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Persistent Resilience

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes, what happens in a matter of days or even hours, scars one for life. And while time heals and life adapts, some scars remain and are problematic to get rid of.

I have had some share of disappointments in life but one such situation has been quite problematic to dissipate from the annals of my mind. It was about what happened with my business venture and why I couldn’t succeed in it, in spite of putting in my best foot forward.

As I winded up my business in 2014, over that painstaking first half of the year, I often spent my days debating in the head what went wrong. I got into a shell and became reluctant to share my disappointment with others. And while life continued and physically and mentally I moved on after a few months, that scar remained.

It would later manifest and trouble me in unthinkable ways – reminding me of my failure and making me skeptical of my abilities, taking me down the what-if analysis road where the possibilities I had seen but not achieved stared at me and making me feel worse, making me question if I was indeed on the right path, and so on. And the more it dwelled in my mind, the stronger the devil became.

I tried to overpower it and got immersed in work to pull me out of it. I spent time with my family and on other things I liked to do, to move my mind out of those stray thoughts. And while I had some success, there were still times, though with reduced intensity, where those thoughts crossed my mind and tried pulling me down.

Until egged on by my wife, I decided to stop feeling sorry about what happened and accept that the mishap could have been worse and that it was a good life lesson for me. I took out the good things from that lesson and stopped blaming myself or anyone else. I made my peace. And then slowly, the scar started healing. It is still not gone, but it surely is not as visible as before.

Sure, I did lose out on some opportunities and fell back a bit. I could not live upto the promises I made to myself and to others. But then, I realised that there’s more to life than one failure. And if I apply myself persistently and be resilient, I would be able to achieve something better. Success delayed but not denied.

As I drove around with a good friend yesterday, we talked about our scars and how we are dealing with them. He had a huge setback in life but due to his resilience and the persistent efforts he has made, he has got out of that zone and is moving ahead. Another friend has had a disappointing 2020 but is now determined to start afresh and has pushed doubts out of his mind and resolutely started seeking new opportunities.

Talking about such dismal things at the beginning of a new year may not be the most appropriate time. But for a lot of us, this is perhaps the best time to move out of whatever disappointing zones we have around us and forge ahead resolutely with a clean mind. For a happy 2021 and beyond…

Upwards and onwards then!

Expectations

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

2021 has started and so have a lot of us with new resolutions, commitments, plans, and goals. The last year was a mixed bag with its share of highs and lows. But one thing that I realised it had in common for a lot of us was a mismatch in expectations.

So while traveling back after the year-end vacation, after this reflection crossed my mind, the train of thoughts ran in related directions. And as I reached home, I firmed up what I ought to focus on in this new year.

Setting right and realistic expectations!

Over the last few years, I have set up some expectations with everyone – be it family or friends or colleagues. And while these expectations are a natural result of what my experiences have taught me over the years, I realised that sometimes they aren’t aligned well, resulting in heartburn or disappointment. Hence the following resolutions…

With my spouse, I have often had expectations of she understanding me completely without me being explicit about the subject matter. Though there is the old school love and understanding that this thought stems from, and it does feel good when it happens, I realise that its not always possible for her to read my mind and I ought to be more communicative sometimes. That I believe will not only help us understand each other better, will also allow us more talk, which is always a wonderful tool to bond.

With my daughter, I have at times tried to make her behave like a grown up and does things like I want her to do. Again, it is a desire to make her do right things. But at times, it leads to curbing her playfullness or fun. And so, I will henceforth let her be her normal self at all times and enjoy her childhood, while willing myself to accept her actions and reactions as a child rather than as an adult.

With my parents, I expect them to listen to me now that I have grown up. But I sometimes forget that they have brought me up and know better than I do and more importantly, have their own world view which I ought to respect. Therefore, I will change my expectations to ensure that I let them choose and decide for themselves, while offering all help I can to make their life as comfortable as it can be.

