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Hitting Pause

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was December 2012. I had been working non-stop to grow my business for the last two years.

That meant always being switched on. Constantly on the move. Travel, untimely meals, late night meetings, the works.

Result – I got swamped out by a bacterial infection that meant I couldn’t eat normal food for a couple of months. Only semi-solids. Sounds yuck!

But that was the cost of me not listening to my body. Me not realizing that I had to pause and take a breather. Me not realizing that there’s more to success than just constant work.

The reason I bring up this incident, is because during a routine work timing conversation with a cousin yesterday, I realized that a lot of us make this mistake time and again.

Why don’t we take enough breaks? Why do we continue to chug along, resulting in a burnout?

This could be a topic worthy of a doctorate. I am sure some research would already have proven this fair and square.

I mean, we all read about this everywhere. How to attain work-life balance has never been a more hotly contested topic than after the pandemic. Yet, here we are in 2023 and the number of people going to the hospital as a result of burn-outs is only growing.

Then, as I thought more I started looking at my own behavior and patterns. Could there be something discernible there?

As I looked deeper, I realized that I had myself made this mistake many a times. In 2007, 2012, 2016, 2019, and as recently as in 2022.

Interestingly, each time I convinced myself that it wasn’t something wrong. I was just trying to do my best and didn’t realize when things got out of hand.

But I was wrong each time. I did hear some signals from my body or my mind. I did go through an instance or two of thinking about slowing down. Of hitting pause and taking a break. But I continued because if not for me, who else would be able to do it.

That’s the crux of why we all get carried away with this self-inflicted harm. We think we are the most important person in the larger scheme of things. That we are indispensable. That we cannot stop lest we play the spoilsport.

And lead ourselves into that downward pit from where the only way up is to pause and turn back to get back on ground.

If only we could have taken a break and then picked up things with much more vigor that could last us a while longer…

Is the answer then to not stretch oneself? No. I wouldn’t want to do it or expect it of others around me. But I would definitely want to be conscious of my own limits and identify where I shouldn’t stretch. Where does my limit stretch to.

Hopefully with practice, I will be able to identify and draw that boundary for myself and continue to expand it. And yet, keep an eye on it, so that I don’t unhinge myself from the center while trying to create a bigger circle every time or in running more laps!

Being a Father.

~ Rishi ~ 3 Comments

Picture this conversation between my 7.5 year old and her dad who’s 40 (well going to be 41 soon!).

Daughter: “Papa, I want to ask you, is it hard being a father”?

Me: (thinking where this is coming from!) Ahh? Hmm..

Daughter: (believes I didn’t understand) “What I am asking is, is it hard for you being a father”?

Me: (still not knowing how to answer this) “What do you mean”?

Daughter: “Just tell if it is hard for you to be a father along with the other things that you do”.

Me: (trying to given an answer but I still don’t have a good one) “It isn’t hard but sure is difficult”.

Daughter: (with a feeling of I had guessed so) “Hmm..”

Well, I am still reeling from this unspecified scrutiny of my capabilities after 3 days…

What’s the answer? I still don’t know!

What I do know however, is this:

Being a father is a responsibility. Of doing right and guiding right. Of carrying the burden of knowing you aren’t right always. And yet pretending that you are.

Being a father is a life lesson. In how to nurture and shape someone. In how to take pride in your life’s force visible in another being and yet be mindful that the being must not be exactly like you.

Being a father is a chance. To prove to oneself how to become better at things. To prove to others how you can be a better version of yourself.

Being a father is an opportunity. To see how a child evolves to become an adult. And to be a child again at times.

Being a father is a reminder. Of how you are catching up in years. And of how you must devote more time to things that matter.

Being a father is a balancing act. In knowing when to be strict and when to be lenient. In knowing how to deal with issues at home and outside and responding in a fair manner, without your biases kicking in.

Above all, being a father is a blessing. It has allowed me to explore those hidden aspects of myself that I didn’t knew existed. And in observing how my daughter has grown up over the last few years into someone who is caring, mindful, honest, and curious.

Given a chance, would I want to replay the entire of these last few years? Yes, for there are many things I would change. And no, for the memories I have right now are also precious and I wouldn’t want to part with them.

Now that’s a hard question…

Authentic Self

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Most times, we aspire to reach new heights and break new grounds. Sometimes however, we go about them in a manner that makes it hard for us to achieve them.

