Author: Rishi

The Unknown…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s summer time. At least in Bangalore, where I stay, summer has arrived. The sun is getting hotter every day and the fans have been switched on.

With summers, comes the love for water. Cold water. And as it happened this weekend, the love for swimming in cold water.

Most covid restrictions now lifted, kids in the society I stay in, decided to take to water like a force unleashed. Combined with a new instructor ready to teach the new ones, it was fun and frolic in water like not seen in the last 2 years!

Today, as I took my daughter to the pool, and watched her have fun while learning the basics, it was interesting to see how the small kids were reacting to being in the water. It so happened that at the same time I was also talking to my father in law. He being an ace swimmer, we were chatting about our daughter’s classes and he was narrating his experiences with kids while teaching them how to swim.

We talked about how the experience with water can be a lot of fun for some but can also be terrifying for others. The ones who enjoy being in that water, swear by those experiences. The ones who are terrified or in it for the first time, aren’t as happy and may want to avoid it the next time.

Long after we had come back home, that conversation and those scenes from today’s splash in the pool remained with me. And showed me some light…

All of us have our own way of handling things. Things that we feel good about – those which we know or can relate to – we handle them with ease. Things we don’t feel good about – those which are strange or new or unknown – sometimes confuse or terrify us. We gravitate towards the first kind and try and steer clear or are less receptive to the second kind.

However, according to my experiences and perspective, life doesn’t get built by doing those easy things. They can anyways be done. What makes or breaks us and our life is what we don’t know about – the unknown. Our experiences with them and within them and our responses and behaviour in those moments teach us a lot and help us grow.

And yet, while this simple thing is known to all of us, time and again when we are faced with the unknown, we grapple with and within ourselves. Not knowing what we should do and whether we will do the right thing. A lot of times, in that fear of the unknown, we shirk the path less travelled and stay our current course.

Back home, when these thoughts played out in my mind, they opened up my vistas. There was something running within me for the last few days, which was troubling me because of it’s unknown nature. I wasn’t sure of what I should do. I was perhaps thinking a lot and becoming confused in the process.

As I cleared the fog in my mind today, I realized that while there may be unknowns, it is best for me to move forward and give it a try. While there is a balanced chance of it not turning out as promised, there is also a good enough chance of it leaving me with an enriched experience.

After all, as someone said, life is one big adventure and we must try something new and unknown all the time…

Boundaries

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These days, I have found a new avenue to brighten up my evenings. A stroll on the rooftop terrace of the apartment where I stay.

It is an invigorating way to spend the evening. As the sun is setting down, strolling through the terrace makes for a calm and soothing time, away from the daily chores and pulls and pushes of work. It not only lightens up the evenings but also acts as a source of inspiration at times, watching the sun go down and the cool breeze blowing across.

This saturday, as I was indulging in this new pass time, the hues on display in the evening sky were magnificient. The sky was overflowing with different colours and shades and it seemed like a symphony. To engage my little one with some activity, I asked her to absorb the scenery and paint it once she is back home. As I was asking her to do this, I noticed that the sky seemed to have lost all boundaries that day. And it just became more beautiful to see and get engulfed in.

Later on, back home as she was absorbed in the painting, I took up some reading material saved in my reading list for some time. As I glanced through that list, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of that material was about boundaries.

Boundaries that we are experiencing and noticing all around us. Whether in the war going on right now or the controversies appearing in different nations. Whether in our culture today or the conversation for tomorrow. Be it about caste or race, be it about income or power, be it about stardom or success, or be it about privacy intrusion or obscurity.

In our present world, these boundaries are being created artificially. Understood superfluously. Applied randomly. But followed quite rigidly. Leading to a lot of intended and non-intended consequences.

We are moving into such tightly defined philosophies that we are becoming intolerant. We are becoming so blind sided that we are not able to fathom the other side’s perspective or the mistakes of our own side. We are getting so enamoured by what we believe in that we are ready to do whatever it takes to keep the status quo, challenging nature which only knows how to change.

So, while we may be hyper connected and socially networked, we are poorer off with the missing perspectives and the necessary camaraderie required to live peacefully. We have accepted these boundaries somewhere in our sub-conscious mind or have learnt to live with them as normal.

