Retired…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

When I was 30, I thought I should do something so good that I should be able to retire at 40! Then, life happened…

I dived into my own business, tried my best to scale it and then when it didn’t work, finally decided to close it down.

It’s been ten years since then, and almost fifteen since I had that first feeling of retiring at 40. I am beyond 40 now.

And I feel, it is better I didn’t succeed in my mission then!

I will come back to this and explain in a bit. But first, a slight detour.

This week, one of my army batchmates took voluntary retirement. After serving the minimum mandatory twenty years. He had a good run and decided to move on to do something new and more interesting for him.

I and a couple of other batchmates posted in Bangalore got together to celebrate his retirement. During the party, we talked about life after retirement. My biggest observation – all of us are planning to do something post retiring.

As I came back home post the party, I was thinking of my father, uncles, and a few other elders I know. Most of them took to doing something even after they retired.

I remember, when I had naively asked one of my uncles about why he continued to work still, he told me it’s better to continue doing than sitting.

I didn’t understand it then but I do now. Because retirement is hard.

It is difficult to just sit around and not do much. It is also not the best use of time when most of us have about twenty or so years post retiring to fill our lives with.

Coming back to my statement about being happy failing at my mission to retire at 40, I think it taught me innumerable lessons. But most importantly it allowed me to view life as a large continuum, a marathon, and not a sprint.

I realized there’s more to life than just earning enough money and putting your feet up.

Well, I still want to earn enough money. But not to put my feet up. Rather, to do things I would have the freedom to try. And not having to worry about failures or getting into a tight situation.

I don’t know if it makes sense to you. To me, it does…

Relieved.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Fatima was sitting down, holding the side of the bed. The same bed where her beloved husband of over forty years, Zafar was lying still, never to get up again.

She kept sitting in that position for a good hour or so. Re-living all the memories of their past.

Theirs was an arranged marriage. But they had fallen in love with each other soon after meeting for the first time, and then multiple times over those forty odd years. It was a match made in heaven!

Over the years, as they fulfilled their familial responsibilities, they had built a beautiful home for themselves. They had a daughter, married and happily settled close by in the same city. Their son-in-law was a gentleman, ensuring that he prioritized their well being in all cases.

They had grown old together and especially after Zafar’s retirement from the bank, had established a daily routine to spend more time together. Morning walks, long sittings over crossword puzzles and old film music, evening tea with friends from the neighbourhood, and their love for movies kept them busy. Their daughter and son-in-law would come over on the weekends and sometimes they would all go out for a meal. Life was going on in a fulfilling fashion.

Then, soon after his sixty-fifth birthday, Zafar started complaining of some headaches. He was a health conscious man, so without taking any risks, he consulted the doctors. And as unfortunate it could be for the family, he was diagnosed with an extremely rare condition which was causing tension in his brain’s blood vessels.

It wasn’t a very good sign and the doctors told him that he could either get operated or otherwise had little time left. The chances of success were low and they were non-commital about the after effects of the surgery.

Zafar had seen his father pass away after a prolonged cancer and knew that his case could end up with he being bed-ridden for the rest of his life. While the doctors were suggesting surgery, he also knew that post-surgery recovery would be prolonged and may not even happen. He didn’t want to be left in a vegetative state towards the end of his life.

He consulted another doctor in a different hospital and the findings were the same. The doctor confirmed that there was a low chance of success. He did tell him that in case the surgery doesn’t succeed, he could be much worse-off.

That evening, Zafar had sat Fatima down and explained to her the second opinion. She already knew about the health condition, so had started preparing herself mentally for anything. When Zafar told her that he had decided to let things play out naturally and not go for an uncertain surgery, she wasn’t surprised. After all, he had taken many unemotional but necessary calls during his lifetime and was doing the same at this juncture.

Their daughter and son-in-law did try to persuade Zafar otherwise but he saw no good reason to put the entire family through an ordeal no one understood, including the doctors. Convinced that he could not be moved, the family decided to make his remaining time as good as it could be.

