Personal

Commitments

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Why and how we make commitments? What do we do to keep them alive? And how long do we keep going to keep up with them and achieve our end goal?

The last two weeks, after coming through a couple of examples of success that took forever, these questions hovered in my mind. Specially because, I got asked by 3 different, unrelated people about what makes me keep on writing this blog every week. And I searched within to find those answers.

The first example that I came across was of Jonathan Larson, whose life is captured well in last year’s acclaimed movie ‘Tick, Tick, Boom!’. As I watched the movie and then read about him (hadn’t paid much attention to the Broadway scene earlier), I came to appreciate the journey he went through in those 8-10 years before success beget him.

The second example was of Robert Pirsig, whose book ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ is one of my absolute favorites. Generally browsing about authors, I chanced upon his story, which I hadn’t read till date. And it’s fascinating. How the book was rejected more than a hundred times before it became the cult success we see it as today.

These writers, and others of their ilk as well as those who continue to amaze us with their perseverance in other fields, tell us one thing. About how important is commitment to one’s dream/goal/cause and if we must resolve one thing that we should absolutely not give up on, it has to be commitment.

To ourselves. To our dream/goal/cause. To the process we are following to get there. And to the people around us who believe in what we are doing and continue to support us.

Even if it is as small a thing as being healthy. Or as big as building a happy family. Or a successful career.

When I reflected and juxtaposed this with my writing journey over the last two and a half years, I realized that while I haven’t reached even within striking distance of my stated goal of writing a book (hopefully books), there’s so much more for me to do. And how I shouldn’t be swayed away or disappointed by the time I have already put in but rather view it as a practice run.

In fact, this blog as an expression of my thoughts is a vital cog in my writing journey. Something, that’s only helping me become better prepared to do what I intend to do and in the process, helping me try so many things.

Yes, I should find more time do write my first book. Yes, I need to start putting in some serious thoughts to shape up the unfinished plots and figure out the overall storyline. And yes, I must do this as quickly as I can.

But even while I get things in order to do all of these and perhaps more, I mustn’t loose track and wait for the ideal time. I should rather continue practicing.

For only when we continue in our quests and keep the flame alive, is when we can hope to find the treasure we are seeking…

The Logical Emotion

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I know this term may seem contradictory at first sight! But delve deeper, as I did, and there’s a lot of unearthing to do…

All of us live by the idea that we are emotional beings and do a lot of things influenced by the emotions that run through us. We also believe that if we remove emotions from anything, we become nonchalant and non-committal. Hence, it is almost logical to deduce that we go through our life journey in large parts guided by emotions.

But if we look at a lot of other things that we do, specially when it comes to our careers / professional life, we like to believe that we are being logical. Or for some of us, even in other aspects of our life, including in relationships.

We also generally go by the belief that most times when we get emotional, our logical self goes for a hike and we end up doing things which may not be in the best interest of ourselves.

But what if there’s a possibility of these two seemingly contradictory worlds co-existing?

This week, as me and my wife spent a lot of time discussing and debating on certain important decisions that could impact us for years to come, I came to realize that this possibility could be real.

We started off with the position that we must decide logically about our choice and hence dissected a lot of aspects to understand what will be the best choice for us. We discussed about our individual perspectives, collective thoughts as a family, and even from an outwardly point of view.

We laid bare all the possibilities of what could go right for us in making those choices and what could go wrong.

We thought about the impact those choices may have on us, our daughter, our parents and siblings, and weighed them on our barometer.

We looked at our choices from a professional and a financial perspective and also thought out different scenarios about what we want to achieve.

Eventually though, it all came down to emotions!

Behind all the logical thinking and brainstorming, we were somewhere also attaching our thoughts to our emotions. And those emotions were complicating the decision making process.

Finally, after a lot of logical discussion, when we couldn’t arrive at a clear decision, we resorted to the ultimate emotional test – what would make us happier?

