Life

It all adds up…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We go through our life with hopes, aspirations, and goals. We also go through fear, frustration, and stress in the same breath…

If we look at it on the surface, we could say that these are two sides of the same coin and are bound to happen in life. However, if we peep inside, we will find that a lot of the fears, frustrations, and stress that we have in our life are harbored by us based on our choices. They all add up. And because we let them affect us, our health gives way to engulf in us myriad problems and diseases.

This past week, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this aspect. The week itself was one of loss and remembrance. My maternal grandmother passed away, leaving us at the wise age of 92. May her kind soul rest in peace!

As I travelled to pay my last respects to her and then returned after the humbling experience, I couldn’t put behind myself the fact that she lived for this long a time but wasn’t suffering from any particular ailments. God gave her enough strength to live happily and pass away without too many difficulties.

Recalling the time that I had spent with her and about her life, it occurred to me that one of the most important reasons for her long life must have been absence of too much stress and frustrations. There may have been other factors as well, but the fact that life was much more simpler in olden days cannot be underestimated.

Once my train of thoughts started catching speed, I realized that what I have been doing is contrary to how I should be living my life. I take a lot of stress for things that probably don’t deserve so much attention. I eat unhealthy sometimes, don’t exercise and generally spend a lot of my day sitting around in front of a computer. I don’t get enough sleep and try to do too many things together. I don’t take out enough time to spend with my family and loved ones, sometimes relegating it to the weekend.

While I take pride in myself about how I generally have walked my own path, how I am much fitter than others my age, how I don’t have any ailments (yet), how I have a lovely family, all of these are things that I need to work on more! And so, I take the following pledges for myself to focus on in the years to come.

I will reduce stress in my life. Let things be. Stop worrying about things I have no control over. Live life in a way that allows me to enjoy and experience everything.

I will focus on being healthy. Eat well, avoid things I shouldn’t be eating. Sleep well, get more rest. Exercise regularly, avoid being lazy.

I will take out time to do things that make me happy. Even if it means I don’t read that news article or don’t watch something that others are going gaga over.

Most importantly, I will take out more time to spend with my family and enjoy life. Not just on the weekend but also during the week. Even if it is just a while.

I don’t know if these are the only things I need to do or if there are others. But what I do know is following this pledge is going to be difficult. However, I will strive. For beyond this effort probably lies a better me, a fitter me, and a more wholesome me.

And hopefully by doing this and more, I will avoid all the negative things around me adding up to create a bigger hole…

Companionship

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a beautiful word. And complex too…

While most of us think about it in terms of a partner, I think there is a broader definition to it. For some of us, a companion may mean someone who we are attached to through our soul – a parent, a child, a sibling, a pet, a friend, or maybe even a passion.

For a lot of us, the companion is a key part of our regular existence. We love them, fight them, console them, argue with them, forgive them; but come what may we generally cannot do without them.

It’s very rare to see someone not have any companion in their journey of life!

Past few days, as this word came up in my discussions with different friends a couple of times, it raised a thought in my head around the various facets of companionship.

I have been lucky. I found my life partner most naturally and we developed a great relationship and understanding between ourselves right from the start. It was as if we were destined for each other. We had a great time before getting married and it has been an equally interesting ride post that. She complements me well and takes care of me, and I would like to believe that I am the pillar of support she looks at for all things in life.

We spend a lot of time together and partake in each other’s companionship. Do we fight? Yes, a lot of times. Do we disagree with each other? Absolutely yes. But that’s par for the course. For what is a relationship without some bickering. However, what trumps all of this is the love and respect we have for each other as individuals and collectively for ourselves as a family that carries us through. And this companionship keeps us bonded and carries us through.

So, clearly I am not someone who has experienced the other side of things.

But as I thought about those few people I have seen around me, who aren’t married or in a relationship, I realized that while they may not have a companion in the traditional sense, they have a similar affinity with someone in their close circle. And usually that relationship means a lot to them.

