Mindset

Bragging Rights

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The boy was ecstatic. After all, most boys his age wouldn’t have been able to win even 1 tournament at this age. And he had won the under-12 junior championships.

His parents were beaming. They had produced a prodigy, who at a young age of 9 years had excelled at playing table tennis. On the way to his tournament wins, he had beaten some other boys who were 2-3 years older than he was. Surely, they had a winner in their hands.

His coach was proud. He had honed the boy’s raw skills and made him adept at playing matches. He was surely going to win more, and with it would come the recognition for his coach also.

His friends were happy. They could now say that they were thick and close with the rising star in the school circuit. And they would often be able to go for these matches with free passes. Who wouldn’t want to…

The pattern of winning kept on repeating itself. Year after year. The boy became a young legend, ready to take on the world.

School finished, the boy entered a college. He could easily get in the top one on the basis of his sporting accomplishments. He had won the under-15 as well two years ago and was preparing to turn professional. They all wanted the best athletes to brag about their all-round personality development story.

Ultimately, at the age of 18, he turned pro. He broke into the scene with a bang and made a big splash. Ex-players were keen to take him under their belt and coach him. Administrators wanted to ensure they wouldn’t come in the way of a medal prospect. People around him always told him he is the best and no one can beat him.

This story kept on going in the expected direction for the next couple of years. The feelings kept on getting satiated and inflated at the same time. Of being more ecstatic. More sure. More proud. More happy. More confident.

No one noticed, but slowly that confidence and pride turned into a big ego. Also, into a boastful nature. The boy and everyone around him started bragging about how he was the best. How he could do no wrong. And how others couldn’t match up to him.

Everyone thought he could do it because it wouldn’t affect anyone. It was anyways just this one time. But those times kept on adding up.

No one paid attention to how it was affecting the boy’s game. How he had become over confident and dismissive of other players. And his coach. And his parents. And his friends. They all kept on feeding his ego. Because, after all, he was special.

And then, it all unravelled. With less and less practice and more and more distractions, errors creeped in. With less time focused on improving self and more in making fun of other players, small mistakes became bigger.

In the next tournament, the unexpected happened. The boy faltered at the finish line. But no one dared to call out his mistakes. No one attempted to talk to him about what was going wrong. They called it out as just a bad day and went about their own business. For, it was business after all.

As he played more tournaments, the performance bar kept on getting lower and lower. Slowly, those who applauded his every more, disappeared. Those who were close to him were shut down by him because he had always known that he was the chosen one, he was doing the right thing. Slowly, some of them went away.

Even this didn’t alarm him. He dismissed them as deserters and continued in his ways. He lost the touch he had in his game and became a regular, average player. While he chose to rest on his past laurels, others moved on and became better.

Ultimately, the one who was supposed to bring name, fame, and money, passed into the annals of time as an also-ran.

Only if someone would have taught him humility. Of being confident about himself but not being dismissive of others. Perhaps, if someone would have called him out at the right time. Things would have been different.

But alas, everyone was only interested in bragging rights…

Inspiration

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

“the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something…” That’s how the Oxford dictionary defines ‘Inspiration’.

It’s a powerful word because it not only denotes a state of mind that is better than what most would experience but also promises an outcome that will be better than what most would expect.

It can be a boon for average humans, pushing them into a higher gear they didn’t know existed. It can be a bane for those who constantly seek it, for it eludes the most gifted sometimes.

We seek it in difficult times, when we need the strength to get by. We also seek it when the times are good and we need to go higher and farther.

The dichotomy is, it is easy to find and yet hard to internalize!

As I was ruminating today on a few events recently, I realized that we constantly seek inspiration. At home when we want to try something new, at work when we are wanting to do our best, on vacations when we set our life’s goals, in the middle of our busy life when those goalposts keep shifting or seem very far. Basically, in any and every setting.

And yet, while it’s almost always easy to find that inspiration, the difficult part is to keep that inspiration somewhere within us and move ahead with sure-headedness that the inspiration provides us. A lot of times, while we get inspired in the moment or for a few days, it isn’t sustainable to keep that inspiration going for a long time.

That’s why we discontinue our new fitness regimen after making that new year resolution. Or we find it difficult to give ourselves that 1 hour everyday to do things that we love to do after a few days. Or we give up on that new skill that we were so excited about in the previous year. Or how we just coast along at work, and in life, after a few heady weeks when we wanted to be our absolute best.

