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The Precious Years…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I live in a state of concern and apprehension. Concern about how my parents, who are getting older, age. And apprehension about how I would support them in the years to come.

I was born and brought up in a joint family and stayed away from my parents, by choice, until I was eleven. Not entirely, but for elongated periods of time when my mom joined my dad in his postings. In those days, I never really felt too much when they left me behind.

Then, as I grew up and joined the army, for the first time in my life, I felt the pangs of separation. Perhaps more so because that was the first time I was staying away from my family. But I did miss my parents a lot in those days.

So, when I had to come out, I went over to Delhi, where they were. Even post finishing college and starting work, I continued to visit them quite often. I started enjoying their company and the times we spent together as a family.

Life moved on, I found the love of my life, and got married. We moved to Bangalore for work and my parents made it a point to come over once a year to spend time with us, while we took time out for a couple of weeks to go spend with them. It made me habitual to they being around to share life’s important moments.

Then, with our daughter’s birth, the relationship further evolved and they started spending more time with us, weeks together. As they settled in their new rhythms of post-retirement life and having a grandchild, it gave our relationship a new perspective. I suddenly grew up in their eyes.

Over the last few years, our relationship has further blossomed more than I imagined. We enjoy spending time together, going on vacations, enjoying as a family. Or being at home and watching a movie together or playing games. At ease with the time we get together, knowing it is only a few weeks.

While they pass on more wisdom to me every time, I too have come to respect them more and more for what they did as parents. It’s not easy being one.

But it’s also a realisation on my part that whatever time I get to spend with them now and as long as I can, is most precious. Almost like the younger days of our daughter were, when she was growing up every single day. Not discounting the time I have spent with them earlier or what I spend with my daughter now, but speaking relatively.

So, when they decided to come over for a couple of months to stay with us, I was so excited. Those two months got over today and they are heading back. As I stood at the airport, waving them the final byes, a lump formed in my throat.

Not because it will be some time before I meet them again and we stay together for a while, but because I wished the time spent with them could have been longer…

On my way back from the airport, I found solace in the fact that I was able to spend so much time with them. And do so many things while they were with us.

The words of a recent chat with a friend echoed in my mind – “Past a certain age, every moment is in itself precious. We just have to learn to enjoy our time with our parents to the maximum!”

The Grand Picture…

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Our life centres around our “self” and that too in the moment. But are we really able to see the grand picture?

My mind raced in all directions this past week, as I visited the canyons with my family and absorbed the grandness of them all.

While walking an aptly named ‘trail of time’ at the Grand Canyon, where every long step is equal to a million years, our meagre years seemed infinitely small.

And yet, as I contemplated about life over the past week or so away on vacation, I couldn’t help but think about what am I doing, where are things heading, etc.

The contrast of these two at the same time couldn’t be starker. I was concentrating on self in the moment, and not looking at the bigger picture.

Paradoxically, thinking about this contrast also helped clear my head. It became easier to think of life as a series of events that lead to something meaningful at the end of it all.

Not random happenings but inter-connected dots that leave an impression, howsoever small or faint, on some people and things.

A journey that starts and ends in a few years but continues to echo through the chambers of time for a few more years to come.

As these thoughts raced in my mind, I figured the bigger picture for me as an individual would be my entire life and what it affects. Not just what I am doing right now or what may have happened or will happen.

So what’s my bigger picture – I don’t know yet what that entirety entails!

I just know that I have to continue doing things which are interesting to me, which help me progress my knowledge and experiences, and which make me a better father/husband/son/brother/friend/human.

If I am able to do that, I will have lived a life worth something…

Something which will complete my grand picture…

Hand over Heart

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It’s the festival of colours. It is also a festival that brings friends closer and increases bonding. That’s how my dad described Holi to my daughter.

We were on the road, when this topic came up. As my dad narrated the mythological story behind the festival and my daughter tuned in, I went back in years to how we celebrated Holi back in the days.

A right turn brought me out of that stupor, making me realise that the festival doesn’t just symbolises friendship and love but also how heart is more important than head.

I know, I am making a sweeping statement here. May not be agreeable. But see if my logic makes sense…

In years gone by, our heart always held more love than we have now. And it always weighed heavier than our head. Well, at least in my immediate circle it did.