Perhaps time for us to learn from the natural elements and try and blend in more, keeping our thoughts and opinions aside. For when we do that, is when we get to create symphonies so strong that it paints our lives in all those hues that I saw in this saturday’s evening sky!

“The Price”

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It’s been 20 years!

20 years have passed by after that moment when I first heard those words from a senior doctor’s – “It will be better for you to accept and get medically boarded out”.

The year was 2002, I was in the Military Hospital in Pune, having been on bed for more than 4 months. Hospitalized due to a cervical fracture, holed up with fellow officers, it was a feeling of helplessness, without a clear view of how my life post hospitalization will shape up. I had had multiple conversations with the doctors and while my condition had improved slightly, it was a long road to full recovery ahead.

It was then, during one of those mildly cold mornings, when the senior doctor visiting me broached the topic. I was taken aback. It wasn’t something I had prepared myself for. But he told me with a lot of clarity that while I will pay the price with a few lost years, it will be better for me in the long run with a lot of options outside the armed forces.

I took sometime to discuss, deliberate, and get convinced on the path ahead and ultimately decided to pay the price of those few lost years. I came out, adapted myself to a new life, and have had a lot of great experiences over the years. Have I lost out on something? Yes, probably a lot would have happened with my life if I had decided to stay back in the Army. But then, I took a call and decided on the price I want to pay.

As I was reflecting on this passage of time this week, I realized that we constantly take decisions and choose between multiple options, each of which extract a price.

Most kids who take up a sport seriously and choose to focus on it as a career option, pay the price of going through a disciplined regime, when other kids their age are enjoying a carefree life.

Most bachelors who choose to move out of their parents home and go to a different city for career prospects, pay the price of living uncomfortably when they could have had a more easier life.

Most people who move to a different country forego the familiarity of their own place and people they know, to venture out into the unknown world.

Those who decide to work in a role or job that is demanding, pay the price by handling stress and possibly later on with their disturbed health.

The ones who in their old age choose their home town over living with their kids, pay the price of being away from their son/daughter and their grandchildren.

It doesn’t mean that the price that we pay always takes a toll on us. It also gives us a lot of things. The kid who plays the sport well and learns lessons for life, irrespective of whether she goes on to become a champion or not. The bachelor who matures faster than the others his age and makes a mark on his own. The immigrants who gain great exposure and gather new experiences in a distant land. The professional who earns a good income and respect in the industry. Or the elders who enjoy their later years surrounded by people they have known over the years rather than being in a new place.

It is our willingness or reluctance to pay that price, that determines how our experience turns out. For if we choose whole-heartedly, we will make something out of it. If not, we can turn into a dud.

The last 20 years have taught me a lot of things. But the most important thing that I have learnt is this – whatever I choose whenever in my life, I must live that option completely, without thinking about why I chose it or what if I had chosen the other options. And definitely not worrying about the price I have to or had to pay on this path.

Makes life simpler and fuller…

What Changed?

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Picture this. It is somewhere in the 60’s. A person is sitting on a bed is listening to the radio, which is the primary mode of entertainment and connection with the outside world (apart from newspapers ofcourse).

The radio is playing an advertisement and right after that there is an announcement from the future by one of those mad scientists. The scientist proclaims that in the near future, we would be able to see live video feeds in our homes on a world-wide network which everyone plugs into and it will become our go-to mechanism for everything.

What is the likelihood of the ordinary man with his radio on, believing in this? I would like to think, very less. He may just ignore it all as rumblings of some stupid mind. He would proudly proclaim radio as the best thing that happened in his generation and get on with his work.

And now imagine that person, old, perhaps in his 80’s. Sitting in front of an internet enabled TV with a smartphone in his home controlling the experience. It has turned into a reality. So long for his proud proclamation about the simple radio. Heck, he can now login to any radio channel in the world and listen to it!

This is change! Guaranteed, destined, and having arrived within a single person’s lifetime.

What is amazing is, this ordinary person adapted to all the changes life and society brought on over the years. His life became better (or worse?), it became easy (or more complicated?), and it became more liveable (so we claim!). All those advancements, not just in consumer technology, but in every other sphere of life, resulted in massive shifts. And this person lapped them all up!

