Personal

“She”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

There she was. A young girl, trying to do something which would make her feel proud of herself. She was trying to set up and run her enterprise all by herself.

Something she could call her own. Something that she wouldn’t have to leave behind…

Someone asked, who is she? Someone else asked, whose is she? Is she a daughter of a known businessman? Or a wife of one? Or perhaps a sister of a hot shot tycoon?

The answers were all negative. She was a nobody, had no history or affiliation with anyone known and just wanted to run things independently.

Yet someone else questioned, how is she? Is she alright or is she insane? Trying to do something independently, when in our society she needs a stamp of approval and support from some man in her life.

Others remarked, “she must be naive, for surely this is not how our world works”. Some joked in front of her about her vanity and others talked ill of her and called her names behind her back.

The detractors were not just men. There were women too. Those who were content living the life that was, in their mind, granted to them by their father/husband/brother/lover/son.

And yet, she ploughed on. She encountered obstacles after obstacles, one too many to trump normal people. But she resolutely marched ahead.

People tried to block her way, threatened her with dire consequences for not following the societal norms, made life difficult for her. But she continued with a strong head over her shoulders.

Men refused to work with her or under her. Women reluctantly accepted and joined hands. She however, forged forward with only her goal in her mind.

When she failed, everyone cheered. When she had some small success, people wrote it off as a fluke. They questioned the success she got. And yet, she did not lose focus.

After what seemed like a whole lifetime, the work she was doing became indispensible. People realized that they couldn’t do without her work being a part of their life. They reluctantly had to accept that she had triumphed in her mission and all their misgivings were misplaced.

She finally emerged from the shadows and took her rightful place on the podium.

The “She” here could be anyone – Rani Lakshmibai, Mother Teresa, Indira Gandhi, Margaret Thatcher, Nadia Comaneci, Lata Mangeshkar, Kalpana Chawla, Florence Griffith Joyner, Marie Curie, Marilyn Monroe, Serena Williams, or the countless other successful and known names I couldn’t name here.

Or this “She” could be your wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, aunt, or colleague! Perhaps nondescript, perhaps well known, nevertheless someone close to you who has done well in her life.

Whatever “She” chose to do, was or is being well done. May be better than what “he” could or can manage!

And yet, we keep on questioning. We keep on doubting. We keep on interrupting. We keep on downplaying. And we keep on discouraging.

The real question is, how are you acting??? And why???

Those welled up eyes!

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Our eyes well up with tears for various reasons – grief, sadness, fear, joy, or even surprise. One occasion that this happens invariably is when we separate with our loved ones intermittently.

For some of us, it is easy to give into. For others, it’s something that happens only in extreme cases. Whatever it may be, it’s generally thought about as a sign of being overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions during that separation.

This weekend however, something happened that made me look at it in a whole new dimension.

As is quite often the case with our mothers, especially mine, when we were leaving this weekend after staying with them for more than a month, her eyes welled up.

I could see in her eyes the sadness of separating with us, even though we will meet soon enough. And while we consoled her and she let out a smile and happily waved us off, that picture stayed with me.

Slightly later, as I was waving off to my wife and daughter at the airport, I realised the same happening with me. Something that hadn’t happened before.

As I took off for my short detour before joining them later, I thought about and realised it was perhaps one of the very few times that my eyes had welled up while temporarily separating with my family. And the first time with my daughter.

It was natural. But why? What made it happen? All these questions floated mid-air in my mind.

Perhaps it was because I have got used to having her around all the time with the current work from home situation. Or it could have been due to the sheer fact that she was going to continue with others in the family while I had some lonely time to spend. Might have happened because of my anxiety about she being fine through the journey (my wife’s going to kill me!).

The answer came in an unexpected form!

While in the flight, I noticed a mother carrying her little one and taking him to the washroom. I was watching non-intently until I saw her taking extra precaution as she passed through the aisle and had to wait for the service cart to make way for her. The way she was holding the child, all focused only to protect him while getting the task done; while the child happily gazed all over and threw his hands and legs in all directions. As she went back, it occurred to me.

Our eyes well up at the moment when we realise that our child is going to go into a new direction different than ours, while we will continue with our lives.

For however short a span of time it may have been that they were with us, we were protecting them, taking care of their needs and helping them be their best self. And then suddenly, we realise we won’t be able to do that for a few days or months or years.