Even as I thought harder, I couldn’t find a single person in my known circle who could prove to be an exception. Maybe there is someone who doesn’t have a companion right now, but they are already looking for someone. Or maybe they are engaging with someone else in their close circle in a similar capacity. Or maybe they are wedded to their passion.

Does that mean living life without a companion is hard or impossible? I don’t know. May be possible still. But then, that person would find solace in something else – perhaps a hobby, or any activity which keeps them busy. Even if it is for a brief while. Otherwise, it would become insanely difficult to make life interesting and continue living.

A beautiful and complex word and association, which is not only important but also essential to our life then…

Accidental ‘Chef’

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been something that I have forever been called out for by my wife – my lack of skills in the kitchen! No prices for guessing then, this post is about an accidental achievement that I managed to turn out of nowhere…

As it happened, I was engrossed in my work and decided to take a break in the evening, as I usually do. While preparing my green tea, I saw a couple of packets of milk and so emptied them into a saucepan and put the saucepan on the stove on a low flame to boil the milk.

I must have drunk a lot of antioxidants that day in the green tea, because I forgot all about the saucepan on the stove, while I completed my evening stroll on the terrace and then resumed working. By the time my wife returned from office and found out about my mishap, I was already on a call, oblivious to my achievement!

As some of you may very well know, when we boil milk for a long time on a low flame, it becomes viscous with reduced consistency and the cream clots up in small knots. This preparation, topped with saffron, cardamom, and some dry nuts is often served in different parts of India as a sweet dish called ‘Rabri’. It also happens to be one of my favorites.

So, accidentally, I ended up preparing a sweet dish that I had no intention of (well, of course with my creative wife’s help). My wife, probably happy that the milk had not boiled over and spilled as it usually does under my jurisdiction, decided to click a couple of pics and posted to my parents and in-laws, terming it my creation (not the one in this post, that’s from the internet). They were equally astonished about this surprise turn and were actually quite shocked that I could do something like this, until I clarified about the accidental bit…

While we ate the rabri, which was of course delicious in spite of the accidental nature of its preparation, I realized that this is how life also is at times.

A lot of times, we face difficulties and a lot of heat. Sometimes, we let the heat affect us too much and boil over, spilling onto our near and dear ones and laying to waste our own happiness. When we do that, no one gets affected as much as ourselves. But it still happens in an uncontrollable manner at times, such is our human nature.

However, when we let those difficulties pass through and get by that phase in our life, pretty much absorbing the heat and making ourselves stronger and increasing our learnings, we end up transformed. With some garnishing of new experiences and personal resolve, we turn that phase on its head and emerge to do better than what we could have earlier.

It is then up to us to mould the way life shapes us, if we keep our bearings and don’t get bogged down by those umpteen curveballs that keep getting hurled at us time and time again. For what is life without a bit of clotted dreams and simmering situations!

By the way, as I finished eating the rabri and thanked my wife for all that she had done to make it more delicious than I ever could, I realized that it holds true for a lot of other things in my life. More on that in some other post…

Taken for granted.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We have a lot of people who are a part of our lives. But there are a few of them who are extremely close to us.

These people, who we may call our inner circle, mostly consist of our immediate family and perhaps a couple of relatives / friends. They are the ones whom we spend the most time with or care the most about.

They are also the ones we take for granted. A lot!

These relationships are special to us because they give us the warmth, love, and nourishment that we are seeking. And we in turn feed them with our own compassion and support.

However, after spending a lot of time with each other, we get used to being around. We start behaving and acting in more automated ways and without realizing, start assuming the support of the other person. Or worst, start demanding that support.

This week, as I was reflecting on my own behavior with my inner circle, I realized that there are quite a few instances where I am taking them for granted. I am behaving with them as if they already know what’s on my mind and am expecting them to trust and listen to me or support me. Because I know best!

