Children

Roots

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

You can take the (wo)man out of the country but not the country out of the (wo)man. The same is true for most people, Indians more so.

We have one of the largest populations. Combined with a high literacy rate, a lot of us are now spread out into the far reaches of the world. But still then, even if it’s been a few years or a generation that the person may have been out of India, you can still find some resemblances.

This whole week, I have been in London for work and meeting a lot of interesting people from different walks of life. Colleagues who have relocated, friends staying here for more than a decade, strangers working elsewhere who I came across, et al.

It probably is also a bias that I have, that I noticed similarities in the Indian cohort rather than with others. But that’s more because of my limited understanding of those cultures. Anyways, that’s a natural tendency I believe because we are all prone to this bias.

Coming back to the point, I realised that depending on where we have been brought up, how ingrained some of the nuances are in our nature. We may not be intuitively aware of those but if we ponder over it, it’s easy to notice.

So, for adults who were raised in India, the roots are still predominantly there and their beliefs, values, behaviour aligns with the home country more. They may have stayed in a new country for a large part of their adult life but will still associate more with their culture than the new one.

However, it’s not as simple for kids. Those who have been born or brought up overseas and been there most of their lives, they associate more with the new country. And while their parents may still be thoroughly Indian in their outlook, they aren’t.

Good for them if they are going to stay in the adopted country, as it is just so much more easier to acclimatise with the native folks.

It is also a function of how independently the parents let the children evolve as they grow up. Do they still enforce things that they believe in or are they open to new ideas, methods, and cultural traits that the younger one(s) want to adopt.

And this is true not just for people relocating to another country but even to other regions within large countries like India. We often get trapped into the way things are done in our home town and don’t adjust to the new culture, standing out from the crowd.

Not to say that we move away from where we began from but more to highlight the fact that we need to assimilate and evolve. After all, change is the only constant and most times is for the good.

As we all fan out in different directions, sometimes within the country and sometimes outside, and settle down, it is for us to think through and align ourselves with the new. To make our lives less stressful and more fun…

Those welled up eyes!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Handicap – for or against

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There was once a man who as a first generation businessman, built a small fortune for himself. As a self-made man, he had seen it all and knew what it took to get to the level that he had risen to.

However, for his children he wanted to leave no stone unturned. So he spent all the energy and money that was required to give them all the comforts of life. They had a good upbringing in a protective environment.

Time passed and as they progressed towards their adult life, the patriarch realised that in giving them a protected environment to mature in, he had done a big disservice to them. They had been handicapped because they didn’t know how to handle difficult situations, specially the adverse ones.

This is a story we would all have heard in some form or shape while growing up. Or as a live lecture from our parents about how it is really important for us to live within particular constraints and understand that it takes effort and patience to get anything in life.

It is this learning that helps us have a balanced approach towards life and wade through the many ups and downs that are thrown at us.

And yet, as we mature and become parents, with those constraints helping us realise the true value of things, we somehow start discounting this major learning.

We aspire to raise our kids with unbridled resources. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. Each parent wants the best for their kids and it is but natural for us to also feel and act in that way.

What’s to be balanced though is how to provide them enough freedom to experience tough situations and grow as an individual. Because that is what helps anyone rise up in life even when the chips are down.

That’s the real challenge of parenting today. Caring enough to let the kid have a sheltered environment in a nuclear family. While challenging them enough through handicaps, so that they understand life in its entirety.

And while it may seem like an easy task, I can vouch it isn’t. It’s not only difficult, it’s also taxing and sometimes tumultuous.

But we have got to do what we’ve got to do!

Bonds…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

…maketh a human being!

Right from the time we sound the bugle with our first wail to the time we utter our last word, there is always a bond we are making or breaking.

They range from our family to friends to teachers to neighbours to colleagues to acquaintances to anyone we are even remotely or virtually connected with.

And they pass through the hoops of joy and highs of success as well as through the rings of sadness and lows of failures.

Yet, what remains with us in the end is how they make us feel deep within – positive or negative, happy or sad, promising or disappointing!

Right from childhood, I have had special bonds with some people. Family members, friends, teachers, colleagues who made me feel special or wanted. At different points of time in my life, I would have given anything to spend time with them. To have fun, to learn, to play, to live life. Now, after all these years, while I may not be able to meet them often, or talk to them frequently, those memories remain. And the bonds sustain.

With others, not to disregard their presence, it was a weaker connection. The bonds snapped and we moved on to other things in life. Or due to some misunderstanding or circumstance or intention, the bond broke and we drifted apart. And yet, as long as it lasted, it ended up giving something to both of us.