The routines thus resumed. No one around him was told of his condition, so that they behaved normally with him. Only the family knew, and they kept it at the back of their mind, but without showing off their emotions, continued to live normally.

It was hard for Fatima. Knowing that she could soon be staring at life without him. She ensured that from that day onwards, she wouldn’t leave him for long. And over the next couple of years, she spent as much time as she could, soaking in all that she could with Zafar.

He had not shown much but she knew how painful those last few months had been. And how he had continued to live his life normally, ignoring it.

That day, as she got up after her afternoon siesta, she saw Zafar wasn’t moving. He lay still. She sat down beside him and checked. He was gone.

All those years of togetherness were over. He would be around no more. She would just have his memories to carry along.

She was crying. But it wasn’t just because she had lost him. It was also because he had been relieved! He had embraced death and death had come slowly, allowing her to hoard as many memories as she could have…

Pain Tolerance

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How much pain can we tolerate? Literally. In both our mind and our body.

Having suffered a serious injury that led to leaving the armed forces, and having gone through other health issues, this is not just a figurative question. It is a personal one.

Every time something happens to me, my pain tolerance behaviour kicks in. At times I take things in stride and go on without worrying. But at times, it makes me avoid anything that could cause more discomfort.

It is interesting because my mind behaves randomly on the same topic. Strange too.

This Friday, as I took a flight back home and landed with not just a jet lag but a muscle spasm around my shoulder, my mind started to work. It told me to take things easy. So, I have been. Applying ointments and eating painkillers while avoiding any strenuous activity.

What if I had something urgent to attend to at home? I am sure, my mind would have told me to forget about all the pain and instead focus on the urgent matter. I may have still needed the ointments and painkillers but those would have been taken to continue.

Reflecting on this behaviour, I was wondering why is it so? Is it normal? Is it something only I go through? Or am I being unnecessarily paranoid over something not worth its while?

My reflections led me to my earlier experiences when I had either taken heed of my mind and succumbed to the inactivity or when I had pushed the discomfort aside to focus on other important things.

What I realised is that it is all dependent on the motive. Do I have something on my hands which I am so engaged in that nothing else matters? Am I so charged up that a niggle doesn’t bother me?

If I don’t have a strong reason, my mind tends to take things easy; almost as if it is telling me not to bother because there’s nothing more important than myself. Well, that isn’t completely untrue! But it also cannot be true every time because then I wouldn’t be able to grow.

Perhaps the balance is in allowing the mind to let the body slack a bit when needed. After all, the mind and the body know better than us. Interspersed with elongated periods of acute focus and activity when nothing else matters. Something that has worked for me in the recent past.

Again, not generally applicable, but maybe it is a good practice to check on where we are in life when such a signal comes. What do we do in those moments could very well define how much fuel power we have to persevere and continue running.

Because while life is short, it is long enough to play in the balance…

All in a Day’s Celebrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrate days. We celebrate people on those days. We celebrate what those people achieved on those days.

But what we don’t celebrate enough is those same people and what they have achieved on other days of the year.

This week, as we celebrated the International Women’s Day and I checked my social media streams and general messaging getting flooded with messages, experiences, and comments, I was reminded of this stark reality.

I get it that there is a certain amount of respect that gets paid to women on the marked day. Or to mothers or fathers. Or to whoever we are celebrating.

But I find it disturbing when I hear about or observe the same set of people not keeping that feeling all through the year.

It’s as if we decide to take a short detour on our behaviour and mask our feelings for that day. And then, as soon as that short-lived, marketing-driven euphoria is behind us, we go back to our old ways. Of treating them as a second class citizen. Or of ignoring them.

Almost like we were obligated to do this once a year!

What if instead, we started believing what we are saying and doing a bit more? What if we genuinely chose to treat them as equals and not second guess them? What if we let them be in the drivers seat for any amount of time without worrying about where they are taking us?

I think it takes guts to accept we aren’t there yet as a society. We still have work to do.

We still need to believe more and trust more. And act in good faith. And not recede to where we were before.