Only those who are able to sustain that inspiration within themselves, internalize it and make their goal a must-achieve one, and then work towards it diligently day after day, are the ones who benefit from that inspiration. Otherwise, most of us just move on to the next inspiration in line, trying to make ends meet.

To succeed in life then, is the best strategy to decide on what is most important for us and then draw inspiration to help us succeed within those sphere(s)? Or does it make more sense of going with the flow and living life, while trying to understand what really inspires us and then doubling down on it?

I don’t know. Different approaches work for different people.

What I do know and have realized is, whatever approach we take to life, it’s important we derive inspiration from anything that can push us, for everything that we do. For we do need it from time to time!

And for things that matter to us, whether at the outset or as the fog lifts, we must internalize those inspirations to make sure that we don’t drop the ball mid-way…

The Calm

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This one is not about the calm before the storm. It’s about the calm when in the midst of a storm…

In the years when I was in middle and high school, our favourite game used to be cricket. Whenever and wherever we got a chance, me and my friends would pick up a bat and a ball and start playing.

I still remember, in those days, spin was the preferred bowling style in our local cricketing circles and there were very few players who used to bowl fast or who could play fast bowling.

We routinely played matches against other teams and were always up for it. But there was one team which we were terrified of. All because of a fast bowler they had. None of us could stay put for long in front of this guy and would invariably fold up for a low score, squandering our chances of a win. And we never won against them, until one day.

That day something changed. One of our friends, from who knows where, got up on the right side of the bed and decided to face this bowler with calmness and belief. He showed us how he could play out this bowler, standing up to him, and that one innings changed that game for us. We won that match!

This week I got reminded of this incidence while watching some tennis. French open and Wimbledon have always been on my watch list every year. And as I watched some highlights and a couple of live telecasts, I was reminded of those cricket memories we friends still fondly remember.

As I saw some younger players go up against the top seeds, I was routinely reminded of how the calm within us, what we also call as belief, plays an important role in our lives.

Players who play well for a prolonged time and are termed champions, are those that have a strong belief in their capabilities and are ready to fight it out till their last breath. Even when the chips are down.

Those who challenge them, more often than not, play well for a brief period in that match, but then lose focus or get overcome by the nervousness within their being. On most occasions therefore, they lose.

Not to take away from them, because they at least are capable enough of challenging. But only those who are able to conquer that inner anxiety and are able to channel that nervous energy, end up winning.

If we draw a parallel in the professional life, there are few people who without worrying about others, focus on their work and do it sincerely in all situations. They don’t get perturbed by competitors or don’t give up when going through a difficult situation. Because they have belief in themselves and their abilities. Sometimes in their team also. And they come out tops.

Then there are others, who constantly worry about how others see them or how involved they are. They feel jealous about others who are progressing and instead of focusing on their unique abilities, spend more time thinking of how to improve their standing amongst others. These kinds, more often than not, end up worse off than where they began from because they are always anxious and never calm.

I could go on and talk about this in other contexts too, including personal relationships. What matters though is the bottom line.

For us to be a champion, we need to focus on our abilities and build them, believe in ourselves, and most importantly keep calm in between the storm. For that is what separates the champions from others!!!

The weight of expectations

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

2005 was an eventful year for me.

I graduated out of college, got my first job, had a whale of a time with my college friends, and had an amazing time on the work front. But it was also an year of disappointment.

After coming out of the Army owing to an accident, I had taken to 2 things. One was computers, which I was rather good at. And hence I chose to immerse myself into the field. The other was management; something I found affinity for and wanted to get deeper into.

With the last year of my graduation, I decided to appear for CAT, the common test to get into some of the best management institutes of India. I prepared for more than a year, burning the midnight oil to be ready for one of the toughest competitive exams in the country.

I was doing well for myself leading up to the test. I had consistently scored well in mock exams and had a good grasp of most things. I had also practiced a lot and was generally confident about my chances.

So were others. Most people around me believed that I could crack the exam. I got a lot of positive feedback from my friends, teachers, other students preparing alongside. And that all gave me more hope.

When I finally went to give the test, I was pretty sure of a good score. And was naturally aiming for the IIM’s.

As luck would have it, that day’s test proved to be elusive. I thought I did well but I wasn’t sure of how well. Eventually, I scored pretty well on the test scale but somehow couldn’t land an interview call for the IIM’s.