While spending time with my family this week and celebrating our daughter’s sixth, I was reminded of this important aspect of our being. Of how the bonds we make or break as we go through our lives, define us as a person and move us forward.

And when I juxtaposed this thought with my daughter’s perspective, I realised that this is most true for children, as they grow out of the protective cocoon in the initial years. Their reactions, mannerisms, learnings, all get shaped up based on the bonds they form with the close circle of family, as well as with new people entering their expanded circle.

As a parent, it is fascinating to observe how they shape up around others and form these bonds. It is also a responsibility to not let our protective urge take over but to let them go through the process on their own and decide for themselves which bonds they want to foster.

That balance is perhaps how we shape up our bond as a parent with them and help them shape up their bond with life!

Unique Innocence

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Children are the bedrock of our vision. We do everything keeping them in mind!

We yearn for them when they are not around, live for them to be happy, work to provide them the best of what we can, take care of them at all times, and ensure that we bring them up to become someone who we would be proud of.

However, often, we try and impose ourselves on our children or worse still, try and force them down a path that we wish to choose for them due to whatever preconceived notions or beliefs…

Picture this –

You have a young kid who you figure out is a prodigy in the game of chess. You get him the best teacher you can, take him to multiple tournaments to hone his play and become the no. 1 kid on the chess circuit.

And then, when he comes up short against one tough opponent, you berate him. You realise that you are doing something wrong but you want the kid to win at all costs. To prove that your investment in his future is right.

But the kid doesn’t want to play now. Fearful of this one other prodigal talent, he almost decides to give up. The teacher you have hired tries to force him to learn better and prepare better. But he is not ready to engage.

When you look at this situation – what would most of us do? We would try and sit down the kid and get him back to playing again. In a lot of cases, without worrying about why he is behaving like this or what is the core issue.

Nothing wrong with this approach – that is how we adults are attuned to behave in our cut-throat competitive world…

Except for one – this will be the most insensitive thing to do and will most probably kill the kid’s appetite for learning further.

And will be the end of the dream that we fostered with his spectacular talent! More importantly, it will be a dreadful experience for the child!!!

This week, with so much floating around in the form of negative news, I decided to get some positivity and focused on reading up and watching a couple of good impressionable movies. One of them was ‘Innocent Moves’ on Netflix or titled as ‘Search for Bobby Fischer’ on IMDB (UK and US versions respectively).

It is one of those real-life child prodigy movies and for those of us who have seen ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, released on Netflix recently, it might seem familiar to some degree. Not going by the IMDB rating, I personally found the movie to be a brilliant showcase of various multitudes – parenting, child psychology, parent-children relationship, societal pressures and viewpoints, and so on.

The story I narrated above, is what happens in the movie. Till the intermission. Post that, it flips…

The father realises that he needs to let the kid be and stops talking about chess. Takes him fishing for 2 weeks. Lets him play baseball and other sports. Reasons with himself that it is more important to see his kid happy.

And then the kid picks back his interest in chess and goes back to playing with his buddies in the neighbourhood park. Enough to get the moves back and to go for competition once again, this time beating the other prodigy through the new skills he acquired.

Sorry, if I spilled the beans. But that’s how most movies related to sports play out. So it’s not much of a reveal I hope!

What I found interesting was the soft nudges in a few scenes which showed a different side of how a prodigal talent can be groomed. And all of those scenes inclined towards the humane touch and the unique innocence of children.

How a father chooses to let his kid be instead of forcing his dreams upon the child, how a friend helps him gain his confidence back, how a mother protects him from being thrown into the competitive ring, how a teacher lets go of his ego against a past opponent and understands that the child can go into a match not being his usual confident self, how the child realises that it is more important to make friends than opponents, and finally how he gives the kids he defeated some of the tips and asks them to just try and play without pressure.

There was a lot to learn for me! About what not to do…

How not to take away the innocence from our children. It is better to let them be and grow up naturally.

How not to push our children to do better always. It is ok to not be good in some cases or not up to our expectations.

How not to beat down a child in the case of a failure but to encourage him to learn and grow. Helping him understand that failure is but a stepping stone to success.

How not to force them on the path that we think is best for them early on. Doing multiple things is bound to help them realise their preference and interests and pick up what suits them more later on in life.

How not to push them to turn everything in life into a race and view others as a threat. It is sometimes better to let things float around and let them gain random experiences before they settle down in to a rhythm. And better to make friends than foes.

Lastly, how not to force them to be a competitive machine always but to remember being human in all situations!