Hopefully, sometime soon. Because, in my view, that’s the only way for us to truly rise up and get to a better, safer world.

Until that time, for those who don’t want to change or think it is beneath them, the annual celebration is a good reminder of where they came from on this earth in the first place!

Play Time

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Juhi was sitting with a sad face on the park bench. Alone.

Her friends had just gone back home but she still had to wait for a while. Her mom was outside for a quick grocery run and her dad was in the gym adjacent to the park.

At first, when her friends were leaving, she thought she could play for some more time. But then she realized playing alone in the park didn’t interest her.

So, she just sat down at a bench. Watching a couple of younger kids play near the slides.

The sadness wasn’t because her friends had gone back. It was because she thought she had more play time on hand.

Her dad saw her there sitting all alone and signalled for her to come over.

Juhi always wanted to use the gym equipment but being all of 10 years, her dad had asked her not to do so. He had explained to her that it’s not safe for little children to use these complex equipment and she had understood.

So, when today he motioned for her to come in, she was a bit surprised. However, not liking the feeling of sitting alone, she got up and walked over to the gym.

When she went nearby her dad, she felt a strong urge to hug him. Usually that meant a big thank you! Today, it meant she needed him to listen to her.

Her dad sat her down and when she spoke, he instantly understood that the reduced play time had played spoilsport with her mood.

He had almost finished his workout, so indulging her, he proposed that they play a few rounds of table tennis together. Juhi’s eyes lit up.

She had not played the game much. However, the prospect of getting some more play time with her dad was quite enticing.

That evening was one of the best ones Juhi had for a while. They only played for about 20 minutes but those moments made her enjoy and laugh much more than usual.

As they wound up and headed back home, Juhi hugged her dad again for a big thank you. He had made her evening fun.

That little extra play time was all she had needed…

Frustrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

They are difficult. They take a lot out of you.

They are also very engaging. And can keep you occupied, thinking about related stuff and going down a rabbit hole.

They are however, also a source of motivation. To do things differently. And try something new.

This past week, I went through all these stages…

As I felt the weight of frustration tugging at my heart and mind, it felt like I got stopped in the tracks.

The frustration had been building for a while. I had seen signs of it in between but I kept going, disregarding those signs. Or rather telling myself that it will get resolved on its own.

What I didn’t realize was that the underlying reasons for the frustration weren’t going away. And with time, they only became more pronounced.

When the feeling hit me, it took me a while to digest the situation I was in. It was as if I was stuck in a maze while trying to find my way out.

This wasn’t the first time I was going through such an experience. But even then, each time is different. And the initial thoughts are always muddled.

As if on cue, my mind took it upon itself to remind me of all the past signs that I had seen but ignored. I kept going back in time and thinking about all related things.

It was only after a couple of days of being in that zone, did I get to unraveling the sources of the frustration. That too after realizing that there was no point in wallowing in the past and it was better to figure out how to move ahead.

However, I first had to fight with my mind to stop going into the past and instead help me weigh my options and path forward. It wasn’t easy but somehow, having done this before, I was able to get my mind to agree.

Then came a long process to map out possibilities and what would work best for me. And then sharing it all with my wife to help me understand if my thoughts are in the right direction.

This entire week went past in dealing with this episode. But I was glad I could come out on the other side with some positive thoughts and a plan of action. And that it didn’t take longer than this.

Hopefully I can now get to execute these plans!

Selfless Dedication

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was special. We got together to celebrate my maternal uncle and aunt’s fiftieth wedding anniversary!

The occasion itself was momentous. Not everyone gets to enjoy marital bliss for so long.

What made it more memorable was the time I spent with my cousins together. We were catching up with each other after a while.

As we tried to make the most of these two days, every hour spent having fun felt great. I thought it couldn’t have gotten better. But then something very special happened…

During the celebrations, when their grandchildren asked my uncle and aunt some questions, my uncle described my aunt’s unfailing dedication and contribution to home building. And how that was an important aspect of how their relationship strengthened.