As we judged the choices and let our emotions guide us to the logical conclusion, I realized that it was a combined play between logic and emotions that got us home. If not, we would still be undecided!

I recently heard from a wise man, “Bring your own authentic self to the fore everywhere, and you won’t have to maintain two different personalities at work and at home”. Extending it a little, I would add, “Let emotions and logic run into each other and help guide you to the right things in life, don’t try and keep them separate”.

Let life be decided not on the basis of one single thing, for it is as complex as complex can be…

Inspiration

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“the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something…” That’s how the Oxford dictionary defines ‘Inspiration’.

It’s a powerful word because it not only denotes a state of mind that is better than what most would experience but also promises an outcome that will be better than what most would expect.

It can be a boon for average humans, pushing them into a higher gear they didn’t know existed. It can be a bane for those who constantly seek it, for it eludes the most gifted sometimes.

We seek it in difficult times, when we need the strength to get by. We also seek it when the times are good and we need to go higher and farther.

The dichotomy is, it is easy to find and yet hard to internalize!

As I was ruminating today on a few events recently, I realized that we constantly seek inspiration. At home when we want to try something new, at work when we are wanting to do our best, on vacations when we set our life’s goals, in the middle of our busy life when those goalposts keep shifting or seem very far. Basically, in any and every setting.

And yet, while it’s almost always easy to find that inspiration, the difficult part is to keep that inspiration somewhere within us and move ahead with sure-headedness that the inspiration provides us. A lot of times, while we get inspired in the moment or for a few days, it isn’t sustainable to keep that inspiration going for a long time.

That’s why we discontinue our new fitness regimen after making that new year resolution. Or we find it difficult to give ourselves that 1 hour everyday to do things that we love to do after a few days. Or we give up on that new skill that we were so excited about in the previous year. Or how we just coast along at work, and in life, after a few heady weeks when we wanted to be our absolute best.

Only those who are able to sustain that inspiration within themselves, internalize it and make their goal a must-achieve one, and then work towards it diligently day after day, are the ones who benefit from that inspiration. Otherwise, most of us just move on to the next inspiration in line, trying to make ends meet.

To succeed in life then, is the best strategy to decide on what is most important for us and then draw inspiration to help us succeed within those sphere(s)? Or does it make more sense of going with the flow and living life, while trying to understand what really inspires us and then doubling down on it?

I don’t know. Different approaches work for different people.

What I do know and have realized is, whatever approach we take to life, it’s important we derive inspiration from anything that can push us, for everything that we do. For we do need it from time to time!

And for things that matter to us, whether at the outset or as the fog lifts, we must internalize those inspirations to make sure that we don’t drop the ball mid-way…

The weight of expectations

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

2005 was an eventful year for me.

I graduated out of college, got my first job, had a whale of a time with my college friends, and had an amazing time on the work front. But it was also an year of disappointment.

After coming out of the Army owing to an accident, I had taken to 2 things. One was computers, which I was rather good at. And hence I chose to immerse myself into the field. The other was management; something I found affinity for and wanted to get deeper into.

With the last year of my graduation, I decided to appear for CAT, the common test to get into some of the best management institutes of India. I prepared for more than a year, burning the midnight oil to be ready for one of the toughest competitive exams in the country.

I was doing well for myself leading up to the test. I had consistently scored well in mock exams and had a good grasp of most things. I had also practiced a lot and was generally confident about my chances.

So were others. Most people around me believed that I could crack the exam. I got a lot of positive feedback from my friends, teachers, other students preparing alongside. And that all gave me more hope.

When I finally went to give the test, I was pretty sure of a good score. And was naturally aiming for the IIM’s.

As luck would have it, that day’s test proved to be elusive. I thought I did well but I wasn’t sure of how well. Eventually, I scored pretty well on the test scale but somehow couldn’t land an interview call for the IIM’s.

This devastated me. It was as if I was destined for a higher plane and suddenly the ground sunk. Most people around me also were surprised. They had expected I will be able to sail through.

