Feelings

The Year That Was! (or not?)

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The boy was at the new year party. The countdown to 2024 had begun.

As he saw happy, smiling faces all round, cheering the countdown, he couldn’t help but notice his own mixed feelings about the year that had gone by. And how he felt about multiple things that happened in the course of the last twelve months.

He had begun the year on high hopes. There was not a single grain of doubt that 2023 was going to be a great year for him. His life was finally settling down with a steady job, a relationship he was happy in, and lovely friends all around.

But as life took its turns around the first few months, he saw his friends drifting away. One of them moved onto a new job and new city, another just got into a new relationship and spent lesser time with him.

His job, which he was so gung ho about, suddenly started seeming dreary. The promotion he was expecting came through but so came other challenges associated with the new position. He was doing the same thing he did the year before, with the same set of people, for the same set of clients. He started feeling he wasn’t growing and frustration started creeping in.

The only thing that remained steady during this period was his relationship. It was a source of strength for him and gave him confidence that better times will come again.

But as these images flashed back in front of his eyes, he realized that far more than ever, his life had remained steady. There was not a single mishap that had happened, in his personal life or on the work front.

He remembered how there was a health scare with his dad the previous year. And how it had disturbed everybody in the family. It could have been much worse. But nothing untoward had happened.

He recalled, how there were layoffs at his company. His division was also affected. But he had been doing well and wasn’t impacted. Instead, he ended up getting the promotion and role change.

And as he realized this, he became more grateful for how the year had gone by. For, that is how a typical good year goes by. There are some wins, some losses, some happiness, some sadness, some good and some bad outcomes. But you come out without being scathed much.

He joined the cacophony of voices that were counting down.

3… 2… 1…

As he kissed his partner and wished everyone around a happy new year, deep within he was contented and happy to step into a new year with new expectations and hopes of good things and changes…

Lovingly, yours…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Rain was coming down with a patter on the streets. It was late and the man inside the car knew it.

As his car rushed through, piercing the silence of the night, he could almost feel the closeness of being home. His body was tired and his mind was overworked after the long trip. His heart was however longing for the known touch.

In a few more minutes, he got home. As he parked and went inside the house, there was a hushed silence. Everyone had slept off, rightfully so. He didn’t want to disturb his parents, wife, or the kids at this odd hour. So, he silently got in and used the guest room to change over. This was a routine affair for him.

Coming out of the shower, his mind reminded him of the fact that he had not slept properly for the last couple of days. Again, a common feeling, which would have led him to his bedroom. His heart however, moved him in another direction today.

He slowly entered his children’s room and saw his daughter and son sleeping soundly on their respective beds. He slowly sat down beside his daughter and pecked her on her forehead. In her sleep, her face brightened up and she held his hand, not wanting to let it go. He remained like that for a while, until he was sure that she had gotten back to her fairly land dream world.

He went over to his son, tucked him in nicely and stroked him, pecking him too on his forehead. His son turned over to the side and half opened his eyes. Not realizing it was dad, he again closed them and went back to sleep.

With a smile on his face, the man came out of the children’s room. He longed for these moments with his children, when he could be with them without any worries of the world.

Then, he cautiously opened his parent’s bedroom door. They were both light sleepers, and he didn’t want them to get a hint. He saw they were comfortable and closed the door. There was always the morning to meet them.

Finally, he went over to his own bedroom. His wife was fast asleep. He lay beside her, hugged and kissed her.

He had a lovely family. If not for his work, he would have liked to just hang around them all day long. He had been planning to do that soon enough, after all he had been working hard for almost twenty five years. He had thought he will take up a less demanding role, without travel, and slow down his life.

With these thoughts he passed out…

Next morning, as he woke up there was commotion all around. The kids were off to school, the wife was busy with household chores, the parents were just returning from their morning walk. He freshened up and came out. Just in time to wave a bye to his kids going out through the door.

As he sat down with his parents and his wife joined them too for the morning tea, he was back in familiar territory. This was home, his folks. A few minutes of chit-chat covered a couple of anecdotes from his trip, recent happenings in the house, and an upcoming social gathering at their cousin’s place.

The tea had finished. It was time to go and get ready. Everyone sitting there expected it.

But today was different. He didn’t get up. Instead he continued sitting there, chatting about other things. It was as if time didn’t count for him somehow. As if it was that rare holiday or the weekend when he had decided not to work.

His wife had a surprised look at her face. So did his parents. He looked at them and understood.

Leaning forward on his chair, he announced that he had decided he could skip the rest of the week at the office, taking time off completely, to be with them. Yes, there were some internal meetings. But they could happen the next week also.

He had envisioned this some times, while on a flight. But had always casted it away as a wishful dream. But now that he actually put words to the thought, he felt liberated. From the load of always taking his work more seriously than anything else.