That they will be without us but absorbed in the new world they are going into. While we will get busy with our life but still worrying about them until we see them again.

And while it’s important for them to go into that new direction, how we so wished to have some more time together, being able to protect and provide for them and let ourselves feel complete.

Eyes are just a medium of expressing that anxiety. Those tears are a mixture of joy for the child and the void that it temporarily creates in our lives…

Choices

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Life’s about options and what we decide for ourselves about anything at a given point in time, is what a choice is.

Some choices are meant to be decisive and some innocuous.

Some choices are decided organically within us and some get enforced due to externalities.

Some choices are an outcome of what we have done in the past and some based on what we have to do in the future.

Some of them involve only ourselves and some engulf others also.

For some people, choices define them and for some others, they define their choices and their path.

How so ever it may impact us and whatever we may have done or do to arrive at what we choose, one thing that’s certain is that we have to make choices for ourselves and sometimes our loved ones innumerable times in our life.

What then should be our guiding factor to make those choices? Should it be the best outcome, the fastest approach, or the easiest option? Or should it be a middle road combining these three?

Over a conversation this week, I realised it has to be the one which makes us happy apart from being morally right. Sometimes it may be the one with the not-so-optimal outcome, or not the fastest approach, or not the easier road. But if it makes us or our loved ones happier and allows us to approach the subsequent steps with that good feeling in our mind and heart, it would have served its purpose.

For in one’s happiness lies the happiness of her loved ones and those surrounding her…

The Guiding Light

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

As a young kid, I had a couple of older cousin brothers. I had some excellent times with them while growing up.

I used to rely on them for a lot of things – the stories to hear, books to read, people to follow, and so on. And what they did or how they behaved was an important input in my understanding of what or how to do.

But the biggest thing I realised I depended on them for was to guide me in various things. It gave me confidence and assurance knowing that someone whom I know well is helping me.

It was that big brother relationship that helped nurture a lot of my experiences early on in life. As we grew up, that relationship grew stronger and it helped me further make sense of multiple things in life.

This week, as we were discussing some peculiar behaviours of one of our younger cousins and how he looked up to one of us, I realised that the behaviour mimicked mine while growing up. In fact for most of us, as we matured through the years.

For some of us, this person could be a big sister or a parent or someone in the family we look up to instead of a brother. Or it could be an elder at school or college. Someone who is our guiding light.

That’s perhaps why we seek mentors when we grow up and start working. To help us stay on track in our careers.

Or why some of us start following specific gurus or leaders as we go beyond youth.

Or why a lot of older people start seeking the almighty and look for guidance.

All of us are looking for that light coming from a source which illuminates our position and our path ahead…

The most important thing!

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

March 2001. With my course-mates in the Indian Army, we were all learning the basics of mountain climbing. As it so often happens, all of us, a bunch of rookies who were full of confidence but short on skill, were grappling with new things that were confounding us and increasing the anxiety of doing something for the first time.

While some of the drills were pretty basic, there was a lot of apprehension about falling down while rapling down the steep rocks or when climbing up using our hands. Then there was zip lining, which was a task unto itself and gave most of us goosebumps.

As we started getting into the act, the one thing that the instructor tried to drill inside our minds was that you have got to trust the rope and the equipment. We didn’t realise it in the beginning but as the practice sessions progressed, we realised the truth behind the statement.

Trust was paramount!

Unless we did that, progress was extremely difficult and slow. Some of us had our own trust issues but slowly we all gathered our wits and once that trust was established, it became fun and adventurous. We all enjoyed the entire camp thoroughly.

It’s been more than 20 years. Yet, that lesson got embedded within my being.

Trust is paramount!

In everything we do. Right from who we love, who we are friends with, who we deal with at business or work, what we eat, how we drive, to the many sundry things we go through in our daily routines.

It’s the cornerstone of our relationship with the other human beings or a group or a thing. It is what helps us move forward on anything with reasonable surety that we are heading in the right direction.

It is what we should be focused squarely on establishing. Right from the beginning. Through the relationship or process. And right till the end. Verifying and re-establishing it periodically.

And yet, it is something we usually overlook or take lightly. Sometimes, it happens deliberately. But most of the times, it is a slow erosion. We don’t realise it but suddenly after a period, all appears wasted and the common ground sinks and creates a crater.

