“Cousins”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

The Creator’s Pride

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I often get asked two things. Why do you write and how do you find time to do it…

The answer is always the same – because I find joy in it and finding time for something which gives one joy isn’t a problem ever.

But there’s a hidden reason also there. I write because I want to continue creating what I do. In the hope that I create something better some day.

Some even wonder who I write for – my target reader. Honestly, I don’t have one. For I find it beyond my intelligence to predict who will like what.

There have been times when I have created something which I thought was pretty darn impressive and not many people read it. And there have been instances when what I thought was average stuff has got more readership.

What I do want to acknowledge though is that I write because of a creator’s pride. Pride in creating something that is experienced by others in their own ways. Pride in being able to do what I do for my own sake.

Today, as I sat through a couple of exceptionally produced shows in Disney’s Animal Kingdom and then experienced the magic that the park had to offer, I was blown away by the creativity of those artists. It was a humbling experience.

While it was a day extremely well spent, what I also realised was that those artists or performers or whom I call creators, created what they have with pride. And it showed.

We often come across experiences that we like when we watch / read / hear / experience something. We wonder at those creators and marvel at their imagination.

What we miss is that they must have done it with a lot of apprehension. With an unknown amount of expectation about how it will be received. Not because they are necessarily seeking validation or praise but because they genuinely don’t know the outcome.

And still they choose to create. For the sake of their pride. For the fun they have in doing it. For the satisfaction they derive from it.

It is definitely a learning for us to then continue creating. Whatever we do. Because the crux of realising the beauty about creation is in the process of continuing with it…

Cravings

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2009, Singapore. A bunch of us, together in the MBA program, were discussing about good options for having Indian food.

Someone in the group suggested we try out a restaurant called ‘Annapurna’. It literally means the goddess of food in Hindu culture. The place offered a buffet and trusting the reviews we got from a couple of other friends, we headed downtown.

It turned out to be just the place we were looking for. Craving for good Indian food, we had found a gem. Needless to say, over the next few months we visited the restaurant quite a few times. Every time we craved for Indian food and even when we didn’t.

2018, Bangalore. I had been in the city for a few years and had been used to the piping hot idlis, crisp dosas and filter coffee that the many darshinis (fast food restaurants) had to offer.

Then, someone suggested ‘Taaza Thindi’ in Jayanagar. I had never been there. But again based on online reviews decided to try it. And it turned out to be a revelation. Ever since, we went there at least once a month to satisfy our cravings.

Craving for an ice cream today, I remembered these instances and they instantly bought a smile to my face…

I am sure all of us have similar stories. Where we found something that appealed to our senses and the craving for that experience led us to the same place multiple times.

What’s interesting to note though is that it is very difficult for something to appeal to us in a fashion that it draws us time and again. Out of the many places we have been to, only a few really earn a recall or even compel us to visit again.

I may be speaking from a short-sighted stance but it is almost always a place or thing which has character (age-old traditional one, new-age but very differentiated), or has a unique offering done right that we can’t find anywhere else. Because only when we associate with that character or uniqueness is when we crave for more of that experience.

I may be talking about food here but the same can apply for other things as well.

Interesting, because when we build something, we never think about this aspect deeply. In most cases, we try and conform to the trends – to what others are doing, or what they want, or what we see elsewhere.

What if instead, we started with a focus on differentiating ourselves in terms of what we stand for and how we do things. And then continue to do it day in and day out. Until we gain mastery over it and it becomes second nature. Enough to compel others to be drawn to our work – be it cooking, writing, or what we do in our day jobs!

“Fear”

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We always want to succeed. But we often fail. Why does that happen? And what does it consciously or sub-consciously teach us?

These questions swirled in my mind as I was watching my daughter yesterday evening.

She was fearlessly trying gymnastic routines that she has been learning. Without the fear of falling or getting hurt. As I saw that, I recalled my own younger self playing with cousins, jumping on the ground from low heights, fearlessly oblivious to any potential hurt.