Hope to carry these lessons forward as I continue on my journey of being a parent and let my daughter utilise her unique innocence to grow into whatever she desires to be…

Bored.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

My 5-year old has learnt a new phrase. Whenever she feels that she needs to do something exciting and is not getting enough attention, she says “I’m bored”!

As the situation has progressed and months have passed, the utterance of this phrase has only increased. At first, we thought it was something new she had learnt from her friends and was just showing off. However, we soon realised that it was frustration at not being able to do a lot of things that she could do earlier.

The more I have talked to other parents, friends, colleagues and people, I have realised this is one side of the pandemic situation that we all are facing in common. Most kids, across age groups are ending up with this feeling of being bored.

With the schools closed and online classes becoming the new way of teaching, they are not getting that time they used to spend with their buddies at school. Naturally, they are missing the fun and frolic that the school environment allowed them to have daily.

To top it up, while they see their parents the whole day and theoritically have time to spend with them, with the parents being caught up in office work and household chores through the day, that window is very small.

And while, they play with friends who live in the same community or area, it clearly isn’t satisfying their need to be constantly doing something exciting and fun. And that’s probably the reason for the increased occurrence of the “I’m bored” syndrome.

As I was talking to a friend over this weekend and we were lamenting about this common issue, I realised that this is a problem that may have some long time repurcussions.

Specially for young kids who are in their formative years, the years which form the basis for their learning. About how to build bonds and friendships. About social behavior. About dealing with different situations on their own…

But try as we might, this situation isn’t changing quickly. And therefore, as parents, it is upon us to expose our kids to whatever we can, in the spaces we are confined to.

So that, when things re-open, they don’t find it awkward to get back to the normal life, like we used to have! Hopefully, sooner rather than later…

The Festival Binge

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Festivals are a time to celebrate. To cherish. To meet and enjoy. Except that it has dwindled down from what it used to be for most of us…

When I was young, festival times in India meant round-the-year engagements. And with friends from all sects and religions, I used to have a gala time throughout.

It began with we launching into Makar Sankranti, transitioning to Mahashivaratri, plunging into Holi, moving to Navratri, Ramnavami, and Eid in the summer time, and then to Rakshabandhan followed by Janmashtmi and Ganesh pooja during the rains. Winters had their own charm with Navratri, Dusshera, Diwali and then Christmas.

However, the king of all festivities used to be the time around Dusshera and Diwali with the onset of winter season and the Christmas time with its 10-days holidays. With long holidays to go along during school times and exams still a long way away or having just finished, we kids used to enjoy this holiday period immensely.

I still remember those days fondly, when we would roam around with free abandon in the nearby localities, playing throughout the day with minimal home-work. The day used to start early, without someone having to wake us up, unlike the school days. We would meander from one playfield to another, one house to another, eating and having fun at every place, until the evening when we returned to our homes, exhausted.

As time wound down and we grew up, that group of friends started going their own ways. Once we graduated from school to college, the fun and frolic remained minus the madness. However, slowly in the transition from college to a professional life, that fun and frolic with friends also started getting limited. With new responsibilities, most of the festivals now are celebrated at home with limited get-togethers. Or given a pass altogether owing to new realities.

As I met a school friend today and we reminisced about the good old days, I realised that while there are limitations for us now and will possibly be as we grow older, there are always ways to make the festivities more interesting and fun with others.

And while we may never get to be a child again, it is important that we allow our children to enjoy the holidays and experience the same joyousness that we remember so fondly now!

Corrections!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The other day, while her class was going on, I saw my daughter sitting with a sad face. Knowing that it was the arts class and the teacher was making the students draw something, I was surprised that she wasn’t enthusiastic about her favourite activity.

As I enquired with her, reluctantly at first, she mentioned that she wasn’t happy with what she had drawn. The teacher had asked them to draw a particular scenery and she had bungled up one part of it.

I sat her down and explained to her that it was fine and she could correct it. She had not really made a big mistake and she could just erase the wrong part and do it again. It took her sometime to process that thought and although initially she mentioned that she would want to draw the entire scenery again, she finally came around to correcting the mistake.

Being a stickler for perfection in whatever she does, I was surprised. I have seen her being extremely careful about how she draws the lines, the colours she chooses, the way she uses the scissors, and so on. If anything goes wrong, she tends to restart from the beginning. Or just drops that activity.

But this time, she chose not to. She instead decided to correct her mistake and move on with the same activity sheet. I happily realised that she had gained some bit of maturity over her earlier stiff stance. And as I reflected on it later, I realised that she had learnt an important trait.