We, in this day and age, have stopped questioning what is possible technologically and have rather started to take bets on when will it happen. The pace of change has hastened over the last couple of decades and continues unabated. And we continue to adapt to it in the same rhythm, to make the best use of it as per our understanding.

And yet, the change which is ever so welcome in our lives, hasn’t yet permeated to the same levels in our individual thinking about how will the evolution be in terms of social context, behaviors, and motivations. We still believe that what has happened with us, the way we have lived our lives, is how the next few generations will also experience it. It has been true for most of us but there is no guarantee it will stay the same for our children and beyond.

This week, as I was talking to a friend about how the lives of our children will unfold, I realized that I subscribe to this theory of societal change and therefore, want to consciously not plan too much for it. Not that I have anything against supporting our daughter as she grows up. It’s just that I don’t really know how her life will unfold or what motivations will guide her choices.

I don’t know how she will want to live out her life. If she would even want any help from us. Will money be a useful metric for her or not. Will she want to have a stable career or be someone who would rather accumulate experiences doing multiple things. Will she want to have a partner or not.

I could go on with the questions. But you get the drift.

The choices she will make, I believe, are surely going to be different from the ones that aided my decisions. And it doesn’t make sense for me to plan for too much but rather adapt myself and support her in the way that feels apt for that time and to her mind.

Don’t know if what I am thinking is the right approach or not. What I do believe though is that our relationships and the society will surely change in the next 60 years, just like it has for that person who is now in his 80’s…

Love and Longing…

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was the summer of 1999. I had just finished my 12th exams and was awaiting results.

With my eyes clearly set on joining the Armed Forces, I had not been preparing for any other competitive exams and therefore wasn’t too engrossed in the coaching classes as my other friends were. With a lot of free time to kill, I had gone to my hometown to stay with my grandmother. My Dadi.

She was my first love.

My parents tell me that she absolutely adored me from the day I was born and took special care of me. And I was so fond of her and attached to her that I would rather stay with her than go to any other place, even with my parents.

As I grew up a little and my parents moved to different places, owing to my father’s transferable job, it was because of her that I stayed back in my hometown. It was also my parents confidence in her strength and character to nurture and bring me up without having to uproot me at that tender age.

So, while my mother shuttled between two places and my father stayed alone at times, I was sheltered under my Dadi’s watch. She just didn’t take care of me but also taught me a lot of new things. Those formative years that I spent with her are forever etched in my memory.

Once I turned into a teenager, my father finally decided to move me from the hometown to a new place where he was posted. Although it was a difficult decision for both me and my Dadi, it was perhaps the need of the hour for me to have new experiences and learn new things.

The next few years we stayed in 2-3 places, and during all that time, we constantly visited our hometown for important festivals, special occassions, or simply over the weekend. In that period, as I made new friends and moved through middle and high school, I realized the importance of the lessons she imparted to me, which helped me grow as an individual.

All this increased the respect I had for her, multifold. While we were not staying together, I used to still cherish spending time with her on our frequent visits or whenever she came over to stay with us. We used to talk about myriad things, I used to tell her about what is happening in my life, tease her for her constant fixation with all things pertaining to running the house, play board games with her, and take care of her as she was growing old.

Naturally, in that summer of 1999, when I had nothing better to do after my exams, I decided to travel and stay with Dadi for a few days. During those days, she was constantly worried about the next steps in my life. I tried to explain to her my choice and the reason why I had chosen so. I also tried to assure her that she needn’t worry as I was a grown up boy now. It was finally my father who patiently explained to her my choice and convinced her about it. Finally, as she reluctantly calmed down, I heaved a sigh of relief, almost behaving as if I was through the selection process.

That evening, as I waved to her on my way out, something strange churned within me. We had both always been sad about parting, even if for a short while. That day, however, I felt high emotions. I remember thinking about it on the way and feeling uneasy. We eventually reached our other home, a hundred kilometers away, at nightfall. Winding down after dinner, I remembered her sad face and slowly settled down to sleep.

It was alas, the last time I had seen her alive. For that same night, we got news of her demise. We packed again and went back. I recall seeing her still body lying on an ice slab and everyone around crying and sobbing. Strangely, there were no tears in my eyes. Just plain sadness. I sat down beside her and prayed for a few minutes. There were enough people at home, although it was early morning, and a lot of them were consoling us.

