Unconditional Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was a cold evening. The boy was shivering. But he continued to sit on the park bench. It was like time stood still for him.

When he had sat down there, with his drooping shoulders and watery eyes, the park was full of people. All sorts of them.

Some walking on the track, some expressing their love to each other, some enjoying time with their friends and family. But he could bet there was no one there in the park that day who had a similar experience as him.

That afternoon, he had set out to meet his biological father and mother for the first time. He had only known about the truth for the last one year. When his parents, who had adopted him right after his birth, had revealed it.

It was straight out of a story book. Given up at the hospital after birth, he was left in the neonatal ward and was adopted by a couple who had had a stillborn.

They had raised him as their own and he loved them the most in this world. But since he had been told of his adoption, he wanted to meet the couple who had given birth to him.

After a year of contemplation, he had written to them. Introducing himself as a young researcher, interning with a college professor, who wanted to interview them. He wasn’t sure how they would react if he just told them about the relation he had to them.

So, he had setup a meeting at a coffee shop near the park to meet them that evening at 4. They had mentioned to him that they will be in that shop meeting some other friends.

As he reached early that day, he realised that the couple was sitting with a group of friends. There was a lot of banter going on. And he didn’t want to disturb them, so he took another table nearby and ordered a cappuccino for himself to kill time.

The clock hour moved but the group didn’t dissipate. The couple were oblivious to time. It was as if they didn’t remember about meeting him. He got up when it was fifteen minutes past their meeting time, but as he got nearer to the table, he overheard their conversation.

The couple were making fun of him, imitating how he had spoken to them on the telephone. The man mentioned that he had no intention to meet any young fella, he was sure it would be a waste of time and he was anyways not turning up. The lady added to it, announcing young people as a wasted generation, and how she was happy they didn’t have any children.

The couple then looked at each other approvingly, as if agreeing for the n’th time that they had successfully hidden their truth.

The boy could take it no more. He turned around and with moist eyes, ran to the park and sat down.

All sorts of thoughts were going on in his head. He despised the couple and couldn’t believe they were his biological parents. He despised himself going after a lost cause, when he knew clearly that the couple had given him up at birth.

Then, as the evening wound up, most people started dissipating from the park. It was closing time.

He didn’t know how he could go back to his home now. What would he tell his parents. How would he face them. Without any clear answers, he kept fidgeting in his seat.

Until, he saw a couple with a special child walking past. They had all reason to be upset as their child was not in the best elements. No one wishes for a special child. And yet, they cared for him deeply and somehow managed to get him to calm down and move out.

It then hit him. Biological or genetic bonds meant nothing. The ones who raised him were his parents. They were the ones who had done everything for him. And he didn’t need to answer anything to them.

At peace within, he walked out and to his home. To his parents. For their love was unconditional and their bond eternal.

Calibration

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Tennis has been a much favored game of mine. I always watched it with a certain likeness that is reserved for only those one or two sports in your life.

I remember it was love at first sight. My father used to follow tennis closely, specially the grand slams. As I grew up to understand sports, I began sitting in with him to watch some of those games and picked up a strong affinity for the game.

Unfortunately, that love only remained on screen. Growing up in small towns in India, I never got an opportunity to play the game, always ending up with cricket, football, or badminton. I even played hockey for a while.

And then as life happens, things moved on and while I got to bigger cities with better facilities, the thought of picking up tennis never crossed my mind.

Until, looking for something more fun, I ended up on a tennis court last year. In all honesty, I had actually gone to check if my daughter could join a coaching class in the neighborhood. But as I stood in the court, my mind challenged me to take up the game myself.

I enrolled for it then, along with my wife and of course our daughter. We played on the weekends initially and then over some of the weekdays also. Over a six month period, my love for the game increased as I started appreciating what goes into a player’s mind.

However, with the move from India to the US, I had to discontinue playing for a while as other things took priority. Luckily for us though, we found a place with a tennis court across the lane!

I played again this week for a while. As I took it easy, I wouldn’t say that I am back in full flow. But it felt good. Good to be back on the court, swinging the racket, judging the ball, giving it my all.

