Author: Rishi

Individual Identity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

After having dinner with a couple of friends this weekend, we went over to have a paan (betel leaf preparation). A casual conversation with the store owner bought about a new perspective!

We were standing and discussing about our hometown(s) when the store owner intervened in the conversation and asked us where we were from. That led us to ask him the same question, to which he answered Allahabad. We casually joked with him about the city, stating that it is where Amitabh Bachhan comes from and he must be happy to be from the same city. He confidently replied, “it is not I who is from the place that Amitabh comes from, it is he who comes from my place”!

His confidence was exemplary. Without a trace of hesitation he put across his point of view very simply but assertively. He reasoned that he considers Allahabad as his city, as he grew up there. And whosoever is from there, irrespective of the stature of the person, he considers them from his city and not vice versa.

On my way back, I recalled one such incident that happend with me. During the introduction round of my post-graduate batch, I had mentioned that I was from a town called Khandwa, which is famous as the place from where Kishore Kumar came from. A senior professor later retorted and asked me about why did I feel the need to qualify my hometown as such. I was not sure what led me to making that statement and relation then.

But as I reflected today, I realised it may have been because I wasn’t confident enough at that time about where I came from. Perhaps, looking at others who came from the big cities, I was intimidated. Or perhaps, I felt the need to qualify my statement to help others relate something to my place of origin and recall it later as easily as they would have remembered other places.

It was only later that I became comfortable in my own skin, irrespective of anyone’s presence or background; and confident enough to know that I can stand on my own in any kind of a setting. To see that level of confidence in the store owner today, was a refreshing feeling.

As that conversation played in my mind again and again on the way back home, I felt that this extends to not only something as basic as our place of origin or what is our background but to all facets of our lives. We always try and relate ourselves with people, things, events, etc. In a lot of those cases, we belittle ourselves by choosing to associate ourselves with others just to fit in or to make ourselves relatable. We forget that there is an individual identity we own that makes us unique. That uniqueness defines who we are, with each of us standing out in a crowd, rather than looking all the same.

I believe, the ones who understand this fact faster in life, have an easier existence than those who take time to come to terms with it. Accepting one’s uniqueness frees us from the encumberances of the society and allows us to freely express ourselves. It also leads us on a path where we are not at odds in different settings, helping us to give our best to whatever we are doing. And lets us be.

Hopefully our young ones, who are much more confident in their skin on almost all things, would reverse this trend. After all, individual identity is what we all strive for and what they ought to discover sooner than later…

Persistent Resilience

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes, what happens in a matter of days or even hours, scars one for life. And while time heals and life adapts, some scars remain and are problematic to get rid of.

I have had some share of disappointments in life but one such situation has been quite problematic to dissipate from the annals of my mind. It was about what happened with my business venture and why I couldn’t succeed in it, in spite of putting in my best foot forward.

As I winded up my business in 2014, over that painstaking first half of the year, I often spent my days debating in the head what went wrong. I got into a shell and became reluctant to share my disappointment with others. And while life continued and physically and mentally I moved on after a few months, that scar remained.

It would later manifest and trouble me in unthinkable ways – reminding me of my failure and making me skeptical of my abilities, taking me down the what-if analysis road where the possibilities I had seen but not achieved stared at me and making me feel worse, making me question if I was indeed on the right path, and so on. And the more it dwelled in my mind, the stronger the devil became.

I tried to overpower it and got immersed in work to pull me out of it. I spent time with my family and on other things I liked to do, to move my mind out of those stray thoughts. And while I had some success, there were still times, though with reduced intensity, where those thoughts crossed my mind and tried pulling me down.

Until egged on by my wife, I decided to stop feeling sorry about what happened and accept that the mishap could have been worse and that it was a good life lesson for me. I took out the good things from that lesson and stopped blaming myself or anyone else. I made my peace. And then slowly, the scar started healing. It is still not gone, but it surely is not as visible as before.

