Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!

Ties

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We come across different ties in our life.

Ones which are worn around the neck, also called the neck tie. When I was a young kid and started going to school, that is what a tie meant to me. It was a discipline to be followed every day.

Or the tie that we come across sometimes in a game. As I started growing up and played or watched sports, whenever two individuals or teams ended up at the same score, I used to marvel at the coincidence.

Or the tie that we have with our loved ones. What keeps us together as a family, with our friends, attached to those who care for us. The one which was invisible to me till I became an adult and understood life.

The tie that we wear equates to prestige. It provides for self-esteem, pride related to wearing a group colour, is considered to be an important accessory. But it’s very relative, may lead to happiness for some while could be a restriction for another.

The tie that we witness equates to excitement. It provides for fun, anxious moments, and a sense of longing for the victory that could have been ours. But it’s mostly fleeting, gets forgotten after a few days or weeks.

But the ties which we form, nurture and sustain are special and equate to belongingness. Their importance becomes more clearer as we grow old. And it always remains, like a constant source of energy powering us.

We humans, however very easily get confused and mix up the pecking order of these ties. Prestige takes precedence over excitement over belongingness. When that happens, it messes up our lives big time!

This week, I was engaged in a family function, held to launch a book that my grandfather had written 43 years ago. As we prepared and then executed on the entire program successfully, I ended up realising this very fact.

The tie associated with prestige (the accessory) was only an accompaniment and a reminder of self pride and inner happiness and importance for us. Thankfully, most people in our family treated it only as such.

The tie associated with excitement was a reminder of how somethings are meant to be. As we recounted the journey of the book, we discussed amongst us how the tiebreak situation of the last few chapters being completed after my grandfather’s death was a tricky and a long winding road, but totally worth the effort.

But the ties among people took center stage and have left us enriched forever. As the entire family came together to celebrate this important milestone and support each other, the ties that we have formed between us were visible in full flow and further got reinforced.

Thankfully, we as a family kept our heads on our shoulders and didn’t mess with the pecking order of the ties. Even one of them being off-balance could have led to a very different outcome!

Faith

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Children have special questions. Some which we can answer, some which we aren’t able to.

This past week, my daughter had a lot more free time than usual, and one day caught hold of me to ask a few of those difficult questions.

She began her questioning on the lines of how did the universe come into being. That diversified into how did humans evolve, ending with one on God and why we follow whom we follow.

Now, some of these were easily answerable for me from a scientific perspective. But as we got onto the theological plane, I had to think harder until I couldn’t any more!

We somehow got distracted and that conversation didn’t reach its logical conclusion…

We were at my in-laws place, Deoghar, in northern India. It’s known for being one of the twelve Jyotirlingas, special temples of lord Shiva. There are also a few other important historical sites nearby. So, two agenda items for the weekend were a visit to a nearby tourist spot and of course to the temple. Unknowingly, those trips proved insightful!

The spot we visited, Mandar hill, has a special role in the Hindu mythology. It’s believed by the locals that this mountain was used for the “Samudra Manthan”, or the churning of the oceans, that took place between Devas (Gods) and Asuras (Devils).

On the way back, I read out the story from Wikipedia to her, describing how the entire mythological tale panned out. As I read it (and would recommend for a lot of us who only know the term and not the story), I realised that it was heavily loaded in favour of the winning side. Seemed just like most other world history.

Then, in spite of I being weary of going to temples with large crowds, this time, I decided to take the risky bet. With some encouragement, I visited the Baidyanath temple, the Jyotirlinga.

It’s always been overcrowded and very congested and hence not to my liking. But since I had not been there for the last 10 years, I thought it will be good to seek some blessings. As it turned out, it was also a great exercise in observation.

From the time I set foot in the temple premises, I could feel two distinct vibes. One of the devotees who would do anything to get close to the lord they believe in. And the other of the priests who wanted to take advantage of that faith in whichever form and fashion. Don’t want to comment on the social fabric here, so I will cut out that bit.

Nevertheless, it was an eventful morning for me. As I walked out after offering our prayers, I realised that we have always been intricately intertwined with the beliefs and faith we follow.

The stories we are told and believe in, more than anything else, must have been spawned by the need to increase faith amongst people. That was perhaps the force that kept those medieval people together.

In modern times, it is the places of worship and the religious traditions we follow that probably help us stay together and chart a common course through our lifetimes.

Immense pride, love, respect, and the social compass keep us rooted into these traditions. And the belief and faith that these traditions invoke, help us stay together as a society and a community through generations. After all, what is religion if not a mechanism to align people to a common, shared perspective!

Ah, there is the answer to my daughter’s question…

Communities

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was April 2017. Me and my wife were out in the summer searching for a new place to stay.