This devastated me. It was as if I was destined for a higher plane and suddenly the ground sunk. Most people around me also were surprised. They had expected I will be able to sail through.

I took it to my heart that I couldn’t fulfil others expectations. And that reflected in my behaviour and performance in an interview I gave based on those results. It was for a good college but because I was carrying a lot of weight on my mind, I didn’t give it my best and hence couldn’t get through.

This week, as I was listening to Carol Dweck, an American psychologist on the growth mindset, I realised that what had transpired with me then, was bending down due to weight of expectations I was carrying with me.

So even though I could have still done well and gotten through one of the other good colleges, I let myself down because I thought I had not met the expectations others had of me. Because everyone expected me to do well and I couldn’t, it disturbed me.

A lot of times we carry along weight in our mind that is borne out of expectations that we ourselves or others have of us. Sometimes it is explicitly stressed, sometimes self inflicted. Most times it is completely avoidable!

The easiest solution is to know that this weight of expectations doesn’t help anyone. Neither the person who is expecting and certainly not the person from whom things are expected. Even if it is oneself.

Better to just let things flow and live life with an attitude of trying one’s best and continuing even if the results don’t match what was expected…

Adversity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This is one word we don’t wish for ourselves. Or for those we care about.

However, rarely has someone gone in their life without facing some or the other adversity. It might have been for a short while but none of us have been spared.

While no one likes discomfort or uncertainty, when faced with adversity of any kind, we react in different ways. Some of us face it head on, some hide and wish it goes past, and yet others adopt ambivalence towards it.

Whatever the attitude we display, any and all adversities affect us profoundly! And teach us a lot.

Today, talking to my parents about times gone by, we were remembering some olden days and talking about how things have changed. It reminded me of some tough times I faced.

A few years back, I was in a pretty bad shape. I had suffered a couple of setbacks and was going through a very hard time in all senses. It was something that I had never come across in my life till then, and it shook me to the core.

My parents, who had gone through hard times, used to console me and tell me that it shall all pass and things will be bright again. Even then, I couldn’t understand if and how I will get out of that storm. The only thing I could and was encouraged by others to do was to keep moving forward. But the discomfort was so high, it made me question a lot of things and be circumspect about everything.

Indeed, times changed and improved for the better. Somehow, I managed to get out of that situation gradually. Now when I look back and think about how I managed to stay afloat, it does seem doable.

In our everyday lives, we similarly go through a lot of difficulties and tough times. Variation in magnitude not withstanding, those are days or months we somehow manage to pass through but hope we don’t have to go through again.

And yet, those are times that also help us understand some aspects of life, which we probably had never applied our minds to. They teach us a lot and help us reset directions.

Today’s conversation made me realise that if we weather the storm and manage to sail through it, we would at least, if nothing else, have become a better sailor!

Something, I am going to remind myself about as I go along, to ease present day discomforts and handle any adversities with a song in the heart…

Old and New

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

While old is gold, new is like morning dew.

The past few weeks, this theme was knocking on my mind’s door. And as we spent time this weekend with friends and family reminiscing about the old times and talking about the new things, it was enough to kindle my thoughts…

A lot of times, we see the old paving the way for the new. The old rescinds in the background, yielding the field to the new. And while the new has learnt almost everything to that day from the old, post that transition the new is expected to tread its own path.

But as the new starts off, it emulates a lot of things that the old did. Not out of a lack of choice but because of a sense of familiarity. Sometimes the new diverges, gradually or sharply, to new forks. Even then, the fork has some connection to the past and the old.

When the new disrupts something drastically, it’s because there are things that happened in the past that led to the new transformation. The new way displaces the older one completely and becomes the new normal. And then after a few years or decades, gets displaced with something better. But all progress happened because there were some new fundamentals which were surfaced by the old, were made sense of, and applied in different ways to yield the new.

So, while the new is fresh and different, there are always traces of the old. And as new evolves and becomes better and then becomes old, it gains an appreciation of how the old helped along the way.

Likewise, in our lives, there are a lot of new things that happen which sit perfectly well with the old.

Like how we coexist with our children and our elders. Respecting each other and enjoying the wisdom of the past with the fun and frolic of the new.

Or the way we do stuff with new technology but deploying mannerisms which have been known to us for years.

Or when the old and new worlds come together physically, like in traditional towns and cities. And create a beautiful mesh of how to view the world in a continuum and not as separate epochs.