But as days passed by, the head started becoming stronger. It thought too much, painted alternatives vividly, ascribed wins and losses, and in just a few years, stood on par with our heart.

We began taking decisions not just weighing what our heart said but listening equally to what our head said. It meant prosperity, better luck, more fruitful outings, and so on. But it also meant lesser no. of people in our inner circles, constricted thinking patterns, and individualistic fervour.

Today, therefore, we need a festival to remind us of wishing people, meeting them, enjoying our life with them!

My own journey reflects this. Whenever I listened to my heart, or still do, my head seeds doubts. Did I take the right decision? Will this turn out well?

I sometimes fall into the trap and overlook my heart. But when I don’t, and go with what my heart said, I rarely find the path I took to be bad for me. It may be difficult, yes. But then, so is life.

Coming back, this heart over head bit plays a big role in my social life too. When I go with my heart and don’t bother about what I gain out of doing something for someone, I always come out for the better. I feel more satisfied. More connected. More in sync with life.

And so, this Holi, as the fire burns and engulfs us all in its warmth, I hope to go back to my earlier days and believe more in my heart.

It won’t turn back the clock on some not-so-good days but will hopefully keep me tuned in to have many more good ones!

Proud, Prouder, Proudest…

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There are times when your heart suddenly swells with love or pride. And then there are times when this feeling goes higher…

This past week, something similar happened to me.

My wife was chosen as an emerging leader in her field!

A Big deal. A proud moment for me and the entire family.

When she broke the news to me first, my heart swelled with pride. For she has gone through a lot to get there. Having been a witness to almost all of it, I can vouch for it.

As she announced the news to the world a few days later and it appeared in my social media feed, it instantly pushed me to press the like button to express my pride. But I stopped short of posting any comment there.

Not because I didn’t want to. But because I thought it will be better to put this through my written word. Anyways, I have not been a big contributor to the social media scene off late. So, why do it and break my pattern.

Back to the spotlight. I opened up my feed and the notification had some more news about other people liking and commenting on my wife’s post. As I read some of the comments, and she corroborated some offline instances, I became prouder.

For she had got much more heartwarming reception and feedback from her team and people around her. That speaks volumes about her leadership and naturally left a much bigger imprint on the pride index within my heart.

But most of all, I feel the proudest about how she has balanced things on the personal front and yet gone beyond herself to deliver on the work front. It isn’t easy to do that and my respect for all the women who do that day in and day out has only increased.

We have known each other for almost two decades now. And in our often happening life, the way she complements me may not get reflected often in my writing. But the pride she makes me feel hopefully only continues to swell…

The joy of little

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We celebrate abundance. But don’t respect it enough.

On the other hand, we don’t like having little. But sometimes it gives us joy like nothing else.

Yesterday, on a hike with clear bright skies, I spent time talking to my daughter about a few things. She was getting tired in between and I was trying to divert her mind to something else.

In that effort, I came across this rather true juxtaposition…

I was narrating to her how in my younger days, holidays happened far and few in between.

We were mostly occupied with playing in the neighbourhood and only went on longer holidays once in 2-3 years. We did do shorter one-day trips to nearby places but the longer ones were what I remembered.

I still remember my trip to Darjeeling, a hill station in India’s north eastern region, when I was ten. Or when we went to Jammu and surrounding areas after I finished my tenth standard.

Those trips were a lot of fun. We were with family friends or cousins and celebrated through the trip.

Even after returning, we used to reminisce about those days for months altogether. Although such trips were very few, the pleasure we derived was immense.

Contrast to today. We take a lot more holidays. And often. Almost twice a year.

Yet, only a few of those are really remembered long after. Most of them fade away after a few months.

So the abundance of holidays isn’t helping with more memories. They are helping with getting away from the everyday bustle of life but maybe that’s it.

That’s why we try and go for these holidays now, to seek a breather from our non-stop lives. And therefore, only a few of those really are worth remembering!

Perhaps, true for other things in life as well…

Solitude

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

I was at land’s end today, staring into the horizon. It was one of those hiking trails, overlooking the Pacific Ocean on the US west coast.

