What to do, What not to do?

There are lights in the dark alleys of our mind that mostly remain switched off. And then, sometimes one of them lights up and is enough to illuminate a lot of things! Like a floodlight.

Something similar happened with me this week…

I generally like things to go well in a structured fashion, as much as possible. When they don’t, I feel that I haven’t put in enough effort to make that happen. In fact, sometimes it leads me to be concerned too much about too many things.

A few days back, as it is sometimes bound to happen, a family outing that I had planned for, couldn’t happen due to multiple reasons. I felt bad that it was canceled because of something I could have taken care of earlier itself. And that led me to a worry loop, which kept me distracted for a few hours.

Cut to this week. I was doing some work and that incident again flashed in my memory. Usually, I would have brushed it off and moved on to other thoughts. But this one lingered for a while. As it was lunch time, I took a break to eat and then went to the terrace to clear out my head.

As I took a few rounds trying to let my mind rest, Stephen Covey’s 3-circle theory dawned on me, which I had read a long time ago. It conveys that one should be completely focused on resolving and worrying about things which are in one’s circle of control or to some extent those which are in the circle of influence. There are a lot of things that are outside of these two circles and while it is good to know about those things, it doesn’t help to focus our energies on them.

The connection of how this thought came into my conscious mind, I cannot decipher. But thankfully, it did!

As the thought compelled me to take a few more rounds, it became apparent to me that I sometimes worry unnecessarily about things that I don’t control. Perhaps they are in my circle of influence but by worrying too much about them, I probably lose out on focusing on things which are under my control.

It could be due to some faulty internal wiring within me or because of how I have trained my mind to think. Whatever be the case, it doesn’t help me and doesn’t help others close to me.

As this floodlight illuminated, it was clear to me that I have to stop doing this in my mind. Difficult yes, but doable. The only thing is for me to concentrate on what really is possible and not worry about anything else that could have been or what I cannot control beyond an extent.

I know, this is not going to happen immediately. After all, unlearning takes more time than learning. But am at it, one day at a time…

“She”

There she was. A young girl, trying to do something which would make her feel proud of herself. She was trying to set up and run her enterprise all by herself.

Something she could call her own. Something that she wouldn’t have to leave behind…

Someone asked, who is she? Someone else asked, whose is she? Is she a daughter of a known businessman? Or a wife of one? Or perhaps a sister of a hot shot tycoon?

The answers were all negative. She was a nobody, had no history or affiliation with anyone known and just wanted to run things independently.

Yet someone else questioned, how is she? Is she alright or is she insane? Trying to do something independently, when in our society she needs a stamp of approval and support from some man in her life.

Others remarked, “she must be naive, for surely this is not how our world works”. Some joked in front of her about her vanity and others talked ill of her and called her names behind her back.

The detractors were not just men. There were women too. Those who were content living the life that was, in their mind, granted to them by their father/husband/brother/lover/son.

And yet, she ploughed on. She encountered obstacles after obstacles, one too many to trump normal people. But she resolutely marched ahead.

People tried to block her way, threatened her with dire consequences for not following the societal norms, made life difficult for her. But she continued with a strong head over her shoulders.

Men refused to work with her or under her. Women reluctantly accepted and joined hands. She however, forged forward with only her goal in her mind.

When she failed, everyone cheered. When she had some small success, people wrote it off as a fluke. They questioned the success she got. And yet, she did not lose focus.

After what seemed like a whole lifetime, the work she was doing became indispensible. People realized that they couldn’t do without her work being a part of their life. They reluctantly had to accept that she had triumphed in her mission and all their misgivings were misplaced.

She finally emerged from the shadows and took her rightful place on the podium.

The “She” here could be anyone – Rani Lakshmibai, Mother Teresa, Indira Gandhi, Margaret Thatcher, Nadia Comaneci, Lata Mangeshkar, Kalpana Chawla, Florence Griffith Joyner, Marie Curie, Marilyn Monroe, Serena Williams, or the countless other successful and known names I couldn’t name here.

Or this “She” could be your wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, aunt, or colleague! Perhaps nondescript, perhaps well known, nevertheless someone close to you who has done well in her life.

Whatever “She” chose to do, was or is being well done. May be better than what “he” could or can manage!

And yet, we keep on questioning. We keep on doubting. We keep on interrupting. We keep on downplaying. And we keep on discouraging.

The real question is, how are you acting??? And why???

Beliefs

What we accept as true, without proof at times, a firmly held opinion.

Beliefs drive us to great heights to take a side in a conversation. Even if we are the only one on that side. They help us move mountains and go ahead if present and not move an inch if absent.

It could be about anything – our identity, systems, rituals, work, approach, or even about people. What is only required is for us to believe in it completely.