The kind of things that we did as kids! Without giving it a second thought. Without worrying about the consequences of a move gone wrong.

Most importantly, without fear of what would happen!

We used to say, let’s try. And if we failed, we just got up, dusted ourselves off, and probably had a go at it again. Until either we mastered the swashbuckling move we were trying, or were warned off by someone elder to us.

We wouldn’t stop and analyze what went wrong for a long time. We wouldn’t think about quitting because we didn’t succeed the first time. We wouldn’t give up so easily just because we didn’t know enough.

But now, as a grown up, we do that often.

We balk at the unknown all the time. We make calculated moves because we think it’s not worth risking things. We limit ourselves because we don’t want to stand out, we want to blend in.

And yet, we are none the wiser. We are far more conservative in our approaches, often short-sighted, and at times frustrated about our limitations.

Well, life happened and we faced enough failures through our journey that we started fearing a lot of things. We started obsessing about what shouldn’t go wrong. And what we shouldn’t do.

What if we keep that experience aside and instead adopt the approach we took in our childhood?

Go at things unhindered, without the fear of failure. Without the fear of “what if”. Without the fear of embarrassment. And without stopping when we meet obstacles or when our plans don’t go as we wanted them to.

Without wanting to succeed at all costs.

I believe we will do ourselves a world of good. And to those around us. By challenging ourselves and others, we will unearth more within us.

For what is life, if we don’t try enough…

Hitting Pause

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was December 2012. I had been working non-stop to grow my business for the last two years.

That meant always being switched on. Constantly on the move. Travel, untimely meals, late night meetings, the works.

Result – I got swamped out by a bacterial infection that meant I couldn’t eat normal food for a couple of months. Only semi-solids. Sounds yuck!

But that was the cost of me not listening to my body. Me not realizing that I had to pause and take a breather. Me not realizing that there’s more to success than just constant work.

The reason I bring up this incident, is because during a routine work timing conversation with a cousin yesterday, I realized that a lot of us make this mistake time and again.

Why don’t we take enough breaks? Why do we continue to chug along, resulting in a burnout?

This could be a topic worthy of a doctorate. I am sure some research would already have proven this fair and square.

I mean, we all read about this everywhere. How to attain work-life balance has never been a more hotly contested topic than after the pandemic. Yet, here we are in 2023 and the number of people going to the hospital as a result of burn-outs is only growing.

Then, as I thought more I started looking at my own behavior and patterns. Could there be something discernible there?

As I looked deeper, I realized that I had myself made this mistake many a times. In 2007, 2012, 2016, 2019, and as recently as in 2022.

Interestingly, each time I convinced myself that it wasn’t something wrong. I was just trying to do my best and didn’t realize when things got out of hand.

But I was wrong each time. I did hear some signals from my body or my mind. I did go through an instance or two of thinking about slowing down. Of hitting pause and taking a break. But I continued because if not for me, who else would be able to do it.

That’s the crux of why we all get carried away with this self-inflicted harm. We think we are the most important person in the larger scheme of things. That we are indispensable. That we cannot stop lest we play the spoilsport.

And lead ourselves into that downward pit from where the only way up is to pause and turn back to get back on ground.

If only we could have taken a break and then picked up things with much more vigor that could last us a while longer…

Is the answer then to not stretch oneself? No. I wouldn’t want to do it or expect it of others around me. But I would definitely want to be conscious of my own limits and identify where I shouldn’t stretch. Where does my limit stretch to.

Hopefully with practice, I will be able to identify and draw that boundary for myself and continue to expand it. And yet, keep an eye on it, so that I don’t unhinge myself from the center while trying to create a bigger circle every time or in running more laps!

Being a Father.

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

Picture this conversation between my 7.5 year old and her dad who’s 40 (well going to be 41 soon!).

Daughter: “Papa, I want to ask you, is it hard being a father”?

Me: (thinking where this is coming from!) Ahh? Hmm..

