Personal

Acting Fast and Slow

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are always choosing. Between two or more things. Between what we believe are possibilities that exist for us.

Some of those decisions are easy to make. Some of them are difficult. Some of those affect just us. Some affect others also. Some land up right. Others end up being wrong.

However, we still continue to choose. Some of us make those choices based on what our mind says. Some of us choose what echoes in our heart.

This week as I deliberated within myself on something that’s personal for me, all these thoughts came to me.

I for one, make a lot of choices based on what my heart says. I go with my gut. A few of those have been wrong, a lot of them have been right. I like to act fast.

But a few times, I get stumped. Like this once.

Whenever faced within a decision, I naturally search within to sense which direction I am leaning towards. Depending on which option my gut feeling is very strong about and I am convinced about in my thoughts, I go ahead with that choice.

For a long time in my life, this used to be the only way I used to decide. Then, as I started growing up and faced life and failures, I realised that while it was my strength, if there is hesitancy or lack of clarity, I need to slow down and think through.

Over the last few years, I have been practising this. So, if I am not able to make up my mind immediately, I wait to get a better understanding and then analyse the possibilities to decide about the choices using my head. Again, some of those things have turned out well, some not. That’s how the dice rolls…

But this time, like only a few others, I am perplexed. And while being in this situation suggests it’s not a simple decision, what is complicating things is the duel between the heart and the mind. Both are pulling me in different directions.

In similar situations before, I have gone ahead and chosen quickly, prioritising speed of decision making to help me move forward. Perhaps also to put my mind to rest and work with what’s known to me.

But this time, I want to give myself time and take it slower than I ever have. So am going to run with these thoughts until natural clarity emerges from somewhere within. I know it will trouble me for a few more days but it’s an experiment to train myself to act slowly, deliberately at times, if the situation demands so.

Let’s see where I land. After all, what’s life without challenging oneself!

As per estimates…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all have a perception about ourselves. Of what we stand for, who we are, how we are doing, and so on. How does this perspective compare with what others think of us?

This week, this question came up repeatedly in front of me. In the form of some interactions, what I was reading, watching. Almost seemed like all roads leading up to it!

Interestingly, I wasn’t compelled to think about it too much until today, when in the evening, watching the brilliantly made movie, Coda, I realized how much of an influence it has on us as an individual…

All of us gain awareness about self at a pretty early age. As we grow up, that persona only becomes more refined. Of course our experiences and surroundings shape that up but we hold on to it because that’s who we believe we are.

During specific phases of our life, this persona is confident and in the right place. What we do or don’t, is generally agreeable to others. But in a lot of cases, this perception doesn’t match. Sometimes, we go overboard with the self-evaluation and end up on the wrong side. Worse, some times, we underestimate ourselves and believe we aren’t as good as we are, robbing ourselves of the experiences we should have.

It’s not just about how we evaluate ourselves. It is also about how others look at us. At rare times, the people around us believe in us more than we do and at other times, we inspire little confidence in others.

It is also about how we view others around us. And how we are evaluating them. Because at times, we consciously or unconsciously slot someone in a particular category based on our biases, our world view, or just on the basis of what others say.

Whenever the perception balance tilts to one side, it causes disruption. And distortion. Within us. For who are we if not a product of the society and the people around us. If they believe in us more than we do, it creates a lot of pressure. If they don’t believe in us as much as we do, it creates frustration and anger or sadness.

As I thought about my own journey so far, all these three have occurred in varying degrees. I have had good confident runs, have learnt a couple of hard lessons being overconfident, and have had occasions when I felt overwhelmed or not up to the mark.

Some of the biggest learnings in life have however happened when I have conquered mine or other’s underestimation. When I have had to challenge myself to achieve what I or others assumed wasn’t possible or doable.

The key then is in our hands. If we feel underestimated or below par, it is up to us to raise the bar. Or if we underestimate someone incorrectly, it is up to us to accept them when they raise their bar.

Because, as per estimates, we will be on the wrong side a lot of times!

The Unknown…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s summer time. At least in Bangalore, where I stay, summer has arrived. The sun is getting hotter every day and the fans have been switched on.

With summers, comes the love for water. Cold water. And as it happened this weekend, the love for swimming in cold water.

Most covid restrictions now lifted, kids in the society I stay in, decided to take to water like a force unleashed. Combined with a new instructor ready to teach the new ones, it was fun and frolic in water like not seen in the last 2 years!

Today, as I took my daughter to the pool, and watched her have fun while learning the basics, it was interesting to see how the small kids were reacting to being in the water. It so happened that at the same time I was also talking to my father in law. He being an ace swimmer, we were chatting about our daughter’s classes and he was narrating his experiences with kids while teaching them how to swim.

