Mindset

Retired…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

When I was 30, I thought I should do something so good that I should be able to retire at 40! Then, life happened…

I dived into my own business, tried my best to scale it and then when it didn’t work, finally decided to close it down.

It’s been ten years since then, and almost fifteen since I had that first feeling of retiring at 40. I am beyond 40 now.

And I feel, it is better I didn’t succeed in my mission then!

I will come back to this and explain in a bit. But first, a slight detour.

This week, one of my army batchmates took voluntary retirement. After serving the minimum mandatory twenty years. He had a good run and decided to move on to do something new and more interesting for him.

I and a couple of other batchmates posted in Bangalore got together to celebrate his retirement. During the party, we talked about life after retirement. My biggest observation – all of us are planning to do something post retiring.

As I came back home post the party, I was thinking of my father, uncles, and a few other elders I know. Most of them took to doing something even after they retired.

I remember, when I had naively asked one of my uncles about why he continued to work still, he told me it’s better to continue doing than sitting.

I didn’t understand it then but I do now. Because retirement is hard.

It is difficult to just sit around and not do much. It is also not the best use of time when most of us have about twenty or so years post retiring to fill our lives with.

Coming back to my statement about being happy failing at my mission to retire at 40, I think it taught me innumerable lessons. But most importantly it allowed me to view life as a large continuum, a marathon, and not a sprint.

I realized there’s more to life than just earning enough money and putting your feet up.

Well, I still want to earn enough money. But not to put my feet up. Rather, to do things I would have the freedom to try. And not having to worry about failures or getting into a tight situation.

I don’t know if it makes sense to you. To me, it does…

Relieved.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Fatima was sitting down, holding the side of the bed. The same bed where her beloved husband of over forty years, Zafar was lying still, never to get up again.

She kept sitting in that position for a good hour or so. Re-living all the memories of their past.

Theirs was an arranged marriage. But they had fallen in love with each other soon after meeting for the first time, and then multiple times over those forty odd years. It was a match made in heaven!

Over the years, as they fulfilled their familial responsibilities, they had built a beautiful home for themselves. They had a daughter, married and happily settled close by in the same city. Their son-in-law was a gentleman, ensuring that he prioritized their well being in all cases.

They had grown old together and especially after Zafar’s retirement from the bank, had established a daily routine to spend more time together. Morning walks, long sittings over crossword puzzles and old film music, evening tea with friends from the neighbourhood, and their love for movies kept them busy. Their daughter and son-in-law would come over on the weekends and sometimes they would all go out for a meal. Life was going on in a fulfilling fashion.

Then, soon after his sixty-fifth birthday, Zafar started complaining of some headaches. He was a health conscious man, so without taking any risks, he consulted the doctors. And as unfortunate it could be for the family, he was diagnosed with an extremely rare condition which was causing tension in his brain’s blood vessels.

It wasn’t a very good sign and the doctors told him that he could either get operated or otherwise had little time left. The chances of success were low and they were non-commital about the after effects of the surgery.

Zafar had seen his father pass away after a prolonged cancer and knew that his case could end up with he being bed-ridden for the rest of his life. While the doctors were suggesting surgery, he also knew that post-surgery recovery would be prolonged and may not even happen. He didn’t want to be left in a vegetative state towards the end of his life.

He consulted another doctor in a different hospital and the findings were the same. The doctor confirmed that there was a low chance of success. He did tell him that in case the surgery doesn’t succeed, he could be much worse-off.

That evening, Zafar had sat Fatima down and explained to her the second opinion. She already knew about the health condition, so had started preparing herself mentally for anything. When Zafar told her that he had decided to let things play out naturally and not go for an uncertain surgery, she wasn’t surprised. After all, he had taken many unemotional but necessary calls during his lifetime and was doing the same at this juncture.

Their daughter and son-in-law did try to persuade Zafar otherwise but he saw no good reason to put the entire family through an ordeal no one understood, including the doctors. Convinced that he could not be moved, the family decided to make his remaining time as good as it could be.

The routines thus resumed. No one around him was told of his condition, so that they behaved normally with him. Only the family knew, and they kept it at the back of their mind, but without showing off their emotions, continued to live normally.

It was hard for Fatima. Knowing that she could soon be staring at life without him. She ensured that from that day onwards, she wouldn’t leave him for long. And over the next couple of years, she spent as much time as she could, soaking in all that she could with Zafar.

He had not shown much but she knew how painful those last few months had been. And how he had continued to live his life normally, ignoring it.

