describe yourself to someone?

This isn’t a self cantered question that I am asking of myself. It is a deeper reflection on how we come across as an individual to others.

We start in the unbridled, unhindered category. We are ecstatic to begin communicating while growing up and use any and every opportunity to make ourselves felt.

Right from our young age, we strive to talk and share. And we do so without any filters, without worrying about how we come across, and what’s our audience. It also helps that most folks we talk to in that age are close family and friends, not someone we want to hide from.

Then, as we start growing up, we realise that there are times when hiding our true feelings or being vague is beneficial for us. We do it a few times. Still, we are our authentic selves.

We pride being with like minded people, having friends who care for us, and a family that dotes on us. This all gives us confidence to continue speaking true and right.

However, this touch gets lost as our adulthood advances. We become more and more careful about what we want to reveal or hide. We use facades where necessary, whether professionally or personally.

And this removes us from the reality quite a bit. It also doesn’t help that most people we are surrounded by are acquaintances who we don’t know well or don’t trust enough.

We remain the same authentic self in front of our childhood friends or family but those are only a few days or moments. The heavy tilt towards our alter egos takes a toll on us. We begin to push the envelope on what’s real vs what’s made up about ourselves even with those who we know well.

Soon, the only difference that remains between the true self and the alter ego is what we retain in our heart. And that too contracts as time passes by.

By then our children are growing up and keenly observing us. We would have had the opportunity to pass on a more authentic outlook to them but we are too far down the road to do that now.

They too observe and learn how to not be authentic when it’s to one’s liking or advantage. Just like we did from our parents when we were teenagers. And the cycle repeats…

What if we decided to be true to ourselves and leave our facades behind? How would that change our and our children’s future choices and outcomes?

Maybe the fork in the road is now. Better late than never…

I am however, still grappling with this question even though the benefits are quite clear!

When Input != Output

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are times when we seek inputs. Or provide them to others. On myriad things.

Do we consider whether those inputs are really helpful? To get the right output? Or are they ineffective?

A couple of weeks before, me and wifey were discussing about how we need to provide better inputs to each other. Not just call each other out when something is wrong but also appreciate when something’s going right.

And then over these two weeks, I came across a couple of more situations where I realised the ‘input’ was a problem…

Well, at work and in our personal life, we often view things from our perspective and then help others understand what we are saying and why.

These perspectives, in our viewpoint, help the other person in whatever they are seeking our help on. Most times it is innocuous and good-hearted advise on what to do or not to do.

But we tend to go astray every now and then…

For sometimes, we provide unsolicited inputs. While they make us feel good, they don’t help either the person on the other side, or us. It only shows our eagerness to jump in without a need and isn’t appreciated.

Or other times, we provide solicited inputs even when we aren’t completely aware of the topic or aren’t confident enough. But we go with the flow, not wanting to miss a chance. Doing this, we only risk our reputation and authority in things we actually know.

And then there are times when we provide inputs just because we think we can. Because either the person on the other end is a junior or a child, or because everyone else has something to say. This, while going largely unnoticed, reduces the effectiveness of our future inputs to that same person.

Oh one more. We tend to provide more inputs and advise when we see something wrong or not good enough. We do that from a point of concern or to help out but if done quite often, can also come out as belittling.

What if instead we take our word to be precious and only speak when we are really being asked and when we know we have enough understanding of the subject at hand?

I have seen a few people do that consistently. And I always believe they are better off. By being choosy, they are being genuine. And also come off as someone you can depend on. You respect them.

Time then to reconsider where I stand to give my inputs and whether to give them or not. At work, at home. In all things that I do.

After all, why shouldn’t I try and retain my authenticity, regain my mental balance, and remove any false sense of superior knowledge from my being…

Attachment

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How we get attached to those who are looking out for us? And what they mean to our lives?

As I spent a few days with my close family, including first cousins, uncles, and aunts, this question kept coming to me.

There are many people who cross our paths right from our birth, through our life, till we bid our goodbye. But there are very few for whom we really hold affection in our hearts and feel attached to.

I have written about this multiple times from different perspectives, covering friendships, relations, and colleagues. But as I dug deeper this time, I realised the answer is actually very simple.

Most of us are attached to our parents and our siblings, which is most natural. Maybe a couple of uncles and / or aunts, and maybe a few cousins also form our close circle. While we may have a good rapport with the other members of our extended families, these few people matter a lot to us.

They matter to us because the relationship with them is built on trust but without the weight of expectations. It is symbiotic and therefore benefits both.

This group is like our confidant, our punching bag, and also our supporters from the sidelines. We love them and we fight with them but whichever way you cut it, we spend most of our time with them.

In turn this attachment and affection helps both the sets of people to rely on each other for anything, creating a virtuous circle and helping us keep ourselves rooted and bonded. They mean the microcosm of a perfect world to us, wherein we can do whatever and be whoever, without worrying about anything else.

And that attachment continues even as time passes by and people drift apart physically. For the trust without expectations equation still holds true!

I have experienced this personally. I stayed in a joint family in my formative years and am heavily attached to my uncles, aunts and my cousins. That affection and attachment has continued even though we don’t get to meet each other often.

When we do, we all effortlessly sync in whatever setting we are put in and spend time together laughing, crying, quarrelling and caring for each other. More importantly even when that time ends and we go back to our usual lives, the level of affection and care continues in our remote interactions.

All because of trust on each other without any expectations! Important tenets for not just our close relationships but every connection that we value in life…

The most important thing!