We talked about how the experience with water can be a lot of fun for some but can also be terrifying for others. The ones who enjoy being in that water, swear by those experiences. The ones who are terrified or in it for the first time, aren’t as happy and may want to avoid it the next time.

Long after we had come back home, that conversation and those scenes from today’s splash in the pool remained with me. And showed me some light…

All of us have our own way of handling things. Things that we feel good about – those which we know or can relate to – we handle them with ease. Things we don’t feel good about – those which are strange or new or unknown – sometimes confuse or terrify us. We gravitate towards the first kind and try and steer clear or are less receptive to the second kind.

However, according to my experiences and perspective, life doesn’t get built by doing those easy things. They can anyways be done. What makes or breaks us and our life is what we don’t know about – the unknown. Our experiences with them and within them and our responses and behaviour in those moments teach us a lot and help us grow.

And yet, while this simple thing is known to all of us, time and again when we are faced with the unknown, we grapple with and within ourselves. Not knowing what we should do and whether we will do the right thing. A lot of times, in that fear of the unknown, we shirk the path less travelled and stay our current course.

Back home, when these thoughts played out in my mind, they opened up my vistas. There was something running within me for the last few days, which was troubling me because of it’s unknown nature. I wasn’t sure of what I should do. I was perhaps thinking a lot and becoming confused in the process.

As I cleared the fog in my mind today, I realized that while there may be unknowns, it is best for me to move forward and give it a try. While there is a balanced chance of it not turning out as promised, there is also a good enough chance of it leaving me with an enriched experience.

After all, as someone said, life is one big adventure and we must try something new and unknown all the time…

“The Price”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 20 years!

20 years have passed by after that moment when I first heard those words from a senior doctor’s – “It will be better for you to accept and get medically boarded out”.

The year was 2002, I was in the Military Hospital in Pune, having been on bed for more than 4 months. Hospitalized due to a cervical fracture, holed up with fellow officers, it was a feeling of helplessness, without a clear view of how my life post hospitalization will shape up. I had had multiple conversations with the doctors and while my condition had improved slightly, it was a long road to full recovery ahead.

It was then, during one of those mildly cold mornings, when the senior doctor visiting me broached the topic. I was taken aback. It wasn’t something I had prepared myself for. But he told me with a lot of clarity that while I will pay the price with a few lost years, it will be better for me in the long run with a lot of options outside the armed forces.

I took sometime to discuss, deliberate, and get convinced on the path ahead and ultimately decided to pay the price of those few lost years. I came out, adapted myself to a new life, and have had a lot of great experiences over the years. Have I lost out on something? Yes, probably a lot would have happened with my life if I had decided to stay back in the Army. But then, I took a call and decided on the price I want to pay.

As I was reflecting on this passage of time this week, I realized that we constantly take decisions and choose between multiple options, each of which extract a price.

Most kids who take up a sport seriously and choose to focus on it as a career option, pay the price of going through a disciplined regime, when other kids their age are enjoying a carefree life.

Most bachelors who choose to move out of their parents home and go to a different city for career prospects, pay the price of living uncomfortably when they could have had a more easier life.

Most people who move to a different country forego the familiarity of their own place and people they know, to venture out into the unknown world.

Those who decide to work in a role or job that is demanding, pay the price by handling stress and possibly later on with their disturbed health.

The ones who in their old age choose their home town over living with their kids, pay the price of being away from their son/daughter and their grandchildren.

It doesn’t mean that the price that we pay always takes a toll on us. It also gives us a lot of things. The kid who plays the sport well and learns lessons for life, irrespective of whether she goes on to become a champion or not. The bachelor who matures faster than the others his age and makes a mark on his own. The immigrants who gain great exposure and gather new experiences in a distant land. The professional who earns a good income and respect in the industry. Or the elders who enjoy their later years surrounded by people they have known over the years rather than being in a new place.

It is our willingness or reluctance to pay that price, that determines how our experience turns out. For if we choose whole-heartedly, we will make something out of it. If not, we can turn into a dud.

The last 20 years have taught me a lot of things. But the most important thing that I have learnt is this – whatever I choose whenever in my life, I must live that option completely, without thinking about why I chose it or what if I had chosen the other options. And definitely not worrying about the price I have to or had to pay on this path.

Makes life simpler and fuller…

Love and Longing…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was the summer of 1999. I had just finished my 12th exams and was awaiting results.