Of accepting one’s mistake and making sure to correct it and continue, rather than starting again or leaving it altogether.

While she is a child and learning the ropes of life, it’s a simple but important lesson we as adults sometimes forget. Paving the way for confusion, anxiety, stress. We overburden ourselves and try and prove to others, rather than accepting the mistake, correcting it, and moving forward. Which is a rather costly affair at times.

But then, we have our egos to feed. And our minds to prove. Even if it is at the cost of others.

As I got over this thought, I made a note to myself to next time check for my behaviour. So that, I don’t make the mistake of covering up the mistakes that led to issues. And that I accept those mistakes, resolve those issues, and try as much as possible to carry on, for as long as possible…

Free Wheeling Life.

~ Rishi ~ 4 Comments

With work from home the current norm, my daily interactions with my 5-year old daughter have been taking me through the learning curve again. And as I have been observing her and other children, whom she plays with, for the past 5 months, my appreciation for how our childhood shapes us has gone up multifold.

It wasn’t that I was unaware or dismissive of this thought. I always have been cognizant of my upbringing and what it taught me. However, I always thought about it from a parent’s perspective and how it’s them who play an important role in the child’s growth.

No doubt, that’s true. Parents, teachers, and other elders definitely have an important part in the child’s play. But what I have been amazed at is how children themselves play a role in their growth and development.

Watching my daughter in action from close quarters continuously, has been a revelation. The way she processes all the new information thrown at her, the way she connects the dots, and the way she takes it upon herself to learn and grow – it’s she who is in the driving seat. We are just the co-pilot, providing navigational support.

For instance, these days when she wants to do something and knows that we may ask her not to, she will come and ask me or my wife exactly when we are busy with our work day and knows we have to agree to her demand. That’s like “I’m giving you an offer you can’t refuse”, aka Godfather style. Quite a useful trait to analyse the situation and get your way through.

Or when she negotiates with us, almost bargaining for certain allowances. She uses all the tricks Chanakya talked about – Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed; without even knowing what it is. Battle hardened to take on the world through whatever hustle is needed.

Or the way she shows love and concern every time there is a loud sound from the kitchen or any other place in the house, asking if we are all well. Empathy and care, which most of us pay only lip service to.

All of these moments are great fun – to watch her in action, taking control of her own life and what she wants or considers important. And are a great learning – all of it done with ease, without a care about what others will think about or worry about what will the future behold.

She does get upset at times if things don’t go her way, but then that’s human nature. Otherwise, it’s a free wheeling life. Where she only lives in the present. Doesn’t get bothered about the future. Or tensed about the present. And most importantly, moves on almost instantaneously. And I am sure this is true with all children.

Perhaps that’s why Children are often seen as God, transcending the mortal thought process we grown-ups come to possess and be inhibited by.

Hopefully, we get the powers to be a child again…

It’s Really About Us Now!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Kids are really getting intelligent and aware these days! A conversation between my younger one and her cousin sister of the same age today morning really got me thinking.

To begin with, the conversation went into all directions of missing each other and not being able to meet due to the coronavirus situation. And convincing each other how it is best for them to stay indoors.

Surprisingly, both of them came out trumps – while one mentioned that we shouldn’t venture out, the other offered masks. When one blurted that policemen will catch us, the other corrected that policemen are good people and will only explain nicely to us. While one talked about online school starting, the other one talked about social distancing!

As I listened to both of them, I was fascinated to know the sheer understanding that the two small kids had of the surrounding and what ought to be done.

Contrast this with the irreverence and casual nature of some of us grown ups in handling the situation. We have been eager to break the lockdown and not follow the norms for small reasons. There have been blatant violations of the lockdown code by all and sundry, well televised and circulated.

And then we are dismayed at the unfolding situation across the country. How our infection numbers are not coming down and how the lockdowns haven’t been successful. How the economy is in tatters and how the opening up is going to further increase the number of cases. There have been arguments galore – on television, in newspapers, and in WhatsApp groups – about what strategy is better.

But all of this begets one question – who is responsible to improve the situation? Is it we or the government or someone else?

Well, I for one believe it is incumbent upon us to take all precautions and ensure no harm comes to us or leads from us. Only then can we prevent ourselves, our near and dear ones, and others. And if we don’t do that, we don’t have the right to question.

Because a General is only as good as his men. A team is only good as it’s weakest link. And a nation is only as good as it’s citizens.

So, time for all of us to put on our ‘A’ game and make ourselves and the nation proud…