We had been in Bangalore for a long time by then, having lived mostly in the Koramangala area. But with the rapid commercialisation of the place, we took a call to move. With our daughter just a year old, the space we had was restrictive and not entirely safe for her to play.

As we searched for something that could be our home for the next few years, we came across Raindrops. For the uninitiated, this is the name of an apartment in Bangalore near to where most startups and software companies operate from.

We fell in love at first sight! The initial unwillingness of even venturing this far from Koramangala turned into immediate acceptance as we entered the apartments. And without a doubt, we signed up for renting a place.

Our love for the place blossomed as we stayed along. Not just because it was where we spent most of our time (thanks to Covid) but more importantly because of the community.

For who we are if not a social animal, living with others and forming communities. Communities that are a reflection of who we are and what we think or do.

Most communities are formed around an ideology or common interests. A few centred around people or based on where we stay. But only a few of those communities engage and bind us. The Raindrops community was one such experience for us.

As we got to know our fellow residents and made acquaintance with them, we realised that the community we were a part of was special. Helpful, cultured, compassionate, and above all responsible. Celebrating each other’s successes, helping others in their times of difficulties, working together as a team when needed.

Whether it was contributing to common causes, celebrating festivals, playing as a team in multiple sports, or helping each other during tough times, I always saw the community stepping up, with a surreal suspicion of how is it even possible. It was only a few heated exchanges thrown into the mix that made us human in this peaceful Co-existence…

This was where our daughter made her first few friends and where we went through life’s ups and downs. Over five and a half years.

This week, as we said our goodbyes to some of the fellow residents, the realisation of leaving this community finally sunk in. Of leaving behind a place and a bunch of people who we got to know well and with whom we shared a lot of amazing memories and life stories.

While our daughter is still sad from leaving behind her friends and the fact that she won’t be able to play with them anymore, and we soak in the changes in the new environment that beckons us, we hope to find a place that’s equally engaging and binding. A tall order indeed!

Moving Places

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We started off as nomads. Adventurous people, living for the moment.

Then, somewhere along the way, we settled down. And became comfortable. With the knowns.

Somewhere, within the economic rhythm of different times, we got the notion that if we settle down and keep working our way through, we will eventually get where we want to.

But what we missed noting is that as our comfort converted into inertia, we got too naive. About other places. About other people. About other cultures. And most importantly about how that newness enriches us.

True, the world has become more globalised. We are travelling far more. People are moving places more than they ever did before.

But are we using that as an opportunity to create that wealth of experience for ourselves? Are we among those people who are ready to have some adventure in life, unsettle a little, experience the wild (not literally always)!

This week, as I started to figure out how to wind up things before a planned relocation, I came across this realization.

Most of us, including myself, in seeking steadiness, have become staid in our lives. We eschew the unknowns, confine to the tried and tested, and smirk at discomfort of any kind.

Even if we face some displacement, there are lot of anxieties that crop up within us. We tend to overanalyse impending changes a lot and weigh too much on pros and cons, to the detriment of our own sanity at times.

It doesn’t need to be so though.

If we just look at life as that adventure that’s waiting to give us a ride, and take ourselves slightly lightly, we will realise that any change is for the good. It always helps uncover things that we didn’t know about ourselves.

And while transitioning through that period of change is cumbersome and not necessary, the process itself yields benefits beyond what we can perceive at the beginning.

Easier said than done, however. Speaking about it from self experience…

Perhaps, the only way out is to believe and roll with it!

‘The Human Touch’

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We are all human. Well, most of the time!

We want to socialize while seeking solace, we can’t live without others being around while also fighting with them, we love and hate others in equal measures for the same thing. We thrive in these dichotomies.

It’s a trait we remind ourselves about quite often. Mostly in reference to others, like, while mentioning how others ought to behave as humans while we can behave like we want to…

However, over the past couple of decades, the human element around us has been getting depleted. With some help from the internet, we are fast becoming averse to being around others, talking to them, taking help from them, and more than anything else trusting them.

We have instead started becoming more comfortable with being remote, chatting / texting, being on our own than amidst others. While, this has some benefits and brings a lot of efficiency in our daily lives, it also has some down sides.

This week, on more than one occasion, I observed instances which made me realize this side of the boundary-less world we have built for ourselves.

In the first instance, for an outstation visit, I preferred booking a cab through an online portal rather than calling up a known person in the city. I actually went through the process of identifying the cab owner’s contact no. who had provided good service earlier but stopped short of calling him. I instead chose anonymity of the new cab owner that the online platform would bestow on me because I wasn’t sure if the earlier person would again offer me a good rate / service when I wanted convenience and predictability.

As it happened, when I landed in the other city, the person who picked me up was from the same cab company. He mentioned to me how they had served me during my last visit also and requested me to call them directly for any future requirements. He in fact mentioned that I could have just called them directly this time around and they would have given me a better offer,

I hesitatingly accepted his offer, realizing that if I had just trusted them enough, I would have got a better deal for myself!