It could be something we have held on to for long or may have been formed recently. But once it takes root, only something truly ground breaking could dislodge it.

It could be passed on by someone to us or formed on our own. But once it is registered, it is convincing enough for us to pass on to others.

Which are strange and peculiar characteristics…

Because what we are holding on to, may be wrong and yet because we hold onto it, it appears infallible to us. It may be unquestioned and not completely in sync with the times but looks current to us.

What’s important though is to note that the belief holds onto the strong position in our mind because it appears as our own. Something we are personally responsible for or aligned with!

And that’s the crux. If we feel responsibility and alignment with something or someone, it propels us into a different orbit and helps us do whatever is required.

Perhaps a secret sauce for us to consider, when we think of anything and want to be successful in, is to then ensure alignment and assume full responsibility.

A good way to keep us focused and within range of our target…

Risk!?

How much of it are you willing to take?

Is it an adventure or a danger?

Is it something to be cognisant of or to be weary of?

And is it really that important to consider or generally exaggerated?

As my father and I were having a conversation about the thought process required to start a new venture, all of these thoughts swirled in my mind.

I went back in time to check in on my own mindset when I started my venture. And the more I digged into, I realised that being a first time entrepreneur, I had not considered these questions in detail.

I had just heeded the call of my mind and heart and jumped right in. It was like jumping off the 10m board for the first time but thinking that the swimming pool is just a metre away.

Did I land with a thud? Oh, absolutely. I crashed and burned. The swimming pool I jumped into tested me in all possible ways before I could even learn to flap my hands and legs.

It was a great learning experience for me. But I didn’t plan it in advance. I didn’t do a risk analysis to figure out if I should proceed or not.

When I look back now, I realise that if I were to do this same thing again with my current outlook, I would probably do some risk analysis. Age has either corrupted me or made me much more thoughtful!

And the more I thought about this, it occurred to me that most of us weigh too much on things before deciding on the way forward. Is it a good thing to do this analysis? Yes, I believe so. It helps us become clearer in our mind.

But most of our life’s decisions need not be as thought through. While we can try and plan things in our life as much as it is possible, the best experiences happen in those moments which occur serendipitously.

In fact, those journeys that are unplanned always lend you more than you can ever gain from the planned ones.

So should we consider risk or not? Yes if it’s going to be a matter of life and death (and some of us still don’t do that). No, if it is anything smaller.

For after all, the worst thing that could happen to us if we fail, is a new experience that otherwise would have alluded us…

In Comparison.

It was the summer of 96. I had just settled down into a new place and passed out of 9th grade.

It was also a season of change. There were changes everywhere and in my group of friends too, everyone was getting a new bicycle.

In those days, we used to ride our cycle to the school and pretty much everywhere. So for every kid, a bicycle was the most prized asset. In small towns across India, this used to be a pattern with kids going in for changing bicycle designs every 2-3 years.

96 was one such year. But I felt miserable. My current cycle was 4 years old now and due for an upgrade. There was a new design in town and with most of my friends now owning the new design, mine felt automatically old.

And yet, my father won’t approve of it. He explained to me that I can carry on in my current one for another year at least and he will get me a new one the following year.

I was devastated and couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t get the new model. So I again had a chat with my dad, trying to coax him. He told me to shake it off and gave me some analogies to explain that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others and rather be happy and thankful about what I have. It took some time but that lesson hit home.

I didn’t ask for a new one again until next year, when he himself readily agreed to buy one. I was overjoyed and needless to say, treated it like a prized possession.

What I didn’t realise then but do now was the way he made me understand an absolutely necessary fact of life. Stop comparing yourself to others. And be happy in all circumstances.

That lesson has stayed with me since then. Often, as is natural, the urge to see how I am faring against others crops up and tries to push me down the road less desirable. It’s only these lessons, which somewhere got etched in my memory, that have helped me reset my compass.

This week as something again propped up on the horizon and the inner voice tried to push me in that direction, I was reminded of this lesson about not to compare and held myself back. As I shook myself off that track and reminded myself to stay true to my own path, I realised that this comparative approach is often just an innate desire to prove to ourselves or to prove our worth to others.

It is a strange feeling, taking away the fun of what we have done and pushing us into a corner where our mind starts believing that we ought to do better. And more often than not, it wins in overpowering our minds and polluting it.

It is perhaps due to the fact that we have always viewed competition as virtuous. Or perhaps due to the reason that we believe in ourselves and want to outperform. Or maybe just because we see others behaving in this fashion and join them.

Whatever might be the case, we owe it to ourselves to keep a check on “these feelings” and be mindful to walk our own path.

For truly that is when we can seek and hopefully find happiness!

The Inner Struggle…

How do we choose what we choose? Why do we behave the way we do?

