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Unstructured structures

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Growing up, there were so many fun things that I (and by extension other kids around me) did.

All, well most of them, were unstructured. We didn’t plan for it or specially took out time for specific things.

Instead, we were allowed to let things flow. If our heart desired to go out and play, we did that. If we wanted to be ensconced within our home and play indoors, we did that.

No one guided us or pushed us to structure ourselves. Our parents didn’t ask us to enrol in classes or pursue specific interests. We were left to our own devices.

As we grew up, some of us naturally picked up hobbies or things we liked doing. And enrolled for lessons. Some pursued those lessons seriously while others did it for fun.

But there wasn’t any pressure on us. From any quarters. We were free to do as we pleased. Well, mostly.

When I look back, this unstructured way of growing up allowed me to be a free bird. And without posing any pressure, allowed me to pursue things that I enjoyed during those growing up years.

As I was discussing with a few friends last week, we went into a discussion on how today we are all pushing our children to pursue things in a more structured manner.

I am sure we do it to expose our children to new things and allow them to experience them. In most cases without any pressure, but in some with expectations or a push to get involved seriously.

But are we restricting our children to gain very specific guided experiences instead of the serendipitous encounters we had in our childhood?

Are we, by design, moving them into a more defined and constrained environment? And thereby, reducing the choices they may have?

This approach may help to lower the choices or improve the experiences that our children may get. But is it really going to help them in the long run?

Well, the jury is out. Hopefully will be able to write about it in a couple of decades, looking back further…

Mental Make-up

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I often get asked about how someone gets trained in the military academy or hear remarks about the physical aspect of the training. And I often tell people, it is all about mental toughness.

Well, that is what I learnt after spending time at the academy in India.

When we entered the academy, most of us weren’t physically fit. More importantly, we were mentally weak. The sergeants and officers tasked with training us and converting us into officers therefore had two specific objectives.

In the first few weeks, I recall that we went through a grueling schedule. Not being used to the rigor of the place, it was a challenge for most of us to meet the physical requirements of the training. But it was as much about the mental aspect.

When we thought we couldn’t run, we were made to do timed 5 km runs. When we thought we were hungry, we were forced to go without food. When we thought we needed sleep, we were made to stand outside in freezing cold in attention.

It was worse at best for us. But it was also necessary. For what use is physical strength if you don’t have the mental toughness to handle things.

As we progressed through the academy training, the mental toughness that we developed was what helped us ace tasks that we couldn’t even think were possible a few months back. By the time we graduated, we were all much more tougher overall.

I have realized that this is true in so many other things in life. If I am mentally tough and clear about what I want out of life in general or from a decision I take at any given point in time, it is much easier to navigate through things. If not, I remain confused or troubled.

Be it figuring out what I want to do in my professional life or what I aim for in my personal life. Clarity of thought is the most important aspect.

This past few weeks, as I have spent time meeting friends and family in India, I have often been asked questions about how I am settling down after relocation. Or what is my plan for the coming years when I plan to return. Or how do I see things panning out after I take that decision.

My answer always boils down to what I want in my mind. If I am clear about what I want of this stint outside India or how I plan to live my life when I return, I will always see things in the right perspective and take the right calls. If not, I will forever be confused and only trouble myself.

I may not have the right outcomes and change gears or my approach, and that is fine. But as long as I have an understanding of what I am doing and why am I doing that, things will pan out decently.

And if ever they don’t, well that’s a learning for me to carry along with through my life!

Familiarity

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It’s strange how our mind finds comfort in things that are familiar and yet it expands when we leave that familiarity to venture into something new.

This weekend, as we travelled to India for a trip back home, there was a lot of nostalgia in my head. I had been missing Bangalore for a while, with all its amazing people and food. After all, I have lived there for ten years.

After we got off at the airport and in the one day I spent there, a lot of old memories whizzed past in my mind. Whether it was driving past some familiar roads or landmarks, or eating at some familiar joints, I had a great day.

I met with some known folks around and plan to catch up with many more when I get back to the city after a couple of weeks and spend more time working from our office there. Not to forget, all the nostalgia of traffic that hit me in pockets whenever we got stuck somewhere and how it reminded me of the time I will spend jostling around when I am there!

On my way to my home town, I was thinking about the solitary day and the joy it gave me. How familiar everything was and it didn’t feel like I was returning after six months of being in the US…

It then stuck me that this isn’t a one off case with me, or perhaps many people. We find comfort in familiarity and seek it out subconsciously. But it also sometimes lulls us into rhythms that we don’t appreciate much. That, in some cases, restricts us from exploring new things which we may like or dislike.