That day, as she got up after her afternoon siesta, she saw Zafar wasn’t moving. He lay still. She sat down beside him and checked. He was gone.

All those years of togetherness were over. He would be around no more. She would just have his memories to carry along.

She was crying. But it wasn’t just because she had lost him. It was also because he had been relieved! He had embraced death and death had come slowly, allowing her to hoard as many memories as she could have…

All in a Day’s Celebrations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrate days. We celebrate people on those days. We celebrate what those people achieved on those days.

But what we don’t celebrate enough is those same people and what they have achieved on other days of the year.

This week, as we celebrated the International Women’s Day and I checked my social media streams and general messaging getting flooded with messages, experiences, and comments, I was reminded of this stark reality.

I get it that there is a certain amount of respect that gets paid to women on the marked day. Or to mothers or fathers. Or to whoever we are celebrating.

But I find it disturbing when I hear about or observe the same set of people not keeping that feeling all through the year.

It’s as if we decide to take a short detour on our behaviour and mask our feelings for that day. And then, as soon as that short-lived, marketing-driven euphoria is behind us, we go back to our old ways. Of treating them as a second class citizen. Or of ignoring them.

Almost like we were obligated to do this once a year!

What if instead, we started believing what we are saying and doing a bit more? What if we genuinely chose to treat them as equals and not second guess them? What if we let them be in the drivers seat for any amount of time without worrying about where they are taking us?

I think it takes guts to accept we aren’t there yet as a society. We still have work to do.

We still need to believe more and trust more. And act in good faith. And not recede to where we were before.

Hopefully, sometime soon. Because, in my view, that’s the only way for us to truly rise up and get to a better, safer world.

Until that time, for those who don’t want to change or think it is beneath them, the annual celebration is a good reminder of where they came from on this earth in the first place!

Give me more. Time.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Give me 15 seconds to explain. Or a minute to complete… How often have I heard it!

It seems as if all we want is to ask for some time when it’s run out already. Even if it doesn’t help us.

Wait. Maybe, it does? It makes our voice heard.

But what we can achieve in those 15 seconds or in a minute that we couldn’t all the while when we were in the meeting or in that situation?

Perhaps, we didn’t get a chance to speak. Or the time allotted was too short. Which are both good reasons to seek more time.

However, wouldn’t it make sense to then ask for 5 minutes or 15? Why a few meagre seconds?

Is it that we are so enamored to the concept of time that we don’t want to waste others or ours? Or is it that we are so perennially short of it that asking for more may show our greed / insensitivity?

I think it is neither but ignorance on our part. Ignorance to comprehend that we won’t be able to say something in a few seconds, that which we haven’t already said.

For, is it really possible to complete, let the other person comprehend and expect him/her to respond to what you have to say in 15 seconds?

It could also be a matter of greater complexity than originally thought. And if so, then the matter anyways needs more time and asking for a few seconds won’t help. Better to discuss in more detail when everyone has more time!

Whatever it may be, the best thing to do IMHO, is not to seek more time immediately but rather put forth your point separately – in the next meeting or when you have a chance to.

Maybe asynchronously? After thinking through deeply and then putting it forward.

For, if the matter would have been so urgent, the decision would have already been made. And if you hadn’t spoken for or against it then, likely you didn’t for a reason…

Remember the Highs!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was going through a dull moment. Feeling down and out.

My mind was racing down the spiral, into the nadir. And my demeanour had changed into a sobering, deflated one.

It was a low point. And I was thinking of all the things that had gone wrong. All those mistakes which I could have prevented.

As I gazed into the ether, my inner voice was somewhere egging me to get out of the slump. Trying to remind me of the good things that had happened or which were in store in the future.

But my mind had shut off the good side. The bad side was winning at the moment.

Seeing me lost, my wife came and sat besides me. And told me that when I had overcome so many bigger challenges in my life, what I was going through was relatively minor.

She added that she was fully confident that I would not only overcome this low point but come out stronger on the other side.

As I listened to these words, something stirred in me. I went back to those past challenges and compared those situations with the one I was in currently. I also recalled the success I had seen once I overcame those challenges.

And suddenly, just like a light bulb illuminating a dark hallway, my good side took over and started throwing light over the gloom, pushing the bad side away.

It was just a small statement by my wife. But meant so much to me in that moment when I was feeling low.

My confidence returned and my demeanour normalised. Positive thoughts started coming back and the feeling of I am not alone in this made me sit up with a resolve to fight.

Thankfully, I have her by my side, helping me avoid these pitfalls every now and then!