Sure, I did lose out on some opportunities and fell back a bit. I could not live upto the promises I made to myself and to others. But then, I realised that there’s more to life than one failure. And if I apply myself persistently and be resilient, I would be able to achieve something better. Success delayed but not denied.

As I drove around with a good friend yesterday, we talked about our scars and how we are dealing with them. He had a huge setback in life but due to his resilience and the persistent efforts he has made, he has got out of that zone and is moving ahead. Another friend has had a disappointing 2020 but is now determined to start afresh and has pushed doubts out of his mind and resolutely started seeking new opportunities.

Talking about such dismal things at the beginning of a new year may not be the most appropriate time. But for a lot of us, this is perhaps the best time to move out of whatever disappointing zones we have around us and forge ahead resolutely with a clean mind. For a happy 2021 and beyond…

Upwards and onwards then!

Expectations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2021 has started and so have a lot of us with new resolutions, commitments, plans, and goals. The last year was a mixed bag with its share of highs and lows. But one thing that I realised it had in common for a lot of us was a mismatch in expectations.

So while traveling back after the year-end vacation, after this reflection crossed my mind, the train of thoughts ran in related directions. And as I reached home, I firmed up what I ought to focus on in this new year.

Setting right and realistic expectations!

Over the last few years, I have set up some expectations with everyone – be it family or friends or colleagues. And while these expectations are a natural result of what my experiences have taught me over the years, I realised that sometimes they aren’t aligned well, resulting in heartburn or disappointment. Hence the following resolutions…

With my spouse, I have often had expectations of she understanding me completely without me being explicit about the subject matter. Though there is the old school love and understanding that this thought stems from, and it does feel good when it happens, I realise that its not always possible for her to read my mind and I ought to be more communicative sometimes. That I believe will not only help us understand each other better, will also allow us more talk, which is always a wonderful tool to bond.

With my daughter, I have at times tried to make her behave like a grown up and does things like I want her to do. Again, it is a desire to make her do right things. But at times, it leads to curbing her playfullness or fun. And so, I will henceforth let her be her normal self at all times and enjoy her childhood, while willing myself to accept her actions and reactions as a child rather than as an adult.

With my parents, I expect them to listen to me now that I have grown up. But I sometimes forget that they have brought me up and know better than I do and more importantly, have their own world view which I ought to respect. Therefore, I will change my expectations to ensure that I let them choose and decide for themselves, while offering all help I can to make their life as comfortable as it can be.

With my family members and friends, I expect that we stay in touch regularly. But that expectation is for me to also live up to. And to ensure that I communicate with them as much as I can to stay connected and meet that expectation on both the sides.

With my junior colleagues, I have expected them to be able to match my wavelength and do things in the way I do them. I have also expected that they understand what I am doing or why I am doing so. But I realise that each individual is different and as long as they are positively inclined to contribute, I should let them go ahead in their fashion and guide them to the best possible outcome. Hence, going forward I will let them be in the driving seat more and more, while providing the support that is needed. And I will communicate more and convey my thoughts to them appropriately to ensure that we are better aligned at all times.

With others, I expect them to believe me with all sincerity, while at times not setting the stage for that belief to be formed. I also expect them to be honest with me. So in 2021, I am going to act more sincerely and try to build bonds and relationships wherever I can, automatically leading to that belief and honesty in conversations and actions with whomsoever I may deal with.

With such a long list, I am not sure whether I am expecting too much of myself. But then, new year resolutions are meant to be taken to stretch oneself. Hopefully, I will be able to live upto my own expectations!!!

Worrying too much?

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OTT platforms are killing it these days. I was watching one such series on the 1992 stock market scam in India that has garnered good reviews, when the subject of this post came across through one of the dialogues by the central character. It has been 3 weeks since I finished watching that series but the dialogue has remained with me, with the protagonist mentioning “Worry is like death”. As it came up repeatedly in my thoughts, I spent some time deliberating on it with my own experiences and those of the others I have seen around me.