With my eyes clearly set on joining the Armed Forces, I had not been preparing for any other competitive exams and therefore wasn’t too engrossed in the coaching classes as my other friends were. With a lot of free time to kill, I had gone to my hometown to stay with my grandmother. My Dadi.

She was my first love.

My parents tell me that she absolutely adored me from the day I was born and took special care of me. And I was so fond of her and attached to her that I would rather stay with her than go to any other place, even with my parents.

As I grew up a little and my parents moved to different places, owing to my father’s transferable job, it was because of her that I stayed back in my hometown. It was also my parents confidence in her strength and character to nurture and bring me up without having to uproot me at that tender age.

So, while my mother shuttled between two places and my father stayed alone at times, I was sheltered under my Dadi’s watch. She just didn’t take care of me but also taught me a lot of new things. Those formative years that I spent with her are forever etched in my memory.

Once I turned into a teenager, my father finally decided to move me from the hometown to a new place where he was posted. Although it was a difficult decision for both me and my Dadi, it was perhaps the need of the hour for me to have new experiences and learn new things.

The next few years we stayed in 2-3 places, and during all that time, we constantly visited our hometown for important festivals, special occassions, or simply over the weekend. In that period, as I made new friends and moved through middle and high school, I realized the importance of the lessons she imparted to me, which helped me grow as an individual.

All this increased the respect I had for her, multifold. While we were not staying together, I used to still cherish spending time with her on our frequent visits or whenever she came over to stay with us. We used to talk about myriad things, I used to tell her about what is happening in my life, tease her for her constant fixation with all things pertaining to running the house, play board games with her, and take care of her as she was growing old.

Naturally, in that summer of 1999, when I had nothing better to do after my exams, I decided to travel and stay with Dadi for a few days. During those days, she was constantly worried about the next steps in my life. I tried to explain to her my choice and the reason why I had chosen so. I also tried to assure her that she needn’t worry as I was a grown up boy now. It was finally my father who patiently explained to her my choice and convinced her about it. Finally, as she reluctantly calmed down, I heaved a sigh of relief, almost behaving as if I was through the selection process.

That evening, as I waved to her on my way out, something strange churned within me. We had both always been sad about parting, even if for a short while. That day, however, I felt high emotions. I remember thinking about it on the way and feeling uneasy. We eventually reached our other home, a hundred kilometers away, at nightfall. Winding down after dinner, I remembered her sad face and slowly settled down to sleep.

It was alas, the last time I had seen her alive. For that same night, we got news of her demise. We packed again and went back. I recall seeing her still body lying on an ice slab and everyone around crying and sobbing. Strangely, there were no tears in my eyes. Just plain sadness. I sat down beside her and prayed for a few minutes. There were enough people at home, although it was early morning, and a lot of them were consoling us.

But I had absolutely no tears. I was dumbfounded. It was my first experience of seeing someone who wasn’t alive. And that too, my beloved Dadi.

As a couple of hours passed in that trance, I kept rethinking about the last few days I had spent with her and various memories kept flashing across my eyes. It felt as if sitting across her, I had just been watching her sleep, like I used to do at times in a mischievious way to spook her. The only difference being, she could not respond now.

That’s when it hit me. That I had lost her forever. And that she would never be back. Realizing that, my dam burst, and it must have been for 30-40 minutes that I couldn’t stop my tears. Finally, I gathered myself and we performed her last rites later that day, bidding her body the final goodbye.

It has been almost 23 years. And yet, the memories still linger on. Her body may have gone but her soul persists in my concious and sub-concious mind. I remember her in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my stories to my little one. And I am sure, she does too, somewhere in the universe. For as much as I loved her, she loved me much more!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dadi. As we celebrate the week of love, I must call out to you again, love you forever…

Mentors

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Defined as someone who is an experienced and trusted advisor, it is a heavy word. Not only in gravity but also in intent…

A mentor helps us understand that which we don’t, and guides us to make sense of what is happening and what can happen. Often in situations that have us in a bind or cannot fathom.

In my professional life, I consider myself lucky to have had 3 such great people, whom I have turned to for advice and guidance. Having worked with them closely and having known them for a good time, I know they always have the right intent while talking to me. But what has helped me and motivated me to seek their advice is the fact that they empathize with me but at the same time show me the reality.

Over the last few years, as I have grown professionally and aged personally, there have also been instances when colleagues / friends / cousins have turned to me for advice. And while I wouldn’t venture as far to call myself a mentor to them, it is often a case of someone reaching out believing that I will hear them out and throw some light from a different perspective. This weekend, as I was generally recalling some such conversations, I was astounded by the responsibility they had or continue to bestow on me each time they reach out to me.