Daughter: (believes I didn’t understand) “What I am asking is, is it hard for you being a father”?

Me: (still not knowing how to answer this) “What do you mean”?

Daughter: “Just tell if it is hard for you to be a father along with the other things that you do”.

Me: (trying to given an answer but I still don’t have a good one) “It isn’t hard but sure is difficult”.

Daughter: (with a feeling of I had guessed so) “Hmm..”

Well, I am still reeling from this unspecified scrutiny of my capabilities after 3 days…

What’s the answer? I still don’t know!

What I do know however, is this:

Being a father is a responsibility. Of doing right and guiding right. Of carrying the burden of knowing you aren’t right always. And yet pretending that you are.

Being a father is a life lesson. In how to nurture and shape someone. In how to take pride in your life’s force visible in another being and yet be mindful that the being must not be exactly like you.

Being a father is a chance. To prove to oneself how to become better at things. To prove to others how you can be a better version of yourself.

Being a father is an opportunity. To see how a child evolves to become an adult. And to be a child again at times.

Being a father is a reminder. Of how you are catching up in years. And of how you must devote more time to things that matter.

Being a father is a balancing act. In knowing when to be strict and when to be lenient. In knowing how to deal with issues at home and outside and responding in a fair manner, without your biases kicking in.

Above all, being a father is a blessing. It has allowed me to explore those hidden aspects of myself that I didn’t knew existed. And in observing how my daughter has grown up over the last few years into someone who is caring, mindful, honest, and curious.

Given a chance, would I want to replay the entire of these last few years? Yes, for there are many things I would change. And no, for the memories I have right now are also precious and I wouldn’t want to part with them.

Now that’s a hard question…

Context and Culture

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is fascinating how we view culture. Through our eyes and based on our past experiences. But do we miss the context sometimes?

I recently had an interesting experience that forced me to think in this direction…

This happened when we went to buy new phones for ourselves. It was a pending item on our list, and we took out sometime this week to check new iPhones at a nearby Apple store.

We have bought iPhones from an Apple store in India. So we were expecting a similar experience here in the US.

In India, I recall my interactions about 4 months back, when I took my sister-in-law to get her a new iPhone. The sales guy gave as much attention he could not only to explain the product to us but made sure he stayed with us till the time the transaction was closed. This, even when there were other customers in the store, checking out the phones or other products. Maybe, he had a knack of figuring out which customer would ultimately purchase, as I observed him quickly floating in and out of the conversation with us, and helping close the sale. But I was impressed that he could devote so much time to a single customer.

In the US, while we got attention from the sales rep at the store, she had others to attend to as well. Then, as we were taking our own time to decide, she got engaged with another customer. When we were ready to complete our purchase, she was indisposed and had to put us in a queue with a wait time of 30 minutes. We respected the process but as we wanted to trade in our devices only after duly transferring everything, we decided to instead order the phones online.

Eventually, Apple got our money for one of their products. However, I couldn’t help but wonder at the seemingly easy-going approach of the sales rep. I was almost going to classify her as being too high-handed but then realized that people here respect that they may not have someone’s attention all the time and are ready to wait their turn. That’s the culture they are accustomed to.

Now, I am no one to judge which system is better and am definitely not inclining toward any particular culture. All kinds of systems and cultures can work, provided they match the context and expectation of the constituents. But it is interesting to understand why these differences exist.

Imagine someone in India adopting the US approach to sales! He wouldn’t just risk losing the customer but will also most definitely get negative remarks on his scorecard. So, he will go all out to secure the business he sees on hand.

And specially if he is dealing with luxury products, like an iPhone, he will be expected to devote as much time to the customer as she needs. It will otherwise be considered rude and unbecoming of him. Plus he always will have this at the back of his mind that the customer can go and get another phone (or even the same phone) from a different shop next door. There’s just hyper competitiveness, fueling the need to be on top of the game at all times.

