Observations

The Calm

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This one is not about the calm before the storm. It’s about the calm when in the midst of a storm…

In the years when I was in middle and high school, our favourite game used to be cricket. Whenever and wherever we got a chance, me and my friends would pick up a bat and a ball and start playing.

I still remember, in those days, spin was the preferred bowling style in our local cricketing circles and there were very few players who used to bowl fast or who could play fast bowling.

We routinely played matches against other teams and were always up for it. But there was one team which we were terrified of. All because of a fast bowler they had. None of us could stay put for long in front of this guy and would invariably fold up for a low score, squandering our chances of a win. And we never won against them, until one day.

That day something changed. One of our friends, from who knows where, got up on the right side of the bed and decided to face this bowler with calmness and belief. He showed us how he could play out this bowler, standing up to him, and that one innings changed that game for us. We won that match!

This week I got reminded of this incidence while watching some tennis. French open and Wimbledon have always been on my watch list every year. And as I watched some highlights and a couple of live telecasts, I was reminded of those cricket memories we friends still fondly remember.

As I saw some younger players go up against the top seeds, I was routinely reminded of how the calm within us, what we also call as belief, plays an important role in our lives.

Players who play well for a prolonged time and are termed champions, are those that have a strong belief in their capabilities and are ready to fight it out till their last breath. Even when the chips are down.

Those who challenge them, more often than not, play well for a brief period in that match, but then lose focus or get overcome by the nervousness within their being. On most occasions therefore, they lose.

Not to take away from them, because they at least are capable enough of challenging. But only those who are able to conquer that inner anxiety and are able to channel that nervous energy, end up winning.

If we draw a parallel in the professional life, there are few people who without worrying about others, focus on their work and do it sincerely in all situations. They don’t get perturbed by competitors or don’t give up when going through a difficult situation. Because they have belief in themselves and their abilities. Sometimes in their team also. And they come out tops.

Then there are others, who constantly worry about how others see them or how involved they are. They feel jealous about others who are progressing and instead of focusing on their unique abilities, spend more time thinking of how to improve their standing amongst others. These kinds, more often than not, end up worse off than where they began from because they are always anxious and never calm.

I could go on and talk about this in other contexts too, including personal relationships. What matters though is the bottom line.

For us to be a champion, we need to focus on our abilities and build them, believe in ourselves, and most importantly keep calm in between the storm. For that is what separates the champions from others!!!

“Little” Things

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Life for a lot of us is serious business and about those big moments. We live it with all sincerity and sometimes make it too stressful for ourselves.

But it need not be so always. I had this realisation this week through something which happened very casually…

This Friday, my daughter traveled in a metro train for the first time in her conscious memory. It was a usual trip with her grandparents and while I didn’t expect it, she was visibly elated at the chance to take a metro ride.

When I picked her up after the ride, she was ecstatic. On our way home, she talked about her journey briefly. She also kept on looking at the various under construction flyovers and ones where we had to cross under them, thinking those were for the metro and pointing them to us. It was a memorable experience for her and she expressed it openly.

As I saw her excitement, it took me back to the days when I first rode on an airplane and how I also had the same enthusiasm for sharing my experience with others. I was in my teens then and hadn’t ‘experienced’ life.

However a few years later, when I took my first metro ride, or when I first traveled outside India, while I was amazed at the experiences, I didn’t show much enthusiasm to share them with others but chose to keep them to myself.

As life has passed by, such smaller things slowly have stopped carrying the same significance that similar experiences carried earlier. I have become much more reserved in expressing them, perhaps considering them par for the course or just being too aware.

Maybe it has happened because there are other things which occupy my mind. And those bigger things prevent it from acknowledging the smaller things for a while longer than before.

Or maybe while there’s happiness in these new experiences, I have been corrupted and unable to give them their due.

Whatever it may be, this Friday’s incidence made me think about those little experiences. How they not only gave me happiness when I went through them but continue to remain fresh in my memory even now.

It also made me think about the many small and happy experiences I continue to have on a regular basis and how I need to be more aware of acknowledging them, sharing them with others, and being thankful for these small joys that life is bringing my way.

As it is many a times, profound things are often understood when we aren’t searching for meaning with a candle light!

No Negotiation Please…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a dreaded word for most of us. We either want to avoid it or at least try to minimise this ‘X’ factor.