It is fascinating to think about, your persona assuming enough importance or gravitas for someone to talk to you about a seemingly difficult aspect of their life. It is enthralling and actually quite easy to give advice, for even if you have not come across that situation, you can always say something that may make sense.

But it is hard. And requires deep thinking if you really want to do it genuinely. Because the other person giving you this resposibility is expecting the right intent and empathy from you. Not only that, the advice they are seeking could help them become better or worse. And knowing that, suggesting the right way, with a personal touch, isn’t easy.

As I looked back at some of my interactions with my mentors and reflected on their suggestions, I was thankful they adviced me well. A lot of those conversations helped me not only immediately but continue to ring in my ears whenever any similar situation arises. Gratitude!

Qualities that hopefully will be by my side, as I go along and get more opportunities to help others…

How far would you go?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

On everything? Really. Have we thought about it?

On life. Should I want to live life king size at all costs and be ready to do whatever may be required for it? Or should I be ready to draw a line somewhere and stay within that for my own heart’s sake?

On work. Should I compete with all others and do everything that’s required to reach the summit? Or should I balance things with a perspective of reaching where I intend to reach, without considering myself in a race?

On relationships. Should I do everything to take care of my relationships and maintain them, come what may? Or should I accept the strain or tension that some of them may imply, either vitiating myself or severing those ties, if it ever comes to that?

On health. Should I adopt habits that help me take care of myself for years to come and be conscious of my lifestyle choices even at the expense of my happiness? Or should I not worry too much about it and enjoy things that I like and live as I want to, postponing the worries to sometime in the future.

On wealth. Should I focus on earning more and saving more to ensure I can live comfortably later on? Or should I spend on things I want right now and assume the future will sort itself out and we will cross the bridge when we get there.

On ethics. Should I always have a upright stance on everything and morally do the right thing, even if it lands me in trouble or pulls me back? Or should I be ok to tweak things a bit to benefit myself in the spirit of being always successful?

On feelings. Should I be straight forward with them and let them be visible to others, even in difficult times? Or should I hide my true self from the world and put on a game face if required?

These are all difficult questions. Perhaps with no right answer.

This week, as I went through life in the wake of the new year, some of these thoughts occurred to me. Not in terms of making decisions about these points myself but generally, as something that I haven’t thought about explicitly.

Yet as I reflected more, I realized that most of us make one or the other choice on these spectrums in different points in our life. Some of these choices are made explicitly and some implicitly.

What matters is the understanding of the mechanism we use to make these choices – the inner workings of our head and our heart, combined with our circumstances and the atmosphere around us. Along with complete ownership of our decision and consciousness about our choices.

For that helps us be truthful about whether the choice we made was right or wrong, depending on the results and the path it led us to. And more importantly, allows us the freedom within to not be trapped eternally within those choices but to make corrections if needed or choose the next fork in our life’s journey…

Time

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As we enter 2022, it’s that time of the year when we feel the most hopeful, the beginning…

With the new year’s greetings posted and pictures of the recent vacaction or family time shared, everyone looks forward to what the new year holds in store for them. We make plans for the coming months and adopt resolutions that we hope to stick to forever.

And yet, time is an ironical friend!

It takes away at times, it gives more at times. It helps us experience highs and lows of life, sometimes all within a short span. And it certainly seems like the easiest thing to manage but is the most difficult to handle.

As we were winding up 2021, this apparent truth hit home for me.

We had planned for some travel in the new year to spend more time with our parents but with the oncoming rapid surge of the third wave in India, we decided to cut short our visit and return to base immediately, lest we get caught in the middle.

As the decision was taken within a span of 2 days, the earlier thought out plans all came to nought. Naturally, it wasn’t a great feeling for us to cut short a well planned out visit and neither was it for our parents. While they supported our decision to return, we could understand they ruing the missed opportunity of staying together longer.

While we proceeded with our new plan and are now back home, it reminded me of how often we take time for granted and instead of making the most of what we have on hand, plan ahead for the days and months to come. Sometimes too far in the future.

How we curtail things that we ought to do with our loved ones because we want to prioritise our time on seemingly more important things. Or how we take our relationships for granted and instead of investing time on them, try to put them into autopilot. Or worse still, cut ourselves off from others on the pretext of being busy with work and then drift apart from those folks.

So, as I entered the new year and was on my way back, while putting together in my head a broad plan for the year, I also resolved that I will spend more time with those who matter to me. In person, on the phone or on video calls, and through messages. Not only on weekends but also during the week, taking out time as I may be able to. Perhaps only for small things but nevertheless.

I know it will be difficult. But will strive to as much as possible. And hopefully, as the year goes by, will have a better feeling about how I utilized my time!