And then, before we know it, we get steeped into a mindset that stops welcoming change in that sphere. Knowing fully well that change is the only constant, we avoid it or try and bypass it. Without much success, I must add.

The only way that I think works universally to unlock our horizons is when we force ourselves upon a new situation. A new role at work, a new subject to study at school or college, a new country to explore backpacking across, are all examples of this self-enforced mechanism that helps expand our horizons.

It may not necessarily be a successful outcome for us in all cases. We may fail in the new subject, or in the new role, or may not be able to adjust in the new place. But it does give us an experience. For life.

These experiences, in my opinion, are what make us who we are. Constantly throughout our life. Irrespective of what they entail or leave behind.

There’s definitely value in familiarity and we all know it. But there’s also value in seeking out challenges and changes. The more we mix the two, the better the outcomes for us I believe!

Weighty Issues

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Most of us don’t recognize that our weight is important. Well, literally our body weight, not the other kinds that we tend to display in different environments!

And yet, when we aren’t doing well and our weight drops significantly or increases rapidly (more common use-case!), we feel awful. Most of us, I mean.

Not because it is a sign of we losing grip on our own life. That anyways is lost with all the mayhem around us on an everyday basis.

But because we start noticing how smaller things start becoming annoying. Like clothes that used to fit, don’t fit in well suddenly. Or we cannot walk or run for the same distances or at the same pace. Or we develop other side effects, be it in the form of some disease or temporary condition.

These are those weighty issues in life that tend to be ignored or not given due importance, until it isn’t possible to do so anymore.

And yet, we don’t really recognize when these weighty issues start. We believe these issues will never impact us as much as they impact others. Because, we believe we are in control of our weight always.

I discovered recently that it is not always the case. We lose control, at times totally randomly. I definitely lost.

I have always vouched for maintaining a healthy regime. Exercising regularly, although different kinds of activities as per my mood. Eating with adequate restraint, ensuring I don’t over indulge myself. And taking care of my health on a general basis by keeping a track record of how I am doing.

Then suddenly, we shifted countries six months back. The routine I had in India went for a toss and I had to adapt myself to a new routine.

Where I had the morning to myself, reserved for exercising, I now had to give way to calls with colleagues in other geographies. Where I was used to eating a balanced diet, I unknowingly gave way to eating more food, and a good amount of it with high calories. And where I was used to a temperate climate, I suddenly had the Bay Area winds and chill to contend with.

It wasn’t that I stopped exercising or eating right. I tried to do as much as I could. But I underestimated the impact of the shift. It played with my weight.

It also wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed these changes or ignored them. I knew the impact and half-heartedly tried to take matters in my hands. But it was already late. The couple of months of abuse had already taken a toll on my weight, which sprang up by almost 10%.

As I started noticing the weighty issues, I realized I had lost the game in the middle overs. My clothes suddenly became tighter, my running and walking pace dropped, and my vitals weren’t up to the mark in the latest medical report.

It struck me suddenly when I was talking to a few colleagues. I realized, I had myself to blame to let this pass by and had to act now. I made a resolve to myself to get cracking at the problem immediately.

It has been two weeks since I re-started my healthy regime. Daily exercise, healthy eating with limited portions, and tracking everything rigorously. And some early results are encouraging, with my body weight already dropping by about 20% from its peak.

Let’s see how things go in the next few weeks, with more travel on the cards and a visit home. Hopefully, I will continue to stick to my healthier regime and get back to my normal weight…

Regrets and Gratitude

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

I often come across people who ask me questions around regrets.

Do I regret that I couldn’t continue in the Army and had to come out because of a medical injury?

Do I regret that my business luck didn’t work and I had to move back to a job?

Do I regret that those moments happened in my life? Yes, absolutely there’s regret. I will be feigning if I said I don’t regret. If I could have done something differently or been in another place another time.

But that regret has reduced. Specially as years have progressed!

Because, while those failures or mishaps did leave me in a lurch, they also taught me a lot. That realisation has only grown stronger with each passing year.

Yesterday, while taking a walk in the neighbourhood, I was thinking about what I missed in those years when I was trying to run my own business and it didn’t work out. What did I lose?

Of course, I lost monetarily. I could have earned some more money. I lost some hair on my head. Which is not a non-guaranteed outcome elsewhere. I lost some years in the corporate race. As if it really matters.

As I thought about these things, I realised that I have been more than compensated for these losses in the years since (if you don’t consider hair fall to be one really!).

I learnt so many things that I wouldn’t have in a job. I got to do so many new things I hadn’t done ever. And more than anything else, those days opened my vistas and my outlook towards life.