This is surprising, considering a lot of things in our lives involve negotiating with others. Be it at work or at home, with outsiders in the market or with insiders within the household.

For some, each such negotiation lends to progress; while for others it is an important aspect of survival. However, no one teaches us negotiating skills or how to do it in a way that leaves us in a good position.

This week, generally observing my daughter made me realise that children are master negotiators and we learn these skills pretty easily early on in life. Sample this exchange between the two of us –

Me: It’s time to sleep, let’s go to bed.

Daughter: No Papa, I want to be awake for some more time as it’s Friday tomorrow. I will have to wake up early on Saturday and Sunday for my classes, so I will anyways have to sleep early.

Me: Hmm. Ok (I didn’t know if I was left with any other argument).

Or this one –

Wife: Come, let’s have a milkshake.

Daughter: No Mumma, I don’t want to. I will have it later because I just ate my lunch some time ago.

Wife: But that was 2 hours ago. Before you go to play, have something.

Daughter: Ok, I will come back in an hour, I promise. (And the conversation had to end).

I observed multiple other kids in the community and was surprised to see almost all of them negotiating well, even if it was for small things.

Whether it was for allowing them to play a bit more, eat chocolates or food they like to, or to do things that someone may be objecting to. It is being used by them almost like a conversation tool, without much ado.

Most of them have learnt these tactics with time, understanding how to navigate the tough corridors their parents create. I am sure, none of us parents have any role to play in it and it’s all their innate abilities coming to the fore.

When I thought back about my childhood, I realised that we weren’t different. We also had mastered this art in those days. Negotiating is one skill that we learnt and practised well.

But then somehow, as we grew up, like those other skills that get left behind, negotiation started being used a lot less as a conversation tool and being looked more as something practiced to win/lose or to gain favours. And when it lost its innocence, it made us start liking or disliking it, depending on how we fared in those ‘adult’ conversations.

As we continued our journey, little did we realise that an important skill that’s a must have and can be a lot of fun was relegated to a good to have and got associated with measuring things or people.

Perhaps, time for us to rethink how to look at negotiation and rekindle the fun memories of the past to bring it back in our lives. Not as a weapon to excel or succeed but simply as a tool to help make our conversations better and more fun…

Old and New

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

While old is gold, new is like morning dew.

The past few weeks, this theme was knocking on my mind’s door. And as we spent time this weekend with friends and family reminiscing about the old times and talking about the new things, it was enough to kindle my thoughts…

A lot of times, we see the old paving the way for the new. The old rescinds in the background, yielding the field to the new. And while the new has learnt almost everything to that day from the old, post that transition the new is expected to tread its own path.

But as the new starts off, it emulates a lot of things that the old did. Not out of a lack of choice but because of a sense of familiarity. Sometimes the new diverges, gradually or sharply, to new forks. Even then, the fork has some connection to the past and the old.

When the new disrupts something drastically, it’s because there are things that happened in the past that led to the new transformation. The new way displaces the older one completely and becomes the new normal. And then after a few years or decades, gets displaced with something better. But all progress happened because there were some new fundamentals which were surfaced by the old, were made sense of, and applied in different ways to yield the new.

So, while the new is fresh and different, there are always traces of the old. And as new evolves and becomes better and then becomes old, it gains an appreciation of how the old helped along the way.

Likewise, in our lives, there are a lot of new things that happen which sit perfectly well with the old.

Like how we coexist with our children and our elders. Respecting each other and enjoying the wisdom of the past with the fun and frolic of the new.

Or the way we do stuff with new technology but deploying mannerisms which have been known to us for years.

Or when the old and new worlds come together physically, like in traditional towns and cities. And create a beautiful mesh of how to view the world in a continuum and not as separate epochs.

Or in the way we relive old memories with our friends and family and cherish the times gone by. At the same time enjoying experiences with the new people in our lives who we spend more time with now.

Ultimately, both are great in their own right and it’s never a fight for supremacy. It’s in fact a synchronous melody that plays out in our lives every now and then!

The more we remember this and understand that it is never an either-or choice but a balance between the two, the more harmonious our life becomes…

Roots

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

You can take the (wo)man out of the country but not the country out of the (wo)man. The same is true for most people, Indians more so.

We have one of the largest populations. Combined with a high literacy rate, a lot of us are now spread out into the far reaches of the world. But still then, even if it’s been a few years or a generation that the person may have been out of India, you can still find some resemblances.