How do we better control our thoughts and emotions and channel them into the positive zone? Is it something that we can do to mentally train ourselves better on? Or is it a factor of our conditioning and our circumstances and not always controllable?

These questions have been on my mind more than once.

This weekend, as we sat down for a family movie night, I didn’t expect that these will be answered. But as I got up after those 2 hours, the fog had somewhat been cleared!

It was the animated movie ‘Inside Out’, which is a beautifully crafted story of how the mind behaves in different situations and reacts to them, depicted through a week in the life of a young girl.

The one answer to my questions – what we choose and do is a constant struggle within ourselves – one that we fight day in and day out. And the feeling we have conditioned ourselves to sense the most wins over more than the others.

That’s the reason, some of us get flustered even on small things while some don’t mind even bigger problems and smile them away. Or why sometimes we may get sad but recover while someone else becomes sad and goes into depression.

It is complicated!

One thing I did realise though is that the power to swing to one or the other direction is in our minds and hearts.

The power to move from being self-focussed, apprehensive, and angrier than we used to be in today’s hyperconnected yet disjointed world, to become more accepting, welcoming, and less exacting.

Or to move from the ‘rat race mindset’ so that we allow ourselves to experience happiness in the small things in our life, rather than being dissatisfied even when we have achieved something.

Or to be proud of even the small achievements that our kids have landed up with, instead of pushing them for more and more out of our desire to excel at all costs.

I am sure, all of these are, or will be, inner struggles for most of us. But winning over them and emerging on the right side is perhaps the only thing that’s important today, as we reset our lives and relations in this new world…

The 5 year plan…

We have a special affinity to this term.

It was how India used to measure our progress as a nation – in blocks of 5 years. But it is also how most of us look at things related to work and life – what is our 5-year plan or view down the road? What is the horizon which we fancy considering and moving with?

Why not 10 years? Or 8 years? Or even 13 years?

I could never gather this nuance of why 5 years. Hence, when someone asked me recently, what is your plan 5 years down the line, I almost balked. Not out of disrespect to the person but due to the fact that I found it amusing.

In an age where our lives are changing every 2-3 years, and that too significantly, 5 years almost seems like 2 steps.

And yet, most of us plan not just for 5 years but even beyond that for 10-15 years.

Is it a good thing to do? I am not sure. But I have stopped doing that. Not because I think it is not required or it won’t help me but more so because after the trials and tribulations I have seen in my life as well as with others, I feel it is better to stick to a 2-3 year horizon and keep things fluid.

It may appear as too short-sighted an approach. However, it has been working for me for the past 5 years. It allows me to not think too far ahead and commit too much while also providing me with a flexibility of changing things if required.

I of course have possibilities that I map out and acknowledge beyond those 2-3 years timeframe but I don’t plan for them actively. If around the 2-year mark I find that what I am doing makes sense and it fits in my overall scheme of things, I double down on it for the next couple of years. If not, I am prepared to change course and modify my plan.

Most importantly, it has freed up my mind without the added stress around the BIG plan that has to be executed over a longer period of time to achieve success.

In a random world with too many things happening all around, I have found this little way of keeping myself focused. What’s your strategy?

False Narratives…

They abound!

In every sphere of our lives.

At home, at work, in the society, within ourselves.

They are constructed in our minds. In our words. And in our actions also at times. And then some of them escape us and land with others and start a chain reaction. Once released into the open, they have a life of their own.

Sometimes these chain reactions help us stay afloat and live our lives believing and holding onto dear hope. And in other cases, they may drown us in sorrow and lead us to a downfall.

Sometimes, these chain reactions stop sooner than we want them to. On other occassions, they run amok beyond our wildest imagination and in spite of our best efforts to curtail them.

As long as they are limited to matters of personal interest or to trivial pursuits, these can serve as a reminder of the alternative or a check on whether we are doing the right things. In fact, some of them may be beneficial for us to meander through our lives, difficult as it is.

It’s when they go beyond the realm of personal or trivial, is when they can assume gargantuan proportions. They then permeate the society in myriad ways and channelise our lives in different directions depending on what we believe.

With the rising trend of easy internet access, tools to enable social connections, and unchecked platforms to spread whatever one believes in, all of this has just become EASY. And that’s what is worrying the most.

Because, these false narratives have the power to alter our reality and push us into directions which may not be worth turning to. Or they may compel us to act in ways that could be counterproductive for ourselves.

And that may cost us many a things!

So, how do we discern between the truth and the false?

No one is an expert in this subject. But hopefully with our own judgement and best intentions towards self and the ones we love, it is probably easier to understand the intention of the narrative and the direction it may take us into. And then asking ourselves a question – do I really want to go down that path?