Moreover, I realised life has in some way helped me recoup the self-perceived losses. I am not worse off in any sense because of that lost time.

This made me think – we live our life with regrets. About not having done something or achieved something. What if we flipped it and instead be grateful for what we are experiencing and learning. And how it helps us in the larger scheme of things.

After all, what are a few years when compared to decades of life that most of us experience!

Life’s Direction

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Struck by an unfortunate event in the extended family, I spent much of my time this weekend ruminating on life and what I want out of it.

As I delved into my past and my learnings from my mistakes, as well as my aspirations for the future, I realized that a lot of times we get our priorities wrong. Not that it is intentional or ill natured.

Think for one instance about what most of us want to do in terms of work. We want to have a good work life, feeling happy and satisfied about what we are doing in terms of work or our contribution. But then many among us remain disillusioned or unsatisfied from their work but continue to do the exact same thing for long years. Not because we couldn’t get an opportunity to try out things that may give us higher satisfaction but because trying something new is riskier than what we do in their day jobs.

Or take for instance how we value family much above other things in general. Most of us live to provide for it. But often we get so embroiled in work and other things that life has to offer, that we forget our families or do not take out enough time for them.

Relationships is another classic one. We love to be in one and it’s often a great start. Slowly however, we start taking it for granted and neglect each other unknowingly. Result: we feel the pain in different ways and remain unhappy.

Consider health. We swear by it and make every possible resolution. But then we go on without exercising for days altogether. We neglect healthy food and binge whatever we crave for. Ending up with some lifestyle disease that we could have avoided. And then spend our life trying to control our urges.

How do we go about making decisions that affect our life and then remain noncommittal to them? Why does it happen to us?

I think we do it not out of compulsion but sub-consciously choose paths or do things that don’t match with what we want out of life. And that’s how these divergences occur. By the time we realize it and can take action, it’s often late or we are bound in a corner.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the key to being happy then is to be conscious of our decisions and re-evaluate what we are doing to keep our end of the bargain. If the goal is important to us, we should be able to plan around it. At any point in time.

If we keep on assessing whether we really still want to head in the direction we wanted to move in, it will help keep our head straight. For if the answer is no at any point of time, it’s better to change things then, rather than holding onto a false pretense.

The theory of sunk costs doesn’t always work and can sometimes be a fallacy…

Loss

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a gloomy day with no harbinger of hope. The lady, middle aged in her appearance and demeanor, stood near the door.

The door of their home. With eyes longing to see him turn back and return to where he belonged.

But those feet took him further away with each passing second. His mind frozen, he had resolutely moved ahead.

As she saw the van pull away, she wiped her tears and went back inside. The house was empty. There was no one there.

They had no kids. Not many friends either. They had been in the same area for a few years but didn’t have any family there.

She sat down in the armchair near the window and looked out. It must have been a couple of hours, for next she heard the call for the daily prayer from the nearby temple.

The next few days were a blur. She carried on with her life, utterly sad. For what was hers had been taken away. A part of her identity was lost.

How she wished she had done something with this aspect of their life in all those years when they were caught up in working hard to make their life better.

As she continued to reflect in the aftermath of the mishap, she realised it was a gradual fall into the abyss.

With both of them busy with work and life, they never took time out for themselves. In fact, they never took time out for anything. Frequent work pressure and the eagerness to excel pushed them toward even more work. They had no time for each other in that rigmarole.

She had thought that after they had earned enough they will have more time together. But that milestone never arrived.

Now finally, when he was gone, she felt a void. And remorse.

Nothing could be done now. He was gone. From this world. After all those years of neglect, life had caught on with him and decided to take its toll in the form of his death.

Only if they could have spent more time together when they were younger… Perhaps if they could have defined ‘enough’ and then taken a backseat… Or maybe they should have taken better care of themselves…

It was however very late now!

“Cousins”

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

The last week was amazing. We spent some quality time together with cousins in Florida and had a lot of fun.

It also got me thinking about how we have evolved as a family unit over the last few years. And I am only referring to the Indian society here…

During my childhood, most of my time was spent with my cousins. Specially the summer vacations and most big festivals. It always used to be a big get-together and the definition of partying was to have loads of fun at home.

Every summer vacation I used to be excited to meet my cousins, spending time playing games, getting to know what’s happening in their life. That helped us forge stronger bonds. We used to plan ahead for the next trip and feel part of an extended family. And while we usually met only once a year, it was a special feeling to have brothers and sisters beyond the siblings.

They may be older or younger but they were cool friends. Someone whom you could share secrets with. Someone who you could hang out with through the night talking about random things. Someone whom you could go to movies with.