Well, there is a lot of re-calibration that I will need to do to get back to the level where I had reached playing every week in Bangalore. But that day, as we finished the evening practice and headed home, something echoed in my mind.

I realized that I was back at the same level as I was after I had played for a couple of months. Within that time, I had picked up the swinging, I had started judging the ball, I had the chops to run cross court. But I still needed to practice more from the baseline. I needed to get a better feel of running in to hit a short volley. And I definitely needed to practice my service more.

It’s the same in life also I figured!

At times we start doing something and keep getting better at it. And then we stop for some reason. After a while, all those calibrations we made within ourselves, with our technique, with our approach, get reset. And we have to re-calibrate.

Most of us give up when the first round of calibrations are happening. Just like those who start a new year resolution and then give up within the first month. Thinking, it is too much to do.

Some of us give up when we stop in between and other things take priority. Just like when we start exercising regularly or eating better and then due to bad health or irregular timings, we give that up. It’s too difficult to restart and re-calibrate, and we go back to our earlier self.

Very few of us tend to maintain what we started. And continue on that path. Even if there are breaks and we have to re-calibrate. Because, what is more fun is to continue the journey than worry about the destination. And then, as we continue on our path, what we do becomes second nature to us. Ask those habitual early risers or daily joggers.

Hopefully, I can continue to enjoy this re-calibration and get back to playing tennis at least at the same level I was at in Bangalore, before I pick it up even further. Let’s see how I serve this one…

What’s with the Age?

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

We have progressively started living longer lives. But what does it mean to age?

The past week, there were two instances which forced me to think in this direction.

The first one was when my daughter asked a great question, something kids are privileged with. It went something like “why do you need to work on a laptop”?

The second one emerged from a casual conversation with a colleague about how the world has changed for us over the last 25 odd years. And that means most things we do today are done in a different way than when we were born.

As I thought about it, I started looking at my life and how it’s progressed and then to make things more interesting, looked at it from my parents lives.

Imagine someone born in the 50’s in India. Didn’t have radio as a widely used medium, mostly consuming information through newspapers. As she grows up, most interaction is limited to immediate family or neighbourhood.

Then, once she reaches college, she starts to listen to radio and watching more cinema in the theatres. She gets an occasional new thing in her life like a watch or maybe takes a trip to different places to learn.

Years later, well in her 20’s she discovers television, refrigerators, and some bit of computers if she is lucky. But the usage is limited to occasional.

It’s only in her late 30’s that she learns about the Internet. She gets to know how to operate a microwave oven and a washing machine. And a car really becomes a regular vehicle of choice.

With the turn of the century, in her 40’s, life changes as the mobile phone becomes ubiquitous. Internet becomes comprehensible and working on computers becomes the main thing for most office goers. International vacations become widely affordable.

But it’s not until probably in her 50’s that this lady discovers a smartphone. Facebook and video calls. YouTube and WhatsApp. Connected cars and live streaming enter the lexicon in her 60’s.

This lady who is inching towards her 70’s now, has come a long way. And she has had to adapt every step of the way to new things that she couldn’t even imagine as a child. Learning and unlearning, adjusting and accommodating.

For us born in the 80’s or 90’s, most things today seem like a natural progression. But if we think through this lady’s perspective, we realise most of these are way too much to handle.

Yet, our parents handle them on a daily basis. Enjoying the process of getting to know new stuff. Sometimes befuddled, sometimes bemused, but mostly a sport.

And that’s the essence of aging beautifully in today’s material world. Adapting, learning, letting go of things but still holding on to the older self, exploring new things with a keen mindset, and being ready for new experiences.

Perhaps with a new set of questions that we need to ask our kids and grandkids as we make sense of the changes about to come…

When Input != Output

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There are times when we seek inputs. Or provide them to others. On myriad things.

Do we consider whether those inputs are really helpful? To get the right output? Or are they ineffective?