As I dug deeper into the recent past, I figured that this is happening unconsciously and only because I feel entitled to their love, support, and understanding in everything I do.

What I was missing was that they may not be agreeable to everything I have to say or do. Or they may have their own thoughts or suggestions, which I may benefit from. More importantly, by not considering their perspective, I was doing a disservice to the relationship.

Clearly, I was taking them for granted. And they, being my inner circle, deserved more.

So, I made a conscious decision to stop this unconscious behavior. Decision to not try and enforce what I am thinking but to be aware of other perspectives also. Decision to be aware of the their choices and thoughts and be respectful toward them. Decision to let them be and go through their own journey, instead of trying to nudge them at every point.

For sum of all parts is greater than the self…

“The Price”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 20 years!

20 years have passed by after that moment when I first heard those words from a senior doctor’s – “It will be better for you to accept and get medically boarded out”.

The year was 2002, I was in the Military Hospital in Pune, having been on bed for more than 4 months. Hospitalized due to a cervical fracture, holed up with fellow officers, it was a feeling of helplessness, without a clear view of how my life post hospitalization will shape up. I had had multiple conversations with the doctors and while my condition had improved slightly, it was a long road to full recovery ahead.

It was then, during one of those mildly cold mornings, when the senior doctor visiting me broached the topic. I was taken aback. It wasn’t something I had prepared myself for. But he told me with a lot of clarity that while I will pay the price with a few lost years, it will be better for me in the long run with a lot of options outside the armed forces.

I took sometime to discuss, deliberate, and get convinced on the path ahead and ultimately decided to pay the price of those few lost years. I came out, adapted myself to a new life, and have had a lot of great experiences over the years. Have I lost out on something? Yes, probably a lot would have happened with my life if I had decided to stay back in the Army. But then, I took a call and decided on the price I want to pay.

As I was reflecting on this passage of time this week, I realized that we constantly take decisions and choose between multiple options, each of which extract a price.

Most kids who take up a sport seriously and choose to focus on it as a career option, pay the price of going through a disciplined regime, when other kids their age are enjoying a carefree life.

Most bachelors who choose to move out of their parents home and go to a different city for career prospects, pay the price of living uncomfortably when they could have had a more easier life.

Most people who move to a different country forego the familiarity of their own place and people they know, to venture out into the unknown world.

Those who decide to work in a role or job that is demanding, pay the price by handling stress and possibly later on with their disturbed health.

The ones who in their old age choose their home town over living with their kids, pay the price of being away from their son/daughter and their grandchildren.

It doesn’t mean that the price that we pay always takes a toll on us. It also gives us a lot of things. The kid who plays the sport well and learns lessons for life, irrespective of whether she goes on to become a champion or not. The bachelor who matures faster than the others his age and makes a mark on his own. The immigrants who gain great exposure and gather new experiences in a distant land. The professional who earns a good income and respect in the industry. Or the elders who enjoy their later years surrounded by people they have known over the years rather than being in a new place.

It is our willingness or reluctance to pay that price, that determines how our experience turns out. For if we choose whole-heartedly, we will make something out of it. If not, we can turn into a dud.

The last 20 years have taught me a lot of things. But the most important thing that I have learnt is this – whatever I choose whenever in my life, I must live that option completely, without thinking about why I chose it or what if I had chosen the other options. And definitely not worrying about the price I have to or had to pay on this path.

Makes life simpler and fuller…

What Changed?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Picture this. It is somewhere in the 60’s. A person is sitting on a bed is listening to the radio, which is the primary mode of entertainment and connection with the outside world (apart from newspapers ofcourse).

The radio is playing an advertisement and right after that there is an announcement from the future by one of those mad scientists. The scientist proclaims that in the near future, we would be able to see live video feeds in our homes on a world-wide network which everyone plugs into and it will become our go-to mechanism for everything.

