Social Behavior

Independent or Dependent?

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This weekend, as I was reading my newsletters and some interesting articles on the web, I came across a brilliant piece by a HBS professor, Clayton M. Christensen (Link at the bottom). The article had appeared in the HBR July 2010 issue and really spoke to me.

Subsequently, during a casual conversation with friends, we were discussing about family ties and bonding and went into the territory of dependence/independence.

As I reflected afterwards, an important thought formed shape – How independent or dependent are we?

To think through the topic, I went through my own journey in life…

I was born and brought up in small towns in the central part of India. Had a joint family and stayed with my grandmother and uncles and aunts till I turned 12. Even after that, although I stayed with my parents wherever they moved, life revolved around the joint family, with cousins and extended families and their support.

Only post my school, I stepped on to the outside world and started living on my own. As I have progressed with my career and then my own family, distances have increased, meeting with the extended family and cousins have become infrequent, and life has generally been getting busier each passing year.

Now I am sure, this is happening with many of us in India. It is a common phenomenon in the developed world where nuclear families have become de-facto and children move out of the home to get on with their life once they finish school.

We call this independence and take pride in how we are now handling our matters without anyone’s help or interference. Nothing wrong with that. But we forget that within this independence lies a dependence.

In the earlier social milieu, our joint families supported us, our cousins kept us company, our grandparents ensured proper upbringing. If not the joint family, the community and it’s support used to carry us forward. But now, with no such support system in our cities, we have become much more dependent on our spouse than earlier.

As our children grow up, they will pursue their careers and move out to different cities and countries. And we, who raised the child(ren) will be left behind, possibly to take care of each other for a few years/decades. Without too much of a support system / people around to help out.

And in some cases, as evident from the rising differences between couples and growing rate of divorces, the past few decades/years were spent in a race which pulled the couple apart. So may not exactly be a support system in some cases. Then what?

I am not espousing or eschewing any side here – just a thought that I reflected upon today and thanked God for the support I have got till now and for my family. And reminded myself of how I need to keep building and strengthening my relationship with my wife and daughter and continue my bond with friends and family for years to come!

PS: link to the article is

https://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life

Women – the better halves!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Parenting has its gift of insights.

Yesterday, while with the family, a small incident led me to think about how important the role of a woman is in life…

My little one dotes on my wife – she is her mother, friend, guide, everything rolled into one. I am important, but just so. And so, every time there’s something that goes wrong, she tends to cling to my wife and I only play a supporting role at best.

My wife on her part, tries to do her best using all her abilities. But sometimes when the best isn’t enough, and I feel she is on the verge of exasperation and giving up, I get surprised as she comes up with one more trick up her sleeve and to my pleasant surprise, normalcy returns.

I cannot even imagine some of those tricks at times. And no, it’s not that I don’t try – I sometimes try too hard and fail. It’s a lot of times failing to empathise/sympathise with the little one. But it doesn’t come naturally to us dads.

So the minor incident yesterday led me to marvel at this trait of hers. And when I thought deeper, I could see that in my mother, sisters and aunts. In fact in some of my colleagues at work also.

Now that’s a spectacular trait – a woman, whatever her situation or circumstance, has the innate ability to sympathise and empathise with the child. And the same trait extends when she is with her husband, her father, her brother. Or in her career.

She might be busy like hell or totally focused on something else but you can count on her to immediately refocus, empathise and get to the root of the situation within a whisker, something we men can only wish for.

Not to say that men don’t empathise or sympathise – I am just making a comparison here in terms of whether it’s an innate ability or not. And hands down, women are better.

Honestly, that’s better off for us men too – otherwise who would understand us, allow us to be ourselves, handle all our idiosyncrasies and behaviour, and still take care of us. We would be lost without our moms, sisters, wife.

Same goes for the workplace – women are better co-workers, leaders, and influencers. And when we work with them and appreciate and respect what they bring to the table, we are better off and win together.