But I had absolutely no tears. I was dumbfounded. It was my first experience of seeing someone who wasn’t alive. And that too, my beloved Dadi.

As a couple of hours passed in that trance, I kept rethinking about the last few days I had spent with her and various memories kept flashing across my eyes. It felt as if sitting across her, I had just been watching her sleep, like I used to do at times in a mischievious way to spook her. The only difference being, she could not respond now.

That’s when it hit me. That I had lost her forever. And that she would never be back. Realizing that, my dam burst, and it must have been for 30-40 minutes that I couldn’t stop my tears. Finally, I gathered myself and we performed her last rites later that day, bidding her body the final goodbye.

It has been almost 23 years. And yet, the memories still linger on. Her body may have gone but her soul persists in my concious and sub-concious mind. I remember her in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my stories to my little one. And I am sure, she does too, somewhere in the universe. For as much as I loved her, she loved me much more!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dadi. As we celebrate the week of love, I must call out to you again, love you forever…

What does it Matter?

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The past week at work, I engaged on a new task, which was the first time I was doing such work. While it was exciting and enriching to do it, at the end of it, as I gave it finishing touches and shared the final copy with other stakeholders, a thought came to my mind.

“What if I had not done a good enough job”.

As that thought crossed my mind and stayed put over the night, a lot of aspects got evaluated. Whether my work was thorough or not. Had I taken care to structure it well. Was it impactful. And so on.

As I entered the weekend, I sat down to understand why this was happening and why did I need the validation I was seeking. It isn’t that I am afraid of reviews or comments, I actively seek them to improve my work output. This validation was a different kind – my mind looking for a positive acknowledgement that I had been able to get a new thing right, in my first attempt itself!

Was it because I was in a relatively new place and needed to prove myself (ok, 7 months old but still a relative newbie)? Or was it because it was a new kind of work I hadn’t done earlier (and perhaps it wasn’t for me)? Or was it just my mind playing tricks with me unnecessarily (it can do that sometimes)!

As I delved deeper, I realized that a lot of times in life, we seek external validation. It may be for things we want to do, decisions we have to take, or the manner we want to live life. Whatever it may be, we naturally feel better if someone else says a good thing about our thoughts or work. Or in a few cases, resistance or criticism forces us to improve ourselves or change course.

But does it make sense to do it? Is validation really important in our lives? What does it matter?

Well for one, it helps us stay within the limits of what others define as appropriate or correct. It pushes us to adhere to the established norms and do our best within those. It also makes our thoughts or work more acceptable.

On the other hand, it restricts new and fresh thoughts and approaches at times. It forces us not to stray from the beaten track, possibly resulting in mediocrity or less optimal outcomes. It also makes us risk averse and focused on immediate gains over long term benefits.

Maybe, it makes sense to seek validation in case we are completely unsure about what we have done. Or if we are doing something which is very critical and can benefit from other perspectives. Or if we want to take everyone along to achieve the common objectives through consensus. In other cases, it only adds more stress to the mind and heart and makes us jittery. We may be better off just doing our thing…

As the weekend ends, I realize that there will be times when I won’t be sure if what I have decided or worked upon is right or not. But then, even if it isn’t right, life will give me a chance to correct it and learn from those mistakes. And if I am even partially correct, it will help me improve my results by course correcting on the things I was wrong about.

Trusting myself and moving forward, I believe, will teach me much more than just feeling happy about others validating my work or thoughts!

Mentors

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Defined as someone who is an experienced and trusted advisor, it is a heavy word. Not only in gravity but also in intent…

A mentor helps us understand that which we don’t, and guides us to make sense of what is happening and what can happen. Often in situations that have us in a bind or cannot fathom.

In my professional life, I consider myself lucky to have had 3 such great people, whom I have turned to for advice and guidance. Having worked with them closely and having known them for a good time, I know they always have the right intent while talking to me. But what has helped me and motivated me to seek their advice is the fact that they empathize with me but at the same time show me the reality.

Over the last few years, as I have grown professionally and aged personally, there have also been instances when colleagues / friends / cousins have turned to me for advice. And while I wouldn’t venture as far to call myself a mentor to them, it is often a case of someone reaching out believing that I will hear them out and throw some light from a different perspective. This weekend, as I was generally recalling some such conversations, I was astounded by the responsibility they had or continue to bestow on me each time they reach out to me.