This whole week, I have been in London for work and meeting a lot of interesting people from different walks of life. Colleagues who have relocated, friends staying here for more than a decade, strangers working elsewhere who I came across, et al.

It probably is also a bias that I have, that I noticed similarities in the Indian cohort rather than with others. But that’s more because of my limited understanding of those cultures. Anyways, that’s a natural tendency I believe because we are all prone to this bias.

Coming back to the point, I realised that depending on where we have been brought up, how ingrained some of the nuances are in our nature. We may not be intuitively aware of those but if we ponder over it, it’s easy to notice.

So, for adults who were raised in India, the roots are still predominantly there and their beliefs, values, behaviour aligns with the home country more. They may have stayed in a new country for a large part of their adult life but will still associate more with their culture than the new one.

However, it’s not as simple for kids. Those who have been born or brought up overseas and been there most of their lives, they associate more with the new country. And while their parents may still be thoroughly Indian in their outlook, they aren’t.

Good for them if they are going to stay in the adopted country, as it is just so much more easier to acclimatise with the native folks.

It is also a function of how independently the parents let the children evolve as they grow up. Do they still enforce things that they believe in or are they open to new ideas, methods, and cultural traits that the younger one(s) want to adopt.

And this is true not just for people relocating to another country but even to other regions within large countries like India. We often get trapped into the way things are done in our home town and don’t adjust to the new culture, standing out from the crowd.

Not to say that we move away from where we began from but more to highlight the fact that we need to assimilate and evolve. After all, change is the only constant and most times is for the good.

As we all fan out in different directions, sometimes within the country and sometimes outside, and settle down, it is for us to think through and align ourselves with the new. To make our lives less stressful and more fun…

The day that was supposed to be…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was evening. Walking back from work, ‘he’ was thinking how could it have been him and how did it even happen.

Eventually tired of thinking and walking, he stopped near a lamp post and leaned against it. He couldn’t take it any more. The weight he was carrying in his mind made him slump down on the street and he landed with a thud.

There were no people nearby, only passing vehicles on the road. With each passing car, his shadow was elongating and running on the facade of the nearby building. He was oblivious to it.

They all assumed he was sitting there for some reason. No one bothered to check in. It was as if he was but a mannequin on the road, left by some disorganized owner.

The man sat there for what seemed like eternity. He kept on thinking about how the day he anticipated he will taste success, turned out to be a dud and a huge embarrassment. How things didn’t turn out as expected. And how will he face others now.

As the clock ticked on, his mind only went down the rabbit hole. It had convinced him that no one would be happy with the outcome he had managed and he had only himself to blame. At some point in time, as he reached the nadir, a speeding car whizzed by. The driver was probably drunk and honking the machine incessantly.

He looked up startled and realized that he had been sitting there on the pavement for long. Gathering his bag, he slowly walked the remaining couple of blocks to reach his home.

As soon as he rang the doorbell, his kids came running and his wife opened the door. They all smiled at him and hugged him. He hadn’t anticipated this and was slightly taken aback. Still trying to gather himself, he pushed along with the family into the living room and settled down with them. They were still holding tight on to him.

After a couple of minutes, as the heartbeats settled down and calm returned, he looked up. His wife was crying happily. His kids were still glued to him, not leaving his side. One of them spoke, “We missed you so much Papa, where were you? We thought you wouldn’t come home today.”

He looked at his wife puzzled. She pointed to the clock. It read midnight. She explained that as usual, they had been expecting him since dinner time and when they couldn’t reach him, had asked his colleagues. No one knew why he hadn’t reached home and no one could place him. They had all been worried and had been biding their time for the last few hours.

Looking askance, he asked “It isn’t the first time that I have returned home late. Why this strong a reaction from all of you?”. And then he remembered. It was the monthly family dinner. They had all been eagerly waiting for him to come back home and celebrate with them.

But he, foolishly had let a temporary setback at work affect him so much that he had forgotten his date with his family.

As they embraced each other once again, he realized that even if everything else fails, he has his family along. And what to make of the day is unto himself and only himself!

Who’s the Leader?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was awestruck. There we were, enjoying ourselves on a short vacation, when my 6 year old mentioned something that made me pause and think hard.

As it happened, we were just back from a boat ride at the resort and were taking a walk near the river side and talking amongst ourselves about random things. It must have been a couple of innocuous things that children do, for which we would have told the little one to not repeat. The moment we said so, she replied, “Mumma, Papa, you are not a leader and you shouldn’t be telling me about what to do and what not to do”.