It’s time we understand and appreciate the women in our lives. And the others whom we work with. Specially now, when women are taking upon bigger responsibilities and managing not only the household but also their careers.

I am certainly learning to. Perhaps not so much when I was growing up or even after getting married. But definitely after becoming a father.

Kudos to the fairer and stronger gender!!!

Well Informed or Well Read???

~ Rishi

The newspaper guy knocked on the door. Bill time, I said. My wife made a mild protest – why buy a newspaper when you can read things online or use phone apps. Valid argument. But then, there are pros and cons to everything.

As I paid the newspaper bill, I muttered why it feels better to read a newspaper. But there’s been something else that’s been behind my urge to continue with a newspaper in this digital era.

And no, it’s not the idea that I need to hold a paper and read it as part of my morning routine – I ain’t the paper types – have switched to Kindle instead of stocking books long back.

There was a time in between when I had moved to online/apps to get my daily dose of news and views. Twitter was exciting and fun with instant views and counter-views. And of course, there were the numerous apps from all news channels and publications that I read on a daily basis.

But as I spent time on those news apps and on social media to get my fix in the intervening years, it slowly dawned upon me that I was also wasting a lot of time being led astray or just being consumed in the news world. Using these apps a couple of hours a day was fanning an addiction within me to stay connected and up to date on what’s happening across everything in the world, just because it felt good. And it was taking me away from reading meaningful stuff and instead cluttering my mind with things that weren’t really required to be there.

So, after those years in digital news Lala-land, last year I decided to reduce my screen time on these apps. I deleted all but one of those news apps from my phone. I looked at all the sites that I visited often and chose a handful that offered me real, meaningful stuff and subscribed to their newsletters. And I absolutely cut down on reading news on social media.

Now I login to the news app for reading about once or twice a week. I still login to social media everyday but to wish birthdays, look at what my connections are up to, and to connect in a real sense. But my dose of news now comes from the newspaper – concise and once a day. It keeps my perspective fresh without urging me to know everything that’s happening instantly.

The benefit – I have started reading much more of the meaningful stuff. From the newsletters/digests I get. From platforms like Wired and Inc42 and Medium. I have gone back to reading books on diverse subjects and broadening my horizons.

This has perhaps made me aloof from the social media and the incessant views and opinions on almost everything. But it has definitely brought back some semblance into my life.

Well, the reason for this rant is two-fold – I was today running through Twitter and felt the urge to hop into those views and counter-views but remembering my decision, stopped short and was forced to think on the subject. On a different note, I met someone yesterday who reads 100 books a year and as I was reflecting on the conversation with him, it occurred to me that how the number of people who are reading have increased but it’s got more to do with the urge to be informed than being knowledgeable.

And I had to write about how I escaped that spiral. About how the switchover has been a real life changer for me by decluttering my mind space. And in today’s fast world of numerous commitments and stress, that’s definitely been a relief.

As I close this piece, I hope that we all read and learn better and grow in our chosen paths to become well-read and not just well-informed.

Unnecessary Facades

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

Some might equate it with jokers but for those who haven’t had the privilege of watching a circus (yes, it’s a dying business), just the word ‘behroopiya’ would be good enough to explain what I want to convey here.

In all walks of life, in all circumstances, you come across people putting up “unnecessary facades” – gestures/acts not at all required but for sounding prim and proper. You would always hear people saying “Yes, that sounds great!” when in fact you might have uttered a crap-load; just smiling, nodding and agreeing with you rather than putting you in the right place; sounding hollow and placating in order to avoid a confrontation; being so-called socially adaptable in your face only to say bad things behind your back.

In fact, people are adept at making others feel comfortable. Oh, you know, it does not sound good to be transparent or blatantly forthcoming to others! Some people mention being ‘straight forward’ as one of their weaknesses – “I think I am rather direct with people and get into uncomfortable situations … I am working on it by thinking before speaking my mind out or reacting blah blah blah…” And of course, it is social impropriety to behave in any adverse manner!