It is fascinating to think about, your persona assuming enough importance or gravitas for someone to talk to you about a seemingly difficult aspect of their life. It is enthralling and actually quite easy to give advice, for even if you have not come across that situation, you can always say something that may make sense.

But it is hard. And requires deep thinking if you really want to do it genuinely. Because the other person giving you this resposibility is expecting the right intent and empathy from you. Not only that, the advice they are seeking could help them become better or worse. And knowing that, suggesting the right way, with a personal touch, isn’t easy.

As I looked back at some of my interactions with my mentors and reflected on their suggestions, I was thankful they adviced me well. A lot of those conversations helped me not only immediately but continue to ring in my ears whenever any similar situation arises. Gratitude!

Qualities that hopefully will be by my side, as I go along and get more opportunities to help others…

Who to listen to?

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This week, while spending some time with our daughter, we had an interesting problem to solve. We were having a conversation and while chatting about her room’s furniture, I told her that she should listen to us as we are older to her. She had a curious look on her face and rather innocently asked me, “Shouldn’t I also get to decide sometimes?”.

We chose to finally go with a mixed approach, combining both what we thought was good and what she wanted. But this made me think about the journey we have as an individual in terms of listening to others and taking decisions for ourselves.

We all go through different stages in life as an individual – a child, teenager, young adult, a spouse or partner to someone, a parent (well, for most of us), and then as our old self. Each of these stages teaches us something new but also forces us to think about who should we really listen to and how we should decide.

Like when we are a child. During that period when we are growing up, we are supposed to listen to what our parents say and ask us to do. Most of the times, we don’t decide for ourselves. But as we start approaching teenage, there are often situations when we are told something by our parents or well wishers, which seems contrary to what we want to hear. And while a lot of times we may do as told, it feels like “why am I doing this, when I would rather do this in some other way”. In these situations, we try and find some way of getting what we want. Some of us even rebel and decide that we must choose whatever we want to do with our life, without the interference of anyone. While some of it may be childish, it definitely helps us set ourselves up for the next phase in our life by slowly forcing us to think about what we want.

For as we grow into an adult, we are expected to decide on things on our own. Most of us, in this phase become more independent and choose and decide the way we want to live. This new found independence is a breath of fresh air and we make the most of it. We get into relationship(s), start earning, and travel to places we want to go to, giving us a new perspective about life. We mostly listen to ourselves in this phase, overruling others and following our heart, learning our way through life.

Then, as most of us get into parenthood, life takes a full circle. As our children grow and we guide them but also let them discover for themselves, we learn to adapt. There emerges some understanding within us that at times, it is better to listen to what our parents, elders or well wishers have to say. We start understanding the need for a guide and well wisher. At the same time, we also realize the need for the child to develop her own thought process and build herself. And this gives us a new perspective about how to balance who we should listen to. While we are still our own person, we learn to listen at times and understand the other lens.

Finally, when our children grow older and enter teenage / adulthood, we start working with them as partners and slowly start relying more on their decisions. This new phase teaches us new things about how to decide for ourselves but also factor in the choices of others in our plans. And how to take everyone along in a positive direction without fussing about the details. This is when we let go of our independence at times to let others decide for ourselves, knowing that they have our good in their heart or mind when they are making that decision.

This shift in perspective from being a child to a parent and then to an elder is just amazing. It rounds up our journey of development as an individual, shifting us from the dependent to independent stage at first, and then helping us switch gears between the independent and semi-dependent orbits, as the situation demands. It not only changes us an individual but also our approach to life.

This is why we call it maturity. Because, it takes time to mature. After all, character doesn’t get built in one day!

Superpowers.

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There are times in life when something unexpected happens, which may not be good but still turns out well…

Earlier this week, as I got detected with the famous virus that is fast becoming a long friend with humans, I experienced one such moment in life. Unexpected, uncalled for, unhinging.

And yet in some ways, reassuring.

I know there is a dichotomy here! Let me explain…

As I tested positive with only mild symptoms and then progressed well on the way to recovery, it was a few days of “taking it easy”. In these last few days, isolated in a room with nothing else to do except reading, watching, listening, and thinking, I got ample opportunity to reflect on some of these life’s vagaries.