I took it to my heart that I couldn’t fulfil others expectations. And that reflected in my behaviour and performance in an interview I gave based on those results. It was for a good college but because I was carrying a lot of weight on my mind, I didn’t give it my best and hence couldn’t get through.

This week, as I was listening to Carol Dweck, an American psychologist on the growth mindset, I realised that what had transpired with me then, was bending down due to weight of expectations I was carrying with me.

So even though I could have still done well and gotten through one of the other good colleges, I let myself down because I thought I had not met the expectations others had of me. Because everyone expected me to do well and I couldn’t, it disturbed me.

A lot of times we carry along weight in our mind that is borne out of expectations that we ourselves or others have of us. Sometimes it is explicitly stressed, sometimes self inflicted. Most times it is completely avoidable!

The easiest solution is to know that this weight of expectations doesn’t help anyone. Neither the person who is expecting and certainly not the person from whom things are expected. Even if it is oneself.

Better to just let things flow and live life with an attitude of trying one’s best and continuing even if the results don’t match what was expected…

Acting Fast and Slow

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We are always choosing. Between two or more things. Between what we believe are possibilities that exist for us.

Some of those decisions are easy to make. Some of them are difficult. Some of those affect just us. Some affect others also. Some land up right. Others end up being wrong.

However, we still continue to choose. Some of us make those choices based on what our mind says. Some of us choose what echoes in our heart.

This week as I deliberated within myself on something that’s personal for me, all these thoughts came to me.

I for one, make a lot of choices based on what my heart says. I go with my gut. A few of those have been wrong, a lot of them have been right. I like to act fast.

But a few times, I get stumped. Like this once.

Whenever faced within a decision, I naturally search within to sense which direction I am leaning towards. Depending on which option my gut feeling is very strong about and I am convinced about in my thoughts, I go ahead with that choice.

For a long time in my life, this used to be the only way I used to decide. Then, as I started growing up and faced life and failures, I realised that while it was my strength, if there is hesitancy or lack of clarity, I need to slow down and think through.

Over the last few years, I have been practising this. So, if I am not able to make up my mind immediately, I wait to get a better understanding and then analyse the possibilities to decide about the choices using my head. Again, some of those things have turned out well, some not. That’s how the dice rolls…

But this time, like only a few others, I am perplexed. And while being in this situation suggests it’s not a simple decision, what is complicating things is the duel between the heart and the mind. Both are pulling me in different directions.

In similar situations before, I have gone ahead and chosen quickly, prioritising speed of decision making to help me move forward. Perhaps also to put my mind to rest and work with what’s known to me.

But this time, I want to give myself time and take it slower than I ever have. So am going to run with these thoughts until natural clarity emerges from somewhere within. I know it will trouble me for a few more days but it’s an experiment to train myself to act slowly, deliberately at times, if the situation demands so.

Let’s see where I land. After all, what’s life without challenging oneself!

As per estimates…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all have a perception about ourselves. Of what we stand for, who we are, how we are doing, and so on. How does this perspective compare with what others think of us?

This week, this question came up repeatedly in front of me. In the form of some interactions, what I was reading, watching. Almost seemed like all roads leading up to it!

Interestingly, I wasn’t compelled to think about it too much until today, when in the evening, watching the brilliantly made movie, Coda, I realized how much of an influence it has on us as an individual…

All of us gain awareness about self at a pretty early age. As we grow up, that persona only becomes more refined. Of course our experiences and surroundings shape that up but we hold on to it because that’s who we believe we are.

During specific phases of our life, this persona is confident and in the right place. What we do or don’t, is generally agreeable to others. But in a lot of cases, this perception doesn’t match. Sometimes, we go overboard with the self-evaluation and end up on the wrong side. Worse, some times, we underestimate ourselves and believe we aren’t as good as we are, robbing ourselves of the experiences we should have.