This might be more prevalent in certain parts that are famously out-spoken or fashionably subtle and you would find heaps of stories and chuckles (about how this particular region behaves)… But it is a behavior practiced almost all across the world. From the US of A to the Kangaroos of Australia, it finds prominence in the modern society.

On one end, you see politicians and celebrities almost on the border of perfection in all their appearances. On the other, some of the uneducated/down-to-earth/innocent people, away from the glaring public eye are called the unsophisticated tribe who speak their mind! If someone is forthcoming, we like to rip them apart for transgressing our social norms and being blatant – “how could he do this?”

But the phenomenon is not limited to social behavior. Look at politics – false promises, hollow measures… Look at films and media – always the epitome of such behavior. Look at sports – people being more concerned with how they look and how they speak/behave rather than playing… It’s all over and is fast consuming one and all. Even small-town people and villagers try and be sophisticated and ‘prim and proper’ now-a-days!!!

I was wondering why does this happen? What makes us go into this complicated shell and build unnecessary facades? It occurred that this seems to be a modern phenomenon probably less in vogue in the rugged old word where you were taken on your face value and judged by your actions rather than appearances! And it is only growing in the new-age social-media led world.

Thinking through, I realized that it starts off from our childhood days. We train children to behave in this manner right when we start grooming them. We teach them how to be ‘prim and proper’ so that we are not embarrassed in front of others during social parties or get-togethers. Then, as the child grows up, we advise him to learn the worldly ways and behave with sophistication – “you never know beta/beti, whom you might come across and be in need of in future”. So naturally, by the time the child reaches adolescence, he/she is groomed into the accepted social norms. And off they take to make the world a more subtle place…

But the question remains – why do we need to get into unnecessary facades – can we not be ourselves and truthful? Can we not just say whatever comes to our mind and act according to what we think is correct? Do we actually need to please all people or be content with our actions and take the forth-rightness in our stride?

Just think about it – if all become one, we probably would find the world to be a much better place – with all false promises removed, all diversionary measures dropped and all hollow talk being replaced by fruitful action; all posturing being substituted by concrete talk and results; all lovey-dovey things being consumed by reality. And that would probably be the time when you could talk to me and tell me that I am boring you like hell with such a post and with this blog!

Private is in!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Sitting in the cafeteria, having breakfast with a friend who had once told me he liked my blogs (however infrequently I might update them) got me thinking about writing again! And just as a coincidence, the topic appeared…

A lady trying to find a place in the crowded environment came to our table and pulled up a chair but then realized that she might be sitting too close for comfort and instantly, as sort of second nature, proceeded to find another, more secluded or should I say a private place – somewhere she wouldn’t be obtrusive or feel so…

On a deeper thought I realized this has almost become second nature to us. We seek privacy at all times and at all places unless it is absolutely necessary to share! We always seek privacy as if we are discreet lovers longing for a hideout…

And this phenomenon is wide spread – people don’t wish to share their possessions – be it their personal belongings, their material possessions (but they would definitely like to show it off), their friendships, their joys, sorrows, worries, anxieties and so on… Oh, it makes you look so uncool!!! We even think that if someone is sharing something with us, there must be an alternative/ulterior motive behind the gesture…

This privacy has made inroads into the society so much that it’s considered improper to view it abjectly. “Why do you care about how I live my life” – is the answer we hear quite often from all corners and from all age groups!

I don’t know whether this is right or wrong, nor I am in a position to pronounce my judgement, having been a victim of this ‘privaria’… But it does take effort to think what can be done differently to make us all human again – social animals who love to share!!! Some food for thought…

Oh and btw, this is being blogged from my iPhone – another symbol of pseudo-socialism, where you are closer to friends through Facebook and Twitter rather than in person… But oh my, I love this device as it at least lets me be in touch with the private society and invade others privacy 🙂