With my family members and friends, I expect that we stay in touch regularly. But that expectation is for me to also live up to. And to ensure that I communicate with them as much as I can to stay connected and meet that expectation on both the sides.

With my junior colleagues, I have expected them to be able to match my wavelength and do things in the way I do them. I have also expected that they understand what I am doing or why I am doing so. But I realise that each individual is different and as long as they are positively inclined to contribute, I should let them go ahead in their fashion and guide them to the best possible outcome. Hence, going forward I will let them be in the driving seat more and more, while providing the support that is needed. And I will communicate more and convey my thoughts to them appropriately to ensure that we are better aligned at all times.

With others, I expect them to believe me with all sincerity, while at times not setting the stage for that belief to be formed. I also expect them to be honest with me. So in 2021, I am going to act more sincerely and try to build bonds and relationships wherever I can, automatically leading to that belief and honesty in conversations and actions with whomsoever I may deal with.

With such a long list, I am not sure whether I am expecting too much of myself. But then, new year resolutions are meant to be taken to stretch oneself. Hopefully, I will be able to live upto my own expectations!!!

The Real Power!!!

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2020 is nearing its end. With this looming end, is the promise of the new. A new beginning. And hopefully restoration of the previous normal.

As we end the year, I thought it is in order to talk about why this year has been special. And no, I am not talking about the viral nature of the year!

This year has been strange in many ways. Whether it is the way we spent months altogether, how we socialised in the distanced and isolated world, or how we have tried to return to normalcy. But in my view, all of this strangeness has helped us understand one thing – who has the mettle to rise up when it’s time to.

And while almost the entire mankind rose to the challenge, I believe the real power was displayed by the womenfolk everywhere.

Right from the labs, where the basic premise on which the approved vaccines are based (mRNA technology), which was researched and developed by a lady, to the countless healthcare staff and people deployed on the frontline, we saw women leading the field and doing better or as well as their male counterparts.

But to me the most important area where women displayed that they can be in control of each and every situation was at home. In the way they handled and managed the shutdown of normal life and transition to the new messy setting.

From work, to working out, to taking care of the kids and household chores, to supporting the family in each and everything, women aced it all.

While they had ample and able support from a lot of their partners, and hats off to all of those who helped out, women were the master of the ceremony and they orchestrated it well all throughout.

Being on the other side, I worked under the supervision of my wife but also heard from the other women in the family, as well as observed those I could, to realise the enormity of this task. And it was gargantuan.

As the situation elongated and this new messy setting of having to deal with all things at the same time became the new normal for us, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that we have retained some sanity in our lives due to all the skills that were displayed by the fairer gender.

And as we enter the new year, I hope this exposition and exercise of power leads them to discover their true self and contribute in more meaningful ways and lead from the front in all matters of life.

Thank you mothers, aunts, sisters, wives, girlfriends, and daughters. And anyone else I missed out.

To women power then!!!

Family

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This weekend, I spent some great time with my cousins and close family while one of our sisters got married. It was a reminder about the power of small yet beautiful.

Keeping with the times, it was a gathering of about 40 people. We were all cocooned in a cosy resort for 3 days while trying to maintain pandemic protocols amid the wedding functions.

Initially, we weren’t sure about how the entire arrangement would come through. And if it would be as much fun as it is when a bigger gathering ensues. But as we checked in and the 3 days passed, the experience grew on us.

These 3 days taught me an important aspect of how we function as a family and how quality outweighs quantity in terms of time.

For one, while the scale of functions or the amount of craziness associated with big Indian weddings was missing, we got to spend more time having fun with each other. With limited people in attendance, functions got over faster, leaving us with ample time to fool around, catch up with each other, and spend quality time together.

And with the arrangements being taken care of beforehand by the amazing groom, we had less to worry and more to enjoy. It was like a 3-day holiday for us, looking our best, enjoying with family and friends, and having some good food and fun together.