In the US, I presume the customer is walking in to the store knowing that they will need time to make a purchase. And they don’t have as many stores to purchase their phones from, for sure. So, the amount of competitiveness is lesser. More importantly, Apple being the dominant brand in the US, the brand recall is higher. It has hundreds of people walking in all day into their stores and the sales system works for most people and allows them to sell efficiently.

Difference in context, which leads to different cultures!

If a US citizen visits India and heads to a mobile shop, she will most likely feel that this sales person is behind her to buy the product, when in fact he would only be acting like he would with most customers. She will be coming from her experience and expectations and the sales person will be coming from his. Just like me, who was expecting a different experience but ended up with another.

The revelation? It is very easy to label cultures, to call out things that are not as per expectations, to make fun of those ‘other’ people. It is however in most cases not the entire picture. We need to look deeper into the context of the other person/party to understand where they are coming from and to respect their culture.

That is if we are trying to be genuine…

A Special Day…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Dusk had set in, with the sun ready to go down behind the horizon. And yet, as she pulled up into the parking lot, the lady of the house felt as if she had lived through an entire day.

With a couple of young kids, all the workplace stuff, as well as household chores to take care of, she had her hands full on the best of the days. Ever since they had moved to this new place, it had become even more hectic for her.

Parking the car, she knew that the kids would have been back from their after-school classes, waiting for her to reach home. Her husband would be busy as usual with his official calls, wrapping up work. There was still the evening dinner to take care of and then some more things before the day ended.

Before she entered the house, she sat in her car in the parking lot. It was as much to take a breather as to prepare herself for the remaining few hours in that long day.

After a few still minutes, she gathered her belongings, locked the car, and walked up to her apartment. There were a few people walking around on their evening stroll who she nodded to greet along the way.

Outside the door, she stopped for a while. There was no noise from inside the house and the lights were switched off. Could it be that her husband had taken the kids out for some play time or for running an errand? Would give her a few more minutes of solitude for sure, she thought.

Then, as she got in and switched on the light, a surprise awaited her. Her husband jumped out from behind her and embraced her. Her children, hiding away in one of the bedrooms, came running toward her shouting “Momma”, and joined their dad and mom. And then, all of them started to sing the birthday song!

The lady couldn’t understand. It wasn’t her birthday for sure. Nor it was anyone else’s at home…

When the song came to an end, she realized that it was actually the day they had moved into their new home a year ago. They were all wishing each other for completing a year in their new home.

More surprises awaited her. She was escorted to the dinner table, which was laid out with her favorite Thai food. Her husband served food while the children got out a cake. They made her feel like a queen, taking care of everything.

After the dinner was done with, they all sat down in the living room. The children got out a collage of various pictures they had taken during the time they were setting up the house. It was a good reminder of all the effort that had gone in to set it up.

She was overwhelmed and thanked them all for the evening. They just smiled and thanked her for doing all she had to turn that house into a home. And then revealed that they had been planning this for a while without giving her any hint.

That night, she slept with a smile on her face. Content with the recognition received. And happy about the achievement of having converted the house to a home.

Authentic Self

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Most times, we aspire to reach new heights and break new grounds. Sometimes however, we go about them in a manner that makes it hard for us to achieve them.

Today, while hiking with my daughter and having a conversation, this fact suddenly wound me up.

As we started walking again after a short stop, my mind first went back in time to 2012. I had started my own business and was setting it up. This meant that I had to take care of everything. While a few of those things came naturally to me, I struggled initially with selling.

You see, I had never done any kind of sales until that time. I viewed myself as an introvert and therefore when initially I failed, I thought it was due to my nature. But then, under pressure to move things, I took it upon myself to change approaches, try new product pitches, new methods to close the sale, and so on. Without much luck.

Then, after a couple of frustrating months, it hit me. I was failing not because I didn’t try enough but because I was trying too hard. And it showed in my effort, which didn’t appear natural or aligned with who I was as a person.

With this realisation, I changed my approach. Instead of adopting new techniques suggested by others, I went through the entire sales process and shaped my own unique approach. I started being more natural in front of my clients. And slowly, that started getting me desired results.