Taken aback, I asked her, “If it is so, then are you a leader already and will you decide what you should do?”. She replied, “No Papa, none of us are leaders. Only God is”.

It took me a minute literally to grasp what she said. It must have come from her mind based on some random conversation she would have had with her friends. But it was profound and made me think more about it.

As those words continued to run in my mind for that evening, I realised that one part of it couldn’t be truer. That we aren’t and cannot be leaders all the time and should stop behaving as one…

True for those who run an organisation or a team. You may be leading a team or a function or a company but it’s not because of only you that work is happening or progress is being achieved. There are many contributing factors and we ought to keep that in mind, lest we believe too much in ourselves and in that over confidence go down the hill.

True for those who run a family or behave like a leader just because they are older than the others in the household. We may be grown up enough or may have seen more years under the sun but that doesn’t give us a right to lead in all settings. Indeed, there are instances when the younger ones know much more about something and they must show us the way.

True for all of us who assume the leadership role naturally because we have been told that being a leader is what counts. Indeed it does if we know the stuff. If not, it pays to let others take the lead and show us the way.

Conversely, a reminder for those of us who think they are junior or not experienced enough and shy away from leading. For they may not have the numbers against their age but they have something that others may not – enthusiasm to try new things and less fear of failure. And others could genuinely benefit from their leadership in unknown situations.

After all, while leaders can be born or made, it pays to learn all the time to lead better when the right opportunity arrives!

Boundaries

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

These days, I have found a new avenue to brighten up my evenings. A stroll on the rooftop terrace of the apartment where I stay.

It is an invigorating way to spend the evening. As the sun is setting down, strolling through the terrace makes for a calm and soothing time, away from the daily chores and pulls and pushes of work. It not only lightens up the evenings but also acts as a source of inspiration at times, watching the sun go down and the cool breeze blowing across.

This saturday, as I was indulging in this new pass time, the hues on display in the evening sky were magnificient. The sky was overflowing with different colours and shades and it seemed like a symphony. To engage my little one with some activity, I asked her to absorb the scenery and paint it once she is back home. As I was asking her to do this, I noticed that the sky seemed to have lost all boundaries that day. And it just became more beautiful to see and get engulfed in.

Later on, back home as she was absorbed in the painting, I took up some reading material saved in my reading list for some time. As I glanced through that list, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of that material was about boundaries.

Boundaries that we are experiencing and noticing all around us. Whether in the war going on right now or the controversies appearing in different nations. Whether in our culture today or the conversation for tomorrow. Be it about caste or race, be it about income or power, be it about stardom or success, or be it about privacy intrusion or obscurity.

In our present world, these boundaries are being created artificially. Understood superfluously. Applied randomly. But followed quite rigidly. Leading to a lot of intended and non-intended consequences.

We are moving into such tightly defined philosophies that we are becoming intolerant. We are becoming so blind sided that we are not able to fathom the other side’s perspective or the mistakes of our own side. We are getting so enamoured by what we believe in that we are ready to do whatever it takes to keep the status quo, challenging nature which only knows how to change.

So, while we may be hyper connected and socially networked, we are poorer off with the missing perspectives and the necessary camaraderie required to live peacefully. We have accepted these boundaries somewhere in our sub-conscious mind or have learnt to live with them as normal.

Perhaps time for us to learn from the natural elements and try and blend in more, keeping our thoughts and opinions aside. For when we do that, is when we get to create symphonies so strong that it paints our lives in all those hues that I saw in this saturday’s evening sky!

What Changed?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Picture this. It is somewhere in the 60’s. A person is sitting on a bed is listening to the radio, which is the primary mode of entertainment and connection with the outside world (apart from newspapers ofcourse).

The radio is playing an advertisement and right after that there is an announcement from the future by one of those mad scientists. The scientist proclaims that in the near future, we would be able to see live video feeds in our homes on a world-wide network which everyone plugs into and it will become our go-to mechanism for everything.

What is the likelihood of the ordinary man with his radio on, believing in this? I would like to think, very less. He may just ignore it all as rumblings of some stupid mind. He would proudly proclaim radio as the best thing that happened in his generation and get on with his work.

And now imagine that person, old, perhaps in his 80’s. Sitting in front of an internet enabled TV with a smartphone in his home controlling the experience. It has turned into a reality. So long for his proud proclamation about the simple radio. Heck, he can now login to any radio channel in the world and listen to it!