Today, while hiking with my daughter and having a conversation, this fact suddenly wound me up.

As we started walking again after a short stop, my mind first went back in time to 2012. I had started my own business and was setting it up. This meant that I had to take care of everything. While a few of those things came naturally to me, I struggled initially with selling.

You see, I had never done any kind of sales until that time. I viewed myself as an introvert and therefore when initially I failed, I thought it was due to my nature. But then, under pressure to move things, I took it upon myself to change approaches, try new product pitches, new methods to close the sale, and so on. Without much luck.

Then, after a couple of frustrating months, it hit me. I was failing not because I didn’t try enough but because I was trying too hard. And it showed in my effort, which didn’t appear natural or aligned with who I was as a person.

With this realisation, I changed my approach. Instead of adopting new techniques suggested by others, I went through the entire sales process and shaped my own unique approach. I started being more natural in front of my clients. And slowly, that started getting me desired results.

My thoughts then cut to 2016 as we kept moving through the trail. After closing down my business, I had moved on and taken up a job. As a consultant, it was a new industry for me.

I initially tried to adopt approaches that had worked with other people in the firm. While that worked in some cases, it didn’t give me desired results at all times. Looking back at my experiences, I soon realised that I should do what naturally comes to me.

So, I tweaked my approach and started to bring my own natural, whole self in front of my clients and stakeholders. As I did that, I started seeing better results and outcomes. And that helped me succeed in my role.

Eventually, as we reached the last leg of the hike, my mind forced me to reflect on the present and a conversation I was having with my coach this week.

We were discussing about my goals and talking about what I need to do to get there. As we went into more details and she helped me peel the layers, it gave me some direction about where I should be heading.

I had been thinking about that discussion for a couple of days, trying to draw out the next steps and a plan. Today, as these two experiences flashed in front of me, I realised that I must build on a plan but keep it natural.

For, what is more important is to always project my natural self and be authentic. At work. Or in life. Only then can I expect to stand out. And be successful.

Lesson learnt again…

You vs You

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

I had woken up in the middle of the night, sweating profusely. Lying down in my bed in my room within the confines of the Indian Military Academy, I had just had a bad dream.

It wasn’t as much a dream as a replay of my worst fear. I had flunked a physical test that day, in the first attempt in my second and final term at the academy. Back in those days (don’t know if this still holds), we were given three attempts to pass the physical tests. No prizes for guessing that if we didn’t, we couldn’t pass out and become an officer.

My dream was about this failure. That I had flunked the third and final test too and was going to get relegated to another term!

Well you see, I didn’t get into the academy with a lot of strength. In fact, most of us didn’t. Hence, the training was designed in such a way that we build that strength gradually. And the tests were also designed in such a way that we needed to build that strength, right from our head to our toe, to pass them.

Having cleared the first term, we already knew what was in store for us in the second term. But some of us, including myself, had taken it lightly. Until the first attempt. And then suddenly a sense of urgency was kicked into high gear.

My nemesis was the toe touch. Basically an exercise to test one’s core muscles, it involved hanging on a pull-up bar and then curling your legs at the knees, bringing them to your chest, and then rolling over backwards, such that your toes touch the bar.

It was a difficult one for most of us. Only some chaps, having built enough core strength, had sailed through in the first attempt. While that was some solace, it still meant that there was tremendous work needed to get in shape for the second attempt. A month away.

I was at the lowest level in that exercise then. That meant I could bring my knees folded to my chest, but didn’t have enough core strength to then roll over. Not even an inch.

So, a few of us who were at the same level, formed a squad and got to training. That meant constantly working on our core strength, doing a truck-load of sit-ups and planks, eating in a calibrated fashion, and challenging ourselves on the pull-up bar everyday.

Cutting to the chase, in that one month, we all put ourselves on a regime that extracted a lot from us. Going all in, we didn’t leave even a single bit to chance, steeling our minds to the task. Most of us sailed through in the second attempt. Those who still needed more work, got through in the third one.

But that also taught me one important thing in life.

Most times, it is just you vs. you!!!

We come across multiple challenges in our life. Some of our own choosing, some that just crop up and then some which are thrust upon us. Whatever it may be, most times we must singularly work to overcome it. We may get help from others but unless we have resolved in our mind to ace the challenge, we won’t.

When a new one crops up, we may look at it with skepticism. Will we be able to do it? Will this mean we going beyond our known limits? As long as it is healthy skepticism, it is good. It keeps us in check and grounds us. What we need to be watchful about is that it doesn’t turn into a constant worry and acts as a roadblock.