As I think back to our parents’ time, with many more children in the household (an average of 4-5 used to the norm I believe), they would have had a much bigger extended family and therefore more fun in their life. This shows, as even now, they are closely connected with most of their cousins and extended families.

In contrast, our generation has regressed a little in this regard. That is what it seems like based on my own assessment. We have gotten busier in life and more drawn into its vagaries. We still enjoy being with our cousins and look forward to such occasions but we don’t get as many opportunities as before. And we let it be, rather than making efforts to be more plugged in to the extended family.

With our children, this is however becoming a bigger concern. My daughter has not met a few of her cousins till date and she is only close to a few of them, countable by hand. While she is only seven and there’s ample opportunity for her to get to know and become close to the others, it definitely requires an effort.

I view it as my fault as a parent that I haven’t been able to provide her with the same experience that I had. Not for the want of intent though but wholly attributable to the busy lives we lead. I haven’t pushed myself enough to make time to visit other cousins and spend time with them over the past few years.

And while we all have friends and she also has / will have them as she grows up, I hope I am able to provide her with enough chances to know and build strong bonds with her cousins. Not only for fun but also as a source of strength and support around her…

The Creator’s Pride

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I often get asked two things. Why do you write and how do you find time to do it…

The answer is always the same – because I find joy in it and finding time for something which gives one joy isn’t a problem ever.

But there’s a hidden reason also there. I write because I want to continue creating what I do. In the hope that I create something better some day.

Some even wonder who I write for – my target reader. Honestly, I don’t have one. For I find it beyond my intelligence to predict who will like what.

There have been times when I have created something which I thought was pretty darn impressive and not many people read it. And there have been instances when what I thought was average stuff has got more readership.

What I do want to acknowledge though is that I write because of a creator’s pride. Pride in creating something that is experienced by others in their own ways. Pride in being able to do what I do for my own sake.

Today, as I sat through a couple of exceptionally produced shows in Disney’s Animal Kingdom and then experienced the magic that the park had to offer, I was blown away by the creativity of those artists. It was a humbling experience.

While it was a day extremely well spent, what I also realised was that those artists or performers or whom I call creators, created what they have with pride. And it showed.

We often come across experiences that we like when we watch / read / hear / experience something. We wonder at those creators and marvel at their imagination.

What we miss is that they must have done it with a lot of apprehension. With an unknown amount of expectation about how it will be received. Not because they are necessarily seeking validation or praise but because they genuinely don’t know the outcome.

And still they choose to create. For the sake of their pride. For the fun they have in doing it. For the satisfaction they derive from it.

It is definitely a learning for us to then continue creating. Whatever we do. Because the crux of realising the beauty about creation is in the process of continuing with it…

Cravings

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2009, Singapore. A bunch of us, together in the MBA program, were discussing about good options for having Indian food.

Someone in the group suggested we try out a restaurant called ‘Annapurna’. It literally means the goddess of food in Hindu culture. The place offered a buffet and trusting the reviews we got from a couple of other friends, we headed downtown.

It turned out to be just the place we were looking for. Craving for good Indian food, we had found a gem. Needless to say, over the next few months we visited the restaurant quite a few times. Every time we craved for Indian food and even when we didn’t.

2018, Bangalore. I had been in the city for a few years and had been used to the piping hot idlis, crisp dosas and filter coffee that the many darshinis (fast food restaurants) had to offer.

Then, someone suggested ‘Taaza Thindi’ in Jayanagar. I had never been there. But again based on online reviews decided to try it. And it turned out to be a revelation. Ever since, we went there at least once a month to satisfy our cravings.

Craving for an ice cream today, I remembered these instances and they instantly bought a smile to my face…

I am sure all of us have similar stories. Where we found something that appealed to our senses and the craving for that experience led us to the same place multiple times.

What’s interesting to note though is that it is very difficult for something to appeal to us in a fashion that it draws us time and again. Out of the many places we have been to, only a few really earn a recall or even compel us to visit again.

I may be speaking from a short-sighted stance but it is almost always a place or thing which has character (age-old traditional one, new-age but very differentiated), or has a unique offering done right that we can’t find anywhere else. Because only when we associate with that character or uniqueness is when we crave for more of that experience.

I may be talking about food here but the same can apply for other things as well.

Interesting, because when we build something, we never think about this aspect deeply. In most cases, we try and conform to the trends – to what others are doing, or what they want, or what we see elsewhere.

What if instead, we started with a focus on differentiating ourselves in terms of what we stand for and how we do things. And then continue to do it day in and day out. Until we gain mastery over it and it becomes second nature. Enough to compel others to be drawn to our work – be it cooking, writing, or what we do in our day jobs!