I am Quitting.

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

It’s been 2 years! Since I started writing this weekly blog every Sunday. Not an instalment missed over the last 104 such occasions.

There is a feeling that has come in sometimes though. Of what to write about and how to express it authentically. That sounds like me. Week after week. And that feeling sometimes also extends to questioning about what am I gaining by writing this weekly article.

It hasn’t helped me in my self-stated goal of writing a book. I have been writing something that may take shape of a book for these last couple of years but the story is still getting formed in my head. To make matters complicated, there are 3 or 4 stories that I keep grappling with and swing between which one to flesh out more. Or to make them sub-plots within a bigger one.

Then there are all those people (cannot count them on my fingers), who have told me to in fact channelize my thoughts into something concrete, rather than let them flow in to this weekly blog. Creativity is limited, is what I keep hearing too often.

More importantly, there are so many other things that I could be doing on a Sunday night instead of writing a blog which only manages to reach a few people but forces me to think and put into words all those thoughts that are running in my head that week into a short burst, exposing my inner self.

Worse, I have declared myself a “Budding Author” on Linkedin. The one lone social network that I actively use and where people who know me associate my being to who I am. Committing myself to be known for something that must happen sooner than later and justify the declaration in my profile’s title, lest I be known as an also-ran.

There are countless other things that I am not putting down here. Those, which have compelled me to re-think. And to quit doing what I have been doing on this forum since 2 years.

And therefore, as we enter the new year, I have come to a decision.

Of proving all of those things wrong! And to quit thinking about them!

Because, irrespective of if and when I do write my book or books, and whether I am able to publish them or not, these weekly blogs allow me to express myself. Not to others. But for myself.

This blabber does take effort and re-writing at times, which may perhaps be reducing my creativity, if at all, but is also helping me unshackle the chains and think about what I want to express and how.

And critically, by enforcing this schedule of every Sunday, helping me be disciplined about my writing effort. Without worrying about the end goal and how soon I prove myself to the outside world.

I don’t know if the bud I have planted in my Linkedin title will flower or not. I do know for sure thought that it has germinated. And sooner or later, without being bound for time, it will flourish if I continue tending to it.

The countless other things or even any important ones that may come up in the future, won’t matter even an ounce if I chose so.

So, as we close the books on 2021 and enter 2022, my resolution for the year ahead is to continue chipping at my craft, hone my skills, persevere with my efforts and not worry about proving myself all the time, nurture my dreams and let them blossom on their own, and be happy in the success I achieve, how so ever small they may be!

Now this could apply to so many things we do in our lives…

What to do, What not to do?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are lights in the dark alleys of our mind that mostly remain switched off. And then, sometimes one of them lights up and is enough to illuminate a lot of things! Like a floodlight.

Something similar happened with me this week…

I generally like things to go well in a structured fashion, as much as possible. When they don’t, I feel that I haven’t put in enough effort to make that happen. In fact, sometimes it leads me to be concerned too much about too many things.

A few days back, as it is sometimes bound to happen, a family outing that I had planned for, couldn’t happen due to multiple reasons. I felt bad that it was canceled because of something I could have taken care of earlier itself. And that led me to a worry loop, which kept me distracted for a few hours.

Cut to this week. I was doing some work and that incident again flashed in my memory. Usually, I would have brushed it off and moved on to other thoughts. But this one lingered for a while. As it was lunch time, I took a break to eat and then went to the terrace to clear out my head.

As I took a few rounds trying to let my mind rest, Stephen Covey’s 3-circle theory dawned on me, which I had read a long time ago. It conveys that one should be completely focused on resolving and worrying about things which are in one’s circle of control or to some extent those which are in the circle of influence. There are a lot of things that are outside of these two circles and while it is good to know about those things, it doesn’t help to focus our energies on them.

The connection of how this thought came into my conscious mind, I cannot decipher. But thankfully, it did!

As the thought compelled me to take a few more rounds, it became apparent to me that I sometimes worry unnecessarily about things that I don’t control. Perhaps they are in my circle of influence but by worrying too much about them, I probably lose out on focusing on things which are under my control.

It could be due to some faulty internal wiring within me or because of how I have trained my mind to think. Whatever be the case, it doesn’t help me and doesn’t help others close to me.

As this floodlight illuminated, it was clear to me that I have to stop doing this in my mind. Difficult yes, but doable. The only thing is for me to concentrate on what really is possible and not worry about anything else that could have been or what I cannot control beyond an extent.

I know, this is not going to happen immediately. After all, unlearning takes more time than learning. But am at it, one day at a time…