I believe that’s the key to taking things head on. And succeeding. Knowing what we are up against, and what we need to do to make it count, is half the battle won. The other half is just executing on the plan.

After all, what is life without a new challenge and a plan to overcome it…

Unconditional Love

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It was a cold evening. The boy was shivering. But he continued to sit on the park bench. It was like time stood still for him.

When he had sat down there, with his drooping shoulders and watery eyes, the park was full of people. All sorts of them.

Some walking on the track, some expressing their love to each other, some enjoying time with their friends and family. But he could bet there was no one there in the park that day who had a similar experience as him.

That afternoon, he had set out to meet his biological father and mother for the first time. He had only known about the truth for the last one year. When his parents, who had adopted him right after his birth, had revealed it.

It was straight out of a story book. Given up at the hospital after birth, he was left in the neonatal ward and was adopted by a couple who had had a stillborn.

They had raised him as their own and he loved them the most in this world. But since he had been told of his adoption, he wanted to meet the couple who had given birth to him.

After a year of contemplation, he had written to them. Introducing himself as a young researcher, interning with a college professor, who wanted to interview them. He wasn’t sure how they would react if he just told them about the relation he had to them.

So, he had setup a meeting at a coffee shop near the park to meet them that evening at 4. They had mentioned to him that they will be in that shop meeting some other friends.

As he reached early that day, he realised that the couple was sitting with a group of friends. There was a lot of banter going on. And he didn’t want to disturb them, so he took another table nearby and ordered a cappuccino for himself to kill time.

The clock hour moved but the group didn’t dissipate. The couple were oblivious to time. It was as if they didn’t remember about meeting him. He got up when it was fifteen minutes past their meeting time, but as he got nearer to the table, he overheard their conversation.

The couple were making fun of him, imitating how he had spoken to them on the telephone. The man mentioned that he had no intention to meet any young fella, he was sure it would be a waste of time and he was anyways not turning up. The lady added to it, announcing young people as a wasted generation, and how she was happy they didn’t have any children.

The couple then looked at each other approvingly, as if agreeing for the n’th time that they had successfully hidden their truth.

The boy could take it no more. He turned around and with moist eyes, ran to the park and sat down.

All sorts of thoughts were going on in his head. He despised the couple and couldn’t believe they were his biological parents. He despised himself going after a lost cause, when he knew clearly that the couple had given him up at birth.

Then, as the evening wound up, most people started dissipating from the park. It was closing time.

He didn’t know how he could go back to his home now. What would he tell his parents. How would he face them. Without any clear answers, he kept fidgeting in his seat.

Until, he saw a couple with a special child walking past. They had all reason to be upset as their child was not in the best elements. No one wishes for a special child. And yet, they cared for him deeply and somehow managed to get him to calm down and move out.

It then hit him. Biological or genetic bonds meant nothing. The ones who raised him were his parents. They were the ones who had done everything for him. And he didn’t need to answer anything to them.

At peace within, he walked out and to his home. To his parents. For their love was unconditional and their bond eternal.

Calibration

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

Tennis has been a much favored game of mine. I always watched it with a certain likeness that is reserved for only those one or two sports in your life.

I remember it was love at first sight. My father used to follow tennis closely, specially the grand slams. As I grew up to understand sports, I began sitting in with him to watch some of those games and picked up a strong affinity for the game.

Unfortunately, that love only remained on screen. Growing up in small towns in India, I never got an opportunity to play the game, always ending up with cricket, football, or badminton. I even played hockey for a while.

And then as life happens, things moved on and while I got to bigger cities with better facilities, the thought of picking up tennis never crossed my mind.

Until, looking for something more fun, I ended up on a tennis court last year. In all honesty, I had actually gone to check if my daughter could join a coaching class in the neighborhood. But as I stood in the court, my mind challenged me to take up the game myself.

I enrolled for it then, along with my wife and of course our daughter. We played on the weekends initially and then over some of the weekdays also. Over a six month period, my love for the game increased as I started appreciating what goes into a player’s mind.

However, with the move from India to the US, I had to discontinue playing for a while as other things took priority. Luckily for us though, we found a place with a tennis court across the lane!

I played again this week for a while. As I took it easy, I wouldn’t say that I am back in full flow. But it felt good. Good to be back on the court, swinging the racket, judging the ball, giving it my all.