What is the likelihood of the ordinary man with his radio on, believing in this? I would like to think, very less. He may just ignore it all as rumblings of some stupid mind. He would proudly proclaim radio as the best thing that happened in his generation and get on with his work.

And now imagine that person, old, perhaps in his 80’s. Sitting in front of an internet enabled TV with a smartphone in his home controlling the experience. It has turned into a reality. So long for his proud proclamation about the simple radio. Heck, he can now login to any radio channel in the world and listen to it!

This is change! Guaranteed, destined, and having arrived within a single person’s lifetime.

What is amazing is, this ordinary person adapted to all the changes life and society brought on over the years. His life became better (or worse?), it became easy (or more complicated?), and it became more liveable (so we claim!). All those advancements, not just in consumer technology, but in every other sphere of life, resulted in massive shifts. And this person lapped them all up!

We, in this day and age, have stopped questioning what is possible technologically and have rather started to take bets on when will it happen. The pace of change has hastened over the last couple of decades and continues unabated. And we continue to adapt to it in the same rhythm, to make the best use of it as per our understanding.

And yet, the change which is ever so welcome in our lives, hasn’t yet permeated to the same levels in our individual thinking about how will the evolution be in terms of social context, behaviors, and motivations. We still believe that what has happened with us, the way we have lived our lives, is how the next few generations will also experience it. It has been true for most of us but there is no guarantee it will stay the same for our children and beyond.

This week, as I was talking to a friend about how the lives of our children will unfold, I realized that I subscribe to this theory of societal change and therefore, want to consciously not plan too much for it. Not that I have anything against supporting our daughter as she grows up. It’s just that I don’t really know how her life will unfold or what motivations will guide her choices.

I don’t know how she will want to live out her life. If she would even want any help from us. Will money be a useful metric for her or not. Will she want to have a stable career or be someone who would rather accumulate experiences doing multiple things. Will she want to have a partner or not.

I could go on with the questions. But you get the drift.

The choices she will make, I believe, are surely going to be different from the ones that aided my decisions. And it doesn’t make sense for me to plan for too much but rather adapt myself and support her in the way that feels apt for that time and to her mind.

Don’t know if what I am thinking is the right approach or not. What I do believe though is that our relationships and the society will surely change in the next 60 years, just like it has for that person who is now in his 80’s…

Love and Longing…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was the summer of 1999. I had just finished my 12th exams and was awaiting results.

With my eyes clearly set on joining the Armed Forces, I had not been preparing for any other competitive exams and therefore wasn’t too engrossed in the coaching classes as my other friends were. With a lot of free time to kill, I had gone to my hometown to stay with my grandmother. My Dadi.

She was my first love.

My parents tell me that she absolutely adored me from the day I was born and took special care of me. And I was so fond of her and attached to her that I would rather stay with her than go to any other place, even with my parents.

As I grew up a little and my parents moved to different places, owing to my father’s transferable job, it was because of her that I stayed back in my hometown. It was also my parents confidence in her strength and character to nurture and bring me up without having to uproot me at that tender age.

So, while my mother shuttled between two places and my father stayed alone at times, I was sheltered under my Dadi’s watch. She just didn’t take care of me but also taught me a lot of new things. Those formative years that I spent with her are forever etched in my memory.

Once I turned into a teenager, my father finally decided to move me from the hometown to a new place where he was posted. Although it was a difficult decision for both me and my Dadi, it was perhaps the need of the hour for me to have new experiences and learn new things.

The next few years we stayed in 2-3 places, and during all that time, we constantly visited our hometown for important festivals, special occassions, or simply over the weekend. In that period, as I made new friends and moved through middle and high school, I realized the importance of the lessons she imparted to me, which helped me grow as an individual.

All this increased the respect I had for her, multifold. While we were not staying together, I used to still cherish spending time with her on our frequent visits or whenever she came over to stay with us. We used to talk about myriad things, I used to tell her about what is happening in my life, tease her for her constant fixation with all things pertaining to running the house, play board games with her, and take care of her as she was growing old.