His folks were elated. The conversation turned to the day’s plans, what they could do over the weekend, and how he could surprise his kids after their school…

He had always loved them all. But today, they had felt, perhaps after a long time, that he was lovingly theirs…

In the Zone

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s only some times that we get into “the zone”. I mean a mind space where we are doing things right – in terms of effort and in most cases, output. And feeling good about what we are doing!

During our lives, we go through multiple ups and downs. And phases of high or low effort or output. But very few times we are in the zone.

The thing is, we are never pushed into these zones, we rather do it due to an intrinsic motivation. And that’s what makes it worth its while.

These last few weeks, I have been in that zone. Work wise as well as fitness wise. And it’s a good feeling.

I can distinctly recall those few times when I was in the zone. When I put in that extra effort because of an internal calling. And whenever I have a reference point of how I felt about my contribution on the work front or the effort I put in on myself, I always go back to those few times.

So, it has been a pleasant surprise to me that I have been able to maintain this streak!

I call it a streak because that’s what it is. Until it continues, I am in the zone. Then, something switches off and I move out of the zone. I don’t know what changes but that heightened level isn’t sustained beyond a particular period of time.

One thing that I have been able to recognize though is the fact that my internal feelings guide whether I continue in the zone or not.

As I reflected this weekend, taking time off my fitness routine to rest and recuperate, I realized that this probably isn’t just a pattern with me. When I look around, or when I think of people whom I know and have observed operating in their zone, it’s almost always been because they were feeling good inside in that period of time.

So, what’s important for us is to identify how to get to that sweet spot where we feel good. Where we feel we are doing something important. For ourselves and for those around us. Whether at work or in our personal lives.

We all possibly already know that sweet spot in our lives. But still, we don’t get there often. Not because we don’t want to. But perhaps because we don’t let ourselves.

We often get stymied by middling concerns that divert our mind. We lend our heart to unimportant things and give our time away. All the while thinking about how we could have done better.

Only if we could focus ourselves on what we want to do that gives us happiness. And then doing it religiously, for days to come, no matter what. Until we get to the zone and then strive to stay there…

The Cycle of Parental Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through a lot of different emotions in our lives. One thing that remains constant though is our relationship with our parents…

This week, while talking to a friend we were casually chatting about spending time with our parents. And I realised that I have started enjoying and appreciating the time I get with them much more in the past few years.

It may be a realisation of how do I spend as much time I can with them, while I can. But it’s also a feeling of love far greater than I imagined let’s say a decade or two back.

Not that I have ever felt unloved by them or my love and care has suddenly risen. Hopefully, as far as I can think of.

But it’s a different feeling because I have perhaps gained some more wisdom over the latter half of my life. And an understanding of how important a role they have played and continue to play in my life.

I stayed with my grandma for the first ten years of my life. So my time with my parents was maybe half of what it should have been. And while I was attached to them, I was equally attached to my grandma and therefore didn’t feel any void.

When I entered teenage and started staying with my parents, there was an appreciation of their role and love but it was also blinded by other things demanding attention. Friends, studies, sports, and so on.

As life progressed and my career took precedence, life moved me around to different places, not always nearer or with them. During this period, the affection and appreciation continued to remain the same as in teenage.

But then as I became a father and saw my girl grow up to an 8 year old now, I think it pushed me to look at the role of my own parents differently. The appreciation and affection therefore has risen over the last few years.

And it has renewed the anticipation that I feel as a child to be with them and spend my time with them now a days.

This new found place has also positively impacted my relationship with my daughter. These formative years of hers are not only the most crucial for her as an individual but also for her relationship with us.

I would like to imagine the same feelings in her as she grows up and goes through this cycle. And hopefully I will be able to see and feel it as a parent!

For that’s the most selfless love one can ever get and give…

Unconditional Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was a cold evening. The boy was shivering. But he continued to sit on the park bench. It was like time stood still for him.

When he had sat down there, with his drooping shoulders and watery eyes, the park was full of people. All sorts of them.

Some walking on the track, some expressing their love to each other, some enjoying time with their friends and family. But he could bet there was no one there in the park that day who had a similar experience as him.

That afternoon, he had set out to meet his biological father and mother for the first time. He had only known about the truth for the last one year. When his parents, who had adopted him right after his birth, had revealed it.

It was straight out of a story book. Given up at the hospital after birth, he was left in the neonatal ward and was adopted by a couple who had had a stillborn.

They had raised him as their own and he loved them the most in this world. But since he had been told of his adoption, he wanted to meet the couple who had given birth to him.

After a year of contemplation, he had written to them. Introducing himself as a young researcher, interning with a college professor, who wanted to interview them. He wasn’t sure how they would react if he just told them about the relation he had to them.

So, he had setup a meeting at a coffee shop near the park to meet them that evening at 4. They had mentioned to him that they will be in that shop meeting some other friends.

As he reached early that day, he realised that the couple was sitting with a group of friends. There was a lot of banter going on. And he didn’t want to disturb them, so he took another table nearby and ordered a cappuccino for himself to kill time.