Well, there is a lot of re-calibration that I will need to do to get back to the level where I had reached playing every week in Bangalore. But that day, as we finished the evening practice and headed home, something echoed in my mind.

I realized that I was back at the same level as I was after I had played for a couple of months. Within that time, I had picked up the swinging, I had started judging the ball, I had the chops to run cross court. But I still needed to practice more from the baseline. I needed to get a better feel of running in to hit a short volley. And I definitely needed to practice my service more.

It’s the same in life also I figured!

At times we start doing something and keep getting better at it. And then we stop for some reason. After a while, all those calibrations we made within ourselves, with our technique, with our approach, get reset. And we have to re-calibrate.

Most of us give up when the first round of calibrations are happening. Just like those who start a new year resolution and then give up within the first month. Thinking, it is too much to do.

Some of us give up when we stop in between and other things take priority. Just like when we start exercising regularly or eating better and then due to bad health or irregular timings, we give that up. It’s too difficult to restart and re-calibrate, and we go back to our earlier self.

Very few of us tend to maintain what we started. And continue on that path. Even if there are breaks and we have to re-calibrate. Because, what is more fun is to continue the journey than worry about the destination. And then, as we continue on our path, what we do becomes second nature to us. Ask those habitual early risers or daily joggers.

Hopefully, I can continue to enjoy this re-calibration and get back to playing tennis at least at the same level I was at in Bangalore, before I pick it up even further. Let’s see how I serve this one…

Old and New

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

It’s a new beginning. 2023 is here. We are venturing into a new year.

This is what most of us would have found our social feeds and news sources to be full of. Year-end best of lists, resolutions for the new year, looking back at what happened and looking forward to what comes ahead.

Strangely, for me though this turn of the new year has been muted. As I thought more about this for the last couple of days, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Is it because there’s not enough excitement or things to look forward to? Maybe this is how life looks like once you cross 40! But not really, there are enough and more of those things in my life that I am excited about.

Perhaps it has to do with this relocation business? It has taken the air out of my self inflated baloon back in India? Nah, I debated with myself about this angle but it’s not true.

Oh yeah, maybe I have a lot of unkept and unmet resolutions and that’s why I am running shy of taking new ones? I don’t think so and as I recounted the ones I took upon over the last 2-3 years, I seem to have done well generally on those aspects.

Then as I was mindlessly finishing some chores, the answer hit me!

The real reason is that I see a lot of things that I have begun but need to double down on in this new year. So it just doesn’t feel like a new beginning. There are unfinished projects, things to improve upon in my head and heart, and things that I have been letting go off but still not done with completely.

As I realised this, it occurred to me that I ought to break them down into achievable milestones rather than only looking at the end goal. So here goes my list –

1. Smile and be more happy, forget worrying about small things and start to live in the moment. As much as possible.

2. Exercise daily, even if it is just walking a couple of rounds. Breathe fresh air, unblock my mind, stay healthy.

3. Write at least every alternate day. While this blog continues to be weekly, produce a few more short stories, start the book I have been promising myself to write.

4. Read daily, and meaningful material, pick up an understanding of more things than I have in any other year.

5. At work focus on creating impact, rather than doing too many things. Let go off some things that I don’t need to be a part of.

As I enter 2023 and continue on these old pursuits in this new year, I hope I am able to get to some of these milestones by the end of it. Until then, will continue to plough on…

Rhythms of Life

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

We have so many things going on these days that it’s very easy to get lost in the woods. Unless we have a rhythm…

I look at it as the rhythm of life from three different perspectives.

First is the rhythm of self. How do I maintain my health and take care of myself. How do I find time to do things that interest me. How do I generally separate the wheat from the chaff.

Second is the rhythm of relations. How do I live, love, laugh, and forge memories together with my family. How do I keep in touch with those who aren’t nearby. How do I show care and respect for those I have in my life.

Third is the rhythm of work. How do I maintain discipline in what I do. How do I do justice to all the things I am working on. How do I move toward my goals.

This week, while having a conversation with my wife, we went into this direction. We were discussing about how our days have gone by in the recent weeks and how we need to get back to our rhythms soon.

As we had that chat, I realised that sometimes life throws us out of gear. Either in a planned way which happens rarely. Or in an unplanned way when something untoward happens.

But what’s interesting is that while most of us strive for a rhythm, we sometimes let things slip by. It happens almost unconsciously, as we get accustomed to a new rhythm or the lack of it.