Naturally, in that summer of 1999, when I had nothing better to do after my exams, I decided to travel and stay with Dadi for a few days. During those days, she was constantly worried about the next steps in my life. I tried to explain to her my choice and the reason why I had chosen so. I also tried to assure her that she needn’t worry as I was a grown up boy now. It was finally my father who patiently explained to her my choice and convinced her about it. Finally, as she reluctantly calmed down, I heaved a sigh of relief, almost behaving as if I was through the selection process.

That evening, as I waved to her on my way out, something strange churned within me. We had both always been sad about parting, even if for a short while. That day, however, I felt high emotions. I remember thinking about it on the way and feeling uneasy. We eventually reached our other home, a hundred kilometers away, at nightfall. Winding down after dinner, I remembered her sad face and slowly settled down to sleep.

It was alas, the last time I had seen her alive. For that same night, we got news of her demise. We packed again and went back. I recall seeing her still body lying on an ice slab and everyone around crying and sobbing. Strangely, there were no tears in my eyes. Just plain sadness. I sat down beside her and prayed for a few minutes. There were enough people at home, although it was early morning, and a lot of them were consoling us.

But I had absolutely no tears. I was dumbfounded. It was my first experience of seeing someone who wasn’t alive. And that too, my beloved Dadi.

As a couple of hours passed in that trance, I kept rethinking about the last few days I had spent with her and various memories kept flashing across my eyes. It felt as if sitting across her, I had just been watching her sleep, like I used to do at times in a mischievious way to spook her. The only difference being, she could not respond now.

That’s when it hit me. That I had lost her forever. And that she would never be back. Realizing that, my dam burst, and it must have been for 30-40 minutes that I couldn’t stop my tears. Finally, I gathered myself and we performed her last rites later that day, bidding her body the final goodbye.

It has been almost 23 years. And yet, the memories still linger on. Her body may have gone but her soul persists in my concious and sub-concious mind. I remember her in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my stories to my little one. And I am sure, she does too, somewhere in the universe. For as much as I loved her, she loved me much more!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dadi. As we celebrate the week of love, I must call out to you again, love you forever…

Superpowers.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There are times in life when something unexpected happens, which may not be good but still turns out well…

Earlier this week, as I got detected with the famous virus that is fast becoming a long friend with humans, I experienced one such moment in life. Unexpected, uncalled for, unhinging.

And yet in some ways, reassuring.

I know there is a dichotomy here! Let me explain…

As I tested positive with only mild symptoms and then progressed well on the way to recovery, it was a few days of “taking it easy”. In these last few days, isolated in a room with nothing else to do except reading, watching, listening, and thinking, I got ample opportunity to reflect on some of these life’s vagaries.

What definitely helped was that no one else tested positive at home, and my symptoms were mild enough to not worry. Perhaps someone else with the virus but with difficulties or higher severity may not empathize with what I am saying here. Not disrespecting them. I have all the sympathy for those who have had a tough time. But then, all of us have our own experiences and perspectives and I am recounting mine.

So coming back, as I was speaking to a friend about how I was doing, we conversed about how this can be a blessing in disguise. He mentioned that I was now endowed with a superpower against the virus and I could now be less worried about contracting it for at least some time. While I listened to his statement and laughed it off, I realized that is was true scientifically. And that’s the reassuring bit.

But as I thought deeper about it, I realized that life offers us opportunities to gain these superpowers. Specially so, immediately after something unexpected has happened.

Like after we are down in the dumps and have had a massive fall, we become aware that the only way from there is up. We let go of our fear of failing anymore and set our sight on succeeding again. Superpower to control our own destiny and of those who are associated with us.

Or after we have had a health scare and decide to be fitter and take our health in our own hands. We let go of our unhealthy lifestyle, change our habits, and discipline ourselves on an everyday basis. Superpower to improve our life at all costs and live longer.