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

March 2001. With my course-mates in the Indian Army, we were all learning the basics of mountain climbing. As it so often happens, all of us, a bunch of rookies who were full of confidence but short on skill, were grappling with new things that were confounding us and increasing the anxiety of doing something for the first time.

While some of the drills were pretty basic, there was a lot of apprehension about falling down while rapling down the steep rocks or when climbing up using our hands. Then there was zip lining, which was a task unto itself and gave most of us goosebumps.

As we started getting into the act, the one thing that the instructor tried to drill inside our minds was that you have got to trust the rope and the equipment. We didn’t realise it in the beginning but as the practice sessions progressed, we realised the truth behind the statement.

Trust was paramount!

Unless we did that, progress was extremely difficult and slow. Some of us had our own trust issues but slowly we all gathered our wits and once that trust was established, it became fun and adventurous. We all enjoyed the entire camp thoroughly.

It’s been more than 20 years. Yet, that lesson got embedded within my being.

Trust is paramount!

In everything we do. Right from who we love, who we are friends with, who we deal with at business or work, what we eat, how we drive, to the many sundry things we go through in our daily routines.

It’s the cornerstone of our relationship with the other human beings or a group or a thing. It is what helps us move forward on anything with reasonable surety that we are heading in the right direction.

It is what we should be focused squarely on establishing. Right from the beginning. Through the relationship or process. And right till the end. Verifying and re-establishing it periodically.

And yet, it is something we usually overlook or take lightly. Sometimes, it happens deliberately. But most of the times, it is a slow erosion. We don’t realise it but suddenly after a period, all appears wasted and the common ground sinks and creates a crater.

It is hence upon us, as a party to any relationship, that we abide by the code and keep the trust high. In each and every transaction. For otherwise, we could end up down the road rueing what happened and how things turned out.

Unless of course, we want to cut it off…

The Community Feeling…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been almost one and a half years…

Since we huddled together in an office space for a meeting or gathering of the team and had disagreements and shared jokes while devouring coffee and tea.

Since we travelled together with a group of people for a trip and had a whale of a time in a new place along with them.

Since we had big celebrations or a party with friends and family where we threw caution to the winds.

Since we traveled comfortably in a public conveyance, including flights, accidentally meeting other people and making acquaintances.

Since children had a class in their school and had fun in the playgrounds or sang songs while being in the school bus.

Since housewives had their kitty parties in a club or at someone’s place, chatting up about anything and everything.

Well, for most of us!

I can go on and on with the list. The moot point though is, we have been missing the social in the animal within us. And that animal is now coming out in the open.

Sometimes, having been in isolation for so long, not able to find its rhythm in the usual social milieu.

Or sometimes being too aggressive and wanting it’s own way, come what may, as is the wont at home.

Or sometimes not knowing who to hobnob with and what to do in a new place or setting that’s unsettling.

And this is creating a void so big that it’s almost unnatural.

For as long as we have written history about our race, humans have been socially active and prospered with one another.

However, this pandemic has pulled those threads apart. In some cases, those threads have been torn or badly damaged. In some others, they are just about hanging in there.

And that’s causing a strain in relations, in companionship, in understanding other humans, in building and sustaining trust, and in a lot of other things as well.

It is a bad situation to be in. For us as individuals and as a society.

The solution, in my opinion, is that we need to remind ourselves to re-engage and re-discover others where required and to believe in and have trust in each other as much as we can. Most importantly, be our 2019 or earlier self when we are able to go out again safely, and behave and react normally.

So that, we don’t lose the most intricate and nuanced aspects of our being – our ability to form bonds and friendships and build communities, which foster our lives and our growth throughout that life!

Trust matters!

~ Rishi ~ 4 Comments

While playing with my daughter at home last weekend, when attempting to swing her in my arms, her anxious face and nervous laughter told me one thing – she somehow wasn’t 100% sure if she wouldn’t get hurt…

Although it was a small moment, I stopped and talked to her; mentioned that she can trust me for everything; and made a note to myself to re-assure her the next time I do something similar.

As this week passed on and I spent some more time with my daughter, I consciously tried to ensure that the trust which was established, remained. And it definitely added to the fun that the two of us had.

Reflecting back, I think trust forms the bedrock of everything we do.

Whether it is our relationships, or our behaviour with people we know or don’t know, or for that matter our work and it’s outcome, trust is an important foundational element.

And as we go along in life, that trust increases or decreases based on our observations and perception of the reciprocation from the other side. Be it our family, friends, relatives, or colleagues.

However, having had some experiences, which have led to some white hair, I have come to appreciate that trust is not just a one sided affair. It has to be mutual. Only then does something result in success. In life or at work.

When I look back at the friendships I have had, or professional relationships with colleagues or business partners, trust made them and erosion of trust marred them. And yet, as I look back, I sometimes feel that I became too judgemental too quickly in some of the cases which didn’t end well. Or I formed a perception, which may not have been absolutely correct, which led that path down the short road.

Perhaps, we need to be more accommodative of others. Give them more time and space. And respect that things sometimes take time and the dice may not always roll the way we want it. That will probably help in avoiding wrong decisions.

And as the ‘other’ party, it is imperative that we do all one can to retain that trust and build the bond stronger. Unless it absolutely becomes impossible to carry it forward.

In this day and age when our opinions and perceptions get shaped quickly and can change by the day, remembering that it is easier to gain trust than lose it and that sometimes slowing down our snap decisions will serve us better in the long run, will take us further.

After all, matters related to trust should neither be taken lightly nor judged too quickly…