It is hence upon us, as a party to any relationship, that we abide by the code and keep the trust high. In each and every transaction. For otherwise, we could end up down the road rueing what happened and how things turned out.

Unless of course, we want to cut it off…

of Preoccupations…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

This week was a blur. I was pre-occupied with something happening on the personal front.

That meant a lot of thinking beyond the obvious on what is happening, how to handle it, when to do what, and above all why should I do whatever I choose as the way forward.

As I spent the week surrounded by all these thoughts and running mental simulations and validating various hypothesis, it meant time between work or later spent in the pursuit. It was exhausting and refreshing at the same time.

And it helped me realise one thing – it is good to sometimes have some pressing preoccupations in your mind. Helps you feel challenged about certain things.

Prior to this week, I always used to view some of these pre-occupations as an issue interfering with work or something to be relegated to weekends. In doing so, I often pushed naturally occurring thoughts out or postponed moving forward until the weekend, which would then be spent crunching time and running a crash routine.

This time, somehow I let the thoughts flow naturally. And while it meant staying up late on some nights or ruminating about hypothesis during my morning routine, it allowed me to progress in an unhurried fashion and logically evaluate different aspects.

It was out of turn. Completely not me. And yet, this new approach helped me see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel in a controlled and faster manner.

The realisation that I don’t need to leave all the thinking on such aspects to the weekend and can manage it on weekdays along with work, also made me understand that preoccupations are not a bad thing after all.

Yes, if they interfere with your normal life or duties. Or if they completely take over and stop you from doing what you should be doing. Be it on the personal side or professional side.

But if they are controlled in a disciplined manner with clearly drawn boundaries between what has to be done as one’s duty and without letting them affect anything else, they can be a good segue into another direction that’s perhaps important to be explored.

After all, we cannot control what thoughts we have and when but we can to some extent manage what we want to do with them and how…

The 5 year plan…

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We have a special affinity to this term.

It was how India used to measure our progress as a nation – in blocks of 5 years. But it is also how most of us look at things related to work and life – what is our 5-year plan or view down the road? What is the horizon which we fancy considering and moving with?

Why not 10 years? Or 8 years? Or even 13 years?

I could never gather this nuance of why 5 years. Hence, when someone asked me recently, what is your plan 5 years down the line, I almost balked. Not out of disrespect to the person but due to the fact that I found it amusing.

In an age where our lives are changing every 2-3 years, and that too significantly, 5 years almost seems like 2 steps.

And yet, most of us plan not just for 5 years but even beyond that for 10-15 years.

Is it a good thing to do? I am not sure. But I have stopped doing that. Not because I think it is not required or it won’t help me but more so because after the trials and tribulations I have seen in my life as well as with others, I feel it is better to stick to a 2-3 year horizon and keep things fluid.

It may appear as too short-sighted an approach. However, it has been working for me for the past 5 years. It allows me to not think too far ahead and commit too much while also providing me with a flexibility of changing things if required.

I of course have possibilities that I map out and acknowledge beyond those 2-3 years timeframe but I don’t plan for them actively. If around the 2-year mark I find that what I am doing makes sense and it fits in my overall scheme of things, I double down on it for the next couple of years. If not, I am prepared to change course and modify my plan.

Most importantly, it has freed up my mind without the added stress around the BIG plan that has to be executed over a longer period of time to achieve success.

In a random world with too many things happening all around, I have found this little way of keeping myself focused. What’s your strategy?

Win or Lose – what after the Games?

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

What is important? Is it even important to fuss over the result or is it sufficient to have just played? What to make of those who won? And those who lost? And what does all of this hold for us?

As the Olympic Games gala got over today, some of these questions floated into my mind…

These Olympic Games saw the best run ever by India, finishing with 7 medals. All of us Indians are ecstatic right now. After all, we won a Gold in a track and field event for the first time. Going with 2 silvers and 3 bronze medals, including one for Hockey which is our national sport, a lot of our champs proved their mettle.

It’s been an interesting last few weeks as I observed the commentary on the games and also had multiple chats at home and with friends on what to expect, how India is faring, good bad and ugly of Indian sports, and so on. I’m sure, for most of us, these last 2 weeks would have been in a similar zone – with sports dominating the conversations. And that too, not cricket for a change!

