Author: Rishi

Happiness!

~ Rishi ~ 2 Comments

It was a bad day. I had made some mistake at work and wasn’t very happy about the matter. It was evident on my face and in my behaviour and made me erratic that day.

I blasted off at home and kept sulking. Until I discovered it was really affecting me inside.

As I rolled back to the start of the entire matter, I realised that the mistake I made was a genuine one and wouldn’t have been possible for me to avoid then, although I now had learnt something in hindsight and possibly shouldn’t be making it again. And as I unraveled the past and discovered that it was fine for me to be frustrated by the outcome but absolutely unnecessary to have taken it so harshly, I realised something for myself.

That I had compromised my happiness and of those around me for a day, when I could have just accepted my mistake and learnt from it and moved on…

I know it is seemingly easy to say so, specially in written words, than to practice it in our daily life.

We set a high bar for ourselves and for those around us. We expect more than it is required sometimes. And we believe things will fall in the right place, as we desire.

But life is not so straight forward. Plans fail. Peoeple fail. Expectations aren’t met always.

And when that happens, which is pretty much everyday in between the myriad things we do in our daily routines, it is disappointing.

Now, some of us have a zen like nature and detach ourselves from the outcome pretty much once the task gets done. But most of us have a tendency to swing between the highs and the lows, depending on how the tide turns. While it is natural as human beings to be disappointed due to these failings, it also deprives us of the small joys of life. And keeps us away from happiness!

Happiness that could have meant a few more smiles on ours and other’s faces. That could have led to a few more nicer conversations. That could have helped us live through the day and the week much more strongly.

Much worse, it actually creates a double void and instead of swinging us to the happy side it makes us sad and takes us to the other extreme. Where we feel desolate and worn out. Where we take down our ship along with those near to us. And demands that much extra effort for us to get back to the normal.

Perhaps, it is because we grew up. Life happened to us!

Because, when I look at children, I realise that they don’t let these swings be so dramatic. Yes, they get upset soon and raise hell sometimes but also mellow down quickly and get back to being happy!

Probably, because they know that whatever made them sad was only temporary and will go away. And that they have others who would take care of them. Or probably because they realise that it is not worth it. It is just better to move on and live life focusing on other things. Finding happiness elsewhere, in something that would be better to do.

May be we just need to stop feeling old and be a child again to be happy more than often…

Ego!!!

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Ego. It’s a perplexing word, defined as as person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Encapsulates so much in just 3 letters. Holds the worth of self together. And can mess up so much.

It is pervasive in the human race. And sometimes in animals too. Helps animals to behave like humans at times and definitely pushes humans to behave like animals a lot of times.

Something that gives us a sense of pride in self, acknowledging how far we have come in our journey. And something that can easily blind us as to where we have to go…

Builds up from what we have done in our lives and who we are. And ebbs when we know there is so much more to do. A special feeling that when subdued or challenged can work wonders for people and propel them to greater heights. And when unhindered, can lead to downfall of even giants!

Makes us feel worthy to go out and do what we have to. Devours us from inside and stops us from doing right when the worth becomes more than the sum total of all its parts.

Makes it possible for a child to stand up in the world and make a place for herself. Makes it impossible for some adults to continue building from where they are.

Builds relations and bridges between communities. Destroys even long held friendships and camaraderie.

Leads to mutual respect for one another. Also leads to hatred and enmity between friends and lovers!

It’s something so fascinating that can push nations into solidarity and oneness. And something so hideous that can cause wars between two.

Is that one thing that all of us aspire for. And yet, when we have it figured out, some of us lose it all and start behaving in a fashion which no one should aspire to.

And in spite of so many dichotomies, as we all live our lives and go through the grind, we develop it, nurture it, and utilise it as we go along. What matters is whether the nurturing and utilisation is positive or negative!!!