Or after we come out of a self-imposed bout of anger and jealousy post a big fight and decide to mend ourselves to not go into the same direction again with the same person or with others. We slowly learn to control our mind and behavior and not get flustered in such situations again. Superpower to help ourselves and others in all situations.

Or after we let go of lethargy and inertia and pick up the pen/brush/lens or whatever tool we may have in our arsenal, to devote time to things we love to do. We enjoy those few moments spent in creating something or working on the hobby we find pleasurable. Superpower to be happy at all times and live well.

These are all superpowers because we want them in our life at all times, with all their might. If given a choice, we wouldn’t part with even one of them, ever.

The interesting thing is, all of us have had these superpowers at least once in our life. But somehow, implored with life, we chose to give them away. Unknowingly. Unwittingly. Unintentionally.

Hopefully, the next time we gain any of these superpowers, we recognize the opportunity and don’t let them go off into the ether…

Time

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As we enter 2022, it’s that time of the year when we feel the most hopeful, the beginning…

With the new year’s greetings posted and pictures of the recent vacaction or family time shared, everyone looks forward to what the new year holds in store for them. We make plans for the coming months and adopt resolutions that we hope to stick to forever.

And yet, time is an ironical friend!

It takes away at times, it gives more at times. It helps us experience highs and lows of life, sometimes all within a short span. And it certainly seems like the easiest thing to manage but is the most difficult to handle.

As we were winding up 2021, this apparent truth hit home for me.

We had planned for some travel in the new year to spend more time with our parents but with the oncoming rapid surge of the third wave in India, we decided to cut short our visit and return to base immediately, lest we get caught in the middle.

As the decision was taken within a span of 2 days, the earlier thought out plans all came to nought. Naturally, it wasn’t a great feeling for us to cut short a well planned out visit and neither was it for our parents. While they supported our decision to return, we could understand they ruing the missed opportunity of staying together longer.

While we proceeded with our new plan and are now back home, it reminded me of how often we take time for granted and instead of making the most of what we have on hand, plan ahead for the days and months to come. Sometimes too far in the future.

How we curtail things that we ought to do with our loved ones because we want to prioritise our time on seemingly more important things. Or how we take our relationships for granted and instead of investing time on them, try to put them into autopilot. Or worse still, cut ourselves off from others on the pretext of being busy with work and then drift apart from those folks.

So, as I entered the new year and was on my way back, while putting together in my head a broad plan for the year, I also resolved that I will spend more time with those who matter to me. In person, on the phone or on video calls, and through messages. Not only on weekends but also during the week, taking out time as I may be able to. Perhaps only for small things but nevertheless.

I know it will be difficult. But will strive to as much as possible. And hopefully, as the year goes by, will have a better feeling about how I utilized my time!

Money

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It is what keeps the wheels of our world turning. Yet, there are very few things that hold behind them as much dichotomy as money…

It’s a source of livelihood. It’s also sometimes a reason for ending lives.

It helps us put food on the table, clothes on ourselves, and a shelter above our heads. It also often leads to worries in our mind, aches in our heart, and false pride in our eyes.

It allows us to be more connected and aware about the world. It also blinds us at times to what is happening nearby us.

We love it and want more of it for what it can do for us. We also hate it for what it can do to us or others.

Some of us clamour for it when we don’t have enough. Some do so even when they have more than enough.

It invites respect and creates a safety net around us. It also can incite jealousy making us less safe.

It allows us to help bring up our children in the best possible way. It also sometimes is the reason behind the spoilt ones.

It helps us to take care of our’s and our family’s needs when we grow old. It also often leads to infighting that divides and destroys that same family.

How so ever it may affect us or help us, there is no denying the fact that money has a very influential role in our lives.

And yet, very few of us understand how to handle it and remain sane, whether in scarcity or surplus!