Another important aspect was the opportunity we got to know people on the other side, which at times remains perfunctory and limited, owing to the constant flux of functions one after the other. With more time on hand, we talked to others, made new friends, and added to our fun factor.

While the size may have been smaller, the coming together of the immediate families and time spent in the 3 days was a reminder of the value the extended families have in the growing nuclear family scenario and how that support system is absolutely critical to have enriched experiences.

Even if not on account of marriages, such get togethers act like a good dose of life and are perhaps more required now, when we are all so caught up in our daily individual routines.

As we all bid our goodbyes to each other and headed to our respective homes, the aftertaste and fun moments continued to linger on through the journey back home and brought a smile every now and then to my face.

On to the next such get-together then, hopefully in better times!

Wow Moments!

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We celebrated our 10th anniversary this week. And to celebrate it, wifey and I took off on a long drive. Perhaps to symbolise how far we have come…

As we got out of the city and headed down the highway, with no particular aim but to roam around and return back by the night, it was a wow feeling. In the decade that we have been married, as life has progressed through the paces, such wandering without an aim has been reduced to these seldom moments and so this one was after a really long time.

There were times earlier when we would just go around, with nothing particular in mind, just to spend time together. Especially before marriage, when we would meet on a weekend and try and catch up and spend as much time together. Even after marriage, at times, we would just go out and enjoy ourselves without the encumbrance of time.

But as life passed on, and we got more and more busy at work and at home, the aimless excursions gave way to specific outings. Going to the mall for shopping or movies. Or for a meal. Or to a park on a Sunday. Going out of town on vacations ofcourse had those moments but then again with a destination in mind. Long drives however had almost been relegated to the annals of history until this week.

As we took off and got out in the open, without a destination in mind or a time limit to reach there, or any specific task or work on our minds, it rekindled in my mind the wanderlust of yore. And as we drove on and kept going at our own pace, absorbing the surroundings and talking about random things, it was amazing! Without the trials and tribulations of everyday life, just going on without a purpose, was fun.

Living with each other, through thick and thin, deepening our understanding of and commitment to each other, the last 10 years have been great. But those moments together, when we don’t have a worry in the world and spend time together, are pure bliss. Those are when I experience the wow!

So, as I parked the car at home after the long drive, I resolved to do so more often. Hopefully, more such wow moments in the next decade…

Bored.

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My 5-year old has learnt a new phrase. Whenever she feels that she needs to do something exciting and is not getting enough attention, she says “I’m bored”!

As the situation has progressed and months have passed, the utterance of this phrase has only increased. At first, we thought it was something new she had learnt from her friends and was just showing off. However, we soon realised that it was frustration at not being able to do a lot of things that she could do earlier.

The more I have talked to other parents, friends, colleagues and people, I have realised this is one side of the pandemic situation that we all are facing in common. Most kids, across age groups are ending up with this feeling of being bored.

With the schools closed and online classes becoming the new way of teaching, they are not getting that time they used to spend with their buddies at school. Naturally, they are missing the fun and frolic that the school environment allowed them to have daily.

To top it up, while they see their parents the whole day and theoritically have time to spend with them, with the parents being caught up in office work and household chores through the day, that window is very small.

And while, they play with friends who live in the same community or area, it clearly isn’t satisfying their need to be constantly doing something exciting and fun. And that’s probably the reason for the increased occurrence of the “I’m bored” syndrome.

As I was talking to a friend over this weekend and we were lamenting about this common issue, I realised that this is a problem that may have some long time repurcussions.

Specially for young kids who are in their formative years, the years which form the basis for their learning. About how to build bonds and friendships. About social behavior. About dealing with different situations on their own…

But try as we might, this situation isn’t changing quickly. And therefore, as parents, it is upon us to expose our kids to whatever we can, in the spaces we are confined to.