Culture and Beliefs…

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On a road trip this weekend, with the car speeding on the highway, wifey and I engaged in a discussion on culture. While the trip ended soon after, some questions remained in my subconciousness for the entire weekend – How it germinates? How it builds? How it lasts? It seemed fascinating to understand these hows and as my mind raced around these questions, I decided to try and decipher them through my own experiences…

I have been part of a few organizations over the years. Right from a heirarchical organization, to structured but intrapreneurial setups in a couple of organizations I worked for, to rigid siloed operations in a couple of others, each one of them had a distinct culture.

When I look back now, a lot of it was espoused by the people at the top and percolated down to the bottom. Which comes from the theory that culture germinates from the top and trickles down. We often see leaders as the ambassador of the organization and equate the company’s culture with their mannerisms. I certainly have gained a lot of my cultural leanings from those people at the top I worked with.

However, it isn’t always an effect of the leadership following or espousing a certain manner. I believe it is also through the experiences that those people and the teams had in the formative years of the organization. What it led them to believe or disagree on, and what they gained out of those experiences, shaped up the culture of the team and the company at large as it grew.

Yet another theory I examined is that culture also shapes up based on the kind of work the company does and the people the teams engage with on a regular basis. If the work is done on the ground and with a lot of struggle, it leads to appreciation for people and situations vis-a-vis things which happen at a very high level without too much of a deviation. I experienced it first-hand in the startup world running my own business and interacting with others and believe it is also a contributing factor to some extent.

Whatever is the germination of the culture or the way it builds up, it is only when those tenets last for a long time that the culture seeps in all the nooks and corners and becomes symbolic of the organization at large. And with the passage of time, it gets ingrained in every new person fairly quickly. That’s when it begins to last!

As I reflected on all of these thoughts, it occurred to my mind that we as human beings also develop in our life and build our beliefs through similar processes. We depend on our parents and elders to pass on a certain culture and values to us when we are in our formative years. Our years at the school under the guidance of teachers and the influence of friends shapes us as we grow up. The experiences we have in our adulthood define our behaviour and disposition.

Those beliefs then help us shape our life going forward and get passed down to our family members and children. And shape up our society at large.

What matters most is how malleable those beliefs are – are we flexible enough to change them if there is a good ground for the change or are we rigid and hold them as unchangeable irrespective of whatever happens. Because that is what governs our responses to situations in life and improves our longevity and sanity. In the same way that a company’s sustenance and longevity is dependent on how it’s culture shifts with the changing strands of time…

That Small Town Feeling…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I grew up in small towns in the central state of MP in India. It was fun. It was also a lovely time and a great atmosphere to grasp the worldly ways!

For us, going to school was always a 5-10 min bicycle ride – rushing like hell in the early morning and loitering around with friends to make it back home in 30-40 mins in the afternoon. Many school friends used to stay in the same neighbourhood and were known to families, or in most cases not further than 1 or 2 kms, so going to play with them was also quite easy in the evenings.

Traffic was less. We always had playgrounds and clear paths and roads to walk, run and cycle on. I remember we used to play hide and seek on our bicycles with the entire neighbourhood of 1 sq. km. as the play area, riding like crazy into the various lanes and bylanes. Or played cricket in the bylanes till late without too many disturbances. Or played street games for hours together.

The neighbourhood was always buzzing with community events. People staying in a locality had their own ways of going about their daily lives and mingling with one another, cooperating on every small matter to support each other. Those on evening walks would walk up and down the entire neighbourhood and meet people at designated spots to chat a little. And ofcourse there were the parks and benches around them, filled with all age groups going about their activity of interest.

With everything within accessible distance, everyday chores were never a botheration. Get out and walk or ride a little and we would get to the place we intended to. Markets and shops were known so it was very easy to get things done quickly. And without any mad rush, except for festival times, we could go around and return with all to-do tasks completed in an hour’s time!

There weren’t many cinema halls or entertainment options and with television just starting to catch up and cable/satellite tv just launched, it was a common scene to see people from 2-3 houses huddled into one place to watch the daily soap operas or news or the sunday afternoon movie. In fact, going to the cinema hall was probably a quarterly event, with most of us relying on VCRs and VHS tapes to catch up on movies.