There were waves crashing by on the rocks down below. Wind in the air hadn’t picked up and the sun’s rays made it a warm outing. Unlike most days.

Some people around the area were capturing pictures, others were just sitting and talking. My own companions, wife and daughter, were busy looking around.

As I soaked all of this in, and looked on, I got into that zone where I meet solitude. It was short lived, probably a couple of minutes. But amidst the surroundings, with so much happening around me, it was refreshing.

As we continued on the hike, I was reminded of a lunch-time chat with a couple of colleagues. We were talking about things we do in our off times to stay fit. One guy talking about how sports was his thing, the other talked about biking. I talked about walking and how it not only helps me with fitness but also allows me to disconnect a bit from other things and find that solitude zone.

Then, as we went the full circle on the trail, up and down the hillocks nearby, I kept absorbing the scenery around me and thinking about it.

I guess I seek solitude because it just helps me be. In those moments, I don’t worry about anything which is taking away my time. Nor do I get myself busy with something to pass time.

I think through things clearly, just about anything. Some days it is to do with something personal. A few days, professional. Maybe a problem that’s vexing me at work. Or a personal dilemma that needs attention.

I look back at or ahead toward life. Without any particular reason, just like that. And I find some gems – a hidden feeling, a long-forgotten memory, a strand of thought of what may be exciting for me down the road.

Sometimes I just don’t have any thoughts running through my mind. I just look on and keep walking, blankly. Putting my mind to rest, refreshing myself in the process.

When I was younger, I wouldn’t have appreciated this as much as I do now. Perhaps the youthful eagerness has been tempered. Or perhaps it’s the little wisdom I have gained out of life until now.

What’s clear though is that by finding solitude time and again in random places, my life has gained a new dimension. One of self discovery, reflection, and assimilation…

How many feet?

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It was the early 90’s. I was just about to turn 10, when I was first asked about what I want to become.

I remember having seen a plane flying in the sky and getting enthralled. I instantly replied, a fighter pilot.

Why I added the word fighter I don’t know. But it meant more to me than just being a ‘pilot’…

As the next few years passed by, this dream of mine took shape. I became more serious about entering the armed forces. Eventually, I cleared the National Defence Academy exams to become an officer.

However, fate had something else in store for me, as I was diagnosed with partial colour blindness and hence couldn’t join the Air Force.

While I settled down to join the Army, and then came out, the longing of not getting the opportunity to fly planes has remained.

Even after all these years, whenever I see fighter jets zooming around, even in movies, they leave me with a feeling of having missed out. Maybe, I would have had a different view of the world if I had flown one of those.

That same feeling got triggered watching the fleet at the Republic Day fly-past on Friday. As my wife commented to my daughter, that’s my favourite part of the yearly parade. Because it allows me this visceral pleasure!

Turn to today, I am on this flight for a business trip. On my way, scanning the landscape, I saw this amazing frozen lake in the Rocky Mountains and the feeling returned.

But as I continued to mesmerise over the view from the top, something hit me. I would have equally enjoyed the view from the bottom.

Because while the view from air awed me with the vastness of it all, the view from the base on land would have also awed me with the vastness of it all.

The perspective would have been different for sure, but there is no point in comparing the two. For they were both perspectives of the same place. And whether from 20,000 feet or 2000, they both have their own positives.

So, while I may have missed out on flying planes and getting to enjoy the ground below, I have got chances to enjoy the landscape from the base.

And while it surely would have been a great thing to fly jets, the things I have gotten to do have also been great.

Does this mean the feeling or longing go away from my heart? No, I don’t think so.

But yes, it does help me with an understanding that life is to enjoy as it is, rather than how it could be…

Innocent Age

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Our children are way smarter than we are. Not something that I need to prove but commonly and clearly visible.

What surprises though is the clarity with which they talk and behave…

The other day, I was talking to my eight-and-a-half year old daughter about growing up. I was expecting that she will say something around how she wants to grow up and do her own things. Or perhaps something about what she may want to do when she grows up.

Her answer though surprised me. She said, “I think I am happy being what age I am at right now. I wish I don’t grow up”.