For beginners, this hopefully may be enough to put us at a reduced risk of being sucked up in the whirlwind of these false narratives and the ensuing madness…

PS: COMMENTS WELCOME!

The Artist’s Perspective

Last week’s post triggered an inspired exchange with an old friend about an artist’s thought process.

My friend contended that while discipline and creativity may go hand in hand, an artist at most times is not bound by discipline and draws inspiration at odd times or from things which may not be in the normal scheme of things. And therefore she may not be disciplined but may still be a great artist.

While I tended to agree with him broadly, the more I thought about it, I realised this point has multiple aspects to consider.

Firstly, there is the contention of what level the artist is at. Secondly, the question of whether the pursuit is short lived or life long and lastly, whether it is commercial or leisurely.

While not all writers are artists, good writing is often equated with art. So as a novice artist (hopefully!), if not for my discipline or urge to practice continuously and improve myself in my art, I wouldn’t be writing this. And while not everyone may like all my writings, the mere act of sitting down and penning my thoughts from time to time pushes me to reimagine myself and to hone my skills.

For someone at a different level or skill though, with innate creativity and imagination, such discipline may not be necessary. That person could manage with minimal practice and turn up on the designated day and produce good art. But in most cases, such artists indulge in their art form as a leisure activity and do it for the fun of it.

Of course, someone who indulges in art as a leisure activity wouldn’t want to enforce discipline into the activity as it would ruin the leisurely approach. But discipline here is not just about the approach but also the mindset/skill – which would require some method to the madness to ensure creativity flows in those leisure hours.

On the other hand, for most who pursue their art for long and benefit in some form or other commercially from it, it in someway becomes their profession. Like in any profession, there is a need for such an artist to follow a disciplined approach that helps her churn out likeable and saleable art.

And while there may be an argument over whether the art produced by such a commercially inclined artist is good or not, unless the artist is disciplined and continues to produce art, she will be relegated to the sidelines as has happened to many. In fact that’s the difference between those who are able to tide over their low phases / artist’s block, and continue the journey versus those who give up midway.

As I thought through all these aspects, I realised that we think about artists as geniuses. People who are able to produce new stuff, when most of us only consume. And hence, we see them in a different light as someone who has a gift – which they can encash whenever they want without much effort.

On the contrary, what I have understood through my own experiment with writing over the last few months, is that it takes a disciplined approach to create. And the gift that others perceive the artist to have, is a by-product of a lot of hard work behind the scenes. It’s just fashionable and perhaps self-indulging to call it as a stroke of brilliance without attributing the toil behind it…

Change is the only constant

As I heard one of the characters in a TV series talk about how change is messy and difficult and not something worthwhile, I recalled this title phrase. And the truism associated with it.

I have always been a firm believer of how change is for the good. It has helped shape my life and provided me tremendous opportunities to learn and grow.

Well, change has been the order of life for me all throughout. I studied in 6 different schools, moving places every 2-3 years. I have pursued 4 different professional tracks in my career. And yet every time there’s some change – big or small, I feel uncertain and out of control.

However, having experienced so many changes in life, I have learnt a trick to handle these situations. Instead of further sinking down into anxiety, I let go. It is not easy – difficult to dissociate and let things flow. But what I have realised is that it’s better to flow than to resist.

As I look around these days, on one side I see people embracing change and adapting to the circumstances but on the other hand, I observe a sense of inertia. As someone who studies people and behaviours, I have realised these responses are all about those 2 words “Letting go”.

People who aren’t embracing change aren’t comfortable letting go. They feel like they have to own and drive things, not let it drift or be driven by something or someone.

This is true not just in the professional world but the personal one also.

The mother who doesn’t let go of the child to play alone, fearing a fall or a scratched hand. The parents who still want to manage or help their grown up kids in everything they do. All of these “not letting go” examples only point to the inertia that the mother or parents feel about the impending change or growth.

In the professional world examples abound. We all have seen or worked with the manager who wants to micromanage. Or the senior who wants to take Center-stage all the time. Or the old guard which refuses to adapt to new ways of working. It’s again a matter of “not letting go” – the anxiety of what will happen if I don’t do it my way.

What we don’t realise is that by not letting go, we create further resistance, which sooner or later leads to breaches. Be it the kid who finds ways and means to slip out of the parent’s radar to do her own thing. Or the junior who gives up and leaves the job for better opportunities where she can grow. The breach happens as the resistance becomes untenable.

As we navigate through this Covid-19 era, where trust is dipping down and anxiety is increasing, it would serve us well to realise that this too shall pass. That this change will allow old ways to be replaced with new ones. And rather than fighting it, remembering that after all is done and dusted, the changes will be for the greater good.

Let it go…