In short, life was simple and stress-free, full of happiness and laughter. Not just for us children but also for adults I observed. People used to be back home by early evening and had all the time to spend with their families. There was more in-person catch-up and it was usual for even uncles and aunties to gather together in the evening in groups for a cup of tea and some chit-chat. Meals were always a full family affair, with everyone enjoying each other’s company and talking about myriad things.

As I look back at those times with fondness, I miss them a lot. All of those small things taught us as children how to enjoy the simple things in life. It taught us the importance of bonding with others and working with people unlike ourselves to meet the common objectives. The community feeling instilled in us a great pride of belongingness and friendship, helping each other in times of need. And all the time spent with others made us care and understand more.

I don’t know about the cities and how they functioned then, but I am sure from whatever I have heard from some of my friends who grew up in bigger cities, they had some of these elements in common. Life was quieter and routines less punishing. And with lesser number of people, they managed pretty well in all the hustle and bustle surrounding them.

As we have grown rapidly over the past few years and urbanized with double the speed, that simplicity has been lost somewhere. Cities have transformed themselves to an always on, rush inducing mesh. Towns have grown bigger and busier. People have moved out or have been displaced, filling old places with new entrants. They have also become less forgiving and more self-focused.

All of this has led to a complete change in the way a child sees the world today. Gone is the simplistic view of the world. Children today grow up watching their parents and family members go through every day stress. They themselves hustle and bustle their way through a day with school, multiple classes, attention divided by personal gadgets, and so on. There is less time for bonding with others and too much time focused on oneself. Communities are a forgotten concept or reduced to small dwellings or apartments. And care and understanding for others has been reduced to a rubble.

It isn’t encouraging. With such a world view that a child sees in her early days, it is but natural for her to be self-focused and less accomodating. She likes to be on her own rather than mingle with others. And with everyone in the house busy with something or the other, it is the loneliness that engulfs her space which reduces the strengths of the bonds she has with her own family.

Time for us to think about the kind of future we want for ourselves and for our kids…

Near yet far…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The highlight of my week was Missus and Daughter returning after a couple of months at my in-laws. It was an anticipated event for some time now, with the return planned earlier this month, but the sheer high of seeing them in person after 2 months was indeed exhilirating.

I met them at the airport and as we spent time talking about all sorts of things on the way back home, it was refreshing to have that familiar buzz back in my life. And it reinforced my thoughts from earlier this week where coincidentally, I had personal conversations with a couple of colleagues and friends around the theme of family and their closely knit nature. We had discussed about how as a family we always strive to stay close and together but sometimes it becomes necessary to move out to a different place for professional or personal reasons. And how that impacts the bonds within the family.

As I reflected back on those conversations and my own experience over the weekend, it occurred to me that most of us by design want to stay close by, in a comfort zone. That allows us to predictably live our lives and be the support system to our family that we want to be. That’s our basic necessity, to be loved and cared for, and to love and care for others we are bonded with.

However, there comes a time (or some times) in our lives, when we are left with no choice but to separate from them for a given period, owing to work or studies or any other personal matters. And when that happens, how we keep that bond strong constitutes a great deal of how the family functions in the years to come.

I have seen it first hand. My father was in a banking job and had to move every 2-3 years. In the initial years of his service, when I was young, he always moved to new places alone, preferring to leave us in our home town with the extended family. Ofcourse it helped that we had a joint family and everyone was closely knit. But I sometimes wonder how he managed to serve his work requirements and still place family on top priority to ensure that they always had him nearby whenever needed. That is one of the reasons why we are still as closely knit as a joint family even today, although everyone stays in different places.

Today, with a better connected world, a lot of us travel and stay for work in a different place, leaving our families behind, as an accepted practice. However, we as individuals or as a society, often neglect the long term consequences of this movement to our family life. Be it the warmth and shelter that a family home provides, or the cosy feeling generated by being near our loved ones, or the simple fact of having someone to talk to, we do miss a lot in life.