How she, being a housewife, took it upon herself to raise the kids, took care of everyone in the extended family, and handled all the changes with aplomb, being at his side always.

It was so refreshing to hear those words. Not just because his love and care for her shone through those words, but also because it reflected the important contributions our mothers made to our lives.

I thought about how my mother, again a housewife, always put our interests first before hers. How she took extra efforts and care to ensure everything in my extended family always went on smoothly. How she continues to do so even now.

Selflessly dedicated. To us. To the family.

And yet, we don’t consider homemaking as a critical part of our lives as much today. Or don’t give it the importance it is due.

Yes, women now work more often than not. And that means many more responsibilities than before. Life’s more busy in general and that means many more things to take care of. But somehow, they cobble it together well.

It’s an amazing quality that women and moms have. I see the same attitude and spark in my wife. And many of the other women in the family I know or have observed closely. More superpowers to them!

Later that evening, as my mom and aunt danced gracefully to celebrate the occasion in their own style, we were all cheering from the sidelines.

For the performance of their lifetime…

The Slow Lane

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No one wants to be caught up in a slow lane. All of us want to move as swiftly as possible. Mostly.

Until, we can’t. Or maybe, in some cases, until we don’t want to.

This last week, I was contemplating the pace of life and how hectic it seems to have become!

We have all become slaves of pace. Constantly feeding on the frenzy. Be it news, views, reactions, joy, sorrow, or the many myriad emotions that now twitch at a faint hint.

So much so, when we do slow down due to a forced or a chosen reason, it seems excruciating. To the point that we want to get back on the treadmill as soon as we can.

Now, it’s common knowledge that if you continue to run and push yourselves harder, there will be a time when you will reach your limit. And will have to drop off at some point.

As I contemplated this fact more, I tried a couple of experiments on myself. One of the days, while practicing Yoga, I decided to try a module for sleep meditation.

I had to do nothing. Just lie down in Shavasana and meditate. I could hold myself still for only about 20 minutes. My mind and body gave up after that. And that’s when I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep!

Another one I tried was to do nothing during my commutes to office and back, and instead spend that time in thought on a particular topic. I could successfully only do it a few times, my mind wandering away to other things. Or worse, I took my phone to check something and the rabbit hole was waiting to consume me.

Then, as I was traveling to meet a friend on Friday evening, I saw a couple of young kids playing. They were fully engrossed in what they were doing, oblivious to the cacophony around them. It appeared as if their only purpose was to do that one thing. So refreshing!

Why have we become like this? Who’s pushing us to the wall and telling us to continue life at this frenetic pace? I guess it’s no one and it’s everyone.

It’s our choice!!!

When I look around, I see most folks are constantly busy. When I think about my own schedules, it’s relentless. If I look at most children, we have made a choice on their behalf to run harder.

The only group I see are taking it slow are the elderly. Senior citizens who have time on their hand to consider and do things as they wish to. When they wish to. And to cherish various moments through the day, not worry about taking off for the next critical thing. That’s such a bliss!

I do have a few friends, who lead a slow relaxed life. Either because they don’t have to earn for a living, or because of their life choices, have given up on this madness. And their life is much richer now.

Maybe, I will get enough conviction to emulate them one day. Until that day arrives, its back to the treadmill for another round then…

The hidden facade

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Varun loathed himself. Sitting in his cabin, he couldn’t wish the feeling away…

It had been a week of intense discussions. It was annual performance review time and being the head of department, he had quite a big team. As was the practice, he had to discuss his team’s performance and share their ratings individually.

When Varun had joined the corporate world, almost twenty years back, he had promised himself that he will bring his authentic self to work.

As years progressed, that was what he was known for too. Straight forward, always authentic in what he thinks and says. People liked him for that.

Then, as he hit the middle management layer, and decided to aim for the higher echelons, he suddenly realized that this value of his wasn’t much appreciated in the new circle.

They all talked about how he had to also be tactful and read the room before saying anything. How he must hold on to his feelings and not let them show on his face. And how it all mattered to the big bosses, how much in control he appeared when he did so.