Or in the way we relive old memories with our friends and family and cherish the times gone by. At the same time enjoying experiences with the new people in our lives who we spend more time with now.

Ultimately, both are great in their own right and it’s never a fight for supremacy. It’s in fact a synchronous melody that plays out in our lives every now and then!

The more we remember this and understand that it is never an either-or choice but a balance between the two, the more harmonious our life becomes…

The day that was supposed to be…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was evening. Walking back from work, ‘he’ was thinking how could it have been him and how did it even happen.

Eventually tired of thinking and walking, he stopped near a lamp post and leaned against it. He couldn’t take it any more. The weight he was carrying in his mind made him slump down on the street and he landed with a thud.

There were no people nearby, only passing vehicles on the road. With each passing car, his shadow was elongating and running on the facade of the nearby building. He was oblivious to it.

They all assumed he was sitting there for some reason. No one bothered to check in. It was as if he was but a mannequin on the road, left by some disorganized owner.

The man sat there for what seemed like eternity. He kept on thinking about how the day he anticipated he will taste success, turned out to be a dud and a huge embarrassment. How things didn’t turn out as expected. And how will he face others now.

As the clock ticked on, his mind only went down the rabbit hole. It had convinced him that no one would be happy with the outcome he had managed and he had only himself to blame. At some point in time, as he reached the nadir, a speeding car whizzed by. The driver was probably drunk and honking the machine incessantly.

He looked up startled and realized that he had been sitting there on the pavement for long. Gathering his bag, he slowly walked the remaining couple of blocks to reach his home.

As soon as he rang the doorbell, his kids came running and his wife opened the door. They all smiled at him and hugged him. He hadn’t anticipated this and was slightly taken aback. Still trying to gather himself, he pushed along with the family into the living room and settled down with them. They were still holding tight on to him.

After a couple of minutes, as the heartbeats settled down and calm returned, he looked up. His wife was crying happily. His kids were still glued to him, not leaving his side. One of them spoke, “We missed you so much Papa, where were you? We thought you wouldn’t come home today.”

He looked at his wife puzzled. She pointed to the clock. It read midnight. She explained that as usual, they had been expecting him since dinner time and when they couldn’t reach him, had asked his colleagues. No one knew why he hadn’t reached home and no one could place him. They had all been worried and had been biding their time for the last few hours.

Looking askance, he asked “It isn’t the first time that I have returned home late. Why this strong a reaction from all of you?”. And then he remembered. It was the monthly family dinner. They had all been eagerly waiting for him to come back home and celebrate with them.

But he, foolishly had let a temporary setback at work affect him so much that he had forgotten his date with his family.

As they embraced each other once again, he realized that even if everything else fails, he has his family along. And what to make of the day is unto himself and only himself!

As per estimates…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We all have a perception about ourselves. Of what we stand for, who we are, how we are doing, and so on. How does this perspective compare with what others think of us?

This week, this question came up repeatedly in front of me. In the form of some interactions, what I was reading, watching. Almost seemed like all roads leading up to it!

Interestingly, I wasn’t compelled to think about it too much until today, when in the evening, watching the brilliantly made movie, Coda, I realized how much of an influence it has on us as an individual…

All of us gain awareness about self at a pretty early age. As we grow up, that persona only becomes more refined. Of course our experiences and surroundings shape that up but we hold on to it because that’s who we believe we are.

During specific phases of our life, this persona is confident and in the right place. What we do or don’t, is generally agreeable to others. But in a lot of cases, this perception doesn’t match. Sometimes, we go overboard with the self-evaluation and end up on the wrong side. Worse, some times, we underestimate ourselves and believe we aren’t as good as we are, robbing ourselves of the experiences we should have.

It’s not just about how we evaluate ourselves. It is also about how others look at us. At rare times, the people around us believe in us more than we do and at other times, we inspire little confidence in others.

It is also about how we view others around us. And how we are evaluating them. Because at times, we consciously or unconsciously slot someone in a particular category based on our biases, our world view, or just on the basis of what others say.

Whenever the perception balance tilts to one side, it causes disruption. And distortion. Within us. For who are we if not a product of the society and the people around us. If they believe in us more than we do, it creates a lot of pressure. If they don’t believe in us as much as we do, it creates frustration and anger or sadness.

As I thought about my own journey so far, all these three have occurred in varying degrees. I have had good confident runs, have learnt a couple of hard lessons being overconfident, and have had occasions when I felt overwhelmed or not up to the mark.