Some of these are things that we often let go in our quest for a better life or career. We console ourselves that it is only for a few days/months/years and we will go back to a better life. And with all the communication tools to talk, see and hear each other, it is just like normal. However, it is not the same. Being in person as opposed to being virtually present isn’t always the same thing. Specially, when it comes to families.

With the kind of busy lives we lead these days, as time passes by and everyone gets busy, somewhere priorities shift. Perspectives change. Bonds start becoming weak or breaking up. Until we make an extra effort to keep up the normalcy and the intricate bonds connected. Or we build a ground to stand up on together, near yet far.

Or better still, we move our families (or ourselves) nearer, to partake in the new life we are creating for ourselves and for them…

Special-i-fashion!

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Reading books is always special. Even if it isn’t too good a read, you take away something from it. But in a few cases, you read a book that strikes a portion of your brain deeply. And that stays with you for time to come.

This past week, I finished reading a book titled ‘Range’ by David Epstein. It’s about the fundamental premise of what is better – depth or breadth; and the author makes a case for breadth over depth, or range. As I read through, some of the examples stuck a chord…

Now, I am a person who has always valued breadth or range more, which is perhaps the reason for me liking the book more. But as I looked back at my own life and thought through on the experiences, I realised the breadth of experiences I had have helped me shape up to what I am today. And even though some of those experiences were not to my liking, they have nevertheless made me.

That’s true of other friends and acquaintances too. I see that those who have had varied experiences and gone into different directions have a much better point of view on new things and are never hesitant to take upon a challenge. It’s not that they have any more confidence than someone who has been focused on only one subject matter. But somehow, they intrinsically believe in themselves and are ready to try their hand at something new and give it their best shot.

Not to take away from those who focus on depth, I think such people are equally important to have by our side. Whether it comes to medicine, or any other aspect of life where specialization is the key to success, focus on depth is what separates the best from the rest. And in such fields, specialization is what matters the most. However, for the rest of us, normal folks, varied experiences count for much more.

What surprises me the most though is that having gone through a wide learning curve ourselves, when it comes to our children, why do we always try and push them towards some specialization. I have seen a number of parents pushing their child to focus on only studies or only sports or some form of art. There is a lot of noise in the media also with this constant messaging to focus on developing skills in children as early in their lives as possible, which doesn’t help!

Even when children grow up, we try and steer their career choices and push them to take decisions early in life, when they perhaps aren’t ready to decide whether they want to be a specialist or not. And in that haste to get them to settle, we perhaps take away the rich experiences that they could have had on their own.

Or for that matter, our young professionals. I fail to understand the urge for people to specialise early on in their careers. While it may help them get paid more or land a better role/company, it for sure constrains the field in which they can operate in. And while they may achieve all the success through the specialized route, wouldn’t it be better to have a larger field to play in initially and narrow down your choices as you grow along?

As I reflected on these topics and thought through, I realised that it is upon us as individuals to decide how we want to take things forward. For self and for others we are responsible for. While specialization is in fashion, how do we let it wind down it’s own course and take decisions naturally rather than forcing them.

Specially for our children. It is contingent upon us to give them the breadth of experiences that they can get and let them choose their path by themselves. Even if it means they fail a few times. For what is failure if not an excellent teacher!

Sprint or Marathon?

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I was caught on the wrong foot. Having run it like a sprint for the past few years, I had suddenly realised that life was a marathon!

All of us have our own thought processes about how life should pan out for us. And what should it lead to. As I came out of b-school and started working, I came to a conclusion that my life had to be in the fast lane and lead to massive success early on.

The next few years were spent chasing that dream. I set up my own business, worked extra hard, and burned myself going that extra mile to achieve success.

While the business did give me success and satisfaction, it was the thrill of being your own boss and running something for yourself that kept me going through a gruelling schedule and running the sprint.