A couple of weeks before, me and wifey were discussing about how we need to provide better inputs to each other. Not just call each other out when something is wrong but also appreciate when something’s going right.

And then over these two weeks, I came across a couple of more situations where I realised the ‘input’ was a problem…

Well, at work and in our personal life, we often view things from our perspective and then help others understand what we are saying and why.

These perspectives, in our viewpoint, help the other person in whatever they are seeking our help on. Most times it is innocuous and good-hearted advise on what to do or not to do.

But we tend to go astray every now and then…

For sometimes, we provide unsolicited inputs. While they make us feel good, they don’t help either the person on the other side, or us. It only shows our eagerness to jump in without a need and isn’t appreciated.

Or other times, we provide solicited inputs even when we aren’t completely aware of the topic or aren’t confident enough. But we go with the flow, not wanting to miss a chance. Doing this, we only risk our reputation and authority in things we actually know.

And then there are times when we provide inputs just because we think we can. Because either the person on the other end is a junior or a child, or because everyone else has something to say. This, while going largely unnoticed, reduces the effectiveness of our future inputs to that same person.

Oh one more. We tend to provide more inputs and advise when we see something wrong or not good enough. We do that from a point of concern or to help out but if done quite often, can also come out as belittling.

What if instead we take our word to be precious and only speak when we are really being asked and when we know we have enough understanding of the subject at hand?

I have seen a few people do that consistently. And I always believe they are better off. By being choosy, they are being genuine. And also come off as someone you can depend on. You respect them.

Time then to reconsider where I stand to give my inputs and whether to give them or not. At work, at home. In all things that I do.

After all, why shouldn’t I try and retain my authenticity, regain my mental balance, and remove any false sense of superior knowledge from my being…

Needs and Wants…

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Needs and Wants were two simple kids. Always ready to mingle and be a part of any group. They were always excited, full of questions in their minds, and ready to go places.

They were the best of friends, virtually inseparable. However, as both started growing up, their personalities started differing.

Needs retained his simpleton nature, happy in the small things of life. His mantra was live with what you have and enjoy life. Instead of worrying about other things that people have, share and work together. And make them feel satisfied about the small wins.

Wants became ambitious. He was always focused on how to excel. How to superimpose his questions on others and create islands of doubts and desires. And how to be persistent in going after something and get it anyhow.

Soon, due to these differing natures, they started drifting apart. They were still friends with each other but the glue holding the bond had become weak.

People around them still thought of them as kids but in their minds they had grown up. Naturally, they started influencing the kids around them considerably.

Needs and his core group of new friends found pleasure in small things. They were always a satisfied lot, only concerned about the bare essentials. With an attitude of focusing on what’s absolutely required, they transformed into a simple teenager.

Wants and his core group on the other side were focused on more. All the time. Their ambition led them into many things, a lot of them positively good but also a few things that weren’t desirable.

As time passed, Needs and his group realised that they also had to have some ambition. After all, what fun was life if they couldn’t aim for a few things also.

Almost simultaneously, Wants and his group also realised that they ought to enjoy some simple pleasures and not always be riding on the jet of tomorrow.

With this realisation, both decided to merge their groups. Needs and his friends wanting new experiences and ambition in life getting that. Wants and his friends needing simple things being able to enjoy those.

As the groups started to mingle with each other, it created some nice surprises. Like when a Wants group boy became too close to a Needs group girl and they loved and lived happily ever after. Or when two girls from either group found they had a lot in common and complemented each other, only to discover they were distant cousins.

But this amalgamation also meant a few disappointments. Like the time when a Wants boy discovered that he badly wanted to be a Needs boy and in the process confused himself for life. Or when a Needs boy remained cocooned in his shell instead of responding to the advances of a Wants girl, foregoing what would have been a great pair.

Time passed, this group of teenagers grew up. Some of them who formed new bonds between themselves and discovered a balance, had great fun. Those who went to the extremes, suffered through their young age.

In general, those who were clear in their head had a good life and those who were confused, remained unsatisfied all their life.