So that, when things re-open, they don’t find it awkward to get back to the normal life, like we used to have! Hopefully, sooner rather than later…

Suitability

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We Indians have many pre-conceived notions and beliefs. Some due to our traditions and some due to age old practices that are still prevalent today.

One of the biggest notions that I have encountered is that of getting girls married as early as possible. Even now, when girls are breaking all barriers and leading in most fields they chose to operate in, there is still this unsaid undercurrent that runs in most Indian families.

It is as if the prime responsibility of being a girl is to ensure that you get married. Hence, parents start searching for a suitable match as soon as they can and don’t sit still unless they find one. Or in a lot of cases now, until they accept the choice that their daughter has made for herself.

And while there are a few cases of girls choosing to marry when they believe is the right time for them, or placing career over marital decisions; in most cases, the tradition continues…

Therefore, those parents, who choose to let their daughters be and instead of pressurising her to get married, wait for the right time, unperturbed by the traditions and pressures of the society, deserve a special thank you.

For letting their daughter not be bogged down by an unworthy choice or a compromise. For letting her chart her own path in life. And for believing that even if she doesn’t get married, it doesn’t matter and is not the end of the world for her, for she has far greater powers in her to live a worthy life.

Because more than anything else, suitability is determined not by what the family wants but what the daughter wants. Unless she finds someone suitable and worthy enough to spend her life with, the family ought to support her choices and stand behind her. And even if she doesn’t find someone suitable, it’s fine.

I have seen a few cases in my family and have immense respect for them. And every time I meet someone like that, like I did this weekend, it inspires me with the thought that India is slowly changing and we are according more and more respect to the fairer and stronger gender…

More power to such girls. And ultra power to their parents!

The Festival Binge

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Festivals are a time to celebrate. To cherish. To meet and enjoy. Except that it has dwindled down from what it used to be for most of us…

When I was young, festival times in India meant round-the-year engagements. And with friends from all sects and religions, I used to have a gala time throughout.

It began with we launching into Makar Sankranti, transitioning to Mahashivaratri, plunging into Holi, moving to Navratri, Ramnavami, and Eid in the summer time, and then to Rakshabandhan followed by Janmashtmi and Ganesh pooja during the rains. Winters had their own charm with Navratri, Dusshera, Diwali and then Christmas.

However, the king of all festivities used to be the time around Dusshera and Diwali with the onset of winter season and the Christmas time with its 10-days holidays. With long holidays to go along during school times and exams still a long way away or having just finished, we kids used to enjoy this holiday period immensely.

I still remember those days fondly, when we would roam around with free abandon in the nearby localities, playing throughout the day with minimal home-work. The day used to start early, without someone having to wake us up, unlike the school days. We would meander from one playfield to another, one house to another, eating and having fun at every place, until the evening when we returned to our homes, exhausted.

As time wound down and we grew up, that group of friends started going their own ways. Once we graduated from school to college, the fun and frolic remained minus the madness. However, slowly in the transition from college to a professional life, that fun and frolic with friends also started getting limited. With new responsibilities, most of the festivals now are celebrated at home with limited get-togethers. Or given a pass altogether owing to new realities.

As I met a school friend today and we reminisced about the good old days, I realised that while there are limitations for us now and will possibly be as we grow older, there are always ways to make the festivities more interesting and fun with others.

And while we may never get to be a child again, it is important that we allow our children to enjoy the holidays and experience the same joyousness that we remember so fondly now!

The Core.

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I was in the second term at the IMA. For all us Gentlemen Cadets (that’s what we were called), the most important thing was to focus on passing the myriad tests. I had failed one of them that day. And it was worrisome…

It was the famed toe-touches I had failed at. You hang on a bar, like you would to do pull-ups. Only, instead of pulling the body up, you bring your legs closely up to your chest and bend your head backwards to let the toes touch the bar. Without swinging to and fro. And with control.