It wasn’t until I decided to close down my business after 3 years and the hectic activity slowed down, did I start noticing that there were some gaps in my theory…

For one, I had neglected my health and had serious trouble on that front. I had also not been able to spend as much time with my family as I would have liked to. And I had spent most of what I earned, living life in the fast lane!

It was devastating to know that I had been running the race all wrong. Forgetting the dream that I had nurtured and closing down the business was in itself a painful process. Adding to it were all these other factors which were making me realise that I had been mistaken.

The next couple of months, I spent in introspection and thinking through on what went wrong and right for me. And while I carried rich experience that I couldn’t have got anywhere else, I realised that I could have run the race differently and had a more wholesome life.

After all, life is not a race to be finished, like a sprint. It is a marathon to be savoured and felt, going through the easy and tough phases. And it is above all an experience.

As I re-integrated with the corporate life again and got back to work subsequently, I made a quiet resolve that I will never be lured into running a sprint again.

And while the last few years have been busy, at the bottom of my heart and in my mind, I am running a marathon rather than a sprint.

As I spoke to an ex-colleague this week and we talked about this aspect of life, it made me realise that I have to keep course correcting myself from time to time to ensure that the bigger picture is not lost.

And to continue to live life to the fullest possible, enjoying the scenery and the road!!!

Social Levels

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We all live in a society. And the society has its peking order. That’s what we have all seen in our lives. And that’s how we behave mostly!

This weekend, as I finally finished watching ‘Rome’, a series covering the history of the Roman empire during the times of Julius Ceasar and Octavion Ceasar, I grappled with these thoughts in my mind. While I always enjoy history and the stories that it tells us, it was most interesting to study the intricacies captured in the series related to different social levels, ranging from the nobles to the senators to the plebs (common people).

As I thought through, I realised that the same structure has been theorised in all the ancient cultures, whether it is Indian (recall Shabri in Ramayan or Karna in Mahabharat) or others (circa Rome). It is as if all through our history, people have always been divided into social levels based on who does what or who owns what.

And that’s been a cause for strife. Whether the fights that have happened through the ancient history centered on religion, or the wars and battles in the medieval history emerging from the fight for ownership, or the revolutions in the modern history focused on rights, all have one thing in common. The oppressed and the downtrodden have risen and revolted against those who are in power or are better off, to take back what they think is rightfully theirs.

Now it’s not in my domain to comment on what or who is right or wrong. People have fought and continue to do so because we humans can’t live with each other for long before disagreeing.

But what I realised is that before all of this, when we were still evolving and had to survive in the wild jungles, there surely wouldn’t have been so called ‘social levels’. Yes, there would have been a leader of the pack (assuming animal behaviours that I know of), but otherwise it would just have been an equal footing for everyone. All working together to fend off danger and survive to the best of their abilities.

As an analogy in our current world, often when we are faced with a danger, we group together and fight it, forgetting if the others are of the same social level or not. People who aren’t likely to sit together, help each other in crises like a terror attack, a flood, a famine etc. But go back to normalcy, and the camaraderie also goes away…

These social levels permeate our behaviour in many ways. Whether its deciding where to live or what to do and how, we all try and abide by the societal norms of our level and aspire to grow to the next level. Be it in our kid’s education, or the company we wish to keep, or the way we change our conduct as we start progressing in life. Even when it comes to marriages, we solicit a match for our sons/daughters based on our social level and seek someone higher up if possible.

This psyche unfortunately divides us into splinter groups as a society. And creates fissures. The servant or maid who works for us doesn’t get the same opportunities for his/her family and while serves us faithfully (?), despises us and secretly wishes to rise up and show us some day that s/he is an equal. Or the people who assume an air of superiority and try and showcase their “upper class”, leaving some of us jealous of their success and ready to do anything to reach the same status.

Does it really help us as an individual or family? I don’t know. It probably is a very superfluous mirage to hold.

What it definitely does is create a sort of dissatisfaction within us about why we are not at the next level yet. And that’s troubling. Because, that takes away our happiness and the beauty of our lives in the present…

Perspectives and our Feelings…

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There are perspectives that we have. About ourselves and our life, about others and their life, about things happening all around us. And then there are perspectives that others have about the same things.