Years later, much after this group had yielded to nature, as their story kept being told, it became a fable. About how we need to balance between needs and wants to be successful.

A few decades passed and it transformed into a belief. And a century later, it became intertwined with how people viewed life. Full of possibilities, rooted in reality.

But as centuries passed, the message of maintaining a balance got lost and twisted. What had started as a beautiful intertwining of the present and the future got all mixed up.

And as the modern world took shape, it’s inherent confusion seeped into the basic understanding, with people often mistaking a need for a want and vice-versa.

And losing their sleep and life over something which ought to have been balanced…

Old and New

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It’s a new beginning. 2023 is here. We are venturing into a new year.

This is what most of us would have found our social feeds and news sources to be full of. Year-end best of lists, resolutions for the new year, looking back at what happened and looking forward to what comes ahead.

Strangely, for me though this turn of the new year has been muted. As I thought more about this for the last couple of days, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Is it because there’s not enough excitement or things to look forward to? Maybe this is how life looks like once you cross 40! But not really, there are enough and more of those things in my life that I am excited about.

Perhaps it has to do with this relocation business? It has taken the air out of my self inflated baloon back in India? Nah, I debated with myself about this angle but it’s not true.

Oh yeah, maybe I have a lot of unkept and unmet resolutions and that’s why I am running shy of taking new ones? I don’t think so and as I recounted the ones I took upon over the last 2-3 years, I seem to have done well generally on those aspects.

Then as I was mindlessly finishing some chores, the answer hit me!

The real reason is that I see a lot of things that I have begun but need to double down on in this new year. So it just doesn’t feel like a new beginning. There are unfinished projects, things to improve upon in my head and heart, and things that I have been letting go off but still not done with completely.

As I realised this, it occurred to me that I ought to break them down into achievable milestones rather than only looking at the end goal. So here goes my list –

1. Smile and be more happy, forget worrying about small things and start to live in the moment. As much as possible.

2. Exercise daily, even if it is just walking a couple of rounds. Breathe fresh air, unblock my mind, stay healthy.

3. Write at least every alternate day. While this blog continues to be weekly, produce a few more short stories, start the book I have been promising myself to write.

4. Read daily, and meaningful material, pick up an understanding of more things than I have in any other year.

5. At work focus on creating impact, rather than doing too many things. Let go off some things that I don’t need to be a part of.

As I enter 2023 and continue on these old pursuits in this new year, I hope I am able to get to some of these milestones by the end of it. Until then, will continue to plough on…

Rhythms of Life

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We have so many things going on these days that it’s very easy to get lost in the woods. Unless we have a rhythm…

I look at it as the rhythm of life from three different perspectives.

First is the rhythm of self. How do I maintain my health and take care of myself. How do I find time to do things that interest me. How do I generally separate the wheat from the chaff.

Second is the rhythm of relations. How do I live, love, laugh, and forge memories together with my family. How do I keep in touch with those who aren’t nearby. How do I show care and respect for those I have in my life.

Third is the rhythm of work. How do I maintain discipline in what I do. How do I do justice to all the things I am working on. How do I move toward my goals.

This week, while having a conversation with my wife, we went into this direction. We were discussing about how our days have gone by in the recent weeks and how we need to get back to our rhythms soon.

As we had that chat, I realised that sometimes life throws us out of gear. Either in a planned way which happens rarely. Or in an unplanned way when something untoward happens.

But what’s interesting is that while most of us strive for a rhythm, we sometimes let things slip by. It happens almost unconsciously, as we get accustomed to a new rhythm or the lack of it.

It has happened to me multiple times. Without realising, the rhythm that I signed up for and was practising, vanishes and gets replaced by what I ought not to do.

The only way to see through such a scenario then is self realisation. As I have discovered, that’s easier said than done. Most times, we realise the drift quite late. But once we do, the only way then is to quickly identify how to get back to the older rhythm or set a new one.

Perhaps a new one is better for those of us who have drifted in our rhythms, with a new year beckoning!

Turning Point

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a bad morning. Worse than what the teenaged boy could imagine.