The Grand Picture…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our life centres around our “self” and that too in the moment. But are we really able to see the grand picture?

My mind raced in all directions this past week, as I visited the canyons with my family and absorbed the grandness of them all.

While walking an aptly named ‘trail of time’ at the Grand Canyon, where every long step is equal to a million years, our meagre years seemed infinitely small.

And yet, as I contemplated about life over the past week or so away on vacation, I couldn’t help but think about what am I doing, where are things heading, etc.

The contrast of these two at the same time couldn’t be starker. I was concentrating on self in the moment, and not looking at the bigger picture.

Paradoxically, thinking about this contrast also helped clear my head. It became easier to think of life as a series of events that lead to something meaningful at the end of it all.

Not random happenings but inter-connected dots that leave an impression, howsoever small or faint, on some people and things.

A journey that starts and ends in a few years but continues to echo through the chambers of time for a few more years to come.

As these thoughts raced in my mind, I figured the bigger picture for me as an individual would be my entire life and what it affects. Not just what I am doing right now or what may have happened or will happen.

So what’s my bigger picture – I don’t know yet what that entirety entails!

I just know that I have to continue doing things which are interesting to me, which help me progress my knowledge and experiences, and which make me a better father/husband/son/brother/friend/human.

If I am able to do that, I will have lived a life worth something…

Something which will complete my grand picture…

The Power I Hold…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

The lady was half asleep. She had had a tough day at work and after completing all the household chores, she had just gotten to bed.

Her house was a small one. They couldn’t afford a bigger one. Not with just one person working.

Her husband had been out of work for a while now. He had been fired from his last job because the company had filed for bankruptcy. Since then, he had been trying his best to land a new gig but without much success.

They didn’t have any child yet. It had been half a decade since their marriage and while they loved each other, they wanted to be sure about their financial stability before having a child. It wasn’t easy raising one and they only wanted the best for their kid, whenever they would have one.

As she turned around to the other side, her husband entered the room. He had been frustrated at his string of failures to secure a job and had been keeping aloof for a few days. She cajoled him and snuggled close to him, to comfort him. They lay there in each other’s arms soon.

But she couldn’t go to sleep now. Not with all that was running in her mind…

How will they get back to a better life now? How will he find a good job? How will they earn enough to afford a bigger place? And when can they plan to have a kid, she really wanted to become a mother.

The thoughts in her head kept floating in all directions, forcing her to toss and turn in her bed all night along. Her husband had dozed off after a while, he was too tired from life to continue being awake.

As dawn started to wake up, she stared out of the small window in their room. She could see the night sky giving way to a lighter hue. She could hear some noises from the nearby trees, leaves rustling, birds waking up.

Her mind kept racing. It was the dawn of a new day. She could either continue thinking about what had happened in the past few months or look forward to today and tomorrow. There was no other choice.

She got up and sat at the head of the bed. As she took deep breaths, she realized that she had power over her life still. She could make it work.

What if they were in a smaller house? They had a better one than many others.

What if they didn’t have a few luxuries in life? They had a decently functional life for now.

What if her husband didn’t have a job yet? He will find one soon enough if he kept trying.

What if they didn’t have a kid yet? She could decide and have one whenever she wanted to, they were both healthy.

After all, there was always today and tomorrow to make life up. To do what best they could with theirs.

For, she held a power. The will to make life work for them…

The Year That Was! (or not?)

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The boy was at the new year party. The countdown to 2024 had begun.

As he saw happy, smiling faces all round, cheering the countdown, he couldn’t help but notice his own mixed feelings about the year that had gone by. And how he felt about multiple things that happened in the course of the last twelve months.

He had begun the year on high hopes. There was not a single grain of doubt that 2023 was going to be a great year for him. His life was finally settling down with a steady job, a relationship he was happy in, and lovely friends all around.

But as life took its turns around the first few months, he saw his friends drifting away. One of them moved onto a new job and new city, another just got into a new relationship and spent lesser time with him.

His job, which he was so gung ho about, suddenly started seeming dreary. The promotion he was expecting came through but so came other challenges associated with the new position. He was doing the same thing he did the year before, with the same set of people, for the same set of clients. He started feeling he wasn’t growing and frustration started creeping in.

The only thing that remained steady during this period was his relationship. It was a source of strength for him and gave him confidence that better times will come again.

But as these images flashed back in front of his eyes, he realized that far more than ever, his life had remained steady. There was not a single mishap that had happened, in his personal life or on the work front.

He remembered how there was a health scare with his dad the previous year. And how it had disturbed everybody in the family. It could have been much worse. But nothing untoward had happened.