Some of the biggest learnings in life have however happened when I have conquered mine or other’s underestimation. When I have had to challenge myself to achieve what I or others assumed wasn’t possible or doable.

The key then is in our hands. If we feel underestimated or below par, it is up to us to raise the bar. Or if we underestimate someone incorrectly, it is up to us to accept them when they raise their bar.

Because, as per estimates, we will be on the wrong side a lot of times!

Who’s the Leader?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I was awestruck. There we were, enjoying ourselves on a short vacation, when my 6 year old mentioned something that made me pause and think hard.

As it happened, we were just back from a boat ride at the resort and were taking a walk near the river side and talking amongst ourselves about random things. It must have been a couple of innocuous things that children do, for which we would have told the little one to not repeat. The moment we said so, she replied, “Mumma, Papa, you are not a leader and you shouldn’t be telling me about what to do and what not to do”.

Taken aback, I asked her, “If it is so, then are you a leader already and will you decide what you should do?”. She replied, “No Papa, none of us are leaders. Only God is”.

It took me a minute literally to grasp what she said. It must have come from her mind based on some random conversation she would have had with her friends. But it was profound and made me think more about it.

As those words continued to run in my mind for that evening, I realised that one part of it couldn’t be truer. That we aren’t and cannot be leaders all the time and should stop behaving as one…

True for those who run an organisation or a team. You may be leading a team or a function or a company but it’s not because of only you that work is happening or progress is being achieved. There are many contributing factors and we ought to keep that in mind, lest we believe too much in ourselves and in that over confidence go down the hill.

True for those who run a family or behave like a leader just because they are older than the others in the household. We may be grown up enough or may have seen more years under the sun but that doesn’t give us a right to lead in all settings. Indeed, there are instances when the younger ones know much more about something and they must show us the way.

True for all of us who assume the leadership role naturally because we have been told that being a leader is what counts. Indeed it does if we know the stuff. If not, it pays to let others take the lead and show us the way.

Conversely, a reminder for those of us who think they are junior or not experienced enough and shy away from leading. For they may not have the numbers against their age but they have something that others may not – enthusiasm to try new things and less fear of failure. And others could genuinely benefit from their leadership in unknown situations.

After all, while leaders can be born or made, it pays to learn all the time to lead better when the right opportunity arrives!

Boundaries

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

These days, I have found a new avenue to brighten up my evenings. A stroll on the rooftop terrace of the apartment where I stay.

It is an invigorating way to spend the evening. As the sun is setting down, strolling through the terrace makes for a calm and soothing time, away from the daily chores and pulls and pushes of work. It not only lightens up the evenings but also acts as a source of inspiration at times, watching the sun go down and the cool breeze blowing across.

This saturday, as I was indulging in this new pass time, the hues on display in the evening sky were magnificient. The sky was overflowing with different colours and shades and it seemed like a symphony. To engage my little one with some activity, I asked her to absorb the scenery and paint it once she is back home. As I was asking her to do this, I noticed that the sky seemed to have lost all boundaries that day. And it just became more beautiful to see and get engulfed in.

Later on, back home as she was absorbed in the painting, I took up some reading material saved in my reading list for some time. As I glanced through that list, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of that material was about boundaries.

Boundaries that we are experiencing and noticing all around us. Whether in the war going on right now or the controversies appearing in different nations. Whether in our culture today or the conversation for tomorrow. Be it about caste or race, be it about income or power, be it about stardom or success, or be it about privacy intrusion or obscurity.

In our present world, these boundaries are being created artificially. Understood superfluously. Applied randomly. But followed quite rigidly. Leading to a lot of intended and non-intended consequences.

We are moving into such tightly defined philosophies that we are becoming intolerant. We are becoming so blind sided that we are not able to fathom the other side’s perspective or the mistakes of our own side. We are getting so enamoured by what we believe in that we are ready to do whatever it takes to keep the status quo, challenging nature which only knows how to change.

So, while we may be hyper connected and socially networked, we are poorer off with the missing perspectives and the necessary camaraderie required to live peacefully. We have accepted these boundaries somewhere in our sub-conscious mind or have learnt to live with them as normal.

Perhaps time for us to learn from the natural elements and try and blend in more, keeping our thoughts and opinions aside. For when we do that, is when we get to create symphonies so strong that it paints our lives in all those hues that I saw in this saturday’s evening sky!