It’s not just about how we evaluate ourselves. It is also about how others look at us. At rare times, the people around us believe in us more than we do and at other times, we inspire little confidence in others.

It is also about how we view others around us. And how we are evaluating them. Because at times, we consciously or unconsciously slot someone in a particular category based on our biases, our world view, or just on the basis of what others say.

Whenever the perception balance tilts to one side, it causes disruption. And distortion. Within us. For who are we if not a product of the society and the people around us. If they believe in us more than we do, it creates a lot of pressure. If they don’t believe in us as much as we do, it creates frustration and anger or sadness.

As I thought about my own journey so far, all these three have occurred in varying degrees. I have had good confident runs, have learnt a couple of hard lessons being overconfident, and have had occasions when I felt overwhelmed or not up to the mark.

Some of the biggest learnings in life have however happened when I have conquered mine or other’s underestimation. When I have had to challenge myself to achieve what I or others assumed wasn’t possible or doable.

The key then is in our hands. If we feel underestimated or below par, it is up to us to raise the bar. Or if we underestimate someone incorrectly, it is up to us to accept them when they raise their bar.

Because, as per estimates, we will be on the wrong side a lot of times!

The Unknown…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s summer time. At least in Bangalore, where I stay, summer has arrived. The sun is getting hotter every day and the fans have been switched on.

With summers, comes the love for water. Cold water. And as it happened this weekend, the love for swimming in cold water.

Most covid restrictions now lifted, kids in the society I stay in, decided to take to water like a force unleashed. Combined with a new instructor ready to teach the new ones, it was fun and frolic in water like not seen in the last 2 years!

Today, as I took my daughter to the pool, and watched her have fun while learning the basics, it was interesting to see how the small kids were reacting to being in the water. It so happened that at the same time I was also talking to my father in law. He being an ace swimmer, we were chatting about our daughter’s classes and he was narrating his experiences with kids while teaching them how to swim.

We talked about how the experience with water can be a lot of fun for some but can also be terrifying for others. The ones who enjoy being in that water, swear by those experiences. The ones who are terrified or in it for the first time, aren’t as happy and may want to avoid it the next time.

Long after we had come back home, that conversation and those scenes from today’s splash in the pool remained with me. And showed me some light…

All of us have our own way of handling things. Things that we feel good about – those which we know or can relate to – we handle them with ease. Things we don’t feel good about – those which are strange or new or unknown – sometimes confuse or terrify us. We gravitate towards the first kind and try and steer clear or are less receptive to the second kind.

However, according to my experiences and perspective, life doesn’t get built by doing those easy things. They can anyways be done. What makes or breaks us and our life is what we don’t know about – the unknown. Our experiences with them and within them and our responses and behaviour in those moments teach us a lot and help us grow.

And yet, while this simple thing is known to all of us, time and again when we are faced with the unknown, we grapple with and within ourselves. Not knowing what we should do and whether we will do the right thing. A lot of times, in that fear of the unknown, we shirk the path less travelled and stay our current course.

Back home, when these thoughts played out in my mind, they opened up my vistas. There was something running within me for the last few days, which was troubling me because of it’s unknown nature. I wasn’t sure of what I should do. I was perhaps thinking a lot and becoming confused in the process.

As I cleared the fog in my mind today, I realized that while there may be unknowns, it is best for me to move forward and give it a try. While there is a balanced chance of it not turning out as promised, there is also a good enough chance of it leaving me with an enriched experience.

After all, as someone said, life is one big adventure and we must try something new and unknown all the time…

“The Price”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 20 years!

20 years have passed by after that moment when I first heard those words from a senior doctor’s – “It will be better for you to accept and get medically boarded out”.

The year was 2002, I was in the Military Hospital in Pune, having been on bed for more than 4 months. Hospitalized due to a cervical fracture, holed up with fellow officers, it was a feeling of helplessness, without a clear view of how my life post hospitalization will shape up. I had had multiple conversations with the doctors and while my condition had improved slightly, it was a long road to full recovery ahead.