The second instance occurred while having lunch with a friend today. As is our ritualy, we caught up and chatted about myriad things for a couple of hours. The place where we were sitting was full of people with a singer belting out contemporary hits with all her vigor. We both wondered about why the restaurant had kept the speakers at such a high volume, where practically we had to shout to be heard.

But then, as I got up toward the end and was walking out, I realized that on most tables, people were sitting together but glued to their mobile phones, than engaged in a conversation. So, the music wasn’t a botheration at all. It in fact, was helping ease the uncomfortable setting that some of them were finding themselves in! So much for a lunch…

Perhaps the fault lies with us. Each one of us. By making technology an integral part of our lives, we have slowly become not only reliant on it but also caught up in its traps. Like the master turning into a slave.

Maybe, time to think about the role both of us play, unless this dichotomy caused by the blurring of the online and offline worlds around us costs us in the future…

Perceptions

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

We think. We perceive. And we form opinions. But are all of those valid?

This week, a couple of conversations, one with my daughter and another with a colleague, led me to this question.

Often times, we think and form perceptions about people / things based on our limited world view.

Like when I was in the Army, during our initial training days, most of us formed a perception about others. At a young age, without too much exposure, we perceived others through a limited prism of what we saw in front of our eyes. Without considering that people aren’t always how we see them. As time progressed, we saw them for who they were. Lesson learnt!

At other times, we perceive others based on our experiences and what we have learnt over the years.

Like when I joined my first job after my MBA, I utilised my experience over the last 10 years or so through work, college, etc. to form an opinion about others. I used my mental models to make sense of how things would turn out or how would people behave. As it turned out, I was right sometimes, but often wrong…

As we continue to build our lives, our ability to perceive improves. Grey hair of course comes with its own benefits! That helps us become more balanced in our approach.

Similar to how I dealt with people post my business failure, when I restarted my corporate innings. Because I had by then developed a better sense of the world, I could see beyond the obvious and perceive the other person or things for what they really were. Well, many a times.

However, there are times when our perceptions can still be wrong or premature. It often happens when we think only from one angle and negate others. Resulting in a loss of balance.

Like when we try and impose our world view on others. Or think our opinion is better than others. Or when a few occurrences make us believe it as a norm.

It’s only when we reflect on our perceptions, do we realise that this is an art that can never be perfected. Only improved upon. And the reason why we need to continue checking on if our perceptions are coming from a balanced view or are they swinging on either side…

For while the norm these days is either side, the middle is where everything rests!

Livin’ on the Edge!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This post is in fond remembrance of the roller coaster. Not that amusement parks have gone anywhere but it’s been ages since I visited one, so apt for me to pay my respects.

And not just because I want to go to such a place. Of course, who wouldn’t want to forget all worries and be childlike for those brief moments when you experience bliss (unless you’re freaking out about the possibility of a loose screw somewhere!).

It’s also because thanks to a few planned and unplanned trips, this past month made me remember the good old roller coaster again!

You see, when you travel on roads in India, that’s the feeling you live with all the time. Who said we don’t know how to have a good time. We do it every day of our lives.

As has often been written and mentioned, driving on Indian roads is an art. It’s one that all of us learn pretty much as we grow up and only hone as we get older.

It’s like an enthralling, never ending ride. You keep swerving and swooshing all around. Sometimes out of choice. Sometimes out of compulsion to avoid hitting someone. And sometimes just so that you remain alert while driving!

So, as it happened during my trips, I was mindlessly observing how most people drive. Sitting on the other side of the driver gave me all the time in the world to indulge in this guilty pleasure. And then I observed some more as I drove around town recently.

Well, most of us Indians drive crazily. Period. We don’t know what is a straight line, what is a lane, what are signals for, what is meant by road signs, why there needs to be space between two vehicles, why we need to drive on one side of the road if it doesn’t have a divider in between to separate up and down traffic. The list is endless.

But this is still ok. Our best behaviour is around a signal. When we all are supposed to come to standstill. It’s almost as revealing as attempting a psychometric test. Let me try to explain.

As soon as we near a signal, if it’s a green light, we want to cross over come what may. Even if that means running over someone. Or jumping the signal just as it’s changing colours. We pride ourselves on the ability to beat the timing. After all it’s all about living on the edge…

Even better is when the signal turns red. The vehicles come to a screeching halt. And then everyone starts swerving here and there. As if standing at one place is a crime. The bikes navigate every possible angle to squeeze into any open spaces. It’s like water taking the shape of the maze and filling up all the vacant areas. We don’t leave even an inch. Because of course why waste space! And don’t you forget, the marginal gain is much higher than the few seconds we would lose being two steps behind.