I have had a couple of troughs in my life. The first one was when I had to leave the Army while the second one was the phase when I had to close down my business. In both the cases, with the tide of time going against me, I started worrying a lot about what will happen, what will I do in the future, and so on. And at both times, I became bitter, had health issues, and pulled down those near and dear to me. Fortunately, I got some good advise and support from my family to come out of those situations.

Even with others, I have often seen how they have got jolted by mishaps and things that didn’t go as per plan. And while most of them have recovered from that setback and moved on to do better things in life, there have been few I know of, who haven’t been able to come to terms with it.

Why do we worry so much? And why is it that we feel so disheartened that we sometimes lose hope and continue to sink deeper? Why is it that some people sink so deep that they either chose to take the extreme step or continue to live their remaining life in the sink-hole? On the other side, what is it that gives us hope to pull ourselves back and get back on our feet? How is it that we can stomach all such upsets when we have support of others?

As I thought through my own experiences and those of the others I know, I realised that the answers to these questions are probably an outcome of the perspective we have on life.

Right from our childhood, we develop this perspective, which is a complex combination of the values passed on to us, the thought process instilled/developed during the formative years, the things that are taught to us directly or indirectly, and the experiences and the reaction/response to them that we imbibe in our instincts.

And while each one of us has our own unique experiences, some of the important things that determine how we will react to these setbacks in our life is the result of the upbringing that we have had over the years. Positivity breeds optimism in all situations and leads us to move on after the setback and redo/restart on the same/new path. Negativity instills fear and anxiousness, which leads us to question ourselves and doubt if we can move forward after such a setback, getting trapped in our mind.

With the world around us changing rapidly now and the uncertainity prevailing in every sphere of our lives, these situations will only become more common and the response to them will probably determine the future of not just us individuals but also the society as a whole. And therefore, I feel, its time we start looking at the glass half full and start encouraging others also to do the same…

The Real Power!!!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2020 is nearing its end. With this looming end, is the promise of the new. A new beginning. And hopefully restoration of the previous normal.

As we end the year, I thought it is in order to talk about why this year has been special. And no, I am not talking about the viral nature of the year!

This year has been strange in many ways. Whether it is the way we spent months altogether, how we socialised in the distanced and isolated world, or how we have tried to return to normalcy. But in my view, all of this strangeness has helped us understand one thing – who has the mettle to rise up when it’s time to.

And while almost the entire mankind rose to the challenge, I believe the real power was displayed by the womenfolk everywhere.

Right from the labs, where the basic premise on which the approved vaccines are based (mRNA technology), which was researched and developed by a lady, to the countless healthcare staff and people deployed on the frontline, we saw women leading the field and doing better or as well as their male counterparts.

But to me the most important area where women displayed that they can be in control of each and every situation was at home. In the way they handled and managed the shutdown of normal life and transition to the new messy setting.

From work, to working out, to taking care of the kids and household chores, to supporting the family in each and everything, women aced it all.

While they had ample and able support from a lot of their partners, and hats off to all of those who helped out, women were the master of the ceremony and they orchestrated it well all throughout.

Being on the other side, I worked under the supervision of my wife but also heard from the other women in the family, as well as observed those I could, to realise the enormity of this task. And it was gargantuan.

As the situation elongated and this new messy setting of having to deal with all things at the same time became the new normal for us, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that we have retained some sanity in our lives due to all the skills that were displayed by the fairer gender.

And as we enter the new year, I hope this exposition and exercise of power leads them to discover their true self and contribute in more meaningful ways and lead from the front in all matters of life.

Thank you mothers, aunts, sisters, wives, girlfriends, and daughters. And anyone else I missed out.

To women power then!!!

Family

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This weekend, I spent some great time with my cousins and close family while one of our sisters got married. It was a reminder about the power of small yet beautiful.

Keeping with the times, it was a gathering of about 40 people. We were all cocooned in a cosy resort for 3 days while trying to maintain pandemic protocols amid the wedding functions.