And I sucked at it. I knew it beforehand that I would fail. While, I had passed the other tests, knowing that I couldn’t even do one toe-touch after spending almost 8 months in the Academy was worrisome. Also, because unless one clears the tests, you cannot pass out.

When we look at the forces, we always associate them with strength, courage, and discipline. However, when you are in the training, going through the daily rigamarole, you wonder what more can you do. How can you surpass yourself. And go beyond your own limits. Limits that you attained inch by inch. And that’s where the mind comes to play.

As I went back to my room that day and sat down to reflect on my performance (or rather the lack of it), I realised I had not focused on my core. Literally. I had gained on my running technique and speed and become better at free-hand exercises. But I hadn’t worked too much on my core, it wasn’t strong enough for me to do toe-touches. And unless it was, I couldn’t rest.

So, back to the drawing board, I enlisted help of a couple of friends. The next test was about a month or so away and I had to focus every single day. Thus began my most gruelling physical training period in the Academy, when on a daily basis I focused on what I did to strengthen my core and measured myself rigorously, while eating extremely consciously.

Cutting the long story short, I worked upon myself and pushed things to the limit, to finally master the technique and have the strength in my core to clear the test the next time round. But this taught me two important things – to focus on the core and to do whatever it takes.

The core – it’s critical to master it and focus on maintaining it. Whether in physical standards, or in business matters.

Some of the successful businesses built in recent years have understood their core very well and trained for it to become strong. For example, how a bunch of 50+ aged founders have succeeded in building a successful e-commerce business (BigBasket – https://the-ken.com/story/interview-hari-menon-bigbasket/). I am sure there are similar stories behind other successful companies also. And same is the case with any team for that matter – if the core is strong, challenges are fun to solve for and invariably get surpassed.

Watching a fellow apartment dweller the other day working out in the gym, as I saw him giving his +100% to some of the core-building exercises, I realised the discipline he had set for himself to reach that level. His core was strong. And while mine isn’t as strong in terms of physical standards, I remember the above instance at IMA and try to ensure that I focus on the core and do whatever it takes to maintain it in order. Physically and at work with my team. Hopefully.

That Sweaty Feeling…

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This Friday, I overslept and missed my morning workout. The day ended without any exercise as I ended up working till late.

It isn’t that I am an everyday workout person and can’t live without sweating it out. Although I do try and keep fit, it is usual for me to workout for only 4-5 days a week. The other 2-3 days, I catch up with some rest. Or on weekends, end up watching a late night movie or reading something, which keeps me in bed for long the next morning.

In fact, all my adult life, I have tried to imbibe some kind of fitness into my routine. But it has always been for a few days a week, never on all the 7 days. Only during the Army days, was there a disciplined approach/push to do some physical exercise every day. However, that was a special setting and a specific purpose.

But over the last few months I started noticing that on the days I worked out, I ended up being more active and felt better generally. Perhaps the side effects of age! Or maybe I can attribute it to the ill-effects of the pandemic induced work from home!!

So, last month I promised myself to engage in some or the other physical activity every day. Except for Sundays (got to keep one cheat day at least). And to measure it, I engaged the services of my smartwatch – constantly checking whether I have closed my rings or not and ensuring I do so every day.

And while keeping up the commitment hasn’t been easy, it has been a fun ride with brisk walks, strength training, treadmill runs, and so on. The time spent in the activity spares me from the daily humdrum of life, allowing me to focus on random trains of thought. And the sweat worked up during that time is refreshing, allows me to feel a rush within, which is always welcome given the otherwise sedentary lifestyle.

More importantly, it has given me a reason to get back to a routine everyday in the morning and helped avoid a lacklustre start to the day, which was something that was happening quite too often during the initial lockdown period.

As I lied down to sleep on Friday night, I felt guilty. For not having given myself that 30-45 minutes of time. I missed that sweaty feeling. And while somewhere in my subconscious mind I tried to justify the miss, as I drifted into my sleep, I promised myself to be more disciplined. Hopefully…