I was slightly taken aback. So, I replied, “Why wouldn’t you want to grow up? Don’t you want to do a few things that you cannot do right now”?

Her clarity shone through in her reply. “Dad, I know when I grow up, there will be many more things that I can do. But I like my life right now more because I can do a lot of things that I won’t be able to do then”.

I was flabbergasted. Hadn’t heard this from her before. Didn’t know where this was coming from. Guess, it was some interaction she may have had or some observation she had made.

Anyways, gathering my wits around me, I continued, “So, you enjoy school and playing with friends, etc”? Her reply was classic, “Not just that but the fact that I don’t have to worry about so many things like you and Mom”.

I couldn’t carry on the conversation any further!

As I sat back and reflected, it was obvious that I didn’t have as much clarity or intelligence about life when I was 8 or even 10. It was also obvious that the kids today are getting exposed to so many more things, which is helping them develop faster.

What really surprised me wasn’t her thoughts but how clearly she could articulate it and convey so much in so less words.

As I continued through the next few days, this conversation kept coming back in my memory. And every time it left a smile on my face.

For, as much as the little girl doesn’t want to grow up, I too wish she remains the same as she does grow up!!!

Connections and meaning…

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We make them. We break them…

We sustain them. We ruin them…

We nurture them. We ignore them…

It’s one of those dichotomies of our life, where this very word conjures both happy and sad feelings in us. For the same people, or the same surroundings, but different feelings in different times!

Nothing unique about it though. It’s the same dichotomy that surrounds love and health. They both make us happy or sad at different times for the same reasons.

However, coming back to connections, as I unwound during the year-end break and reflected on the last couple of years of my life, this was my big realization.

I had not made many new connections. I had not sustained some of the older ones well enough. And I had not nurtured those that are dear to me.

Not that I wanted to intentionally land like this. I had made efforts all this while to ignore precisely this situation. But life had taken its toll. I had flown with the daily turbulence of life and had unknowingly been busy paddling all across.

As I reflected on these thoughts, it occurred to me that this wasn’t the first time it had happened. And it probably wouldn’t have been so stark a realization, if not for my current state of mind. A mind which is seeking meaning.

As I thought about how I want to make the new year different and my life more fulsome, I came to one non-negotiable conclusion. That I have to make new connections, sustain those I have, and nurture the ones I really care about.

For what is life without being and remaining connected!

Who Moved My …

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Life is uncertain. This is one of the first truisms I learnt. I guess, all of us realise this at some point in time. And then live with it unconsciously.

Until, when life throws a curveball at us…

The most common fallacy we live with till then is that this won’t happen with us. Until it does.

And then we get surprised, knocked out, and end up dejected. Some times, we see this coming. Often times, it is completely tangential.

While watching a couple of movies this weekend revolving around this theme, I relived my own days of despair and came through with these thoughts.

As it so happened, whilst in the Army, I was hospitalised for a long time on account of a cervical spine injury. As days became weeks and months, I was advised to multiple doctors and finally it was decided that I will be medically boarded out.

It took me a while to first accept the fact that this would be the end of my dream. The world I had been building up to in my life. And it took me down a rabbit hole of despair and solitude.

As I was fighting these feelings, I was gifted the book “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson. It is an interesting parable and talks about how life throws a spanner in the works sometimes and how to recover and keep moving.

That book helped me get a new perspective. It made me look at the brighter side of life, where I could go out and get another shot at doing something else rather than being stuck in a frustrating situation with a physical category in the army.

Slowly, I came out of that despair and hopeless situation that I had found myself in and started looking at things with a brighter perspective again.

Time moved on and I got other opportunities to prove myself, gain new experiences, and grow. I of course made more mistakes and lost some keys to some rooms, but I am in a decent place in life.

As I recalled these details this weekend, I was reminded of how most of us are so stuck in the worlds we are building for ourselves, in our own small way, that we often are blindsided by these curveballs.

Believe you me, they are somewhere on their way. Only if we could keep our eyes and minds open to these possibilities of mishaps. But even then, we could completely be caught off guard.

I guess the only way we can keep up and prepare for such scenarios is by knowing deep within that nothing is permanent and tides change.

As long as we can get up and get moving after that shock, we will be fine. And all will be ok!