Gradually, he became the person that he promised not to. Over the last couple of years, he had towed the management’s line. He had not been authentic at all times. And while, others may not have realized it, he did!

That week, as he went through his review meetings, he had realized that he was not being his authentic self more often than not.

In the eagerness to be seen as likable, he didn’t given the right feedback to a few of his team members. With a couple of others, he had been unnecessarily harsh, because he thought they wouldn’t fit in the right category in the management’s view.

That Friday, as he sat in his cabin, thinking through the week, he had nothing but loathe for himself. For how he had turned out to be this unauthentic, facetious person. He couldn’t believe this is what he had come to.

He kept staring at the wall in front of him for a long time, looking back at all these years of his work life and how his behavior had come to this.

Then, with a heavy heart, he got up and dragged himself home. That evening was a restless one for him, he couldn’t come to terms with himself.

His wife, who had known him even before he had started working, knew something was amiss. She sat him down and reasoned with him. She had already observed that he had let go of his authentic self, and had seen this coming.

She gave him courage to find the mistakes he had made in recent times and discussed openly with him on how he thought he could correct those. As those thoughts crystalized, Varun saw the fog lifting from his mind.

Monday, as soon as he got into the office, he invited those few team members he wanted to speak to. He met with them one by one, telling them that he had not been his authentic self and then sharing the real feedback he had for them.

That evening, as he walked out of the office, he came across a picture from one of his older albums his phone had surfaced. It was from the time when he had gone for his first rock climbing trip.

The picture was of him holding on to the grappling rope with fear on his face. It was of a time long gone by, but it was of that authentic Varun he had known for a long time. And who he had recalled today after a long time…

Nostalgia and Guilt

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

There are many a times we suffer from nostalgia, when we recount the days passed by. Either with friends or family or in a particular setting.

There are also things that we have done or decisions we have taken, which at some point in time come back to us and result in guilt.

This past week, as I landed in the Bay Area and spent a few days in Foster city, these two feelings hit me simultaneously.

We spent a year and a half in this place, before we moved back to India 6 months back…

When I had booked the trip, I planned to stay in the vicinity of the office and some other folks I wanted to meet. So, foster city was a natural choice.

It didn’t occur to me much until later, when a colleague asked me if I will feel nostalgic upon my return. Even then, I brushed it off, thinking it will be fine.

However, I was surprised by the intensity of the feeling. It’s been six months but as I walked around the same paths I used to pass by and went around some landmarks we used to visit or our life revolved around, it felt like those days were flashing past me.

I and my wife going for a walk. Our daughter going into the school or we picking her back. A couple of supermarkets we used to go to quite often. A couple of restaurants we frequented.

The list could go on. But you get it. There was heavy nostalgia in revisiting those recent memories. And a heavier sense of guilt!

Guilt because, it was our choice to move back. And for having pushed the family out of this setting.

I lived with questions for a couple of days…

Did I take a hasty decision? Should we have stayed here longer, perhaps we would have found more friends and a life! Why did I give in so easily and not fight it out?

Those couple of days were spent in a lot of self introspection and questioning myself.

Then, as I was reflecting on my days passed by and recounting to a friend what we have been up to ever since going back to India, it struck me.

It may have been a decision taken too soon. But it wasn’t in haste.

We would have definitely found more friends here, but we have so many in Bangalore. And a lot more family around, shorter distances away.

I could have fought on living here but I didn’t want to miss a chance of living life more fully with people I really wish to spend time with.

And so, as I flew out of the city, it became apparent to me that the nostalgia I was feeling was natural but the guilt that had been brewing inside could be put aside.

Maybe, I will still get these kind of questions both inside my head and from my wife and daughter, when we compare something between the two places.

But I hope my head will be able to handle those feelings better and not leave me confused as I was these past few days!

After all, the nostalgia means we had a good time, although it lasted a short while. Perhaps incentive to plan a family trip sometime later on.

And without any feeling of guilt left over, I could happily say that the one and a half year we spent here was some of the best times we spent as a family!