What definitely helped was that no one else tested positive at home, and my symptoms were mild enough to not worry. Perhaps someone else with the virus but with difficulties or higher severity may not empathize with what I am saying here. Not disrespecting them. I have all the sympathy for those who have had a tough time. But then, all of us have our own experiences and perspectives and I am recounting mine.

So coming back, as I was speaking to a friend about how I was doing, we conversed about how this can be a blessing in disguise. He mentioned that I was now endowed with a superpower against the virus and I could now be less worried about contracting it for at least some time. While I listened to his statement and laughed it off, I realized that is was true scientifically. And that’s the reassuring bit.

But as I thought deeper about it, I realized that life offers us opportunities to gain these superpowers. Specially so, immediately after something unexpected has happened.

Like after we are down in the dumps and have had a massive fall, we become aware that the only way from there is up. We let go of our fear of failing anymore and set our sight on succeeding again. Superpower to control our own destiny and of those who are associated with us.

Or after we have had a health scare and decide to be fitter and take our health in our own hands. We let go of our unhealthy lifestyle, change our habits, and discipline ourselves on an everyday basis. Superpower to improve our life at all costs and live longer.

Or after we come out of a self-imposed bout of anger and jealousy post a big fight and decide to mend ourselves to not go into the same direction again with the same person or with others. We slowly learn to control our mind and behavior and not get flustered in such situations again. Superpower to help ourselves and others in all situations.

Or after we let go of lethargy and inertia and pick up the pen/brush/lens or whatever tool we may have in our arsenal, to devote time to things we love to do. We enjoy those few moments spent in creating something or working on the hobby we find pleasurable. Superpower to be happy at all times and live well.

These are all superpowers because we want them in our life at all times, with all their might. If given a choice, we wouldn’t part with even one of them, ever.

The interesting thing is, all of us have had these superpowers at least once in our life. But somehow, implored with life, we chose to give them away. Unknowingly. Unwittingly. Unintentionally.

Hopefully, the next time we gain any of these superpowers, we recognize the opportunity and don’t let them go off into the ether…

How far would you go?

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On everything? Really. Have we thought about it?

On life. Should I want to live life king size at all costs and be ready to do whatever may be required for it? Or should I be ready to draw a line somewhere and stay within that for my own heart’s sake?

On work. Should I compete with all others and do everything that’s required to reach the summit? Or should I balance things with a perspective of reaching where I intend to reach, without considering myself in a race?

On relationships. Should I do everything to take care of my relationships and maintain them, come what may? Or should I accept the strain or tension that some of them may imply, either vitiating myself or severing those ties, if it ever comes to that?

On health. Should I adopt habits that help me take care of myself for years to come and be conscious of my lifestyle choices even at the expense of my happiness? Or should I not worry too much about it and enjoy things that I like and live as I want to, postponing the worries to sometime in the future.

On wealth. Should I focus on earning more and saving more to ensure I can live comfortably later on? Or should I spend on things I want right now and assume the future will sort itself out and we will cross the bridge when we get there.

On ethics. Should I always have a upright stance on everything and morally do the right thing, even if it lands me in trouble or pulls me back? Or should I be ok to tweak things a bit to benefit myself in the spirit of being always successful?

On feelings. Should I be straight forward with them and let them be visible to others, even in difficult times? Or should I hide my true self from the world and put on a game face if required?

These are all difficult questions. Perhaps with no right answer.

This week, as I went through life in the wake of the new year, some of these thoughts occurred to me. Not in terms of making decisions about these points myself but generally, as something that I haven’t thought about explicitly.

Yet as I reflected more, I realized that most of us make one or the other choice on these spectrums in different points in our life. Some of these choices are made explicitly and some implicitly.

What matters is the understanding of the mechanism we use to make these choices – the inner workings of our head and our heart, combined with our circumstances and the atmosphere around us. Along with complete ownership of our decision and consciousness about our choices.

For that helps us be truthful about whether the choice we made was right or wrong, depending on the results and the path it led us to. And more importantly, allows us the freedom within to not be trapped eternally within those choices but to make corrections if needed or choose the next fork in our life’s journey…