Initially, we weren’t sure about how the entire arrangement would come through. And if it would be as much fun as it is when a bigger gathering ensues. But as we checked in and the 3 days passed, the experience grew on us.

These 3 days taught me an important aspect of how we function as a family and how quality outweighs quantity in terms of time.

For one, while the scale of functions or the amount of craziness associated with big Indian weddings was missing, we got to spend more time having fun with each other. With limited people in attendance, functions got over faster, leaving us with ample time to fool around, catch up with each other, and spend quality time together.

And with the arrangements being taken care of beforehand by the amazing groom, we had less to worry and more to enjoy. It was like a 3-day holiday for us, looking our best, enjoying with family and friends, and having some good food and fun together.

Another important aspect was the opportunity we got to know people on the other side, which at times remains perfunctory and limited, owing to the constant flux of functions one after the other. With more time on hand, we talked to others, made new friends, and added to our fun factor.

While the size may have been smaller, the coming together of the immediate families and time spent in the 3 days was a reminder of the value the extended families have in the growing nuclear family scenario and how that support system is absolutely critical to have enriched experiences.

Even if not on account of marriages, such get togethers act like a good dose of life and are perhaps more required now, when we are all so caught up in our daily individual routines.

As we all bid our goodbyes to each other and headed to our respective homes, the aftertaste and fun moments continued to linger on through the journey back home and brought a smile every now and then to my face.

On to the next such get-together then, hopefully in better times!

Wow Moments!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We celebrated our 10th anniversary this week. And to celebrate it, wifey and I took off on a long drive. Perhaps to symbolise how far we have come…

As we got out of the city and headed down the highway, with no particular aim but to roam around and return back by the night, it was a wow feeling. In the decade that we have been married, as life has progressed through the paces, such wandering without an aim has been reduced to these seldom moments and so this one was after a really long time.

There were times earlier when we would just go around, with nothing particular in mind, just to spend time together. Especially before marriage, when we would meet on a weekend and try and catch up and spend as much time together. Even after marriage, at times, we would just go out and enjoy ourselves without the encumbrance of time.

But as life passed on, and we got more and more busy at work and at home, the aimless excursions gave way to specific outings. Going to the mall for shopping or movies. Or for a meal. Or to a park on a Sunday. Going out of town on vacations ofcourse had those moments but then again with a destination in mind. Long drives however had almost been relegated to the annals of history until this week.

As we took off and got out in the open, without a destination in mind or a time limit to reach there, or any specific task or work on our minds, it rekindled in my mind the wanderlust of yore. And as we drove on and kept going at our own pace, absorbing the surroundings and talking about random things, it was amazing! Without the trials and tribulations of everyday life, just going on without a purpose, was fun.

Living with each other, through thick and thin, deepening our understanding of and commitment to each other, the last 10 years have been great. But those moments together, when we don’t have a worry in the world and spend time together, are pure bliss. Those are when I experience the wow!

So, as I parked the car at home after the long drive, I resolved to do so more often. Hopefully, more such wow moments in the next decade…

Bored.

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

My 5-year old has learnt a new phrase. Whenever she feels that she needs to do something exciting and is not getting enough attention, she says “I’m bored”!

As the situation has progressed and months have passed, the utterance of this phrase has only increased. At first, we thought it was something new she had learnt from her friends and was just showing off. However, we soon realised that it was frustration at not being able to do a lot of things that she could do earlier.

The more I have talked to other parents, friends, colleagues and people, I have realised this is one side of the pandemic situation that we all are facing in common. Most kids, across age groups are ending up with this feeling of being bored.

With the schools closed and online classes becoming the new way of teaching, they are not getting that time they used to spend with their buddies at school. Naturally, they are missing the fun and frolic that the school environment allowed them to have daily.

To top it up, while they see their parents the whole day and theoritically have time to spend with them, with the parents being caught up in office work and household chores through the day, that window is very small.