The clock hour moved but the group didn’t dissipate. The couple were oblivious to time. It was as if they didn’t remember about meeting him. He got up when it was fifteen minutes past their meeting time, but as he got nearer to the table, he overheard their conversation.

The couple were making fun of him, imitating how he had spoken to them on the telephone. The man mentioned that he had no intention to meet any young fella, he was sure it would be a waste of time and he was anyways not turning up. The lady added to it, announcing young people as a wasted generation, and how she was happy they didn’t have any children.

The couple then looked at each other approvingly, as if agreeing for the n’th time that they had successfully hidden their truth.

The boy could take it no more. He turned around and with moist eyes, ran to the park and sat down.

All sorts of thoughts were going on in his head. He despised the couple and couldn’t believe they were his biological parents. He despised himself going after a lost cause, when he knew clearly that the couple had given him up at birth.

Then, as the evening wound up, most people started dissipating from the park. It was closing time.

He didn’t know how he could go back to his home now. What would he tell his parents. How would he face them. Without any clear answers, he kept fidgeting in his seat.

Until, he saw a couple with a special child walking past. They had all reason to be upset as their child was not in the best elements. No one wishes for a special child. And yet, they cared for him deeply and somehow managed to get him to calm down and move out.

It then hit him. Biological or genetic bonds meant nothing. The ones who raised him were his parents. They were the ones who had done everything for him. And he didn’t need to answer anything to them.

At peace within, he walked out and to his home. To his parents. For their love was unconditional and their bond eternal.

What’s your Vibe

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Serious or easy going? Cool or complicated? Dependable or unfathomable? Approachable or distant?

We all have one defining aspect that describes us. More or less.

And by “we” I don’t only mean individuals. Even organisations.

For individuals like you and me, our vibe is a complex result of an ever evolving life that helps build experiences and impressions. Right from our childhood to the point in time, a lot of things help shape us. And those distill into the vibe that we radiate.

It is the same for organisations. The only difference being, it is a result of a collective and not an individual. What the founders or senior people experience early on and what culture they seed is what gets built upon and adopted as the years progress. As the culture shapes up, the vibe solidifies.

People or organisations with good vibes attract others. Others want to be friends with them, work with them, and help them. On the contrary, those with bad vibes end up isolated or marginalised, not able to attract as many others.

It wasn’t until this week, as I was remembering some of my past experiences, did I realise that there is one big difference though.

In both cases, there is a point in time beyond which the individual or the organisation get typified into that vibe and those inner bonds sustains for long, sometimes for the entire life.

Unless, something happens or snaps and breaks those bonds. And forces the person or the organisation to re-evaluate their position, their experiences, and their outlook. Thereby, moving them in life to a different direction and dimension, resulting in a changed vibe.

We have all heard of how organisations evolve and change their course based on internal assessments, some of them going on to make history. And how some of them don’t realise the slide and fall down eventually.

But it doesn’t seem to be as frequent a case for individuals. Most of us fall prey to what we have built and disregard the need for change and to re-evaluate our vibe periodically.

We become a slave to who we have shaped up into. And continue living our life in that same state, even though we may be going down the wrong path.

And while that may be an ok approach to take in a multidimensional and multilayered organisation, whose demise may just render us jobless, it is counterproductive to do the same as an individual and end up with a lost life or worst, loss of life.

Sounds like a good strategy then for us to have our own internal assessments on a timely basis, to reset our course and make the most of our life!

The Inner Struggle…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

How do we choose what we choose? Why do we behave the way we do?

How do we better control our thoughts and emotions and channel them into the positive zone? Is it something that we can do to mentally train ourselves better on? Or is it a factor of our conditioning and our circumstances and not always controllable?

These questions have been on my mind more than once.

This weekend, as we sat down for a family movie night, I didn’t expect that these will be answered. But as I got up after those 2 hours, the fog had somewhat been cleared!

It was the animated movie ‘Inside Out’, which is a beautifully crafted story of how the mind behaves in different situations and reacts to them, depicted through a week in the life of a young girl.

The one answer to my questions – what we choose and do is a constant struggle within ourselves – one that we fight day in and day out. And the feeling we have conditioned ourselves to sense the most wins over more than the others.

That’s the reason, some of us get flustered even on small things while some don’t mind even bigger problems and smile them away. Or why sometimes we may get sad but recover while someone else becomes sad and goes into depression.

It is complicated!

One thing I did realise though is that the power to swing to one or the other direction is in our minds and hearts.

The power to move from being self-focussed, apprehensive, and angrier than we used to be in today’s hyperconnected yet disjointed world, to become more accepting, welcoming, and less exacting.

Or to move from the ‘rat race mindset’ so that we allow ourselves to experience happiness in the small things in our life, rather than being dissatisfied even when we have achieved something.

Or to be proud of even the small achievements that our kids have landed up with, instead of pushing them for more and more out of our desire to excel at all costs.

I am sure, all of these are, or will be, inner struggles for most of us. But winning over them and emerging on the right side is perhaps the only thing that’s important today, as we reset our lives and relations in this new world…