It was then, during one of those mildly cold mornings, when the senior doctor visiting me broached the topic. I was taken aback. It wasn’t something I had prepared myself for. But he told me with a lot of clarity that while I will pay the price with a few lost years, it will be better for me in the long run with a lot of options outside the armed forces.

I took sometime to discuss, deliberate, and get convinced on the path ahead and ultimately decided to pay the price of those few lost years. I came out, adapted myself to a new life, and have had a lot of great experiences over the years. Have I lost out on something? Yes, probably a lot would have happened with my life if I had decided to stay back in the Army. But then, I took a call and decided on the price I want to pay.

As I was reflecting on this passage of time this week, I realized that we constantly take decisions and choose between multiple options, each of which extract a price.

Most kids who take up a sport seriously and choose to focus on it as a career option, pay the price of going through a disciplined regime, when other kids their age are enjoying a carefree life.

Most bachelors who choose to move out of their parents home and go to a different city for career prospects, pay the price of living uncomfortably when they could have had a more easier life.

Most people who move to a different country forego the familiarity of their own place and people they know, to venture out into the unknown world.

Those who decide to work in a role or job that is demanding, pay the price by handling stress and possibly later on with their disturbed health.

The ones who in their old age choose their home town over living with their kids, pay the price of being away from their son/daughter and their grandchildren.

It doesn’t mean that the price that we pay always takes a toll on us. It also gives us a lot of things. The kid who plays the sport well and learns lessons for life, irrespective of whether she goes on to become a champion or not. The bachelor who matures faster than the others his age and makes a mark on his own. The immigrants who gain great exposure and gather new experiences in a distant land. The professional who earns a good income and respect in the industry. Or the elders who enjoy their later years surrounded by people they have known over the years rather than being in a new place.

It is our willingness or reluctance to pay that price, that determines how our experience turns out. For if we choose whole-heartedly, we will make something out of it. If not, we can turn into a dud.

The last 20 years have taught me a lot of things. But the most important thing that I have learnt is this – whatever I choose whenever in my life, I must live that option completely, without thinking about why I chose it or what if I had chosen the other options. And definitely not worrying about the price I have to or had to pay on this path.

Makes life simpler and fuller…

Love and Longing…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was the summer of 1999. I had just finished my 12th exams and was awaiting results.

With my eyes clearly set on joining the Armed Forces, I had not been preparing for any other competitive exams and therefore wasn’t too engrossed in the coaching classes as my other friends were. With a lot of free time to kill, I had gone to my hometown to stay with my grandmother. My Dadi.

She was my first love.

My parents tell me that she absolutely adored me from the day I was born and took special care of me. And I was so fond of her and attached to her that I would rather stay with her than go to any other place, even with my parents.

As I grew up a little and my parents moved to different places, owing to my father’s transferable job, it was because of her that I stayed back in my hometown. It was also my parents confidence in her strength and character to nurture and bring me up without having to uproot me at that tender age.

So, while my mother shuttled between two places and my father stayed alone at times, I was sheltered under my Dadi’s watch. She just didn’t take care of me but also taught me a lot of new things. Those formative years that I spent with her are forever etched in my memory.

Once I turned into a teenager, my father finally decided to move me from the hometown to a new place where he was posted. Although it was a difficult decision for both me and my Dadi, it was perhaps the need of the hour for me to have new experiences and learn new things.

The next few years we stayed in 2-3 places, and during all that time, we constantly visited our hometown for important festivals, special occassions, or simply over the weekend. In that period, as I made new friends and moved through middle and high school, I realized the importance of the lessons she imparted to me, which helped me grow as an individual.

All this increased the respect I had for her, multifold. While we were not staying together, I used to still cherish spending time with her on our frequent visits or whenever she came over to stay with us. We used to talk about myriad things, I used to tell her about what is happening in my life, tease her for her constant fixation with all things pertaining to running the house, play board games with her, and take care of her as she was growing old.