He recalled, how there were layoffs at his company. His division was also affected. But he had been doing well and wasn’t impacted. Instead, he ended up getting the promotion and role change.

And as he realized this, he became more grateful for how the year had gone by. For, that is how a typical good year goes by. There are some wins, some losses, some happiness, some sadness, some good and some bad outcomes. But you come out without being scathed much.

He joined the cacophony of voices that were counting down.

3… 2… 1…

As he kissed his partner and wished everyone around a happy new year, deep within he was contented and happy to step into a new year with new expectations and hopes of good things and changes…

Pedigree

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Why do we bias towards pedigree? Is it or is it not as important as we think it is?

This is the kind of term we use when we want to show that the subject in focus belongs to a particular group. Mostly, the highly desirable groups who have been educated or come from a higher class background.

Is it our fascination with higher classes in general? Or has it got to do with some deep rooted feelings that get ignited within us?

These past few weeks, I have been listening to a podcast by ‘The Ken’, titled ‘First Principles’. It is interviews with some of the well known startup founders and what drives them and their companies.

As I listened to some of the well known and successful founders, I tried to observe patterns. And some interesting insights have emerged in my head.

One such important question, that rears time and time again in my head, has been this one about pedigree…

Those who graduated from the top schools and universities had a strong alumni backing, plenty of confidence in their abilities, and above all, a general sense of accomplishment that they embody. They seem to have a sense of purpose and a particular vision about how they see the world and their specific area of interest.

But even those founders who are not very high pedigree display a high sense of accomplishment and confidence. They have the same sense of purpose and vision. The society probably doesn’t hold enough confidence in them. Or they don’t have the same strength of alumni’s backing. But their success isn’t middling, in fact much better in some cases.

In fact, I think for most people who are capable enough, pedigree stops mattering after the first few years. It may have helped in getting a start but the person’s progress is more dependent on how s/he does going forward rather than what s/he did earlier.

If I look at myself, it is the same pattern. Pedigree stopped mattering after the initial years. What I lack in some way I make it up in other aspects because of my capabilities and abilities. And where I come from matters less and less.

Am guessing it is the same for most folks.

We however, personally, still view pedigree as important. We go out of our way to recognise it, idolise it, aspire for it, and discriminate basis it!

Perhaps, it is too ingrained a thought in our beings. Trapped within this thought process, we consciously or unconsciously try and move in that same direction as we have been accustomed to going in.

That’s probably why sometimes we overlook potential and fitment, incurring a loss when instead we should have kept the pedigree aside and chosen on the merit of the case…

The Sound of New

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

When something is new or happening with us for the first time, it’s always so rewarding. Why does that happen? And why doesn’t it happen often?

This week, while travelling from Bangalore to my home town, this question hit me. And took me down my own rabbit hole.

As it happened, the gentleman sitting next to me was perhaps sitting in a flight for the first time. There are lots of Indians who can now afford flights and are taking to the skies for the first time.

Naturally, this person was amazed with the experience. He was clicking photos and videos, wanted to experience the onboard services, and so on. Sitting next to him, I was keenly observing him.

Towards the end of the flight, every passenger’s attention turned to him. As it turned out, this person couldn’t hold his water and needed to visit the loo quite frequently and was getting up to go to the washroom.

He was reprimanded by the air hostess a couple of times for getting up from his seat while the seat belt sign was on.

What I found amazing was that he didn’t get offended by the air hostess. He took the reprimand in his stride and sat down the first time, attempting the feat again after a few minutes. In vain, for he was asked to sit down again.

Even then, he had a boyish smile on his face and he didn’t worry about it. As soon as the flight landed, he got up quickly and went over to the washroom. As we were getting out, he thanked me for letting him through (I was sitting on the aisle seat).

I left the plane with a smile on my face. I could relate this person’s experience to what a young child finds herself in when she experiences something for the first time.

The child is amazed and curious at the same time. She explores things and figures out what they mean by herself. She sometimes lands in trouble but continues to move ahead undeterred.

She is sometimes reprimanded by a parent or an elder, but doesn’t take it inversely. She rather checks herself and then does the right thing.

We, elders on the other hand, lose our curiosity after a few experiences and take everything with the familiarity of the known. We stop wondering at the small things. We take offence on minute things even if we aren’t in the right.

Our knowledge and ego perhaps stops us from experiencing life to the fullest and explore new things. Or to understand when to move forward or to check ourselves…

Maybe, we need to remind ourselves to not have our mind so full all the time!