It has happened to me multiple times. Without realising, the rhythm that I signed up for and was practising, vanishes and gets replaced by what I ought not to do.

The only way to see through such a scenario then is self realisation. As I have discovered, that’s easier said than done. Most times, we realise the drift quite late. But once we do, the only way then is to quickly identify how to get back to the older rhythm or set a new one.

Perhaps a new one is better for those of us who have drifted in our rhythms, with a new year beckoning!

Turning Point

~ Rishi ~ 1 Comment

It was a bad morning. Worse than what the teenaged boy could imagine.

He had just woken up and realised that he was out of luck finally. His examination scores had come and what was being foretold silently in his head had come true. He had flunked.

Feeling utterly disappointed, he lugged himself down to the living room and sat down with moist eyes. His parents were sitting at the dining table, sipping their morning tea.

He couldn’t bear to face them. After all, he himself had told them not to worry about his results. He had been a bright student all his life and while this year (and the past) hadn’t done justice to that tag, things would take care of themselves was his belief. He was in high school now, definitely grown up.

As he looked at the opposite wall, he felt a hand on his shoulder. And then one more on the other shoulder. He could feel his parents standing there behind him, trying to understand the reason for his sad mood.

Realising that he was about to cry, he bit his lip and shut his mouth and eyes firmly. The hands moved from his shoulders to either of his hands. His parents had come and sat beside him now.

Finally, he opened his eyes. He could not meet theirs, so looked down. Finally, after a few minutes, he mustered enough courage and spelt out the reason for his sadness to his parents.

He was expecting a lecture from them but instead they hugged him and told him not to worry. He may have had a bad year but there was a lot to look forward to in life. And it was important for him to regroup himself.

He felt better. There was someone looking after him and would take care of things!

He also realised that he had been unnecessarily harsh and rude to the two people in his life who mattered the most and would do anything to see him happy. This made him feel guilty but also happy that he was able to realise his mistake sooner.

As he went back into the room after spending some time with his parents that day, he felt lighter. As if the entire life’s weight he was trying to carry on his young shoulders had got support from others.

That day something changed in his mental makeup. Instead of fighting everything, he started looking at things more objectively. He started valuing relationships and what it meant. And he started owning up in the true sense rather than just aspiring for it.

It was the turning point in his life. He had started growing up!

Hyperactivity

~ Rishi ~ Leave a comment

For me and my family, last few weeks have been a mixed bag.

Exciting, anxious, and also sad – all at the same time, and all three owing to the same reason! Relocation from India to the US.

I know it’s a paradox. However, one cannot help but go through multiple emotions when it’s a question of completely relocating to a new place and begin a relatively fresh life.

So, of course we were all excited with what’s in store for us in the land of opportunities and how it fares for us. That’s the prime reason we took the decision to move or why someone agrees to changes.

We have also been anxious owing to the fact that it’s completely unknown to us and how it treats us. While there have been a lot of assurances from friends and some family settled in the US for long, anxiousness goes away only with personal experience.

And we have been sad to leave our family members and friends back home with very few people to turn to in the new place. Although we still are connected but there’s much physical distance now.

As we got to the US and took some time to wear off the jet lag and saw around, the last few days have been hectic. It’s also been an interesting time observing!

I wouldn’t go into the details of how things have panned out in the initial days but what I realised in these few days is this – we complicate our emotions too much and get swayed by them equally easily.

As we went through the last week travelling and then settling down, we have all been hyper. Hyper sensitive, hyper anxious, hyper moody, hyper alert.

This hyper behaviour in our family all boiled down to one single thing. The fear of the unknown. Without any clarity on what to expect and when, we have been on the edge of our seats all this while. And all meant for the good, to take care of each other and ensure we feel comfortable.

But all of this hyper activity has also in turn taken some toll on us. It has made us more involved in everything, where we usually would cede to the others in the family. Not an ideal state but hopefully a temporary phase.

As I reflected more deeply, I realised that this behaviour surfaces in a lot of us when we are going through changes. Because we are apprehensive of what’s going to come in the future, we become hyperactive in trying to understand everything, creating a temporarily elevated state of being that’s both good and bad. Maybe the reason why some people fear changes.

Coming back to us, as we get to know the new place and get used to the new ways, I hope we also are able to get back to our normal rhythms. That’s why perhaps they say that settling down takes time!