Naturally, in that summer of 1999, when I had nothing better to do after my exams, I decided to travel and stay with Dadi for a few days. During those days, she was constantly worried about the next steps in my life. I tried to explain to her my choice and the reason why I had chosen so. I also tried to assure her that she needn’t worry as I was a grown up boy now. It was finally my father who patiently explained to her my choice and convinced her about it. Finally, as she reluctantly calmed down, I heaved a sigh of relief, almost behaving as if I was through the selection process.

That evening, as I waved to her on my way out, something strange churned within me. We had both always been sad about parting, even if for a short while. That day, however, I felt high emotions. I remember thinking about it on the way and feeling uneasy. We eventually reached our other home, a hundred kilometers away, at nightfall. Winding down after dinner, I remembered her sad face and slowly settled down to sleep.

It was alas, the last time I had seen her alive. For that same night, we got news of her demise. We packed again and went back. I recall seeing her still body lying on an ice slab and everyone around crying and sobbing. Strangely, there were no tears in my eyes. Just plain sadness. I sat down beside her and prayed for a few minutes. There were enough people at home, although it was early morning, and a lot of them were consoling us.

But I had absolutely no tears. I was dumbfounded. It was my first experience of seeing someone who wasn’t alive. And that too, my beloved Dadi.

As a couple of hours passed in that trance, I kept rethinking about the last few days I had spent with her and various memories kept flashing across my eyes. It felt as if sitting across her, I had just been watching her sleep, like I used to do at times in a mischievious way to spook her. The only difference being, she could not respond now.

That’s when it hit me. That I had lost her forever. And that she would never be back. Realizing that, my dam burst, and it must have been for 30-40 minutes that I couldn’t stop my tears. Finally, I gathered myself and we performed her last rites later that day, bidding her body the final goodbye.

It has been almost 23 years. And yet, the memories still linger on. Her body may have gone but her soul persists in my concious and sub-concious mind. I remember her in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my stories to my little one. And I am sure, she does too, somewhere in the universe. For as much as I loved her, she loved me much more!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dadi. As we celebrate the week of love, I must call out to you again, love you forever…

Mentors

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Defined as someone who is an experienced and trusted advisor, it is a heavy word. Not only in gravity but also in intent…

A mentor helps us understand that which we don’t, and guides us to make sense of what is happening and what can happen. Often in situations that have us in a bind or cannot fathom.

In my professional life, I consider myself lucky to have had 3 such great people, whom I have turned to for advice and guidance. Having worked with them closely and having known them for a good time, I know they always have the right intent while talking to me. But what has helped me and motivated me to seek their advice is the fact that they empathize with me but at the same time show me the reality.

Over the last few years, as I have grown professionally and aged personally, there have also been instances when colleagues / friends / cousins have turned to me for advice. And while I wouldn’t venture as far to call myself a mentor to them, it is often a case of someone reaching out believing that I will hear them out and throw some light from a different perspective. This weekend, as I was generally recalling some such conversations, I was astounded by the responsibility they had or continue to bestow on me each time they reach out to me.

It is fascinating to think about, your persona assuming enough importance or gravitas for someone to talk to you about a seemingly difficult aspect of their life. It is enthralling and actually quite easy to give advice, for even if you have not come across that situation, you can always say something that may make sense.

But it is hard. And requires deep thinking if you really want to do it genuinely. Because the other person giving you this resposibility is expecting the right intent and empathy from you. Not only that, the advice they are seeking could help them become better or worse. And knowing that, suggesting the right way, with a personal touch, isn’t easy.

As I looked back at some of my interactions with my mentors and reflected on their suggestions, I was thankful they adviced me well. A lot of those conversations helped me not only immediately but continue to ring in my ears whenever any similar situation arises. Gratitude!

Qualities that hopefully will be by my side, as I go along and get more opportunities to help others…