Depending on who you talked to, there would be different views – some focused on the personal aspects like what went behind the training of the sportsmen / women, who were they competing against, etc. And some focused on the collective aspects like is India really doing it’s best to provide facilities and infrastructure for fostering world-class sports stars, how is it that Chinese have started winning so many medals and their training regime, and so on.

You get it – most of these conversations we had were merely that. Talk of the town to berate or praise different aspects of sports without actually knowing what goes behind the scenes or what to attribute the outcome to. In fact, most of the conversations start with sports and then deviate into politics.

As with other seasonal topics, these will die down after a few days or weeks and will be replaced by other topical issues.

What I do hope remains though are the dreams that these games have given to the young ones in the country and how some of those dreams metamorphose into effort and training, leading to more glory in the coming years across different sporting disciplines.

What I also hope remains is the interest that has been generated in the other sports apart from cricket, which encourages many more kids to pick them up and many more parents to allow their children to pursue them seriously.

And what I certainly hope for is that all of us Indians start laying much more emphasis on sports as a medium of all round development for ourselves and our kids. For what is important is not to win or lose but to play well and gain from either of the experiences. Something that our kids generation definitely needs to imbibe whole-heartedly…

Only then, will the promise that we saw in these games will be translated into action not only in the sporting field but also in all aspects of our lives as a nation!

Friends

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I am not referring to the sitcom which had a reunion recently. I am talking about the real people in our lives, who make it real and fun.

1st August is celebrated as Friendship Day in India. As I got up today and saw some messages floating in, I was reminded of it. Curiously, I googled about its history and was surprised to note that it was initiated as a commercial gimmick in the 1920’s.

While it has taken more concerted efforts in parts of the world to commemorate the bonds of friendship / fellowship, I for one was taken aback by the origination story. Someone, somewhere had to thoughtfully create this day to help us all get reminded of one of the most important groups of people in our lives!

So, after sending greetings to friends across different groups, which is a newly adopted custom by most of us in this day and age of social media, I sat down reminiscing about my friends and the way they affected my life.

I had the privilege of studying in multiple places and hence had a new set of friends every few years. I had friends who were living in the neighbourhood, those who were in the school with me, and those whom I knew because of the social circle my family had.

And it was fun because while I made new friends every time I moved places, I also had an old set of friends whom I maintained communication with. So, while new bonds were built, there were old ones which made me feel special, every time I received a letter or a phone call in those days from an old friend.

A few of those friendships formed instantly, some of those built up over the years I spent with them, and some others blossomed in later parts of my life. But one thing was common – they all helped me evolve and become the person I am today.

The biggest thing for me though was and has been – friends always make me feel real and alive. Give me the assurance that there are people out there who care for me or will stand by me.

And yet, only a few of those I remain in touch with now regularly. They are the ones whom I forged special bonds with, which have stood the test of time. Some of the others are forgotten in the strands of time, in the vagaries of life, or in the ashes of the past.

However, as I sent those messages today, I realised that in the rigamarole of life, I have been sometimes guilty. Of not being in touch. Of not following up. Of taking things for granted.

Perhaps, it happened naturally and due to specific alignments during various phases of my life, nevertheless that is the truth.

Perhaps, some of them can still be rekindled. Time to give it a nudge and try then…

And more importantly, to continue being in touch with those whom I have been talking to and nurture those bonds!

The Support System…

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

All of us need one!

And all of us have one. Our Mother…

She takes the pain to bring us to life. Nurtures us in the initial years, harbours us in the early years, and hoists us in the later years.

She is the one who shapes us to what we become in life. Through her love and care. Through the values she instills in us. And through the constant nudging that we often find irritating but comforting.

As we grow up, she supports us through life. Helps us when we are going through the lows and picks us up and makes us feel special in those highs.

She gives us confidence to do things we probably won’t try on our own. Helps us try and challenge ourselves. Yet never pushes us in a direction we don’t want to go in.

She accepts our failures more readily than we sometimes do. And she exalts in our success like even we cannot.

She helps us set up our house, knowing that we may probably never go back to living with her again. She agrees with our choice of the life partner. And she does all of it selflessly, for she knows what we need.

She teaches us to be a good husband or wife. And how to be a better parent than she was.

Yes, she is very emotional and her sentiments drive her actions. But that’s important because none of us can function with just the mind and not the heart!

And that is what makes her special. And the best. For each one of us.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!