As the signal turns green and we start again, we start to play hide and seek. Swerving and changing lanes at will without any indications, driving as close to each other as possible with absolutely no margin for errors (we are born Schumachers!), honking mindlessly, swearing unconsciously. Mimicking a hungry snake trying to make its way through the ground, wanting to catch its prey at any cost.

Until we reach our destination, we keep up this behaviour. Because no one likes changes, you see. And then as we park and get out, we mention to ourselves “Indian traffic is getting worse by the day”…

For us, it was a hectic but satisfying ride. After all, we beat 3 autos and 5 cars to our destination. To an uninitiated onlooker, it might have been the best example of living on the edge. And how not to drive…

Short-term View

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There are people who do the right thing, no matter what. And then there are those who try to do something to take advantage of the situation or get through by any means, even if it means dishonesty.

I often try and behave in the former fashion and naturally like people who also try and do the right thing. I somehow am never able to agree with or like those who try to take undue advantage or are dishonest.

Last week, as we were on a trip, I experienced an incident of the latter type that left a bad taste in my mouth. It was a minor one involving the taxi driver of the cab we hired for our trip. As we ended the trip and had to pay the remaining charges, the driver came up with some false claims and insisted on getting paid for it. While it was a small amount and didn’t affect me much in any which way but what it did end up doing was negating any respect I had for that individual.

As we carried on with our trip, that evening when I sat down with the cool breeze of the lake shore, I reflected on his behavior and what may have caused it. You see, he had behaved immaculately till then but as soon as it was time to depart, he acted with a certain amount of dishonesty and greed. So, it was unexpected for me.

But as I thought deeper, it occurred to me that we often try and take a very short-term view of things. Whether it is something about work or in dealing with others or at home, we often get caught in this quagmire when faced with a choice. Do we think about it from a long-term perspective and are ready to forego certain advantage or benefit in lieu of the relationship or service standard. Or do we think about it from a short-term perspective and try and extract the maximum at that specific moment.

Most service industries or places around us believe in the short-term benefit policy. Why yield when we can get more? Not realizing that in the process the customer leaves with a unsatisfied experience and probably never comes back. On the other hand, those who truly put the customer first provide for a superior experience and have customers for life.

Extending this a little, even in our relationships when we prioritize short-term we gain little in the long run and actually end up fracturing them. But when we focus on the long-term and ensure priorities align accordingly, we continue holding those relationships for life.

In fact, even with any kind of work or activity we undertake. If we keep our focus on the long-term, we get deeper and more involved, benefiting ourselves and enriching our experience. On the contrary, anything attempted with a short-term focus generally is a very superficial one.

Basically, long-term pays more than short-term. We still choose short-term sometimes, neglecting this universal truth. Perhaps because of circumstances, perhaps because of helplessness, or perhaps out of habit.

Whatever it may be, better to think once before deciding on anything with a short-term focus. For while we may gain immediately, we don’t know what all we actually end up losing in the process…

Strong and Weak

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Strength is always considered a virtue and weakness a thing to be avoided. But what if we have been thinking all wrong?

1

When I was undergoing training at the Indian Military Academy, we went through the toughest of routines in our initial days. It was a routine that’s usually the case for most armies but not normal for civilians.

So, naturally it took us time to adjust our bearings or even consider it as possible. A lot of us cribbed about it in those initial days. Most of us got used to it in a month or so but a few who couldn’t left.

We thought of ourselves as stronger than them and much more worthy! Naively…

2

All of us tennis fans had a tear in our eye when we watched Federer for the last time and the way it all happened.

However, someone completely clueless about tennis, who saw just a picture of Federer crying in a post match interview after losing (not his last one but some of the earlier ones), may think of him as a sore loser.

Not knowing that here stands a once in a lifetime champion, who’s crying not because he lost but because of the love and support he had received from the crowd and how he felt about it. He was just letting his emotions show.

How wrong would that assumption be about the strength that Federer, or for that matter any other champion, carries within him…

3

Travelling in the Nilgiris mountain ranges yesterday, I was telling my daughter about how people live in these places. How they build their dwellings and carry on with their usual life

I also told her about the big mighty mountains – how they appear so strong and capable of supporting so much. And yet, with so much pressure on them to support the tourism economy, they are also fragile.

My daughter couldn’t grasp initially that the mountains could be weak but as we discussed more and I related it to the environment, she could begin to understand how they could get affected.

An aspect most of us adults know but ignore – that while the environments around us are strong today, if not cared for, could turn weak and wither away!

—

These seemingly unconnected threads ran through my mind over the last couple of days, as I let it wander into free space. But as I looked back, I realised that all of them had one connection.

An assumption about strength and weakness that reflects our usual worldview but isn’t correct. It leads us to behaviours or thoughts which are not the best aligned with the situation or with the people involved.

And yet, knowingly sometimes, we commit this same mistake again and again in different contexts…