And while, they play with friends who live in the same community or area, it clearly isn’t satisfying their need to be constantly doing something exciting and fun. And that’s probably the reason for the increased occurrence of the “I’m bored” syndrome.

As I was talking to a friend over this weekend and we were lamenting about this common issue, I realised that this is a problem that may have some long time repurcussions.

Specially for young kids who are in their formative years, the years which form the basis for their learning. About how to build bonds and friendships. About social behavior. About dealing with different situations on their own…

But try as we might, this situation isn’t changing quickly. And therefore, as parents, it is upon us to expose our kids to whatever we can, in the spaces we are confined to.

So that, when things re-open, they don’t find it awkward to get back to the normal life, like we used to have! Hopefully, sooner rather than later…

Suitability

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We Indians have many pre-conceived notions and beliefs. Some due to our traditions and some due to age old practices that are still prevalent today.

One of the biggest notions that I have encountered is that of getting girls married as early as possible. Even now, when girls are breaking all barriers and leading in most fields they chose to operate in, there is still this unsaid undercurrent that runs in most Indian families.

It is as if the prime responsibility of being a girl is to ensure that you get married. Hence, parents start searching for a suitable match as soon as they can and don’t sit still unless they find one. Or in a lot of cases now, until they accept the choice that their daughter has made for herself.

And while there are a few cases of girls choosing to marry when they believe is the right time for them, or placing career over marital decisions; in most cases, the tradition continues…

Therefore, those parents, who choose to let their daughters be and instead of pressurising her to get married, wait for the right time, unperturbed by the traditions and pressures of the society, deserve a special thank you.

For letting their daughter not be bogged down by an unworthy choice or a compromise. For letting her chart her own path in life. And for believing that even if she doesn’t get married, it doesn’t matter and is not the end of the world for her, for she has far greater powers in her to live a worthy life.

Because more than anything else, suitability is determined not by what the family wants but what the daughter wants. Unless she finds someone suitable and worthy enough to spend her life with, the family ought to support her choices and stand behind her. And even if she doesn’t find someone suitable, it’s fine.

I have seen a few cases in my family and have immense respect for them. And every time I meet someone like that, like I did this weekend, it inspires me with the thought that India is slowly changing and we are according more and more respect to the fairer and stronger gender…

More power to such girls. And ultra power to their parents!

The Festival Binge

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Festivals are a time to celebrate. To cherish. To meet and enjoy. Except that it has dwindled down from what it used to be for most of us…

When I was young, festival times in India meant round-the-year engagements. And with friends from all sects and religions, I used to have a gala time throughout.

It began with we launching into Makar Sankranti, transitioning to Mahashivaratri, plunging into Holi, moving to Navratri, Ramnavami, and Eid in the summer time, and then to Rakshabandhan followed by Janmashtmi and Ganesh pooja during the rains. Winters had their own charm with Navratri, Dusshera, Diwali and then Christmas.

However, the king of all festivities used to be the time around Dusshera and Diwali with the onset of winter season and the Christmas time with its 10-days holidays. With long holidays to go along during school times and exams still a long way away or having just finished, we kids used to enjoy this holiday period immensely.

I still remember those days fondly, when we would roam around with free abandon in the nearby localities, playing throughout the day with minimal home-work. The day used to start early, without someone having to wake us up, unlike the school days. We would meander from one playfield to another, one house to another, eating and having fun at every place, until the evening when we returned to our homes, exhausted.

As time wound down and we grew up, that group of friends started going their own ways. Once we graduated from school to college, the fun and frolic remained minus the madness. However, slowly in the transition from college to a professional life, that fun and frolic with friends also started getting limited. With new responsibilities, most of the festivals now are celebrated at home with limited get-togethers. Or given a pass altogether owing to new realities.

As I met a school friend today and we reminisced about the good old days, I realised that while there are limitations for us now and will possibly be as we grow older, there are always ways to make the festivities more interesting and fun with others.

And while we may never get to be a child again, it is important that we allow our children to enjoy the holidays and experience the same joyousness that we remember so fondly now!