He had just woken up and realised that he was out of luck finally. His examination scores had come and what was being foretold silently in his head had come true. He had flunked.

Feeling utterly disappointed, he lugged himself down to the living room and sat down with moist eyes. His parents were sitting at the dining table, sipping their morning tea.

He couldn’t bear to face them. After all, he himself had told them not to worry about his results. He had been a bright student all his life and while this year (and the past) hadn’t done justice to that tag, things would take care of themselves was his belief. He was in high school now, definitely grown up.

As he looked at the opposite wall, he felt a hand on his shoulder. And then one more on the other shoulder. He could feel his parents standing there behind him, trying to understand the reason for his sad mood.

Realising that he was about to cry, he bit his lip and shut his mouth and eyes firmly. The hands moved from his shoulders to either of his hands. His parents had come and sat beside him now.

Finally, he opened his eyes. He could not meet theirs, so looked down. Finally, after a few minutes, he mustered enough courage and spelt out the reason for his sadness to his parents.

He was expecting a lecture from them but instead they hugged him and told him not to worry. He may have had a bad year but there was a lot to look forward to in life. And it was important for him to regroup himself.

He felt better. There was someone looking after him and would take care of things!

He also realised that he had been unnecessarily harsh and rude to the two people in his life who mattered the most and would do anything to see him happy. This made him feel guilty but also happy that he was able to realise his mistake sooner.

As he went back into the room after spending some time with his parents that day, he felt lighter. As if the entire life’s weight he was trying to carry on his young shoulders had got support from others.

That day something changed in his mental makeup. Instead of fighting everything, he started looking at things more objectively. He started valuing relationships and what it meant. And he started owning up in the true sense rather than just aspiring for it.

It was the turning point in his life. He had started growing up!

Service matters…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We often miss the forest for the trees. Those trees may be wonderful in the short term but the forest is the real deal in the long term!

This week a personal experience got me thinking about this trait of ours and how by not following it we may be better off…

As it happened, to ease my commute to different parts of the Bay Area in the initial days, I went for a car rental. It was the best choice for me and also seemed apt considering I would be able to test drive cars of choice and decide on which one to buy.

The first week, I booked a car through Expedia and as I went in to pick it up, the executive at the counter turned out to be very friendly. Al (his short name) patiently explained me various options and made sure he gave me enough time to let my transaction through.

As I left the counter, he gave me his no. and asked me to call him in case of any issues. I had a good experience and got a good car thanks to his word to the delivery team.

After the week passed, I decided to get another car to try out a different model. However, owing to last minute bookings, I couldn’t get it from the same company and had to opt for a pricier option with another company.

While I had the guy’s contact details, I didn’t want to just call him out of the blue. But I went in after returning my car to the counter to see him. He recognised me and waved.

I was quite surprised that he could remember me. He must be dealing with so many people on a daily basis, sitting as he is at the airport counter.

Happy to see him, I went ahead and generally chatted with him. I was sure there was no other option for me at that company, having checked the availability online.

However he again surprised me. He asked me if I had a car already and when I replied in the negative, asked me if I still wanted another rental. I told him I had tried but couldn’t find any suitable option.

He requested me to stay put and called up a couple of people internally to arrange for a new car at the same price that I was paying earlier. He also helped me get the other booking cancelled and again put up with me all that while to complete the transaction. As we wound up, he told me he will put in a word to extend the rental at the same terms, if I choose to.

As I left his counter for the second time in seven days with a smile, I couldn’t help but wonder why we don’t have more such people across the board.

He could have chosen to ignore me or could have told me that there’s no car available or charged me higher. But he chose to give his time and put in efforts beyond what he was asked to do. That’s something we don’t come across often!

These are people who choose to delight, go overboard every time, treat others with a great sense of responsibility, and make the place a good one to do business with! They and their likes don’t just help put a smile on a customer’s face but gain them for life. And whether we believe it or not, form the backbone of any operation.

Only if all of us could be like them and do everything with a great sense of ownership and a friendly approach, the world would be so much more than a better place!

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!