This is change! Guaranteed, destined, and having arrived within a single person’s lifetime.

What is amazing is, this ordinary person adapted to all the changes life and society brought on over the years. His life became better (or worse?), it became easy (or more complicated?), and it became more liveable (so we claim!). All those advancements, not just in consumer technology, but in every other sphere of life, resulted in massive shifts. And this person lapped them all up!

We, in this day and age, have stopped questioning what is possible technologically and have rather started to take bets on when will it happen. The pace of change has hastened over the last couple of decades and continues unabated. And we continue to adapt to it in the same rhythm, to make the best use of it as per our understanding.

And yet, the change which is ever so welcome in our lives, hasn’t yet permeated to the same levels in our individual thinking about how will the evolution be in terms of social context, behaviors, and motivations. We still believe that what has happened with us, the way we have lived our lives, is how the next few generations will also experience it. It has been true for most of us but there is no guarantee it will stay the same for our children and beyond.

This week, as I was talking to a friend about how the lives of our children will unfold, I realized that I subscribe to this theory of societal change and therefore, want to consciously not plan too much for it. Not that I have anything against supporting our daughter as she grows up. It’s just that I don’t really know how her life will unfold or what motivations will guide her choices.

I don’t know how she will want to live out her life. If she would even want any help from us. Will money be a useful metric for her or not. Will she want to have a stable career or be someone who would rather accumulate experiences doing multiple things. Will she want to have a partner or not.

I could go on with the questions. But you get the drift.

The choices she will make, I believe, are surely going to be different from the ones that aided my decisions. And it doesn’t make sense for me to plan for too much but rather adapt myself and support her in the way that feels apt for that time and to her mind.

Don’t know if what I am thinking is the right approach or not. What I do believe though is that our relationships and the society will surely change in the next 60 years, just like it has for that person who is now in his 80’s…

What does it Matter?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The past week at work, I engaged on a new task, which was the first time I was doing such work. While it was exciting and enriching to do it, at the end of it, as I gave it finishing touches and shared the final copy with other stakeholders, a thought came to my mind.

“What if I had not done a good enough job”.

As that thought crossed my mind and stayed put over the night, a lot of aspects got evaluated. Whether my work was thorough or not. Had I taken care to structure it well. Was it impactful. And so on.

As I entered the weekend, I sat down to understand why this was happening and why did I need the validation I was seeking. It isn’t that I am afraid of reviews or comments, I actively seek them to improve my work output. This validation was a different kind – my mind looking for a positive acknowledgement that I had been able to get a new thing right, in my first attempt itself!

Was it because I was in a relatively new place and needed to prove myself (ok, 7 months old but still a relative newbie)? Or was it because it was a new kind of work I hadn’t done earlier (and perhaps it wasn’t for me)? Or was it just my mind playing tricks with me unnecessarily (it can do that sometimes)!

As I delved deeper, I realized that a lot of times in life, we seek external validation. It may be for things we want to do, decisions we have to take, or the manner we want to live life. Whatever it may be, we naturally feel better if someone else says a good thing about our thoughts or work. Or in a few cases, resistance or criticism forces us to improve ourselves or change course.

But does it make sense to do it? Is validation really important in our lives? What does it matter?

Well for one, it helps us stay within the limits of what others define as appropriate or correct. It pushes us to adhere to the established norms and do our best within those. It also makes our thoughts or work more acceptable.

On the other hand, it restricts new and fresh thoughts and approaches at times. It forces us not to stray from the beaten track, possibly resulting in mediocrity or less optimal outcomes. It also makes us risk averse and focused on immediate gains over long term benefits.

Maybe, it makes sense to seek validation in case we are completely unsure about what we have done. Or if we are doing something which is very critical and can benefit from other perspectives. Or if we want to take everyone along to achieve the common objectives through consensus. In other cases, it only adds more stress to the mind and heart and makes us jittery. We may be better off just doing our thing…

As the weekend ends, I realize that there will be times when I won’t be sure if what I have decided or worked upon is right or not. But then, even if it isn’t right, life will give me a chance to correct it and learn from those mistakes. And if I am even partially correct, it will help me improve my results by course correcting on the things I was wrong about.

Trusting myself and moving forward, I believe, will teach me much more than just feeling happy about others validating my work or thoughts!