My thoughts then cut to 2016 as we kept moving through the trail. After closing down my business, I had moved on and taken up a job. As a consultant, it was a new industry for me.

I initially tried to adopt approaches that had worked with other people in the firm. While that worked in some cases, it didn’t give me desired results at all times. Looking back at my experiences, I soon realised that I should do what naturally comes to me.

So, I tweaked my approach and started to bring my own natural, whole self in front of my clients and stakeholders. As I did that, I started seeing better results and outcomes. And that helped me succeed in my role.

Eventually, as we reached the last leg of the hike, my mind forced me to reflect on the present and a conversation I was having with my coach this week.

We were discussing about my goals and talking about what I need to do to get there. As we went into more details and she helped me peel the layers, it gave me some direction about where I should be heading.

I had been thinking about that discussion for a couple of days, trying to draw out the next steps and a plan. Today, as these two experiences flashed in front of me, I realised that I must build on a plan but keep it natural.

For, what is more important is to always project my natural self and be authentic. At work. Or in life. Only then can I expect to stand out. And be successful.

Lesson learnt again…

You vs You

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I had woken up in the middle of the night, sweating profusely. Lying down in my bed in my room within the confines of the Indian Military Academy, I had just had a bad dream.

It wasn’t as much a dream as a replay of my worst fear. I had flunked a physical test that day, in the first attempt in my second and final term at the academy. Back in those days (don’t know if this still holds), we were given three attempts to pass the physical tests. No prizes for guessing that if we didn’t, we couldn’t pass out and become an officer.

My dream was about this failure. That I had flunked the third and final test too and was going to get relegated to another term!

Well you see, I didn’t get into the academy with a lot of strength. In fact, most of us didn’t. Hence, the training was designed in such a way that we build that strength gradually. And the tests were also designed in such a way that we needed to build that strength, right from our head to our toe, to pass them.

Having cleared the first term, we already knew what was in store for us in the second term. But some of us, including myself, had taken it lightly. Until the first attempt. And then suddenly a sense of urgency was kicked into high gear.

My nemesis was the toe touch. Basically an exercise to test one’s core muscles, it involved hanging on a pull-up bar and then curling your legs at the knees, bringing them to your chest, and then rolling over backwards, such that your toes touch the bar.

It was a difficult one for most of us. Only some chaps, having built enough core strength, had sailed through in the first attempt. While that was some solace, it still meant that there was tremendous work needed to get in shape for the second attempt. A month away.

I was at the lowest level in that exercise then. That meant I could bring my knees folded to my chest, but didn’t have enough core strength to then roll over. Not even an inch.

So, a few of us who were at the same level, formed a squad and got to training. That meant constantly working on our core strength, doing a truck-load of sit-ups and planks, eating in a calibrated fashion, and challenging ourselves on the pull-up bar everyday.

Cutting to the chase, in that one month, we all put ourselves on a regime that extracted a lot from us. Going all in, we didn’t leave even a single bit to chance, steeling our minds to the task. Most of us sailed through in the second attempt. Those who still needed more work, got through in the third one.

But that also taught me one important thing in life.

Most times, it is just you vs. you!!!

We come across multiple challenges in our life. Some of our own choosing, some that just crop up and then some which are thrust upon us. Whatever it may be, most times we must singularly work to overcome it. We may get help from others but unless we have resolved in our mind to ace the challenge, we won’t.

When a new one crops up, we may look at it with skepticism. Will we be able to do it? Will this mean we going beyond our known limits? As long as it is healthy skepticism, it is good. It keeps us in check and grounds us. What we need to be watchful about is that it doesn’t turn into a constant worry and acts as a roadblock.

I believe that’s the key to taking things head on. And succeeding. Knowing what we are up against, and what we need to do to make it count, is half the battle won. The other half is just executing on the plan.

After all, what is life without a new challenge and a plan to overcome it…