On a recent road trip, with a long journey ahead of us, I engaged in some delightful conversation on myriad things with a friend. One of the things we talked about was perspectives. As I thought about the conversation later on, I realised that a lot of our life is governed by and around these perspectives. And it led to a couple of questions – “Would we have a different life if we change our perspective? And is it a matter of alignment of perspectives that leads to mutual feelings”?

Now, all of us are entitled to ours. That’s what makes us unique. But that is also what defines so much about what we feel and how we feel…

If we talk about our personal life, we base our decisions on what our perspective is about the present or the future. We take decisions based on that – like marriage, family, house, children’s education, what to spend on, and so on. These decisions could lead to further perspectives that may change our outlook but nevertheless each of our decisions are based on our current viewpoint.

Coming over to the professional life also, the decisions to work, to quit, to change a job, to continue, or to take up or shun additional responsibilities is based on the perspective we hold about our colleagues, the company, the outside market, etc.

However, whether in the personal or professional arena, these perspectives and the decisions resulting from them are also a function of what the other party holds. For example, certain decisions can be taken by a husband and wife only if they are both aligned. Otherwise, they would never be able to agree and come to the same conclusion. Similarly, in the case of an employee, her career choices depend on what is the perspective that others hold about her. If there is a misalignment, it leads to the contrary.

A times, we refine our perspective based on what the other party holds. And when that happens, the alignment leads to a joint or mutually convenient decision. For example, to become friends again after a fight. Or to continue in the same job even when you have another offer in hand. This alignment of perspectives leads to a feeling of happiness and progress. Whereas, when we disagree on our perspectives and there is no alignment, it leads to disagreements, disputes, and even separation in some cases. Generating a feeling of sadness and discontent.

Is this the case all around or are there exceptions? I don’t know. I haven’t thought so deeply. But what I did understand is that while we have the power to change our perspective, it is the alignment with others and the feelings it generates within us that we should be watching for. If the feelings are negative for a long time, perhaps it’s time to change. Either our perspective or our life or both!

Getting Together

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Man is a social animal. Aristotle said so and we all have displayed great affinity for it for as long as we have been alive. Very few of us have the will to stay away altogether from the society. With Covid nearing its anniversary celebrations in many places though, the last one year seems to have been a lost opportunity for social life.

However, this last week, with missus out of town and time on my hands, I spent time in getting together with friends and colleagues in various social settings. During a work trip, over a weekend party with fellow residents, and over a lazy Sunday afternoon at home. It was fun!

Not just because we could get together and have a good time but also because after a long hiatus, it felt good to be approaching normalcy.

It isn’t that we haven’t met people in these times. Most of us have spent time with family and friends as the pandemic has progressively become less deadly. But with the drudgery of work-from-home loneliness and with the umpteen precautions we have had to take, I have often felt that life has become slightly boring in general.

Before the pandemic, we used to meet our colleagues daily, work and perhaps have a bit of fun, apart from the various things that one could do socially over the week. Children had their school friends and those around their home to play with. Elders had visitors and a string of things to look forward to in their days. And as I think about it now, it made a huge difference to our lives. It gave us a sense of belongingness and togetherness.

With most of us working from home over the past months, life took a turn for the worse. While we get online and virtually meet others, in my opinion, there is still a distant and unspoken coldness about it, when compared to in-person interactions. And with those who are younger or older denied of their life’s daily pleasures, things have definitely grown dull all around.

And while the pandemic still isn’t behind us, these in-person get togethers that happened in controlled settings were a relief. It allowed us to speak out, hear others, laugh and joke around, and be ourselves again. Out of the confines of our boundaries, into the open.

To feel life flow through conversations again. To get to know each other that much more. And to feel happy about those moments passed with others.

In the new normal we will perhaps adopt more remote ways to work and interact. But I hope we also continue to create or get chances to get together with others, in a controlled environment, to create real memories…